How Often Should a Man Call?

Terry-

How often should a guy call in the begining...after 1 or 2 dates?
How would I know if it is getting to be serious? Should I ask him our 4th date?

-Just wondering

Dear Wondering-

I wouldn't start counting calls after one or two dates. If he calls, and you like him, make plans to go out. After one or two dates, you should be getting to know him, not pinning your hopes on marrying or "getting serious" with him.

I definitely would not ask a guy his intentions on the fourth date. It's possible he's still doing what you should be doing; i.e., getting to know an attractive new person.

You can pretty much tell that someone has decided to take things to the next level when he calls to get together as often as possible (as opposed to merely texting you or calling to vent about his day). The man will leave little doubt in your mind that he wants to be in your company.

He will communicate his affection for you clearly. If he starts thinking about commitment, believe me, he'll let you know. He won't risk letting you think he doesn't care and losing you!

In the meantime, keep your options open. Keep dating. Meet new people. Who knows? You might meet someone you like even better than this guy.

Yes!

So, instead of focusing on the frequency of his phone calls and how soon you can get him to commit to you, sit back and decide whether or not he's truly the kind of person you want to spend your time with. Worry less about what he thinks about you and more about what you think about him.

Besides, if he picks up the vibe that you're focused on landing some man, rather than getting to know and perhaps developing a real and lasting affection for him, you very well may send him screeching in the other direction.

Easy Does it When it Comes to Affirmation and Visualization

Hello Terry,

Reading your ebook, I had some questions about setting a wedding date. I think for now, I have to start from the ground up and focus on internalizing the belief that I am okay just the way I am (don't need to be skinnier, more successful, etc., to attract a good guy). Perhaps when I am sure about this, it will become easier for me to believe that I'll actually find someone for me. One step at a time?

-Curious


Hello, Curious-

The most important step is to picture the end result you desire. Setting a wedding date helps because it helps you stay focused on your goal, but you can supplement it by picturing other goals, too (moving into your first house together, dancing at your 15th wedding anniversary), and let things fall into place from there.

Keep visualizing and feeling yourself with this person you are putting together in your imagination (based on the qualities you've listed, a man who loves you just as you are. Be open to the possibility that a man exists who will love you just as you are. If you're not open to this possibility, ask yourself why).

In the meantime, use an affirmation ("I, ____________, deeply and completely love and accept myself"). Take care of your appearance, absolutely, but please know that being a size 0, making a million dollars a year, and being the best-looking woman in the room have very little to do with attracting and keeping the right guy.

If you're going to read women's magazines, please do so only to get ideas about clothing you might like to buy, not about what you should look or be like to make yourself worthy of marriage or a steady boyfriend. If you find yourself feeling inadequate after reading women's magazines (and who doesn't?), you may be better off taking fashion clues from mail order catalogs.

If the idea of setting a wedding date scares you, ask yourself why. Write all your fears down. Face them head on. Are they rational or irrational? If they're rational, can they be avoided? If they can't be avoided, what's the worst that could happen?

Remember, easy does it. Whatever you do, don't put undue pressure on yourself about doing things "right." List the qualities you'd like in a man, write your affirmations and visualize, identify and face your fears, and remind yourself that you're okay the exactly the way you are.

Terry

Satisfying Relationships Require Compromise, Not Ultimatums

Hi Terry,

I have just discovered your blog and I love it! It is great how you empower women and share their struggles and show that yes, in fact, we can find the right one.

I am one of the many who are still searching for Mr. Right. I thought I had the right guy, but, things ended in a fury of disappointment, sadness, and mislead expectations. What is your opinion on ultimatums? You have mentioned the woman giving the ultimatum about marriage, but this is the man giving an ultimatum.

The man I was dating was what I thought of as "the one." We met in graduate school, and he is from one part of the US, and I am from another(near where we went to school). We had dated about one year, and it was pretty serious. We contemplated marriage and had looked at engagement rings, etc. We both are very close with our families, and I knew that after school, he wanted to move back to his hometown to eventually take over the family business and help out his aging parents (he is the only one).

I understood his reasons, and know that they are very important to him. We had all sorts of fun together over the past year, but, as time went on, it was clear he was moving back to his town, and wanted me to move there, as well. I considered the idea, had some reservations about when I would see my family, what compromises he would make for me, etc. I chose to look into the move, researched apartments, jobs, etc.

The problem was, I never felt supported and did not feel that he really understood what a HUGE undertaking it would be for me to move my entire life, start a new career, and have to make all new friends down in a new town and culture, when he was going back to his old friends and life. He wasn't putting himself in my shoes. We started fighting a lot, and everytime I tried to discuss things, it would be the same argument over and over again.

I tried to make him see that I was willing to move there, but I needed to feel that he was supportive of me, and that he would commit to me, not just the zip code we were moving to. He told me he never could even consider moving to another place even if I didn't like the area (I didn't think I wouldn't like it, but, I had to see both sides of it). Basically, I needed to know that he would be there for me, and that if the tables were to turn, he would do the same for me. I never quite felt that from our discussions and arguments.

He even went as far as buying a house to "surprise" me with, saying it was "for us," etc. In our fights, he didn't fight fair...he was always trying to make me feel bad for not moving, making sarcastic comments about my family and how I "would never leave them," etc. He said that he was going to be in his home city, and if I wasn't going to be there, he needed to "move on."

I was so shocked by all of this, because for the first 9 months of our relationship, it was great. He never treated me like that. Anyway, this fighting went on for a couple of months, and I could tell he was distancing himself, he wasn't telling me the normal everyday things in our life, etc. I finally brought it up again, and he eventually gave me an ultimatum in the middle of yet another fight, saying if I didn't move there, we were over.

I mulled over it for 2 weeks....because, I was willing to move, the city was wonderful, I loved the area, I knew we were considering marriage, and I knew that you have to give of yourself in a marriage. All of the other things added up in the relationship...he was funny, nice (when we weren't fighting), had money, got along well with my family and friends. I ended up breaking it off with him, because I felt like it was all about his life, and his plan, and then he wanted me to be the "girl" to fit in the picture. We went back and forth in "discussions" for the next month and a half while broken up...and I was miserable. He had moved 2 months before we broke up, and was going on with his life.

I was so upset that I went down there after a month of being single (because he asked me to), to see if we could work things out. He said he had thought a lot about things, and was wanting to work it out. Well, I went down there, and nothing had changed, he still had the same thoughts about everything. I came back, and sent him a letter explaining my feelings and how I love him, but, I cannot be with someone who said he won't compromise for my happiness, if I should need it, down the road. I never heard back from him in and it's been over a month and I'm upset all the time. I wonder if I made a mistake...I wonder that if I had just moved there, would things have been fixed and we would be just like we had been before? I am on my own now, starting a new job in a new town (still in the area where we attended school) and I am so lonely, I am upset a lot.

I miss him, but I wonder, why didn't he fight for me? Why did he have to give me the ultimatum? If I was really the one he wanted to marry and live with for the rest of his life, why would he just let me go? I was willing to move there, but, I couldn't get him to understand that I needed his support and love for moving there, instead of fighting with me and ultimatums. If you could offer any advice, I would be greatly appreciative.

Thanks,
-A

Dear A-

Thanks for the very kind words.

I don't like ultimatums, no matter who's delivering them. They tend to be used by controlling people, and I'd say your ex-boyfriend definitely qualifies as controlling (Exhibit A: that scary little detail you included about him surprising you with a house).

I'm very sorry about your situation. You obviously loved this guy a great deal, and it hurts when things don't work out the way they could have (if only the guy had his head on straight). I'm sending good thoughts your way.

But I have to congratulate you for your excellent instincts and also for having the sense to follow them. Another person in your situation would have told herself she was being selfish or silly, and besides, the guy makes great money so she might as well be grateful and go for it.

You did the wise thing.

If you'd ignored that clanging bell in your head and followed him down to his great life in his great town and his great friends, sooner or later you'd be kicking yourself. His sarcastic comments about your family (you know, those people you love and would no longer be able to see) would come back to haunt you. They would eat you from the inside out.

And if you didn't find a job you loved, or if you didn't make friends as easily as you'd hoped, you'd be sorry about that, too. You would rightfully start to resent this man for snatching you away from everything you held dear, and you would probably begin to hate him.

Sure, it's possible you could temporarily distract yourself by fixing up a house and raising a couple of kids, but soon enough it would burn you that your old friends wouldn't be able to visit your house. And you'd hate it that your family would have to watch your children grow up through emailed photographs.

I don't know why this guy didn't fight for you, but be glad he showed his limitations now instead of later. Can you imagine being married to him and having life be all about him, him, him? His career, the restaurants where he wants to eat, the friends he wants to see?

What a drag.

You're lonely now and perhaps feeling a bit off your game while starting a new job. Please know that eventually the job will get easier. You will feel more comfortable among your new colleagues. You still have your family, and you will make new friends.

You are beginning a new adventure in life, which blessedly does not involve entanglement with a person who consistently puts his wants and needs and happiness above your own. You know that you can do better than him. In time, your strength and confidence will return. You will likely attract men who make your happiness a priority because you will give off a vibe that will let them know that you're not one to waste time with people who don't.

