It's Man-Meeting Season

Oh, yes.

The air is getting crisper, and the fellows will soon be huddled jovially at the local tavern to watch Monday Night Football. If you want to meet a great guy, this is one place to do it.

The bonus to meeting a guy during a sports event in a bar: You get to see how he drinks and how he reacts when his team wins or gets slaughtered. Better to find these things out now than after you've waltzed down the aisle and bound yourself to him for life.

I also just happen to have handy the adult education brochure for my neighborhood, and it's chock full of classes that men are likely to attend. No doubt the one in your neighborhood is, too.

My favorite picks are Guitar for Beginners (likely to attract the guy eager to release his inner Jimi Hendrix), Auto Shop, How to Buy and Sell Real Estate Wisely, and Golf for the Beginner. Personally, I would avoid Line Dancing and Learning to Read the Tarot.

My adult ed brochure also features Basic Auto for Women-Men Invited, which will be taught by a man. I wonder if said man is single. If so, he'll be meeting a group of new women. What a great idea!

What can you teach that other people want to learn? If can whip up an enchilada to die for, you (yes, you!) could offer a course entitled, Mexican Cooking for Men. Or you can offer a co-ed class and see who turns up. One of your students just may turn out to be a woman with a gorgeous brother she'd like to marry off.

I've told you how my male friend, B., set out to meet females by taking a gourmet cooking course. He didn't meet anyone in class, but he did meet his future wife at a party he held at his home to show off his new skills. He invited a select group of people and asked them to bring along a friend, which resulted in introductions to many women.

Before you try any of this, of course, you'll need to believe that good, eligible men actually exist and want to meet a wonderful woman like you (you do know you're wonderful, don't you?).

To facilitate the process, I suggest you study the Law of Attraction. You can buy my book, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams, or view the absolutely brilliant movie, The Secret (I don't make any money on this one, but it'd be a crime to hold out on you).

Tomorrow (well, I hope it'll be tomorrow), I'll tell you about my recent adventure.

No More Panic Attacks (No Drugs Necessary!)

Over the past several decades, I've suffered from insomnia and panic attacks. They usually hit during a big episode in my life, like the night before the 8th grade dance, after the birth of my children, or during the illness and subsequent death of my mother.

About a month ago, a couple of opportunities presented themselves that would make a normal person leap with joy. But they resulted in more scariness and sleepless nights for me. For instance, a national writers' group invited me to be on their TV show. No writer in her right mind would refuse such a gift. I didn't, but I didn't sleep, either.

Enter Alison Held, a practitioner of EFT, a remarkable method that has been useful in ending panic attacks, weight problems, dyslexia, ADD, and a host of other physical or emotional troubles.

I had enjoyed some success using EFT on my own (it's simple to learn), but I couldn't believe the results I got from working with Alison. After just one session, I've slept peacefully every night since our meeting 13 days ago.

I taped the TV show on Monday without sweating, stammering, turning red, or generally freaking out. I arrived at the studio calmly. When I learned that the host had gotten stuck in traffic and would be late, I remained unruffled. Then the crew suffered technical difficulties with the new equipment. I still managed to stay preternaturally calm.

The benefits of one session with Alison just amaze me. I wholeheartedly recommend EFT, and if you'd like to check it out, you can download a free instructional ebook at EFT founder Gary Craig's website.

If you're interested in working with Alison, she does sessions in person and over the phone.

Why do I mention this on a blog devoted to dating? Well, when I was stuck in the groove of dating one unsuitable man after another, I could have used a technique that would have freed me from the limiting beliefs (or emotional blocks) that kept me there.

Your beliefs about yourself determine your destiny, and you can change your beliefs with EFT.

I am off to Florida tomorrow morning. I am embarking on another exciting adventure and will tell you about it when I return.

The World Is Full of Wonderful Men. I Swear.

She sounds like one of those women who hates other women, but she does make a provocative point about how to treat a man.

If you have an opinion, I'd love to hear it.

What's the Point of Getting Married If You're Going to Drop Dead of a Heart Attack?

I have not stepped foot in a McDonald's in years. The food is crap. It's fattening, artery-clogging, and downright bad for my health. Now the fast food giant is enticing future fat asses of America to eat its garbage by offering Happy Meal versions of the #1 gas guzzler.

Register your protest here:

Why Are Women So Eager to Hate Themselves?

That's the question my husband asked me once. (He also asked, "Why do women have such low expectations of men?" but that's a subject for another post).

Yesterday's New York Times Book Review featured a piece on Nora Ephron's new book, I Feel Bad about My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman .

Nora Ephron is a funny, talented woman (she wrote Sleepless in Seattle, among other things), and it's a damn shame that she would waste ink and paper on this drivel. I cannot fathom who in their right mind would pony up $19.95 to read it.

Would you bemoan the state of your thinning neck to a kid in a cancer ward? Only the lucky get old, so get over it. In the meantime, stay out of tanning salons and wear sunscreen.

I'm Not Paying You to Flirt With Me

Hi, Terry-

I met a guy; he's my karate instructor. I see him about four times a week. From afar, I thought he was cute, but he was married. One night he tried to set me up with his friend but ended up flirting with me instead. He was going through a divorce and did not want a rebound relationship. He kissed me and stayed over the night. No, we did not sleep together.

He called the next day to make sure everything was cool between us. He said he was attracted to me and liked me, but he needed to get his stuff together. We went out to lunch with friends the next day. He has not asked me out or called me. I only see him when I go to my training. He still flirts with me all the time.

Since the outing, he makes comments that are a little more than just friends -- for example, do you want my number, you can grab me anytime (it was during a karate move). During another karate move, he started acting like we were dancing. I also catch him looking at me during class.

Is he sending me messages that he wants more than he said, or he is just having fun and figures I am safe to flirt with? I was under the impression he does not want anything right now, or maybe ever.

Thanks-

K

Hi, K-

He said he's attracted to you but wants to get his stuff together. That's fine, but he shouldn't be flirting with you.

He says one thing, and then does another. You can be straight with him and say, "Look, I'm attracted to you, too, but since you don't want a relationship, I'd really appreciate it if we kept things professional. You're the teacher, and I'm the student. Don't play games with me."

