Are You Riding Someone Else's Rollercoaster?

Has this ever happened to you?

You became emotionally invested in somebody else's plan. They had an idea, got you excited about it, and then suddenly changed course and dropped it.

It's happened to me.

It happened with a man I dated ("Let's get married!" And then, a month later, "I'm not ready to get married.") It happened at work ("We're going to build a new department and make you head of it," and then two months later, "Um, we're sorry. It's not in the budget.")

Here's another scenario: You make your shoulder available to a friend whose husband mistreats her. You're angry about the situation. You think about it when you're in the shower. And then she announces she's leaving him. You're thrilled. You go out for a drink to celebrate.

You're glad you made time for her. You're delighted you're going to see her happy for a change.

And then she calls you to tell you she's back with the almost-ex. He's sorry. They've worked things out. As a matter of fact, they're going away for a romantic weekend. And besides, she doesn't want to be single again.

You hang up the phone, feeling like you've been slammed to the cement. And you have been. Because you have been riding someone else's roller coaster.

This expression, "riding someone else's rollercoaster," is not mine. It's what my friend, Ronnie Ann Ryan, dating coach and author of Manifesting Mr. Right, says you're doing when you allow your life to be taken over by someone else's emotional drama.

Now, it's important to be supportive and a good friend, employee, girlfriend. Definitely. If a friend is stuck in an abusive marriage, it's important to do what you can to help.

But once she indicates she won't be helped, it's time to back away. You can't make her leave her husband. It's time to focus on your life for a change.

Same with the yay-marriage/nay-marriage guy. At some point, you can't let his emotional struggle take over your life. You have to make yourself available for other people and other opportunities.

And when your boss pulls the rug from under you, it could be time to get your resume together and start looking for a better boss.

One of my biggest weaknesses used to be not recognizing when to walk away from an unwinnable situation and letting it shipwreck my happiness. I've gotten much better at it.

When you find yourself riding someone else's rollercoaster, disembark immediately. Then get on a better ride: Your own.

A Guy's Take on Getting Married

And it's a good one. I especially like the bit about who's cleaning the toilets.

The guy may be a "Dumb Little Man," but he sure isn't stupid.

Does He Love Her?

Hi, Terry-

I need your advice. Do you think I'm desperate when I'm saying now I'm mature, and I want a steady relationship, have a child and get married?

The problem is I don't think my boyfriend is ready. He's always busy at work, doesn't call or calls only when he feels the need to do so. Do you think he loves me? Please help.

-Needing Clarification

Hello, Clarification-

Here's the good news: You know what you want, and it does not make you desperate.

Let's look at it this way: When you get up in the morning, you may say to yourself, "I want a cup of coffee."

You know what you want, and you get it. You probably don't go to the coffee counter and ask for a glass of tomato juice. So the first step in getting what you want is knowing what you want. Sounds simple, eh?

But here's where it gets complicated: You say you're ready to get married, but you're pinning your hopes on some guy who doesn't even call you half the time. The guy is a glass of tomato juice.

I don't know if he loves you, but it seems to me there are more attentive men in the world, and you would do well to set your sights on one of them. Getting married and being married is fun only if you're doing it with the right person. A person who is too busy at work or only calls when it suits him may very well not be that person.

Having a child will exact physical, emotional, and mental demands on you, and you deserve a hands-on partner who's not going to treat the kid as some sort of a hobby he gets around to in free moments.

Congratulations to you on discovering that you are ready for marriage and children. Please write out exactly what qualities you'd like in the man who decides to join you on this journey. This way, you'll recognize him when you see him.

Most important, don't tell yourself that convincing your current boyfriend to marry you is your only hope for love and happiness. Continue to see him if you must, but definitely keep your eyes peeled for much better opportunities.

Is This Guy for Real?

Dear Terry:

I've been seeing a 33-year-old man who has a demanding job on Wall Street. He's everything I ever wanted. He's tall and handsome, confident, makes a lot of money, makes me laugh, and says he is so attracted to me. (He says this a lot. Sometimes he says he can't believe how attracted he is to me.)

As for me, he's like my kryptonite. I lay eyes on him and go weak at the knees.

Once or twice a week when he isn't traveling (he travels for his job several times a month), he comes to my apartment for dinner. Says I'm a great cook, which thrills me to no end. I can put together a gourmet meal out of scraps from the refrigerator.

The problem is, we always spend time at my place. Even though he lives near me, I have never, ever been invited to his. Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner, I made a joke to see if he'd invite me to his house or at least indicate why I haven't been there.

(Just so you know: He is NOT married. I went to school with his sisters.)