You deserve a pat on the back. I wish you the best in everything life has to offer.

Visualizing for Lasting Love and Romance

Hello, Terry!

I am reading your book and making my "list" right now. I am trying to express "no baggage," "no children," and "no alimony" in a positive way, as you recommended. How would you express this on a list of qualities I'm looking for?

I'm 33 and looking for someone around 3 to 5 years older or younger than me. Is it too hopeful to find a guy in this age bracket without baggage, alimony, or children?

Also, my list has 24 items - is that too much for a list of what I want in a man? My friends tell me that I should not try to find everything I want in one man.

Thank you very much for your help!

-S.

Hello, S.-

I definitely don't think it hurts to write 24 things down on your list. There's no guarantee you'll get everything on it, but it is extremely helpful in getting the important qualitities in a man that will make you happy. It helps you recognize the right man when he shows up. It also helps you eliminate men who will never make you happy.

Be very relaxed when you write your list, and be relaxed as you go about your day. You don't have to look for a man who has the qualities you want; just having those qualities rambling around the back of your mind will make it more likely that man who possesses them will appear in your orbit (and, again, that you'll even be aware of him).

Is it too hopeful to find a man in your desired age bracket? Absolutely not. My sister married a 31-year-old man when she was 35. A good, handsome, well-employed male friend of mine dated a 38-year-old when he was 34 (they broke up because she wasn't ready to get married). He's since moved on and is now happily engaged to someone else who is four years younger than he is. He says that age isn't an issue; compatibility, values, and the ability to have fun are.

As for the wording of your affirmation, you want to narrow it down to express the essence of the qualities you consider critical. You could write something like:

"I, S___________, am happily married to a successful, fun man my age who is utterly devoted to me and to our future together."

He can't be utterly devoted to you and your future if he's encumbered with children, ex-wives, and alimony, can he? This affirmation implies that he's free on all fronts.

It's really important that when you visualize you imagine yourself having fun together alone. Maybe you're in his arms, in front of a fire at a ski resort. Or maybe you're in a playground together, and he's pushing you on a swing in the rain. Bring your senses into the visualization. Smell the laundry soap in his shirt when you put your head on his shoulder. (Putting on your favorite music really helps during these exercises!)

What kinds of things do you like to do? Visualize yourself doing them with this man (and remember, physical details will be sketchy in the beginning. Keep it up; they'll start to fill themselves in.) Blanket yourself in this man's love. What happens next will amaze you.

Good luck and thanks for writing!

Terry

Maybe You're a Late Bloomer

For the past couple of weeks, I've read all sorts of nastiness about Madonna turning 50, but I'll bet she looks a helluva lot better (and is a helluva lot healthier) than the younger people writing that nonsense. She'll probably outlive them, too.

Interestingly, my health-minded friend, Kristen Colello, just tipped me off to a blog by Prill Boyle, a late-bloomer who graduated from college at the age of 38, became an English teacher, and has since written a book detailing the achievements of other late-blooming women entitled Defying Gravity.

Whether you're 20 or 80, check out the blog. I think you'll enjoy it (especially if you're like a friend of mine, who thought she was old at 24). It's definitely more uplifting than getting a facelift.

Stop Dating Time-Wasters

Hi, Terry-

Thanks for the wonderful words aimed at empowering us women to stand up for ourselves and not let men walk over us.

Kindly advise! What is your opinion of men who make promises and never fulfills them? lI met a man who promises to do things for me and ends up not doing anything. He promised to buy me presents for my birthday, but when the day finally came, he didn't even call, let alone buy a single present or card.

He calls to say he is coming to see me, and then he goes quiet and doesn't even call to cancel or apologise. He will call after a few days to say hi and act like all is ok. I similarly met a man who refused to let me visit him at his house. After that, I concluded, he is not worth it.

Regards and thanks once again for all you do!

-Disappointed

Hello, Disappointed-

Here's my opinion of the guy who promises to go all-out for your birthday, and then never even calls: He's bad news. Lose him.

If the jerk calls again acting as if everything's okay (cute trick, by the way), let him know he's out of luck by firmly but gently telling him that you're no longer interested in hearing from him. Say goodbye and hang up. If he calls again, don't pick up the phone.

As for the guy who won't let you visit him at home, you rightly concluded that he's not worth it. Best case scenario: He's married. Worst case: He's got bodies buried in his basement.

Your best bet is to eliminate time-wasters as soon as you spot them. How do you spot them? Their words fail to match their actions. Or they make unreasonable demands like, "Don't call me at home."

Spot 'em. Eliminate 'em. Make room for someone better.

Let that be your motto.

Solo Travel Has Its Benefits

Many years ago today, I flew home from a solo trip to San Francisco.

The reason I'd gone in the first place was because I was in a job I hated and trying to get over a tortuous relationship that was going nowhere. On top of that, I'd fallen out with my best friend and roommate and had moved back home with my parents (yeah, I know it's sad).

But the four days I spent in San Francisco by myself gave me a new perspective on my life. I made some decisions. I came home, took a U-turn out of the dead-end relationship. I managed to get a decent promotion from my crappy job. I looked up some friends I'd been neglecting and concentrated on having fun. Shortly before I left for San Francisco, I made a vow not to date until I met someone worth dating. After I got home, I kept it.

Two months later, I met someone worth dating. We went out for three monhs, but he wasn't the person I wanted to marry. I broke up with him gently. A month after that, I started dating someone I thought I might want to marry.

And two years later, I married him.

Relationships Give Her Hives

Hi Terry,

Every time I date a man for more than a year I break out in hives. Not just a few, but enough to have the doctor put me on Valium and Hydroxzine. I do not know what causes this, but as soon as I break up with the guy I am fine.

What is causing this?

If any of your readers can help me, I would appreciate it.

-D.

Dear D.-

Well, my guess would be that you have a serious aversion to long-term relationships, but I'm just a girl who used to get freaked out by long-term relationships, so maybe I'm projecting.

Did the doctor who prescribed the medication offer any insight?

There are many therapies available to those of us who suffer from fears and phobias, ranging from psychotherapy to hypnosis to EFT (for more information about EFT, a technique that helped me overcome insomnia and anxiety attacks, click here). My best advice is to research them and invest in the services of a licensed practitioner who can help you resolve this problem.

Since you asked for readers' perspectives, I'll invite them to leave a comment here.

Thanks for writing and good luck.

Terry

Same Man, Different Body

Terry,

I love your advice and sensational blog and feel lucky to have attracted this site into my(almost)daily life.

Could you give your opinion on the man that is emotionally distant. I come across this guy a lot..and I was married to one for 15 years...great father & husband..things fantastic..until there was any sort of conflict...where he was unable to express how he was feeling..and stonewalled. I felt not listened to.

This can be the communication style of an introvert, and not necessarily an uncaring guy...but difficult to deal with constructively or to promote ongoing intimacy. I seem to attract these types of men.

How to deal.....?

-Sian

Hello, Sian-

Thanks for the kind words. I truly appreciate them.

I, too, used to attract the same kind of guy again and again, and I came to the conclusion there was one major payoff for this:

I knew exactly what to expect from these men.

This isn't to say that I liked attracting the same kind of guy over and over. In fact, it was really quite painful. But it was a pain I was used to, as opposed to risking some other pain I had no experience with. It was a matter of "the devil you know is better than the one you don't," I guess.

And you're right. Some men are introverted instead of uncaring, but being in a day-to-day situation with someone who can't -- or won't--express his feelings is a serious pain in the neck.

Attracting guys who stonewall or are emotionally distant seems to happen to those of us who grew up in homes where certain things were not discussed or were supposed to be taken for granted ("Of course I love you. I gave birth to you, didn't I?" or, "Of course I like the dinner. I'm eating it, aren't I?").

I'm not a psychologist, but I've heard psychologists say that women tend to attract men with similar traits to their father's. Same goes for men. They attract women like their mothers. More important, they're attracted to these people.

And I've seen it over and over again. I heard Pam Anderson, a woman who has suffered several tough marriages, say on TV recently that she attributes her relationship issues to "Daddy Drama," or something to that effect.

I changed my own pattern of attracting the same guy over and over by very consciously and methodically picturing and feeling myself with the type of man who was exactly the opposite: A man who communicated his likes and dislikes, who complimented me, who loved me and let me know it through his words and actions. A man who liked and respected women. A man who knew how to have a good laugh.

I did this by writing out very specifically on paper what I wanted and bringing it to life in my imagination. It was not easy at first, but each time I tried it did get easier. The details began to fill themselves in. It helped me to listen to music that got me going while I put myself in an imaginary scene with a man who embodied the qualities I wanted.

If you try this, you'll find you're reprogramming your subconscious, convincing it that not only are you capable of such a relationship, but that you're already in one. And then, when that person who shows up who "fits the bill," not only will he feel familiar to you, you'll find the relationship takes off without a lot of drama.

Now, if at any point you find yourself bored or turned off by this communicative individual you're bringing to life in your imagination, stop and ask yourself why. A good friend of mine, for example, found men who were capable of showing real emotion (i.e., crying) repellent.

