Hi, Terry-
I need your advice. Do you think I'm desperate when I'm saying now I'm mature, and I want a steady relationship, have a child and get married?
The problem is I don't think my boyfriend is ready. He's always busy at work, doesn't call or calls only when he feels the need to do so. Do you think he loves me? Please help.
-Needing Clarification
Hello, Clarification-
Here's the good news: You know what you want, and it does not make you desperate.
Let's look at it this way: When you get up in the morning, you may say to yourself, "I want a cup of coffee."
You know what you want, and you get it. You probably don't go to the coffee counter and ask for a glass of tomato juice. So the first step in getting what you want is knowing what you want. Sounds simple, eh?
But here's where it gets complicated: You say you're ready to get married, but you're pinning your hopes on some guy who doesn't even call you half the time. The guy is a glass of tomato juice.
I don't know if he loves you, but it seems to me there are more attentive men in the world, and you would do well to set your sights on one of them. Getting married and being married is fun only if you're doing it with the right person. A person who is too busy at work or only calls when it suits him may very well not be that person.
Having a child will exact physical, emotional, and mental demands on you, and you deserve a hands-on partner who's not going to treat the kid as some sort of a hobby he gets around to in free moments.
Congratulations to you on discovering that you are ready for marriage and children. Please write out exactly what qualities you'd like in the man who decides to join you on this journey. This way, you'll recognize him when you see him.
Most important, don't tell yourself that convincing your current boyfriend to marry you is your only hope for love and happiness. Continue to see him if you must, but definitely keep your eyes peeled for much better opportunities.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Is This Guy for Real?
Dear Terry:
I've been seeing a 33-year-old man who has a demanding job on Wall Street. He's everything I ever wanted. He's tall and handsome, confident, makes a lot of money, makes me laugh, and says he is so attracted to me. (He says this a lot. Sometimes he says he can't believe how attracted he is to me.)
As for me, he's like my kryptonite. I lay eyes on him and go weak at the knees.
Once or twice a week when he isn't traveling (he travels for his job several times a month), he comes to my apartment for dinner. Says I'm a great cook, which thrills me to no end. I can put together a gourmet meal out of scraps from the refrigerator.
The problem is, we always spend time at my place. Even though he lives near me, I have never, ever been invited to his. Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner, I made a joke to see if he'd invite me to his house or at least indicate why I haven't been there.
(Just so you know: He is NOT married. I went to school with his sisters.)
He changed the subject immediately. A day or two later, he came back and asked me to accompany him on a business trip to Cincinnati. It sounded all very romantic, until I got there and found myself spending most of the day by myself (I walked around and discovered that Cincinnati is full of the same chain stores selling the same junk as the stores in New York. Oh, boy!)
Nights were spent waiting for him to get back from dinner with someone or other. I went out for Chinese by myself one night. I ordered room service the next and hung around all night in this little box of a room fiddling with a TV remote (that was tethered to the wall), only to end up watching Sex & the City reruns I've already seen 16 times.
I came close to crying, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to be a baby about it. After all, the guy was on a business trip and had to work.
Would like your perspective on this, Terry. I am crazy about this guy. I want to marry him. He seems crazy about me, but the thing that bothers me most is that he won't let me in his house.
Do you think I'm overreacting?
-On the Doorstep
-------------------------------
Dear Doorstep-
Overreacting? Not exactly.
I think a better question would be, "Why do you automatically assume you're overreacting when you're frustrated that your boyfriend won't let you near his house?"
If a man is in good emotional health and is truly interested in you, he tends to want you to see where he lives. Unless, of course, it's infested with killer bees.
Okay, he's handsome and works on Wall Street. I get the attraction. But how great is his job? Why does his company put him up in hotels that chain remote controls to the wall, for instance?
In my experience companies tend to put employees in hotels that cater to business travelers, not in $99/night family specials.
Something's not quite right here.
Now, about your cooking. Does this man ever take you out to dinner? If you're providing all the meals, he's taking advantage of you. Also, the adage "The way to a man's heart is through is stomach" is not always true.
Sometimes you just get a guy who wants a free meal and somebody to listen to his problems.
This bit in your letter really got me: "Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner..."
Forgive me while I go "all Terry" on you, but if you cook for the man, the least he can do is clean up, as in lift dish, bring to sink, turn on faucet, wash, rinse, dry, put away.
You cook. He cleans. He cooks. You clean.
A relationship is give and take, and I don't see this man doing anything other than taking. I wish I had the magic words to make you forget about him.
So far, you've provided everything for him, and he's doing precious little for you. He took you on a trip his company paid for. He won't let you into his house.
You deserve better than this.
The next time he calls, tell him you're busy but can meet him somewhere for an hour. Suggest a restaurant. See what he says. If he gives you a hard time, get rid of him.
If he meets you for the meal, let him pay, thank him and say goodnight (keep it to an hour; don't let all wobbly and take him back to your house).
Then, the next time he calls, tell him you'll meet him at HIS house.
If he gives you a hard time, tell him you've developed serious reservations about getting any more involved with a person who doesn't want you in his living space.
After all, this is your life we're talking about.
-Terry
I've been seeing a 33-year-old man who has a demanding job on Wall Street. He's everything I ever wanted. He's tall and handsome, confident, makes a lot of money, makes me laugh, and says he is so attracted to me. (He says this a lot. Sometimes he says he can't believe how attracted he is to me.)
As for me, he's like my kryptonite. I lay eyes on him and go weak at the knees.
Once or twice a week when he isn't traveling (he travels for his job several times a month), he comes to my apartment for dinner. Says I'm a great cook, which thrills me to no end. I can put together a gourmet meal out of scraps from the refrigerator.
The problem is, we always spend time at my place. Even though he lives near me, I have never, ever been invited to his. Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner, I made a joke to see if he'd invite me to his house or at least indicate why I haven't been there.
(Just so you know: He is NOT married. I went to school with his sisters.)
He changed the subject immediately. A day or two later, he came back and asked me to accompany him on a business trip to Cincinnati. It sounded all very romantic, until I got there and found myself spending most of the day by myself (I walked around and discovered that Cincinnati is full of the same chain stores selling the same junk as the stores in New York. Oh, boy!)
Nights were spent waiting for him to get back from dinner with someone or other. I went out for Chinese by myself one night. I ordered room service the next and hung around all night in this little box of a room fiddling with a TV remote (that was tethered to the wall), only to end up watching Sex & the City reruns I've already seen 16 times.
I came close to crying, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to be a baby about it. After all, the guy was on a business trip and had to work.
Would like your perspective on this, Terry. I am crazy about this guy. I want to marry him. He seems crazy about me, but the thing that bothers me most is that he won't let me in his house.
Do you think I'm overreacting?
-On the Doorstep
-------------------------------
Dear Doorstep-
Overreacting? Not exactly.
I think a better question would be, "Why do you automatically assume you're overreacting when you're frustrated that your boyfriend won't let you near his house?"
If a man is in good emotional health and is truly interested in you, he tends to want you to see where he lives. Unless, of course, it's infested with killer bees.
Okay, he's handsome and works on Wall Street. I get the attraction. But how great is his job? Why does his company put him up in hotels that chain remote controls to the wall, for instance?
In my experience companies tend to put employees in hotels that cater to business travelers, not in $99/night family specials.
Something's not quite right here.
Now, about your cooking. Does this man ever take you out to dinner? If you're providing all the meals, he's taking advantage of you. Also, the adage "The way to a man's heart is through is stomach" is not always true.
Sometimes you just get a guy who wants a free meal and somebody to listen to his problems.
This bit in your letter really got me: "Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner..."
Forgive me while I go "all Terry" on you, but if you cook for the man, the least he can do is clean up, as in lift dish, bring to sink, turn on faucet, wash, rinse, dry, put away.
You cook. He cleans. He cooks. You clean.
A relationship is give and take, and I don't see this man doing anything other than taking. I wish I had the magic words to make you forget about him.
So far, you've provided everything for him, and he's doing precious little for you. He took you on a trip his company paid for. He won't let you into his house.
You deserve better than this.
The next time he calls, tell him you're busy but can meet him somewhere for an hour. Suggest a restaurant. See what he says. If he gives you a hard time, get rid of him.
If he meets you for the meal, let him pay, thank him and say goodnight (keep it to an hour; don't let all wobbly and take him back to your house).
Then, the next time he calls, tell him you'll meet him at HIS house.
If he gives you a hard time, tell him you've developed serious reservations about getting any more involved with a person who doesn't want you in his living space.
After all, this is your life we're talking about.
-Terry
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Jon Stewart on John Edwards.
The Daily Show puts a formerly revered politician's "mistake" in perspective:
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Busted Talking to the Old Girlfriend
Hi, Terry!
Each week I receive your emails, and I love to read them. They are full of great advice and great insight. I need some advice.
My boyfriend and I are back together after a heartbreaking separation, and I´m happy about it. We have a good relationship, however, some old patterns and issues have come to the scene again. I don´t like that he is not expressive and that he doesn´t tell me important things that could affect our relationship.
Yesterday, I was at his apartment sharing time with him, when the phone rang. He answered the phone and greeted someone. After the first call, he took a second call. After he hung up, I casually asked who it was and he told me it was his father. Then I asked him who called him first and he told me that it was a female friend from work who wanted some advice from him. And I said “oh, ok”.
I didn´t say anything afterwards and kept doing my business at the couch with my laptop. I felt a surge of energy in my body of anger and jealousy, but I kept that to myself as I didn´t want to express those emotions uncontrollably and wanted to give myself time to think a better way to approach the situation.
Today, he visited me, and we started talking casually about my need of having a better communication with him and bulding trust between the two of us. I told him that when that girl called him I felt insecure as I wondered if she was the girl which he had slept with for many months before coming back to me.
When I asked for the truth, he told me that I was correct. I felt extremely upset and disappointed. I felt cheated. I didn´t know that he was still in contact with her and that they were still “friends” according to him. If I hadn´t been at his apartment yesterday night, I would not have known that my boyfriend is still in contact with that girl in a friendly way as he would not have told me.
I love this man and I know in my heart that he loves me, but I don´t know what to do. I am very concerned about not telling me this kind of things. He is very secretive about these things, and if I don´t find out by myself, he probably won´t tell me. He tells me that he has been loyal to me since he is with me and I believe him, but I feel extremely upset of him being in contact with this girl who was his lover and hiding this truth for me. I know he has to see her as they work at the same place, but I´m concerned that it is not a work relationship. I feel cheated and not respected even if I know he is not sleeping with her.
I know you have great insights, Terry, and I would like with all my heart to give some advice about how to handle this situation and if I truly be concerned about him not telling me he is still in contact with an ex.. Please help me. Your advice would be great, Terry.
-A Reader in Mexico
Hello, Mexico-
You were right to give yourself time to figure out how to approach this situation. (Many people, had they been in your place, would just fly off the handle.)
The good news is that your boyfriend told you the truth: He was speaking to the ex-girlfriend.
The bad news is that he didn't tell you straight-out the first time you asked him.
I don't know your boyfriend, but I think you're wise to follow your instincts. You say that you know in your heart that he does love you. If this isn't enough, ask yourself, is he usually truthful with you and with other people? Liars lie all over the place: To bosses, coworkers, friends, and, especially, you. How easily does he lie? How often?
He may have told you at first that he was speaking to a "female friend" at work instead of the ex because he feared how you'd react. We may or may not be able to give him a pass here. It depends on the question I've already posed: How much of a liar is he?
If you determine that he's worthy of your trust, you can encourage him to open more by not overreacting when he says something (and you certainly didn't in this instance; you handled the whole thing very well). He may start to open up a bit, or he may not.
Some people feel a need to express every single thought out loud. Other people don't (because it's not their nature, or they're shy, or they're afraid of boring you or looking silly).
As long as misunderstandings don't result, you should be okay. You say that he sometimes doesn't express things that could affect your relationship. Well, in that case, it's certainly okay to ask him directly, as you did after he got on the phone with the ex.
As long as he gives you a straight answer, I wouldn't worry about it.
Each week I receive your emails, and I love to read them. They are full of great advice and great insight. I need some advice.
My boyfriend and I are back together after a heartbreaking separation, and I´m happy about it. We have a good relationship, however, some old patterns and issues have come to the scene again. I don´t like that he is not expressive and that he doesn´t tell me important things that could affect our relationship.
Yesterday, I was at his apartment sharing time with him, when the phone rang. He answered the phone and greeted someone. After the first call, he took a second call. After he hung up, I casually asked who it was and he told me it was his father. Then I asked him who called him first and he told me that it was a female friend from work who wanted some advice from him. And I said “oh, ok”.
I didn´t say anything afterwards and kept doing my business at the couch with my laptop. I felt a surge of energy in my body of anger and jealousy, but I kept that to myself as I didn´t want to express those emotions uncontrollably and wanted to give myself time to think a better way to approach the situation.
Today, he visited me, and we started talking casually about my need of having a better communication with him and bulding trust between the two of us. I told him that when that girl called him I felt insecure as I wondered if she was the girl which he had slept with for many months before coming back to me.
When I asked for the truth, he told me that I was correct. I felt extremely upset and disappointed. I felt cheated. I didn´t know that he was still in contact with her and that they were still “friends” according to him. If I hadn´t been at his apartment yesterday night, I would not have known that my boyfriend is still in contact with that girl in a friendly way as he would not have told me.
I love this man and I know in my heart that he loves me, but I don´t know what to do. I am very concerned about not telling me this kind of things. He is very secretive about these things, and if I don´t find out by myself, he probably won´t tell me. He tells me that he has been loyal to me since he is with me and I believe him, but I feel extremely upset of him being in contact with this girl who was his lover and hiding this truth for me. I know he has to see her as they work at the same place, but I´m concerned that it is not a work relationship. I feel cheated and not respected even if I know he is not sleeping with her.
I know you have great insights, Terry, and I would like with all my heart to give some advice about how to handle this situation and if I truly be concerned about him not telling me he is still in contact with an ex.. Please help me. Your advice would be great, Terry.
-A Reader in Mexico
Hello, Mexico-
You were right to give yourself time to figure out how to approach this situation. (Many people, had they been in your place, would just fly off the handle.)
The good news is that your boyfriend told you the truth: He was speaking to the ex-girlfriend.
The bad news is that he didn't tell you straight-out the first time you asked him.
I don't know your boyfriend, but I think you're wise to follow your instincts. You say that you know in your heart that he does love you. If this isn't enough, ask yourself, is he usually truthful with you and with other people? Liars lie all over the place: To bosses, coworkers, friends, and, especially, you. How easily does he lie? How often?
He may have told you at first that he was speaking to a "female friend" at work instead of the ex because he feared how you'd react. We may or may not be able to give him a pass here. It depends on the question I've already posed: How much of a liar is he?
If you determine that he's worthy of your trust, you can encourage him to open more by not overreacting when he says something (and you certainly didn't in this instance; you handled the whole thing very well). He may start to open up a bit, or he may not.
Some people feel a need to express every single thought out loud. Other people don't (because it's not their nature, or they're shy, or they're afraid of boring you or looking silly).
As long as misunderstandings don't result, you should be okay. You say that he sometimes doesn't express things that could affect your relationship. Well, in that case, it's certainly okay to ask him directly, as you did after he got on the phone with the ex.
As long as he gives you a straight answer, I wouldn't worry about it.
Monday, August 11, 2008
He Wasn't What I Thought He Was
I was a big fan of John Edwards, the former presidential candidate who last week admitted to cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. When the news broke about the affair, I was devastated.
I'd bought into the whole Edwards family story, the details they shared with us about how John and Elizabeth celebrated all their wedding anniversaries at Wendy's, how they leaned on each other after the tragedy of their son's death, how Elizabeth stoically kept the news of her breast cancer away from John until all the numbers came in after the 2004 election.
I really, really liked John Edwards. I voted for him in the primary in 2004. After he lost and was cast as John Kerry's running mate, I voted for him, too. I went to the primary in February of this year downhearted that I couldn't vote for Edwards in this election; he'd dropped out of the race a day or two earlier.
And now this...
It's bad enough he cheated on his wife, who I imagine after all her physical and emotional trials, could shatter like thin glass. But he also cheated on all of us who believed in him, who defended him when cynics called him "Breck Girl" and questioned the right of a former mill worker's son to indulge in pricey haircuts and live in an extravagant home. He cheated on the working class people who sent him money in the hopes of seeing him making good on his promise to restore the Land of Opportunity to the increasingly less fortunate.
My friend tells me it's only Americans who get hung up on the sex lives of politicians, and I know she's right. I mean, Clinton didn't bother me. I knew what I was getting when I voted for him. I just wanted a president who could get the job done.
But this guy, Edwards, is different. He sold us a fairy story. I don't know whether I'm madder at him or at myself that I bought it.