He changed the subject immediately. A day or two later, he came back and asked me to accompany him on a business trip to Cincinnati. It sounded all very romantic, until I got there and found myself spending most of the day by myself (I walked around and discovered that Cincinnati is full of the same chain stores selling the same junk as the stores in New York. Oh, boy!)

Nights were spent waiting for him to get back from dinner with someone or other. I went out for Chinese by myself one night. I ordered room service the next and hung around all night in this little box of a room fiddling with a TV remote (that was tethered to the wall), only to end up watching Sex & the City reruns I've already seen 16 times.

I came close to crying, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to be a baby about it. After all, the guy was on a business trip and had to work.

Would like your perspective on this, Terry. I am crazy about this guy. I want to marry him. He seems crazy about me, but the thing that bothers me most is that he won't let me in his house.

Do you think I'm overreacting?

-On the Doorstep
-------------------------------

Dear Doorstep-

Overreacting? Not exactly.

I think a better question would be, "Why do you automatically assume you're overreacting when you're frustrated that your boyfriend won't let you near his house?"

If a man is in good emotional health and is truly interested in you, he tends to want you to see where he lives. Unless, of course, it's infested with killer bees.

Okay, he's handsome and works on Wall Street. I get the attraction. But how great is his job? Why does his company put him up in hotels that chain remote controls to the wall, for instance?

In my experience companies tend to put employees in hotels that cater to business travelers, not in $99/night family specials.

Something's not quite right here.

Now, about your cooking. Does this man ever take you out to dinner? If you're providing all the meals, he's taking advantage of you. Also, the adage "The way to a man's heart is through is stomach" is not always true.

Sometimes you just get a guy who wants a free meal and somebody to listen to his problems.

This bit in your letter really got me: "Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner..."

Forgive me while I go "all Terry" on you, but if you cook for the man, the least he can do is clean up, as in lift dish, bring to sink, turn on faucet, wash, rinse, dry, put away.

You cook. He cleans. He cooks. You clean.

A relationship is give and take, and I don't see this man doing anything other than taking. I wish I had the magic words to make you forget about him.

So far, you've provided everything for him, and he's doing precious little for you. He took you on a trip his company paid for. He won't let you into his house.

You deserve better than this.

The next time he calls, tell him you're busy but can meet him somewhere for an hour. Suggest a restaurant. See what he says. If he gives you a hard time, get rid of him.

If he meets you for the meal, let him pay, thank him and say goodnight (keep it to an hour; don't let all wobbly and take him back to your house).

Then, the next time he calls, tell him you'll meet him at HIS house.

If he gives you a hard time, tell him you've developed serious reservations about getting any more involved with a person who doesn't want you in his living space.

After all, this is your life we're talking about.

-Terry

Jon Stewart on John Edwards.

The Daily Show puts a formerly revered politician's "mistake" in perspective:

Busted Talking to the Old Girlfriend

Hi, Terry!

Each week I receive your emails, and I love to read them. They are full of great advice and great insight. I need some advice.

My boyfriend and I are back together after a heartbreaking separation, and I´m happy about it. We have a good relationship, however, some old patterns and issues have come to the scene again. I don´t like that he is not expressive and that he doesn´t tell me important things that could affect our relationship.

Yesterday, I was at his apartment sharing time with him, when the phone rang. He answered the phone and greeted someone. After the first call, he took a second call. After he hung up, I casually asked who it was and he told me it was his father. Then I asked him who called him first and he told me that it was a female friend from work who wanted some advice from him. And I said “oh, ok”.

I didn´t say anything afterwards and kept doing my business at the couch with my laptop. I felt a surge of energy in my body of anger and jealousy, but I kept that to myself as I didn´t want to express those emotions uncontrollably and wanted to give myself time to think a better way to approach the situation.

Today, he visited me, and we started talking casually about my need of having a better communication with him and bulding trust between the two of us. I told him that when that girl called him I felt insecure as I wondered if she was the girl which he had slept with for many months before coming back to me.

When I asked for the truth, he told me that I was correct. I felt extremely upset and disappointed. I felt cheated. I didn´t know that he was still in contact with her and that they were still “friends” according to him. If I hadn´t been at his apartment yesterday night, I would not have known that my boyfriend is still in contact with that girl in a friendly way as he would not have told me.

I love this man and I know in my heart that he loves me, but I don´t know what to do. I am very concerned about not telling me this kind of things. He is very secretive about these things, and if I don´t find out by myself, he probably won´t tell me. He tells me that he has been loyal to me since he is with me and I believe him, but I feel extremely upset of him being in contact with this girl who was his lover and hiding this truth for me. I know he has to see her as they work at the same place, but I´m concerned that it is not a work relationship. I feel cheated and not respected even if I know he is not sleeping with her.