Then see what happens. If he continues to flirt, you may have to find another instructor. I have a feeling you'd rather not, but it beats being treated like a yo-yo, especially if you're paying the guy.

You deserve better.

He Doesn't Know What the Hell He Wants

Hi, Terry-

I met a guy. He wants to get married and have kids. He broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. He was up-front about it. He does not like to be alone and goes from one relationship to the next. He admitted that he is a serial monogomist. I told him up front I wanted to take things slow. He said no problem. He was very interested, and we dated for a few weeks until his ex-girlfriend kept calling him. I told him he needed some closure with her. He got back with her, but we had contact again and went out.

He told me he is confused, but I am the type of girl he wants to be with. He knows deep down she is not for him but can't seem to let go. He is the type that likes to be told what to do. I told him that he needs to make his own decision. We hung out and had fun. He kept asking about getting married. etc. I said, slow down; I just want to date and get to know you. Who knows what the future brings? The next day, we text one another, and now I have not spoken to him in four days. I know he saw the on/off girlfriend. He is very honest and always responds, but now he has not.

Is this the typical guy behavior? I do know all about the actions speaking louder than words. I guess I figured he would give the courtesy of calling saying he is staying with the ex.

-K

Hello, K-

No, this is not typical guy behavior. It is behavior typical of someone who doesn't know what he wants and is probably never going to sit down long enough to figure it out.

You sound like a sensible person; you told him you wanted to take things slow, and he told you he wanted to get married and have children. Then he flitted back to the ex-girlfriend he knows is "not for him."

After the disappearing act, the guy couldn't even manage to give you the courtesy of a clear-cut "I'm going back to the old girlfriend." Do you really have room in your life for such an individual? I think you deserve quite a bit more than what he can offer.

Repeat: This is not typical guy behavior.

When dating, use this rule: Treat others as you would have them treat you, and if they don't treat you as you would treat them, hit the highway.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

How Old Is Too Old for Love?

Hello, Terry-

I am 57 years old. Can you still find true love at my age? I sometimes go the psychic fairs and was told I will meet a widower. When I cut my front lawn, I notice a lot of older men drive by in their cars. Also, there a lot of men who shop in grocery stores too.

Thanks,
Sharon of Ohio


Hi, Sharon-

You can find true love at any age! My 68-year-old uncle, who was widowed in November of 2003, married a 61-year-old woman on July 15 (they met while fishing).

Keep getting out of the house, go where the men go, and put a smile on your face. You'll meet somebody!

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Do You Believe in Love at First Sight?

I do, and here's why.

And here's how to tell if that guy who claims he's in love with you is even worth it.

My Poor Brady

Tomorrow marks the broadcast of Christopher Knight's marriage to Adrienne Curry on My Fair Brady. You can catch the episodes leading up to the big event during a marathon starting at 4:30PM.

Former Brady Bunch star Christopher Knight, 48, has visibly aged since he took up with Curry, who's 23. The guy's living proof that shacking up with a woman 25 years younger won't keep you young. Adrienne is going to kill him.

In a past episode, when he admitted his burgeoning feelings for her, she ridiculed him. The fact that he had fallen in love with her wasn't enough; the way he expressed it simply didn't live up to her bubblegum fantasies.

The woman is incapable of remaining clothed for extended periods and enjoys lathering up in the near buff with female friends, which may sound like every man's fantasy, but it seems to be turning into a serious nightmare for poor Chrissie (as Adrienne calls him). His family hates her, and even his former TV mom, Florence Henderson, has expressed reservations.

I am expressing reservations, too. Don't do it, Chrissie. Oh, right; the show is already in the can, which means you probably already did.

The Benefits of Unattachment

My brother and I discussed the positives of being single last night. Number one would be not negotiating with a significant other about where you're going to spend the holidays. You can enjoy Christmas with your own brothers and sisters without fending off cries of, "We went to your freaking family's last year!"

This is only a plus, of course, if your relatives comprehend that being umarried means your existence remains full of possibilities; you are not some perpetual adolescent whose life is jigging past like Michael Flatley in Lord of the Dance. Singles saddled with unenlightened relations would do well to celebrate Christmas alone in Hawaii.

Another great thing about being single: You will probably not discover an email from Amazon confirming your order for fart pens. What, pray tell, is a fart pen? Well, Dear Reader, I wondered the same thing.

Turns out one of my darling offspring got into my Amazon account while I sawed away on my Nordic Track this morning. She ordered said fart pens, which Amazon describes as thus:

"It's a real pen shaped like a finger and when you pull on it, out will come farting sounds. Great for that boring night of homework or maybe make your friends laugh at this very comical pen."

In case you're wondering, I changed the password on my Amazon account. This should be an interesting summer.

Toastmasters and You

Dating tip: If you want to meet ambitious people set on improving themselves, join a Toastmasters group. Chances are, many members will be spoken for, but you never know who they know.

Expanding your social network is key if you want to meet exciting new people. And, at Toastmasters, you'll develop a valuable new skill, which will certainly come in handy when you thank guests for coming to your wedding.

Senior Citizen Dating Tragedies

Yeah, I know. I haven't been here for a while. Here's the conflict: This is a dating blog. Sometimes I want to write about things other than dating, like movies or food or somebody's husband who pisses me off (actually, there are a few of those).

Peter and I have been out and about lately, in restaurants, bars, and such, and I can tell you a few things:

Senior citizens are clueless about dating.

Case #1: The age 70-plus geezer who came into the bar where Peter and I were waiting for a table with a lovely woman around his own age. Turns out, the guy was out celebrating his birthday. Somebody at the bar offered him three wishes. The birthday pensioner exclaimed, "Every woman here is now a blonde."

Since none of the women present had blonde hair, including the elegant woman he came in with, it's safe to say that the rest of his date didn't go as well as he might have hoped.

Case #2: Squeezed into a small table at a hotspot in Monroe, Connecticut, next to an elderly woman wearing pearls and her date, Peter and I listened to her blather on about "my son," "my daw-tah," her ailments, her landlord, and so on. The poor bastard she came in with didn't get a word in edgewise.