I'd bought into the whole Edwards family story, the details they shared with us about how John and Elizabeth celebrated all their wedding anniversaries at Wendy's, how they leaned on each other after the tragedy of their son's death, how Elizabeth stoically kept the news of her breast cancer away from John until all the numbers came in after the 2004 election.
I really, really liked John Edwards. I voted for him in the primary in 2004. After he lost and was cast as John Kerry's running mate, I voted for him, too. I went to the primary in February of this year downhearted that I couldn't vote for Edwards in this election; he'd dropped out of the race a day or two earlier.
And now this...
It's bad enough he cheated on his wife, who I imagine after all her physical and emotional trials, could shatter like thin glass. But he also cheated on all of us who believed in him, who defended him when cynics called him "Breck Girl" and questioned the right of a former mill worker's son to indulge in pricey haircuts and live in an extravagant home. He cheated on the working class people who sent him money in the hopes of seeing him making good on his promise to restore the Land of Opportunity to the increasingly less fortunate.
My friend tells me it's only Americans who get hung up on the sex lives of politicians, and I know she's right. I mean, Clinton didn't bother me. I knew what I was getting when I voted for him. I just wanted a president who could get the job done.
But this guy, Edwards, is different. He sold us a fairy story. I don't know whether I'm madder at him or at myself that I bought it.
Friday, August 08, 2008
Single Women Rule
I'm very excited to announce that Keysha Whitaker, founder of Eve's Society, the international organization for unmarried women of all ages, has asked me to come on board to promote the message that 'single is good.' (I strive to instill it in my two young daughters!)
Eve's Society's mission is to help make single women's personal and professional lives successful.
Membership is free and entitles you to:
-Take advantage of a growing list of store and service discounts
-Post your personal and professional accomplishments (and include
the link to your website)
-Access Eve's Society's international member network.
I'm most excited about the growing international member list. You've heard the maxim: "It's not WHAT you know; it's WHO you know."
Who knows what opportunities will arise -- and who you'll meet -- when you have access to other bright, success-oriented, self-respecting single women like yourself?
Check out Eve's Society here:
Eve's Society's mission is to help make single women's personal and professional lives successful.
Membership is free and entitles you to:
-Take advantage of a growing list of store and service discounts
-Post your personal and professional accomplishments (and include
the link to your website)
-Access Eve's Society's international member network.
I'm most excited about the growing international member list. You've heard the maxim: "It's not WHAT you know; it's WHO you know."
Who knows what opportunities will arise -- and who you'll meet -- when you have access to other bright, success-oriented, self-respecting single women like yourself?
Check out Eve's Society here:
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Is It Just Me? Or Is This Article Really Offensive?
The tone of this article published in The New York Daily News the other day really bugged me.
I particularly object to the use of the phrases, "nab a guy," "landing a guy," "competition is heavy," "better your odds," and, "Keep your chin up, Ladies" (which really should be "Keep your chins up, Ladies," don't you think?).
I hate this media b.s. designed to cause unnecessary desperation among women. Desperation leads to bad decisions, and I hate to see any woman "landing" the wrong freaking man.
Better single and happy than married and miserable, I always say.
I particularly object to the use of the phrases, "nab a guy," "landing a guy," "competition is heavy," "better your odds," and, "Keep your chin up, Ladies" (which really should be "Keep your chins up, Ladies," don't you think?).
I hate this media b.s. designed to cause unnecessary desperation among women. Desperation leads to bad decisions, and I hate to see any woman "landing" the wrong freaking man.
Better single and happy than married and miserable, I always say.
Friday, August 01, 2008
She Thinks She's Ready to Meet a Man
Dear Terry,
I have been receiving emails from you and have learned a lot. I would be happier, though, if I could finally apply them to my life. I have stopped dating for almost four years already since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I've already forgotten all about my ex and have forgiven him. I guess I'm just too busy to go out and meet new male friends.
About two weeks ago, I decided to join an international dating site. It was fun at first--sending interests to men who I found attractive and receiving interests and mails from men 50 years old and above (I have included in my profile that I prefer men between the age of 30 and 41). By the way, I'm turning 32 two days from now. Only 3 or 4 of those interested in me are within my age preference, the rest (15 or more) are almost my mother's age.
How can I attract men on that website within my preferred age bracket? Could you also help me or give some tips on how to sustain the interest of those who have expressed their interest in me? I have received a couple of mails from men who I also find attractive. They said that they liked my profile and they find me cute, as I have posted 3 photos there. And then I replied to their mails and have not heard from them since.
Any help from you will be appreciated.
Thanks for reading this. Good luck and God bless.
Regards,
P.
Hello, P.
Happy 32nd birthday! I hope you did something fun.
Okay, you say you haven't dated in four years (after a breakup with a guy you've already "forgotten" and "forgiven"). Did it take you four years to get over that relationship? It's possible you're truly over the ex, but are you really over the pain of the breakup?
I ask because I wonder if you're avoiding relationships altogether on a subconscious level. You mentioned you've been "too busy" to make new male friends.
And now, when you do get around to meeting new men, you choose to do it on an international dating site. Not a local dating site. An international dating site. This implies that the men you connect with would live very far away. It would take some doing to fit them into your already busy life. You might not have to ever see them at all!
A lot of women who can't ever manage to meet the right guy suffer from mighty fears about relationships. They are attracted to -- and they attract--men with similar fears (men who won't commit). Or they don't attract anyone at all.
Ask yourself what scares you about relationships. Write a list. I imagine getting hurt again would be number one, and this is perfectly natural. Ask yourself what's the worst thing that would happen your fears came true. Could you handle it?
If so, stop making excuses and get out of the house. Get out of the office. Go where men your age go: Baseball games, restaurants, bookstores, open mic nights in coffee shops, sports bars. Volunteer for an organization where men tend to volunteer, like Habitat for Humanity.
To keep a man's interest, be yourself. Don't sit by the phone waiting for his call. Stay focused on your own life. See your friends. Be available but not overly available.
Just as we women like to think we're getting a prize in the men we date, men like to think they're getting a prize in us, too. Be a prize.
Good luck, P. I wish you every happiness in the world.
Terry
I have been receiving emails from you and have learned a lot. I would be happier, though, if I could finally apply them to my life. I have stopped dating for almost four years already since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I've already forgotten all about my ex and have forgiven him. I guess I'm just too busy to go out and meet new male friends.
About two weeks ago, I decided to join an international dating site. It was fun at first--sending interests to men who I found attractive and receiving interests and mails from men 50 years old and above (I have included in my profile that I prefer men between the age of 30 and 41). By the way, I'm turning 32 two days from now. Only 3 or 4 of those interested in me are within my age preference, the rest (15 or more) are almost my mother's age.
How can I attract men on that website within my preferred age bracket? Could you also help me or give some tips on how to sustain the interest of those who have expressed their interest in me? I have received a couple of mails from men who I also find attractive. They said that they liked my profile and they find me cute, as I have posted 3 photos there. And then I replied to their mails and have not heard from them since.
Any help from you will be appreciated.
Thanks for reading this. Good luck and God bless.
Regards,
P.
Hello, P.
Happy 32nd birthday! I hope you did something fun.
Okay, you say you haven't dated in four years (after a breakup with a guy you've already "forgotten" and "forgiven"). Did it take you four years to get over that relationship? It's possible you're truly over the ex, but are you really over the pain of the breakup?
I ask because I wonder if you're avoiding relationships altogether on a subconscious level. You mentioned you've been "too busy" to make new male friends.
And now, when you do get around to meeting new men, you choose to do it on an international dating site. Not a local dating site. An international dating site. This implies that the men you connect with would live very far away. It would take some doing to fit them into your already busy life. You might not have to ever see them at all!
A lot of women who can't ever manage to meet the right guy suffer from mighty fears about relationships. They are attracted to -- and they attract--men with similar fears (men who won't commit). Or they don't attract anyone at all.
Ask yourself what scares you about relationships. Write a list. I imagine getting hurt again would be number one, and this is perfectly natural. Ask yourself what's the worst thing that would happen your fears came true. Could you handle it?
If so, stop making excuses and get out of the house. Get out of the office. Go where men your age go: Baseball games, restaurants, bookstores, open mic nights in coffee shops, sports bars. Volunteer for an organization where men tend to volunteer, like Habitat for Humanity.
To keep a man's interest, be yourself. Don't sit by the phone waiting for his call. Stay focused on your own life. See your friends. Be available but not overly available.
Just as we women like to think we're getting a prize in the men we date, men like to think they're getting a prize in us, too. Be a prize.
Good luck, P. I wish you every happiness in the world.
Terry
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Divorced With a Kid: Can She Really Find Love?
Hello Terry,
I met a guy online two weeks ago.
We went out on our first meeting and hit off really well. We had a lot to drink, and we were hammered. We ended up lying in bed; we didn't have sex the first night.
He has been messaging every morning, lunch, dinner time and before he goes to bed. We've met each other for dinner about three times since our first meeting two weeks ago, and we communicate via IMs throughout the day.
He has even suggested coinciding his work travel schedule with mine, so that we can be in the same city for a few days.
He is an incredibly eligible single bachelor with a great job, while I have high flying career and by most standards a very attractive woman. I am recently divorced with a 4 year old daughter.
I am skeptical that a guy like him could possibly fall for someone like me, with a scarred life and baggage.
The chemistry feels right, and I have not felt so terribly happy since my separation with my ex-husband and the many unstable relationships over the years.
Somehow I feel this is too good to be happening to a girl like me. I question if he is genuinely interested in me or could I be an easy target since I am divorced and perhaps lonely.
I want to know what he thinks, but I feel that it is too soon to ask or even talk about a relationship. It might really scare him off.
How can I really know? Are there subtle ways to find out?
-Wondering
Dear Wondering,
While I happen to enjoy a good beer (or several), getting hammered on a first date raises a yellow flag. Do you have to drink to have a good time? Does he? Do all your dates involve alcohol?
If so, it could signal a problem.
This comment of yours also concerns me:
Now, why is inconceivable that a good thing could happen to a girl like you? So, you're divorced with a kid. So are a lot of people. You're attractive and have a great job. A lot of people aren't and don't, and they still manage to attract men who will stand on their heads to be with them.
The guy seems to want to spend time with you. That's great! Okay, there's no shortage of jerks who will use women for their own purposes, but there's also no shortage of great guys who want to fall in love and spend their life with one special woman.
How do you figure out which category this new man falls into?
You take your time. You continue to focus on your job and your child and your friends and the books you like to read. You do not allow this new relationship to drag you out to sea. You make yourself available to get to know this man better, but you don't break plans with other people or let go of other responsibilities to do so.
You maintain a wait-and-see attitude. You tell yourself, "Maybe this is the right guy for me, and maybe he isn't." You let him show you. You listen to him when he speaks. You watch his eyes. You make sure that his words match up with his actions.
You're always kind, considerate, and charming, but at no point do you ask yourself, "What do I do to prove to this guy that I'm the right woman for him?"
Above all, always keep in mind that you are an attractive woman with plenty to offer. Make a list of your very best qualities and remind yourself that a man would be lucky to have you.
If you happen to possess any qualities that cause you to devalue yourself, today is the day to decide to replace them with better ones. Again, use a pen and paper and put your lesser qualities on paper. How can you turn them around?
In the meantime, if you find all the IMing distracting, limit it to once or twice a day. It's flattering to be contacted constantly by an attractive man, but it's not going to help you keep things in perspective.
This guy may turn out to be the man of your dreams, or he may not. Either way, know that you're an attractive, sought-after woman. The fact that you're divorced and have a child doesn't change that. Be open to the possibility that a man can and will love you just as you are.
You deserve that much.
I met a guy online two weeks ago.
We went out on our first meeting and hit off really well. We had a lot to drink, and we were hammered. We ended up lying in bed; we didn't have sex the first night.
He has been messaging every morning, lunch, dinner time and before he goes to bed. We've met each other for dinner about three times since our first meeting two weeks ago, and we communicate via IMs throughout the day.
He has even suggested coinciding his work travel schedule with mine, so that we can be in the same city for a few days.
He is an incredibly eligible single bachelor with a great job, while I have high flying career and by most standards a very attractive woman. I am recently divorced with a 4 year old daughter.
I am skeptical that a guy like him could possibly fall for someone like me, with a scarred life and baggage.
The chemistry feels right, and I have not felt so terribly happy since my separation with my ex-husband and the many unstable relationships over the years.
Somehow I feel this is too good to be happening to a girl like me. I question if he is genuinely interested in me or could I be an easy target since I am divorced and perhaps lonely.
I want to know what he thinks, but I feel that it is too soon to ask or even talk about a relationship. It might really scare him off.
How can I really know? Are there subtle ways to find out?
-Wondering
Dear Wondering,
While I happen to enjoy a good beer (or several), getting hammered on a first date raises a yellow flag. Do you have to drink to have a good time? Does he? Do all your dates involve alcohol?
If so, it could signal a problem.
This comment of yours also concerns me:
"Somehow I feel this is too good to be happening to a girl like me. I question if he is genuinely interested in me or could I be an easy target since I am divorced and perhaps lonely."
Now, why is inconceivable that a good thing could happen to a girl like you? So, you're divorced with a kid. So are a lot of people. You're attractive and have a great job. A lot of people aren't and don't, and they still manage to attract men who will stand on their heads to be with them.
The guy seems to want to spend time with you. That's great! Okay, there's no shortage of jerks who will use women for their own purposes, but there's also no shortage of great guys who want to fall in love and spend their life with one special woman.
How do you figure out which category this new man falls into?
You take your time. You continue to focus on your job and your child and your friends and the books you like to read. You do not allow this new relationship to drag you out to sea. You make yourself available to get to know this man better, but you don't break plans with other people or let go of other responsibilities to do so.
You maintain a wait-and-see attitude. You tell yourself, "Maybe this is the right guy for me, and maybe he isn't." You let him show you. You listen to him when he speaks. You watch his eyes. You make sure that his words match up with his actions.
You're always kind, considerate, and charming, but at no point do you ask yourself, "What do I do to prove to this guy that I'm the right woman for him?"
Above all, always keep in mind that you are an attractive woman with plenty to offer. Make a list of your very best qualities and remind yourself that a man would be lucky to have you.
If you happen to possess any qualities that cause you to devalue yourself, today is the day to decide to replace them with better ones. Again, use a pen and paper and put your lesser qualities on paper. How can you turn them around?
In the meantime, if you find all the IMing distracting, limit it to once or twice a day. It's flattering to be contacted constantly by an attractive man, but it's not going to help you keep things in perspective.
This guy may turn out to be the man of your dreams, or he may not. Either way, know that you're an attractive, sought-after woman. The fact that you're divorced and have a child doesn't change that. Be open to the possibility that a man can and will love you just as you are.
You deserve that much.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
The Biggest Mistake of Her Life
Doesn't it kill you when you see someone flouncing into a bad situation with a smile on her face, and nobody can stop her?
A young, smart, ambitious, attractive undergrad we know has gotten engaged to a guy her age. In the plus column, he's good-looking and has a trust fund. In the minus column, he's prone to violence (and loves to brag that if "another guy even looks at my girlfriend, I'll rearrange his face!"). He doesn't go to school, doesn't have a job, and he usually sleeps until 2PM.
Did I mention he's good-looking and has a trust fund?
And while the young woman's mother is desperately trying to jam the breaks on this wedding locomotive, the guy's mother is hitting the gas. We suspect she figures that a goal-oriented wife (who's working toward a doctorate) will derail her son from the track he's riding to loserdom.
She has offered to buy the couple a house. She wants to pay for the wedding. She has taken the poor lamb she intends to sacrifice to her son to look for not one but two wedding dresses (the trend, she insists, is to buy one dress for the wedding and another to wear to the reception).
Red flags are flying all over the place.
But the impressionable young woman doesn't see them. I asked her worried mother why she's so eager to get married before she's had a chance to achieve her dreams. "She wants to be a grown-up. She's also caught up the fairy tale of being a princess for a day."
Unfortunately, the fairy tale doesn't even last a whole day. It really lasts about six hours. After that, this poor kid will be legally bound to an anger-prone sluggard whose mother has bought and sold her.
If she tries to keep things interesting by introducing a child into the equation, things will just get worse. If she can't get the guy out of bed to find a job, she's not going to get him to change diapers. The responsibilities of parenthood may squash her plans to earn a doctorate.
I wish women would stop buying into wedding industry propaganda and keep their eyes on bigger prizes:
1) Careers that pay handsomely and make use of their talents
2) Men who love them and take pride in their successes.
Women need to remember that realizing their ambitions is crucial to their physical, emotional, and mental health. Marrying the wrong man for the wrong reasons is the surest route to a lifetime of being depressed and powerless.
