Easy Does it When it Comes to Affirmation and Visualization

Hello Terry,

Reading your ebook, I had some questions about setting a wedding date. I think for now, I have to start from the ground up and focus on internalizing the belief that I am okay just the way I am (don't need to be skinnier, more successful, etc., to attract a good guy). Perhaps when I am sure about this, it will become easier for me to believe that I'll actually find someone for me. One step at a time?

-Curious


Hello, Curious-

The most important step is to picture the end result you desire. Setting a wedding date helps because it helps you stay focused on your goal, but you can supplement it by picturing other goals, too (moving into your first house together, dancing at your 15th wedding anniversary), and let things fall into place from there.

Keep visualizing and feeling yourself with this person you are putting together in your imagination (based on the qualities you've listed, a man who loves you just as you are. Be open to the possibility that a man exists who will love you just as you are. If you're not open to this possibility, ask yourself why).

In the meantime, use an affirmation ("I, ____________, deeply and completely love and accept myself"). Take care of your appearance, absolutely, but please know that being a size 0, making a million dollars a year, and being the best-looking woman in the room have very little to do with attracting and keeping the right guy.

If you're going to read women's magazines, please do so only to get ideas about clothing you might like to buy, not about what you should look or be like to make yourself worthy of marriage or a steady boyfriend. If you find yourself feeling inadequate after reading women's magazines (and who doesn't?), you may be better off taking fashion clues from mail order catalogs.

If the idea of setting a wedding date scares you, ask yourself why. Write all your fears down. Face them head on. Are they rational or irrational? If they're rational, can they be avoided? If they can't be avoided, what's the worst that could happen?

Remember, easy does it. Whatever you do, don't put undue pressure on yourself about doing things "right." List the qualities you'd like in a man, write your affirmations and visualize, identify and face your fears, and remind yourself that you're okay the exactly the way you are.

Terry

Satisfying Relationships Require Compromise, Not Ultimatums

Hi Terry,

I have just discovered your blog and I love it! It is great how you empower women and share their struggles and show that yes, in fact, we can find the right one.

I am one of the many who are still searching for Mr. Right. I thought I had the right guy, but, things ended in a fury of disappointment, sadness, and mislead expectations. What is your opinion on ultimatums? You have mentioned the woman giving the ultimatum about marriage, but this is the man giving an ultimatum.

The man I was dating was what I thought of as "the one." We met in graduate school, and he is from one part of the US, and I am from another(near where we went to school). We had dated about one year, and it was pretty serious. We contemplated marriage and had looked at engagement rings, etc. We both are very close with our families, and I knew that after school, he wanted to move back to his hometown to eventually take over the family business and help out his aging parents (he is the only one).

I understood his reasons, and know that they are very important to him. We had all sorts of fun together over the past year, but, as time went on, it was clear he was moving back to his town, and wanted me to move there, as well. I considered the idea, had some reservations about when I would see my family, what compromises he would make for me, etc. I chose to look into the move, researched apartments, jobs, etc.

The problem was, I never felt supported and did not feel that he really understood what a HUGE undertaking it would be for me to move my entire life, start a new career, and have to make all new friends down in a new town and culture, when he was going back to his old friends and life. He wasn't putting himself in my shoes. We started fighting a lot, and everytime I tried to discuss things, it would be the same argument over and over again.

I tried to make him see that I was willing to move there, but I needed to feel that he was supportive of me, and that he would commit to me, not just the zip code we were moving to. He told me he never could even consider moving to another place even if I didn't like the area (I didn't think I wouldn't like it, but, I had to see both sides of it). Basically, I needed to know that he would be there for me, and that if the tables were to turn, he would do the same for me. I never quite felt that from our discussions and arguments.

He even went as far as buying a house to "surprise" me with, saying it was "for us," etc. In our fights, he didn't fight fair...he was always trying to make me feel bad for not moving, making sarcastic comments about my family and how I "would never leave them," etc. He said that he was going to be in his home city, and if I wasn't going to be there, he needed to "move on."

I was so shocked by all of this, because for the first 9 months of our relationship, it was great. He never treated me like that. Anyway, this fighting went on for a couple of months, and I could tell he was distancing himself, he wasn't telling me the normal everyday things in our life, etc. I finally brought it up again, and he eventually gave me an ultimatum in the middle of yet another fight, saying if I didn't move there, we were over.

I mulled over it for 2 weeks....because, I was willing to move, the city was wonderful, I loved the area, I knew we were considering marriage, and I knew that you have to give of yourself in a marriage. All of the other things added up in the relationship...he was funny, nice (when we weren't fighting), had money, got along well with my family and friends. I ended up breaking it off with him, because I felt like it was all about his life, and his plan, and then he wanted me to be the "girl" to fit in the picture. We went back and forth in "discussions" for the next month and a half while broken up...and I was miserable. He had moved 2 months before we broke up, and was going on with his life.

