Loving a Married Man

I just dropped one kid off at camp, and the other one and my aunt are still sleeping. I received the following letter, and despite yesterday's post, I felt compelled to respond:

Dear Terry,

I am recently going through divorce and the divorce hearing is next
week.

Before I got separated from my ex husband, I was seeing a colleague in my office. It's been two years now. Yes, I have been seeing a married man for two years now.

He has indicated from day one when we met that he had no intention to leave his "wife;" he says his wife will not be able to handle the "blow" of the breakdown. He says between them there islittle physical connection. They don't have sex, and the relationship is one of convenience and companionship.

We share a lot about our work, lives and interest. We have so much in common.

He has been very attentive to me more so lately than the last year. He took me on a trip and bought me some really expensive gifts... I am beginning to feel he really loves me, and he says he does many times recently.

Both he and his wife are in their 40s, and they don't have children. They are recently turning to IVF to have a baby.. he says he just wants to keep her busy and occupied so she is less reliant on him.. he says that with or without a child my relationship with him doesn't change.

Obviously all my activities, holidays and time spent with him are under wraps, and he takes his wife to the formal parties and invitations where they are invited as a couple, and I often feel terrible. He is leaving on a 10 day vacation with his wife on a hiking holiday in Italy and he says that he has to play an obligatory duty to her since she does not work.

I hear his wife is beginning to suspect that "he" is having and affair, which he denies.

I have tried breaking up with him many times, but everytime he comes back, and I don't have the heart to let go, especially since i am just out of a marriage. looking for someone to fill the gaps..

I don't like being the other woman.

confused...

Dear Confused-

My head is percolating with so many points, I wonder if I'll be able to remember them all.

You don't like being the other woman, but you are the other woman. You have chosen to conduct a relationship with another woman's husband.

In your mind, what's the best thing that come out of this situation for you? That he leave his wife? If he does leave her for you, you do realize that you'll have "won" a man who lies and cheats.

This is not a recipe for anybody's happily ever after.

Yes, I understand that you are going through a divorce right now, and my heart goes out to you. Divorce is stressful, painful, and gut-wrenching (one of my closest friends is going to divorce court this very morning. The process is hard enough to watch; can only imagine what it feels like).

I sympathize with your desire to "fill the gap." We all need love and attention, especially when we're going through an extremely stressful ordeal.

But I beseech you to forget this man. "Fill the gap" by developing self-love, self-regard, and self-esteem. Don't laugh. The way you're feeling right now, you may think I'm blowing smoke, but your whole life (the men you attract, the jobs, the houses, the clothes, the friends) will change once you devote yourself to the care and feeding of the most important person in your life: You.

(I couldn't help but notice that, in your letter, you didn't capitalize the pronoun, "I," which I changed, and you did not capitalize "Confused" in your signature, which I did not change. This, to my mind, indicates a self-esteem issue.)

I heartily suggest you get hold of You Can Heal Your Life, the groundbreaking book by Louise Hay. It will help you more than I can say. I also recommend her audio CD, Self-Esteem Affirmations, which you can listen to as you fall asleep at night.

You're going through a tough time now, and things are not going to get better until you take care of yourself. A relationship with a married man will only make things much, much worse.

Please be open to the possibility that you can be happy without a man (because, really, have the men you've been with lately made you happy?). Please be open to the possibility that you can make yourself capable of a having a relationship with a man who does not make you work for his affection or ever cause you to question it.

It must be difficult running into the married man at work every day. Would you consider looking for another job to stay away from him?

In the meantime, picture yourself five years from now:

-Still hung up on this married man, who now has a four-year-old kid, is still married and taking trips with the family and parceling attention your way only when it suits him.

-Married to the married man, who has left his wife but sees her every now and then out of "obligation." He also has another girlfriend somewhere. He tells her the girlfriend he's only married to you for convenience and companionship, and he feels obligated to you and needs to keep you occupied (this guy's a real prince, by the way).

-Happily making strides in your career, feeling good about yourself, in a relationship with an honest, loyal, loving, reliable, fun man who loves you and never lets you forget it.

Life is a series of choices. What choices will you make?

Taking a Wee Break

My aunt is failing and has come to stay with me for a few days. She's not sure if she wants to go into assisted living here or near her house in another state (actually, she wants to stay in her own home and be left alone, even though she doesn't like to be left alone).

Things are chaotic around here and will probably remain so for the time being. Wish us luck.

Treat Him Like a Loaded Pistol

Hi, Terry-

Your advice is needed once again...

I wrote to you earlier when I was in a messy relationship with an older guy (whom I described then as a player). I have kept to myself, not called him, and am feeling terrible. I know it will take time to heal.

My problem is that he is very good at mind games. He knows where I live, so he somehow just manages to park his car on one of the roads that is on my route home...too often. I "bump" into him at least three times a week. He knows the coffee shops that I enjoy sitting at, so he just happens to be there when I am there. I moved to another hospital and for whatever reason he seems to just be there too, even though he works somewhere else. I went on a date the other day and we bumped into him. He tried to kiss me on the mouth and it took some maneuvering for the kiss to land somewhere on my cheek. It was either that or a scene.

When we do talk he makes it seem as if we are the best of friends. I am having a hard time behaving naturally around him. What I really want to do is scream at him.

I do not quite get this. He pulled the rug from under me, I did not dump him. It is almost as if he wants to keep me thinking of him and yet he does not really want to be with me.

He is playing me. How do I play him back?

Thanks again for the newsletters, extremely helpful and insightful.

-G.

Dear G.-

His behavior definitely scares me. He has interpreted the fact that you're moving on as a rejection (even though he pulled the rug out from under you), and I don't think it's overreacting to say he's stalking you. You mentioned he tried to kiss you on the mouth, and you had to work to avoid it without causing a scene. This raises a serious red flag.

I don't know this man, so I don't know if he has a history of violence, but it concerns me that he keeps throwing himself in your path (this business of him showing up at your job is particularly worrisome). I sympathize with your desire to scream at him, but I don't think it would be the best course of action. You've already rocked his world by withdrawing your attention (as best you can, given the circumstances). If you were to scream at him, especially publicly, you might shatter his warped ego, and who knows what he'd do.

I don't want to worry you (and, as you know, I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist), but I do want you to be safe. When he makes an appearance, it'll be tricky, but look happy to see him. Be pleasant. If he pretends to be your best friend, pretend to be his. And then safely move on.

If he pulls his garbage while you're on a date, manage to tell the date, "I'm sorry. I'll explain later." Tell him later on that you once went out with this guy, and at one point you actually cared for him, but things have gotten very strange. Don't blow your whole evening discussing your former relationship, but do let the new guy know that you've moved on.

If the player persists in popping up, contact the police and tell them what you've told me. In the meantime, avoid being alone with him at all costs. Take populated streets.

I'm not really equipped to tell you what to do when he forces a kiss on you (which qualifies as assault) in public, especially since you fear some sort of outburst if you protest. From what you said about avoiding a scene, I don't know that a straightforward approach would work (as in, "You know, I really cared about you, but it's over now. Don't kiss me.")

If any readers have experience with this kind of situation, I would really like to hear from them. Please leave a comment. I've asked my husband's opinion, and he doesn't like the sound of any of this.

Nobody should have to deal with this nonsense, G. I hope I've been able to offer some help.

-Terry

John Adams, It's the Fourth of July!

I heard such good things about the John Adams miniseries starring Paul Giammati and Laura Linney that I put it on my Netflix queue a couple of weeks ago. The series was based on the biography of Adams by David McCullough. I've had a copy in my bookcase since around 2002, but I never read it.

I decided to push the series to the bottom of my queue until I read the book, which is what I've been doing all week. So far I can tell you one thing: John Adams was no Peter Cook.

Later today, Peter (not Cook) and I and the girls are headed to my brother's fiancee's house for a barbecue. The weather isn't great, but that's never stopped us from having a good time before.

If you're in the US, enjoy Independence Day (and if you're not, enjoy the Fourth of July. It only comes once a year)!

Every Woman's Worst Nightmare

The Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook divorce trial is in full swing, blowing minds from coast to coast. I've read tons of criticism about Christie being married four times, but nobody deserves to find out her husband has been living a double life.

The poor woman is living a Lifetime movie.

The scary thing is, many other women will follow this story and conclude that the revelations about Peter (which I have no desire to detail) represent typical male behavior: Men are born to stray.

Some women will tell themselves, "Well, it's okay that my boyfriend said I'm stupid. At least he's not Peter Cook,' or "Well, it's normal that he cheats. If Christie Brinkley can't keep a man faithful, I certainly can't."

