Away From My Desk...

I'm in Manhattan visiting my sister and trying to keep an eye on her very active 4-year-old, so I won't post today.

At home, my Internet connection should be restored Friday morning (keeping my fingers crossed). Hope to post again then.

Sex and the Fledgling Relationship

Hi Terry!

I subscribe to your mails and was wondering what you thought of this blog post by a girl whose sense of love, life and everything I love and follow. She is a very popular blogger based out of NYC and New Zealand, and one of her recent blog posts talks about sleeping with a guy on the first date.

Especially when it comes to things like the law of attraction and my belief in it and things like what conception do you have of yourself, I feel what she says makes a lot of sense too. What do you think? I'll be interested to know.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Take care,
Keep My Name Out of It

Dear Keep-

Thanks so much for letting me know about this blogger and her take on sleeping with a guy on the first date. She's very funny, and she brings up an excellent point (that I should also have made in my recent email and didn't):

It's sexist and misguided to hold off on sex purely so that some guy will love or 'respect' you for it.

My feeling is that a man who would sleep with you but disrespect you for sleeping with him is a hypocrite and should be discarded immediately.

The important thing is that a woman not sleep with a guy because a) he's pushing it, or b) she thinks he expects it, or c) she thinks it will keep his interest.

She must be true to herself.

Now, I'm a bit of a germophobe, so I would be reluctant to sleep with a guy on the first date because I haven't had enough time to assess how frequently he showers, whether or not he washes his hands after he goes to the bathroom, if his hard drive is cluttered with questionable porn, or if he has any diseases.

See, I was at the OB/GYN not too long ago, and a sales rep floated in with a wheelie cart filled to the tippy-top of an 'as-seen-on-TV' herpes medication. When I got in to see my doctor, I asked her, "Are there really so many people afflicted with herpes that sales reps are passing out that number of samples?"

Her response?

"One out of five people have active lesions. Another percentage carry the virus and don't know it."

From a Law of Attraction standpoint, visualize and 'feel' yourself in your perfect relationship. Don't worry about sex. When that perfect relationship shows up, my hunch is your subconscious (which you're programming to work in your best interests) will show you the way to go.

I hope this helps, and thank you for helping me to further clarify my feelings on this matter.

Why He Didn't Call You Back

Just back from a day with my aunt, so check out this eye-opening Today segment with Dating Coach Rachel Greenwald, author of Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Twelve Springtime Tips for Meeting Men

Spring can be a brilliant time to meet new men. People are clicking off the remote and getting out of the house again. Here are 12 tips for meeting a guy who'll make you happy you clicked off yours:

1. Write a list of the qualities you don't want in a man (for good material, think about your old boyfriends).

2. Turn it around and write the qualities you do want.

3. Read this list three times a day. Visualize yourself with such a person. Bring up the emotions you'd feel being with him.

4. Go where men go. Become a regular face there. Sign up for sailing lessons or fishing trips. Show up at readings at your local bookstore. Spend Sunday afternoons enjoying a cocktail at an outdoor restaurant. Find something you like to do and do it. Become a regular. Much more important, become a friend.

(NOTE: This does not mean you should pretend to love fishing if you hate it; it means you should do things that you like to do -- or would like to try --that men tend to like to do.)

5. Dress appropriately. For instance, wear sportswear instead of low-cut dresses to sports bars. You'd be shocked how many smart women try to get attention by looking overly sexy, but they strike others as being 'on the make.' As a result, they attract guys on the make. Look pretty, but blend in with the crowd.

6. Avoid singles-only events. They draw creeps like ants to a picnic.

7. Accept invitations to family barbecues, christenings, and weddings. You never know when someone will bring along a new face. (I did tell you the one about the woman who met her future husband at her own sister's dinner table, didn't I? Her brother had brought along a new friend and romance ensued.) Do not allow yourself to be held hostage by smug married people who imply you're defective because you're single, or who yammer on endlessly about their children's achievements.

8. Spend time with old female friends and make new ones (women friends are a good source for making new men friends).

9. Get out of your car. Take mass transit. Walk. Wait on line for a bank teller instead of whizzing into the drive-thru.

10. Smile at people. Most humans (the ones worth getting to know, anyway) will smile back.

(NOTE: This tip doesn't always work in large urban areas like London or New York City, where you could be mistaken for a crazy person. It does work almost everywhere else.)