I was so upset that I went down there after a month of being single (because he asked me to), to see if we could work things out. He said he had thought a lot about things, and was wanting to work it out. Well, I went down there, and nothing had changed, he still had the same thoughts about everything. I came back, and sent him a letter explaining my feelings and how I love him, but, I cannot be with someone who said he won't compromise for my happiness, if I should need it, down the road. I never heard back from him in and it's been over a month and I'm upset all the time. I wonder if I made a mistake...I wonder that if I had just moved there, would things have been fixed and we would be just like we had been before? I am on my own now, starting a new job in a new town (still in the area where we attended school) and I am so lonely, I am upset a lot.

I miss him, but I wonder, why didn't he fight for me? Why did he have to give me the ultimatum? If I was really the one he wanted to marry and live with for the rest of his life, why would he just let me go? I was willing to move there, but, I couldn't get him to understand that I needed his support and love for moving there, instead of fighting with me and ultimatums. If you could offer any advice, I would be greatly appreciative.

Thanks,
-A

Dear A-

Thanks for the very kind words.

I don't like ultimatums, no matter who's delivering them. They tend to be used by controlling people, and I'd say your ex-boyfriend definitely qualifies as controlling (Exhibit A: that scary little detail you included about him surprising you with a house).

I'm very sorry about your situation. You obviously loved this guy a great deal, and it hurts when things don't work out the way they could have (if only the guy had his head on straight). I'm sending good thoughts your way.

But I have to congratulate you for your excellent instincts and also for having the sense to follow them. Another person in your situation would have told herself she was being selfish or silly, and besides, the guy makes great money so she might as well be grateful and go for it.

You did the wise thing.

If you'd ignored that clanging bell in your head and followed him down to his great life in his great town and his great friends, sooner or later you'd be kicking yourself. His sarcastic comments about your family (you know, those people you love and would no longer be able to see) would come back to haunt you. They would eat you from the inside out.

And if you didn't find a job you loved, or if you didn't make friends as easily as you'd hoped, you'd be sorry about that, too. You would rightfully start to resent this man for snatching you away from everything you held dear, and you would probably begin to hate him.

Sure, it's possible you could temporarily distract yourself by fixing up a house and raising a couple of kids, but soon enough it would burn you that your old friends wouldn't be able to visit your house. And you'd hate it that your family would have to watch your children grow up through emailed photographs.

I don't know why this guy didn't fight for you, but be glad he showed his limitations now instead of later. Can you imagine being married to him and having life be all about him, him, him? His career, the restaurants where he wants to eat, the friends he wants to see?

What a drag.

You're lonely now and perhaps feeling a bit off your game while starting a new job. Please know that eventually the job will get easier. You will feel more comfortable among your new colleagues. You still have your family, and you will make new friends.

You are beginning a new adventure in life, which blessedly does not involve entanglement with a person who consistently puts his wants and needs and happiness above your own. You know that you can do better than him. In time, your strength and confidence will return. You will likely attract men who make your happiness a priority because you will give off a vibe that will let them know that you're not one to waste time with people who don't.

You deserve a pat on the back. I wish you the best in everything life has to offer.

Visualizing for Lasting Love and Romance

Hello, Terry!

I am reading your book and making my "list" right now. I am trying to express "no baggage," "no children," and "no alimony" in a positive way, as you recommended. How would you express this on a list of qualities I'm looking for?

I'm 33 and looking for someone around 3 to 5 years older or younger than me. Is it too hopeful to find a guy in this age bracket without baggage, alimony, or children?

Also, my list has 24 items - is that too much for a list of what I want in a man? My friends tell me that I should not try to find everything I want in one man.

Thank you very much for your help!

-S.

Hello, S.-

I definitely don't think it hurts to write 24 things down on your list. There's no guarantee you'll get everything on it, but it is extremely helpful in getting the important qualitities in a man that will make you happy. It helps you recognize the right man when he shows up. It also helps you eliminate men who will never make you happy.

Be very relaxed when you write your list, and be relaxed as you go about your day. You don't have to look for a man who has the qualities you want; just having those qualities rambling around the back of your mind will make it more likely that man who possesses them will appear in your orbit (and, again, that you'll even be aware of him).

Is it too hopeful to find a man in your desired age bracket? Absolutely not. My sister married a 31-year-old man when she was 35. A good, handsome, well-employed male friend of mine dated a 38-year-old when he was 34 (they broke up because she wasn't ready to get married). He's since moved on and is now happily engaged to someone else who is four years younger than he is. He says that age isn't an issue; compatibility, values, and the ability to have fun are.

As for the wording of your affirmation, you want to narrow it down to express the essence of the qualities you consider critical. You could write something like:

"I, S___________, am happily married to a successful, fun man my age who is utterly devoted to me and to our future together."

He can't be utterly devoted to you and your future if he's encumbered with children, ex-wives, and alimony, can he? This affirmation implies that he's free on all fronts.