I know you have great insights, Terry, and I would like with all my heart to give some advice about how to handle this situation and if I truly be concerned about him not telling me he is still in contact with an ex.. Please help me. Your advice would be great, Terry.

-A Reader in Mexico

Hello, Mexico-

You were right to give yourself time to figure out how to approach this situation. (Many people, had they been in your place, would just fly off the handle.)

The good news is that your boyfriend told you the truth: He was speaking to the ex-girlfriend.

The bad news is that he didn't tell you straight-out the first time you asked him.

I don't know your boyfriend, but I think you're wise to follow your instincts. You say that you know in your heart that he does love you. If this isn't enough, ask yourself, is he usually truthful with you and with other people? Liars lie all over the place: To bosses, coworkers, friends, and, especially, you. How easily does he lie? How often?

He may have told you at first that he was speaking to a "female friend" at work instead of the ex because he feared how you'd react. We may or may not be able to give him a pass here. It depends on the question I've already posed: How much of a liar is he?

If you determine that he's worthy of your trust, you can encourage him to open more by not overreacting when he says something (and you certainly didn't in this instance; you handled the whole thing very well). He may start to open up a bit, or he may not.

Some people feel a need to express every single thought out loud. Other people don't (because it's not their nature, or they're shy, or they're afraid of boring you or looking silly).

As long as misunderstandings don't result, you should be okay. You say that he sometimes doesn't express things that could affect your relationship. Well, in that case, it's certainly okay to ask him directly, as you did after he got on the phone with the ex.

As long as he gives you a straight answer, I wouldn't worry about it.

He Wasn't What I Thought He Was

I was a big fan of John Edwards, the former presidential candidate who last week admitted to cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. When the news broke about the affair, I was devastated.

I'd bought into the whole Edwards family story, the details they shared with us about how John and Elizabeth celebrated all their wedding anniversaries at Wendy's, how they leaned on each other after the tragedy of their son's death, how Elizabeth stoically kept the news of her breast cancer away from John until all the numbers came in after the 2004 election.

I really, really liked John Edwards. I voted for him in the primary in 2004. After he lost and was cast as John Kerry's running mate, I voted for him, too. I went to the primary in February of this year downhearted that I couldn't vote for Edwards in this election; he'd dropped out of the race a day or two earlier.

And now this...

It's bad enough he cheated on his wife, who I imagine after all her physical and emotional trials, could shatter like thin glass. But he also cheated on all of us who believed in him, who defended him when cynics called him "Breck Girl" and questioned the right of a former mill worker's son to indulge in pricey haircuts and live in an extravagant home. He cheated on the working class people who sent him money in the hopes of seeing him making good on his promise to restore the Land of Opportunity to the increasingly less fortunate.

My friend tells me it's only Americans who get hung up on the sex lives of politicians, and I know she's right. I mean, Clinton didn't bother me. I knew what I was getting when I voted for him. I just wanted a president who could get the job done.

But this guy, Edwards, is different. He sold us a fairy story. I don't know whether I'm madder at him or at myself that I bought it.

Single Women Rule

I'm very excited to announce that Keysha Whitaker, founder of Eve's Society, the international organization for unmarried women of all ages, has asked me to come on board to promote the message that 'single is good.' (I strive to instill it in my two young daughters!)

Eve's Society's mission is to help make single women's personal and professional lives successful.

Membership is free and entitles you to:

-Take advantage of a growing list of store and service discounts

-Post your personal and professional accomplishments (and include
the link to your website)

-Access Eve's Society's international member network.

I'm most excited about the growing international member list. You've heard the maxim: "It's not WHAT you know; it's WHO you know."

Who knows what opportunities will arise -- and who you'll meet -- when you have access to other bright, success-oriented, self-respecting single women like yourself?

Check out Eve's Society here:

Is It Just Me? Or Is This Article Really Offensive?

The tone of this article published in The New York Daily News the other day really bugged me.

I particularly object to the use of the phrases, "nab a guy," "landing a guy," "competition is heavy," "better your odds," and, "Keep your chin up, Ladies" (which really should be "Keep your chins up, Ladies," don't you think?).

I hate this media b.s. designed to cause unnecessary desperation among women. Desperation leads to bad decisions, and I hate to see any woman "landing" the wrong freaking man.

Better single and happy than married and miserable, I always say.