If this is true of you, ask yourself what turns you off about a man who cries (or raves about the way you dress or grow vegetables or deliver a joke). Do you harbor the belief that real men should be strong and silent? What's the payoff for that belief? And what is the cost (maybe you're stuck with a man who can be hardhearted and oblivious to your feelings, as well as his own)?

If you face your fears about waking up every morning to a man who likes to talk and laugh with you, who is willing to resolve a disagreement by facing it head on, who isn't afraid to make you the center of his life, who wraps you in his arms when you come home to him at night, you can overcome those fears. Even better, you can attract that kind of man.

Are You Riding Someone Else's Rollercoaster?

Has this ever happened to you?

You became emotionally invested in somebody else's plan. They had an idea, got you excited about it, and then suddenly changed course and dropped it.

It's happened to me.

It happened with a man I dated ("Let's get married!" And then, a month later, "I'm not ready to get married.") It happened at work ("We're going to build a new department and make you head of it," and then two months later, "Um, we're sorry. It's not in the budget.")

Here's another scenario: You make your shoulder available to a friend whose husband mistreats her. You're angry about the situation. You think about it when you're in the shower. And then she announces she's leaving him. You're thrilled. You go out for a drink to celebrate.

You're glad you made time for her. You're delighted you're going to see her happy for a change.

And then she calls you to tell you she's back with the almost-ex. He's sorry. They've worked things out. As a matter of fact, they're going away for a romantic weekend. And besides, she doesn't want to be single again.

You hang up the phone, feeling like you've been slammed to the cement. And you have been. Because you have been riding someone else's roller coaster.

This expression, "riding someone else's rollercoaster," is not mine. It's what my friend, Ronnie Ann Ryan, dating coach and author of Manifesting Mr. Right, says you're doing when you allow your life to be taken over by someone else's emotional drama.

Now, it's important to be supportive and a good friend, employee, girlfriend. Definitely. If a friend is stuck in an abusive marriage, it's important to do what you can to help.

But once she indicates she won't be helped, it's time to back away. You can't make her leave her husband. It's time to focus on your life for a change.

Same with the yay-marriage/nay-marriage guy. At some point, you can't let his emotional struggle take over your life. You have to make yourself available for other people and other opportunities.

And when your boss pulls the rug from under you, it could be time to get your resume together and start looking for a better boss.

One of my biggest weaknesses used to be not recognizing when to walk away from an unwinnable situation and letting it shipwreck my happiness. I've gotten much better at it.

When you find yourself riding someone else's rollercoaster, disembark immediately. Then get on a better ride: Your own.

A Guy's Take on Getting Married

And it's a good one. I especially like the bit about who's cleaning the toilets.

The guy may be a "Dumb Little Man," but he sure isn't stupid.

Does He Love Her?

Hi, Terry-

I need your advice. Do you think I'm desperate when I'm saying now I'm mature, and I want a steady relationship, have a child and get married?

The problem is I don't think my boyfriend is ready. He's always busy at work, doesn't call or calls only when he feels the need to do so. Do you think he loves me? Please help.

-Needing Clarification

Hello, Clarification-

Here's the good news: You know what you want, and it does not make you desperate.

Let's look at it this way: When you get up in the morning, you may say to yourself, "I want a cup of coffee."

You know what you want, and you get it. You probably don't go to the coffee counter and ask for a glass of tomato juice. So the first step in getting what you want is knowing what you want. Sounds simple, eh?

But here's where it gets complicated: You say you're ready to get married, but you're pinning your hopes on some guy who doesn't even call you half the time. The guy is a glass of tomato juice.

I don't know if he loves you, but it seems to me there are more attentive men in the world, and you would do well to set your sights on one of them. Getting married and being married is fun only if you're doing it with the right person. A person who is too busy at work or only calls when it suits him may very well not be that person.

Having a child will exact physical, emotional, and mental demands on you, and you deserve a hands-on partner who's not going to treat the kid as some sort of a hobby he gets around to in free moments.

Congratulations to you on discovering that you are ready for marriage and children. Please write out exactly what qualities you'd like in the man who decides to join you on this journey. This way, you'll recognize him when you see him.

Most important, don't tell yourself that convincing your current boyfriend to marry you is your only hope for love and happiness. Continue to see him if you must, but definitely keep your eyes peeled for much better opportunities.

Is This Guy for Real?

Dear Terry:

I've been seeing a 33-year-old man who has a demanding job on Wall Street. He's everything I ever wanted. He's tall and handsome, confident, makes a lot of money, makes me laugh, and says he is so attracted to me. (He says this a lot. Sometimes he says he can't believe how attracted he is to me.)

As for me, he's like my kryptonite. I lay eyes on him and go weak at the knees.

Once or twice a week when he isn't traveling (he travels for his job several times a month), he comes to my apartment for dinner. Says I'm a great cook, which thrills me to no end. I can put together a gourmet meal out of scraps from the refrigerator.

The problem is, we always spend time at my place. Even though he lives near me, I have never, ever been invited to his. Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner, I made a joke to see if he'd invite me to his house or at least indicate why I haven't been there.

(Just so you know: He is NOT married. I went to school with his sisters.)

He changed the subject immediately. A day or two later, he came back and asked me to accompany him on a business trip to Cincinnati. It sounded all very romantic, until I got there and found myself spending most of the day by myself (I walked around and discovered that Cincinnati is full of the same chain stores selling the same junk as the stores in New York. Oh, boy!)

Nights were spent waiting for him to get back from dinner with someone or other. I went out for Chinese by myself one night. I ordered room service the next and hung around all night in this little box of a room fiddling with a TV remote (that was tethered to the wall), only to end up watching Sex & the City reruns I've already seen 16 times.

I came close to crying, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to be a baby about it. After all, the guy was on a business trip and had to work.

Would like your perspective on this, Terry. I am crazy about this guy. I want to marry him. He seems crazy about me, but the thing that bothers me most is that he won't let me in his house.

Do you think I'm overreacting?

-On the Doorstep
-------------------------------

Dear Doorstep-

Overreacting? Not exactly.

I think a better question would be, "Why do you automatically assume you're overreacting when you're frustrated that your boyfriend won't let you near his house?"

If a man is in good emotional health and is truly interested in you, he tends to want you to see where he lives. Unless, of course, it's infested with killer bees.

Okay, he's handsome and works on Wall Street. I get the attraction. But how great is his job? Why does his company put him up in hotels that chain remote controls to the wall, for instance?

In my experience companies tend to put employees in hotels that cater to business travelers, not in $99/night family specials.

Something's not quite right here.

Now, about your cooking. Does this man ever take you out to dinner? If you're providing all the meals, he's taking advantage of you. Also, the adage "The way to a man's heart is through is stomach" is not always true.

Sometimes you just get a guy who wants a free meal and somebody to listen to his problems.

This bit in your letter really got me: "Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner..."

Forgive me while I go "all Terry" on you, but if you cook for the man, the least he can do is clean up, as in lift dish, bring to sink, turn on faucet, wash, rinse, dry, put away.

You cook. He cleans. He cooks. You clean.

A relationship is give and take, and I don't see this man doing anything other than taking. I wish I had the magic words to make you forget about him.

So far, you've provided everything for him, and he's doing precious little for you. He took you on a trip his company paid for. He won't let you into his house.

You deserve better than this.

The next time he calls, tell him you're busy but can meet him somewhere for an hour. Suggest a restaurant. See what he says. If he gives you a hard time, get rid of him.

If he meets you for the meal, let him pay, thank him and say goodnight (keep it to an hour; don't let all wobbly and take him back to your house).

Then, the next time he calls, tell him you'll meet him at HIS house.

If he gives you a hard time, tell him you've developed serious reservations about getting any more involved with a person who doesn't want you in his living space.

After all, this is your life we're talking about.

-Terry

Jon Stewart on John Edwards.

The Daily Show puts a formerly revered politician's "mistake" in perspective:

Busted Talking to the Old Girlfriend

Hi, Terry!

Each week I receive your emails, and I love to read them. They are full of great advice and great insight. I need some advice.

My boyfriend and I are back together after a heartbreaking separation, and I´m happy about it. We have a good relationship, however, some old patterns and issues have come to the scene again. I don´t like that he is not expressive and that he doesn´t tell me important things that could affect our relationship.

Yesterday, I was at his apartment sharing time with him, when the phone rang. He answered the phone and greeted someone. After the first call, he took a second call. After he hung up, I casually asked who it was and he told me it was his father. Then I asked him who called him first and he told me that it was a female friend from work who wanted some advice from him. And I said “oh, ok”.

I didn´t say anything afterwards and kept doing my business at the couch with my laptop. I felt a surge of energy in my body of anger and jealousy, but I kept that to myself as I didn´t want to express those emotions uncontrollably and wanted to give myself time to think a better way to approach the situation.

Today, he visited me, and we started talking casually about my need of having a better communication with him and bulding trust between the two of us. I told him that when that girl called him I felt insecure as I wondered if she was the girl which he had slept with for many months before coming back to me.