11. Learn to flirt. This does not mean batting your eyelashes like a big dummy. Women who are successful with men are not necessarily beautiful, but they do know how to talk to them.

12. Take a second job. If you like people and could use extra cash wait tables, preferably in a restaurant that caters to successful people. A friend of mine met her affluent husband this way. Fifteen years later, they have two children and two beautiful homes. (They're also wild about each other.) The musician Phil Lesh didn't end up with one of the thousands of fans he met during his career with the Grateful Dead. He married the waitress who served him breakfast in a coffee shop near his home (lest you fret that his wife still serves him, his autobiography mentions that Phil washes dishes and used to drive his children to school). He has been married for more than 20 years.

The world is full of wonderful men, so please do back away from Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels. Determine the qualities you want in your wonderful man. Bring him to life in your imagination. Then put yourself in places where you're likely to meet him.

"Over 90% of Attraction is Based on How You Feel About Yourself"

So says Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, who'll once again offer her popular Flirt School on April 18th in spectacular Shelton, Connecticut (well, we're hoping Shelton will be spectacular by April 18th. It's been a ridiculously long winter).

I've heard Ronnie speak. Not only does she give excellent tips for getting out and meeting people (and, more importantly, feeling comfortable doing it), she's highly humorous. So, you'll have a good time.

If you can't be in Connecticut on the 18th, check out Ronnie's book, MANifesting Mr. Right, where she tells how she met her Mr. Right after age 40, and how you can meet yours at any age.

If you can be in Connecticut (somebody really should offer me a job with the tourism office), here are the details:

Saturday, April 18th 9am - Noon Shelton, CT
Location information supplied with completed registration.

Early Bird Registration (before April 8th): $35
(Late registration: $45)
Includes Ronnie's book, MANifesting Mr. Right, or any audio program of your choice.

Register online here, or call Ronnie at 203-877-3777.

Get Your Ex Back

We all fall in love sometimes. And sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don't.

Sigh.

And when they don't, our minds tend to go into overdrive trying to figure out how to get the object of our affection to love us back. The Queen of Relationships offers sensible (and humorous) advice.

Read it here.

Raise Your Standards to Stop Attracting Substandard Men

Terry-

My boyfriend is very open with me and loves, as well as respects me. He treats me exceptionally well, and you can see he loves me. We spend a great deal of time together in pretty much one place - the sports bar.

We attend sporting events, and if we can find anything else to do, we will. I live with my parents and don't quite know where he lays his head now that he supposedly moved out of the house he shared with an ex-girlfriend. I decided it was time for me to have my own place to live and began my search. Just when I decided on the right apartment, I lost my job.

So now we are at a point where the need is still present for us to have a home to spend time in (his or mine), and neither of us have that. He knows where I live however, after we leave each other, I don't know where he goes to. I have dealt with it for a very long time, patiently waiting for him to tell me the things I know he hasn't said. I don't always want to be so patient. I don't know what to do.

-Waiting for Answers

Dear Waiting-

A couple of things stick out for me from your message. Here's one:

"I live with my parents and don't quite know where he lays his head now that he supposedly moved out of the house he shared with an ex-girlfriend."

The phrases that trouble me in that sentence are:

"...don't quite know where he" and "...supposedly moved out."

Here's another sentence that bothers me:

"I don't know where he goes to. I have dealt with it for a very long time, patiently waiting for him to tell me the things I know he hasn't said."

Now, I get it that he treats you extemely well when you're in the sports bar. He probably treats you as if you're the only woman on earth. When you're together, you're walking on air. You're absolutely tingling.

But when you're not together, you're walking around with giant question marks in your head:

WHERE DOES HE GO AFTER HE LEAVES ME?
WHERE DOES HE LIVE?
IS HIS EX STILL IN THE PICTURE?

You get scared. Then you get sad. Then you try to line up evidence to make your case that he does, indeed, love you. Then you get happy. And then you remember that you don't know where the hell he goes after he tells you goodnight. Yout get scared again. You can't sleep. You don't know what to do. You can't concentrate at work. You can't take it anymore.