She Thinks She's Ready to Meet a Man

Dear Terry,

I have been receiving emails from you and have learned a lot. I would be happier, though, if I could finally apply them to my life. I have stopped dating for almost four years already since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I've already forgotten all about my ex and have forgiven him. I guess I'm just too busy to go out and meet new male friends.

About two weeks ago, I decided to join an international dating site. It was fun at first--sending interests to men who I found attractive and receiving interests and mails from men 50 years old and above (I have included in my profile that I prefer men between the age of 30 and 41). By the way, I'm turning 32 two days from now. Only 3 or 4 of those interested in me are within my age preference, the rest (15 or more) are almost my mother's age.

How can I attract men on that website within my preferred age bracket? Could you also help me or give some tips on how to sustain the interest of those who have expressed their interest in me? I have received a couple of mails from men who I also find attractive. They said that they liked my profile and they find me cute, as I have posted 3 photos there. And then I replied to their mails and have not heard from them since.

Any help from you will be appreciated.

Thanks for reading this. Good luck and God bless.

Regards,
P.

Hello, P.

Happy 32nd birthday! I hope you did something fun.

Okay, you say you haven't dated in four years (after a breakup with a guy you've already "forgotten" and "forgiven"). Did it take you four years to get over that relationship? It's possible you're truly over the ex, but are you really over the pain of the breakup?

I ask because I wonder if you're avoiding relationships altogether on a subconscious level. You mentioned you've been "too busy" to make new male friends.

And now, when you do get around to meeting new men, you choose to do it on an international dating site. Not a local dating site. An international dating site. This implies that the men you connect with would live very far away. It would take some doing to fit them into your already busy life. You might not have to ever see them at all!

A lot of women who can't ever manage to meet the right guy suffer from mighty fears about relationships. They are attracted to -- and they attract--men with similar fears (men who won't commit). Or they don't attract anyone at all.

Ask yourself what scares you about relationships. Write a list. I imagine getting hurt again would be number one, and this is perfectly natural. Ask yourself what's the worst thing that would happen your fears came true. Could you handle it?

If so, stop making excuses and get out of the house. Get out of the office. Go where men your age go: Baseball games, restaurants, bookstores, open mic nights in coffee shops, sports bars. Volunteer for an organization where men tend to volunteer, like Habitat for Humanity.

To keep a man's interest, be yourself. Don't sit by the phone waiting for his call. Stay focused on your own life. See your friends. Be available but not overly available.

Just as we women like to think we're getting a prize in the men we date, men like to think they're getting a prize in us, too. Be a prize.

Good luck, P. I wish you every happiness in the world.

Terry

Divorced With a Kid: Can She Really Find Love?

Hello Terry,

I met a guy online two weeks ago.

We went out on our first meeting and hit off really well. We had a lot to drink, and we were hammered. We ended up lying in bed; we didn't have sex the first night.

He has been messaging every morning, lunch, dinner time and before he goes to bed. We've met each other for dinner about three times since our first meeting two weeks ago, and we communicate via IMs throughout the day.

He has even suggested coinciding his work travel schedule with mine, so that we can be in the same city for a few days.

He is an incredibly eligible single bachelor with a great job, while I have high flying career and by most standards a very attractive woman. I am recently divorced with a 4 year old daughter.

I am skeptical that a guy like him could possibly fall for someone like me, with a scarred life and baggage.

The chemistry feels right, and I have not felt so terribly happy since my separation with my ex-husband and the many unstable relationships over the years.

Somehow I feel this is too good to be happening to a girl like me. I question if he is genuinely interested in me or could I be an easy target since I am divorced and perhaps lonely.

I want to know what he thinks, but I feel that it is too soon to ask or even talk about a relationship. It might really scare him off.

How can I really know? Are there subtle ways to find out?

-Wondering

Dear Wondering,

While I happen to enjoy a good beer (or several), getting hammered on a first date raises a yellow flag. Do you have to drink to have a good time? Does he? Do all your dates involve alcohol?

If so, it could signal a problem.

This comment of yours also concerns me:

"Somehow I feel this is too good to be happening to a girl like me. I question if he is genuinely interested in me or could I be an easy target since I am divorced and perhaps lonely."

Now, why is inconceivable that a good thing could happen to a girl like you? So, you're divorced with a kid. So are a lot of people. You're attractive and have a great job. A lot of people aren't and don't, and they still manage to attract men who will stand on their heads to be with them.

The guy seems to want to spend time with you. That's great! Okay, there's no shortage of jerks who will use women for their own purposes, but there's also no shortage of great guys who want to fall in love and spend their life with one special woman.

How do you figure out which category this new man falls into?