A young, smart, ambitious, attractive undergrad we know has gotten engaged to a guy her age. In the plus column, he's good-looking and has a trust fund. In the minus column, he's prone to violence (and loves to brag that if "another guy even looks at my girlfriend, I'll rearrange his face!"). He doesn't go to school, doesn't have a job, and he usually sleeps until 2PM.
Did I mention he's good-looking and has a trust fund?
And while the young woman's mother is desperately trying to jam the breaks on this wedding locomotive, the guy's mother is hitting the gas. We suspect she figures that a goal-oriented wife (who's working toward a doctorate) will derail her son from the track he's riding to loserdom.
She has offered to buy the couple a house. She wants to pay for the wedding. She has taken the poor lamb she intends to sacrifice to her son to look for not one but two wedding dresses (the trend, she insists, is to buy one dress for the wedding and another to wear to the reception).
Red flags are flying all over the place.
But the impressionable young woman doesn't see them. I asked her worried mother why she's so eager to get married before she's had a chance to achieve her dreams. "She wants to be a grown-up. She's also caught up the fairy tale of being a princess for a day."
Unfortunately, the fairy tale doesn't even last a whole day. It really lasts about six hours. After that, this poor kid will be legally bound to an anger-prone sluggard whose mother has bought and sold her.
If she tries to keep things interesting by introducing a child into the equation, things will just get worse. If she can't get the guy out of bed to find a job, she's not going to get him to change diapers. The responsibilities of parenthood may squash her plans to earn a doctorate.
I wish women would stop buying into wedding industry propaganda and keep their eyes on bigger prizes:
1) Careers that pay handsomely and make use of their talents
2) Men who love them and take pride in their successes.
Women need to remember that realizing their ambitions is crucial to their physical, emotional, and mental health. Marrying the wrong man for the wrong reasons is the surest route to a lifetime of being depressed and powerless.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Does Father Trouble Always Lead to Man Trouble?
Dear Terry,
While reading the post about the Catholic priest who offered dating advice, I thought of my ex husband, my father, and my now boyfriend, and then I thought about myself. Then I wished that someone would have had this talk with me when I was in high school. It has very good points.
1.My ex-husband was a fibber, secretive and a control freak.
2.My father is an abusive man. This may be the very reason why I live in California and my family stays in Michigan. He has fits of rage, is a control freak, envious, hurtful male chauvinist. I am a computer analyst, and he still thinks I am unable of understand the mechanics of society.
3.My boyfriend is a kind, patient, sometimes forgetful, but always sweet man.
I am a survivor of my father abuse, and even though I would have to say that I will be respectful of him as my father.
Does this limit my chances of having a normal married life?
I failed once before, but in my defense I was in the military and we were very young and wanted to stay together. His father warned me about his bad ways and I choose to ignore them. Just a horrible situation.
I know my parents were very questionable as parents. Luckily for them, I was a hearty and headstrong child or otherwise because of poor parenting I might've ended up dead. Like left to survive in the aisles of Kmart. I also know that even that my dad was never dad of the year he had tried the best he was capable of and his opinion about my success has no effect of who I really I am.
So what if you had shite parents? But you ended up a good person and pretty normal? And if you had made a mistake in the past, but now have figured out what went wrong and you are trying to make your life better? Does this mean that you will be capable of having a loving and meaningful marriage or are you instantly ex'ed out because of abuse?
Love your blog.
~M.
Hi, M.-
Thanks for writing and for the kind comments.
I truly believe that you can enjoy a healthy marriage, even if you did have "shite parents," as you say. (Love that!) The fact that you seem happy with your current boyfriend indicates you're definitely making progress toward better circumstances.
As you know, I'm no psychologist, but it stands to reason that if the people who brought you into the world, the people God entrusted to love, guide, and encourage you failed on some front, you could go through life attracting similarly disappointing relationships.
Until you make a conscious effort to do otherwise.
You realize your father's limitations, and you still respect him because he's your father, and that says a lot about you. You're willing to move on and forgive. Another person would be grousing about how life sucks, and then you die, and how all men are the same. But not you.
The fact that you know exactly what you don't like about your father and some of the other men in your life means you can figure out what you do like in men and attract it. It helps to write a list and mentally put yourself in that relationship. If you visualize and conjure the feeling of being beloved and keep it with you, you will be amazed how it will eventually take shape in your real life.
It also helps to list what you disliked about your parents' relationship and about the marriages of other people you know. Then "put yourself" in a relationship with the opposite qualities. The trick here is to feel yourself in that relationship. Bring it to life with your emotions.
It's key to love yourself, as well, and you can do this through the consistent use of affirmations:
"I, M., deeply and completely love and accept myself."
Louise Hay, who has helped thousands of people turn their lives around through the power of self-love, recommends you use a similar affirmation about 25 times a day.
Saying it out loud while looking at yourself in a mirror is especially powerful. It will feel weird, silly, and embarrassing at first, but how many times do you look in the mirror and tell yourself you hate your hair or some feature of your face? Why do we consider that perfectly normal behavior?
Some people will scoff and dismiss visualization and affirmation as hocus-pocus, but they tend to be the same people who've never tried it (or who've tried it once or twice and then forgotten about it).
Let me repeat: I definitely believe that you're capable of enjoying a happy and healthy marriage. What's more, you deserve it.
While reading the post about the Catholic priest who offered dating advice, I thought of my ex husband, my father, and my now boyfriend, and then I thought about myself. Then I wished that someone would have had this talk with me when I was in high school. It has very good points.
1.My ex-husband was a fibber, secretive and a control freak.
2.My father is an abusive man. This may be the very reason why I live in California and my family stays in Michigan. He has fits of rage, is a control freak, envious, hurtful male chauvinist. I am a computer analyst, and he still thinks I am unable of understand the mechanics of society.
3.My boyfriend is a kind, patient, sometimes forgetful, but always sweet man.
I am a survivor of my father abuse, and even though I would have to say that I will be respectful of him as my father.
Does this limit my chances of having a normal married life?
I failed once before, but in my defense I was in the military and we were very young and wanted to stay together. His father warned me about his bad ways and I choose to ignore them. Just a horrible situation.
I know my parents were very questionable as parents. Luckily for them, I was a hearty and headstrong child or otherwise because of poor parenting I might've ended up dead. Like left to survive in the aisles of Kmart. I also know that even that my dad was never dad of the year he had tried the best he was capable of and his opinion about my success has no effect of who I really I am.
So what if you had shite parents? But you ended up a good person and pretty normal? And if you had made a mistake in the past, but now have figured out what went wrong and you are trying to make your life better? Does this mean that you will be capable of having a loving and meaningful marriage or are you instantly ex'ed out because of abuse?
Love your blog.
~M.
Hi, M.-
Thanks for writing and for the kind comments.
I truly believe that you can enjoy a healthy marriage, even if you did have "shite parents," as you say. (Love that!) The fact that you seem happy with your current boyfriend indicates you're definitely making progress toward better circumstances.
As you know, I'm no psychologist, but it stands to reason that if the people who brought you into the world, the people God entrusted to love, guide, and encourage you failed on some front, you could go through life attracting similarly disappointing relationships.
Until you make a conscious effort to do otherwise.
You realize your father's limitations, and you still respect him because he's your father, and that says a lot about you. You're willing to move on and forgive. Another person would be grousing about how life sucks, and then you die, and how all men are the same. But not you.
The fact that you know exactly what you don't like about your father and some of the other men in your life means you can figure out what you do like in men and attract it. It helps to write a list and mentally put yourself in that relationship. If you visualize and conjure the feeling of being beloved and keep it with you, you will be amazed how it will eventually take shape in your real life.
It also helps to list what you disliked about your parents' relationship and about the marriages of other people you know. Then "put yourself" in a relationship with the opposite qualities. The trick here is to feel yourself in that relationship. Bring it to life with your emotions.
It's key to love yourself, as well, and you can do this through the consistent use of affirmations:
"I, M., deeply and completely love and accept myself."
Louise Hay, who has helped thousands of people turn their lives around through the power of self-love, recommends you use a similar affirmation about 25 times a day.
Saying it out loud while looking at yourself in a mirror is especially powerful. It will feel weird, silly, and embarrassing at first, but how many times do you look in the mirror and tell yourself you hate your hair or some feature of your face? Why do we consider that perfectly normal behavior?
Some people will scoff and dismiss visualization and affirmation as hocus-pocus, but they tend to be the same people who've never tried it (or who've tried it once or twice and then forgotten about it).
Let me repeat: I definitely believe that you're capable of enjoying a happy and healthy marriage. What's more, you deserve it.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
He Won't Marry Her, and She's Embarrassed
Dear Terry:
Thanks for your recent [email] articles about ultimatums and commitment. I have a special situation. I'm almost 30 and have been with a guy I'm crazy about for 2 1/2 years. We spend most of our free time together, our families like each other, etc.
My problem is, he says he's not ready to get married. He's 32, has a good job, nice apartment, and so on. His refusal to move our relationship to the next level can be embarrassing. We went to his cousin's wedding last year, and one of his other cousins blurted out (while taking a photo), "And there's S (me), still trying to get a ring out of J (my boyfriend)"
I was humiliated beyond belief.
My boyfriend's mother loves me, has shown me jewelry she'll pass on to me one day. She says she knows her boy, and that I should be patient. She knows he'll come around.
But I'm tired of waiting. And next year, we'll be going to three weddings, my cousin's, his friendfrom college, and --worst of all--his younger sister's.
Everytime I think of going to his sister's wedding and being looked over by his relatives, I want to cry. She didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, so I won't even be in the family photos even though I've been on vacation with the family, and I've spent every Christmas and Easter with them.
Believe it or not, I am intelligent and have a job I love.
Any advice?
-S.
Dear S.-
First off, I can tell that you're intelligent by the way you've described the situation. Second, thank goodness you have a job you love because it's actually going to help you here.
Right now, I imagine you're walking around with a pain in your chest and stomach, especially when you think about your boyfriend's sister's wedding. You might feel that your future-- YOUR LIFE--is in the hands of another person who is unwilling to give you what you want.
You feel bad, so I'm going to ask you: What would make you feel good?
-Feeling in control?
-Feeling at peace?
-Feeling loved by a man who is free and ready to love
you without excuses or limitations?
How would that feel? How would it feel in your chest and in your stomach? Warm? Light? Cheerful?
Please write down the emotions you'd feel if you were in this new situation. Imagine the arms of a man (a generic man, not your current man) you love around your waist. "Feel" yourself dancing with him.
I'm going to ask you to bring this scene to life in your imagination before you get out of bed in the morning and after you put your head on the pillow at night. THIS IS IMPORTANT.
You are employing the law of attraction here, and it's powerful. The goal is to attract a man who loves you, whom you love, and is clear about his desire for a lasting relationship. (Whether this man will turn out to be your current boyfriend remains to be seen.)
Now, as far as your boyfriend's family is concerned, if you've expressed any frustration over the fact that he's not ready to get married, this is the time to stop. If anybody else brings it up, casually change the subject.
It's great that his mother likes you so much, but she says you should "be patient." Here's the truth, though: She's afraid you'll move on and her her son will lose you.
But in the end, whether he gets married is his decision, not hers. And whether you stick around is your decision.
(There's no law that says that because you have developed a relationship with a guy's family that you have to hang around until he's good and ready to put a ring on your finger.)
You do have a job you love, so I strongly suggest that you direct your attention there, to the job itself and to the people you've met through it.
Make a promotion your goal. Work a couple of extra hours when you can. Go out with your work friends for dinner or drinks. Make yourself more available for your job and less available your boyfriend.
The key here is not to be spiteful about it. Just go about your business. Be open to new experiences and opportunities.
Your current boyfriend may indeed be the man for you, or he may not. But you do need to stop insisting that he is because it's making you terribly unhappy.
It is certainly not in your best interests.
If you go to the current guy's sister's wedding and somebody makes an ignorant comment about you "trying to get a ring out of" your boyfriend, smile nicely and say, "I'm happy for [the sister and her husband], but neither of us wants to get married yet."
Which would be true. (Because why would you want to marry some guy you have to talk into marrying you?)
Keep visualizing, "feeling" that loving situation with a man who can't help but love you. THAT MAN WILL EVENUTALLY SHOW UP. Again, whether he is the man you're dating now remains to be seen.
Thanks for your recent [email] articles about ultimatums and commitment. I have a special situation. I'm almost 30 and have been with a guy I'm crazy about for 2 1/2 years. We spend most of our free time together, our families like each other, etc.
My problem is, he says he's not ready to get married. He's 32, has a good job, nice apartment, and so on. His refusal to move our relationship to the next level can be embarrassing. We went to his cousin's wedding last year, and one of his other cousins blurted out (while taking a photo), "And there's S (me), still trying to get a ring out of J (my boyfriend)"
I was humiliated beyond belief.
My boyfriend's mother loves me, has shown me jewelry she'll pass on to me one day. She says she knows her boy, and that I should be patient. She knows he'll come around.
But I'm tired of waiting. And next year, we'll be going to three weddings, my cousin's, his friendfrom college, and --worst of all--his younger sister's.
Everytime I think of going to his sister's wedding and being looked over by his relatives, I want to cry. She didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, so I won't even be in the family photos even though I've been on vacation with the family, and I've spent every Christmas and Easter with them.
Believe it or not, I am intelligent and have a job I love.
Any advice?
-S.
Dear S.-
First off, I can tell that you're intelligent by the way you've described the situation. Second, thank goodness you have a job you love because it's actually going to help you here.
Right now, I imagine you're walking around with a pain in your chest and stomach, especially when you think about your boyfriend's sister's wedding. You might feel that your future-- YOUR LIFE--is in the hands of another person who is unwilling to give you what you want.
You feel bad, so I'm going to ask you: What would make you feel good?
-Feeling in control?
-Feeling at peace?
-Feeling loved by a man who is free and ready to love
you without excuses or limitations?
How would that feel? How would it feel in your chest and in your stomach? Warm? Light? Cheerful?
Please write down the emotions you'd feel if you were in this new situation. Imagine the arms of a man (a generic man, not your current man) you love around your waist. "Feel" yourself dancing with him.
I'm going to ask you to bring this scene to life in your imagination before you get out of bed in the morning and after you put your head on the pillow at night. THIS IS IMPORTANT.
You are employing the law of attraction here, and it's powerful. The goal is to attract a man who loves you, whom you love, and is clear about his desire for a lasting relationship. (Whether this man will turn out to be your current boyfriend remains to be seen.)
Now, as far as your boyfriend's family is concerned, if you've expressed any frustration over the fact that he's not ready to get married, this is the time to stop. If anybody else brings it up, casually change the subject.
It's great that his mother likes you so much, but she says you should "be patient." Here's the truth, though: She's afraid you'll move on and her her son will lose you.
But in the end, whether he gets married is his decision, not hers. And whether you stick around is your decision.
(There's no law that says that because you have developed a relationship with a guy's family that you have to hang around until he's good and ready to put a ring on your finger.)
You do have a job you love, so I strongly suggest that you direct your attention there, to the job itself and to the people you've met through it.
Make a promotion your goal. Work a couple of extra hours when you can. Go out with your work friends for dinner or drinks. Make yourself more available for your job and less available your boyfriend.
The key here is not to be spiteful about it. Just go about your business. Be open to new experiences and opportunities.
Your current boyfriend may indeed be the man for you, or he may not. But you do need to stop insisting that he is because it's making you terribly unhappy.
It is certainly not in your best interests.
If you go to the current guy's sister's wedding and somebody makes an ignorant comment about you "trying to get a ring out of" your boyfriend, smile nicely and say, "I'm happy for [the sister and her husband], but neither of us wants to get married yet."
Which would be true. (Because why would you want to marry some guy you have to talk into marrying you?)
Keep visualizing, "feeling" that loving situation with a man who can't help but love you. THAT MAN WILL EVENUTALLY SHOW UP. Again, whether he is the man you're dating now remains to be seen.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Back on Break
Still busy getting things together, although I'm completely out of my depth. Hope to be back in action soon.
At the supermarket checkout today, I saw a couple cover blurbs that really peeved me on the current issue of a so-called women's magazine. No wonder a lot of females are insecure about themselves, their looks, their ability to be loved.
The media program us to be. Then they sell us loads of products to aid us in our desperate attempts to fix ourselves.
At the supermarket checkout today, I saw a couple cover blurbs that really peeved me on the current issue of a so-called women's magazine. No wonder a lot of females are insecure about themselves, their looks, their ability to be loved.
The media program us to be. Then they sell us loads of products to aid us in our desperate attempts to fix ourselves.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Dating a Married Man (From a Woman Who Knows)
Here's a response to last week's post, Loving a Married Man, from a reader who's been there. I think a lot of women get involved with married men to avoid having to deal with a man's less attractive features on a full-time basis, as she mentions in the third paragraph.