At one point, she bellowed, "I'm gonna get drunk. Do you mind? I wanna get drunk." The guy mumbled, "I don't mind." At this point, Peter raised his eyebrows. How'd we get stuck sitting next to her?

When the check came, the guy sitting next to me sighed with resignation and signed it. His date screamed, "Are you drunk? Awww. You're sobah? That's too bad 'cause I'm really drunk!

Case #3: The recently widowed older man who told me, "I don't understand women. I never have." Here's a tip, Buddy: Treat other people as you'd have them treat you, and you should be okay.

Saw The Breakup last night with H. and V. Hilarious and right on the money! What I probably will avoid is the movie featured in a trailer starring Kate Hudson, Matt Dillon, and Owen Wilson. It looked like it might have a few dumb laughs, but Kate Hudson appeared half-dressed in almost all the shots. You might as well do Playboy videos, Kate. What you're doing ain't acting.

A movie called Acceptance, featuring one of my heroes, Lewis Black, looks promising. I will see it. I will also see Clerks 2 before I see the thing with Kate Hudson.

I Would Marry You, Stephen Colbert, If Only I Weren't Already Married

And if only you weren't married!

But you are, and I am. That said, I want to congratulate you on your patriotic and inspiring speech at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner. Perhaps the reason you got so few laughs is because you told the sorry, pathetic truth.

And, boy, does the truth hurt.

I thought for sure that a big white hook would pop out and sweep you from my admiring gaze, or that Laura Bush would decapitate you with her steak knife.

I applaud your courage, Sir.

Dating for the Shy

If you don't know what to say when you meet men, keep the focus on him. Ask him what he likes to do on weekends, what movies he's seen recently, and so on. Don't ask questions that result in a 'yes' or 'no.'

If you ask a guy what he did over the weekend, he might say he went fishing. Then you can ask how long he's been fishing, where he likes to fish, when he started fishing, what he likes about fishing, and so on. People love to talk about things they love, and the fact that you're interested makes you interesting.

Don't worry about what to say next.

Here's the formula: Ask a question, listen to the answer, ask another question. Avoid making inquiries about religion or political affiliation, at least until you get to know the man better. Right now, the goal is to get the guy talking about things he likes to do. He will think you're a brilliant conversationalist.

And, then if the guy has any personality whatsoever, he'll want to know about you. So tell him a little something. Relax: A little information goes a long way, and since you're shy, you may come off as mysterious, which is a good thing. He'll want to get to know you better.

Who wouldn't?

Can't Get a Date?

Yes, you can.

After coming home from seeing Lieutenant of Inishmore on Broadway and enjoying a delightful dinner at Trattoria Trecolori with Peter last night, I caught VH1's very excellent show, Can't Get a Date.

Each episode features a man or woman who's had difficulty generating sufficient interest from the opposite sex. In a low-key, humorous, and unhumiliating manner, the host instructs the guest on what s/he's doing to repel potential dates and how to attract them. I definitely recommend it.

If you happen to be in New York, I heartily (and humbly) suggest you see The Lieutenant of Inishmore. At one point, I laughed so hard I cried.

He's the Man!

Took the train into New York Saturday for dinner and drinks with the girls in Bayside.

Had dinner in Monahan's (note to waiter: good service does not consist of avoiding eye contact and finishing every sentence with, "Ladies;" as in, "Will that be all, Ladies?", "What can I get you, Ladies?", and so on. Yuck).

After dinner, we had a couple of drinks at the bar before M. rolled up to pick up A. The rest of us headed over to Donovan's, which was more crowded than I've seen it in years (not that I get in there much). Really amazed myself by staying out until 2AM. As we left Bell Boulevard, the bars were rocking.

Slept over in Bayside with U. and P. They got a new dog on Saturday, a black lab named Buddy. He's three-years-old and friendly without being slobbery. We managed to just miss the Palm Sunday crowd for breakfast at the Omega on 32nd Avenue. Can't beat breakfast at the Omega! I had a Greek omelet but skipped the home fries and toast in atonement for my gluttony the previous evening (some guy kept putting pretzels on our table in the bar, and I went through two bowls of them).

Met Daddy in Grand Central on my way back home. Went to that "Caffe" downstairs; he had a cup of coffee, and I had a glass of Merlot to right my head. While I waited for him to show at the information booth, some guy in a black ski cap shouted, "Dude!" into his cell phone so loud I nearly dropped my wallet. "I'm at the information booth in Grand Central, Dude!" he boomed. "Sure, you know what it looks like. You saw Madagascar, didn't you?"

Sometimes you don't realize how attractive a person you know well is until you see them in a crowd, and that was the case with Daddy. The guy is 74 1/2, steely-haired, fit, and handsome. He's swimming five days a week and, as always, walks everywhere. If he ever decides to start dating, I suspect he won't be lonely for long. I don't think it's in the plan, though, and my father is not one to ever change the plan.

Can't see him dealing with some other woman and her children, being expected to visit them on holidays. Not in the plan.

Was very pleased to find Peter waiting for me at the station in Connecticut in my Saturn, instead of his monster truck, which gets, like, -6 miles to the gallon. On Friday night, I found him whizzing around a motorcycle website, which means he's getting fuel conscious, but not necessarily in the way I'd hoped.

In brighter news, he did steam clean the bathroom in our bedroom during my absence. (I felt like I was in a hotel when I took my shower this morning). He also laid the forms for the new walk he's putting in the front of our house.

He is definitely the man.

What does all this have to do with dating? Not much, although the boys and girls were out and in fine form in the bars on Bell Boulevard Saturday night. Here's a tip, though: If you meet a cute guy in a bar, it's not necessary to make out with him while waiting for the bartender to pour your drinks.

Work and the Office Lothario

Lately I'm receiving letters from women who've fallen victim to a lothario at the office. The dude showered them with attention. He made numerous offers to run out to Starbucks and get them a coffee, and so on. Flirtation by email followed. Romance ensued.

Then, suddenly, it all stopped. The man ceased all contact. The women, not knowing what they did wrong, struggled to regain his affection. And failed.