It's important to keep in mind those men who didn't and don't cheat, men who love and remain devoted to their wives and girlfriends. I'm thinking about my father, my brother, and my good friend, M, who drove from New York to Pennsylvania to be with his wife on weekends while she studied for her doctorate. I'm thinking of our friend, B, who was devastated to find out his girlfriend of some years was cheating on him. For him, cheating represented the ultimate betrayal. He broke up with the cheater and eventually married a woman who (we believe) shares his values.

So, please don't let this very sad Brinkley/Cook drama convince you to lower your expectations. Men are not all the same.

You Meet All Kinds

If you've been with me for a while, you know I spend a fair amount of time in coffee houses.

There's a whole subculture of people (usually men) who inhabit them, tapping away at laptops. I've met some interesting people, including artists, writers, computer geeks, and students. The man I met today took the cake.

He's a marriage counselor and astrologer who wanted to get married. He'd been divorced and was determined to meet his perfect match. After a while, he went online and met a woman who lived in the area. During their conversation, he ran her astrology chart, and deduced that she was the woman for him.

"I'm going to marry you," he said during their first phone conversation, before he'd ever met her.

She agreed to meet him at a restaurant.

On his way in, he told the hostess, "I'm going to meet my future wife here, so please let her know where I'm sitting."

The woman showed up, they talked, and he proposed to her after an hour.

She actually said yes. He reports that they've been married for over a year, and they're very happy. I'd love to meet her and get her take on it.

I'm on the fence about astrology, so I'll save the lame joke about this being a marriage made in heaven. It's a great story, that's for sure. You may wonder how I-- a person who writes regularly about dating and marriage-- managed to extract it from a perfect stranger.

I didn't. I was setting up my laptop, and we made small talk. Then he told me how he met his wife.

The Law of Attraction strikes again.

She Changed Her Name--for This?

On Friday, the girls and I took my father and Peter out to dinner to celebrate Father's Day, which fell a couple of weeks ago. (You know how that goes: My father spent Father's Day with one of my siblings; Peter and I hung out with his brother and his family).

We went to our favorite American restaurant, where tables are covered with linen, and the dress code is casual but definitely neat. I was enjoying a glass of wine when a couple in their early 30s came in with 3-year-old twin girls. The girls were beautiful, long curly-haired things in bright white sandals and matching sundresses. The husband wore a polo shirt and crisp chinos.

The wife? Well, the wife had on a white t-shirt with a logo on it that made her look like a walking rectangle. She'd thrown her hair up into one of those heinous hinged clips.

She looked strikingly out of place next to her family.

If you gave her a second look, you could see she was a good-looking woman. Under the promotional tee, she had a decent figure. But she's about five years from showing up on one of those makeover shows, where women always confess they let themselves go in order to put their husbands and children first.

It's the EBM syndrome: Everybody But Me. It's hard to believe that it remains prevalent in the 21st Century, but I see these its victims everywhere, especially at church.

The result of ceaseless self-sacrifice rarely results in admiration. People say, "Wow. She looks like crap." And people treat people the way they treat themselves. When a woman says "Everybody but me," nobody's going to disagree with her.

Case in point: During the meal, this woman's husband said not one word to her. I did catch him bark a couple of syllables to one of the twins, but for the most part he kept to himself and shoveled food into his mouth (he's a passable dresser, but he has the table manners of a wolverine).

I had to wonder what this woman was thinking when she raided her bank account (or, worse, went into debt) to pay for her dream wedding to this guy. If she'd known she'd end up his ignored servant in a free t-shirt, would she have bothered?

Probably.

After a while, the twins got restless. The woman stopped eating and allowed them both to sit in her lap, so that her husband could continue his meal undisturbed.

I wanted to slap her.

The Difference Between Love and Self-Inflicted Torture

Hello, Terry-

I love this man. He said he loves me, but he's afraid of his family. We've had sex, but he never calls me or contacts me anymore.

I want him for a life partner. Please give me some ideas. I need him.

Thank you.

P.


Hello, P-

When you have sex with a man, sometimes a little voice tells you that you love him or need him because you had sex with him. You tell yourself you have to love him because you had sex with him, and if you don't love him, oh my gosh, you're a bad person! You buy into the myth that nice girls don't ever, ever sleep with people they don't know well enough to love.

Please give yourself a break.

It's also probable that the attention and affection you received from this person felt great. It might have been the most affection or attention you've gotten in a while, and let's face it, affection and attention can be addictive. You're human, and all humans thrive on affection and attention.

So you're infatuated with the man who provided it.

But is he worth it? Please take a deep breath and consider this carefully.

He doesn't call. He doesn't contact you. He gave you some lame song and dance about being afraid of his family, which makes him rather pathetic. Okay, he's obviously decent in the sack (or you wouldn't be hung up on him), but what else does he have to offer besides excuses and leaving you sad and lonely?

You say you want him for a life partner. Does this mean you want him to be the person you share the newspaper with on Sunday morning, the father of your children, the man who you can rely upon to take care of you if you get sick?

Does he really have the qualities the job requires?

My best advice is to forget this guy. If he comes around again, tell him that you've decided to hold out for a man who loves you, calls you, and never makes excuses.

Terry

Picking a Winner

I enjoyed Susan Courtad's funny and perceptive piece at The Imperfect Parent about Hollywood's single parents. It reminded me of yet another celeb single parent who's in the news lately.

Christie Brinkley, the biggest model in the world during the 1980s, the woman the magazines insisted we aspire to grow up to be, is embroiled in a nasty fourth divorce.

Despite the roller-coaster love life, Christie is still beautiful at the age of 54. The fact that she's beautiful tells me two things:

-Beauty does not necessarily attract love and happiness.

-Beauty attracts certain men who are more interested in being seen with a beautiful woman than in having a mutually-satisfying relationship.

Christie filed for divorce from her current husband after she found out he was having an affair with a 19-year-old girl.

Gross.

Her previous husband turned out to be a disappointment. She claimed she discovered him to be a "totally false person." You think Christie would have learned from this experience and vetted her next husband better.

As for Peter Cook, the husband with the teenaged girlfriend, get this: He has a new lady in his life! There's actually another woman on the planet willing to date this individual.

And then there's Charlie Sheen, who Christie didn't marry, but Denise Richards (whom Susan Courtad refers to in her piece) did. After their marriage exploded, a tape surfaced of Charlie telling Denise to go cry to her "bald mother" who had undergone chemotherapy (and has since died).

Last week another tape surfaced of Charlie calling Denise all sorts of other things that forced him to apologize to the African-American community.

The amazing thing? He's found yet another woman to marry him. Despite his involvement in the Heidi Fleiss scandal (Charlie liked the hookers) and the craziness with Denise, this guy scored another wife.

Sure, it might be cool to have Martin Sheen for a father-in-law. He seems like a lovely man. But if it means I have to show up at the altar with Charlie, I'd rather stay home and read some books.

Some women really need to choose their men more carefully.

How to Have a Summer Romance

Or better yet, how to read the signs when you're in for a serious blow-off:

The Best Weekend Ever

Well, almost ever.

Peter, the girls, and I drove down to Long Island to our friends' block party, where we met up with lots of fun old friends. Then I hopped the LIRR (sans family) to Manhattan to meet my brother and his fiancee to have dinner and see The Cure at Radio City.

The block party was just taking off when I had to leave to catch my train, and I hoped to God The Cure would be worth it. I hate it when you waste hours of your life on a mediocre show. Better to just stick with the Ipod.

But The Cure wailed for three solid hours in which I was transported into another time and another space. Robert Smith may be slightly puffy, but his voice still has the same endearing desperate quality it always did. It was a helluva show. (Take that, Brett Michaels!)

My brother's fiancee, a lovely and accomplished person, said, "Those guys have incredible stamina for old people." I said, "How old do you think they are?" She said, "Robert Smith must be 50!"

Is 50 old?

Turns out Robert Smith is not 50. He's 49, but still? Is 50 old? Is it? I mean, I'm not 50, but if I'm lucky, it's on the horizon.

And, as for ancient Robert Smith and the boys, they performed this 3-hour act after playing Madison Square Garden the night before. My fit 30-something brother, who works out in a gym most mornings and made cracks about some of the audience "getting ready to collect Social Security," had to sit down during the third hour.

"I worked today," he said. "I'm exhausted."

Oh, yeah? So who you calling old?

Real Men Are Not Threatened By Strong Women

So says an ultra-masculine relationship expert by the name of Steve Santagati in this short and compelling CBS segment (preceded by a short commercial). Steve, you're singing my song:

A 'Meaningful Relationship' After Two Dates?

Dear Terry-

I dated a man twice I met on online dating.

I heard a lot from him in the beginning. Then he tapered off. He would catch me at times and email me that he would catch me when he can.

However, when I confronted him to tell him that in order to have a meaningful relationship we should see each other more often. It was then that he told me that in order for us to have meaningful relationship we would have to live closer, so he decided to call it quits.