And then you see him again, and everything's beautiful. The birds are singing, the stars are winking just for you.

You are on a roller coaster, and you must get off.

If you don't know where a man lives, you do not have a relationship (or, if you know where he lives, but he refuses to let you in, you do not have a relationship).

Right now, you are meeting a guy in a bar who seems to really, really, really like you. He may say he loves you and appears to be 'open' with you in every other way, but if he does not let you know where he lives, he is not being straight with you.

In other words, his words and actions are one big jumble.

I know you don't want who hear this (who does?), but here' s the good news. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

You deserve a guy who not only lets you know where he lives, he actually invites you there. He never makes you lie awake wondering about why he says one thing and then does another.

Stop torturing yourself. You say you don't know what to do, but I'll tell you what I would do.

I would stop going to that sports bar, and if that man called me to find out why, I'd tell him the truth: "I know where my friends live. I know where my family lives. I don't know where you live. I don't know where you go. I don't know very much about you at all."

Until a man's actions line up with his words, let this be your mantra: "I CAN DO BETTER."

Because you surely can (but only if you believe you can).

Terry

An Effective Way to Find Out If He's Interested

Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, author of Manifesting Mr. Right, says 'dropping the ball' is the best way to find out if a guy's interested. I agree, although for different reasons (she says it comes down to DNA; I think it comes down to human nature. Both men and women like a 'prize' -- something or someone -- they have to work a bit for).

Whatever. It works. Check out Ronnie's advice here.

I Love You, Man

I liked everybody in I Love You, Man, and nearly everything about I Love You, Man. I reviewed it for Single Women Rule here.

If you'd rather stay home and eat your own popcorn this weekend, check out Forgetting Sarah Marshall on DVD. Just keep the kiddies out.

Law of Attraction for Love, Marriage and Children

Dear Terry:

I find your book and your emails very inspiring. I know my Mr. Right is just around a corner, and I will definitely let you know when I meet him.

The list of qualities I would like in my future partner is quite reasonable. When you met your husband, did he have all the qualities you wanted in your future partner?

I also wanted to ask you a question about children. If I still want children (a bit later in life), should I include that in my list, writing and visualisations? Do you have any children yourself?

Look forward to your reply!

Regards,
S.

Dear S.-

My husband has all the qualities I visualized (honest, loyal, loving, reliable, successful, and fun). He's a great guy.

I want to be careful here and tell you that he's not exactly perfect. He sometimes listens to country music (which I loathe) and, for someone who never watched much prime time TV, has suddenly and inexplicably become addicted to the series, NCIS, starring Mark Harmon.

So while he has the qualities I consider non-negotiable, he's imperfect like me and the rest of us.

AS FOR CHILDREN...

Before we got married, I never did visualize them, but that certainly does not mean you can't. Just be sure to put them in a scene where you and your husband are taking care of them as a couple, still devoted to one another (God forbid you should become one of those poor, overwhelmed women you see lining up for TV makeovers).

In my case, I visualized (and experienced internally) the relationship I wanted with a man first. About a year and a half after we married, we talked about having children. At that point, I started visualizing one child (another person might visualize a houseful of children, but I started with just one).

In addition to visualization, I prayed* that our child would be healthy and leave the world better than she found it (although I never specified a sex). She was born about 13 months later. Around the time she turned nine months, I visualized and prayed for another child. Ten months later, at the age of 19 months, she had a sister.

Now, to be fair, I've never been diagnosed with any kind of fertility issue. Certainly many other people are not so lucky. But I did attend a seminar in Manhattan in 2004 where a woman who once had fertility problems claimed she'd become pregnant and brought a healthy baby to term after visualizing and "feeling" a baby in her arms on a regular basis.

I hope this fully answers your question.

I look forward to hearing from you when you meet your Mr. Right, so please do keep me posted. Thanks for writing.

* Prayer backed by faith, rather than begging, pleading, bargaining prayer, which is counterproductive.

And for the Slow People in the Crowd (That Would Be Me)...