Wow...you hit the nail on the head with this article.
I was the other woman for 2.5 yrs. Yes, he told me he loved me like no other, and he had many. I knew about the others as he was proud of the fact that he had cheated many times over the last 25 years to his wife. The convenience woman, and of course HER kids wouldn't love him if he wasn't married to their MOM. He raised them, put them both through college and they were the "perfect" family. He told me that she had cancer and was dying, and she couldn't tell her grown children. It was their secret. He couldn't toss her to the side of the road, just because she was sick. (This woman had a very high paying job and worked more than any 5 people I know. She was no more dying than I am.)
I couldn't tell you really why I stayed. Maybe it was the possibility that he would leave her, maybe it was because I didn't have to listen to the farts at night, wake up with the banshee hair and bad breath. I didn't have to tolerate his bad habits.
Yes, I stayed knowing everything about him. Or what I thought was everything.
I do believe he loved me .. the best he could. It had a pay off for me. I could
con't to believe all the BS my ex had told me for so long that I wasn't worth it.
I wasn't smart. I was nothing.
I am not sorry for being the other woman... every experience helps us to grow.
I told him finally that he had to choose for once and for all. I transferred out of
state and I told him he had to decide. He stayed in Chicago .. I stayed here in CA. He kept in contact with me daily for the first year. Yes, I answered.. I had hope that he would MISS me soooo much and did love me the most.... but at
the end... She won. He had his roots with her and her grown children. He also
loved her money more than me.
He was 12 yrs older than me, 60 and aging quickly. His final excuse was that she was dying of cancer. (despite the fact she worked everyday .. long hours away from him) .. and that I would be sorry if we were together as he aged more.
It took a long time to get over this... It has been over a year since our last ugly conversation. At times, I do think of him... I haven't been able to delete his notes or pictures off my desktop (which I don't use) .. but that will come in time.
He taught me more about myself .. I could love.. I was capable of giving and receiving love from a man. I finally figured out exactly the type of man that I desire in my life and won't settle. Yes, I learned my lesson on the married man. The Universe has tested me again.. and I passed. NOT going back there again.
Thanks for your emails and great suggestions. Keep them coming.
-Diane
P.S. Don't misunderstand me. It wasn't easy to get over him, or that I thought it was okay to be in the relationship. I fooled myself and found all kinds of ways to justify it.
Live and learn ... I learned big time.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Diane.
Wow...you hit the nail on the head with this article.
I was the other woman for 2.5 yrs. Yes, he told me he loved me like no other, and he had many. I knew about the others as he was proud of the fact that he had cheated many times over the last 25 years to his wife. The convenience woman, and of course HER kids wouldn't love him if he wasn't married to their MOM. He raised them, put them both through college and they were the "perfect" family. He told me that she had cancer and was dying, and she couldn't tell her grown children. It was their secret. He couldn't toss her to the side of the road, just because she was sick. (This woman had a very high paying job and worked more than any 5 people I know. She was no more dying than I am.)
I couldn't tell you really why I stayed. Maybe it was the possibility that he would leave her, maybe it was because I didn't have to listen to the farts at night, wake up with the banshee hair and bad breath. I didn't have to tolerate his bad habits.
Yes, I stayed knowing everything about him. Or what I thought was everything.
I do believe he loved me .. the best he could. It had a pay off for me. I could
con't to believe all the BS my ex had told me for so long that I wasn't worth it.
I wasn't smart. I was nothing.
I am not sorry for being the other woman... every experience helps us to grow.
I told him finally that he had to choose for once and for all. I transferred out of
state and I told him he had to decide. He stayed in Chicago .. I stayed here in CA. He kept in contact with me daily for the first year. Yes, I answered.. I had hope that he would MISS me soooo much and did love me the most.... but at
the end... She won. He had his roots with her and her grown children. He also
loved her money more than me.
He was 12 yrs older than me, 60 and aging quickly. His final excuse was that she was dying of cancer. (despite the fact she worked everyday .. long hours away from him) .. and that I would be sorry if we were together as he aged more.
It took a long time to get over this... It has been over a year since our last ugly conversation. At times, I do think of him... I haven't been able to delete his notes or pictures off my desktop (which I don't use) .. but that will come in time.
He taught me more about myself .. I could love.. I was capable of giving and receiving love from a man. I finally figured out exactly the type of man that I desire in my life and won't settle. Yes, I learned my lesson on the married man. The Universe has tested me again.. and I passed. NOT going back there again.
Thanks for your emails and great suggestions. Keep them coming.
-Diane
P.S. Don't misunderstand me. It wasn't easy to get over him, or that I thought it was okay to be in the relationship. I fooled myself and found all kinds of ways to justify it.
Live and learn ... I learned big time.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Diane.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Choosing a Man to Marry
Good advice from a Catholic priest, of all people, on this morning's Today. To read the article by Maureen Dowd in Sunday's New York Times that spawned the piece, click here.
I certainly don't agree that this man's wisdom "eliminates everybody."
I certainly don't agree that this man's wisdom "eliminates everybody."
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Loving a Married Man
I just dropped one kid off at camp, and the other one and my aunt are still sleeping. I received the following letter, and despite yesterday's post, I felt compelled to respond:
Dear Terry,
I am recently going through divorce and the divorce hearing is next
week.
Before I got separated from my ex husband, I was seeing a colleague in my office. It's been two years now. Yes, I have been seeing a married man for two years now.
He has indicated from day one when we met that he had no intention to leave his "wife;" he says his wife will not be able to handle the "blow" of the breakdown. He says between them there islittle physical connection. They don't have sex, and the relationship is one of convenience and companionship.
We share a lot about our work, lives and interest. We have so much in common.
He has been very attentive to me more so lately than the last year. He took me on a trip and bought me some really expensive gifts... I am beginning to feel he really loves me, and he says he does many times recently.
Both he and his wife are in their 40s, and they don't have children. They are recently turning to IVF to have a baby.. he says he just wants to keep her busy and occupied so she is less reliant on him.. he says that with or without a child my relationship with him doesn't change.
Obviously all my activities, holidays and time spent with him are under wraps, and he takes his wife to the formal parties and invitations where they are invited as a couple, and I often feel terrible. He is leaving on a 10 day vacation with his wife on a hiking holiday in Italy and he says that he has to play an obligatory duty to her since she does not work.
I hear his wife is beginning to suspect that "he" is having and affair, which he denies.
I have tried breaking up with him many times, but everytime he comes back, and I don't have the heart to let go, especially since i am just out of a marriage. looking for someone to fill the gaps..
I don't like being the other woman.
confused...
Dear Confused-
My head is percolating with so many points, I wonder if I'll be able to remember them all.
You don't like being the other woman, but you are the other woman. You have chosen to conduct a relationship with another woman's husband.
In your mind, what's the best thing that come out of this situation for you? That he leave his wife? If he does leave her for you, you do realize that you'll have "won" a man who lies and cheats.
This is not a recipe for anybody's happily ever after.
Yes, I understand that you are going through a divorce right now, and my heart goes out to you. Divorce is stressful, painful, and gut-wrenching (one of my closest friends is going to divorce court this very morning. The process is hard enough to watch; can only imagine what it feels like).
I sympathize with your desire to "fill the gap." We all need love and attention, especially when we're going through an extremely stressful ordeal.
But I beseech you to forget this man. "Fill the gap" by developing self-love, self-regard, and self-esteem. Don't laugh. The way you're feeling right now, you may think I'm blowing smoke, but your whole life (the men you attract, the jobs, the houses, the clothes, the friends) will change once you devote yourself to the care and feeding of the most important person in your life: You.
(I couldn't help but notice that, in your letter, you didn't capitalize the pronoun, "I," which I changed, and you did not capitalize "Confused" in your signature, which I did not change. This, to my mind, indicates a self-esteem issue.)
I heartily suggest you get hold of You Can Heal Your Life, the groundbreaking book by Louise Hay. It will help you more than I can say. I also recommend her audio CD, Self-Esteem Affirmations, which you can listen to as you fall asleep at night.
You're going through a tough time now, and things are not going to get better until you take care of yourself. A relationship with a married man will only make things much, much worse.
Please be open to the possibility that you can be happy without a man (because, really, have the men you've been with lately made you happy?). Please be open to the possibility that you can make yourself capable of a having a relationship with a man who does not make you work for his affection or ever cause you to question it.
It must be difficult running into the married man at work every day. Would you consider looking for another job to stay away from him?
In the meantime, picture yourself five years from now:
-Still hung up on this married man, who now has a four-year-old kid, is still married and taking trips with the family and parceling attention your way only when it suits him.
-Married to the married man, who has left his wife but sees her every now and then out of "obligation." He also has another girlfriend somewhere. He tells her the girlfriend he's only married to you for convenience and companionship, and he feels obligated to you and needs to keep you occupied (this guy's a real prince, by the way).
-Happily making strides in your career, feeling good about yourself, in a relationship with an honest, loyal, loving, reliable, fun man who loves you and never lets you forget it.
Life is a series of choices. What choices will you make?
Dear Terry,
I am recently going through divorce and the divorce hearing is next
week.
Before I got separated from my ex husband, I was seeing a colleague in my office. It's been two years now. Yes, I have been seeing a married man for two years now.
He has indicated from day one when we met that he had no intention to leave his "wife;" he says his wife will not be able to handle the "blow" of the breakdown. He says between them there islittle physical connection. They don't have sex, and the relationship is one of convenience and companionship.
We share a lot about our work, lives and interest. We have so much in common.
He has been very attentive to me more so lately than the last year. He took me on a trip and bought me some really expensive gifts... I am beginning to feel he really loves me, and he says he does many times recently.
Both he and his wife are in their 40s, and they don't have children. They are recently turning to IVF to have a baby.. he says he just wants to keep her busy and occupied so she is less reliant on him.. he says that with or without a child my relationship with him doesn't change.
Obviously all my activities, holidays and time spent with him are under wraps, and he takes his wife to the formal parties and invitations where they are invited as a couple, and I often feel terrible. He is leaving on a 10 day vacation with his wife on a hiking holiday in Italy and he says that he has to play an obligatory duty to her since she does not work.
I hear his wife is beginning to suspect that "he" is having and affair, which he denies.
I have tried breaking up with him many times, but everytime he comes back, and I don't have the heart to let go, especially since i am just out of a marriage. looking for someone to fill the gaps..
I don't like being the other woman.
confused...
Dear Confused-
My head is percolating with so many points, I wonder if I'll be able to remember them all.
You don't like being the other woman, but you are the other woman. You have chosen to conduct a relationship with another woman's husband.
In your mind, what's the best thing that come out of this situation for you? That he leave his wife? If he does leave her for you, you do realize that you'll have "won" a man who lies and cheats.
This is not a recipe for anybody's happily ever after.
Yes, I understand that you are going through a divorce right now, and my heart goes out to you. Divorce is stressful, painful, and gut-wrenching (one of my closest friends is going to divorce court this very morning. The process is hard enough to watch; can only imagine what it feels like).
I sympathize with your desire to "fill the gap." We all need love and attention, especially when we're going through an extremely stressful ordeal.
But I beseech you to forget this man. "Fill the gap" by developing self-love, self-regard, and self-esteem. Don't laugh. The way you're feeling right now, you may think I'm blowing smoke, but your whole life (the men you attract, the jobs, the houses, the clothes, the friends) will change once you devote yourself to the care and feeding of the most important person in your life: You.
(I couldn't help but notice that, in your letter, you didn't capitalize the pronoun, "I," which I changed, and you did not capitalize "Confused" in your signature, which I did not change. This, to my mind, indicates a self-esteem issue.)
I heartily suggest you get hold of You Can Heal Your Life, the groundbreaking book by Louise Hay. It will help you more than I can say. I also recommend her audio CD, Self-Esteem Affirmations, which you can listen to as you fall asleep at night.
You're going through a tough time now, and things are not going to get better until you take care of yourself. A relationship with a married man will only make things much, much worse.
Please be open to the possibility that you can be happy without a man (because, really, have the men you've been with lately made you happy?). Please be open to the possibility that you can make yourself capable of a having a relationship with a man who does not make you work for his affection or ever cause you to question it.
It must be difficult running into the married man at work every day. Would you consider looking for another job to stay away from him?
In the meantime, picture yourself five years from now:
-Still hung up on this married man, who now has a four-year-old kid, is still married and taking trips with the family and parceling attention your way only when it suits him.
-Married to the married man, who has left his wife but sees her every now and then out of "obligation." He also has another girlfriend somewhere. He tells her the girlfriend he's only married to you for convenience and companionship, and he feels obligated to you and needs to keep you occupied (this guy's a real prince, by the way).
-Happily making strides in your career, feeling good about yourself, in a relationship with an honest, loyal, loving, reliable, fun man who loves you and never lets you forget it.
Life is a series of choices. What choices will you make?
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Taking a Wee Break
My aunt is failing and has come to stay with me for a few days. She's not sure if she wants to go into assisted living here or near her house in another state (actually, she wants to stay in her own home and be left alone, even though she doesn't like to be left alone).
Things are chaotic around here and will probably remain so for the time being. Wish us luck.
Things are chaotic around here and will probably remain so for the time being. Wish us luck.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Treat Him Like a Loaded Pistol
Hi, Terry-
Your advice is needed once again...
I wrote to you earlier when I was in a messy relationship with an older guy (whom I described then as a player). I have kept to myself, not called him, and am feeling terrible. I know it will take time to heal.
My problem is that he is very good at mind games. He knows where I live, so he somehow just manages to park his car on one of the roads that is on my route home...too often. I "bump" into him at least three times a week. He knows the coffee shops that I enjoy sitting at, so he just happens to be there when I am there. I moved to another hospital and for whatever reason he seems to just be there too, even though he works somewhere else. I went on a date the other day and we bumped into him. He tried to kiss me on the mouth and it took some maneuvering for the kiss to land somewhere on my cheek. It was either that or a scene.
When we do talk he makes it seem as if we are the best of friends. I am having a hard time behaving naturally around him. What I really want to do is scream at him.
I do not quite get this. He pulled the rug from under me, I did not dump him. It is almost as if he wants to keep me thinking of him and yet he does not really want to be with me.
He is playing me. How do I play him back?
Thanks again for the newsletters, extremely helpful and insightful.
-G.
Dear G.-
His behavior definitely scares me. He has interpreted the fact that you're moving on as a rejection (even though he pulled the rug out from under you), and I don't think it's overreacting to say he's stalking you. You mentioned he tried to kiss you on the mouth, and you had to work to avoid it without causing a scene. This raises a serious red flag.
I don't know this man, so I don't know if he has a history of violence, but it concerns me that he keeps throwing himself in your path (this business of him showing up at your job is particularly worrisome). I sympathize with your desire to scream at him, but I don't think it would be the best course of action. You've already rocked his world by withdrawing your attention (as best you can, given the circumstances). If you were to scream at him, especially publicly, you might shatter his warped ego, and who knows what he'd do.
I don't want to worry you (and, as you know, I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist), but I do want you to be safe. When he makes an appearance, it'll be tricky, but look happy to see him. Be pleasant. If he pretends to be your best friend, pretend to be his. And then safely move on.
If he pulls his garbage while you're on a date, manage to tell the date, "I'm sorry. I'll explain later." Tell him later on that you once went out with this guy, and at one point you actually cared for him, but things have gotten very strange. Don't blow your whole evening discussing your former relationship, but do let the new guy know that you've moved on.
If the player persists in popping up, contact the police and tell them what you've told me. In the meantime, avoid being alone with him at all costs. Take populated streets.
I'm not really equipped to tell you what to do when he forces a kiss on you (which qualifies as assault) in public, especially since you fear some sort of outburst if you protest. From what you said about avoiding a scene, I don't know that a straightforward approach would work (as in, "You know, I really cared about you, but it's over now. Don't kiss me.")
If any readers have experience with this kind of situation, I would really like to hear from them. Please leave a comment. I've asked my husband's opinion, and he doesn't like the sound of any of this.
Nobody should have to deal with this nonsense, G. I hope I've been able to offer some help.
-Terry
Your advice is needed once again...
I wrote to you earlier when I was in a messy relationship with an older guy (whom I described then as a player). I have kept to myself, not called him, and am feeling terrible. I know it will take time to heal.
My problem is that he is very good at mind games. He knows where I live, so he somehow just manages to park his car on one of the roads that is on my route home...too often. I "bump" into him at least three times a week. He knows the coffee shops that I enjoy sitting at, so he just happens to be there when I am there. I moved to another hospital and for whatever reason he seems to just be there too, even though he works somewhere else. I went on a date the other day and we bumped into him. He tried to kiss me on the mouth and it took some maneuvering for the kiss to land somewhere on my cheek. It was either that or a scene.