He is a widower and was once engaged before and broke it off with the woman. I think even if I lived near him, he would have found another excuse to not continue. It seemed like he only wants a physical relationship now. I want to be in a committed relationship. Did I do the right thing by confronting him?

-I.S.

Dear I.S.-

When a guy's calls taper off, you can definitely assume he's not interested in pursuing a relationship, especially when he tells you he'll "catch" you when he can.

So you did the right thing there.

As far as a "meaningful relationship" goes, what does that mean? It means different things to different people. Decide exactly how you define it (and then take the term out of your vocabulary because it scares people).

Determine what constitutes a happy relationship in your mind. In other words, what qualities would the man have, what things would you be doing together 10 years from now?

You need to know, so that the next time you date somebody, you have an internal guide to help you decide whether he's a) the person you'd want such a relationship with, and b) if he's capable of being the one to enjoy it with you.

You won't have to tell him what he needs to do to make your relationship "meaningful." If he's the right guy, he'll be calling you, showing up when he says he will, letting you know he loves you, and making your happiness a priority (as you should make his).

That's not to say that you should ever expect anyone to read your mind. If you have something to say, say it.

But ask yourself how you would feel if a man--after two dates-- said, "You know, Darling, if we're going to have a meaningful relationship, we need to see each other more often."

Would you even know him well enough after two dates to want a long-term relationship with him? For all you know, he could be one of those creeps who got busted on To Catch a Predator.

The next time you meet a Mr. Maybe, take your time getting to know him. If he doesn't call you after a couple of dates, assume he's not the one for you and keep going.

Know what you want from a relationship. Not every man you meet will have the same goals as you, but the right one will. He's out there. Keep moving until you find him.

You Can't Build a Relationship on a Brazilian

Terry-

I want your opinion on this!

I have read in some dating magazines and books that in order to keep that man - take some Advil and go get waxed you know where. Now I have tried the shaving thing, and it's just darn uncomfortable when it grows back in - not to mention hair down there has a purpose. What do you say to the guy who rejects you because you don't spread to have some woman rip away at your nether regions?

Now mind you - I don't care for a hairy back and if given the choice I would prefer not to have an armadillo. I would NOT reject a good man for this. Is it the same fat vs. thin argument? Men are visual, who can blame them and if they take care of themselves why shouldn't you?

For all purposes - I am well groomed, I do shave my legs and pits and don't have loose strands peeking out of my bathing suit. What's the etiquette on Brazilian or not? Plus it's not cheap.

-J.
Canada - home of the beaver!

Dear J.-

Excuse me while I retrieve my head from the ceiling.

First I'll address your question: What do you say to a man who rejects you because you are not inclined to subject yourself to the overrated ritual euphemistically known as a Brazilian?

You tell him, "Try watching a little less porn, Jackass."

The notion that it is somehow your duty to submit yourself to this masochism to please a man is beyond me. I've never--let me repeat--never met a healthy man who rejected a woman based on the appearance of her lady parts (as Tina Fey likes to call them).

The next time you read a so-called women's magazine, ask yourself, "Do I feel better about myself after reading this thing? Or worse?"

If you feel worse, the magazine has done its job, which is to make you feel insecure enough to buy its advertisers' products in an attempt to feel better about yourself. Remember, the function of some advertising is not to suggest a solution to a problem, but to create a problem that the product can solve for you:

Want a man to love you? Today's man can only love you if you appear to have reached the sexual maturity of a First Grader.

Other arguments for the Brazilian include:

-All the hot female celebrities get Brazilians; it's no big deal. Why not you?

-A Brazilian is exotic. You will feel so much sexier!

Listen, if you're really and truly intrigued by the idea of a Brazilian, if it makes sense to you, go for it. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reason, which would be for yourself, not to please or attract some guy.

Let me repeat: I've never met a healthy man (you know, one without a porn addiction or serious control issues) who cared that much about the appearance of his girlfriend's parts. He's just happy she has them.

As for the "men are visual" argument, think about that one for a minute, will you? The Brazilian wax is a relatively new phenomenon. Men and women have been getting along since the dawn of time without it.

Did your mother worry about getting Brazilians to keep a man's interest? Did your grandmother? My guess is that your female ancestors did just fine without paying a stranger to tear sheets of hair from the tenderest spots of their anatomies.

The visual argument is genius. It also excuses tons of bad behavior: Your boyfriend ogles other women? He's not a jackass. He's visual.

The visual argument moves lots of product, let me tell you.

Relationships are based on sexual attraction, sure, but sexual attraction usually develops before you and a man have seen each other naked. Lasting relationships are based on more than sexual attraction. They're based on love, respect, humor, and the desire for the other partner's happiness.

Save your money and your skin. A Brazilian is not necessary to keep a (healthy) man's affection. But a self-involved jerk with a commercially-imposed sense of what's sexy?

That's another story.

Must She Always Be Alone?

Dear Terry,

I am not dating anyone right now. Smart, talented, attractive mid-forties. I keep looking back at my exes. One is married, and another has had a girlfriend for eight years.

I wonder where did I go wrong? How come I am still alone?

I also want to add that I gave up one boyfriend since did not want to get married. But now he is living with his girlfriend of eight years.

Should I have done that? Just lived together?

-Alone for Now

Dear Now-

Do you remember what happened to Lot's wife when she looked back? Well, stop looking back. There's nothing to be gained from mooning over dead relationships that probably died for good reason.

If you didn't want to live with a guy without being married to him, you did the right thing by not living with him. You would not have been happy then, and you would not be happy now.

Chances are, you'd still be trying to convince him to get married, and clearly he wasn't kidding when he said he did not want to get married -- to you or to anyone else (see present girlfriend for evidence).

You ask where you've gone wrong, but maybe you haven't gone wrong at all. Things happen for a reason (I really believe this). Maybe the first guy, the one who did get married, would have made you miserable. Be open to the possibility that you've been saved from something.

You say you're smart, talented, attractive. Be confident there's a man out there who wants what you have.

But let me play devil's advocate:

Say you don't ever get married. Say a prophet just happens to pop over to borrow a cup of sugar and tells you, "God told to me this morning that you're destined to remain alone, so you'd better start enjoying yourself?"

How would you change your life?

Would you travel? Buy yourself flowers? Try new foods? Study Latin? Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered?

You see, I do not believe that a woman needs a man to be happy. (I do believe that if she's going to stay happy she'd better hook up with the right man, however.) I also know there are no guarantees in life, except that we will all die one day.

The job may move to Mexico, the husband may drop dead of a heart attack, the house may wash away in a flood. But you will always have you, so you'd better start enjoying you. Stop worrying about snagging a man.

Keep in mind the great qualities you have to offer. Start enjoying the whole, talented, self-supporting, smart, attractive woman you are. When you feel good about yourself, when you're happy and full, you attract good circumstances and better people.

In the meantime, I recommend you read a fabulous book by a woman who would have traded places with you in a minute. She got a divorce and embarked on an adventure that fed her mind, body, and soul. The book is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Buy it or get it at the library. It's a life-changer.

This Guy Really, Really Wanted to Get Married

So he married a woman a few hours after he met her. They just celebrated their 10th anniversary.

Pretty amazing.

At the Book Club

Last night, I met some friends I've made in the state where it's reportedly impossible to make friends for our book club. (Keep this in mind when somebody tells you it's impossible to meet single men who aren't complete losers.)

The books we discussed were Please Excuse My Daughter by Julie Klam (liked it) and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (liked it, too). We chose two new books for our next meeting (I recommended Me of Little Faith by my hero, Lewis Black, forgetting that a couple of chickens are probably not as laid back as I am about frequent appearances of the F-word. A friend recommended the second book, The Ten Year Nap, by Meg Wolitzer). So we've got one fiction and one non-fiction title to read, and we're off!

We drank wine, ate too much, and sat under the stars on our friend Melanie's deck. What a beautiful night; it made for sweet relief after the oppressive heat and humidity we suffered the previous three days!

Nothing like time out with the females. In case you missed my invitation for a girls' getaway in September, you can see it by clicking here.

Would love to have you!

Tell Him to Have a Happy Life

Dear Terry-

My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for about 5 years. He is 29, a few months ago he received a scholarship from his work to do Masters Degree in UK, which I found out from the other people. Since then he's been treating me like trash, planning his trip without telling me anything, making long calls to certain woman who is in UK, but from here, he denied having an affair with her.

Three weeks ago he took me to his place, telling me he doesn’t want to be cheating anymore; that woman is his girlfriend, he and I have no future together and when he goes to UK they will be together.

I wrote him an e-mail telling him to have a happy life, and he should stop calling and email me because he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with me while there is another woman in his life, when we meet we shall smile. He emphasizes that they are so into it; I said nothing.