You take your time. You continue to focus on your job and your child and your friends and the books you like to read. You do not allow this new relationship to drag you out to sea. You make yourself available to get to know this man better, but you don't break plans with other people or let go of other responsibilities to do so.

You maintain a wait-and-see attitude. You tell yourself, "Maybe this is the right guy for me, and maybe he isn't." You let him show you. You listen to him when he speaks. You watch his eyes. You make sure that his words match up with his actions.

You're always kind, considerate, and charming, but at no point do you ask yourself, "What do I do to prove to this guy that I'm the right woman for him?"

Above all, always keep in mind that you are an attractive woman with plenty to offer. Make a list of your very best qualities and remind yourself that a man would be lucky to have you.

If you happen to possess any qualities that cause you to devalue yourself, today is the day to decide to replace them with better ones. Again, use a pen and paper and put your lesser qualities on paper. How can you turn them around?

In the meantime, if you find all the IMing distracting, limit it to once or twice a day. It's flattering to be contacted constantly by an attractive man, but it's not going to help you keep things in perspective.

This guy may turn out to be the man of your dreams, or he may not. Either way, know that you're an attractive, sought-after woman. The fact that you're divorced and have a child doesn't change that. Be open to the possibility that a man can and will love you just as you are.

You deserve that much.

The Biggest Mistake of Her Life

Doesn't it kill you when you see someone flouncing into a bad situation with a smile on her face, and nobody can stop her?

A young, smart, ambitious, attractive undergrad we know has gotten engaged to a guy her age. In the plus column, he's good-looking and has a trust fund. In the minus column, he's prone to violence (and loves to brag that if "another guy even looks at my girlfriend, I'll rearrange his face!"). He doesn't go to school, doesn't have a job, and he usually sleeps until 2PM.

Did I mention he's good-looking and has a trust fund?

And while the young woman's mother is desperately trying to jam the breaks on this wedding locomotive, the guy's mother is hitting the gas. We suspect she figures that a goal-oriented wife (who's working toward a doctorate) will derail her son from the track he's riding to loserdom.

She has offered to buy the couple a house. She wants to pay for the wedding. She has taken the poor lamb she intends to sacrifice to her son to look for not one but two wedding dresses (the trend, she insists, is to buy one dress for the wedding and another to wear to the reception).

Red flags are flying all over the place.

But the impressionable young woman doesn't see them. I asked her worried mother why she's so eager to get married before she's had a chance to achieve her dreams. "She wants to be a grown-up. She's also caught up the fairy tale of being a princess for a day."

Unfortunately, the fairy tale doesn't even last a whole day. It really lasts about six hours. After that, this poor kid will be legally bound to an anger-prone sluggard whose mother has bought and sold her.

If she tries to keep things interesting by introducing a child into the equation, things will just get worse. If she can't get the guy out of bed to find a job, she's not going to get him to change diapers. The responsibilities of parenthood may squash her plans to earn a doctorate.

I wish women would stop buying into wedding industry propaganda and keep their eyes on bigger prizes:

1) Careers that pay handsomely and make use of their talents

2) Men who love them and take pride in their successes.

Women need to remember that realizing their ambitions is crucial to their physical, emotional, and mental health. Marrying the wrong man for the wrong reasons is the surest route to a lifetime of being depressed and powerless.

Does Father Trouble Always Lead to Man Trouble?

Dear Terry,

While reading the post about the Catholic priest who offered dating advice, I thought of my ex husband, my father, and my now boyfriend, and then I thought about myself. Then I wished that someone would have had this talk with me when I was in high school. It has very good points.

1.My ex-husband was a fibber, secretive and a control freak.

2.My father is an abusive man. This may be the very reason why I live in California and my family stays in Michigan. He has fits of rage, is a control freak, envious, hurtful male chauvinist. I am a computer analyst, and he still thinks I am unable of understand the mechanics of society.

3.My boyfriend is a kind, patient, sometimes forgetful, but always sweet man.

I am a survivor of my father abuse, and even though I would have to say that I will be respectful of him as my father.

Does this limit my chances of having a normal married life?

I failed once before, but in my defense I was in the military and we were very young and wanted to stay together. His father warned me about his bad ways and I choose to ignore them. Just a horrible situation.

I know my parents were very questionable as parents. Luckily for them, I was a hearty and headstrong child or otherwise because of poor parenting I might've ended up dead. Like left to survive in the aisles of Kmart. I also know that even that my dad was never dad of the year he had tried the best he was capable of and his opinion about my success has no effect of who I really I am.

