Shortly after I moved to Connecticut, I read an article in the New York Times that claimed that New Englanders in general and Connecticut residents in particular did not welcome newcomers.
The article ran a rash of quotes by transplants who'd repeatedly been shunned. It made enough of a splash that my children's doctor, also a former New Yorker, mentioned it and said that he'd had similar experiences.
It has not been my experience.
After moving here, another former New Yorker invited me to join a wellness group that met at a friend's house. My first instinct was to say no. I had little interest in sitting around discussing the virtues of high colonics with a pack of bored housewives.
But I went. What I found was a fun, wine-drinking, engaging, intelligent group of women who later introduced me to other people like them. This led to invitations to amazing parties, nights out, connections, you name it.
I also joined Toastmasters. If you've been with me a while, you know I recommend this group to the shy folk (it helps build confidence!), but it's just great for anybody who wants to meet ambitious people with an interest in helping each other succeed. You're not going to meet a lot of losers at Toastmasters.
If you're stuck in a rut and meeting the same people day after day, shake it up. Take a chance. You know what? Maybe every single person you meet will already be married, but they may very well know somebody who isn't.
Widen your social circle, Make new friends of both sexes. One of these days, you will meet somebody special.
Five years ago, I didn't have a social life in Connecticut. Tonight I am having a party for 20 people. They all live in Connecticut, the state where supposedly it's impossible to make friends.
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query friends new york times. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query friends new york times. Sort by date Show all posts
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Monday, December 15, 2008
Attracting Men When You're Over 40
Hi Terry!
I am in my late 40s, never been married, and most of my friends are now married or in serious relationships, so my whole social group have almost instantly disappeared), and I am very social and used to having things to do every night). I work from home, so don't meet a lot of new people these days and most of my activities are not conducive to meeting men e.g. going to the gym to exercise classes which are all women etc.
I would love to be in a relationship, but my challenge is how to meet new/eligible/straight/unmarried men! I toyed a bit with on-line (although I may not have given it a fair try), but the guys on-line my age are looking for 20 year olds and even though I am a beautiful woman - I don't think that beauty comes across in my photos, so I don't think the on-line medium does me justice. I have a high level of education and I speak several languages and am looking for someone with an international perspective - sometimes I think it's where I live that limits me, but I talk to people in New York/ Washington, all over the country and world and it seems these men are few and far between.
So my question to you is -- if the on-line dating scene creeps me out (which it does) - what other avenues are there for being proactive in meeting decent men! As I said, I am far from shy and once in front of people can easily break the ice. It's just that I am not meeting them!! I never used to think age was an issue - but I guess in this situation maybe it is?
Looking forward to your perspective on this.
-M
Dear M.-
Yeah, a lot of guys in their 40s do look for younger women (just as more women in their 40s look for younger men), but, believe me, men who want to date a women their own age exist.
Some men really do prefer to date someone who was about their age in 1980; it gives makes them feel they have something in common, it makes it fun to reminisce, and it helps the woman fit in more easily with their friends.
Speaking of friends, when ours marry or become involved in serious relationships, a lot of them definitely disappear (very annoying, I know). The challenge is to always be meeting new people.
You're in the gym, and that's great. Are you making friends there? Who cares that they're all women? Make a friend and see where it leads. She may have a brother or a cousin or a co-worker who wants to meet a woman just like you. (Just don't drop her when you do meet someone special. We all need friends.)
You work from home. Is there a coffee place in your neighborhood where you could spread out with a newspaper and take a 45-minute break several times a week? The coffee places in my neighborhood tend to attract men with laptops. Become a regular. See who you meet.
Pick a night and go to a bookstore with a cafe. Choose some books, buy yourself a coffee, and hang out. The great thing about bookstores is that nobody will think you're weird if you're in there by yourself, and you're approachable if you're alone. Become a regular. If they have an open-mic night, be sure to go.
Find a friend and go to a high-end restaurant for drinks. In other words, go where educated men go, like a good steakhouse. (I know of one celebrated steakhouse that actually offers free drinks to women during certain hours; in other words, they get a lot of men hanging around, and they want more women.)
It's key that you go in there focused on enjoying your friend's company (avoid looking like you're on the make). Once in a while, splurge for dinner there. Become a regular. Treat the bartender well (once they get to know you, bartenders can be an excellent source of introductions).
Volunteering is a beautiful way to meet people, too. Try Volunteer Match or Habitat for Humanity.