He began calling me every day after three days sending texts that he has changed his mind he wants to be with me and take me with him.

The funny thing is our parents don’t know about us. I asked him for something formal which he refused, I respect my parents. I can't just go just like that. As of now, I told him that we should never have sex, and I will never visit his place unless he proves he really wants to be with me by introducing me to his parents and visit mine.

I am confused, Terry. Does he love me, or does he just want to use me because he didn’t say the relationship is over with her? I don’t know what to do.

I need your help.

-Confused

Dear Confused-

Would you allow a friend to treat you this way? Wouldn't you have doubts about a friend who refused to introduce you to her parents? Who announced your friendship didn't have a future, and then called and emailed to tell you she'd changed her mind?

I suspect you'd have serious reservations about such a person. I would, anyway.

You were right (and dignified, I might add) when you told this man to stop contacting you, and to have a happy life. The next time he contacts you, please tell him what he told you: "We have no future together."

Does he love you, you ask? I think a man who behaves this way only loves himself. I don't think he is capable of making you happy. I don't believe he is capable of making any woman happy.

Can you imagine being saddled with this person for the rest of your life? He'd make you miserable.

You're better off without him, but I suspect you already know this. Stop building him up in your mind. Evict him! He's just not good enough for you.

-Terry

Taking a Break

I've been spending way too much time on this computer, and my eyeballs are about to blast out of my head. I'll be taking a break from this page for a couple of days.

Have a great weekend!

A Funny Man Vs. an Unfunny Man

Okay, this post has nothing to do with dating, but I have to get something off my chest.

Last night I stayed up late to work out a computer glitch and ended up witnessing Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Now, Conan bugs me. The guy scrapes for laughs. Case in point was last night's quip about TV Land's new show, She's Got the Look, about would-be models over the age of 35.

Conan said something to the effect of, "It's perfect for viewers who don't prefer their models young and hot."

The joke got zero laughs. Deservedly.

Then he went on to make fun of Ed McMahon, the 85-year-old former Tonight Show co-host, who is in danger of losing his home to foreclosure. That joke also garnered zero laughs.

Talk about crap comedy.

Conan is mean, which is not the same as funny. Or smart.

When he takes over The Tonight Show next year, I'll continue to avoid it (I don't watch it now because Jay Leno isn't funny, either), but I will probably watch Late Night more often (because Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan, and he is).

In happy news, one of my favorite comedians, Lewis Black, who does happen to be smart and funny has just put out a new book entitled Me of Little Faith. I plan to pick it up at full price at the independent bookstore in my neighborhood because I a) love Lewis, and b) I treasure this independent bookstore and want to keep it in business.

Lewis Black is scheduled to appear on Conan this evening to promote Me of Little Faith. I'll tune in, despite Conan.

Guys Who Only Like Their Coffee Strong

Hi, Terry:

I have recently had the experience where a guy I was seeing for about a month sent me a text to say he couldn't see me at the moment as he had decided to get counselling. No phone call..a text..after weeks of a fun time..things going great.

You gave me a great reply to this situation on distancing behaviour from men..a friend of mine said to me today though, that he could understand the guy doing that because I am a strong woman..It's not right..but he understands this male behaviour.

So, my question is...Do you think that women can be part of the problem in scenarios like this?

I am strong..but in an assertive not an aggressive way. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to me, and expect to be treated with respect.

What are your thoughts on men who see the woman as causing the men's reaction in the first place?

Sian

Dear Sian:

I don't care if you burned the guy's house down. There's no excuse for ending your relationship with a text message. I mean, think about it. Who ends a relationship with a text informing you he's off to get counseling?

And your friend's reaction? Pass the smelling salts!

This guy suggests that your former beau's cowardly exit results from your being a strong woman, which he perceives as somewhat scary and unfortunate.

But listen: Strong men are not threatened by strong women. On the contrary, strong men relish and delight in a strong women because they're human. They want a friend, as well as a lover. They want someone they can count on to put them on the right path when they lose their way (because, once in a while, we all lose our way). And even though it frightens them that they may get sick and will die some day, they understand the value of having a partner who possesses the strength take care of them when they do (unless you get sick and die first, that is).

Sorry for being morbid, but this is life, and these are the facts.

Please don't ever question your desire for respect. However, it does concern me when you say you don't want anyone to be obligated to you. I may be misunderstanding you here, but if you mean that you don't want a man to feel that he has to take care of you, please remember:

Every human being wants to feel needed.

So, if you're dating a man, and he asks to do something for you, let him. Of course you can do it yourself, and he's not implying that you can't. He's merely trying to get closer to you. If you like him, you must make room for him. Letting him do little things for you will make him feel valued.

In the meantime, stop worrying about MR G2G2 COUNSELING. A man who breaks up via text is no loss.

Dating for Cash and Prizes

During my single days, I'd go on a first date with the occasional guy who seemed convinced that all women would take him for whatever he was worth.

And there was no second date. Paranoia's a serious turn-off.

But a couple of weeks ago, I came across an article in one of the New York papers that described how one woman Manhattan-dweller is dealing with the rising cost of living. Here's the quote that made my hair stand up on end:

"I've upped the dating," [she] says. "I tend to date chivalrous types who can take me out to nice places. It's helped me survive the recession."

Women like this exist, sure, but I'd die before I became one. I wouldn't want one for a friend, either.

Ugh.

Another Rubberband Man

Hi, Terry-

I am thoroughly confused. A year ago I dated a man who is twenty years my senior. I am twenty-seven. It was a short but very intense relationship. We lived together for about a month.

He has a very bad relationship history (the word Casanova comes to mind), and I doubted throughout if he wanted a serious realtionship. At his age, the longest relationship he has ever been in is seven months! I thought he had changed, as he said he was tired of being in relationships that never lasted and was hoping ours would.

I disliked a lot of things about the relationship- he was very paranoid, jealous and analysed every statement I made. Even though he never said anything, and he denied being jealous, his behaviour proved other wise. I tried to alleviate his fears by trying to let him know that I thought of HIM only and so on. I would call him all the time to tell him what I was doing so he would not have to wonder and suspect anything. He misunderstood my constant communication with him as a sign of neediness and clinginess. Well, to cut a long story short he broke up with me and said he only wanted to be friends as we misunderstood and misconnected.

I was ok with that initially, even though it hurt a lot, because we did fight a lot. Just as I was beginning to get used to a life without him he then started indicating to me that he wanted more. He would invite me to social gatherings with his friends and not indicate that we were not together anymore. He would let them assume and sometimes actually confirm that we were still together, which confused me a lot since I still have feelings for him, and I would take him back if he wanted to work at the relationship.

Currently, I am the one who AGAIN initiates contact. He does not however follow our dinner and coffee dates with a call or so. He acts as though we are together when other people are, but he never makes any contact with me otherwise. I am always the one to call him to ask if he wants to go out for meals or coffee. He always accepts, always hints to a future reunion, his body language says he still finds me attractive but he never initiates contact.

What is going on here? what can I do to turn the tables. I still have feelings for him, but I am tired of feeling used. He is currently still single.

What do you think?

-G.

Dear G.-

I'll tell you what I think: You can do better than this.

Your problem is very similar to the one I answered yesterday, so please read my response there. I'd also like you to re-read your letter to me. Sometimes when we look at a situation in black-and-white we can see it for what it really is.

You say this particular man's body language indicates that he is still attracted to you. That's great. It means a better man will be attracted to you, too.

But you want this man. Why? Why? Why?

Please think about this: What attracts you to a man who is destined to disappoint you every way he can? What attracts you to a man you describe as a Casanova? Who is incapable of maintaining a relationship for over seven months? At 47 years of age?

Which brings me to another thing: His age. When you're 27, being with a man 20 years your senior can be a heady experience. Older people can be incredibly attractive when we're young; they seem smarter, wiser, sexier. But not every older man or woman has grown up from the person they were in their 20s.

Some people resist growth. And an older man who still can't manage a decent love relationship probably falls into this category.

You mention that you disliked a lot of this man's qualities when you were together: His paranoia, jealousy, and his compulsion to analyze every word you uttered. Can you imagine the living hell you'd endure if you married him?

Stop being confused. Stop calling the guy. If he calls you, tell him thanks but no thanks.

You deserve better and you're moving on.

Terry

He Told Her She Was the Most Amazing Person He'd Ever Met (and Promptly Disappeared)

Hi, Terry:

I have been dreading to send you this mail but didn’t know where to start until I just couldn’t go to sleep as I am at the end of my journey.

I met Him in July last year. The first signs that something was wrong was when He gave me a lift home from work and said, "You are an amazing person, I’ve never met anyone like you but cannot see you again." I was convinced, but got an e-mail at work that said, “There’s something I want to show you! Is it possible to see you when you knock off?” Then we were together again. We have been to breakfasts, lakes, lunches, and all of them were magical.