When I asked for the truth, he told me that I was correct. I felt extremely upset and disappointed. I felt cheated. I didn´t know that he was still in contact with her and that they were still “friends” according to him. If I hadn´t been at his apartment yesterday night, I would not have known that my boyfriend is still in contact with that girl in a friendly way as he would not have told me.

I love this man and I know in my heart that he loves me, but I don´t know what to do. I am very concerned about not telling me this kind of things. He is very secretive about these things, and if I don´t find out by myself, he probably won´t tell me. He tells me that he has been loyal to me since he is with me and I believe him, but I feel extremely upset of him being in contact with this girl who was his lover and hiding this truth for me. I know he has to see her as they work at the same place, but I´m concerned that it is not a work relationship. I feel cheated and not respected even if I know he is not sleeping with her.

I know you have great insights, Terry, and I would like with all my heart to give some advice about how to handle this situation and if I truly be concerned about him not telling me he is still in contact with an ex.. Please help me. Your advice would be great, Terry.

-A Reader in Mexico

Hello, Mexico-

You were right to give yourself time to figure out how to approach this situation. (Many people, had they been in your place, would just fly off the handle.)

The good news is that your boyfriend told you the truth: He was speaking to the ex-girlfriend.

The bad news is that he didn't tell you straight-out the first time you asked him.

I don't know your boyfriend, but I think you're wise to follow your instincts. You say that you know in your heart that he does love you. If this isn't enough, ask yourself, is he usually truthful with you and with other people? Liars lie all over the place: To bosses, coworkers, friends, and, especially, you. How easily does he lie? How often?

He may have told you at first that he was speaking to a "female friend" at work instead of the ex because he feared how you'd react. We may or may not be able to give him a pass here. It depends on the question I've already posed: How much of a liar is he?

If you determine that he's worthy of your trust, you can encourage him to open more by not overreacting when he says something (and you certainly didn't in this instance; you handled the whole thing very well). He may start to open up a bit, or he may not.

Some people feel a need to express every single thought out loud. Other people don't (because it's not their nature, or they're shy, or they're afraid of boring you or looking silly).

As long as misunderstandings don't result, you should be okay. You say that he sometimes doesn't express things that could affect your relationship. Well, in that case, it's certainly okay to ask him directly, as you did after he got on the phone with the ex.

As long as he gives you a straight answer, I wouldn't worry about it.

He Wasn't What I Thought He Was

I was a big fan of John Edwards, the former presidential candidate who last week admitted to cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. When the news broke about the affair, I was devastated.

I'd bought into the whole Edwards family story, the details they shared with us about how John and Elizabeth celebrated all their wedding anniversaries at Wendy's, how they leaned on each other after the tragedy of their son's death, how Elizabeth stoically kept the news of her breast cancer away from John until all the numbers came in after the 2004 election.

I really, really liked John Edwards. I voted for him in the primary in 2004. After he lost and was cast as John Kerry's running mate, I voted for him, too. I went to the primary in February of this year downhearted that I couldn't vote for Edwards in this election; he'd dropped out of the race a day or two earlier.

And now this...

It's bad enough he cheated on his wife, who I imagine after all her physical and emotional trials, could shatter like thin glass. But he also cheated on all of us who believed in him, who defended him when cynics called him "Breck Girl" and questioned the right of a former mill worker's son to indulge in pricey haircuts and live in an extravagant home. He cheated on the working class people who sent him money in the hopes of seeing him making good on his promise to restore the Land of Opportunity to the increasingly less fortunate.

My friend tells me it's only Americans who get hung up on the sex lives of politicians, and I know she's right. I mean, Clinton didn't bother me. I knew what I was getting when I voted for him. I just wanted a president who could get the job done.

But this guy, Edwards, is different. He sold us a fairy story. I don't know whether I'm madder at him or at myself that I bought it.

Single Women Rule

I'm very excited to announce that Keysha Whitaker, founder of Eve's Society, the international organization for unmarried women of all ages, has asked me to come on board to promote the message that 'single is good.' (I strive to instill it in my two young daughters!)

Eve's Society's mission is to help make single women's personal and professional lives successful.

Membership is free and entitles you to:

-Take advantage of a growing list of store and service discounts

-Post your personal and professional accomplishments (and include
the link to your website)

-Access Eve's Society's international member network.

I'm most excited about the growing international member list. You've heard the maxim: "It's not WHAT you know; it's WHO you know."

Who knows what opportunities will arise -- and who you'll meet -- when you have access to other bright, success-oriented, self-respecting single women like yourself?

Check out Eve's Society here:

Is It Just Me? Or Is This Article Really Offensive?

The tone of this article published in The New York Daily News the other day really bugged me.

I particularly object to the use of the phrases, "nab a guy," "landing a guy," "competition is heavy," "better your odds," and, "Keep your chin up, Ladies" (which really should be "Keep your chins up, Ladies," don't you think?).

I hate this media b.s. designed to cause unnecessary desperation among women. Desperation leads to bad decisions, and I hate to see any woman "landing" the wrong freaking man.

Better single and happy than married and miserable, I always say.

She Thinks She's Ready to Meet a Man

Dear Terry,

I have been receiving emails from you and have learned a lot. I would be happier, though, if I could finally apply them to my life. I have stopped dating for almost four years already since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I've already forgotten all about my ex and have forgiven him. I guess I'm just too busy to go out and meet new male friends.

About two weeks ago, I decided to join an international dating site. It was fun at first--sending interests to men who I found attractive and receiving interests and mails from men 50 years old and above (I have included in my profile that I prefer men between the age of 30 and 41). By the way, I'm turning 32 two days from now. Only 3 or 4 of those interested in me are within my age preference, the rest (15 or more) are almost my mother's age.

How can I attract men on that website within my preferred age bracket? Could you also help me or give some tips on how to sustain the interest of those who have expressed their interest in me? I have received a couple of mails from men who I also find attractive. They said that they liked my profile and they find me cute, as I have posted 3 photos there. And then I replied to their mails and have not heard from them since.

Any help from you will be appreciated.

Thanks for reading this. Good luck and God bless.

Regards,
P.

Hello, P.

Happy 32nd birthday! I hope you did something fun.

Okay, you say you haven't dated in four years (after a breakup with a guy you've already "forgotten" and "forgiven"). Did it take you four years to get over that relationship? It's possible you're truly over the ex, but are you really over the pain of the breakup?

I ask because I wonder if you're avoiding relationships altogether on a subconscious level. You mentioned you've been "too busy" to make new male friends.

And now, when you do get around to meeting new men, you choose to do it on an international dating site. Not a local dating site. An international dating site. This implies that the men you connect with would live very far away. It would take some doing to fit them into your already busy life. You might not have to ever see them at all!

A lot of women who can't ever manage to meet the right guy suffer from mighty fears about relationships. They are attracted to -- and they attract--men with similar fears (men who won't commit). Or they don't attract anyone at all.

Ask yourself what scares you about relationships. Write a list. I imagine getting hurt again would be number one, and this is perfectly natural. Ask yourself what's the worst thing that would happen your fears came true. Could you handle it?

If so, stop making excuses and get out of the house. Get out of the office. Go where men your age go: Baseball games, restaurants, bookstores, open mic nights in coffee shops, sports bars. Volunteer for an organization where men tend to volunteer, like Habitat for Humanity.

To keep a man's interest, be yourself. Don't sit by the phone waiting for his call. Stay focused on your own life. See your friends. Be available but not overly available.

Just as we women like to think we're getting a prize in the men we date, men like to think they're getting a prize in us, too. Be a prize.

Good luck, P. I wish you every happiness in the world.

Terry

Divorced With a Kid: Can She Really Find Love?

Hello Terry,

I met a guy online two weeks ago.

We went out on our first meeting and hit off really well. We had a lot to drink, and we were hammered. We ended up lying in bed; we didn't have sex the first night.

He has been messaging every morning, lunch, dinner time and before he goes to bed. We've met each other for dinner about three times since our first meeting two weeks ago, and we communicate via IMs throughout the day.

He has even suggested coinciding his work travel schedule with mine, so that we can be in the same city for a few days.

He is an incredibly eligible single bachelor with a great job, while I have high flying career and by most standards a very attractive woman. I am recently divorced with a 4 year old daughter.

I am skeptical that a guy like him could possibly fall for someone like me, with a scarred life and baggage.

The chemistry feels right, and I have not felt so terribly happy since my separation with my ex-husband and the many unstable relationships over the years.

Somehow I feel this is too good to be happening to a girl like me. I question if he is genuinely interested in me or could I be an easy target since I am divorced and perhaps lonely.

I want to know what he thinks, but I feel that it is too soon to ask or even talk about a relationship. It might really scare him off.

How can I really know? Are there subtle ways to find out?

-Wondering

Dear Wondering,

While I happen to enjoy a good beer (or several), getting hammered on a first date raises a yellow flag. Do you have to drink to have a good time? Does he? Do all your dates involve alcohol?

If so, it could signal a problem.

This comment of yours also concerns me:

"Somehow I feel this is too good to be happening to a girl like me. I question if he is genuinely interested in me or could I be an easy target since I am divorced and perhaps lonely."