It's really important that when you visualize you imagine yourself having fun together alone. Maybe you're in his arms, in front of a fire at a ski resort. Or maybe you're in a playground together, and he's pushing you on a swing in the rain. Bring your senses into the visualization. Smell the laundry soap in his shirt when you put your head on his shoulder. (Putting on your favorite music really helps during these exercises!)

What kinds of things do you like to do? Visualize yourself doing them with this man (and remember, physical details will be sketchy in the beginning. Keep it up; they'll start to fill themselves in.) Blanket yourself in this man's love. What happens next will amaze you.

Good luck and thanks for writing!

Terry

Maybe You're a Late Bloomer

For the past couple of weeks, I've read all sorts of nastiness about Madonna turning 50, but I'll bet she looks a helluva lot better (and is a helluva lot healthier) than the younger people writing that nonsense. She'll probably outlive them, too.

Interestingly, my health-minded friend, Kristen Colello, just tipped me off to a blog by Prill Boyle, a late-bloomer who graduated from college at the age of 38, became an English teacher, and has since written a book detailing the achievements of other late-blooming women entitled Defying Gravity.

Whether you're 20 or 80, check out the blog. I think you'll enjoy it (especially if you're like a friend of mine, who thought she was old at 24). It's definitely more uplifting than getting a facelift.

Stop Dating Time-Wasters

Hi, Terry-

Thanks for the wonderful words aimed at empowering us women to stand up for ourselves and not let men walk over us.

Kindly advise! What is your opinion of men who make promises and never fulfills them? lI met a man who promises to do things for me and ends up not doing anything. He promised to buy me presents for my birthday, but when the day finally came, he didn't even call, let alone buy a single present or card.

He calls to say he is coming to see me, and then he goes quiet and doesn't even call to cancel or apologise. He will call after a few days to say hi and act like all is ok. I similarly met a man who refused to let me visit him at his house. After that, I concluded, he is not worth it.

Regards and thanks once again for all you do!

-Disappointed

Hello, Disappointed-

Here's my opinion of the guy who promises to go all-out for your birthday, and then never even calls: He's bad news. Lose him.

If the jerk calls again acting as if everything's okay (cute trick, by the way), let him know he's out of luck by firmly but gently telling him that you're no longer interested in hearing from him. Say goodbye and hang up. If he calls again, don't pick up the phone.

As for the guy who won't let you visit him at home, you rightly concluded that he's not worth it. Best case scenario: He's married. Worst case: He's got bodies buried in his basement.

Your best bet is to eliminate time-wasters as soon as you spot them. How do you spot them? Their words fail to match their actions. Or they make unreasonable demands like, "Don't call me at home."

Spot 'em. Eliminate 'em. Make room for someone better.

Let that be your motto.

Solo Travel Has Its Benefits

Many years ago today, I flew home from a solo trip to San Francisco.

The reason I'd gone in the first place was because I was in a job I hated and trying to get over a tortuous relationship that was going nowhere. On top of that, I'd fallen out with my best friend and roommate and had moved back home with my parents (yeah, I know it's sad).

But the four days I spent in San Francisco by myself gave me a new perspective on my life. I made some decisions. I came home, took a U-turn out of the dead-end relationship. I managed to get a decent promotion from my crappy job. I looked up some friends I'd been neglecting and concentrated on having fun. Shortly before I left for San Francisco, I made a vow not to date until I met someone worth dating. After I got home, I kept it.

Two months later, I met someone worth dating. We went out for three monhs, but he wasn't the person I wanted to marry. I broke up with him gently. A month after that, I started dating someone I thought I might want to marry.

And two years later, I married him.

Relationships Give Her Hives

Hi Terry,

Every time I date a man for more than a year I break out in hives. Not just a few, but enough to have the doctor put me on Valium and Hydroxzine. I do not know what causes this, but as soon as I break up with the guy I am fine.

What is causing this?

If any of your readers can help me, I would appreciate it.

-D.

Dear D.-

Well, my guess would be that you have a serious aversion to long-term relationships, but I'm just a girl who used to get freaked out by long-term relationships, so maybe I'm projecting.

Did the doctor who prescribed the medication offer any insight?

There are many therapies available to those of us who suffer from fears and phobias, ranging from psychotherapy to hypnosis to EFT (for more information about EFT, a technique that helped me overcome insomnia and anxiety attacks, click here). My best advice is to research them and invest in the services of a licensed practitioner who can help you resolve this problem.

Since you asked for readers' perspectives, I'll invite them to leave a comment here.

Thanks for writing and good luck.

Terry

Same Man, Different Body

Terry,

I love your advice and sensational blog and feel lucky to have attracted this site into my(almost)daily life.

Could you give your opinion on the man that is emotionally distant. I come across this guy a lot..and I was married to one for 15 years...great father & husband..things fantastic..until there was any sort of conflict...where he was unable to express how he was feeling..and stonewalled. I felt not listened to.