That was only the beginning of my sufferings. We are so different and yet so attracted to each other. Different religion, race, he is 20yrs older …the list goes on! Magic is the only word I can explain what we both feel. But every time we spent time together he will suddenly close up for days on end, and I wouldn’t understand what hit me. As I write this tears just pour down as I know that we are only kept apart by boundaries that He knows of but is not willing to share with me. At times He says that I’m too close or He’ll say “one of these days I’ll surprise you." I don’t know what this is or where it is going….

I have fallen for him, and it makes me sad to know that He doesn’t want me. I have met wonderful people but cannot seem to go on dates or give anybody a chance. I have tried but all these are disastrous and make me feel worse. Nobody has never made me feel the way that he does… We still go to lunch once in a while, I do try to keep my distance but if we are together, every tear and pain melts away. We are not sexually active as He feels that we are not ready. This is frustrating as I‘ve read every book, am a bonafide Christian at age 32 with two beautiful girls….I need to get through this and be normal again.

He does call….but as soon as there’s any connection, He is gone. I love him and I do want him in my life even though he is a different religion. He has all the qualities I want in a man. I have prayed and am not willing to give up on him. Please help…

-Warm Regards But Not Feeling too Well

Dear Warm-

It's extremely seductive when you click with a man, and he tells you, "You are the most amazing person I've ever met." It really seals the attraction, doesn't it?

Because we women have been socialized to believe that someday our prince will come, that we are destined to spend our lives with a soulmate, that some romances are fated from the start, and so on. From the day we are born, it's expected that some man will come for us out of the blue, love us, provide for us, and make us happy.

But it's more important that we love and provide for ourselves and make ourselves happy. A fantastic love relationship is lovely, intoxicating, invigorating, and certainly helpful, but it's not necessary to our survival.

Sadly, so many of us hold onto a relationship because it just had to be "the one" because of the beliefs we've been raised with, supplemented with a comment from a guy like, "You are like nobody else," or "The minute I met you I felt I'd always known you."

It's hard to walk away from a line like that. (I know; I fell for one myself).

And it's especially intriguing when a guy drops a line like that and follows it up with, "I cannot see you again."

What?

And then he calls and asks you to join him in some magical adventure. And you go and say to yourself, "We belong together. It's just a matter of time before he realizes it. I'll make him realize it."

But here's the snag: He's not available.

I don't know whether religion is a factor, or if it's something else. To tell you the truth, it does not matter. What matters is that you're in pain. You're losing sleep over this guy, which means other aspects of your life are suffering, which may include your work, your children, and your ability to have a good laugh with your friends.

In my experience, men who tell you they're unavailable mean it. And that may be a good thing because if you stand back far enough to see this picture clearly, you'll quickly realize that a man who tells you you're special but can't see you again and then calls you bears little resemblance to the man you've built him up to be.

Your mind is a powerful thing. Name one thing about his man that you don't like (there's something). Now imagine having to deal with him and this particular quality on a daily basis. Because people tend to be on their best behavior when they're getting to know another person, you can pretty much bet that this bad quality is only going to get worse.

Say to yourself, "Where the heck does this clown get off calling the shots in my life?" And, "What's his problem, anyway?" (Trust me. He's got a problem.)

Please be open to the possibility that there exists a man who will think you're the most special person on earth and make himself available to be with you. Hold out for that man!

If you doubt this man exists, it's important to ask yourself why. Why can't he? Is there a part of you that doesn't want him to exist? Are you afraid of having a real relationship?

If so, why? Write down every single thing that scares you about it. Don't censor yourself. Then see if it's possible that your fears are justified. Is it possible that they can be overcome?

Very often we become attracted to men we cannot have precisely because we cannot have them (I used to be a pro at this). A little soul searching will go a long way in helping you move on from this situation.

Whatever you do, please stop eating lunch with a man who says, "Someday I will surprise you" and other cryptic nonsense, only to disappear. He is not worthy of you or your time.

I'm rooting for you.

Terry

Gals' Cruise to Bermuda! I'm Going. How About You?

It doesn't matter whether you're single or married. Come alone.* Bring a friend. Bring a bunch of friends. Bring your sister. It only matters that you're up for a good time!

(I sure am.)

Cruise Planner Virginia DeDad, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, and I have put together a 5-day Royal Caribbean cruise, setting sail from New Jersey on September 20, and we want YOU to join us.

We'll dock in King's Wharf, Bermuda.

Our ship, Explorer of the Seas(R) features:

-10 restaurants.
-State-of-the-art spa**
-Bars, a pub, a nightclub, and casino**
-Golf course
-Yoga and fitness classes
-2 pools
-Live entertainment
-Movie theater

(We won't be bored.)

PLUS, SINGLE WOMEN CAN TAKE ANY OF THESE FREE WORKSHOPS (WHILE THEIR MARRIED FRIENDS DO SOMETHING ELSE):

Attract the Man of Your Dreams with the Law of Attraction

Tired of dating the wrong men? Discover how you can bring the right man into your life by unleashing the power of the Law of Attraction. Terry Hernon MacDonald, author of the blog, Dating Advice (Almost) Daily, will give you the time-tested tools to attract a man who'll make you happy.

Flirt School: Increase Your Feminine Allure to Attract More Men

What makes a woman irresistible? Discover simple flirting methods and sure-fire ways to rekindle your feminine charm. Ronnie Ann Ryan, The Dating Coach and author of the book MANifesting Mr. Right, will show you how to become approachable, improve desirability, and connect with non-verbal cues. (Visit Ronnie here).

Date Smart—Savvy Tips to Find Love Now

Do you worry you’ll never find a good man? Learn the most effective dating strategies to find the love you want. Ronnie Ann Ryan will clear up confusion about dating roles, who pays, and how you can avoid the biggest mistakes women make today.

Plus:

If demand warrants, we may offer "Women Finish Rich—Savvy Financial Planning Strategies for a Fabulous Retirement," a seminar with a reputable (but not boring) financial planner in tune with women's unique financial situations.

RATES:

*Depending on availability, Virginia will be happy to arrange a roommate for you.

Inside Cabin:
$849/person, double occupancy

Balcony Cabin
$1149/person double occupancy

Includes all taxes, port charges, fuel supplements.

**Spa services, alcohol, land tours extra

$200 Deposit due by June 22nd
Final payment due on or before July 12th

To make your deposit or for more information, call Virginia with Cruise Planners (she's friendly) at:

1-800-794-0741 or 203-402-0632

Great Flirting Tip

I found a very excellent post on Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan's blog today about getting up the nerve to do whatcha gotta do when you want to get out of a rut and meet somebody.

If you're not familiar with Ronnie, she's the author of Manifesting Mr. Right, which details how she defied media gloom and doom and attracted her own Mr. Right after age 40. Check out Manifesting Mr. Right here.

Click here to check out Ronnie's blog and flirting tip.

How to Tell If He...

The search terms I find in this blog's stat counter reveal a lot, especially after a long weekend. Here are this morning's big four:

-How to tell if he likes me
-How to tell if he wants to be exclusive
-How to tell if he wants relationship
-Stood up

To shed light on the first three, it's never your job to figure out if a man likes you or what his motives are. It's his job to communicate his feelings, and if he doesn't, keep moving until he does. (And if he doesn't, you won't have wasted time on him.)

As for being stood up, well, please believe me when I suggest that a guy's not showing has nothing (really; nothing) to do with you and everything to do with him. Does this make it any less disappointing?

Of course not.

But a guy who's too cowardly or self-involved or forgetful or drunk to show up for a date (or to pick up the phone and give you the courtesy of canceling it) makes lousy boyfriend material.

Be thankful he let you know it before you got involved with him.

Who Cares If You Look Like Hell? Smile, Dammit!

Hey, Terry!

You're f^cking right about feeling good about yourself being the best way to get guys' attention! Did you ever notice even when you look like total crap that if you have that 'smiley attitude' thing going on that guys are on you like bees to pollen? I will NEVER forget the night a friend and I went out for a couple of quick cocktails, and this extremely attractive and well-built school basketball coach (divorced) was already in there when we arrived.

I had on bleached-out jeans, a black shirt with white paint stains on it (my friend couldn't believe I left the house dressed like that!) and black sneakers. My hair looked like I went through a cyclone in Kansas!

This guy smiled and talked to me all night (too bad I was already in a relationship and couldn't take it further!).

I guess the point is that I went out that night with the intention of having fun and totally succeeded, albeit feeling a tad homely. Man, this dude hit on me all night! Terry, seriously, I almost blew off going out that night because of my mirrored distortions!

To hell with that!

This classic moment brought to you by...