So what if you had shite parents? But you ended up a good person and pretty normal? And if you had made a mistake in the past, but now have figured out what went wrong and you are trying to make your life better? Does this mean that you will be capable of having a loving and meaningful marriage or are you instantly ex'ed out because of abuse?

Love your blog.

~M.

Hi, M.-

Thanks for writing and for the kind comments.

I truly believe that you can enjoy a healthy marriage, even if you did have "shite parents," as you say. (Love that!) The fact that you seem happy with your current boyfriend indicates you're definitely making progress toward better circumstances.

As you know, I'm no psychologist, but it stands to reason that if the people who brought you into the world, the people God entrusted to love, guide, and encourage you failed on some front, you could go through life attracting similarly disappointing relationships.

Until you make a conscious effort to do otherwise.

You realize your father's limitations, and you still respect him because he's your father, and that says a lot about you. You're willing to move on and forgive. Another person would be grousing about how life sucks, and then you die, and how all men are the same. But not you.

The fact that you know exactly what you don't like about your father and some of the other men in your life means you can figure out what you do like in men and attract it. It helps to write a list and mentally put yourself in that relationship. If you visualize and conjure the feeling of being beloved and keep it with you, you will be amazed how it will eventually take shape in your real life.

It also helps to list what you disliked about your parents' relationship and about the marriages of other people you know. Then "put yourself" in a relationship with the opposite qualities. The trick here is to feel yourself in that relationship. Bring it to life with your emotions.

It's key to love yourself, as well, and you can do this through the consistent use of affirmations:

"I, M., deeply and completely love and accept myself."

Louise Hay, who has helped thousands of people turn their lives around through the power of self-love, recommends you use a similar affirmation about 25 times a day.

Saying it out loud while looking at yourself in a mirror is especially powerful. It will feel weird, silly, and embarrassing at first, but how many times do you look in the mirror and tell yourself you hate your hair or some feature of your face? Why do we consider that perfectly normal behavior?

Some people will scoff and dismiss visualization and affirmation as hocus-pocus, but they tend to be the same people who've never tried it (or who've tried it once or twice and then forgotten about it).

Let me repeat: I definitely believe that you're capable of enjoying a happy and healthy marriage. What's more, you deserve it.

He Won't Marry Her, and She's Embarrassed

Dear Terry:

Thanks for your recent [email] articles about ultimatums and commitment. I have a special situation. I'm almost 30 and have been with a guy I'm crazy about for 2 1/2 years. We spend most of our free time together, our families like each other, etc.

My problem is, he says he's not ready to get married. He's 32, has a good job, nice apartment, and so on. His refusal to move our relationship to the next level can be embarrassing. We went to his cousin's wedding last year, and one of his other cousins blurted out (while taking a photo), "And there's S (me), still trying to get a ring out of J (my boyfriend)"

I was humiliated beyond belief.

My boyfriend's mother loves me, has shown me jewelry she'll pass on to me one day. She says she knows her boy, and that I should be patient. She knows he'll come around.

But I'm tired of waiting. And next year, we'll be going to three weddings, my cousin's, his friendfrom college, and --worst of all--his younger sister's.

Everytime I think of going to his sister's wedding and being looked over by his relatives, I want to cry. She didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid, so I won't even be in the family photos even though I've been on vacation with the family, and I've spent every Christmas and Easter with them.

Believe it or not, I am intelligent and have a job I love.

Any advice?

-S.

Dear S.-

First off, I can tell that you're intelligent by the way you've described the situation. Second, thank goodness you have a job you love because it's actually going to help you here.

Right now, I imagine you're walking around with a pain in your chest and stomach, especially when you think about your boyfriend's sister's wedding. You might feel that your future-- YOUR LIFE--is in the hands of another person who is unwilling to give you what you want.

You feel bad, so I'm going to ask you: What would make you feel good?

-Feeling in control?
-Feeling at peace?
-Feeling loved by a man who is free and ready to love
you without excuses or limitations?

How would that feel? How would it feel in your chest and in your stomach? Warm? Light? Cheerful?

Please write down the emotions you'd feel if you were in this new situation. Imagine the arms of a man (a generic man, not your current man) you love around your waist. "Feel" yourself dancing with him.

I'm going to ask you to bring this scene to life in your imagination before you get out of bed in the morning and after you put your head on the pillow at night. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

You are employing the law of attraction here, and it's powerful. The goal is to attract a man who loves you, whom you love, and is clear about his desire for a lasting relationship. (Whether this man will turn out to be your current boyfriend remains to be seen.)