Be a beacon of light wherever you go, whether it's to the supermarket or the dry cleaner or to the library (did I tell you the story about the ex-nun who met her very well-to-do husband when she worked as a clerk in a company library?). You never know who'll you'll meet, who'll see you, who'll know someone you'd like to know.
But, before you ever leave the house, it's important to know what you're looking for in a man, and I'm talking about more than just his looks and income. Look for honesty, a sense of humor, and generosity, for a start. Pull out a pen and write it down! Build that man in your imagination. Believe that he exists and is on his way to you.
While your beauty and education certainly have value, in the end you don't want to be loved for them. Embody the qualities you want in the man you attract (in other words, be the person you want to date).
You can't miss.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Twelve Springtime Tips for Meeting Men
Spring can be a brilliant time to meet new men. People are clicking off the remote and getting out of the house again. Here are 12 tips for meeting a guy who'll make you happy you clicked off yours:
1. Write a list of the qualities you don't want in a man (for good material, think about your old boyfriends).
2. Turn it around and write the qualities you do want.
3. Read this list three times a day. Visualize yourself with such a person. Bring up the emotions you'd feel being with him.
4. Go where men go. Become a regular face there. Sign up for sailing lessons or fishing trips. Show up at readings at your local bookstore. Spend Sunday afternoons enjoying a cocktail at an outdoor restaurant. Find something you like to do and do it. Become a regular. Much more important, become a friend.
(NOTE: This does not mean you should pretend to love fishing if you hate it; it means you should do things that you like to do -- or would like to try --that men tend to like to do.)
5. Dress appropriately. For instance, wear sportswear instead of low-cut dresses to sports bars. You'd be shocked how many smart women try to get attention by looking overly sexy, but they strike others as being 'on the make.' As a result, they attract guys on the make. Look pretty, but blend in with the crowd.
6. Avoid singles-only events. They draw creeps like ants to a picnic.
7. Accept invitations to family barbecues, christenings, and weddings. You never know when someone will bring along a new face. (I did tell you the one about the woman who met her future husband at her own sister's dinner table, didn't I? Her brother had brought along a new friend and romance ensued.) Do not allow yourself to be held hostage by smug married people who imply you're defective because you're single, or who yammer on endlessly about their children's achievements.
8. Spend time with old female friends and make new ones (women friends are a good source for making new men friends).
9. Get out of your car. Take mass transit. Walk. Wait on line for a bank teller instead of whizzing into the drive-thru.
10. Smile at people. Most humans (the ones worth getting to know, anyway) will smile back.
(NOTE: This tip doesn't always work in large urban areas like London or New York City, where you could be mistaken for a crazy person. It does work almost everywhere else.)
11. Learn to flirt. This does not mean batting your eyelashes like a big dummy. Women who are successful with men are not necessarily beautiful, but they do know how to talk to them.
12. Take a second job. If you like people and could use extra cash wait tables, preferably in a restaurant that caters to successful people. A friend of mine met her affluent husband this way. Fifteen years later, they have two children and two beautiful homes. (They're also wild about each other.) The musician Phil Lesh didn't end up with one of the thousands of fans he met during his career with the Grateful Dead. He married the waitress who served him breakfast in a coffee shop near his home (lest you fret that his wife still serves him, his autobiography mentions that Phil washes dishes and used to drive his children to school). He has been married for more than 20 years.
The world is full of wonderful men, so please do back away from Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels. Determine the qualities you want in your wonderful man. Bring him to life in your imagination. Then put yourself in places where you're likely to meet him.
1. Write a list of the qualities you don't want in a man (for good material, think about your old boyfriends).
2. Turn it around and write the qualities you do want.
3. Read this list three times a day. Visualize yourself with such a person. Bring up the emotions you'd feel being with him.
4. Go where men go. Become a regular face there. Sign up for sailing lessons or fishing trips. Show up at readings at your local bookstore. Spend Sunday afternoons enjoying a cocktail at an outdoor restaurant. Find something you like to do and do it. Become a regular. Much more important, become a friend.
(NOTE: This does not mean you should pretend to love fishing if you hate it; it means you should do things that you like to do -- or would like to try --that men tend to like to do.)
5. Dress appropriately. For instance, wear sportswear instead of low-cut dresses to sports bars. You'd be shocked how many smart women try to get attention by looking overly sexy, but they strike others as being 'on the make.' As a result, they attract guys on the make. Look pretty, but blend in with the crowd.
6. Avoid singles-only events. They draw creeps like ants to a picnic.
7. Accept invitations to family barbecues, christenings, and weddings. You never know when someone will bring along a new face. (I did tell you the one about the woman who met her future husband at her own sister's dinner table, didn't I? Her brother had brought along a new friend and romance ensued.) Do not allow yourself to be held hostage by smug married people who imply you're defective because you're single, or who yammer on endlessly about their children's achievements.