-The Girl from Queens

Hello, Girl from Queens-

Your letter brings to mind the time I went out after my grandmother's funeral, and my eyelids were so puffy I looked as if I had chromosomal damage.

Since I'd already lined up the friends and desperately needed a change of scenery from a funeral home and cemetery, I went out anyway. I told myself exactly what you told yourself: The goal is a good time. Who cares what I look like.

I went out, had fun, laughed all night. Ended up getting the attention of one very Bono-esque Irishman. Wound up dating him for a spell.

Funny how that works.

Terry

A Side Benefit of the Postal Service

Stop me if I told you this one already:

I was in a doctor's waiting room when this Australian guy and I started talking. I asked him what brought him to this country, and he told me:

Love.

He'd been living with an American sponsor family while he was doing an internship here. The family had a bunch of children, including a young girl who seemed like a really nice kid.

He went back to Australia and found a card in the mailbox from the really nice kid. He wrote back to her. She wrote to him. He wrote back. She got older. Suddenly, she was no longer a really nice kid but a really nice woman.

A romance blossomed. He said that it meant a great deal to him that this person on the other side of the planet would take time out of her life to put a pen to paper, and then put a stamp on the envelope, and put it in the mailbox.

Real mail is so much more meaningful than email, he said.

He decided to come back to the US to see if his feelings for this woman were real. They were. Now they're married and have a son.

"My wife is the most geniune person I've ever met," he said.

There's a lesson here: Expanding one's social circle is the way to make new friendships and fortify existing ones. Sending a card or letter to a new is one way to do that. Friendships have a ripple effect. They lead to more friendships and opportunities.

I don't suggest (no, no, no!) that you ever send mail to stay on some guy's radar.

That backfires, big time (although the 'really nice kid' is definitely an exception). But do be the woman who sends thank-you notes. Drop a card in the mail to the sick lady you used to run into in the elevator at the office. Remember to send a birthday card to your ex-boss. Successful salespeople do this; they know that remembering people tends to pay off in the long run in unexpected ways.

If you show other people love and attention, that love and attention will come back to you a thousandfold.

If you want love, be its source.

Photo credit: Richard H. Stone, from his and Viveca Stone-Berry's line of Dog Captions greeting card line. Proceeds go to benefit animal charities.

Supporting Our Troops

Here's an entertaining video on the many ways we can do it:

More About Friends

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
-Mark Twain

I love Mark Twain. Peter and I had our wedding reception in the house he once owned, Tappan Hill, located in Tarrytown, New York. For my birthday a couple of weeks ago, we drove up to Hartford to check out the house he lived in during his peak of literary fame (yeah, I know; it's a weird way to celebrate a birthday, but we did go out for dinner afterwards!).

This week, I've been dwelling on the many benefits of friendship, and I like the quote by Twain that opens this post. Viveca Stone-Berry, a friend of mine, has published a bunch of others about friendship on her website to benefit animal programs through the sale of some very funny greeting cards.

Photo credit: Richard H. Stone

How to Deal with a Guy Who Distances Himself

Terry,

What do you think is the most constructive way to deal with distancing behaviour from a guy? He says he has some personal issues to sort out, and he does want to see me, but not yet.

I have given him the space he needs and cut contact completely. I have put myself back on the dating scene again.

If he does call in the future, I dont want to play games, but I am going to be somewhat unavailable.

Do you agree, and how do you do this well?

Sian

Hello, Sian-

Congratulations on getting back on the dating scene. Pat yourself on the back for avoiding contact. You're not waiting around for this guy, and that's a very good thing indeed. Your behavior demonstrates self-resepect, and that's attractive.

If the guy should call you again, I definitely understand your reluctance to play games (it falls under the Golden Dating Rule of "Treat him as you would have him treat you, and if he doesn't treat you as you would treat him, hit the highway).

However, if and when this man comes around, being less available is not playing games. He hasn't earned any rights to your time. Playing games entails looking hard to get. The key is to actually enjoy a full life by making plans with friends, dating other guys (as you're already doing), and keeping busy doing things you love.

Let Mr. Not-Ready-to-See-You earn your attention.

Remember this: Every human being, man or woman, wants to date a prize. Nobody wants to date the person who jumps when the phone rings. By keeping busy, you've eliminated the possibility of being that person.

Now...

I realize that this sounds just dandy, but it doesn't mean much when you obviously like this guy, and he's made himself unavailable.

It hurts.

And it's possible that you can't fully enjoy the other guys you're dating while your heart is set on this fellow who may or may not get around to making you a priority.

The best advice I can give you here is -- and please don't gag --to work on loving yourself. I am dead serious.

You may be thinking, hey, I do love myself. Well, that's probably true to some extent, but love yourself some more. When you love yourself, the good things you attract will amaze you.

It's possible this guy who currently eludes you will pick up on your heightened self-regard and recognize you for the good thing you are. Or, it's possible you'll lose interest (painlessly) in him altogether, and you'll fall for another guy who's totally into you and never lets you forget it.

Now how do you reach these new heights of self-love, you ask? Well, I strongly suggest you start repeating this very effective affirmation:

"I, Sian, deeply and completely love and accept myself."

If you say it as you're looking in the mirror, I suspect it will freak you out. And that's a good thing because you'll realize that you have a little work to do in the self-love department. Keep it up.

Repeat it out loud (privately!) at least 25 times a day. You will feel a shift in your feelings and behavior in a week or so. What's more, you'll see a shift in the circumstances and people you attract.

If I haven't convinced you to try it, please consider this: It's been said that you cannot really love someone else until you love yourself, but I've found that no one else can love you until you love yourself, either.

You deserve the very best in life, Sian, and I suspect you already know that's quite a bit more than a guy who wants to see you, "but not yet."

Go for it.

Making New Friends Leads to All Sorts of Opportunities

I have a theory that if all the people who note on their dating profiles that they "love to take long walks on the beach" actually took them, there would be no need for dating services. They'd meet other people who love taking long walks on the beach, and who knows where that would lead.

But if you hate taking long walks on the beach, surely you like doing other things. So do them. Even if it's knitting, join a group and go. You don't know who's mother or sister is going to befriend you there.

My friend, Kristen, is a writer (among other things) who took to working from a table at Panera Bread over a year ago. Since she's hardly alone in this, she's since met a commercial artist, a doctor/astrologer (yes!), another writer, and most recently "two really cute guys who know all about computers." Kristen's married, so she's not in the market to meet two really cute guys, but surely somebody else is.

If time constraints prevent you from hanging out in coffee shops, don't despair. I made two lasting friends in other countries through Irish Penpals, a free service that connects you with other people of either sex (your choice, and nobody has to be Irish).

At the time I joined, I spent most winter days trapped in the house with two toddlers and was eager to "meet" a new international friend. I've been writing to Elaine in Manchester, England and Petra in Germany ever since.

Irish Penpals reports that at least one marriage has resulted from the service.

Viveca Stone-Berry, who founded Dog Captions cards with her photographer brother Richard H. Stone, recommends that you make a friend of a serviceperson through A Million Thanks (http://www.amillionthanks.org).

If you express your appreciation to someone in our military, you'll be doing a good and worthwhile thing. Good and worthwhile things often lead to more good and worthwhile things -- one way or another.

Photo credit: Richard H. Stone. Proceeds for his hilarious Dog Captions card collection go to animal organizations.

The Wonders of Old Friends (and What They Can Do for Your Love Life)

"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods."
- Aristotle

A few months ago, I met an unhappily married woman with four children, who said, "Friends? I don't have time for friends."

And I thought to myself, "Honey, if anybody needs a friend, it's you."

The husband is one of those characters who doesn't always come home. He thinks it's his prerogative to do what he wants when he wants because he's king of the castle, man of the house, head of the household, and a lot of other nonsense that has no place in a happy marriage.

But anyway...

She doesn't have time for friends. I wonder if she was one of those girls who was raised to bag a man at all costs, and to shuck the female friends once she succeeded in her life's mission.

Fortunately, I wasn't raised that way. Last weekend, Peter and I drove to a neighboring state to hang out with the friend I met over a tomato sandwich in Third Grade (I'd forgotten my lunch, so Sr. Maurice assigned her to keep me company while she made me a sandwich in the convent kitchen). Two of our other friends showed up, as well, one from grammar school and the other from high school.

It gives me peace and joy to know that these people who know and love me to my core -- who've seen me through the goofy times, the sad times, and the embarrassing times--are still with me.

I'm not letting go.

You may not know this, but I met Peter through another old friend I decided to call out of the blue (I'd been visualizing that perfect man, and the Law of Attraction kicked in). Yeah, I did meet him in a bar, but I was out that night with this old friend of mine. And the old friend knew him and provided valuable insight into his character. If you've been with me for a while, you know I'd given up dating until I attracted someone worth dating.