If you're a longtime reader, you'll notice that I finally got with the program and added a FOLLOW button along the top right margin of this blog. So, if you're so inclined, please do click that button to get regular updates of Dating Advice (Almost) Daily delivered to your Blogger dashboard.

I'd like to thank fellow blogger Krissy Knox, who very generously (and painstakingly) pointed out the benefits of getting with said program.

If you take a look at her blog, you'll quickly come to the conclusion that she clearly has more important things to do than counsel clueless people like me.

You can also follow Krissy on Twitter.

Are Men Too Lazy in Relationships?

Not the good ones.

But according to a woman who wrote to Manslator Jeff Mac, men are definitely lazy, and she's had enough of it. She starts her query to him like this:

"This isn’t so much a request for a manslation, as much as it is just a few general questions. I’ve been reading your site for a few weeks now, browsing through archives and such (yeah, I really have nothing to do at work!)…and I’m diggin’ the advice you give. Now, obviously, as this is a MANslation website and women are coming to you with their male issues and how to address them, the scope of advice would be how to address a situation so that a male can “understand it” (I’ll refrain from using the term “man” considering that most males never really amount to more than little boys…real “men” are few and far between). "

Most men are nothing more than little boys?

Yikes.

Jeff gently disagrees with this misguided reader and tells her how to ensure that her experiences with men will improve in the future.

Click here to read his full response.

NY Times Reports Teenage Girls Backing Chris After Alleged Assault on Rihanna

And if that isn't sad, I don't know what is.

According to the story by Jan Hoffman,

"Even after they saw a photo of Rihanna’s bloodied, bruised face, which had raced across the Internet, [girls] still defended Mr. Brown. 'She probably made him mad for him to react like that,' the other ninth grader said. 'You know, like, bring it on?'”

Oy.

Time for yet another chat with my tween and teen (oh, I can just see the eyes rolling already).

Read the full story here.

If You're Tired All the Time

Several years ago, I did a radio show to promote How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams with Get Ready For Love Host Viveca Stone-Berry (that's V in the photo). Over a year later, she contacted me again to get my opinion on an ebook she was writing, Fatigue Be Gone.

I said I'd be glad to take a look. I had been tired a lot and recently discovered I suffered from high triglycerides and high LDL cholesterol. I couldn't understand any of this because I'd been careful about what I eat and exercised four to five times a week.

I put Fatigue Be Gone to work. I had another checkup coming up in a few months, and I wondered if Viveca's program would have any effect on my annoying cholesterol levels.

I came away with impressive results. My doctor informed me that my LDL and triglycerides had fallen to acceptable levels. Oh, and I lost five pounds pretty easily (but I didn't need a doctor to tell me that). I stopped feeling wiped out all the time.

Nice to see that Viveca's guide got a good review over at The Succulent Wife the other day.

If you're chronically tired, check it out. And why don't you read Viveca's wonderful love story, too, while you're at it?

His Ex Specializes in Harrassing Phone Calls

Terry,

I've been building a great relationship with a wonderful man over the past 6 months. On two occasions, we've run into his ex-girlfriend. This lady causes drama and chaos each time she sees us. She somehow found my phone number and after seeing us, she calls me repeatedly leaving foul threatening messages on my voicemail.

Neither he nor I know what to do to get her to stop. Can you offer some advice?

-Enough Already

Dear Enough-

This "lady' you describe is no lady at all.

First off, it's completely inappropriate (not to mention psycho and unattractive) for her to make a scene when she runs into you and your boyfriend. Furthermore, calling you repeatedly and leaving threatening messages is harrassment and could land her in serious trouble with the police.

The next time you or your boyfriend talk to her, warn her to knock it off, or you will report her to the police. If she doesn't back off, please do report her and ask an officer for specific advice on how to deal with her if she rears her scary head again.

Terry

I Met Him in a Bar

Hi Terry,

I have read your book and I love your emails. One detail that I have not read about and am very curious about is how you met your husband. How did you meet him? Where, what circumstances? Was it how you visualised it or different?

Look forward to your reply!

Regards,
S.

Hello, S.-

Thanks for the kind words.