This can be the communication style of an introvert, and not necessarily an uncaring guy...but difficult to deal with constructively or to promote ongoing intimacy. I seem to attract these types of men.

How to deal.....?

-Sian

Hello, Sian-

Thanks for the kind words. I truly appreciate them.

I, too, used to attract the same kind of guy again and again, and I came to the conclusion there was one major payoff for this:

I knew exactly what to expect from these men.

This isn't to say that I liked attracting the same kind of guy over and over. In fact, it was really quite painful. But it was a pain I was used to, as opposed to risking some other pain I had no experience with. It was a matter of "the devil you know is better than the one you don't," I guess.

And you're right. Some men are introverted instead of uncaring, but being in a day-to-day situation with someone who can't -- or won't--express his feelings is a serious pain in the neck.

Attracting guys who stonewall or are emotionally distant seems to happen to those of us who grew up in homes where certain things were not discussed or were supposed to be taken for granted ("Of course I love you. I gave birth to you, didn't I?" or, "Of course I like the dinner. I'm eating it, aren't I?").

I'm not a psychologist, but I've heard psychologists say that women tend to attract men with similar traits to their father's. Same goes for men. They attract women like their mothers. More important, they're attracted to these people.

And I've seen it over and over again. I heard Pam Anderson, a woman who has suffered several tough marriages, say on TV recently that she attributes her relationship issues to "Daddy Drama," or something to that effect.

I changed my own pattern of attracting the same guy over and over by very consciously and methodically picturing and feeling myself with the type of man who was exactly the opposite: A man who communicated his likes and dislikes, who complimented me, who loved me and let me know it through his words and actions. A man who liked and respected women. A man who knew how to have a good laugh.

I did this by writing out very specifically on paper what I wanted and bringing it to life in my imagination. It was not easy at first, but each time I tried it did get easier. The details began to fill themselves in. It helped me to listen to music that got me going while I put myself in an imaginary scene with a man who embodied the qualities I wanted.

If you try this, you'll find you're reprogramming your subconscious, convincing it that not only are you capable of such a relationship, but that you're already in one. And then, when that person who shows up who "fits the bill," not only will he feel familiar to you, you'll find the relationship takes off without a lot of drama.

Now, if at any point you find yourself bored or turned off by this communicative individual you're bringing to life in your imagination, stop and ask yourself why. A good friend of mine, for example, found men who were capable of showing real emotion (i.e., crying) repellent.

If this is true of you, ask yourself what turns you off about a man who cries (or raves about the way you dress or grow vegetables or deliver a joke). Do you harbor the belief that real men should be strong and silent? What's the payoff for that belief? And what is the cost (maybe you're stuck with a man who can be hardhearted and oblivious to your feelings, as well as his own)?

If you face your fears about waking up every morning to a man who likes to talk and laugh with you, who is willing to resolve a disagreement by facing it head on, who isn't afraid to make you the center of his life, who wraps you in his arms when you come home to him at night, you can overcome those fears. Even better, you can attract that kind of man.

Are You Riding Someone Else's Rollercoaster?

Has this ever happened to you?

You became emotionally invested in somebody else's plan. They had an idea, got you excited about it, and then suddenly changed course and dropped it.

It's happened to me.

It happened with a man I dated ("Let's get married!" And then, a month later, "I'm not ready to get married.") It happened at work ("We're going to build a new department and make you head of it," and then two months later, "Um, we're sorry. It's not in the budget.")

Here's another scenario: You make your shoulder available to a friend whose husband mistreats her. You're angry about the situation. You think about it when you're in the shower. And then she announces she's leaving him. You're thrilled. You go out for a drink to celebrate.

You're glad you made time for her. You're delighted you're going to see her happy for a change.

And then she calls you to tell you she's back with the almost-ex. He's sorry. They've worked things out. As a matter of fact, they're going away for a romantic weekend. And besides, she doesn't want to be single again.

You hang up the phone, feeling like you've been slammed to the cement. And you have been. Because you have been riding someone else's roller coaster.

This expression, "riding someone else's rollercoaster," is not mine. It's what my friend, Ronnie Ann Ryan, dating coach and author of Manifesting Mr. Right, says you're doing when you allow your life to be taken over by someone else's emotional drama.

Now, it's important to be supportive and a good friend, employee, girlfriend. Definitely. If a friend is stuck in an abusive marriage, it's important to do what you can to help.

But once she indicates she won't be helped, it's time to back away. You can't make her leave her husband. It's time to focus on your life for a change.

Same with the yay-marriage/nay-marriage guy. At some point, you can't let his emotional struggle take over your life. You have to make yourself available for other people and other opportunities.

And when your boss pulls the rug from under you, it could be time to get your resume together and start looking for a better boss.

One of my biggest weaknesses used to be not recognizing when to walk away from an unwinnable situation and letting it shipwreck my happiness. I've gotten much better at it.