When we do talk he makes it seem as if we are the best of friends. I am having a hard time behaving naturally around him. What I really want to do is scream at him.
I do not quite get this. He pulled the rug from under me, I did not dump him. It is almost as if he wants to keep me thinking of him and yet he does not really want to be with me.
He is playing me. How do I play him back?
Thanks again for the newsletters, extremely helpful and insightful.
-G.
Dear G.-
His behavior definitely scares me. He has interpreted the fact that you're moving on as a rejection (even though he pulled the rug out from under you), and I don't think it's overreacting to say he's stalking you. You mentioned he tried to kiss you on the mouth, and you had to work to avoid it without causing a scene. This raises a serious red flag.
I don't know this man, so I don't know if he has a history of violence, but it concerns me that he keeps throwing himself in your path (this business of him showing up at your job is particularly worrisome). I sympathize with your desire to scream at him, but I don't think it would be the best course of action. You've already rocked his world by withdrawing your attention (as best you can, given the circumstances). If you were to scream at him, especially publicly, you might shatter his warped ego, and who knows what he'd do.
I don't want to worry you (and, as you know, I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist), but I do want you to be safe. When he makes an appearance, it'll be tricky, but look happy to see him. Be pleasant. If he pretends to be your best friend, pretend to be his. And then safely move on.
If he pulls his garbage while you're on a date, manage to tell the date, "I'm sorry. I'll explain later." Tell him later on that you once went out with this guy, and at one point you actually cared for him, but things have gotten very strange. Don't blow your whole evening discussing your former relationship, but do let the new guy know that you've moved on.
If the player persists in popping up, contact the police and tell them what you've told me. In the meantime, avoid being alone with him at all costs. Take populated streets.
I'm not really equipped to tell you what to do when he forces a kiss on you (which qualifies as assault) in public, especially since you fear some sort of outburst if you protest. From what you said about avoiding a scene, I don't know that a straightforward approach would work (as in, "You know, I really cared about you, but it's over now. Don't kiss me.")
If any readers have experience with this kind of situation, I would really like to hear from them. Please leave a comment. I've asked my husband's opinion, and he doesn't like the sound of any of this.
Nobody should have to deal with this nonsense, G. I hope I've been able to offer some help.
-Terry
Friday, July 04, 2008
John Adams, It's the Fourth of July!
I heard such good things about the John Adams miniseries starring Paul Giammati and Laura Linney that I put it on my Netflix queue a couple of weeks ago. The series was based on the biography of Adams by David McCullough. I've had a copy in my bookcase since around 2002, but I never read it.
I decided to push the series to the bottom of my queue until I read the book, which is what I've been doing all week. So far I can tell you one thing: John Adams was no Peter Cook.
Later today, Peter (not Cook) and I and the girls are headed to my brother's fiancee's house for a barbecue. The weather isn't great, but that's never stopped us from having a good time before.
If you're in the US, enjoy Independence Day (and if you're not, enjoy the Fourth of July. It only comes once a year)!
I decided to push the series to the bottom of my queue until I read the book, which is what I've been doing all week. So far I can tell you one thing: John Adams was no Peter Cook.
Later today, Peter (not Cook) and I and the girls are headed to my brother's fiancee's house for a barbecue. The weather isn't great, but that's never stopped us from having a good time before.
If you're in the US, enjoy Independence Day (and if you're not, enjoy the Fourth of July. It only comes once a year)!
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Every Woman's Worst Nightmare
The Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce trial is in full swing, blowing minds from coast to coast. I've read tons of criticism about Christie being married four times, but nobody deserves to find out her husband has been living a double life.
The poor woman is living a Lifetime movie.
The scary thing is, many other women will follow this story and conclude that the revelations about Peter (which I have no desire to detail) represent typical male behavior: Men are born to stray.
Some women will tell themselves, "Well, it's okay that my boyfriend said I'm stupid. At least he's not Peter Cook,' or "Well, it's normal that he cheats. If Christie Brinkley can't keep a man faithful, I certainly can't."
It's important to keep in mind those men who didn't and don't cheat, men who love and remain devoted to their wives and girlfriends. I'm thinking about my father, my brother, and my good friend, M, who drove from New York to Pennsylvania to be with his wife on weekends while she studied for her doctorate. I'm thinking of our friend, B, who was devastated to find out his girlfriend of some years was cheating on him. For him, cheating represented the ultimate betrayal. He broke up with the cheater and eventually married a woman who (we believe) shares his values.
So, please don't let this very sad Brinkley/Cook drama convince you to lower your expectations. Men are not all the same.
The poor woman is living a Lifetime movie.
The scary thing is, many other women will follow this story and conclude that the revelations about Peter (which I have no desire to detail) represent typical male behavior: Men are born to stray.
Some women will tell themselves, "Well, it's okay that my boyfriend said I'm stupid. At least he's not Peter Cook,' or "Well, it's normal that he cheats. If Christie Brinkley can't keep a man faithful, I certainly can't."
It's important to keep in mind those men who didn't and don't cheat, men who love and remain devoted to their wives and girlfriends. I'm thinking about my father, my brother, and my good friend, M, who drove from New York to Pennsylvania to be with his wife on weekends while she studied for her doctorate. I'm thinking of our friend, B, who was devastated to find out his girlfriend of some years was cheating on him. For him, cheating represented the ultimate betrayal. He broke up with the cheater and eventually married a woman who (we believe) shares his values.
So, please don't let this very sad Brinkley/Cook drama convince you to lower your expectations. Men are not all the same.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
You Meet All Kinds
If you've been with me for a while, you know I spend a fair amount of time in coffee houses.
There's a whole subculture of people (usually men) who inhabit them, tapping away at laptops. I've met some interesting people, including artists, writers, computer geeks, and students. The man I met today took the cake.
He's a marriage counselor and astrologer who wanted to get married. He'd been divorced and was determined to meet his perfect match. After a while, he went online and met a woman who lived in the area. During their conversation, he ran her astrology chart, and deduced that she was the woman for him.
"I'm going to marry you," he said during their first phone conversation, before he'd ever met her.
She agreed to meet him at a restaurant.
On his way in, he told the hostess, "I'm going to meet my future wife here, so please let her know where I'm sitting."
The woman showed up, they talked, and he proposed to her after an hour.
She actually said yes. He reports that they've been married for over a year, and they're very happy. I'd love to meet her and get her take on it.
I'm on the fence about astrology, so I'll save the lame joke about this being a marriage made in heaven. It's a great story, that's for sure. You may wonder how I-- a person who writes regularly about dating and marriage-- managed to extract it from a perfect stranger.
I didn't. I was setting up my laptop, and we made small talk. Then he told me how he met his wife.
The Law of Attraction strikes again.
There's a whole subculture of people (usually men) who inhabit them, tapping away at laptops. I've met some interesting people, including artists, writers, computer geeks, and students. The man I met today took the cake.
He's a marriage counselor and astrologer who wanted to get married. He'd been divorced and was determined to meet his perfect match. After a while, he went online and met a woman who lived in the area. During their conversation, he ran her astrology chart, and deduced that she was the woman for him.
"I'm going to marry you," he said during their first phone conversation, before he'd ever met her.
She agreed to meet him at a restaurant.
On his way in, he told the hostess, "I'm going to meet my future wife here, so please let her know where I'm sitting."
The woman showed up, they talked, and he proposed to her after an hour.
She actually said yes. He reports that they've been married for over a year, and they're very happy. I'd love to meet her and get her take on it.
I'm on the fence about astrology, so I'll save the lame joke about this being a marriage made in heaven. It's a great story, that's for sure. You may wonder how I-- a person who writes regularly about dating and marriage-- managed to extract it from a perfect stranger.
I didn't. I was setting up my laptop, and we made small talk. Then he told me how he met his wife.
The Law of Attraction strikes again.
Monday, June 30, 2008
She Changed Her Name--for This?
On Friday, the girls and I took my father and Peter out to dinner to celebrate Father's Day, which fell a couple of weeks ago. (You know how that goes: My father spent Father's Day with one of my siblings; Peter and I hung out with his brother and his family).
We went to our favorite American restaurant, where tables are covered with linen, and the dress code is casual but definitely neat. I was enjoying a glass of wine when a couple in their early 30s came in with 3-year-old twin girls. The girls were beautiful, long curly-haired things in bright white sandals and matching sundresses. The husband wore a polo shirt and crisp chinos.
The wife? Well, the wife had on a white t-shirt with a logo on it that made her look like a walking rectangle. She'd thrown her hair up into one of those heinous hinged clips.
She looked strikingly out of place next to her family.
If you gave her a second look, you could see she was a good-looking woman. Under the promotional tee, she had a decent figure. But she's about five years from showing up on one of those makeover shows, where women always confess they let themselves go in order to put their husbands and children first.
It's the EBM syndrome: Everybody But Me. It's hard to believe that it remains prevalent in the 21st Century, but I see these its victims everywhere, especially at church.
The result of ceaseless self-sacrifice rarely results in admiration. People say, "Wow. She looks like crap." And people treat people the way they treat themselves. When a woman says "Everybody but me," nobody's going to disagree with her.
Case in point: During the meal, this woman's husband said not one word to her. I did catch him bark a couple of syllables to one of the twins, but for the most part he kept to himself and shoveled food into his mouth (he's a passable dresser, but he has the table manners of a wolverine).
I had to wonder what this woman was thinking when she raided her bank account (or, worse, went into debt) to pay for her dream wedding to this guy. If she'd known she'd end up his ignored servant in a free t-shirt, would she have bothered?
Probably.
After a while, the twins got restless. The woman stopped eating and allowed them both to sit in her lap, so that her husband could continue his meal undisturbed.
I wanted to slap her.
We went to our favorite American restaurant, where tables are covered with linen, and the dress code is casual but definitely neat. I was enjoying a glass of wine when a couple in their early 30s came in with 3-year-old twin girls. The girls were beautiful, long curly-haired things in bright white sandals and matching sundresses. The husband wore a polo shirt and crisp chinos.
The wife? Well, the wife had on a white t-shirt with a logo on it that made her look like a walking rectangle. She'd thrown her hair up into one of those heinous hinged clips.
She looked strikingly out of place next to her family.
If you gave her a second look, you could see she was a good-looking woman. Under the promotional tee, she had a decent figure. But she's about five years from showing up on one of those makeover shows, where women always confess they let themselves go in order to put their husbands and children first.
It's the EBM syndrome: Everybody But Me. It's hard to believe that it remains prevalent in the 21st Century, but I see these its victims everywhere, especially at church.
The result of ceaseless self-sacrifice rarely results in admiration. People say, "Wow. She looks like crap." And people treat people the way they treat themselves. When a woman says "Everybody but me," nobody's going to disagree with her.
Case in point: During the meal, this woman's husband said not one word to her. I did catch him bark a couple of syllables to one of the twins, but for the most part he kept to himself and shoveled food into his mouth (he's a passable dresser, but he has the table manners of a wolverine).
I had to wonder what this woman was thinking when she raided her bank account (or, worse, went into debt) to pay for her dream wedding to this guy. If she'd known she'd end up his ignored servant in a free t-shirt, would she have bothered?
Probably.
After a while, the twins got restless. The woman stopped eating and allowed them both to sit in her lap, so that her husband could continue his meal undisturbed.
I wanted to slap her.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
The Difference Between Love and Self-Inflicted Torture
Hello, Terry-
I love this man. He said he loves me, but he's afraid of his family. We've had sex, but he never calls me or contacts me anymore.
I want him for a life partner. Please give me some ideas. I need him.
Thank you.
P.
Hello, P-
When you have sex with a man, sometimes a little voice tells you that you love him or need him because you had sex with him. You tell yourself you have to love him because you had sex with him, and if you don't love him, oh my gosh, you're a bad person! You buy into the myth that nice girls don't ever, ever sleep with people they don't know well enough to love.
Please give yourself a break.
It's also probable that the attention and affection you received from this person felt great. It might have been the most affection or attention you've gotten in a while, and let's face it, affection and attention can be addictive. You're human, and all humans thrive on affection and attention.
So you're infatuated with the man who provided it.
But is he worth it? Please take a deep breath and consider this carefully.
He doesn't call. He doesn't contact you. He gave you some lame song and dance about being afraid of his family, which makes him rather pathetic. Okay, he's obviously decent in the sack (or you wouldn't be hung up on him), but what else does he have to offer besides excuses and leaving you sad and lonely?
You say you want him for a life partner. Does this mean you want him to be the person you share the newspaper with on Sunday morning, the father of your children, the man who you can rely upon to take care of you if you get sick?
Does he really have the qualities the job requires?
My best advice is to forget this guy. If he comes around again, tell him that you've decided to hold out for a man who loves you, calls you, and never makes excuses.
Terry
I love this man. He said he loves me, but he's afraid of his family. We've had sex, but he never calls me or contacts me anymore.
I want him for a life partner. Please give me some ideas. I need him.
Thank you.
P.
Hello, P-
When you have sex with a man, sometimes a little voice tells you that you love him or need him because you had sex with him. You tell yourself you have to love him because you had sex with him, and if you don't love him, oh my gosh, you're a bad person! You buy into the myth that nice girls don't ever, ever sleep with people they don't know well enough to love.
Please give yourself a break.
It's also probable that the attention and affection you received from this person felt great. It might have been the most affection or attention you've gotten in a while, and let's face it, affection and attention can be addictive. You're human, and all humans thrive on affection and attention.
So you're infatuated with the man who provided it.
But is he worth it? Please take a deep breath and consider this carefully.
He doesn't call. He doesn't contact you. He gave you some lame song and dance about being afraid of his family, which makes him rather pathetic. Okay, he's obviously decent in the sack (or you wouldn't be hung up on him), but what else does he have to offer besides excuses and leaving you sad and lonely?
You say you want him for a life partner. Does this mean you want him to be the person you share the newspaper with on Sunday morning, the father of your children, the man who you can rely upon to take care of you if you get sick?
Does he really have the qualities the job requires?
My best advice is to forget this guy. If he comes around again, tell him that you've decided to hold out for a man who loves you, calls you, and never makes excuses.
Terry
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Picking a Winner
I enjoyed Susan Courtad's funny and perceptive piece at The Imperfect Parent about Hollywood's single parents. It reminded me of yet another celeb single parent who's in the news lately.
Christie Brinkley, the biggest model in the world during the 1980s, the woman the magazines insisted we aspire to grow up to be, is embroiled in a nasty fourth divorce.
Despite the roller-coaster love life, Christie is still beautiful at the age of 54. The fact that she's beautiful tells me two things:
-Beauty does not necessarily attract love and happiness.
-Beauty attracts certain men who are more interested in being seen with a beautiful woman than in having a mutually-satisfying relationship.
Christie filed for divorce from her current husband after she found out he was having an affair with a 19-year-old girl.
Gross.
Her previous husband turned out to be a disappointment. She claimed she discovered him to be a "totally false person." You think Christie would have learned from this experience and vetted her next husband better.
As for Peter Cook, the husband with the teenaged girlfriend, get this: He has a new lady in his life! There's actually another woman on the planet willing to date this individual.
And then there's Charlie Sheen, who Christie didn't marry, but Denise Richards (whom Susan Courtad refers to in her piece) did. After their marriage exploded, a tape surfaced of Charlie telling Denise to go cry to her "bald mother" who had undergone chemotherapy (and has since died).
Last week another tape surfaced of Charlie calling Denise all sorts of other things that forced him to apologize to the African-American community.
The amazing thing? He's found yet another woman to marry him. Despite his involvement in the Heidi Fleiss scandal (Charlie liked the hookers) and the craziness with Denise, this guy scored another wife.
Sure, it might be cool to have Martin Sheen for a father-in-law. He seems like a lovely man. But if it means I have to show up at the altar with Charlie, I'd rather stay home and read some books.
Some women really need to choose their men more carefully.
Christie Brinkley, the biggest model in the world during the 1980s, the woman the magazines insisted we aspire to grow up to be, is embroiled in a nasty fourth divorce.
Despite the roller-coaster love life, Christie is still beautiful at the age of 54. The fact that she's beautiful tells me two things:
-Beauty does not necessarily attract love and happiness.
-Beauty attracts certain men who are more interested in being seen with a beautiful woman than in having a mutually-satisfying relationship.
Christie filed for divorce from her current husband after she found out he was having an affair with a 19-year-old girl.
Gross.
Her previous husband turned out to be a disappointment. She claimed she discovered him to be a "totally false person." You think Christie would have learned from this experience and vetted her next husband better.
As for Peter Cook, the husband with the teenaged girlfriend, get this: He has a new lady in his life! There's actually another woman on the planet willing to date this individual.
