A Guy's Take on Getting Married

And it's a good one. I especially like the bit about who's cleaning the toilets.

The guy may be a "Dumb Little Man," but he sure isn't stupid.

Love, Loss, and Marriage

After putting the girls on the camp bus to New Hampshire this morning (I still have a small pain in my stomach), Peter and I made a quick stop for coffee and the newspaper at a gas station in Hicksville, Long Island. We hit the highway by 7:30 and managed to get home to Connecticut before the coffee got cold.

The New York Times ran two worthwhile stories in its Style section today.

The first is by a woman who lost her best friend after falling for a man she met in Prague. The other details the wedding of a once-reluctant bride and co-author of the book, The Bridal Wave: A Survival Guide to the Everyone-I-Know-Is-Getting-Married Years.

On Meeting Men and Getting Married

At a party for my aunt's 74th birthday yesterday, I spoke to my cousin's wife, who told me that she and my cousin run a marriage preparation class for couples at their church.

She told me two interesting things:

1. That an average of three engaged couples per session met online.

2. That an average of three couples decide not to marry after taking the class.

"It's amazing how many couples meet online these days," she said. "Most of the people coming to our classes are marrying for the first time, and they're about 35 years old."

As for the couples who end up not getting married, she maintained, "That's a good thing. Better to know now than later."

My father agrees wholeheartedly. As we rolled up to the church for my wedding, he turned to me and said, "There's still time to change your mind, you know."

I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't. But I'm also glad I had a father who encouraged me to put my well-being ahead of the deposit on a reception hall.

How He Met the Woman He Is Going to Marry

Talk about the Law of Attraction.

For the past couple of days, I've been talking, thinking, and writing about online dating services like Match.com and Eharmony.

And then I got a call today from my insurance agent telling me that he'd received notice from my insurance company. They told him they planned to cancel my policy because I hadn't paid my premium, which was due June 8th (between accommodating houseguests during my father-in-law's funeral and shuttling children to end-of-year school activities, I forgot to write the check).

My insurance agent is my cousins' childhood friend, so I'm friendly with him. After we agreed that I would set up an automatic payment plan, he said, "I don't know whether the boys have told you, Terry, but I'm getting married."

"Get out!" I shrieked. "Congratulations."

(Just so you know, this guy is tall, well-employed, smart, good-looking, and funny. It's amazed me for years that nobody had ever snatched him up.)

"When's the big day?" I asked.

"We're going to elope," he said. "But she's Irish like me, so we plan a trip to Ireland early next year."

"Where did you meet?" I asked.

He paused.

"On Match.com, if you can believe it," he answered sheepishly. "You get to be my age (44), and you don't get to meet too many people otherwise."

"I know exactly what you mean," I said. Then I told him about my male friend who'd had success on Eharmony.

Now here's the best part of this guy's story:

"I'd been on Match for about a year," he continued. "And I met a lot of quality people, but nothing clicked. Then I met this woman, and I knew right away."

This guy's tenacity struck me. Honestly, if I'd endured a year's worth of lackluster dates, I'd probably drop Match.com. I'd give up. Dating the wrong people is exhausting. It's also expensive.

But not this guy. He knew what he wanted, and he held out for it. He found it. Hearing this thrilled me to no end. I just love it when people get what they're looking for.

When Are You Getting Married?

Is that the most annoying question, or what?

Wait a second. I'm wrong. It's, "Aren't you ever going to get married?"

This query tends to be posed by people who want you to believe they mean well, but if they meant well, they'd entertain the possibility that you're happy as you are and mind their own damn business.

The subtext to "Aren't you ever going to get married?" is, of course, that you must be a loser, hopelessly immature, or just so repulsive that you can't manage to attract another person to spend life with.

When I was single, I, too, had to fend off an unrelenting parade of clowns who wanted to know if I'd ever get married. I must say it required a good deal of fortitude to deal with them. After a while, I got the hang of looking an inquisitor straight in the eye and answering her question with a question.

"Why do you ask?" I'd inquire.

"Well, you're not getting any younger," came the reply.

"And neither are you," I'd say. "But I don't look quite so beaten down by life as you do now, do I?"

And that'd shut her up.

If you're getting heat to hook a live one, I beseech you to stay strong. A very good friend of mine caved into family pressure to give them the big day out, and she regretted it. Painfully regretted it. She's since divorced the guy and moved on, but she went through hell first.

Date leisurely.

If your goal is to meet and marry a wonderful person with whom you can spend a happy life, that's grand. Know what you want and hold out for it. In the meantime, don't let anybody--I don't care if it's your mother, your aunt, or the guy at the coffee truck--pressure you into picking out a china pattern before you're good and ready.

Because once you get married, whether it's to the right person or the wrong one, the same pests will come out of the woodwork to ask you, "Aren't you ever going to have a baby?"