8. Spend time with old female friends and make new ones (women friends are a good source for making new men friends).
9. Get out of your car. Take mass transit. Walk. Wait on line for a bank teller instead of whizzing into the drive-thru.
10. Smile at people. Most humans (the ones worth getting to know, anyway) will smile back.
(NOTE: This tip doesn't always work in large urban areas like London or New York City, where you could be mistaken for a crazy person. It does work almost everywhere else.)
11. Learn to flirt. This does not mean batting your eyelashes like a big dummy. Women who are successful with men are not necessarily beautiful, but they do know how to talk to them.
12. Take a second job. If you like people and could use extra cash wait tables, preferably in a restaurant that caters to successful people. A friend of mine met her affluent husband this way. Fifteen years later, they have two children and two beautiful homes. (They're also wild about each other.) The musician Phil Lesh didn't end up with one of the thousands of fans he met during his career with the Grateful Dead. He married the waitress who served him breakfast in a coffee shop near his home (lest you fret that his wife still serves him, his autobiography mentions that Phil washes dishes and used to drive his children to school). He has been married for more than 20 years.
The world is full of wonderful men, so please do back away from Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels. Determine the qualities you want in your wonderful man. Bring him to life in your imagination. Then put yourself in places where you're likely to meet him.
Monday, March 05, 2007
How to Spot and Spurn a Dating Fool
Today reconfigured their website, so the link I referred to in the previous post isn't good, anymore. I can't seem to find the clip at the new url, either.
The New York Times ran a review of a seriously disturbing dating book for men yesterday. The book is called The Method, and it's written by a man who very bravely calls himself "Mystery."
According to The Times, the book advises losers--uh, I mean, men--to:
"Approach a group of women, having identified one of them as your target. Flirt with her friends. When she tries to speak, teasingly put her down (“negging”). After a bit, include her, and throw her a bone or two. [Mystery] calls these “IOI’s” — Indicators of Interest. But then, confuse her with a putdown or two — “IOD’s” (Indicators of Disinterest). If possible, enlist a “pivot” (a female conspirator) to make her jealous. Once you have her attention, subject her to rehearsed patter, then “bounce” her to another location to build “comfort.” Soon, you will be able to bounce her to your love lair."
Men who like, trust, and understand women never try this crap. The Method will become the bible for poor wankers who stay up past their bedtimes to watch Girls Gone Wild commercials on basic cable.
Attract a man who likes, trusts, and understands women.
The New York Times ran a review of a seriously disturbing dating book for men yesterday. The book is called The Method, and it's written by a man who very bravely calls himself "Mystery."
According to The Times, the book advises losers--uh, I mean, men--to:
"Approach a group of women, having identified one of them as your target. Flirt with her friends. When she tries to speak, teasingly put her down (“negging”). After a bit, include her, and throw her a bone or two. [Mystery] calls these “IOI’s” — Indicators of Interest. But then, confuse her with a putdown or two — “IOD’s” (Indicators of Disinterest). If possible, enlist a “pivot” (a female conspirator) to make her jealous. Once you have her attention, subject her to rehearsed patter, then “bounce” her to another location to build “comfort.” Soon, you will be able to bounce her to your love lair."
Men who like, trust, and understand women never try this crap. The Method will become the bible for poor wankers who stay up past their bedtimes to watch Girls Gone Wild commercials on basic cable.
Attract a man who likes, trusts, and understands women.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
What's Not Fun About Being Friends With Benefits?
According to an article in yesterday's New York Times, being friends with benefits has drawbacks. Read it here. In other news, this morning's Today Show featured a story about single guys in their 20s who've had vasectomies to ensure they don't ever end up wearing a backpack with a small human in it. Check out the video here.
Considering that some fathers of four in their forties fear submitting their tender bits to flinty untensils, I'd say these fellows are mighty brave.
Toby Byrum, the vasectomee interviewed for the Today piece, said that despite the fact that he's sterile, some women still think they can convince him to reproduce.
For some reason, I think it's probably not a good idea to try to persuade a guy who's gone to desperate lengths not to have children that he'd make a great father.
Considering that some fathers of four in their forties fear submitting their tender bits to flinty untensils, I'd say these fellows are mighty brave.
Toby Byrum, the vasectomee interviewed for the Today piece, said that despite the fact that he's sterile, some women still think they can convince him to reproduce.