Now, here's an important point: I didn't call the friend to keep me company while I found a man. I don't believe in making people a means to an end. I missed her and wanted to hang out with her, and the fact that I found the right guy in the process was a beautiful side effect.

A couple of weeks ago, I got an email from a friend from college. She graduated ahead of me, and I haven't seen her since. We've been writing back and forth and made plans to get together this summer.

Our renewed acquaintance will definitely lead to new experiences. It will open a universe of new possibilities. I'm eager to see what they'll be.

No doubt you've had friends who are no longer your friends for a reason (I'm talking about the ones who only called you to whine, who told embarrassing stories from your past to strangers, and who sucked the air out of every room they entered). I don't recommend you catch up with them.

But most of us has a good friend from the past we've lost touch with. Why not get in touch? It's very possible you'll open yourself up to new opportunities and, better yet, new friends who may introduce you to -- or may even be -- the person you spend the rest of your life with.

(Photo credit: Richard H. Stone, photographer of the Dog Captions greeting card line, which benefits animal programs. Check it out at http://www.dogcaptions.com.)

Falling in Love By Phone

Dear Terry,

Just want to know if I can find the right one just by chatting with him over the phone? I'm feeling somthing for this guy, but we only communicate via emails and phone calls. I think I'm in love with him.

How do I handle this?

-Falling Hard, Falling Fast

Hello, Falling-

Congratulations on finding someone you click with online and on the phone.

It's important to keep your emotions firmly in check. You haven't met the guy. For all you know, the heat you feel for him now will cool the second you lay eyes on him.

So meet him. You don't say whether he lives in the next town or in a foreign country, but it doesn't matter. To find out whether you want this relationship to progress, you have to meet him.

The next time you have him on the phone, say casually, "You know, we've been talking all this time. Wouldn't it be fun to get together in person?"

Then don't say another word. Let him talk.

If he offers excuses, it's a red flag. Heed it. You'd be wise to cut back on the calls and emails -- or stop them altogether. He could be married or a relentless player.

You can do better than that.

If he says he'd like to get together, go for it. Days before the date, keep a list of your good qualities running through your mind. Remember what you have to offer. There's no reason to be overly nervous.

When you meet him, smile and have a good time. Look him straight in the eye. Give yourself time to decide whether you can fall in love with him.

Terry

Dogs: The Ultimate People Magnet

I'm a cat person. I live in my head. I'm an indoorsy girl.

Over the last seven months, however, my brother and his fiancee have asked us to watch their pug, Wesley, while they travel for pleasure and business. Wesley is a bit more work than our little cat (he showed up here Tuesday with ear drops and a bottle of antibiotics for a double-ear infection), but he's a real attention-getter.

When I walk him, it's amazing how people who never spoke to me before feel free to introduce themselves and pet the little fellow.

Which is news to none of you who own a dog, but if you don't have one and you do possess the means, the love, and the inclination to care for an animal, you might want to change that. Especially if you're interested in meeting a canine-loving member of the opposite sex. A reader wrote to me about a year ago to say she'd met her boyfriend while walking her dog.

Already have a dog? Try walking her in a different direction next time. Shake up your routine. See who you meet!

Now, if you live in a tiny apartment and work odd hours, dog ownership may not be for you. In that case, you might consider doing what my friend, Viveca Stone-Berry does. She's a volunteer dog-walker for an animal shelter in her area. She not only gets the satisfaction of helping animals she loves, but she's made new human friends. She gets regular exercise and has lost weight without wasting gas driving to a gym.

Viveca and her photographer/humorist brother, Richard H. Stone, have come up with a series of amusing greeting cards (named "A Barker's Dozen," heh heh; that's one of his photos above) with proceeds going to dog and cat rescue missions. Click here to check 'em out. Or, if you'd prefer, put http://www.dogcaptions.com in your browser.

They're hilarious.

Read All About It
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When a Man Loves a Woman

Last Friday, Peter and I went to watch a friend's band play in a neighboring town. They sounded tight, played plenty of the same stuff Peter has on his Ipod, and we were happy. Their guitarist that night was a wailer who'd played with Marshall Tucker and some other big bands. He brought the house down.

After they finished, another band by the name of Trag set up, and I said to Peter, "They have a tough act to follow."

Trag started playing. The singer blew me away; her voice had Ann Wilson's power, but it came out like cool water (check out "On the Way Down" on their Myspace page, although it sounds better live). They performed mostly originals, each one better than the last. I usually don't get into songs on a first listen, but they hooked me right away.

After the set, the drummer chatted with me. We discovered we live in the same town. He told me he was married to the singer with the major voice and met her in a university music program.

I told him they were great, bought a copy of his CD, and went home.

The next day, I played it. Five times. I read the liner notes and found that the drummer had written all but one song. A lot of them deal with his love for his wife: "Every time I see you, Nora, you take my breath away."

It thrilled me to meet yet another man who defies the "guy stereotype" the media foist upon women (Exibit A: Bret Michaels; Exibit B: fellows in Axe Body Spray commercials), a male who clearly has a lot going for him and is utterly besotted with one female.

Women, raise your expectations.

Plastic Surgery: No Way to Find Love

If one more middle-class woman tells me she's going to get her eyes done, I'm going to scream. The scary thing is, these women are usually in their 30s. When I ask them why they're going to submit their faces to objects that make them bleed, they point to wrinkles and crows' feet that do not even exist!

Eye jobs, Botox, and collagen injections are increasingly prevalent among the middle-class, and I've read they're paying for it with credit cards.

And here's what really freaks me out: I read a report about women who show up in plastic surgeon's offices with porn magazines and flip to photos of other women's vaginas (vaginae, actually). They tell the doctor, "I want to look like this!"

Many of these women insist they need cosmetic improvements to their lady parts after some horndog suggests said lady parts aren't up to snuff.

Here's a tip for you, Girls: If a man says anything disparaging about your body -- anything at all-- he is not the man for you (and probably not for anyone else, either). Do not reward asshole behavior by going into debt and putting yourself under potentially life-ending anesthesia to please him.

Please recognize the fact that he does not love you. He is not capable of loving anything other than his Girls Gone Wild collection.

If you happen to look in the mirror and see something you don't like on your face, consider the possibility that obsessing about your looks has kept you from addressing another genuine issue. And if you find yourself continually comparing your nether regions to some porn star's, it may be time to find better uses for your time.

Start by getting a library card.

Dealing with the Loss of a Love

Several years ago, a friend lent me a book about EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique, a method that has been shown to help people free themselves of emotional and physical pain and addiction.

A few months later, I met Alison Held, a certified EFT practitioner, at a networking event and learned she did EFT and became even more intrigued. Alison and I got together socially, but I never thought to seek her services in helping me through the death of my mother, a situation which had prevented me from sleeping through the night for over a year.

Eventually, I did talk to Alison about helping me with another problem: My fear of public speaking. We got together to address it, but we ended up dealing with my insomnia instead.

After one session, I slept throught the night. (Yeah, I know it sounds too good to be true, but don't knock it until you've tried it.)

I've since used EFT on my own to address other issues, and that's the beauty of it. You can use it on your own. Go to Gary Craig's website and download the free ebook. While you're at it, check out the introductory 7-minute video.

If you scout around a bit, you'll find articles that address issues that range from ADHD, addiction, fear of flying, insomnia, and, oh, yeah, heartbreak (pop "broken heart" into the search engine).

If you'd prefer not to go it alone, contact Alison Held. She's a gentle soul, and she can help you in person or by phone.

I've mentioned EFT before, I know, but it's just too effective not to mention again.

Change Your Personality to Attract Men?

Dear Terry,

In your newsletter, you mention that it is important to imagine the type of man one wants to be with and think about it often.

I was wondering how this relates to your method. I would like to know if there is supposed to be some spiritual connection, if so is it religious, if it's religious what religion is it based on?

A little bit about me, I see myself as a misfit with most guys because I'm self sufficient. Have my own car, and I work at a prestigious organisation, so a lot of people think I'm rich.

Some men want you to be dependent on them for everything it seems. I'm studying for a masters degree. However, I'm quiet and shy, and spend a lot of time at work and studying.

But I do assert myself and have a few close friends. I keep getting loads of advice because a lot of relatives can't wait to see me married.

Some of the advice ranges from don't be too picky (and this is advice from a woman who is in her 40s never married and now feels that her time has passed), pamper men with treats eg. cookies, cakes because men like food (tried it and it didn't work), go partying, change your personality. I'm willing to change, and I'm working on the shyness. But I really want a man who can appreciate me for me and my quiet self.

The way I see it, not all the girls who marry are loud extroverts, I truly believe that there are guys who like girls that don't club 24/7 and want to live a good life and are independent but respectful.