And then there's Charlie Sheen, who Christie didn't marry, but Denise Richards (whom Susan Courtad refers to in her piece) did. After their marriage exploded, a tape surfaced of Charlie telling Denise to go cry to her "bald mother" who had undergone chemotherapy (and has since died).
Last week another tape surfaced of Charlie calling Denise all sorts of other things that forced him to apologize to the African-American community.
The amazing thing? He's found yet another woman to marry him. Despite his involvement in the Heidi Fleiss scandal (Charlie liked the hookers) and the craziness with Denise, this guy scored another wife.
Sure, it might be cool to have Martin Sheen for a father-in-law. He seems like a lovely man. But if it means I have to show up at the altar with Charlie, I'd rather stay home and read some books.
Some women really need to choose their men more carefully.
Monday, June 23, 2008
How to Have a Summer Romance
Or better yet, how to read the signs when you're in for a serious blow-off:
The Best Weekend Ever
Well, almost ever.
Peter, the girls, and I drove down to Long Island to our friends' block party, where we met up with lots of fun old friends. Then I hopped the LIRR (sans family) to Manhattan to meet my brother and his fiancee to have dinner and see The Cure at Radio City.
The block party was just taking off when I had to leave to catch my train, and I hoped to God The Cure would be worth it. I hate it when you waste hours of your life on a mediocre show. Better to just stick with the Ipod.
But The Cure wailed for three solid hours in which I was transported into another time and another space. Robert Smith may be slightly puffy, but his voice still has the same endearing desperate quality it always did. It was a helluva show. (Take that, Brett Michaels!)
My brother's fiancee, a lovely and accomplished person, said, "Those guys have incredible stamina for old people." I said, "How old do you think they are?" She said, "Robert Smith must be 50!"
Is 50 old?
Turns out Robert Smith is not 50. He's 49, but still? Is 50 old? Is it? I mean, I'm not 50, but if I'm lucky, it's on the horizon.
And, as for ancient Robert Smith and the boys, they performed this 3-hour act after playing Madison Square Garden the night before. My fit 30-something brother, who works out in a gym most mornings and made cracks about some of the audience "getting ready to collect Social Security," had to sit down during the third hour.
"I worked today," he said. "I'm exhausted."
Oh, yeah? So who you calling old?
Peter, the girls, and I drove down to Long Island to our friends' block party, where we met up with lots of fun old friends. Then I hopped the LIRR (sans family) to Manhattan to meet my brother and his fiancee to have dinner and see The Cure at Radio City.
The block party was just taking off when I had to leave to catch my train, and I hoped to God The Cure would be worth it. I hate it when you waste hours of your life on a mediocre show. Better to just stick with the Ipod.
But The Cure wailed for three solid hours in which I was transported into another time and another space. Robert Smith may be slightly puffy, but his voice still has the same endearing desperate quality it always did. It was a helluva show. (Take that, Brett Michaels!)
My brother's fiancee, a lovely and accomplished person, said, "Those guys have incredible stamina for old people." I said, "How old do you think they are?" She said, "Robert Smith must be 50!"
Is 50 old?
Turns out Robert Smith is not 50. He's 49, but still? Is 50 old? Is it? I mean, I'm not 50, but if I'm lucky, it's on the horizon.
And, as for ancient Robert Smith and the boys, they performed this 3-hour act after playing Madison Square Garden the night before. My fit 30-something brother, who works out in a gym most mornings and made cracks about some of the audience "getting ready to collect Social Security," had to sit down during the third hour.
"I worked today," he said. "I'm exhausted."
Oh, yeah? So who you calling old?
Friday, June 20, 2008
Real Men Are Not Threatened By Strong Women
So says an ultra-masculine relationship expert by the name of Steve Santagati in this short and compelling CBS segment (preceded by a short commercial). Steve, you're singing my song:
Thursday, June 19, 2008
A 'Meaningful Relationship' After Two Dates?
Dear Terry-
I dated a man twice I met on online dating.
I heard a lot from him in the beginning. Then he tapered off. He would catch me at times and email me that he would catch me when he can.
However, when I confronted him to tell him that in order to have a meaningful relationship we should see each other more often. It was then that he told me that in order for us to have meaningful relationship we would have to live closer, so he decided to call it quits.
He is a widower and was once engaged before and broke it off with the woman. I think even if I lived near him, he would have found another excuse to not continue. It seemed like he only wants a physical relationship now. I want to be in a committed relationship. Did I do the right thing by confronting him?
-I.S.
Dear I.S.-
When a guy's calls taper off, you can definitely assume he's not interested in pursuing a relationship, especially when he tells you he'll "catch" you when he can.
So you did the right thing there.
As far as a "meaningful relationship" goes, what does that mean? It means different things to different people. Decide exactly how you define it (and then take the term out of your vocabulary because it scares people).
Determine what constitutes a happy relationship in your mind. In other words, what qualities would the man have, what things would you be doing together 10 years from now?
You need to know, so that the next time you date somebody, you have an internal guide to help you decide whether he's a) the person you'd want such a relationship with, and b) if he's capable of being the one to enjoy it with you.
You won't have to tell him what he needs to do to make your relationship "meaningful." If he's the right guy, he'll be calling you, showing up when he says he will, letting you know he loves you, and making your happiness a priority (as you should make his).
That's not to say that you should ever expect anyone to read your mind. If you have something to say, say it.
But ask yourself how you would feel if a man--after two dates-- said, "You know, Darling, if we're going to have a meaningful relationship, we need to see each other more often."
Would you even know him well enough after two dates to want a long-term relationship with him? For all you know, he could be one of those creeps who got busted on To Catch a Predator.
The next time you meet a Mr. Maybe, take your time getting to know him. If he doesn't call you after a couple of dates, assume he's not the one for you and keep going.
Know what you want from a relationship. Not every man you meet will have the same goals as you, but the right one will. He's out there. Keep moving until you find him.
I dated a man twice I met on online dating.
I heard a lot from him in the beginning. Then he tapered off. He would catch me at times and email me that he would catch me when he can.
However, when I confronted him to tell him that in order to have a meaningful relationship we should see each other more often. It was then that he told me that in order for us to have meaningful relationship we would have to live closer, so he decided to call it quits.
He is a widower and was once engaged before and broke it off with the woman. I think even if I lived near him, he would have found another excuse to not continue. It seemed like he only wants a physical relationship now. I want to be in a committed relationship. Did I do the right thing by confronting him?
-I.S.
Dear I.S.-
When a guy's calls taper off, you can definitely assume he's not interested in pursuing a relationship, especially when he tells you he'll "catch" you when he can.
So you did the right thing there.
As far as a "meaningful relationship" goes, what does that mean? It means different things to different people. Decide exactly how you define it (and then take the term out of your vocabulary because it scares people).
Determine what constitutes a happy relationship in your mind. In other words, what qualities would the man have, what things would you be doing together 10 years from now?
You need to know, so that the next time you date somebody, you have an internal guide to help you decide whether he's a) the person you'd want such a relationship with, and b) if he's capable of being the one to enjoy it with you.
You won't have to tell him what he needs to do to make your relationship "meaningful." If he's the right guy, he'll be calling you, showing up when he says he will, letting you know he loves you, and making your happiness a priority (as you should make his).
That's not to say that you should ever expect anyone to read your mind. If you have something to say, say it.
But ask yourself how you would feel if a man--after two dates-- said, "You know, Darling, if we're going to have a meaningful relationship, we need to see each other more often."
Would you even know him well enough after two dates to want a long-term relationship with him? For all you know, he could be one of those creeps who got busted on To Catch a Predator.
The next time you meet a Mr. Maybe, take your time getting to know him. If he doesn't call you after a couple of dates, assume he's not the one for you and keep going.
Know what you want from a relationship. Not every man you meet will have the same goals as you, but the right one will. He's out there. Keep moving until you find him.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
You Can't Build a Relationship on a Brazilian
Terry-
I want your opinion on this!
I have read in some dating magazines and books that in order to keep that man - take some Advil and go get waxed you know where. Now I have tried the shaving thing, and it's just darn uncomfortable when it grows back in - not to mention hair down there has a purpose. What do you say to the guy who rejects you because you don't spread to have some woman rip away at your nether regions?
Now mind you - I don't care for a hairy back and if given the choice I would prefer not to have an armadillo. I would NOT reject a good man for this. Is it the same fat vs. thin argument? Men are visual, who can blame them and if they take care of themselves why shouldn't you?
For all purposes - I am well groomed, I do shave my legs and pits and don't have loose strands peeking out of my bathing suit. What's the etiquette on Brazilian or not? Plus it's not cheap.
-J.
Canada - home of the beaver!
Dear J.-
Excuse me while I retrieve my head from the ceiling.
First I'll address your question: What do you say to a man who rejects you because you are not inclined to subject yourself to the overrated ritual euphemistically known as a Brazilian?
You tell him, "Try watching a little less porn, Jackass."
The notion that it is somehow your duty to submit yourself to this masochism to please a man is beyond me. I've never--let me repeat--never met a healthy man who rejected a woman based on the appearance of her lady parts (as Tina Fey likes to call them).
The next time you read a so-called women's magazine, ask yourself, "Do I feel better about myself after reading this thing? Or worse?"
If you feel worse, the magazine has done its job, which is to make you feel insecure enough to buy its advertisers' products in an attempt to feel better about yourself. Remember, the function of some advertising is not to suggest a solution to a problem, but to create a problem that the product can solve for you:
Want a man to love you? Today's man can only love you if you appear to have reached the sexual maturity of a First Grader.
Other arguments for the Brazilian include:
-All the hot female celebrities get Brazilians; it's no big deal. Why not you?
-A Brazilian is exotic. You will feel so much sexier!
Listen, if you're really and truly intrigued by the idea of a Brazilian, if it makes sense to you, go for it. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reason, which would be for yourself, not to please or attract some guy.
Let me repeat: I've never met a healthy man (you know, one without a porn addiction or serious control issues) who cared that much about the appearance of his girlfriend's parts. He's just happy she has them.
As for the "men are visual" argument, think about that one for a minute, will you? The Brazilian wax is a relatively new phenomenon. Men and women have been getting along since the dawn of time without it.
Did your mother worry about getting Brazilians to keep a man's interest? Did your grandmother? My guess is that your female ancestors did just fine without paying a stranger to tear sheets of hair from the tenderest spots of their anatomies.
The visual argument is genius. It also excuses tons of bad behavior: Your boyfriend ogles other women? He's not a jackass. He's visual.
The visual argument moves lots of product, let me tell you.
Relationships are based on sexual attraction, sure, but sexual attraction usually develops before you and a man have seen each other naked. Lasting relationships are based on more than sexual attraction. They're based on love, respect, humor, and the desire for the other partner's happiness.
Save your money and your skin. A Brazilian is not necessary to keep a (healthy) man's affection. But a self-involved jerk with a commercially-imposed sense of what's sexy?
That's another story.
I want your opinion on this!
I have read in some dating magazines and books that in order to keep that man - take some Advil and go get waxed you know where. Now I have tried the shaving thing, and it's just darn uncomfortable when it grows back in - not to mention hair down there has a purpose. What do you say to the guy who rejects you because you don't spread to have some woman rip away at your nether regions?
Now mind you - I don't care for a hairy back and if given the choice I would prefer not to have an armadillo. I would NOT reject a good man for this. Is it the same fat vs. thin argument? Men are visual, who can blame them and if they take care of themselves why shouldn't you?
For all purposes - I am well groomed, I do shave my legs and pits and don't have loose strands peeking out of my bathing suit. What's the etiquette on Brazilian or not? Plus it's not cheap.
-J.
Canada - home of the beaver!
Dear J.-
Excuse me while I retrieve my head from the ceiling.
First I'll address your question: What do you say to a man who rejects you because you are not inclined to subject yourself to the overrated ritual euphemistically known as a Brazilian?
You tell him, "Try watching a little less porn, Jackass."
The notion that it is somehow your duty to submit yourself to this masochism to please a man is beyond me. I've never--let me repeat--never met a healthy man who rejected a woman based on the appearance of her lady parts (as Tina Fey likes to call them).
The next time you read a so-called women's magazine, ask yourself, "Do I feel better about myself after reading this thing? Or worse?"
If you feel worse, the magazine has done its job, which is to make you feel insecure enough to buy its advertisers' products in an attempt to feel better about yourself. Remember, the function of some advertising is not to suggest a solution to a problem, but to create a problem that the product can solve for you:
Want a man to love you? Today's man can only love you if you appear to have reached the sexual maturity of a First Grader.
Other arguments for the Brazilian include:
-All the hot female celebrities get Brazilians; it's no big deal. Why not you?
-A Brazilian is exotic. You will feel so much sexier!
Listen, if you're really and truly intrigued by the idea of a Brazilian, if it makes sense to you, go for it. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reason, which would be for yourself, not to please or attract some guy.
Let me repeat: I've never met a healthy man (you know, one without a porn addiction or serious control issues) who cared that much about the appearance of his girlfriend's parts. He's just happy she has them.
As for the "men are visual" argument, think about that one for a minute, will you? The Brazilian wax is a relatively new phenomenon. Men and women have been getting along since the dawn of time without it.
Did your mother worry about getting Brazilians to keep a man's interest? Did your grandmother? My guess is that your female ancestors did just fine without paying a stranger to tear sheets of hair from the tenderest spots of their anatomies.
The visual argument is genius. It also excuses tons of bad behavior: Your boyfriend ogles other women? He's not a jackass. He's visual.
The visual argument moves lots of product, let me tell you.
Relationships are based on sexual attraction, sure, but sexual attraction usually develops before you and a man have seen each other naked. Lasting relationships are based on more than sexual attraction. They're based on love, respect, humor, and the desire for the other partner's happiness.
Save your money and your skin. A Brazilian is not necessary to keep a (healthy) man's affection. But a self-involved jerk with a commercially-imposed sense of what's sexy?
That's another story.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Must She Always Be Alone?
Dear Terry,
I am not dating anyone right now. Smart, talented, attractive mid-forties. I keep looking back at my exes. One is married, and another has had a girlfriend for eight years.
I wonder where did I go wrong? How come I am still alone?
I also want to add that I gave up one boyfriend since did not want to get married. But now he is living with his girlfriend of eight years.
Should I have done that? Just lived together?
-Alone for Now
Dear Now-
Do you remember what happened to Lot's wife when she looked back? Well, stop looking back. There's nothing to be gained from mooning over dead relationships that probably died for good reason.
If you didn't want to live with a guy without being married to him, you did the right thing by not living with him. You would not have been happy then, and you would not be happy now.
Chances are, you'd still be trying to convince him to get married, and clearly he wasn't kidding when he said he did not want to get married -- to you or to anyone else (see present girlfriend for evidence).
You ask where you've gone wrong, but maybe you haven't gone wrong at all. Things happen for a reason (I really believe this). Maybe the first guy, the one who did get married, would have made you miserable. Be open to the possibility that you've been saved from something.
You say you're smart, talented, attractive. Be confident there's a man out there who wants what you have.
But let me play devil's advocate:
Say you don't ever get married. Say a prophet just happens to pop over to borrow a cup of sugar and tells you, "God told to me this morning that you're destined to remain alone, so you'd better start enjoying yourself?"
How would you change your life?
Would you travel? Buy yourself flowers? Try new foods? Study Latin? Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered?
You see, I do not believe that a woman needs a man to be happy. (I do believe that if she's going to stay happy she'd better hook up with the right man, however.) I also know there are no guarantees in life, except that we will all die one day.
The job may move to Mexico, the husband may drop dead of a heart attack, the house may wash away in a flood. But you will always have you, so you'd better start enjoying you. Stop worrying about snagging a man.
Keep in mind the great qualities you have to offer. Start enjoying the whole, talented, self-supporting, smart, attractive woman you are. When you feel good about yourself, when you're happy and full, you attract good circumstances and better people.
In the meantime, I recommend you read a fabulous book by a woman who would have traded places with you in a minute. She got a divorce and embarked on an adventure that fed her mind, body, and soul. The book is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.
Buy it or get it at the library. It's a life-changer.
I am not dating anyone right now. Smart, talented, attractive mid-forties. I keep looking back at my exes. One is married, and another has had a girlfriend for eight years.
I wonder where did I go wrong? How come I am still alone?
I also want to add that I gave up one boyfriend since did not want to get married. But now he is living with his girlfriend of eight years.
Should I have done that? Just lived together?
-Alone for Now
Dear Now-
Do you remember what happened to Lot's wife when she looked back? Well, stop looking back. There's nothing to be gained from mooning over dead relationships that probably died for good reason.
If you didn't want to live with a guy without being married to him, you did the right thing by not living with him. You would not have been happy then, and you would not be happy now.
Chances are, you'd still be trying to convince him to get married, and clearly he wasn't kidding when he said he did not want to get married -- to you or to anyone else (see present girlfriend for evidence).