When you find yourself riding someone else's rollercoaster, disembark immediately. Then get on a better ride: Your own.

A Guy's Take on Getting Married

And it's a good one. I especially like the bit about who's cleaning the toilets.

The guy may be a "Dumb Little Man," but he sure isn't stupid.

Does He Love Her?

Hi, Terry-

I need your advice. Do you think I'm desperate when I'm saying now I'm mature, and I want a steady relationship, have a child and get married?

The problem is I don't think my boyfriend is ready. He's always busy at work, doesn't call or calls only when he feels the need to do so. Do you think he loves me? Please help.

-Needing Clarification

Hello, Clarification-

Here's the good news: You know what you want, and it does not make you desperate.

Let's look at it this way: When you get up in the morning, you may say to yourself, "I want a cup of coffee."

You know what you want, and you get it. You probably don't go to the coffee counter and ask for a glass of tomato juice. So the first step in getting what you want is knowing what you want. Sounds simple, eh?

But here's where it gets complicated: You say you're ready to get married, but you're pinning your hopes on some guy who doesn't even call you half the time. The guy is a glass of tomato juice.

I don't know if he loves you, but it seems to me there are more attentive men in the world, and you would do well to set your sights on one of them. Getting married and being married is fun only if you're doing it with the right person. A person who is too busy at work or only calls when it suits him may very well not be that person.

Having a child will exact physical, emotional, and mental demands on you, and you deserve a hands-on partner who's not going to treat the kid as some sort of a hobby he gets around to in free moments.

Congratulations to you on discovering that you are ready for marriage and children. Please write out exactly what qualities you'd like in the man who decides to join you on this journey. This way, you'll recognize him when you see him.

Most important, don't tell yourself that convincing your current boyfriend to marry you is your only hope for love and happiness. Continue to see him if you must, but definitely keep your eyes peeled for much better opportunities.

Is This Guy for Real?

Dear Terry:

I've been seeing a 33-year-old man who has a demanding job on Wall Street. He's everything I ever wanted. He's tall and handsome, confident, makes a lot of money, makes me laugh, and says he is so attracted to me. (He says this a lot. Sometimes he says he can't believe how attracted he is to me.)

As for me, he's like my kryptonite. I lay eyes on him and go weak at the knees.

Once or twice a week when he isn't traveling (he travels for his job several times a month), he comes to my apartment for dinner. Says I'm a great cook, which thrills me to no end. I can put together a gourmet meal out of scraps from the refrigerator.

The problem is, we always spend time at my place. Even though he lives near me, I have never, ever been invited to his. Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner, I made a joke to see if he'd invite me to his house or at least indicate why I haven't been there.

(Just so you know: He is NOT married. I went to school with his sisters.)

He changed the subject immediately. A day or two later, he came back and asked me to accompany him on a business trip to Cincinnati. It sounded all very romantic, until I got there and found myself spending most of the day by myself (I walked around and discovered that Cincinnati is full of the same chain stores selling the same junk as the stores in New York. Oh, boy!)

Nights were spent waiting for him to get back from dinner with someone or other. I went out for Chinese by myself one night. I ordered room service the next and hung around all night in this little box of a room fiddling with a TV remote (that was tethered to the wall), only to end up watching Sex & the City reruns I've already seen 16 times.

I came close to crying, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to be a baby about it. After all, the guy was on a business trip and had to work.

Would like your perspective on this, Terry. I am crazy about this guy. I want to marry him. He seems crazy about me, but the thing that bothers me most is that he won't let me in his house.

Do you think I'm overreacting?

-On the Doorstep
-------------------------------

Dear Doorstep-

Overreacting? Not exactly.

I think a better question would be, "Why do you automatically assume you're overreacting when you're frustrated that your boyfriend won't let you near his house?"

If a man is in good emotional health and is truly interested in you, he tends to want you to see where he lives. Unless, of course, it's infested with killer bees.

Okay, he's handsome and works on Wall Street. I get the attraction. But how great is his job? Why does his company put him up in hotels that chain remote controls to the wall, for instance?

In my experience companies tend to put employees in hotels that cater to business travelers, not in $99/night family specials.

Something's not quite right here.

Now, about your cooking. Does this man ever take you out to dinner? If you're providing all the meals, he's taking advantage of you. Also, the adage "The way to a man's heart is through is stomach" is not always true.

Sometimes you just get a guy who wants a free meal and somebody to listen to his problems.

This bit in your letter really got me: "Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner..."

Forgive me while I go "all Terry" on you, but if you cook for the man, the least he can do is clean up, as in lift dish, bring to sink, turn on faucet, wash, rinse, dry, put away.

You cook. He cleans. He cooks. You clean.

A relationship is give and take, and I don't see this man doing anything other than taking. I wish I had the magic words to make you forget about him.

So far, you've provided everything for him, and he's doing precious little for you. He took you on a trip his company paid for. He won't let you into his house.

You deserve better than this.