Now, why is inconceivable that a good thing could happen to a girl like you? So, you're divorced with a kid. So are a lot of people. You're attractive and have a great job. A lot of people aren't and don't, and they still manage to attract men who will stand on their heads to be with them.

The guy seems to want to spend time with you. That's great! Okay, there's no shortage of jerks who will use women for their own purposes, but there's also no shortage of great guys who want to fall in love and spend their life with one special woman.

How do you figure out which category this new man falls into?

You take your time. You continue to focus on your job and your child and your friends and the books you like to read. You do not allow this new relationship to drag you out to sea. You make yourself available to get to know this man better, but you don't break plans with other people or let go of other responsibilities to do so.

You maintain a wait-and-see attitude. You tell yourself, "Maybe this is the right guy for me, and maybe he isn't." You let him show you. You listen to him when he speaks. You watch his eyes. You make sure that his words match up with his actions.

You're always kind, considerate, and charming, but at no point do you ask yourself, "What do I do to prove to this guy that I'm the right woman for him?"

Above all, always keep in mind that you are an attractive woman with plenty to offer. Make a list of your very best qualities and remind yourself that a man would be lucky to have you.

If you happen to possess any qualities that cause you to devalue yourself, today is the day to decide to replace them with better ones. Again, use a pen and paper and put your lesser qualities on paper. How can you turn them around?

In the meantime, if you find all the IMing distracting, limit it to once or twice a day. It's flattering to be contacted constantly by an attractive man, but it's not going to help you keep things in perspective.

This guy may turn out to be the man of your dreams, or he may not. Either way, know that you're an attractive, sought-after woman. The fact that you're divorced and have a child doesn't change that. Be open to the possibility that a man can and will love you just as you are.

You deserve that much.

The Biggest Mistake of Her Life

Doesn't it kill you when you see someone flouncing into a bad situation with a smile on her face, and nobody can stop her?

A young, smart, ambitious, attractive undergrad we know has gotten engaged to a guy her age. In the plus column, he's good-looking and has a trust fund. In the minus column, he's prone to violence (and loves to brag that if "another guy even looks at my girlfriend, I'll rearrange his face!"). He doesn't go to school, doesn't have a job, and he usually sleeps until 2PM.

Did I mention he's good-looking and has a trust fund?

And while the young woman's mother is desperately trying to jam the breaks on this wedding locomotive, the guy's mother is hitting the gas. We suspect she figures that a goal-oriented wife (who's working toward a doctorate) will derail her son from the track he's riding to loserdom.

She has offered to buy the couple a house. She wants to pay for the wedding. She has taken the poor lamb she intends to sacrifice to her son to look for not one but two wedding dresses (the trend, she insists, is to buy one dress for the wedding and another to wear to the reception).

Red flags are flying all over the place.

But the impressionable young woman doesn't see them. I asked her worried mother why she's so eager to get married before she's had a chance to achieve her dreams. "She wants to be a grown-up. She's also caught up the fairy tale of being a princess for a day."

Unfortunately, the fairy tale doesn't even last a whole day. It really lasts about six hours. After that, this poor kid will be legally bound to an anger-prone sluggard whose mother has bought and sold her.

If she tries to keep things interesting by introducing a child into the equation, things will just get worse. If she can't get the guy out of bed to find a job, she's not going to get him to change diapers. The responsibilities of parenthood may squash her plans to earn a doctorate.

I wish women would stop buying into wedding industry propaganda and keep their eyes on bigger prizes:

1) Careers that pay handsomely and make use of their talents

2) Men who love them and take pride in their successes.

Women need to remember that realizing their ambitions is crucial to their physical, emotional, and mental health. Marrying the wrong man for the wrong reasons is the surest route to a lifetime of being depressed and powerless.

Does Father Trouble Always Lead to Man Trouble?

Dear Terry,

While reading the post about the Catholic priest who offered dating advice, I thought of my ex husband, my father, and my now boyfriend, and then I thought about myself. Then I wished that someone would have had this talk with me when I was in high school. It has very good points.

1.My ex-husband was a fibber, secretive and a control freak.

2.My father is an abusive man. This may be the very reason why I live in California and my family stays in Michigan. He has fits of rage, is a control freak, envious, hurtful male chauvinist. I am a computer analyst, and he still thinks I am unable of understand the mechanics of society.

3.My boyfriend is a kind, patient, sometimes forgetful, but always sweet man.

I am a survivor of my father abuse, and even though I would have to say that I will be respectful of him as my father.

Does this limit my chances of having a normal married life?

I failed once before, but in my defense I was in the military and we were very young and wanted to stay together. His father warned me about his bad ways and I choose to ignore them. Just a horrible situation.

I know my parents were very questionable as parents. Luckily for them, I was a hearty and headstrong child or otherwise because of poor parenting I might've ended up dead. Like left to survive in the aisles of Kmart. I also know that even that my dad was never dad of the year he had tried the best he was capable of and his opinion about my success has no effect of who I really I am.

So what if you had shite parents? But you ended up a good person and pretty normal? And if you had made a mistake in the past, but now have figured out what went wrong and you are trying to make your life better? Does this mean that you will be capable of having a loving and meaningful marriage or are you instantly ex'ed out because of abuse?

Love your blog.

~M.

Hi, M.-

Thanks for writing and for the kind comments.

I truly believe that you can enjoy a healthy marriage, even if you did have "shite parents," as you say. (Love that!) The fact that you seem happy with your current boyfriend indicates you're definitely making progress toward better circumstances.

As you know, I'm no psychologist, but it stands to reason that if the people who brought you into the world, the people God entrusted to love, guide, and encourage you failed on some front, you could go through life attracting similarly disappointing relationships.

Until you make a conscious effort to do otherwise.

You realize your father's limitations, and you still respect him because he's your father, and that says a lot about you. You're willing to move on and forgive. Another person would be grousing about how life sucks, and then you die, and how all men are the same. But not you.

The fact that you know exactly what you don't like about your father and some of the other men in your life means you can figure out what you do like in men and attract it. It helps to write a list and mentally put yourself in that relationship. If you visualize and conjure the feeling of being beloved and keep it with you, you will be amazed how it will eventually take shape in your real life.

It also helps to list what you disliked about your parents' relationship and about the marriages of other people you know. Then "put yourself" in a relationship with the opposite qualities. The trick here is to feel yourself in that relationship. Bring it to life with your emotions.

It's key to love yourself, as well, and you can do this through the consistent use of affirmations:

"I, M., deeply and completely love and accept myself."

Louise Hay, who has helped thousands of people turn their lives around through the power of self-love, recommends you use a similar affirmation about 25 times a day.

Saying it out loud while looking at yourself in a mirror is especially powerful. It will feel weird, silly, and embarrassing at first, but how many times do you look in the mirror and tell yourself you hate your hair or some feature of your face? Why do we consider that perfectly normal behavior?

Some people will scoff and dismiss visualization and affirmation as hocus-pocus, but they tend to be the same people who've never tried it (or who've tried it once or twice and then forgotten about it).

Let me repeat: I definitely believe that you're capable of enjoying a happy and healthy marriage. What's more, you deserve it.

He Won't Marry Her, and She's Embarrassed

Dear Terry:

Thanks for your recent [email] articles about ultimatums and commitment. I have a special situation. I'm almost 30 and have been with a guy I'm crazy about for 2 1/2 years. We spend most of our free time together, our families like each other, etc.

My problem is, he says he's not ready to get married. He's 32, has a good job, nice apartment, and so on. His refusal to move our relationship to the next level can be embarrassing. We went to his cousin's wedding last year, and one of his other cousins blurted out (while taking a photo), "And there's S (me), still trying to get a ring out of J (my boyfriend)"

I was humiliated beyond belief.

My boyfriend's mother loves me, has shown me jewelry she'll pass on to me one day. She says she knows her boy, and that I should be patient. She knows he'll come around.

But I'm tired of waiting. And next year, we'll be going to three weddings, my cousin's, his friendfrom college, and --worst of all--his younger sister's.

Everytime I think of going to his sister's wedding and being looked over by his relatives, I want to cry. She didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, so I won't even be in the family photos even though I've been on vacation with the family, and I've spent every Christmas and Easter with them.

Believe it or not, I am intelligent and have a job I love.

Any advice?

-S.

Dear S.-

First off, I can tell that you're intelligent by the way you've described the situation. Second, thank goodness you have a job you love because it's actually going to help you here.

Right now, I imagine you're walking around with a pain in your chest and stomach, especially when you think about your boyfriend's sister's wedding. You might feel that your future-- YOUR LIFE--is in the hands of another person who is unwilling to give you what you want.

You feel bad, so I'm going to ask you: What would make you feel good?

-Feeling in control?
-Feeling at peace?
-Feeling loved by a man who is free and ready to love
you without excuses or limitations?

How would that feel? How would it feel in your chest and in your stomach? Warm? Light? Cheerful?

Please write down the emotions you'd feel if you were in this new situation. Imagine the arms of a man (a generic man, not your current man) you love around your waist. "Feel" yourself dancing with him.