You ask where you've gone wrong, but maybe you haven't gone wrong at all. Things happen for a reason (I really believe this). Maybe the first guy, the one who did get married, would have made you miserable. Be open to the possibility that you've been saved from something.
You say you're smart, talented, attractive. Be confident there's a man out there who wants what you have.
But let me play devil's advocate:
Say you don't ever get married. Say a prophet just happens to pop over to borrow a cup of sugar and tells you, "God told to me this morning that you're destined to remain alone, so you'd better start enjoying yourself?"
How would you change your life?
Would you travel? Buy yourself flowers? Try new foods? Study Latin? Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered?
You see, I do not believe that a woman needs a man to be happy. (I do believe that if she's going to stay happy she'd better hook up with the right man, however.) I also know there are no guarantees in life, except that we will all die one day.
The job may move to Mexico, the husband may drop dead of a heart attack, the house may wash away in a flood. But you will always have you, so you'd better start enjoying you. Stop worrying about snagging a man.
Keep in mind the great qualities you have to offer. Start enjoying the whole, talented, self-supporting, smart, attractive woman you are. When you feel good about yourself, when you're happy and full, you attract good circumstances and better people.
In the meantime, I recommend you read a fabulous book by a woman who would have traded places with you in a minute. She got a divorce and embarked on an adventure that fed her mind, body, and soul. The book is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.
Buy it or get it at the library. It's a life-changer.
Friday, June 13, 2008
This Guy Really, Really Wanted to Get Married
So he married a woman a few hours after he met her. They just celebrated their 10th anniversary.
Pretty amazing.
Pretty amazing.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
At the Book Club
Last night, I met some friends I've made in the state where it's reportedly impossible to make friends for our book club. (Keep this in mind when somebody tells you it's impossible to meet single men who aren't complete losers.)
The books we discussed were Please Excuse My Daughter by Julie Klam (liked it) and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (liked it, too). We chose two new books for our next meeting (I recommended Me of Little Faith by my hero, Lewis Black, forgetting that a couple of chickens are probably not as laid back as I am about frequent appearances of the F-word. A friend recommended the second book, The Ten Year Nap, by Meg Wolitzer). So we've got one fiction and one non-fiction title to read, and we're off!
We drank wine, ate too much, and sat under the stars on our friend Melanie's deck. What a beautiful night; it made for sweet relief after the oppressive heat and humidity we suffered the previous three days!
Nothing like time out with the females. In case you missed my invitation for a girls' getaway in September, you can see it by clicking here.
Would love to have you!
The books we discussed were Please Excuse My Daughter by Julie Klam (liked it) and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (liked it, too). We chose two new books for our next meeting (I recommended Me of Little Faith by my hero, Lewis Black, forgetting that a couple of chickens are probably not as laid back as I am about frequent appearances of the F-word. A friend recommended the second book, The Ten Year Nap, by Meg Wolitzer). So we've got one fiction and one non-fiction title to read, and we're off!
We drank wine, ate too much, and sat under the stars on our friend Melanie's deck. What a beautiful night; it made for sweet relief after the oppressive heat and humidity we suffered the previous three days!
Nothing like time out with the females. In case you missed my invitation for a girls' getaway in September, you can see it by clicking here.
Would love to have you!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tell Him to Have a Happy Life
Dear Terry-
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for about 5 years. He is 29, a few months ago he received a scholarship from his work to do Masters Degree in UK, which I found out from the other people. Since then he's been treating me like trash, planning his trip without telling me anything, making long calls to certain woman who is in UK, but from here, he denied having an affair with her.
Three weeks ago he took me to his place, telling me he doesn’t want to be cheating anymore; that woman is his girlfriend, he and I have no future together and when he goes to UK they will be together.
I wrote him an e-mail telling him to have a happy life, and he should stop calling and email me because he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with me while there is another woman in his life, when we meet we shall smile. He emphasizes that they are so into it; I said nothing.
He began calling me every day after three days sending texts that he has changed his mind he wants to be with me and take me with him.
The funny thing is our parents don’t know about us. I asked him for something formal which he refused, I respect my parents. I can't just go just like that. As of now, I told him that we should never have sex, and I will never visit his place unless he proves he really wants to be with me by introducing me to his parents and visit mine.
I am confused, Terry. Does he love me, or does he just want to use me because he didn’t say the relationship is over with her? I don’t know what to do.
I need your help.
-Confused
Dear Confused-
Would you allow a friend to treat you this way? Wouldn't you have doubts about a friend who refused to introduce you to her parents? Who announced your friendship didn't have a future, and then called and emailed to tell you she'd changed her mind?
I suspect you'd have serious reservations about such a person. I would, anyway.
You were right (and dignified, I might add) when you told this man to stop contacting you, and to have a happy life. The next time he contacts you, please tell him what he told you: "We have no future together."
Does he love you, you ask? I think a man who behaves this way only loves himself. I don't think he is capable of making you happy. I don't believe he is capable of making any woman happy.
Can you imagine being saddled with this person for the rest of your life? He'd make you miserable.
You're better off without him, but I suspect you already know this. Stop building him up in your mind. Evict him! He's just not good enough for you.
-Terry
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for about 5 years. He is 29, a few months ago he received a scholarship from his work to do Masters Degree in UK, which I found out from the other people. Since then he's been treating me like trash, planning his trip without telling me anything, making long calls to certain woman who is in UK, but from here, he denied having an affair with her.
Three weeks ago he took me to his place, telling me he doesn’t want to be cheating anymore; that woman is his girlfriend, he and I have no future together and when he goes to UK they will be together.
I wrote him an e-mail telling him to have a happy life, and he should stop calling and email me because he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with me while there is another woman in his life, when we meet we shall smile. He emphasizes that they are so into it; I said nothing.
He began calling me every day after three days sending texts that he has changed his mind he wants to be with me and take me with him.
The funny thing is our parents don’t know about us. I asked him for something formal which he refused, I respect my parents. I can't just go just like that. As of now, I told him that we should never have sex, and I will never visit his place unless he proves he really wants to be with me by introducing me to his parents and visit mine.
I am confused, Terry. Does he love me, or does he just want to use me because he didn’t say the relationship is over with her? I don’t know what to do.
I need your help.
-Confused
Dear Confused-
Would you allow a friend to treat you this way? Wouldn't you have doubts about a friend who refused to introduce you to her parents? Who announced your friendship didn't have a future, and then called and emailed to tell you she'd changed her mind?
I suspect you'd have serious reservations about such a person. I would, anyway.
You were right (and dignified, I might add) when you told this man to stop contacting you, and to have a happy life. The next time he contacts you, please tell him what he told you: "We have no future together."
Does he love you, you ask? I think a man who behaves this way only loves himself. I don't think he is capable of making you happy. I don't believe he is capable of making any woman happy.
Can you imagine being saddled with this person for the rest of your life? He'd make you miserable.
You're better off without him, but I suspect you already know this. Stop building him up in your mind. Evict him! He's just not good enough for you.
-Terry
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Taking a Break
I've been spending way too much time on this computer, and my eyeballs are about to blast out of my head. I'll be taking a break from this page for a couple of days.
Have a great weekend!
Have a great weekend!
Thursday, June 05, 2008
A Funny Man Vs. an Unfunny Man
Okay, this post has nothing to do with dating, but I have to get something off my chest.
Last night I stayed up late to work out a computer glitch and ended up witnessing Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Now, Conan bugs me. The guy scrapes for laughs. Case in point was last night's quip about TV Land's new show, She's Got the Look, about would-be models over the age of 35.
Conan said something to the effect of, "It's perfect for viewers who don't prefer their models young and hot."
The joke got zero laughs. Deservedly.
Then he went on to make fun of Ed McMahon, the 85-year-old former Tonight Show co-host, who is in danger of losing his home to foreclosure. That joke also garnered zero laughs.
Talk about crap comedy.
Conan is mean, which is not the same as funny. Or smart.
When he takes over The Tonight Show next year, I'll continue to avoid it (I don't watch it now because Jay Leno isn't funny, either), but I will probably watch Late Night more often (because Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan, and he is).
In happy news, one of my favorite comedians, Lewis Black, who does happen to be smart and funny has just put out a new book entitled Me of Little Faith. I plan to pick it up at full price at the independent bookstore in my neighborhood because I a) love Lewis, and b) I treasure this independent bookstore and want to keep it in business.
Lewis Black is scheduled to appear on Conan this evening to promote Me of Little Faith. I'll tune in, despite Conan.
Last night I stayed up late to work out a computer glitch and ended up witnessing Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Now, Conan bugs me. The guy scrapes for laughs. Case in point was last night's quip about TV Land's new show, She's Got the Look, about would-be models over the age of 35.
Conan said something to the effect of, "It's perfect for viewers who don't prefer their models young and hot."
The joke got zero laughs. Deservedly.
Then he went on to make fun of Ed McMahon, the 85-year-old former Tonight Show co-host, who is in danger of losing his home to foreclosure. That joke also garnered zero laughs.
Talk about crap comedy.
Conan is mean, which is not the same as funny. Or smart.
When he takes over The Tonight Show next year, I'll continue to avoid it (I don't watch it now because Jay Leno isn't funny, either), but I will probably watch Late Night more often (because Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan, and he is).
In happy news, one of my favorite comedians, Lewis Black, who does happen to be smart and funny has just put out a new book entitled Me of Little Faith. I plan to pick it up at full price at the independent bookstore in my neighborhood because I a) love Lewis, and b) I treasure this independent bookstore and want to keep it in business.
Lewis Black is scheduled to appear on Conan this evening to promote Me of Little Faith. I'll tune in, despite Conan.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Guys Who Only Like Their Coffee Strong
Hi, Terry:
I have recently had the experience where a guy I was seeing for about a month sent me a text to say he couldn't see me at the moment as he had decided to get counselling. No phone call..a text..after weeks of a fun time..things going great.
You gave me a great reply to this situation on distancing behaviour from men..a friend of mine said to me today though, that he could understand the guy doing that because I am a strong woman..It's not right..but he understands this male behaviour.
So, my question is...Do you think that women can be part of the problem in scenarios like this?
I am strong..but in an assertive not an aggressive way. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to me, and expect to be treated with respect.
What are your thoughts on men who see the woman as causing the men's reaction in the first place?
Sian
Dear Sian:
I don't care if you burned the guy's house down. There's no excuse for ending your relationship with a text message. I mean, think about it. Who ends a relationship with a text informing you he's off to get counseling?
And your friend's reaction? Pass the smelling salts!
This guy suggests that your former beau's cowardly exit results from your being a strong woman, which he perceives as somewhat scary and unfortunate.
But listen: Strong men are not threatened by strong women. On the contrary, strong men relish and delight in a strong women because they're human. They want a friend, as well as a lover. They want someone they can count on to put them on the right path when they lose their way (because, once in a while, we all lose our way). And even though it frightens them that they may get sick and will die some day, they understand the value of having a partner who possesses the strength take care of them when they do (unless you get sick and die first, that is).
Sorry for being morbid, but this is life, and these are the facts.
Please don't ever question your desire for respect. However, it does concern me when you say you don't want anyone to be obligated to you. I may be misunderstanding you here, but if you mean that you don't want a man to feel that he has to take care of you, please remember:
Every human being wants to feel needed.
So, if you're dating a man, and he asks to do something for you, let him. Of course you can do it yourself, and he's not implying that you can't. He's merely trying to get closer to you. If you like him, you must make room for him. Letting him do little things for you will make him feel valued.
In the meantime, stop worrying about MR G2G2 COUNSELING. A man who breaks up via text is no loss.
I have recently had the experience where a guy I was seeing for about a month sent me a text to say he couldn't see me at the moment as he had decided to get counselling. No phone call..a text..after weeks of a fun time..things going great.
You gave me a great reply to this situation on distancing behaviour from men..a friend of mine said to me today though, that he could understand the guy doing that because I am a strong woman..It's not right..but he understands this male behaviour.
So, my question is...Do you think that women can be part of the problem in scenarios like this?
I am strong..but in an assertive not an aggressive way. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to me, and expect to be treated with respect.
What are your thoughts on men who see the woman as causing the men's reaction in the first place?
Sian
Dear Sian:
I don't care if you burned the guy's house down. There's no excuse for ending your relationship with a text message. I mean, think about it. Who ends a relationship with a text informing you he's off to get counseling?
And your friend's reaction? Pass the smelling salts!
This guy suggests that your former beau's cowardly exit results from your being a strong woman, which he perceives as somewhat scary and unfortunate.
But listen: Strong men are not threatened by strong women. On the contrary, strong men relish and delight in a strong women because they're human. They want a friend, as well as a lover. They want someone they can count on to put them on the right path when they lose their way (because, once in a while, we all lose our way). And even though it frightens them that they may get sick and will die some day, they understand the value of having a partner who possesses the strength take care of them when they do (unless you get sick and die first, that is).
Sorry for being morbid, but this is life, and these are the facts.
Please don't ever question your desire for respect. However, it does concern me when you say you don't want anyone to be obligated to you. I may be misunderstanding you here, but if you mean that you don't want a man to feel that he has to take care of you, please remember:
Every human being wants to feel needed.
So, if you're dating a man, and he asks to do something for you, let him. Of course you can do it yourself, and he's not implying that you can't. He's merely trying to get closer to you. If you like him, you must make room for him. Letting him do little things for you will make him feel valued.
In the meantime, stop worrying about MR G2G2 COUNSELING. A man who breaks up via text is no loss.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Dating for Cash and Prizes
During my single days, I'd go on a first date with the occasional guy who seemed convinced that all women would take him for whatever he was worth.
And there was no second date. Paranoia's a serious turn-off.
But a couple of weeks ago, I came across an article in one of the New York papers that described how one woman Manhattan-dweller is dealing with the rising cost of living. Here's the quote that made my hair stand up on end:
Ugh.
And there was no second date. Paranoia's a serious turn-off.
But a couple of weeks ago, I came across an article in one of the New York papers that described how one woman Manhattan-dweller is dealing with the rising cost of living. Here's the quote that made my hair stand up on end:
"I've upped the dating," [she] says. "I tend to date chivalrous types who can take me out to nice places. It's helped me survive the recession."Women like this exist, sure, but I'd die before I became one. I wouldn't want one for a friend, either.
Ugh.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Another Rubberband Man
Hi, Terry-
I am thoroughly confused. A year ago I dated a man who is twenty years my senior. I am twenty-seven. It was a short but very intense relationship. We lived together for about a month.
He has a very bad relationship history (the word Casanova comes to mind), and I doubted throughout if he wanted a serious realtionship. At his age, the longest relationship he has ever been in is seven months! I thought he had changed, as he said he was tired of being in relationships that never lasted and was hoping ours would.
I disliked a lot of things about the relationship- he was very paranoid, jealous and analysed every statement I made. Even though he never said anything, and he denied being jealous, his behaviour proved other wise. I tried to alleviate his fears by trying to let him know that I thought of HIM only and so on. I would call him all the time to tell him what I was doing so he would not have to wonder and suspect anything. He misunderstood my constant communication with him as a sign of neediness and clinginess. Well, to cut a long story short he broke up with me and said he only wanted to be friends as we misunderstood and misconnected.
I was ok with that initially, even though it hurt a lot, because we did fight a lot. Just as I was beginning to get used to a life without him he then started indicating to me that he wanted more. He would invite me to social gatherings with his friends and not indicate that we were not together anymore. He would let them assume and sometimes actually confirm that we were still together, which confused me a lot since I still have feelings for him, and I would take him back if he wanted to work at the relationship.
Currently, I am the one who AGAIN initiates contact. He does not however follow our dinner and coffee dates with a call or so. He acts as though we are together when other people are, but he never makes any contact with me otherwise. I am always the one to call him to ask if he wants to go out for meals or coffee. He always accepts, always hints to a future reunion, his body language says he still finds me attractive but he never initiates contact.
What is going on here? what can I do to turn the tables. I still have feelings for him, but I am tired of feeling used. He is currently still single.
What do you think?
-G.
Dear G.-
I'll tell you what I think: You can do better than this.
Your problem is very similar to the one I answered yesterday, so please read my response there. I'd also like you to re-read your letter to me. Sometimes when we look at a situation in black-and-white we can see it for what it really is.
You say this particular man's body language indicates that he is still attracted to you. That's great. It means a better man will be attracted to you, too.
But you want this man. Why? Why? Why?
Please think about this: What attracts you to a man who is destined to disappoint you every way he can? What attracts you to a man you describe as a Casanova? Who is incapable of maintaining a relationship for over seven months? At 47 years of age?
Which brings me to another thing: His age. When you're 27, being with a man 20 years your senior can be a heady experience. Older people can be incredibly attractive when we're young; they seem smarter, wiser, sexier. But not every older man or woman has grown up from the person they were in their 20s.