For some reason, I think it's probably not a good idea to try to persuade a guy who's gone to desperate lengths not to have children that he'd make a great father.
Friday, June 04, 2010
He Says She's Not Serious Relationship Material
Hi Terry,
Great blog and some great advice. I'd love to hear your take on my present man dilemma.
Almost a year ago I met a man online. The attraction was instant and the chemistry great; we also had a lot of fun together and some great conversations. After a couple of weeks though he became uncomfortable with the difference in our ages. I am 13 years older than him (though I don't look it) and so we broke it off. He called a few times after, but I was not interested.
However, a month or so later I found myself thinking of him fondly and called him. Once again we instantly hit it off and began hanging out together, initially as friends. Gradually we moved further and further away from the friend zone. I asked him if he was now comfortable with the age difference and no, he didn't come right out and say "hey no problem," but he sure came close. And so we got intimate physically.
All was going swimmingly. He referred to me as the girl he was dating. He asked me to come on a business trip with him to New York (at the time I couldn't get away) and we began spending more time together. And then whammo! He pulled back. When I asked him what was up, he said he still wasn't comfortable with the age difference, so therefore wasn't sure this could be a SERIOUS relationship, that he needed some time to get used to the idea, that he was more comfortable with the age thing than he was previously, but not completely. I was completely taken by surprise and pretty rattled. But I tried to stay cool. However, to be honest, I failed completely. In truth I felt rejected.
A friend told me not to take it so personally that if things worked out between us this would eventually seem like no big deal.I tried. I really did. But it stung that he wasn't sure I was serious relationship material because of my age. I started second guessing all his actions and words. For me, the ease and good will that had always existed between us just crumpled under my own stress and scrutiny.
Eventually I broke up with him because I couldn't stand how insecure I was becoming.
I should add here that a few years back I went through a brutal and nasty divorce, and I have been very reticent about getting involved with anyone for some time. Part of me wonders if much of the failure of this relationship lies with my own demons. I have to wonder if I had been the "cool chick" would he have come to see us as a potential serious relationship. Or do you believe if a guy is unsure, that means, "not really all that into you," and he never will be?
Thanks.
Older But Obviously None The Wiser
Dear Quite Wise:
You write:
"Eventually I broke up with him because I couldn't stand how insecure I was becoming."
Seriously, do you have any idea how wise that is? If only more people would back away from a diminishing relationship instead of trying to hunt it down and tie it to a post, the world would be a happier place.
Another person in your situation would have lain awake at night devising plans to make this guy realize that YOU ARE THE ONE FOR HIM, AND HE CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!
Seriously, another person would have spent months and years on it. But you, no fool, realized that the situation was diminishing you. Despite the fact that you have feelings for the guy, you made the right choice and backed away.
I applaud you, and I respect you.
As for this man's reticence to get fully involved with a woman 13 years his senior, that's his thing. Ashton Kutcher and Katie Holmes notwithstanding, some people prefer to date people their own age. Let's give the guy credit for knowing what he wants (even if he seemed to change his mind for a bit).
I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your reluctance to get involved with another man after a "nasty" and "brutal" divorce. Even the easiest and most amicable divorces are difficult, and having endured a rough one cannot make the prospect of being contractually bound to another human (and regularly trusting him with your body, emotions, and finances) a wholly attractive prospect.
I do think a lot of your attraction for this guy stemmed from his reluctance to get seriously involved with an older woman. After what you've been through, you're likely to be attracted to fun men who excite you but cannot commit for whatever reason. On the surface this results in pain, but it also protects you from ever having to go through a "nasty" and "brutal" divorce again.
I guess my best advice (and I'm only licensed to drive, remember) is to ask yourself if it's possible for you to enjoy a relationship with a man who's completely into you, and then if it's possible to be happily married to a man who's utterly and completely into being married to you.
On some level, you may not believe such a relationship or marriage is possible for you. So go out of your way to prove yourself wrong.
It may help to look around for examples of happily married people. It may help to watch how they treat each other. It will definitely help if you can put yourself in such a marriage on a mental plane. For example, feel yourself in such a relationship. Visualize it. (If you need help with this, check out my ebook.)
Mentally putting yourself in that relationship could be tough at first; such a relationship hasn't been your experience, but if you keep it up (daily; preferably twice, once in the morning and again before you fall off to sleep), it'll start to feel real. At that point, you will probably notice a shift in your feelings about relationships, a certain ease.
If anxiety persists, I recommend you look into Emotional Freedom Technique, which helped me relieve an anxiety problem that persisted after the death of my mother. Otherwise, you might seek an excellent therapist who can help you overcome your understandable fears about getting involved with another person ever again.