I'm going to ask you to bring this scene to life in your imagination before you get out of bed in the morning and after you put your head on the pillow at night. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

You are employing the law of attraction here, and it's powerful. The goal is to attract a man who loves you, whom you love, and is clear about his desire for a lasting relationship. (Whether this man will turn out to be your current boyfriend remains to be seen.)

Now, as far as your boyfriend's family is concerned, if you've expressed any frustration over the fact that he's not ready to get married, this is the time to stop. If anybody else brings it up, casually change the subject.

It's great that his mother likes you so much, but she says you should "be patient." Here's the truth, though: She's afraid you'll move on and her her son will lose you.

But in the end, whether he gets married is his decision, not hers. And whether you stick around is your decision.

(There's no law that says that because you have developed a relationship with a guy's family that you have to hang around until he's good and ready to put a ring on your finger.)

You do have a job you love, so I strongly suggest that you direct your attention there, to the job itself and to the people you've met through it.

Make a promotion your goal. Work a couple of extra hours when you can. Go out with your work friends for dinner or drinks. Make yourself more available for your job and less available your boyfriend.

The key here is not to be spiteful about it. Just go about your business. Be open to new experiences and opportunities.

Your current boyfriend may indeed be the man for you, or he may not. But you do need to stop insisting that he is because it's making you terribly unhappy.

It is certainly not in your best interests.

If you go to the current guy's sister's wedding and somebody makes an ignorant comment about you "trying to get a ring out of" your boyfriend, smile nicely and say, "I'm happy for [the sister and her husband], but neither of us wants to get married yet."

Which would be true. (Because why would you want to marry some guy you have to talk into marrying you?)

Keep visualizing, "feeling" that loving situation with a man who can't help but love you. THAT MAN WILL EVENUTALLY SHOW UP. Again, whether he is the man you're dating now remains to be seen.

Back on Break

Still busy getting things together, although I'm completely out of my depth. Hope to be back in action soon.

At the supermarket checkout today, I saw a couple cover blurbs that really peeved me on the current issue of a so-called women's magazine. No wonder a lot of females are insecure about themselves, their looks, their ability to be loved.

The media program us to be. Then they sell us loads of products to aid us in our desperate attempts to fix ourselves.

Dating a Married Man (From a Woman Who Knows)

Here's a response to last week's post, Loving a Married Man, from a reader who's been there. I think a lot of women get involved with married men to avoid having to deal with a man's less attractive features on a full-time basis, as she mentions in the third paragraph.

Wow...you hit the nail on the head with this article.

I was the other woman for 2.5 yrs. Yes, he told me he loved me like no other, and he had many. I knew about the others as he was proud of the fact that he had cheated many times over the last 25 years to his wife. The convenience woman, and of course HER kids wouldn't love him if he wasn't married to their MOM. He raised them, put them both through college and they were the "perfect" family. He told me that she had cancer and was dying, and she couldn't tell her grown children. It was their secret. He couldn't toss her to the side of the road, just because she was sick. (This woman had a very high paying job and worked more than any 5 people I know. She was no more dying than I am.)

I couldn't tell you really why I stayed. Maybe it was the possibility that he would leave her, maybe it was because I didn't have to listen to the farts at night, wake up with the banshee hair and bad breath. I didn't have to tolerate his bad habits.

Yes, I stayed knowing everything about him. Or what I thought was everything.
I do believe he loved me .. the best he could. It had a pay off for me. I could
con't to believe all the BS my ex had told me for so long that I wasn't worth it.
I wasn't smart. I was nothing.

I am not sorry for being the other woman... every experience helps us to grow.
I told him finally that he had to choose for once and for all. I transferred out of
state and I told him he had to decide. He stayed in Chicago .. I stayed here in CA. He kept in contact with me daily for the first year. Yes, I answered.. I had hope that he would MISS me soooo much and did love me the most.... but at
the end... She won. He had his roots with her and her grown children. He also
loved her money more than me.

He was 12 yrs older than me, 60 and aging quickly. His final excuse was that she was dying of cancer. (despite the fact she worked everyday .. long hours away from him) .. and that I would be sorry if we were together as he aged more.

It took a long time to get over this... It has been over a year since our last ugly conversation. At times, I do think of him... I haven't been able to delete his notes or pictures off my desktop (which I don't use) .. but that will come in time.

He taught me more about myself .. I could love.. I was capable of giving and receiving love from a man. I finally figured out exactly the type of man that I desire in my life and won't settle. Yes, I learned my lesson on the married man. The Universe has tested me again.. and I passed. NOT going back there again.

Thanks for your emails and great suggestions. Keep them coming.

-Diane

P.S. Don't misunderstand me. It wasn't easy to get over him, or that I thought it was okay to be in the relationship. I fooled myself and found all kinds of ways to justify it.

Live and learn ... I learned big time.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Diane.

How to Date a Member of Another Political Party

This is pretty funny.

Choosing a Man to Marry

Good advice from a Catholic priest, of all people, on this morning's Today. To read the article by Maureen Dowd in Sunday's New York Times that spawned the piece, click here.

I certainly don't agree that this man's wisdom "eliminates everybody."

Loving a Married Man

I just dropped one kid off at camp, and the other one and my aunt are still sleeping. I received the following letter, and despite yesterday's post, I felt compelled to respond:

Dear Terry,

I am recently going through divorce and the divorce hearing is next
week.

Before I got separated from my ex husband, I was seeing a colleague in my office. It's been two years now. Yes, I have been seeing a married man for two years now.

He has indicated from day one when we met that he had no intention to leave his "wife;" he says his wife will not be able to handle the "blow" of the breakdown. He says between them there islittle physical connection. They don't have sex, and the relationship is one of convenience and companionship.

We share a lot about our work, lives and interest. We have so much in common.

He has been very attentive to me more so lately than the last year. He took me on a trip and bought me some really expensive gifts... I am beginning to feel he really loves me, and he says he does many times recently.

Both he and his wife are in their 40s, and they don't have children. They are recently turning to IVF to have a baby.. he says he just wants to keep her busy and occupied so she is less reliant on him.. he says that with or without a child my relationship with him doesn't change.

Obviously all my activities, holidays and time spent with him are under wraps, and he takes his wife to the formal parties and invitations where they are invited as a couple, and I often feel terrible. He is leaving on a 10 day vacation with his wife on a hiking holiday in Italy and he says that he has to play an obligatory duty to her since she does not work.

I hear his wife is beginning to suspect that "he" is having and affair, which he denies.

I have tried breaking up with him many times, but everytime he comes back, and I don't have the heart to let go, especially since i am just out of a marriage. looking for someone to fill the gaps..

I don't like being the other woman.

confused...

Dear Confused-

My head is percolating with so many points, I wonder if I'll be able to remember them all.

You don't like being the other woman, but you are the other woman. You have chosen to conduct a relationship with another woman's husband.

In your mind, what's the best thing that come out of this situation for you? That he leave his wife? If he does leave her for you, you do realize that you'll have "won" a man who lies and cheats.

This is not a recipe for anybody's happily ever after.

Yes, I understand that you are going through a divorce right now, and my heart goes out to you. Divorce is stressful, painful, and gut-wrenching (one of my closest friends is going to divorce court this very morning. The process is hard enough to watch; can only imagine what it feels like).

I sympathize with your desire to "fill the gap." We all need love and attention, especially when we're going through an extremely stressful ordeal.

But I beseech you to forget this man. "Fill the gap" by developing self-love, self-regard, and self-esteem. Don't laugh. The way you're feeling right now, you may think I'm blowing smoke, but your whole life (the men you attract, the jobs, the houses, the clothes, the friends) will change once you devote yourself to the care and feeding of the most important person in your life: You.

(I couldn't help but notice that, in your letter, you didn't capitalize the pronoun, "I," which I changed, and you did not capitalize "Confused" in your signature, which I did not change. This, to my mind, indicates a self-esteem issue.)

I heartily suggest you get hold of You Can Heal Your Life, the groundbreaking book by Louise Hay. It will help you more than I can say. I also recommend her audio CD, Self-Esteem Affirmations, which you can listen to as you fall asleep at night.

You're going through a tough time now, and things are not going to get better until you take care of yourself. A relationship with a married man will only make things much, much worse.

Please be open to the possibility that you can be happy without a man (because, really, have the men you've been with lately made you happy?). Please be open to the possibility that you can make yourself capable of a having a relationship with a man who does not make you work for his affection or ever cause you to question it.

It must be difficult running into the married man at work every day. Would you consider looking for another job to stay away from him?

In the meantime, picture yourself five years from now:

-Still hung up on this married man, who now has a four-year-old kid, is still married and taking trips with the family and parceling attention your way only when it suits him.

-Married to the married man, who has left his wife but sees her every now and then out of "obligation." He also has another girlfriend somewhere. He tells her the girlfriend he's only married to you for convenience and companionship, and he feels obligated to you and needs to keep you occupied (this guy's a real prince, by the way).

-Happily making strides in your career, feeling good about yourself, in a relationship with an honest, loyal, loving, reliable, fun man who loves you and never lets you forget it.

Life is a series of choices. What choices will you make?