They write to me asking what they can do next.

Here's my answer:

Return the guy's lack of interest in kind. Do not, under any circumstances, walk past his desk, email him, or do anything to get his attention. Avoid him at all costs. If you happen to run into him in the hall or at a meeting, keep your back straight and conversation to a minimum.

If he didn't have the courtesy to speak to you before ending the relationship, he doesn't warrant your time. If he did have the courtesy to speak to you, then take him at his word. Terminate any campaign to change his mind.

Repeat after me:

It's his loss.
It's his loss.
It's his loss.

There are bigger fish in the sea.

Forget George Clooney...

I like a man I can sink my teeth into. For instance:

1. Joaquin Phoenix
2. Mark Ruffalo
3. Stephen Colbert
4. Lewis Black

None of them is leading-man handsome, but they all possess a certain (and attractive) intelligence. A sense of humor goes a long way, too.

In unrelated news: The recent torture killing of a young grad student in New York City has completely freaked me out. It underscores the sad fact that just because a woman thinks she knows somebody (in this case, the bouncer in the bar where she was hanging out) or the man seems to be in a position of some authority, it doesn't mean he's a good person.

If you're going to hang out in a bar, go with a friend and go home with a friend. No exceptions. If you meet a guy who has great potential, plan to meet him again in a neutral location. Remember what your parents told you when you were five: Don't get into a car with a stranger.

He probably wouldn't end up strangling you with your pantyhose, but why would you ever risk it?

Stop the Madness. God is Watching!

Nicholas Kristof of the New York Times continues to write of the horrors facing ordinary citizens in Darfur. These people go through life waiting for rapists and murderers to descend upon them, and there's nothing they can do about it.

Can you imaging popping the Gorton's fish sticks into the oven and wondering if tonight is the night your children will be raped and killed? I can't fathom what it would be like to live in that constant state of terror.

Few Americans are aware of this genocide. It's strange; we still talk about the horrors of the Holocaust and ask how it ever was even allowed to happen, yet something similar is going on in Africa, and the networks have turned their backs on it.

That will change tomorrow, fortunately. NBC will broadcast Ann Curry's coverage of the ongoing massacre, but ABC and CBS have yet to step up.

We (you and me) can help the people of Darfur by sending a postcard to President Bush and telling him to put his foot down.

For other ideas, check out Ten Things You Can Do Right Now.

Teri Hatcher's "Startling Confession"

Teri didn't actually "confess" that she was sexually abused as a child. Confession implies guilt, and she was the victim-- not the perpetrator-- of the vilest sort of crime.

According to the Vanity Fair writer who interviewed Hatcher, the Desperate Housewives actress is making the story public only to help other children who find themselves in similar situations.

Which I respect.

What I don't respect is the media sexing this story up for ratings. The only person who needs to confess is the trusted male relative who abused her for his own pathetic purposes.

Project Misogyny

My new hero, Guy Trebay of The New York Times, wrote about a bunch of losers who still haven't gotten over the girls who dumped them in high school.

Stumbled upon a "Christian" website today that tells why it's the woman's responsibility to agree to have sex with her husband even if she's not into it, and why it's her responsibility again to turn him on when he's not into it.

My favorite tip?

"Buy (or make) panties that tie on the sides - you can untie and remove them discreetly in a theater or at a restaurant table."

I must have been out sick the day the nuns addressed that subject.

You Can Meet Men and Get Married

The following is my response to a young woman who responded to my previous post, in which I promised to answer questions about meeting men:

Just when I thought I'd run out of things to write about meeting men and attracting happy relationships, you come along and remind me why I ever started doing this.

I checked out the gorgeous, compelling, thought-provoking photographs on your Flickr account and was blown away. Beautiful, beautiful stuff!

My thoughts about normal young women who don't date: Well, one of the captions on your photos says it all. You say you struggle with being comfortable with yourself. Men pick up on that.

Look, you're an attractive woman. You may not be TV thin, but who is? Furthermore, you're right; lots of overweight women get married, have no trouble getting dates, etc. They feel good about themselves, and so does everybody else.

And then there are the thin, pretty girls who don't feel comfortable about themselves and wonder if people are only interested in them because they fit the current beauty standard. If they were to be disfigured in an accident, would all the attention they've come to expect and enjoy suddenly evaporate?

Understand that you are not alone in the struggle to be comfortable with yourself (most of us are in it to a degree). At one point in my life, the men I attracted were pretty substandard (they picked up on my feelings of inadequacy like a radio signal). And then there were times when I just didn't attract any men at all.

And then, after a guy broke up with me because, as he said, "I was a treasure yet to be discovered," I decided to treat myself as a treasure yet to be discovered. I decided that I deserved love, affection, and to be treated well. And guess what? Once I adopted this mindset, I started to attract more-- and better-- men. I simply didn't have time for the losers.

You must hold yourself in very high regard to attract attention and good treatment from others!

Easier said than done, right? Well, Louise Hay recommends that you repeat the following affirmation at least 30 times a day:

"I love and approve of myself."

Chances are, you'll feel like a complete jackass the first few days you do it, but keep it up. (If you're really brave, you can say it in front of a mirror. Look yourself in the eye). After a couple of weeks, something inside you will start to shift. You'll notice that you're attracting better things.

You also might want to write a list of all the things you have going for you. What do you have to offer? It really helps to know. Keep the list in your wallet, where you can refer to it often.

Furthermore, it wouldn't hurt to check out Jennifer Weiner's blog (http://jenniferweiner.blogspot.com/). She, as you may know, is the author of the very successful novel "In Her Shoes" and once struggled with body image.

She's feeling pretty good about herself today, is happily married, has a child, and is probably rolling in money. Scroll down to the second post, which addresses "American Idol" and the Mandisa issue. Mandisa is the very talented singer who was rebuked by Simon Cowell for being overweight.

How to Meet Men: Tell Me What You Want to Know

Email your questions to me at terry@marrysmart.com, and I'll get back to you.

