Same Man, Different Body

Terry,

I love your advice and sensational blog and feel lucky to have attracted this site into my(almost)daily life.

Could you give your opinion on the man that is emotionally distant. I come across this guy a lot..and I was married to one for 15 years...great father & husband..things fantastic..until there was any sort of conflict...where he was unable to express how he was feeling..and stonewalled. I felt not listened to.

This can be the communication style of an introvert, and not necessarily an uncaring guy...but difficult to deal with constructively or to promote ongoing intimacy. I seem to attract these types of men.

How to deal.....?

-Sian

Hello, Sian-

Thanks for the kind words. I truly appreciate them.

I, too, used to attract the same kind of guy again and again, and I came to the conclusion there was one major payoff for this:

I knew exactly what to expect from these men.

This isn't to say that I liked attracting the same kind of guy over and over. In fact, it was really quite painful. But it was a pain I was used to, as opposed to risking some other pain I had no experience with. It was a matter of "the devil you know is better than the one you don't," I guess.

And you're right. Some men are introverted instead of uncaring, but being in a day-to-day situation with someone who can't -- or won't--express his feelings is a serious pain in the neck.

Attracting guys who stonewall or are emotionally distant seems to happen to those of us who grew up in homes where certain things were not discussed or were supposed to be taken for granted ("Of course I love you. I gave birth to you, didn't I?" or, "Of course I like the dinner. I'm eating it, aren't I?").

I'm not a psychologist, but I've heard psychologists say that women tend to attract men with similar traits to their father's. Same goes for men. They attract women like their mothers. More important, they're attracted to these people.

And I've seen it over and over again. I heard Pam Anderson, a woman who has suffered several tough marriages, say on TV recently that she attributes her relationship issues to "Daddy Drama," or something to that effect.

I changed my own pattern of attracting the same guy over and over by very consciously and methodically picturing and feeling myself with the type of man who was exactly the opposite: A man who communicated his likes and dislikes, who complimented me, who loved me and let me know it through his words and actions. A man who liked and respected women. A man who knew how to have a good laugh.

I did this by writing out very specifically on paper what I wanted and bringing it to life in my imagination. It was not easy at first, but each time I tried it did get easier. The details began to fill themselves in. It helped me to listen to music that got me going while I put myself in an imaginary scene with a man who embodied the qualities I wanted.

If you try this, you'll find you're reprogramming your subconscious, convincing it that not only are you capable of such a relationship, but that you're already in one. And then, when that person who shows up who "fits the bill," not only will he feel familiar to you, you'll find the relationship takes off without a lot of drama.

Now, if at any point you find yourself bored or turned off by this communicative individual you're bringing to life in your imagination, stop and ask yourself why. A good friend of mine, for example, found men who were capable of showing real emotion (i.e., crying) repellent.

If this is true of you, ask yourself what turns you off about a man who cries (or raves about the way you dress or grow vegetables or deliver a joke). Do you harbor the belief that real men should be strong and silent? What's the payoff for that belief? And what is the cost (maybe you're stuck with a man who can be hardhearted and oblivious to your feelings, as well as his own)?

If you face your fears about waking up every morning to a man who likes to talk and laugh with you, who is willing to resolve a disagreement by facing it head on, who isn't afraid to make you the center of his life, who wraps you in his arms when you come home to him at night, you can overcome those fears. Even better, you can attract that kind of man.

Is This Guy for Real?

Dear Terry:

I've been seeing a 33-year-old man who has a demanding job on Wall Street. He's everything I ever wanted. He's tall and handsome, confident, makes a lot of money, makes me laugh, and says he is so attracted to me. (He says this a lot. Sometimes he says he can't believe how attracted he is to me.)

As for me, he's like my kryptonite. I lay eyes on him and go weak at the knees.

Once or twice a week when he isn't traveling (he travels for his job several times a month), he comes to my apartment for dinner. Says I'm a great cook, which thrills me to no end. I can put together a gourmet meal out of scraps from the refrigerator.

The problem is, we always spend time at my place. Even though he lives near me, I have never, ever been invited to his. Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner, I made a joke to see if he'd invite me to his house or at least indicate why I haven't been there.

(Just so you know: He is NOT married. I went to school with his sisters.)

He changed the subject immediately. A day or two later, he came back and asked me to accompany him on a business trip to Cincinnati. It sounded all very romantic, until I got there and found myself spending most of the day by myself (I walked around and discovered that Cincinnati is full of the same chain stores selling the same junk as the stores in New York. Oh, boy!)

Nights were spent waiting for him to get back from dinner with someone or other. I went out for Chinese by myself one night. I ordered room service the next and hung around all night in this little box of a room fiddling with a TV remote (that was tethered to the wall), only to end up watching Sex & the City reruns I've already seen 16 times.

I came close to crying, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to be a baby about it. After all, the guy was on a business trip and had to work.

Would like your perspective on this, Terry. I am crazy about this guy. I want to marry him. He seems crazy about me, but the thing that bothers me most is that he won't let me in his house.

Do you think I'm overreacting?

-On the Doorstep
-------------------------------

Dear Doorstep-

Overreacting? Not exactly.

I think a better question would be, "Why do you automatically assume you're overreacting when you're frustrated that your boyfriend won't let you near his house?"

If a man is in good emotional health and is truly interested in you, he tends to want you to see where he lives. Unless, of course, it's infested with killer bees.

Okay, he's handsome and works on Wall Street. I get the attraction. But how great is his job? Why does his company put him up in hotels that chain remote controls to the wall, for instance?

In my experience companies tend to put employees in hotels that cater to business travelers, not in $99/night family specials.

Something's not quite right here.

Now, about your cooking. Does this man ever take you out to dinner? If you're providing all the meals, he's taking advantage of you. Also, the adage "The way to a man's heart is through is stomach" is not always true.

Sometimes you just get a guy who wants a free meal and somebody to listen to his problems.

This bit in your letter really got me: "Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner..."

Forgive me while I go "all Terry" on you, but if you cook for the man, the least he can do is clean up, as in lift dish, bring to sink, turn on faucet, wash, rinse, dry, put away.

You cook. He cleans. He cooks. You clean.

A relationship is give and take, and I don't see this man doing anything other than taking. I wish I had the magic words to make you forget about him.

So far, you've provided everything for him, and he's doing precious little for you. He took you on a trip his company paid for. He won't let you into his house.

You deserve better than this.

The next time he calls, tell him you're busy but can meet him somewhere for an hour. Suggest a restaurant. See what he says. If he gives you a hard time, get rid of him.

If he meets you for the meal, let him pay, thank him and say goodnight (keep it to an hour; don't let all wobbly and take him back to your house).

Then, the next time he calls, tell him you'll meet him at HIS house.

If he gives you a hard time, tell him you've developed serious reservations about getting any more involved with a person who doesn't want you in his living space.

After all, this is your life we're talking about.

-Terry