Now, as far as your boyfriend's family is concerned, if you've expressed any frustration over the fact that he's not ready to get married, this is the time to stop. If anybody else brings it up, casually change the subject.

It's great that his mother likes you so much, but she says you should "be patient." Here's the truth, though: She's afraid you'll move on and her her son will lose you.

But in the end, whether he gets married is his decision, not hers. And whether you stick around is your decision.

(There's no law that says that because you have developed a relationship with a guy's family that you have to hang around until he's good and ready to put a ring on your finger.)

You do have a job you love, so I strongly suggest that you direct your attention there, to the job itself and to the people you've met through it.

Make a promotion your goal. Work a couple of extra hours when you can. Go out with your work friends for dinner or drinks. Make yourself more available for your job and less available your boyfriend.

The key here is not to be spiteful about it. Just go about your business. Be open to new experiences and opportunities.

Your current boyfriend may indeed be the man for you, or he may not. But you do need to stop insisting that he is because it's making you terribly unhappy.

It is certainly not in your best interests.

If you go to the current guy's sister's wedding and somebody makes an ignorant comment about you "trying to get a ring out of" your boyfriend, smile nicely and say, "I'm happy for [the sister and her husband], but neither of us wants to get married yet."

Which would be true. (Because why would you want to marry some guy you have to talk into marrying you?)

Keep visualizing, "feeling" that loving situation with a man who can't help but love you. THAT MAN WILL EVENUTALLY SHOW UP. Again, whether he is the man you're dating now remains to be seen.

Back on Break

Still busy getting things together, although I'm completely out of my depth. Hope to be back in action soon.

At the supermarket checkout today, I saw a couple cover blurbs that really peeved me on the current issue of a so-called women's magazine. No wonder a lot of females are insecure about themselves, their looks, their ability to be loved.

The media program us to be. Then they sell us loads of products to aid us in our desperate attempts to fix ourselves.

Dating a Married Man (From a Woman Who Knows)

Here's a response to last week's post, Loving a Married Man, from a reader who's been there. I think a lot of women get involved with married men to avoid having to deal with a man's less attractive features on a full-time basis, as she mentions in the third paragraph.

Wow...you hit the nail on the head with this article.

I was the other woman for 2.5 yrs. Yes, he told me he loved me like no other, and he had many. I knew about the others as he was proud of the fact that he had cheated many times over the last 25 years to his wife. The convenience woman, and of course HER kids wouldn't love him if he wasn't married to their MOM. He raised them, put them both through college and they were the "perfect" family. He told me that she had cancer and was dying, and she couldn't tell her grown children. It was their secret. He couldn't toss her to the side of the road, just because she was sick. (This woman had a very high paying job and worked more than any 5 people I know. She was no more dying than I am.)

I couldn't tell you really why I stayed. Maybe it was the possibility that he would leave her, maybe it was because I didn't have to listen to the farts at night, wake up with the banshee hair and bad breath. I didn't have to tolerate his bad habits.

Yes, I stayed knowing everything about him. Or what I thought was everything.
I do believe he loved me .. the best he could. It had a pay off for me. I could
con't to believe all the BS my ex had told me for so long that I wasn't worth it.
I wasn't smart. I was nothing.

I am not sorry for being the other woman... every experience helps us to grow.
I told him finally that he had to choose for once and for all. I transferred out of
state and I told him he had to decide. He stayed in Chicago .. I stayed here in CA. He kept in contact with me daily for the first year. Yes, I answered.. I had hope that he would MISS me soooo much and did love me the most.... but at
the end... She won. He had his roots with her and her grown children. He also
loved her money more than me.

He was 12 yrs older than me, 60 and aging quickly. His final excuse was that she was dying of cancer. (despite the fact she worked everyday .. long hours away from him) .. and that I would be sorry if we were together as he aged more.

It took a long time to get over this... It has been over a year since our last ugly conversation. At times, I do think of him... I haven't been able to delete his notes or pictures off my desktop (which I don't use) .. but that will come in time.

He taught me more about myself .. I could love.. I was capable of giving and receiving love from a man. I finally figured out exactly the type of man that I desire in my life and won't settle. Yes, I learned my lesson on the married man. The Universe has tested me again.. and I passed. NOT going back there again.

Thanks for your emails and great suggestions. Keep them coming.

-Diane

P.S. Don't misunderstand me. It wasn't easy to get over him, or that I thought it was okay to be in the relationship. I fooled myself and found all kinds of ways to justify it.

Live and learn ... I learned big time.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Diane.

How to Date a Member of Another Political Party

This is pretty funny.