The Day of Enforced Love and Loneliness

I can really do without Valentine's Day. If married people stopped waiting for a commercially mandated holiday to express their love for one another, there would be fewer divorces. Valentine's Day also manages to make people who aren't in relationships think there's something wrong with them.

It's really rather sad. That said, Peter will show up with a card this evening, so I probably should go out and buy him one, too.

I slipped the requisite chocolate into the offspring's lunches this morning, which they promptly removed to prevent being expected to share with their classmates. The day of love, indeed!

I have to admit, though, my parents loved to celebrate Valentine's Day. They'd hit the stationery store after Mass the Sunday before and pick out the mushiest cards for each other. Last year, when my mother was sick, my father brought her one with a passage in it that nearly knocked me off my feet.

This morning, he had a Mass said for her.

Meet New Men

It's Saturday night. What are you doing at home?

You should be out among the living. Prince Charming is not going to climb through your window to watch the Olympics with you.

Grab a friend and head to your nearest coffee house. Most of them feature live music on weekends. Hang out. If you don't have a friend, go anyway. Order a cup of coffee in a to-go cup and then stick around.

If there's a seat at an empty table, take it. As the place fills up, somebody will probably ask you if they can drag off the other chair. Smile and say, "Sure." If anyone asks what you're doing out alone, just say you popped in for a quick cup of coffee but the music was so captivating you decided to stay. Look approachable.

Sure, it is a bit scary to put yourself in new and uncomfortable situations, but this is how you meet new people.

Meeting new people is the key to meeting "the one."

Pop Culture This Week

Some observations:

The unstoppable Madonna stole the Grammys show.

Two words for Mick Jagger regarding his Super Bowl performance: Long sleeves.

Somebody should tell Katie Couric that encouraging pigeons to eat off her head does not make, as she claimed, "Good TV." It makes "You Are So Desperate to Be Cute I Feel Sorry for You TV".

About that Salmon You're Eating...

Salmon is loaded with heart-healthy Omega-3s, but it may also be teeming with other garbage that could kill you.

This morning's Today Show featured a "flirtologist" who advocates following men around supermarkets. The last man I followed was my Sixth Grade teacher, when my friend Karen and I hid out in the dumpster in front of his house.

Gotta hand it to Dear Abby. She kicked ass today.

State of the Union, Part 2

Be sure to catch the repeat broadcast of last night's Colbert Report at 2:30/EST this afternoon or at 8:30/EST this evening. Colbert's take on the plight of today's American worker is priceless.

State of the Union

Today's contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire hopes to win so that he can pay off his $100,000 student loan.

How to Get Dates

Interesting article on how people are getting dates without a lot of effort.

Dating, Dear Abby, and John Cusack

Interesting comments from guys about dating in today's Dear Abby, particularly one about women traveling in packs, thus intimidating potential suiters. It just goes to show that you gotta go out, but you gotta look approachable, too.

Since nobody likes hanging out among strangers, it's good to bring along a friend or two. But it can scare off the menfolk, so definitely put a pleasant expression on your face. If you accidentally bump into somebody on your way to the Ladies' Room, say 'Excuse me' and smile with your eyes. No matter how bad your day was, don't stand around sniping about your coworkers or your jerk boss. Evesdroppers will mistake you for a bitter shrew, so limit those discussions to the car.

Enjoyed reading The Huffington Post today, which quotes John Cusack, one of my favorite actors.

Huffington says she does yoga while watching Meet the Press. Whatever gets you through it, I guess. I like to listen to George Harrison while watching Meet the Press , or during reports that politicians who scare me have been elected.

Confessions of an Indiscriminate Dater

The Today Show covered the fun and not-so-fun adventures of a woman who said yes to every guy who asked her out.

Dating the Fun Way

Found a fun, free dating site based in England. The benefit is you might hook up with a lovely American man, but if you're so inclined, you can search the site for a British guy, too.

If you've ever dreamed of having an English accent tickling your ear when you wake up in the morning, this could be your ticket.

The Secret to Happiness

Worthwhile information from Michael J. Fox's father-in-law.

In other happy news, I received the following letter from a satisfied reader of my ebook, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams:

Hi Terry,

Just thought I'd send you an update. After reading your book and following your advice, I finally got an "I love you" from my boyfriend. "Boyfriend," that's new too. He's finally broken down and started calling me his girlfriend, and he refers to himself as my boyfriend. Only took eight months! He's very much worth the wait. He's still wonderful. We haven't even had a single arguement yet. Believe me, if I marry him, you'll have another wedding invitation to add to your treasures.

Thanks for writing your book.

-D.

Letters like this make my day!

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt

All I have to say is, God bless Jennifer Aniston. And that's all I'm going to say.

Saw a segment on yesterday's Today Show that utterly and completely freaked me out. Check under Top Stories for Prevention Magazine's report on why watching too much Conan O'Brien might kill you.

Jesus Who?

After a Christmas that seemed it would never end (not the actual day, which was fun, but the ancillary crap that was not), I got hit with not one, but two rotten colds. And, even though I went to church Christmas Day, Jesus seemed beside the point.

I've been in bed for three days. I have not written a single New Year's resolution. I barely had the ambition to sit through The View.

Did catch David Letterman mop the floor with Bill O'Reilly the other night. Oh, that was great.

Stood Up, Part 2

More on dealing with a No-Show Joe from Sarah Tanner.

Turn up your speakers. It's quick, and it's worth a listen.

He Stood You Up?

You met a guy. He asked you out. He never showed up.

Sarah Tanner will tell you how to fix him.

Meet Men the Easy Way

Today's Dear Abby featured a letter from a woman who met her husband (and best friend) of 15 years through "Operation Dear Abby," the program where civilians email letters of support to American servicemen.

Granted, not everybody is going to meet the man of her dreams this way, but it's a nice option for getting to know somebody new. It's free, and you don't have to dress up.

This week's Attracting True Love newsletter will probably go out today. Want it? Sign up now. It's free, too.

Damage Control Has Gotten Old

For the second time in two days, President Bush has been up on his podium pulling our patriotic heartstrings on the subject of freedom. I wonder how free the displaced former residents of New Orleans feel, especially the ones FEMA plans to kick out of hotels. They're pretty much free to sleep on the streets. I wonder how people without healthcare feel about freedom; they can't get help when they're sick, so they're not free. They're stuck. Same goes for all the people who lost their pensions due to corporate wrongdoing.