The next time he calls, tell him you're busy but can meet him somewhere for an hour. Suggest a restaurant. See what he says. If he gives you a hard time, get rid of him.

If he meets you for the meal, let him pay, thank him and say goodnight (keep it to an hour; don't let all wobbly and take him back to your house).

Then, the next time he calls, tell him you'll meet him at HIS house.

If he gives you a hard time, tell him you've developed serious reservations about getting any more involved with a person who doesn't want you in his living space.

After all, this is your life we're talking about.

-Terry

Jon Stewart on John Edwards.

The Daily Show puts a formerly revered politician's "mistake" in perspective:

Busted Talking to the Old Girlfriend

Hi, Terry!

Each week I receive your emails, and I love to read them. They are full of great advice and great insight. I need some advice.

My boyfriend and I are back together after a heartbreaking separation, and I´m happy about it. We have a good relationship, however, some old patterns and issues have come to the scene again. I don´t like that he is not expressive and that he doesn´t tell me important things that could affect our relationship.

Yesterday, I was at his apartment sharing time with him, when the phone rang. He answered the phone and greeted someone. After the first call, he took a second call. After he hung up, I casually asked who it was and he told me it was his father. Then I asked him who called him first and he told me that it was a female friend from work who wanted some advice from him. And I said “oh, ok”.

I didn´t say anything afterwards and kept doing my business at the couch with my laptop. I felt a surge of energy in my body of anger and jealousy, but I kept that to myself as I didn´t want to express those emotions uncontrollably and wanted to give myself time to think a better way to approach the situation.

Today, he visited me, and we started talking casually about my need of having a better communication with him and bulding trust between the two of us. I told him that when that girl called him I felt insecure as I wondered if she was the girl which he had slept with for many months before coming back to me.

When I asked for the truth, he told me that I was correct. I felt extremely upset and disappointed. I felt cheated. I didn´t know that he was still in contact with her and that they were still “friends” according to him. If I hadn´t been at his apartment yesterday night, I would not have known that my boyfriend is still in contact with that girl in a friendly way as he would not have told me.

I love this man and I know in my heart that he loves me, but I don´t know what to do. I am very concerned about not telling me this kind of things. He is very secretive about these things, and if I don´t find out by myself, he probably won´t tell me. He tells me that he has been loyal to me since he is with me and I believe him, but I feel extremely upset of him being in contact with this girl who was his lover and hiding this truth for me. I know he has to see her as they work at the same place, but I´m concerned that it is not a work relationship. I feel cheated and not respected even if I know he is not sleeping with her.

I know you have great insights, Terry, and I would like with all my heart to give some advice about how to handle this situation and if I truly be concerned about him not telling me he is still in contact with an ex.. Please help me. Your advice would be great, Terry.

-A Reader in Mexico

Hello, Mexico-

You were right to give yourself time to figure out how to approach this situation. (Many people, had they been in your place, would just fly off the handle.)

The good news is that your boyfriend told you the truth: He was speaking to the ex-girlfriend.

The bad news is that he didn't tell you straight-out the first time you asked him.

I don't know your boyfriend, but I think you're wise to follow your instincts. You say that you know in your heart that he does love you. If this isn't enough, ask yourself, is he usually truthful with you and with other people? Liars lie all over the place: To bosses, coworkers, friends, and, especially, you. How easily does he lie? How often?

He may have told you at first that he was speaking to a "female friend" at work instead of the ex because he feared how you'd react. We may or may not be able to give him a pass here. It depends on the question I've already posed: How much of a liar is he?

If you determine that he's worthy of your trust, you can encourage him to open more by not overreacting when he says something (and you certainly didn't in this instance; you handled the whole thing very well). He may start to open up a bit, or he may not.

Some people feel a need to express every single thought out loud. Other people don't (because it's not their nature, or they're shy, or they're afraid of boring you or looking silly).

As long as misunderstandings don't result, you should be okay. You say that he sometimes doesn't express things that could affect your relationship. Well, in that case, it's certainly okay to ask him directly, as you did after he got on the phone with the ex.

As long as he gives you a straight answer, I wouldn't worry about it.

He Wasn't What I Thought He Was

I was a big fan of John Edwards, the former presidential candidate who last week admitted to cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. When the news broke about the affair, I was devastated.

I'd bought into the whole Edwards family story, the details they shared with us about how John and Elizabeth celebrated all their wedding anniversaries at Wendy's, how they leaned on each other after the tragedy of their son's death, how Elizabeth stoically kept the news of her breast cancer away from John until all the numbers came in after the 2004 election.

I really, really liked John Edwards. I voted for him in the primary in 2004. After he lost and was cast as John Kerry's running mate, I voted for him, too. I went to the primary in February of this year downhearted that I couldn't vote for Edwards in this election; he'd dropped out of the race a day or two earlier.

And now this...