Some people resist growth. And an older man who still can't manage a decent love relationship probably falls into this category.
You mention that you disliked a lot of this man's qualities when you were together: His paranoia, jealousy, and his compulsion to analyze every word you uttered. Can you imagine the living hell you'd endure if you married him?
Stop being confused. Stop calling the guy. If he calls you, tell him thanks but no thanks.
You deserve better and you're moving on.
Terry
I am thoroughly confused. A year ago I dated a man who is twenty years my senior. I am twenty-seven. It was a short but very intense relationship. We lived together for about a month.
He has a very bad relationship history (the word Casanova comes to mind), and I doubted throughout if he wanted a serious realtionship. At his age, the longest relationship he has ever been in is seven months! I thought he had changed, as he said he was tired of being in relationships that never lasted and was hoping ours would.
I disliked a lot of things about the relationship- he was very paranoid, jealous and analysed every statement I made. Even though he never said anything, and he denied being jealous, his behaviour proved other wise. I tried to alleviate his fears by trying to let him know that I thought of HIM only and so on. I would call him all the time to tell him what I was doing so he would not have to wonder and suspect anything. He misunderstood my constant communication with him as a sign of neediness and clinginess. Well, to cut a long story short he broke up with me and said he only wanted to be friends as we misunderstood and misconnected.
I was ok with that initially, even though it hurt a lot, because we did fight a lot. Just as I was beginning to get used to a life without him he then started indicating to me that he wanted more. He would invite me to social gatherings with his friends and not indicate that we were not together anymore. He would let them assume and sometimes actually confirm that we were still together, which confused me a lot since I still have feelings for him, and I would take him back if he wanted to work at the relationship.
Currently, I am the one who AGAIN initiates contact. He does not however follow our dinner and coffee dates with a call or so. He acts as though we are together when other people are, but he never makes any contact with me otherwise. I am always the one to call him to ask if he wants to go out for meals or coffee. He always accepts, always hints to a future reunion, his body language says he still finds me attractive but he never initiates contact.
What is going on here? what can I do to turn the tables. I still have feelings for him, but I am tired of feeling used. He is currently still single.
What do you think?
-G.
Dear G.-
I'll tell you what I think: You can do better than this.
Your problem is very similar to the one I answered yesterday, so please read my response there. I'd also like you to re-read your letter to me. Sometimes when we look at a situation in black-and-white we can see it for what it really is.
You say this particular man's body language indicates that he is still attracted to you. That's great. It means a better man will be attracted to you, too.
But you want this man. Why? Why? Why?
Please think about this: What attracts you to a man who is destined to disappoint you every way he can? What attracts you to a man you describe as a Casanova? Who is incapable of maintaining a relationship for over seven months? At 47 years of age?
Which brings me to another thing: His age. When you're 27, being with a man 20 years your senior can be a heady experience. Older people can be incredibly attractive when we're young; they seem smarter, wiser, sexier. But not every older man or woman has grown up from the person they were in their 20s.
Some people resist growth. And an older man who still can't manage a decent love relationship probably falls into this category.
You mention that you disliked a lot of this man's qualities when you were together: His paranoia, jealousy, and his compulsion to analyze every word you uttered. Can you imagine the living hell you'd endure if you married him?
Stop being confused. Stop calling the guy. If he calls you, tell him thanks but no thanks.
You deserve better and you're moving on.
Terry
Thursday, May 29, 2008
He Told Her She Was the Most Amazing Person He'd Ever Met (and Promptly Disappeared)
Hi, Terry:
I have been dreading to send you this mail but didn’t know where to start until I just couldn’t go to sleep as I am at the end of my journey.
I met Him in July last year. The first signs that something was wrong was when He gave me a lift home from work and said, "You are an amazing person, I’ve never met anyone like you but cannot see you again." I was convinced, but got an e-mail at work that said, “There’s something I want to show you! Is it possible to see you when you knock off?” Then we were together again. We have been to breakfasts, lakes, lunches, and all of them were magical.
That was only the beginning of my sufferings. We are so different and yet so attracted to each other. Different religion, race, he is 20yrs older …the list goes on! Magic is the only word I can explain what we both feel. But every time we spent time together he will suddenly close up for days on end, and I wouldn’t understand what hit me. As I write this tears just pour down as I know that we are only kept apart by boundaries that He knows of but is not willing to share with me. At times He says that I’m too close or He’ll say “one of these days I’ll surprise you." I don’t know what this is or where it is going….
I have fallen for him, and it makes me sad to know that He doesn’t want me. I have met wonderful people but cannot seem to go on dates or give anybody a chance. I have tried but all these are disastrous and make me feel worse. Nobody has never made me feel the way that he does… We still go to lunch once in a while, I do try to keep my distance but if we are together, every tear and pain melts away. We are not sexually active as He feels that we are not ready. This is frustrating as I‘ve read every book, am a bonafide Christian at age 32 with two beautiful girls….I need to get through this and be normal again.
He does call….but as soon as there’s any connection, He is gone. I love him and I do want him in my life even though he is a different religion. He has all the qualities I want in a man. I have prayed and am not willing to give up on him. Please help…
-Warm Regards But Not Feeling too Well
Dear Warm-
It's extremely seductive when you click with a man, and he tells you, "You are the most amazing person I've ever met." It really seals the attraction, doesn't it?
Because we women have been socialized to believe that someday our prince will come, that we are destined to spend our lives with a soulmate, that some romances are fated from the start, and so on. From the day we are born, it's expected that some man will come for us out of the blue, love us, provide for us, and make us happy.
But it's more important that we love and provide for ourselves and make ourselves happy. A fantastic love relationship is lovely, intoxicating, invigorating, and certainly helpful, but it's not necessary to our survival.
Sadly, so many of us hold onto a relationship because it just had to be "the one" because of the beliefs we've been raised with, supplemented with a comment from a guy like, "You are like nobody else," or "The minute I met you I felt I'd always known you."
It's hard to walk away from a line like that. (I know; I fell for one myself).
And it's especially intriguing when a guy drops a line like that and follows it up with, "I cannot see you again."
What?
And then he calls and asks you to join him in some magical adventure. And you go and say to yourself, "We belong together. It's just a matter of time before he realizes it. I'll make him realize it."
But here's the snag: He's not available.
I don't know whether religion is a factor, or if it's something else. To tell you the truth, it does not matter. What matters is that you're in pain. You're losing sleep over this guy, which means other aspects of your life are suffering, which may include your work, your children, and your ability to have a good laugh with your friends.
In my experience, men who tell you they're unavailable mean it. And that may be a good thing because if you stand back far enough to see this picture clearly, you'll quickly realize that a man who tells you you're special but can't see you again and then calls you bears little resemblance to the man you've built him up to be.
Your mind is a powerful thing. Name one thing about his man that you don't like (there's something). Now imagine having to deal with him and this particular quality on a daily basis. Because people tend to be on their best behavior when they're getting to know another person, you can pretty much bet that this bad quality is only going to get worse.
Say to yourself, "Where the heck does this clown get off calling the shots in my life?" And, "What's his problem, anyway?" (Trust me. He's got a problem.)
Please be open to the possibility that there exists a man who will think you're the most special person on earth and make himself available to be with you. Hold out for that man!
If you doubt this man exists, it's important to ask yourself why. Why can't he? Is there a part of you that doesn't want him to exist? Are you afraid of having a real relationship?
If so, why? Write down every single thing that scares you about it. Don't censor yourself. Then see if it's possible that your fears are justified. Is it possible that they can be overcome?
Very often we become attracted to men we cannot have precisely because we cannot have them (I used to be a pro at this). A little soul searching will go a long way in helping you move on from this situation.
Whatever you do, please stop eating lunch with a man who says, "Someday I will surprise you" and other cryptic nonsense, only to disappear. He is not worthy of you or your time.
I'm rooting for you.
Terry
I have been dreading to send you this mail but didn’t know where to start until I just couldn’t go to sleep as I am at the end of my journey.
I met Him in July last year. The first signs that something was wrong was when He gave me a lift home from work and said, "You are an amazing person, I’ve never met anyone like you but cannot see you again." I was convinced, but got an e-mail at work that said, “There’s something I want to show you! Is it possible to see you when you knock off?” Then we were together again. We have been to breakfasts, lakes, lunches, and all of them were magical.
That was only the beginning of my sufferings. We are so different and yet so attracted to each other. Different religion, race, he is 20yrs older …the list goes on! Magic is the only word I can explain what we both feel. But every time we spent time together he will suddenly close up for days on end, and I wouldn’t understand what hit me. As I write this tears just pour down as I know that we are only kept apart by boundaries that He knows of but is not willing to share with me. At times He says that I’m too close or He’ll say “one of these days I’ll surprise you." I don’t know what this is or where it is going….
I have fallen for him, and it makes me sad to know that He doesn’t want me. I have met wonderful people but cannot seem to go on dates or give anybody a chance. I have tried but all these are disastrous and make me feel worse. Nobody has never made me feel the way that he does… We still go to lunch once in a while, I do try to keep my distance but if we are together, every tear and pain melts away. We are not sexually active as He feels that we are not ready. This is frustrating as I‘ve read every book, am a bonafide Christian at age 32 with two beautiful girls….I need to get through this and be normal again.
He does call….but as soon as there’s any connection, He is gone. I love him and I do want him in my life even though he is a different religion. He has all the qualities I want in a man. I have prayed and am not willing to give up on him. Please help…
-Warm Regards But Not Feeling too Well
Dear Warm-
It's extremely seductive when you click with a man, and he tells you, "You are the most amazing person I've ever met." It really seals the attraction, doesn't it?
Because we women have been socialized to believe that someday our prince will come, that we are destined to spend our lives with a soulmate, that some romances are fated from the start, and so on. From the day we are born, it's expected that some man will come for us out of the blue, love us, provide for us, and make us happy.
But it's more important that we love and provide for ourselves and make ourselves happy. A fantastic love relationship is lovely, intoxicating, invigorating, and certainly helpful, but it's not necessary to our survival.
Sadly, so many of us hold onto a relationship because it just had to be "the one" because of the beliefs we've been raised with, supplemented with a comment from a guy like, "You are like nobody else," or "The minute I met you I felt I'd always known you."
It's hard to walk away from a line like that. (I know; I fell for one myself).
And it's especially intriguing when a guy drops a line like that and follows it up with, "I cannot see you again."
What?
And then he calls and asks you to join him in some magical adventure. And you go and say to yourself, "We belong together. It's just a matter of time before he realizes it. I'll make him realize it."
But here's the snag: He's not available.
I don't know whether religion is a factor, or if it's something else. To tell you the truth, it does not matter. What matters is that you're in pain. You're losing sleep over this guy, which means other aspects of your life are suffering, which may include your work, your children, and your ability to have a good laugh with your friends.
In my experience, men who tell you they're unavailable mean it. And that may be a good thing because if you stand back far enough to see this picture clearly, you'll quickly realize that a man who tells you you're special but can't see you again and then calls you bears little resemblance to the man you've built him up to be.
Your mind is a powerful thing. Name one thing about his man that you don't like (there's something). Now imagine having to deal with him and this particular quality on a daily basis. Because people tend to be on their best behavior when they're getting to know another person, you can pretty much bet that this bad quality is only going to get worse.
Say to yourself, "Where the heck does this clown get off calling the shots in my life?" And, "What's his problem, anyway?" (Trust me. He's got a problem.)
Please be open to the possibility that there exists a man who will think you're the most special person on earth and make himself available to be with you. Hold out for that man!
If you doubt this man exists, it's important to ask yourself why. Why can't he? Is there a part of you that doesn't want him to exist? Are you afraid of having a real relationship?
If so, why? Write down every single thing that scares you about it. Don't censor yourself. Then see if it's possible that your fears are justified. Is it possible that they can be overcome?
Very often we become attracted to men we cannot have precisely because we cannot have them (I used to be a pro at this). A little soul searching will go a long way in helping you move on from this situation.
Whatever you do, please stop eating lunch with a man who says, "Someday I will surprise you" and other cryptic nonsense, only to disappear. He is not worthy of you or your time.
I'm rooting for you.
Terry
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Gals' Cruise to Bermuda! I'm Going. How About You?
It doesn't matter whether you're single or married. Come alone.* Bring a friend. Bring a bunch of friends. Bring your sister. It only matters that you're up for a good time!
(I sure am.)
Cruise Planner Virginia DeDad, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, and I have put together a 5-day Royal Caribbean cruise, setting sail from New Jersey on September 20, and we want YOU to join us.
We'll dock in King's Wharf, Bermuda.
Our ship, Explorer of the Seas(R) features:
-10 restaurants.
-State-of-the-art spa**
-Bars, a pub, a nightclub, and casino**
-Golf course
-Yoga and fitness classes
-2 pools
-Live entertainment
-Movie theater
(We won't be bored.)
PLUS, SINGLE WOMEN CAN TAKE ANY OF THESE FREE WORKSHOPS (WHILE THEIR MARRIED FRIENDS DO SOMETHING ELSE):
Attract the Man of Your Dreams with the Law of Attraction
Tired of dating the wrong men? Discover how you can bring the right man into your life by unleashing the power of the Law of Attraction. Terry Hernon MacDonald, author of the blog, Dating Advice (Almost) Daily, will give you the time-tested tools to attract a man who'll make you happy.
Flirt School: Increase Your Feminine Allure to Attract More Men
What makes a woman irresistible? Discover simple flirting methods and sure-fire ways to rekindle your feminine charm. Ronnie Ann Ryan, The Dating Coach and author of the book MANifesting Mr. Right, will show you how to become approachable, improve desirability, and connect with non-verbal cues. (Visit Ronnie here).
Date Smart—Savvy Tips to Find Love Now
Do you worry you’ll never find a good man? Learn the most effective dating strategies to find the love you want. Ronnie Ann Ryan will clear up confusion about dating roles, who pays, and how you can avoid the biggest mistakes women make today.
Plus:
If demand warrants, we may offer "Women Finish Rich—Savvy Financial Planning Strategies for a Fabulous Retirement," a seminar with a reputable (but not boring) financial planner in tune with women's unique financial situations.
RATES:
*Depending on availability, Virginia will be happy to arrange a roommate for you.
Inside Cabin:
$849/person, double occupancy
Balcony Cabin
$1149/person double occupancy
Includes all taxes, port charges, fuel supplements.
**Spa services, alcohol, land tours extra
$200 Deposit due by June 22nd
Final payment due on or before July 12th
To make your deposit or for more information, call Virginia with Cruise Planners (she's friendly) at:
1-800-794-0741 or 203-402-0632
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Great Flirting Tip
I found a very excellent post on Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan's blog today about getting up the nerve to do whatcha gotta do when you want to get out of a rut and meet somebody.
If you're not familiar with Ronnie, she's the author of Manifesting Mr. Right, which details how she defied media gloom and doom and attracted her own Mr. Right after age 40. Check out Manifesting Mr. Right here.
Click here to check out Ronnie's blog and flirting tip.
If you're not familiar with Ronnie, she's the author of Manifesting Mr. Right, which details how she defied media gloom and doom and attracted her own Mr. Right after age 40. Check out Manifesting Mr. Right here.
Click here to check out Ronnie's blog and flirting tip.
How to Tell If He...
The search terms I find in this blog's stat counter reveal a lot, especially after a long weekend. Here are this morning's big four:
-How to tell if he likes me
-How to tell if he wants to be exclusive
-How to tell if he wants relationship
-Stood up
To shed light on the first three, it's never your job to figure out if a man likes you or what his motives are. It's his job to communicate his feelings, and if he doesn't, keep moving until he does. (And if he doesn't, you won't have wasted time on him.)
As for being stood up, well, please believe me when I suggest that a guy's not showing has nothing (really; nothing) to do with you and everything to do with him. Does this make it any less disappointing?
Of course not.
But a guy who's too cowardly or self-involved or forgetful or drunk to show up for a date (or to pick up the phone and give you the courtesy of canceling it) makes lousy boyfriend material.
Be thankful he let you know it before you got involved with him.
-How to tell if he likes me
-How to tell if he wants to be exclusive
-How to tell if he wants relationship
-Stood up
To shed light on the first three, it's never your job to figure out if a man likes you or what his motives are. It's his job to communicate his feelings, and if he doesn't, keep moving until he does. (And if he doesn't, you won't have wasted time on him.)
As for being stood up, well, please believe me when I suggest that a guy's not showing has nothing (really; nothing) to do with you and everything to do with him. Does this make it any less disappointing?
Of course not.
But a guy who's too cowardly or self-involved or forgetful or drunk to show up for a date (or to pick up the phone and give you the courtesy of canceling it) makes lousy boyfriend material.
Be thankful he let you know it before you got involved with him.
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