So, no Mr. President, I don't think it's okay that you wiretap my phone in the interests of freedom. In fact, I respectfully submit that you stop using the word "freedom" in your speeches (is that word even still polling well?).

And, if you're really so gung-ho on ending atrocities all over the globe, why don't we ever hear you utter the word, "Darfur?"

Dating Tip for the Day

Smiling, yes, just smiling, is an excellent way to communicate friendliness, interest, and openness to possibilities. Once I learned to smile sincerely, even if things weren't going my way, I attracted all sorts of great circumstances (and more and better men to choose from).

For some reason, people like people who smile easily.

So, today I'm forcing myself to follow my own advice. I'll smile even though it's snowing ponies, and my offspring are shouting advice to the oil truck driver whose wheels spin desperately in front of my house.

I'll smile even though I had one measly business call to make all day and, surely, my children are too big, responsible, and considerate to fly in, wailing about what "she did!"

Yeah, right. I hate snow days.

But I'm smiling! I'm smiling!

What time is it? Is my husband on his way home from work yet?

Dating an Aggressive Driver?

Here's a tip: Don't.

He's a jerk, and his behavior will probably creep into your relationship. (Creep being the operative word.)

Feel like I should hit Confession after going to Hel-Mart yesterday. Was duly spanked by readers of this blog, even if it was for a good cause (still don't understand why I couldn't go to Target or, even better, Lord & Taylor; they run excellent sales, you know).

It's cold in Connecticut. Cold! (Well, not if you're from Michigan, but...)

Pre-Christmas Cheer

Finishing up an article on dating an aggressive driver for a Connecticut paper.

I'm blah this week. Scooted into Wal-Mart today (yes, I know; I'm not supposed to go to Wal-Mart, but the domestic violence center that's doing the Christmas gift drive directed me to go there and buy a gift card. Personally, if I had to leave my husband due to any kind of abuse, I would find it doubly depressing to have to shop at Wal-Mart).

Sure enough, I got busted in there by not one but two friends who know my hostile stance toward America's Largest Retailer. Had a bit of explaining to do.

Well, the offspring have unearthed every Christmas decoration from The Year 12 and hauled them up from the basement. Remind me to throw half the crap out when I take it down after New Year's. I'm tired of looking at it.

In happy news, I'm meeting L and A and U and P and A and M for dinner in Manhattan Saturday night. I'm sure it'll be a mad scene with everybody and their Aunt Lucy in to see the tree, but I'm looking forward to it. I need an adults' night out.

In dating news, I put out the most recent newsletter yesterday. If you missed it and would like to get it, email me at terry@marrysmart.com. It's informative (if I don't say so myself), and it's free.

Did you see Jimmy Carter on The Daily Show the other night? Thank God for Jimmy Carter. The man will go down in history as a great man and a great president.

Flirt While You Can

"When you flirt, you gain valuable information about the nature of another person -- his or her sense of fun, adventure, and potential as a romantic candidate. You quickly find out if he's classy, trashy, shy, leering, desperate, sweet, funny, or any combination of the above."

-Sara Tanner, Creator of the LIFELONG FLIRTING COURSE

If you're shy, tongue-tied, or have been out of the dating game too long, Sara Tanner will teach you how to wow the opposite sex.

You'll get lessons and fun assignments via email. Tuition for Sara's course is usually $47.00, but her Thanksgiving week special of $37.00 runs through tomorrow.

How to Get Over a Bad Boyfriend

Dear Terry,

This is probably one of the most stupid letters you will ever read, but I just had to write. I need a slap!

I lived with a guy for two years. He had all kinds of problems, from health to gambling. For the first eight months of our relationship I paid for almost everything. We had plans to move where I am now living, but those plans were cut short. I moved alone. One night after a lot of feelings of hate mixed up with frustration, my washing machine overflowed. I started crying, needed him to hold me, but he took the hammer and broke my washing machine. I told him to leave. I called the cops but didn't sign a complaint. He left. I left. I needed someone to understand me, so I drove 400 miles to my daughter's place (I didn't know what I was doing, what would become of my life. I even thought of ending it).

Then I drove back! I wanted to talk to him, reason with him, but when I finally got home, nobody was there. A few minutes later, there he was with his daughter. Like a bat out of hell he grabbed the satellite machine, the only thing that was his, and I got very angry. Who would do a thing like that after all I had done for him? Who would even think of taking away a stupid satellite machine? Wasn't I worth more than a satellite? Enraged, I called the cops, and he ended up in court.

He cannot be within 500 feet of me for three years! I was shocked to get this news and found out that he was living with somebody else. That should be enough for me to hate him. Right? But I think of him every day. He even came down to see me this summer but says he is afraid of me because I called the cops on him. He leaves me messages on my machine and says he cannot forget me (I'm not stupid. I have a brain).

If he really loved me, he would still be with me. Right? Why am I still thinking of him? He's living with another woman! I know deep down that I could no longer have a trusting relationship with him, and I could not have sex with him again (just the thought that he had sex with God knows who makes me sick). I wish I could meet somebody worthwhile. But I go to bed at night thinking of him, and I wake up thinking of him.

I'm fighting to survive, no job, times are rough. I cannot go out and do things due to a lack of money. Christmas is coming, and I just hate the thought of it. I have found a little job cleaning , but it doesn't pay enough to spoil my grandchild. I wish I was dead!

So, you see, I need a good kick maybe.

-Got a Big Sign Taped to My Back


Dear Big Sign-

I'm not going to give you a kick. For whatever reason, you're hung up on this guy even though he's obviously a bedbug. I'm no psychiatrist, but clearly he has problems. Perhaps he's been horrible to you because he knows he doesn't deserve the kindness you've shown him, and for some warped reason he actually resents you for it.

But enough about him.

A lot of the time we get hooked on people who treat us poorly because part of us (a buried part, I'd guess) thinks we deserve it. Or we get hooked because the person didn't treat us badly all the time; now and again, he actually made us laugh and gave us a warm, glowy feeling inside.