It's bad enough he cheated on his wife, who I imagine after all her physical and emotional trials, could shatter like thin glass. But he also cheated on all of us who believed in him, who defended him when cynics called him "Breck Girl" and questioned the right of a former mill worker's son to indulge in pricey haircuts and live in an extravagant home. He cheated on the working class people who sent him money in the hopes of seeing him making good on his promise to restore the Land of Opportunity to the increasingly less fortunate.

My friend tells me it's only Americans who get hung up on the sex lives of politicians, and I know she's right. I mean, Clinton didn't bother me. I knew what I was getting when I voted for him. I just wanted a president who could get the job done.

But this guy, Edwards, is different. He sold us a fairy story. I don't know whether I'm madder at him or at myself that I bought it.

Single Women Rule

I'm very excited to announce that Keysha Whitaker, founder of Eve's Society, the international organization for unmarried women of all ages, has asked me to come on board to promote the message that 'single is good.' (I strive to instill it in my two young daughters!)

Eve's Society's mission is to help make single women's personal and professional lives successful.

Membership is free and entitles you to:

-Take advantage of a growing list of store and service discounts

-Post your personal and professional accomplishments (and include
the link to your website)

-Access Eve's Society's international member network.

I'm most excited about the growing international member list. You've heard the maxim: "It's not WHAT you know; it's WHO you know."

Who knows what opportunities will arise -- and who you'll meet -- when you have access to other bright, success-oriented, self-respecting single women like yourself?

Check out Eve's Society here:

Is It Just Me? Or Is This Article Really Offensive?

The tone of this article published in The New York Daily News the other day really bugged me.

I particularly object to the use of the phrases, "nab a guy," "landing a guy," "competition is heavy," "better your odds," and, "Keep your chin up, Ladies" (which really should be "Keep your chins up, Ladies," don't you think?).

I hate this media b.s. designed to cause unnecessary desperation among women. Desperation leads to bad decisions, and I hate to see any woman "landing" the wrong freaking man.

Better single and happy than married and miserable, I always say.

She Thinks She's Ready to Meet a Man

Dear Terry,

I have been receiving emails from you and have learned a lot. I would be happier, though, if I could finally apply them to my life. I have stopped dating for almost four years already since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I've already forgotten all about my ex and have forgiven him. I guess I'm just too busy to go out and meet new male friends.

About two weeks ago, I decided to join an international dating site. It was fun at first--sending interests to men who I found attractive and receiving interests and mails from men 50 years old and above (I have included in my profile that I prefer men between the age of 30 and 41). By the way, I'm turning 32 two days from now. Only 3 or 4 of those interested in me are within my age preference, the rest (15 or more) are almost my mother's age.

How can I attract men on that website within my preferred age bracket? Could you also help me or give some tips on how to sustain the interest of those who have expressed their interest in me? I have received a couple of mails from men who I also find attractive. They said that they liked my profile and they find me cute, as I have posted 3 photos there. And then I replied to their mails and have not heard from them since.

Any help from you will be appreciated.

Thanks for reading this. Good luck and God bless.

Regards,
P.

Hello, P.

Happy 32nd birthday! I hope you did something fun.

Okay, you say you haven't dated in four years (after a breakup with a guy you've already "forgotten" and "forgiven"). Did it take you four years to get over that relationship? It's possible you're truly over the ex, but are you really over the pain of the breakup?

I ask because I wonder if you're avoiding relationships altogether on a subconscious level. You mentioned you've been "too busy" to make new male friends.

And now, when you do get around to meeting new men, you choose to do it on an international dating site. Not a local dating site. An international dating site. This implies that the men you connect with would live very far away. It would take some doing to fit them into your already busy life. You might not have to ever see them at all!

A lot of women who can't ever manage to meet the right guy suffer from mighty fears about relationships. They are attracted to -- and they attract--men with similar fears (men who won't commit). Or they don't attract anyone at all.

Ask yourself what scares you about relationships. Write a list. I imagine getting hurt again would be number one, and this is perfectly natural. Ask yourself what's the worst thing that would happen your fears came true. Could you handle it?

If so, stop making excuses and get out of the house. Get out of the office. Go where men your age go: Baseball games, restaurants, bookstores, open mic nights in coffee shops, sports bars. Volunteer for an organization where men tend to volunteer, like Habitat for Humanity.

To keep a man's interest, be yourself. Don't sit by the phone waiting for his call. Stay focused on your own life. See your friends. Be available but not overly available.

Just as we women like to think we're getting a prize in the men we date, men like to think they're getting a prize in us, too. Be a prize.

Good luck, P. I wish you every happiness in the world.

Terry

Divorced With a Kid: Can She Really Find Love?

Hello Terry,

I met a guy online two weeks ago.

We went out on our first meeting and hit off really well. We had a lot to drink, and we were hammered. We ended up lying in bed; we didn't have sex the first night.

He has been messaging every morning, lunch, dinner time and before he goes to bed. We've met each other for dinner about three times since our first meeting two weeks ago, and we communicate via IMs throughout the day.