I guess I'm interested in your method because you keep saying 'focus on your idea of a perfect man'. This goes against the 'don't be too picky philosphy' which I hate. I hate it because I don't know what the limits are in 'not being too picky', I've dated a guy who was less educated but absolutely georgeous, and I loved him or had a serious like for him, and he ended up making his ex girl pregnant.

I tried a "good" boy from church who is just as educated as I am, though he didn't have a car at the time (which I think bothered him), but he ended up mistreating me, which left me in shock because I didn't think he could ever do that to me because of his strong position on Christianity. Not to take too much of your time, since I'm sure you have a million emails to read, I really just want my perfect match.

So I don't have to dumb myself down or compromise myself. That's all I want which sometimes feels like I'm asking the impossible. I want to be happy the day after the wedding, knowing that I made the right decisions. I haven't been in a lot of relationships and don't want to be in alot of relationships, so I tend to chase guys as I realise something about them that I don't like. Seems like I've made a huge statement, please let me know any advice you have for me.

Regards,
Patiently Waiting

Dear Patiently Waiting-

Wow. You've asked a lot of questions, and I hope I don't miss any of them.

First off, I do not have a Master's Degree, but at one point in my life some men actually told me I was "too smart." One guy actually told me he really liked me, but he needed a woman he could "mold." (This broke my heart because I really, really liked him.)

However, it had been my experience that people who pretend to be something they're not, who mold themselves to meet somebody else's expectations, are not ever happy in the long run.

It wasn't until I decided that I would be happier by myself than with someone who didn't love me for who I really am that I met the man who was right for me.

If you've been with me for a while, you know that I struggled with shyness (and still do). I'm an avid reader (just finished Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's Good Omens and dived into Mark Twain's The Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc).

I do like to socialize, but I tend to spend a lot of time in my head. I like to learn new things. I have a million opinions that I am compelled to express.

So I definitely appreciate your desire to attract a very specific type of man: A guy who enjoys the fact that you're intelligent, serene, and curious.

As for men wanting women to be utterly dependent on them: Yes, some men do. The wrong men do. Let me tell you, a widower I know has recently started dating again. He is not interested in the women who come bearing casseroles. He is attracted to smart women his own age he can hold a conversation with (the one he likes now is in thegym at 5AM, has her own money, and is not available every weekend because she has a second house she spends time at in another state).

The idea that you're being too picky is wrong. The idea that you should be baking cakes and muffins is wrong. Think of it this way:If a guy constantly showed up at y our house bearing little trinkets,would you appreciate it, or would you think, "What's wrong with this guy?"

It's been my experience that the guys who constantly send flowers, buy expensive jewelry for women they don't know well are not lucky in love, and the same goes for women who give too much to men.

As for the advice to change your personality, I cannot think of worse advice. The message is that you've accomplished a great deal (education, position, possessions) in your life, but it doesn't mean much when you haven't landed some man.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

I truly believe on this planet there exists a man who would be thrilled to be with an accomplished, smart woman like you. A man who will be grateful he doesn't have to do all the thinking all the time, that he truly has a partner he loves, who loves him, and who "has his back."

The question is: Do you truly want a partner who treats you as an equal? Would you consider him less of a man if he weren't somewhat turned off by your accomplishments?

(I'm just asking. I'm not suggesting it's true of you.)

I surely do not recommend you date a man who mistreats you in any way. You may have been shocked to have been treated badly by the Christian, but Christians come in different stripes. There are the "Treat others as you would have them treat you" Christians and there are the "Wives, submit to your husbands in all things" Christians. And there are the "We hate everyone who isn't like us" Christians.

I happen to be a Christian and choose to hang around with the "Treat others..." crowd.

If you're going to meet a man at church, choose wisely. Remember that some men are attracted to church because they think it's an ideal place to meet a deferential woman who won't expect much. Remember also that when you go to church, people are on their best behavior.

As for my method, it's not based on any religion, although Norman Vincent Peale wrote of the Law of Attraction from a Christian perspective in "The Power of Positive Thinking."

By all means, know the qualities you want in a man. "Feel" yourself in that relationship. Know your own good qualities. Treat yourself as the most wonderful man in the world would treat you: Where would you go together? What would you do? How would his hand feel in yours?

This is the method that worked for me. Critics (who haven't tried it) snipe that the Law of Attraction is wishful thinking. It is not.

It requires discipline to bring that "relationship" to mind before you put your feet on the floor in the morning and before you drop off to sleep at night. It takes effort to fill in the details.

You said, "I tend to chase guys as I realise something about them that I don't like."

Yes, that is a huge statement. I suspect two forces are working in your life right now: Your desire to marry and your desire not to marry.

I strongly recommend you sit yourself down and ask yourself what exactly you fear about marriage. (Your fears are normal, by the way, but they can be overcome.) Is it boredom, childbirth, negotiating a career and motherhood, being pressured to change your name?

If so, decide what you want out of YOUR marriage. Your marriage does not have to be like your parents' marriage, your next door neighbors' marriage,or anybody else's.

Visualize a marriage to a man who has similar values. Open yourself up to the possibility that he exists. In the meantime, limit time with people who make you feel "less" because you're not married (despite your accomplishments), or that imply you must change who you are to make yourself acceptable to men.

As for attracting the perfect man, remember a perfect man does not exist, but the perfect man for you does exist.

Today to Fix Up Three Viewers

It should be interesting, especially with Kathie Lee Gifford on hand to offer commentary.

Her Boyfriend Committed Suicide

Dear Terry-

Firstly I would like to say that I love your newsletters.

My problem started 3 years ago when my boyfriend committed suicide. I was devastated because I loved him with all of my heart. We had been together for 4 years. I believe that he was my soulmate.

I started dating younger guys a year later, even though I fell in love with 2 of them, it was never like my boyfriend who died.

I have 2 problems: The first one is that I can't seem to love any other guy the way I loved my boyfriend. I keep comparing every guy I meet to him, and I need you to help me please, help me stop this bad habit. And another one is that I keep attracting younger men, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm looking for a guy that is more my age. How can I attract guys who are more my age? Must I act in a different way or should I have a sign on my forehead that states my age? I am really desperate, please please help!

Regards,

Desperately Waiting

Dear Waiting-

Yours is probably the hardest letter I've ever had to answer.

I am so sorry about your boyfriend's suicide, and I can only guess the emotions that overwhelmed you after you heard the news. A friend of mine had a brother who killed himself, and her emotions went from falling-down grief to anger to self-blame ("I should have known!"). And then the circle of emotions would start over again.

And your loss is even more profound because you lost the man you loved, your soulmate.

You don't say whether you've gotten professional help to get you through the shock and pain of this event. Please do not discount the peace, comfort, and relief you can achieve by talking to a grief counselor or by joining a bereavement group. You have endured one of the worst blows life has to deal, and I can't imagine you'll be able to move on until you work your way through it.

(An acquaintance of mine lost her sister to suicide, and she runs a bereavement group at her church. Although she will always love and miss her sister, she's been able to move on with her life -- happy marriage and a child-- and now runs the group to help others in her situation).

I did a bit of web surfing and came up with a website for Survivors of Suicide. To view it, click here. I truly hope it helps.

As for your tendency to attract younger men, I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that they sense you're not really available for a serious relationship. Emotionally, you're still with your boyfriend (which sounds pretty normal and natural to me).

I believe you will attract more suitable men once you've come to terms with the terrible ordeal you've suffered.

Thank you for the very kind words. I sincerely wish you every happiness in the world.

Terry

Meeting Men With Brains

I recently received an email from a woman whose friends and family have told her she's too picky, and that she should worm her way into men's hearts by baking them little treats. In 2008!

She said she tried it, and it didn't work (of course it didn't work; talk about begging a guy to take you for granted).

She describes herself as successful, shy, and introspective. She doesn't want to meet men in clubs. I don't blame her; it's impossible to tell if a guy is worth your time when you can barely hear him over thumping music.

I neglected to recommend that she spend more time in bookstores (I'll write to her again to remedy this). Bookstores are perfect for meeting people because you never look funny going in alone, or even sitting alone in the cafe looking through a book and listening to music. And books make great conversation starters.

Interestingly a cruise planner, with whom I hope to put together a getaway for fun-oriented females, told me today that the manager of a major chain bookstore informed her that his busiest 'adult nights' are Wednesdays and Thursdays.

If I hoped to meet an intelligent guy, I'd make a point of popping into my favorite bookstore on an 'adult night,' finding a couple of books to look through, and sitting down with a big fat latte. And I'd become a regular.

My favorite bookstore happens to be a newly-opened independent, and already it's becoming a hub for fun and interesting people. In addition to books and good coffee, the owner offers a roster of author appearances and a weekly workshop for fiction writers.