Since you're still obsessing about him, I suggest that you write down every single thing about him that you dislike on a sheet of paper, which you will leave on your pillow. Before you fall asleep at night (when you are tempted to relive the good ol' days), read this list and let it sink into your subconscious. Read it again before your feet touch the floor in the morning.

You might also consider changing your telephone number so that you don't have to hear his voice ever again. He knows he has an emotional hold over you (and even goes on the offensive by saying he's afraid of your behavior--huh?), and so he calls you.

He's living with someone else now, probably sucking her dry. You know perfectly well you're better off without him, but you're lonely. I suggest that you begin to treat yourself the way he should have treated you. Become your very own best boyfriend; it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Take yourself out to a movie (matinees are fairly cheap), buy yourself flowers at the grocery store once in a while, speak to yourself as if you were a beloved child (how would you speak to your grandchild, for instance?). Write a list of your very best qualities and read it often. You have to start loving yourself. You have to start enjoying your own company.

You have the cleaning job. That's a start. Don't worry about spoiling your grandchild. Your grandchild can only benefit from having a happy, healthy grandmother, instead of a sad woman who buys presents but wishes she were dead. See your daughter when you can, but your goal right now is to stop wishing you were dead and start enjoying life, as you deserve to and should.

Is there a community center in your neighborhood where you could take classes cheaply? Perhaps you could learn yoga or something new, which would allow you to meet new people and to feel good about yourself.

My next suggestion is to volunteer in a hospital or someplace else where people are less fortunate. (I know you need money, but I'm talking about just an hour or two every week.) You would meet new people and perhaps come across a paying job opportunity. And the best way to feel better is to help somebody else feel better.

You're in a new place, and you have an opportunity to build a new life. You cared very much (and hard) for a man who didn't value you, but you have much to offer and there are other people who will value that--and you.

I hope this helps, and I wish you the very best of everything.

Terry

Working Mothers Who Can't Get a Break

This morning's Connecticut Post featured a story about a woman who left her children in her car while she went to work her shift at Stop & Shop. She was arrested on two counts of risk of injury to a minor and leaving a child unattended in a motor vehicle. She was also charged with operating a motor vehicle without insurance and misuse of registration plates.

She was released after posting $25,000 bond. She later begged a reporter not to write about her arrest, saying that she is a hard-working single parent who struggles to pay bills and find day care for her children.

Instead of making this woman out to be a villain, did it occur to anybody that she has no choice except to leave her children in her car while she makes money to buy them something to eat?

My next question:

Where is the children's father?

Where the hell is he? Does he offer his children any kind of support whatsoever? Why is this woman forced to leave his children in a parking lot to be able to provide for them? And why am I the one asking these questions instead of authorities who could actually help her?

Wal-Mart and the Running of the Bulls

This Christmas season, I refuse to shop in any store that encourages people to gouge and trample each other in an attempt to score a cheap laptop.

I also refuse to shop in stores that refer to sales as "Door Busters." The day I "bust" a door is the day I start giving cash instead of buying gifts for Christmas.

In its never-ending quest to score unprecedented profits, corporate America would reduce us to animals. Unfortunately, too many of us are willing to let them get away with it.

How to Flirt

I have much to be thankful for this year, including my association with Sara Tanner, an expert on dating and relationships.

She's a shameless flirt who wants to take you by the hand and teach you this alluring art (and, while she and I don't agree on everything, I've learned a good deal from her. She's never boring, that's for sure).

She's offering an e-course entitled "Lifelong Flirting," which is fun and affordably priced. I'll let her tell you:

"Flirting is a subject that has always been close to my heart. Since I was a young teenager, I've collected every book on 'how to get a man' that I could get my hands on. It's a subject that is endlessly interesting, and flirting is certainly one of the most fun parts of the interaction between men and women.

I just started this class earlier this year, and it's my 'baby.' The class includes members who are shy; members who are already experienced flirts - and even a couple of men have joined the class out of their love for women and desire to learn and grow.

It's an online class that you can take at times which are convenient to you - the lessons come to you through email. There are unadvertised bonuses, as well as lifetime membership on the Lifelong Flirting forum. At the end of the class, you also receive a bonus book: 'The Etiquette Handbook.'

Everyone who takes this course comes away with a new understanding of the foundations of flirting, and with the frame of mind to put their new skills into action. The class is being expanded, and as a result, the price is about to go to $47, but for this Thanksgiving holiday week, it will stay $37 to show my own thankfulness for the faithful readers of my own emails. I have over twelve thousand subscribers and I'm very blessed to have them.

I think women owe it to themselves to flirt - married or single. If you don't flirt, you are missing out on one of life's greatest joys - on an inherent part of our birthright as people! Without flirting on some level in your daily interactions, life's a deadly bore!

You can read about the first time anyone every flirted with me - I was a mere 12 years old - here.

Flirting does indeed start early in life. Flirting situations start when we least expect them, too - so every woman should be 'armed' and prepared for this immensely fun and positive aspect of life.

Would you like to learn how to cast a spell on a man?

Then, by all means, join me.

-Sara Tanner

Meet Men, Meet Women

Coming out of the mist to let you know that my correspondent, A., tells me she tried speed-dating with delightful results.

Here's what she says:

"Just wanted to fill you in on my speed-dating event last night. I have to tell you, it was far more fun and less intimidating than I'd anticipated. I actually met someone I found attractive and would like to get to know better. He was interesting, successful, the right age and is a Democrat like me (very important)!

He and I are exchanging e-mails, and I definitely intend to attend another event. It's so much better to see someone face to face, and see if there is chemistry, unlike the Internet personals, where there is ample opportunity for embellishment and outright lies.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that this is a great venue for meeting people. I'll let you know how things go. I may not meet Mr. Right through speed-dating, but the experience was a great ego-builder that let me know that, even at so-called "middle age" (44), I am still very marketable, more so than many of my peers. I received an e-mail today that 7 out of the ten men there last night wanted to get to know me better.