He has even suggested coinciding his work travel schedule with mine, so that we can be in the same city for a few days.

He is an incredibly eligible single bachelor with a great job, while I have high flying career and by most standards a very attractive woman. I am recently divorced with a 4 year old daughter.

I am skeptical that a guy like him could possibly fall for someone like me, with a scarred life and baggage.

The chemistry feels right, and I have not felt so terribly happy since my separation with my ex-husband and the many unstable relationships over the years.

Somehow I feel this is too good to be happening to a girl like me. I question if he is genuinely interested in me or could I be an easy target since I am divorced and perhaps lonely.

I want to know what he thinks, but I feel that it is too soon to ask or even talk about a relationship. It might really scare him off.

How can I really know? Are there subtle ways to find out?

-Wondering

Dear Wondering,

While I happen to enjoy a good beer (or several), getting hammered on a first date raises a yellow flag. Do you have to drink to have a good time? Does he? Do all your dates involve alcohol?

If so, it could signal a problem.

This comment of yours also concerns me:

"Somehow I feel this is too good to be happening to a girl like me. I question if he is genuinely interested in me or could I be an easy target since I am divorced and perhaps lonely."

Now, why is inconceivable that a good thing could happen to a girl like you? So, you're divorced with a kid. So are a lot of people. You're attractive and have a great job. A lot of people aren't and don't, and they still manage to attract men who will stand on their heads to be with them.

The guy seems to want to spend time with you. That's great! Okay, there's no shortage of jerks who will use women for their own purposes, but there's also no shortage of great guys who want to fall in love and spend their life with one special woman.

How do you figure out which category this new man falls into?

You take your time. You continue to focus on your job and your child and your friends and the books you like to read. You do not allow this new relationship to drag you out to sea. You make yourself available to get to know this man better, but you don't break plans with other people or let go of other responsibilities to do so.

You maintain a wait-and-see attitude. You tell yourself, "Maybe this is the right guy for me, and maybe he isn't." You let him show you. You listen to him when he speaks. You watch his eyes. You make sure that his words match up with his actions.

You're always kind, considerate, and charming, but at no point do you ask yourself, "What do I do to prove to this guy that I'm the right woman for him?"

Above all, always keep in mind that you are an attractive woman with plenty to offer. Make a list of your very best qualities and remind yourself that a man would be lucky to have you.

If you happen to possess any qualities that cause you to devalue yourself, today is the day to decide to replace them with better ones. Again, use a pen and paper and put your lesser qualities on paper. How can you turn them around?

In the meantime, if you find all the IMing distracting, limit it to once or twice a day. It's flattering to be contacted constantly by an attractive man, but it's not going to help you keep things in perspective.

This guy may turn out to be the man of your dreams, or he may not. Either way, know that you're an attractive, sought-after woman. The fact that you're divorced and have a child doesn't change that. Be open to the possibility that a man can and will love you just as you are.

You deserve that much.

The Biggest Mistake of Her Life

Doesn't it kill you when you see someone flouncing into a bad situation with a smile on her face, and nobody can stop her?

A young, smart, ambitious, attractive undergrad we know has gotten engaged to a guy her age. In the plus column, he's good-looking and has a trust fund. In the minus column, he's prone to violence (and loves to brag that if "another guy even looks at my girlfriend, I'll rearrange his face!"). He doesn't go to school, doesn't have a job, and he usually sleeps until 2PM.

Did I mention he's good-looking and has a trust fund?

And while the young woman's mother is desperately trying to jam the breaks on this wedding locomotive, the guy's mother is hitting the gas. We suspect she figures that a goal-oriented wife (who's working toward a doctorate) will derail her son from the track he's riding to loserdom.

She has offered to buy the couple a house. She wants to pay for the wedding. She has taken the poor lamb she intends to sacrifice to her son to look for not one but two wedding dresses (the trend, she insists, is to buy one dress for the wedding and another to wear to the reception).

Red flags are flying all over the place.

But the impressionable young woman doesn't see them. I asked her worried mother why she's so eager to get married before she's had a chance to achieve her dreams. "She wants to be a grown-up. She's also caught up the fairy tale of being a princess for a day."

Unfortunately, the fairy tale doesn't even last a whole day. It really lasts about six hours. After that, this poor kid will be legally bound to an anger-prone sluggard whose mother has bought and sold her.

If she tries to keep things interesting by introducing a child into the equation, things will just get worse. If she can't get the guy out of bed to find a job, she's not going to get him to change diapers. The responsibilities of parenthood may squash her plans to earn a doctorate.

I wish women would stop buying into wedding industry propaganda and keep their eyes on bigger prizes:

1) Careers that pay handsomely and make use of their talents

2) Men who love them and take pride in their successes.

Women need to remember that realizing their ambitions is crucial to their physical, emotional, and mental health. Marrying the wrong man for the wrong reasons is the surest route to a lifetime of being depressed and powerless.