Taking a Wee Break

My aunt is failing and has come to stay with me for a few days. She's not sure if she wants to go into assisted living here or near her house in another state (actually, she wants to stay in her own home and be left alone, even though she doesn't like to be left alone).

Things are chaotic around here and will probably remain so for the time being. Wish us luck.

Treat Him Like a Loaded Pistol

Hi, Terry-

Your advice is needed once again...

I wrote to you earlier when I was in a messy relationship with an older guy (whom I described then as a player). I have kept to myself, not called him, and am feeling terrible. I know it will take time to heal.

My problem is that he is very good at mind games. He knows where I live, so he somehow just manages to park his car on one of the roads that is on my route home...too often. I "bump" into him at least three times a week. He knows the coffee shops that I enjoy sitting at, so he just happens to be there when I am there. I moved to another hospital and for whatever reason he seems to just be there too, even though he works somewhere else. I went on a date the other day and we bumped into him. He tried to kiss me on the mouth and it took some maneuvering for the kiss to land somewhere on my cheek. It was either that or a scene.

When we do talk he makes it seem as if we are the best of friends. I am having a hard time behaving naturally around him. What I really want to do is scream at him.

I do not quite get this. He pulled the rug from under me, I did not dump him. It is almost as if he wants to keep me thinking of him and yet he does not really want to be with me.

He is playing me. How do I play him back?

Thanks again for the newsletters, extremely helpful and insightful.

-G.

Dear G.-

His behavior definitely scares me. He has interpreted the fact that you're moving on as a rejection (even though he pulled the rug out from under you), and I don't think it's overreacting to say he's stalking you. You mentioned he tried to kiss you on the mouth, and you had to work to avoid it without causing a scene. This raises a serious red flag.

I don't know this man, so I don't know if he has a history of violence, but it concerns me that he keeps throwing himself in your path (this business of him showing up at your job is particularly worrisome). I sympathize with your desire to scream at him, but I don't think it would be the best course of action. You've already rocked his world by withdrawing your attention (as best you can, given the circumstances). If you were to scream at him, especially publicly, you might shatter his warped ego, and who knows what he'd do.

I don't want to worry you (and, as you know, I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist), but I do want you to be safe. When he makes an appearance, it'll be tricky, but look happy to see him. Be pleasant. If he pretends to be your best friend, pretend to be his. And then safely move on.

If he pulls his garbage while you're on a date, manage to tell the date, "I'm sorry. I'll explain later." Tell him later on that you once went out with this guy, and at one point you actually cared for him, but things have gotten very strange. Don't blow your whole evening discussing your former relationship, but do let the new guy know that you've moved on.

If the player persists in popping up, contact the police and tell them what you've told me. In the meantime, avoid being alone with him at all costs. Take populated streets.

I'm not really equipped to tell you what to do when he forces a kiss on you (which qualifies as assault) in public, especially since you fear some sort of outburst if you protest. From what you said about avoiding a scene, I don't know that a straightforward approach would work (as in, "You know, I really cared about you, but it's over now. Don't kiss me.")

If any readers have experience with this kind of situation, I would really like to hear from them. Please leave a comment. I've asked my husband's opinion, and he doesn't like the sound of any of this.

Nobody should have to deal with this nonsense, G. I hope I've been able to offer some help.

-Terry

John Adams, It's the Fourth of July!

I heard such good things about the John Adams miniseries starring Paul Giammati and Laura Linney that I put it on my Netflix queue a couple of weeks ago. The series was based on the biography of Adams by David McCullough. I've had a copy in my bookcase since around 2002, but I never read it.

I decided to push the series to the bottom of my queue until I read the book, which is what I've been doing all week. So far I can tell you one thing: John Adams was no Peter Cook.

Later today, Peter (not Cook) and I and the girls are headed to my brother's fiancee's house for a barbecue. The weather isn't great, but that's never stopped us from having a good time before.

If you're in the US, enjoy Independence Day (and if you're not, enjoy the Fourth of July. It only comes once a year)!

Every Woman's Worst Nightmare

The Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce trial is in full swing, blowing minds from coast to coast. I've read tons of criticism about Christie being married four times, but nobody deserves to find out her husband has been living a double life.

The poor woman is living a Lifetime movie.

The scary thing is, many other women will follow this story and conclude that the revelations about Peter (which I have no desire to detail) represent typical male behavior: Men are born to stray.

Some women will tell themselves, "Well, it's okay that my boyfriend said I'm stupid. At least he's not Peter Cook,' or "Well, it's normal that he cheats. If Christie Brinkley can't keep a man faithful, I certainly can't."

It's important to keep in mind those men who didn't and don't cheat, men who love and remain devoted to their wives and girlfriends. I'm thinking about my father, my brother, and my good friend, M, who drove from New York to Pennsylvania to be with his wife on weekends while she studied for her doctorate. I'm thinking of our friend, B, who was devastated to find out his girlfriend of some years was cheating on him. For him, cheating represented the ultimate betrayal. He broke up with the cheater and eventually married a woman who (we believe) shares his values.

So, please don't let this very sad Brinkley/Cook drama convince you to lower your expectations. Men are not all the same.

You Meet All Kinds

If you've been with me for a while, you know I spend a fair amount of time in coffee houses.

There's a whole subculture of people (usually men) who inhabit them, tapping away at laptops. I've met some interesting people, including artists, writers, computer geeks, and students. The man I met today took the cake.

He's a marriage counselor and astrologer who wanted to get married. He'd been divorced and was determined to meet his perfect match. After a while, he went online and met a woman who lived in the area. During their conversation, he ran her astrology chart, and deduced that she was the woman for him.

"I'm going to marry you," he said during their first phone conversation, before he'd ever met her.

She agreed to meet him at a restaurant.

On his way in, he told the hostess, "I'm going to meet my future wife here, so please let her know where I'm sitting."

The woman showed up, they talked, and he proposed to her after an hour.

She actually said yes. He reports that they've been married for over a year, and they're very happy. I'd love to meet her and get her take on it.

I'm on the fence about astrology, so I'll save the lame joke about this being a marriage made in heaven. It's a great story, that's for sure. You may wonder how I-- a person who writes regularly about dating and marriage-- managed to extract it from a perfect stranger.

I didn't. I was setting up my laptop, and we made small talk. Then he told me how he met his wife.

The Law of Attraction strikes again.

She Changed Her Name--for This?

On Friday, the girls and I took my father and Peter out to dinner to celebrate Father's Day, which fell a couple of weeks ago. (You know how that goes: My father spent Father's Day with one of my siblings; Peter and I hung out with his brother and his family).

We went to our favorite American restaurant, where tables are covered with linen, and the dress code is casual but definitely neat. I was enjoying a glass of wine when a couple in their early 30s came in with 3-year-old twin girls. The girls were beautiful, long curly-haired things in bright white sandals and matching sundresses. The husband wore a polo shirt and crisp chinos.

The wife? Well, the wife had on a white t-shirt with a logo on it that made her look like a walking rectangle. She'd thrown her hair up into one of those heinous hinged clips.

She looked strikingly out of place next to her family.

If you gave her a second look, you could see she was a good-looking woman. Under the promotional tee, she had a decent figure. But she's about five years from showing up on one of those makeover shows, where women always confess they let themselves go in order to put their husbands and children first.

It's the EBM syndrome: Everybody But Me. It's hard to believe that it remains prevalent in the 21st Century, but I see these its victims everywhere, especially at church.

The result of ceaseless self-sacrifice rarely results in admiration. People say, "Wow. She looks like crap." And people treat people the way they treat themselves. When a woman says "Everybody but me," nobody's going to disagree with her.

Case in point: During the meal, this woman's husband said not one word to her. I did catch him bark a couple of syllables to one of the twins, but for the most part he kept to himself and shoveled food into his mouth (he's a passable dresser, but he has the table manners of a wolverine).

I had to wonder what this woman was thinking when she raided her bank account (or, worse, went into debt) to pay for her dream wedding to this guy. If she'd known she'd end up his ignored servant in a free t-shirt, would she have bothered?

Probably.

After a while, the twins got restless. The woman stopped eating and allowed them both to sit in her lap, so that her husband could continue his meal undisturbed.

I wanted to slap her.

The Difference Between Love and Self-Inflicted Torture

Hello, Terry-

I love this man. He said he loves me, but he's afraid of his family. We've had sex, but he never calls me or contacts me anymore.

I want him for a life partner. Please give me some ideas. I need him.

Thank you.

P.


Hello, P-

When you have sex with a man, sometimes a little voice tells you that you love him or need him because you had sex with him. You tell yourself you have to love him because you had sex with him, and if you don't love him, oh my gosh, you're a bad person! You buy into the myth that nice girls don't ever, ever sleep with people they don't know well enough to love.

Please give yourself a break.

It's also probable that the attention and affection you received from this person felt great. It might have been the most affection or attention you've gotten in a while, and let's face it, affection and attention can be addictive. You're human, and all humans thrive on affection and attention.

So you're infatuated with the man who provided it.

But is he worth it? Please take a deep breath and consider this carefully.