Great blog and some great advice. I'd love to hear your take on my present man dilemma.
Almost a year ago I met a man online. The attraction was instant and the chemistry great; we also had a lot of fun together and some great conversations. After a couple of weeks though he became uncomfortable with the difference in our ages. I am 13 years older than him (though I don't look it) and so we broke it off. He called a few times after, but I was not interested.
However, a month or so later I found myself thinking of him fondly and called him. Once again we instantly hit it off and began hanging out together, initially as friends. Gradually we moved further and further away from the friend zone. I asked him if he was now comfortable with the age difference and no, he didn't come right out and say "hey no problem," but he sure came close. And so we got intimate physically.
All was going swimmingly. He referred to me as the girl he was dating. He asked me to come on a business trip with him to New York (at the time I couldn't get away) and we began spending more time together. And then whammo! He pulled back. When I asked him what was up, he said he still wasn't comfortable with the age difference, so therefore wasn't sure this could be a SERIOUS relationship, that he needed some time to get used to the idea, that he was more comfortable with the age thing than he was previously, but not completely. I was completely taken by surprise and pretty rattled. But I tried to stay cool. However, to be honest, I failed completely. In truth I felt rejected.
A friend told me not to take it so personally that if things worked out between us this would eventually seem like no big deal.I tried. I really did. But it stung that he wasn't sure I was serious relationship material because of my age. I started second guessing all his actions and words. For me, the ease and good will that had always existed between us just crumpled under my own stress and scrutiny.
Eventually I broke up with him because I couldn't stand how insecure I was becoming.
I should add here that a few years back I went through a brutal and nasty divorce, and I have been very reticent about getting involved with anyone for some time. Part of me wonders if much of the failure of this relationship lies with my own demons. I have to wonder if I had been the "cool chick" would he have come to see us as a potential serious relationship. Or do you believe if a guy is unsure, that means, "not really all that into you," and he never will be?
Thanks.
Older But Obviously None The Wiser
Dear Quite Wise:
You write:
"Eventually I broke up with him because I couldn't stand how insecure I was becoming."
Seriously, do you have any idea how wise that is? If only more people would back away from a diminishing relationship instead of trying to hunt it down and tie it to a post, the world would be a happier place.
Another person in your situation would have lain awake at night devising plans to make this guy realize that YOU ARE THE ONE FOR HIM, AND HE CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU!
Seriously, another person would have spent months and years on it. But you, no fool, realized that the situation was diminishing you. Despite the fact that you have feelings for the guy, you made the right choice and backed away.
I applaud you, and I respect you.
As for this man's reticence to get fully involved with a woman 13 years his senior, that's his thing. Ashton Kutcher and Katie Holmes notwithstanding, some people prefer to date people their own age. Let's give the guy credit for knowing what he wants (even if he seemed to change his mind for a bit).
I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your reluctance to get involved with another man after a "nasty" and "brutal" divorce. Even the easiest and most amicable divorces are difficult, and having endured a rough one cannot make the prospect of being contractually bound to another human (and regularly trusting him with your body, emotions, and finances) a wholly attractive prospect.
I do think a lot of your attraction for this guy stemmed from his reluctance to get seriously involved with an older woman. After what you've been through, you're likely to be attracted to fun men who excite you but cannot commit for whatever reason. On the surface this results in pain, but it also protects you from ever having to go through a "nasty" and "brutal" divorce again.
I guess my best advice (and I'm only licensed to drive, remember) is to ask yourself if it's possible for you to enjoy a relationship with a man who's completely into you, and then if it's possible to be happily married to a man who's utterly and completely into being married to you.
On some level, you may not believe such a relationship or marriage is possible for you. So go out of your way to prove yourself wrong.
It may help to look around for examples of happily married people. It may help to watch how they treat each other. It will definitely help if you can put yourself in such a marriage on a mental plane. For example, feel yourself in such a relationship. Visualize it. (If you need help with this, check out my ebook.)
Mentally putting yourself in that relationship could be tough at first; such a relationship hasn't been your experience, but if you keep it up (daily; preferably twice, once in the morning and again before you fall off to sleep), it'll start to feel real. At that point, you will probably notice a shift in your feelings about relationships, a certain ease.
If anxiety persists, I recommend you look into Emotional Freedom Technique, which helped me relieve an anxiety problem that persisted after the death of my mother. Otherwise, you might seek an excellent therapist who can help you overcome your understandable fears about getting involved with another person ever again.
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