I never actually visualized meeting my husband. I did regularly visualize the relationship (for instance, what a day with a person whose qualities I specified might look, smell, taste, feel, and sound like). I visualized dancing with him at our wedding, I also visualized dancing with him on our tenth and twentieth wedding anniversaries.

But I never actually visualized meeting him.

And when I did meet him, I was out with friends in a bar. He was friendly with some of my friends, and I thought he was attractive. He asked me out, and I immediately (no hesitation) said yes. The word just came out of my mouth.

And I instantly regretted it because I thought to myself, "He's cute, but you will have nothing in common with him. You idiot. What have you gotten yourself into?"

Then he asked me, "Great. What night are you free to have dinner?"

And I responded, "Wednesday."

I didn't mean throw him by saying I'd meet him on a weeknight, but I did, and I could see it. He later admitting to thinking I'd say, "Saturday," but I was at a point in my life where I wasn't going to throw a perfectly good weekend away on some guy when I could be out having a good time with my friends.

So, I was doing the techniques I describe regularly, and I was getting out of the house, but I was not going from place to place looking for Mr. Right. I was just out having fun. And what happened was I attracted Mr. Right.

If I hadn't been visualizing, I doubt he would have been attracted to me, and I also doubt that word "yes" would have left my mouth; I would have put him off because I would have screened him out as "cute but not my type."

Interestingly, we did go out for that Wednesday dinner and ended up having so much to talk about that we decided to extend the night and meet up with some friends afterwards. I ended up getting home much too late for a work night!

He asked me out again, and from then on, things went very smoothly. I had never had a relationship that went beyond nine months (and even then, it was extremely rocky) before I started dating him.

We've been together for years now.

In Some Relationships, There's Abuse and Then There's Abuse

Rihanna and Chris Brown are still big news here in the States.

Allegedly, Brown beat Rihanna, and she had to be had to be hospitalized. Now, according to reports, she's taken him back, and they're going to record a duet together.

It's dumbfounding. The girl's on top of the world (huge record sales, makes loads of money advertising products), and she's going to waste time with a guy who hit her?

While Brown's alleged treatment of his girlfriend is clearly abuse, a lot of times, women date men who hurt them in much subtler ways. These guys play head games, manipulate, cheat, tell the girlfriend she's "fat" or "ugly," and that nobody else will want her.

Other men try to separate girlfriends from friends and family in order to gain control over them. Some pester their girlfriends by cellphone, texting and calling constantly (even while they're at work, jeopardizing their jobs!), to keep tabs.

Other subtle forms of abuse: deliberately and repeatedly ogling other women, or comparing the girlfriend to other women in a way that demeans her and makes her feel insecure and unattractive. Still other ways include refusing to compliment her on her achievements, or to even notice them.

If you're in a relationship with a guy who repeatedly and deliberately makes you feel bad about yourself or tries to control you, tread carefully. This person may light you up every once in a while by assuring you how much he "needs" you and "loves" you, but his behavior has nothing to do with love.

Take a step back. Ask yourself, "Would I treat a person I love like this?" And then ask yourself, "Would a guy who genuinely loves a woman treat her like this?"

The correct answer is "no."

Here's the thing: You do not need a boyfriend like this. You will be better off on your own. Forget about not wanting to be single. You will be better off single.

Yes, the pressure to "be in a relationship" can sometimes be overwhelming. But, please know this: The only way you'll ever attract a man who'll love you properly is to love yourself first. And a woman who hangs around with a man who habitually hurts her doesn't love herself. She'd be better learning to love herself, be happily single, and open to meeting a man who will treat her well.

You're too smart to live your life looking over your shoulder.

She Turns Him On, and He Can't Take It

Hi Terry,

My "man issues" are different.

I met this great guy, and the chemistry's great. We started out well, but my problem is, he's cut me out because of the strong sexual attraction between us. He is afraid of giving in to it because of his religious beliefs and values.

He doesn't even want us to be friends, according to him, seeing me alone is a turn-on for him. So what do I do? I really like him and would love to have a relationship with him.

-Would Love

Dear Would Love-

Here's the thing: If you somehow convince him to embark on that relationship you desire, and he gives into the sexual attraction, he will eventually resent you for it.

He'll blame you for separating him from the values his parents and religion instilled in him. He will come to perceive you as some sort of enemy.