Choosing a Man to Marry

Good advice from a Catholic priest, of all people, on this morning's Today. To read the article by Maureen Dowd in Sunday's New York Times that spawned the piece, click here.

I certainly don't agree that this man's wisdom "eliminates everybody."

Loving a Married Man

I just dropped one kid off at camp, and the other one and my aunt are still sleeping. I received the following letter, and despite yesterday's post, I felt compelled to respond:

Dear Terry,

I am recently going through divorce and the divorce hearing is next
week.

Before I got separated from my ex husband, I was seeing a colleague in my office. It's been two years now. Yes, I have been seeing a married man for two years now.

He has indicated from day one when we met that he had no intention to leave his "wife;" he says his wife will not be able to handle the "blow" of the breakdown. He says between them there islittle physical connection. They don't have sex, and the relationship is one of convenience and companionship.

We share a lot about our work, lives and interest. We have so much in common.

He has been very attentive to me more so lately than the last year. He took me on a trip and bought me some really expensive gifts... I am beginning to feel he really loves me, and he says he does many times recently.

Both he and his wife are in their 40s, and they don't have children. They are recently turning to IVF to have a baby.. he says he just wants to keep her busy and occupied so she is less reliant on him.. he says that with or without a child my relationship with him doesn't change.

Obviously all my activities, holidays and time spent with him are under wraps, and he takes his wife to the formal parties and invitations where they are invited as a couple, and I often feel terrible. He is leaving on a 10 day vacation with his wife on a hiking holiday in Italy and he says that he has to play an obligatory duty to her since she does not work.

I hear his wife is beginning to suspect that "he" is having and affair, which he denies.

I have tried breaking up with him many times, but everytime he comes back, and I don't have the heart to let go, especially since i am just out of a marriage. looking for someone to fill the gaps..

I don't like being the other woman.

confused...

Dear Confused-

My head is percolating with so many points, I wonder if I'll be able to remember them all.

You don't like being the other woman, but you are the other woman. You have chosen to conduct a relationship with another woman's husband.

In your mind, what's the best thing that come out of this situation for you? That he leave his wife? If he does leave her for you, you do realize that you'll have "won" a man who lies and cheats.

This is not a recipe for anybody's happily ever after.

Yes, I understand that you are going through a divorce right now, and my heart goes out to you. Divorce is stressful, painful, and gut-wrenching (one of my closest friends is going to divorce court this very morning. The process is hard enough to watch; can only imagine what it feels like).

I sympathize with your desire to "fill the gap." We all need love and attention, especially when we're going through an extremely stressful ordeal.

But I beseech you to forget this man. "Fill the gap" by developing self-love, self-regard, and self-esteem. Don't laugh. The way you're feeling right now, you may think I'm blowing smoke, but your whole life (the men you attract, the jobs, the houses, the clothes, the friends) will change once you devote yourself to the care and feeding of the most important person in your life: You.

(I couldn't help but notice that, in your letter, you didn't capitalize the pronoun, "I," which I changed, and you did not capitalize "Confused" in your signature, which I did not change. This, to my mind, indicates a self-esteem issue.)

I heartily suggest you get hold of You Can Heal Your Life, the groundbreaking book by Louise Hay. It will help you more than I can say. I also recommend her audio CD, Self-Esteem Affirmations, which you can listen to as you fall asleep at night.

You're going through a tough time now, and things are not going to get better until you take care of yourself. A relationship with a married man will only make things much, much worse.

Please be open to the possibility that you can be happy without a man (because, really, have the men you've been with lately made you happy?). Please be open to the possibility that you can make yourself capable of a having a relationship with a man who does not make you work for his affection or ever cause you to question it.

It must be difficult running into the married man at work every day. Would you consider looking for another job to stay away from him?

In the meantime, picture yourself five years from now:

-Still hung up on this married man, who now has a four-year-old kid, is still married and taking trips with the family and parceling attention your way only when it suits him.

-Married to the married man, who has left his wife but sees her every now and then out of "obligation." He also has another girlfriend somewhere. He tells her the girlfriend he's only married to you for convenience and companionship, and he feels obligated to you and needs to keep you occupied (this guy's a real prince, by the way).

-Happily making strides in your career, feeling good about yourself, in a relationship with an honest, loyal, loving, reliable, fun man who loves you and never lets you forget it.

Life is a series of choices. What choices will you make?

Taking a Wee Break

My aunt is failing and has come to stay with me for a few days. She's not sure if she wants to go into assisted living here or near her house in another state (actually, she wants to stay in her own home and be left alone, even though she doesn't like to be left alone).

Things are chaotic around here and will probably remain so for the time being. Wish us luck.