He doesn't call. He doesn't contact you. He gave you some lame song and dance about being afraid of his family, which makes him rather pathetic. Okay, he's obviously decent in the sack (or you wouldn't be hung up on him), but what else does he have to offer besides excuses and leaving you sad and lonely?

You say you want him for a life partner. Does this mean you want him to be the person you share the newspaper with on Sunday morning, the father of your children, the man who you can rely upon to take care of you if you get sick?

Does he really have the qualities the job requires?

My best advice is to forget this guy. If he comes around again, tell him that you've decided to hold out for a man who loves you, calls you, and never makes excuses.

Terry

Picking a Winner

I enjoyed Susan Courtad's funny and perceptive piece at The Imperfect Parent about Hollywood's single parents. It reminded me of yet another celeb single parent who's in the news lately.

Christie Brinkley, the biggest model in the world during the 1980s, the woman the magazines insisted we aspire to grow up to be, is embroiled in a nasty fourth divorce.

Despite the roller-coaster love life, Christie is still beautiful at the age of 54. The fact that she's beautiful tells me two things:

-Beauty does not necessarily attract love and happiness.

-Beauty attracts certain men who are more interested in being seen with a beautiful woman than in having a mutually-satisfying relationship.

Christie filed for divorce from her current husband after she found out he was having an affair with a 19-year-old girl.

Gross.

Her previous husband turned out to be a disappointment. She claimed she discovered him to be a "totally false person." You think Christie would have learned from this experience and vetted her next husband better.

As for Peter Cook, the husband with the teenaged girlfriend, get this: He has a new lady in his life! There's actually another woman on the planet willing to date this individual.

And then there's Charlie Sheen, who Christie didn't marry, but Denise Richards (whom Susan Courtad refers to in her piece) did. After their marriage exploded, a tape surfaced of Charlie telling Denise to go cry to her "bald mother" who had undergone chemotherapy (and has since died).

Last week another tape surfaced of Charlie calling Denise all sorts of other things that forced him to apologize to the African-American community.

The amazing thing? He's found yet another woman to marry him. Despite his involvement in the Heidi Fleiss scandal (Charlie liked the hookers) and the craziness with Denise, this guy scored another wife.

Sure, it might be cool to have Martin Sheen for a father-in-law. He seems like a lovely man. But if it means I have to show up at the altar with Charlie, I'd rather stay home and read some books.

Some women really need to choose their men more carefully.

How to Have a Summer Romance

Or better yet, how to read the signs when you're in for a serious blow-off:

The Best Weekend Ever

Well, almost ever.

Peter, the girls, and I drove down to Long Island to our friends' block party, where we met up with lots of fun old friends. Then I hopped the LIRR (sans family) to Manhattan to meet my brother and his fiancee to have dinner and see The Cure at Radio City.

The block party was just taking off when I had to leave to catch my train, and I hoped to God The Cure would be worth it. I hate it when you waste hours of your life on a mediocre show. Better to just stick with the Ipod.

But The Cure wailed for three solid hours in which I was transported into another time and another space. Robert Smith may be slightly puffy, but his voice still has the same endearing desperate quality it always did. It was a helluva show. (Take that, Brett Michaels!)

My brother's fiancee, a lovely and accomplished person, said, "Those guys have incredible stamina for old people." I said, "How old do you think they are?" She said, "Robert Smith must be 50!"

Is 50 old?

Turns out Robert Smith is not 50. He's 49, but still? Is 50 old? Is it? I mean, I'm not 50, but if I'm lucky, it's on the horizon.

And, as for ancient Robert Smith and the boys, they performed this 3-hour act after playing Madison Square Garden the night before. My fit 30-something brother, who works out in a gym most mornings and made cracks about some of the audience "getting ready to collect Social Security," had to sit down during the third hour.

"I worked today," he said. "I'm exhausted."

Oh, yeah? So who you calling old?

Real Men Are Not Threatened By Strong Women

So says an ultra-masculine relationship expert by the name of Steve Santagati in this short and compelling CBS segment (preceded by a short commercial). Steve, you're singing my song:

A 'Meaningful Relationship' After Two Dates?

Dear Terry-

I dated a man twice I met on online dating.

I heard a lot from him in the beginning. Then he tapered off. He would catch me at times and email me that he would catch me when he can.

However, when I confronted him to tell him that in order to have a meaningful relationship we should see each other more often. It was then that he told me that in order for us to have meaningful relationship we would have to live closer, so he decided to call it quits.

He is a widower and was once engaged before and broke it off with the woman. I think even if I lived near him, he would have found another excuse to not continue. It seemed like he only wants a physical relationship now. I want to be in a committed relationship. Did I do the right thing by confronting him?

-I.S.

Dear I.S.-

When a guy's calls taper off, you can definitely assume he's not interested in pursuing a relationship, especially when he tells you he'll "catch" you when he can.

So you did the right thing there.

As far as a "meaningful relationship" goes, what does that mean? It means different things to different people. Decide exactly how you define it (and then take the term out of your vocabulary because it scares people).

Determine what constitutes a happy relationship in your mind. In other words, what qualities would the man have, what things would you be doing together 10 years from now?

You need to know, so that the next time you date somebody, you have an internal guide to help you decide whether he's a) the person you'd want such a relationship with, and b) if he's capable of being the one to enjoy it with you.

You won't have to tell him what he needs to do to make your relationship "meaningful." If he's the right guy, he'll be calling you, showing up when he says he will, letting you know he loves you, and making your happiness a priority (as you should make his).

That's not to say that you should ever expect anyone to read your mind. If you have something to say, say it.

But ask yourself how you would feel if a man--after two dates-- said, "You know, Darling, if we're going to have a meaningful relationship, we need to see each other more often."

Would you even know him well enough after two dates to want a long-term relationship with him? For all you know, he could be one of those creeps who got busted on To Catch a Predator.

The next time you meet a Mr. Maybe, take your time getting to know him. If he doesn't call you after a couple of dates, assume he's not the one for you and keep going.

Know what you want from a relationship. Not every man you meet will have the same goals as you, but the right one will. He's out there. Keep moving until you find him.

You Can't Build a Relationship on a Brazilian

Terry-

I want your opinion on this!

I have read in some dating magazines and books that in order to keep that man - take some Advil and go get waxed you know where. Now I have tried the shaving thing, and it's just darn uncomfortable when it grows back in - not to mention hair down there has a purpose. What do you say to the guy who rejects you because you don't spread to have some woman rip away at your nether regions?

Now mind you - I don't care for a hairy back and if given the choice I would prefer not to have an armadillo. I would NOT reject a good man for this. Is it the same fat vs. thin argument? Men are visual, who can blame them and if they take care of themselves why shouldn't you?

For all purposes - I am well groomed, I do shave my legs and pits and don't have loose strands peeking out of my bathing suit. What's the etiquette on Brazilian or not? Plus it's not cheap.

-J.
Canada - home of the beaver!

Dear J.-

Excuse me while I retrieve my head from the ceiling.

First I'll address your question: What do you say to a man who rejects you because you are not inclined to subject yourself to the overrated ritual euphemistically known as a Brazilian?

You tell him, "Try watching a little less porn, Jackass."

The notion that it is somehow your duty to submit yourself to this masochism to please a man is beyond me. I've never--let me repeat--never met a healthy man who rejected a woman based on the appearance of her lady parts (as Tina Fey likes to call them).

The next time you read a so-called women's magazine, ask yourself, "Do I feel better about myself after reading this thing? Or worse?"

If you feel worse, the magazine has done its job, which is to make you feel insecure enough to buy its advertisers' products in an attempt to feel better about yourself. Remember, the function of some advertising is not to suggest a solution to a problem, but to create a problem that the product can solve for you:

Want a man to love you? Today's man can only love you if you appear to have reached the sexual maturity of a First Grader.

Other arguments for the Brazilian include:

-All the hot female celebrities get Brazilians; it's no big deal. Why not you?

-A Brazilian is exotic. You will feel so much sexier!

Listen, if you're really and truly intrigued by the idea of a Brazilian, if it makes sense to you, go for it. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reason, which would be for yourself, not to please or attract some guy.

Let me repeat: I've never met a healthy man (you know, one without a porn addiction or serious control issues) who cared that much about the appearance of his girlfriend's parts. He's just happy she has them.

As for the "men are visual" argument, think about that one for a minute, will you? The Brazilian wax is a relatively new phenomenon. Men and women have been getting along since the dawn of time without it.

Did your mother worry about getting Brazilians to keep a man's interest? Did your grandmother? My guess is that your female ancestors did just fine without paying a stranger to tear sheets of hair from the tenderest spots of their anatomies.

The visual argument is genius. It also excuses tons of bad behavior: Your boyfriend ogles other women? He's not a jackass. He's visual.

The visual argument moves lots of product, let me tell you.

Relationships are based on sexual attraction, sure, but sexual attraction usually develops before you and a man have seen each other naked. Lasting relationships are based on more than sexual attraction. They're based on love, respect, humor, and the desire for the other partner's happiness.

Save your money and your skin. A Brazilian is not necessary to keep a (healthy) man's affection. But a self-involved jerk with a commercially-imposed sense of what's sexy?

That's another story.