No, this isn't fair. He is attracted to you, and you are clearly attracted to him. It seems such a waste not to be able to be able enjoy a relationship that just seems right and natural, doesn't it?

You want him. He wants you. What's the problem?

But, for him, it's a problem. And God didn't put you on this planet to convince anyone that you and he are meant to be, and that everything will be fine in the long run.

Your best bet is to give the guy what he wants. (Yes, I know you don't want to hear this, but hear it.) He doesn't want your friendship. Well, fine. Walk away quietly and keep your head up.

Please remember: You're (obviously) attractive. There will be other men with whom you enjoy tingly chemistry. Let their gain be this other guy's loss.

Attracting Men When It Seems There Are No Men to Attract

Here's an excellent question a reader sent me last week:

"I know sometimes you respond to letters and was wondering if you would at some point talk about dating in a small town. I love your ideas and think that they are essential to dating, but I get a bit pessimistic about my chances of finding "the man of my dreams" in a town of my size. I meet a lot of people and travel, but I see my pool as pretty limited."

Here's my answer:

Definitely stop seeing your pool as limited. I don't care if you live in a town that consists of just you, a horse, and a post office.

We're going to work with the law of attraction here. We are NOT going to be dissuaded by specific population statistics of a particular town.

First step: Forget about the apparent shortage of men. We're going to pretend that the very air you breathe is bursting with men. You're tripping all over them.

Close your eyes.

Everywhere you go, you see men. What's that like? Bring this image to life in your imagination.

See handsome men. Successful men. Honest men. Funny men. They're stepping aside and opening doors for you.

How does that feel?

Next step: Which of these men appeals to you most? Write down a list of his qualities. Is he honest, loyal, loving, reliable, successful, and fun? (Those were qualities from MY list, but please fill in the ones that matter to YOU.) Is he handsome?

Are you attracted to him? What does that feel like?

Is he attracted to you? What does that feel like? (Feel it in your solar plexus.) Look like? (Man, he looks good coming toward you in that pair of jeans.) Smell like?(He's holding you. Smell the soap in his shirt.) Taste like? (His kiss, or a meal you're enjoying together.)

Again, we're working with the law of attraction here. It works.

It's key to bring this man to life in your imagination twice daily. Please don't do it once and mutter a week later, "It didn't work." Keep up your visualizations. They're critical to your success.

After a while, your subconscious will nudge you: Go here. Do this.

In addition to visualization, you might look into Plentyoffish.com, a free online dating service that a couple of people I know have had success with. You can key in your zip code (or a neighboring zip code) and see if anybody interesting comes up.

But I recommend that you use it-- or any other dating service--only after you've been visualizing (in other words, actively attracting) for a while.

Putting yourself in situations where you can meet new men helps,
but it's less important than visualization.

Here's an email I received from another reader last Thursday (March 5th):

"...like the reader you mentioned in [a previous email], because of you I am getting married to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. Our wedding is in two months. We met shortly after I tried your visualization techniques and I couldn't be happier with the results. Unlike the previous reader though, I want to continue to read your emails because it helps me to pass on this valuable advice to other women. Also, I want to use the techniques for other things like losing weight, buying a house that's just right for us, etc."

This email made my day. Thanks so much to this reader for sharing
her good news!

Come On, Rihanna -- Just Walk Away!

"If a man hits you once, he will hit you again."
-Oprah Winfrey

Oprah's right about this, of course. My husband is right, too. He tells my daughters, "If a man hits you, he doesn't love you. He hates you."

And now Rihanna, a pretty, talented, once-hugely successful pop star, has -- according to reports -- resumed her relationship with the jackass who allegedly bashed her face in.

I'm praying that Rihanna walks away from this guy, that she asks herself where she wants to be five years from now. Maybe she'd like to still be on the top of the charts, making tons of money through endorsement deals, and in a happy relationship with a fun and gentle man who thrills her and doesn't receive lengthy text messages from other women.

It sure beats losing the respect of her fans (not because she was victimized but because she returned to her abuser), losing endorsement deals, and dodging the blows of a so-called boyfriend who thinks he can do anything he damn well pleases.

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