I was skeptical but now believe that this is a very viable option for people to meet, especially busy professionals. Keep your wonderful e-mails and blog coming. We appreciate you!"

And I appreciate, you, A. Thanks for the important information!

If You Want Him to Open Up, Don't Use a Can Opener

Dear Terry,

I want to thank you again for the teleclass. It was really inspirational. I am sure that I can put what you discussed into practice rather soon. I do have a question though. How do you get a man to open up to you about all parts of his life, even those that do not concern you, without curbing his freedom and independence?

-Quite Curious

Well, hello, Quite-

I'm glad you enjoyed the call.

If you're spending a lot of time with a man, he should eventually trust you enough to open up about himself. I wouldn't force anything. If, after a reasonable amount of time, you feel that you don't really know him much better than you did when you first met, you can say, "We've been going out together for (insert amount of time), but I don't know you very well." See what happens.

If he takes that as a cue to be forthcoming, good. If he doesn't, you could make a joke. Smile and say something like, "You're very mysterious, but I'm really into comedies these days." If he remains clammed up, I would take that as a sign to keep moving.

You never want to interrogate a guy, but it's perfectly acceptable to open up about your experiences. For instance, you could say: "My favorite Christmas was (fill in the blank) when (fill in the blank); and "I love the Fall because it reminds me of (insert your very special memory here). This way, you're giving him an opportunity to tell you about himself and his experiences.

A good relationship depends on respect, consideration, and, most of all, communication. You can't do it alone, and you shouldn't try. Be sure to keep that in mind.


Terry

Prescription for a Marriage in Hell

Hi, Terry-

I have been dating my boyfriend for five and a half years. We are 23 years old, and I would really like a commitment. We have talked about getting married, but he says he probably doesn't want to get married for another three or four years. I love him so much, but I feel it's unfair that I have to wait around. It's as if everything is on his schedule. I think it's ridiculous to wait that long. We are thinking about moving in together, but now I'm having second thoughts. I'm worried that if we move in together, we will never get married! He says that moving in together is a commitment in itself. I want to be with him and have a ceremony where we can pronounce our love in front of everyone.

He lives his life and expects me to just follow along. For example, he always plans his weekends around what he wants to do and just assumes I will do what he wants. He doesn't keep me in mind. I took off work on Friday so we could spend time
together (we have completely opposite work schedules), and he slept the whole day! What a waste! When I confronted him about it he says he didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I want him to plan things for us to do, instead of me always having to make the plans and figure everything out. I've just become increasingly angry and feel like he doesn't understand. He says that if we both know that we want to get married it shouldn't matter if it's now or in four years.

Should I stick around or move on? I don't want to wait, and then three years from now have him decide that he doesn't want to get married for another four. Please help!

-Confused


Hello, Confused-

If you're angry now because your boyfriend doesn't consider your feelings, how do you think you'll feel in another five years?

The thing is, you can't make him commit to you (nor should you try). You deserve a guy who's quite literally jumping off the couch to marry you, and he's not doing that.

I understand why you'd want to get married after 5 1/2 years together, but if he's not willing, then it's not your job to change his mind. Instead, you might ask yourself if he's doing you a favor. You're not happy about the way he treats you, and marriage is not going to change him (in fact, he's probably going to get worse).

The idea of proclaiming your love for one another in front of the entire world is romantic, but think about it: A wedding lasts a couple of hours. A marriage is meant to last a lifetime.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you really think you would be happy spending your life with this man (the way he is now, not the way you think he might turn out to be)?

If the answer is no, then you owe it to yourself to move on. If the answer is yes, you truly love him and want to marry him, then I'd advise you to spend less time with him, instead of more. I would definitely never take a day off work to hang out with him, that's for sure. It sounds as if your boyfriend is taking you for granted, and you need to step back a bit.

Be less available.

I'm not telling you to play games. But it's time this guy stopped assuming you're going to do whatever he wants every weekend. You can give him the message by going out with your friends often(if you don't have any friends, make some). If you're interested in learning something new, like pottery, yoga, or beermaking, I suggest you take a class that gets you out of the house one day a week. It will introduce you to new people and new situations, and learning new things makes you more interesting.

If you have a habit of stopping by to see your boyfriend after work, taper that off. Don't see him all the time. Expand your horizons. Do different things with different people.

After a while (or maybe even immediately), he'll either notice and stop taking you for granted, or he won't. If he does, then, good, keep it up (and if you do marry him, keep it up 25 years from now). If he doesn't, then keep moving in the other direction. Build a life for yourself.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you're young. And I'm afraid that if you twist this guy's arm, and he marries you, you'll be a fat old woman in a sweatsuit by the tender age of 30. I'm afraid that you'll be doing all the work around the house, shuttling kids around to soccer and helping them with their homework, while he continues to do what he always did: what he wants.

As far as living together goes, you're right. It's not a commitment, and that would be fine if you were both happy with that. But you're not. So do not move in with him(but if you decide to disregard my advice on this score, make sure you clear up who's going to cook on which nights. In other words, you're not to become anybody's maid).

Please do not let the image of yourself in a Vera Wang dress cloud your judgment. Repeat after me: A wedding lasts just a few hours. A marriage to the wrong guy could mean a lifetime of misery.

Don't believe me? Head to a family restaurant on a Friday night. Check out all the unhappily married couples who talk to their children but not to each other.

I hope this helps.

Terry

How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams

Listed my ebook on a cool new directory.

Want to save $19.97 on the ebook? Sign up for my free teleclass, scheduled for this coming Tuesday, November 1st at 7PM/EST. I'll cram all the secrets to attracting the right man I can into a 60-minute session.

Drop me an email now at terry@marrysmart.com. Seats are going fast!

Tom DeLay's Mug Shot

Somebody take away this guy's motivational tapes.

Get Him to Commit?

Hi, Terry-

This is my first time to your site, and I think your advice is wonderful. Give me your honest advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We don't live together, but he sleeps at my place at least 6 nights a week, and we have a 2-year- old son. Recently, I asked him where our relationship was going, and after a day of silence, his answer was, "I don't want to live together, and I don't want to get married."

We had a huge fight and didn't speak for three weeks. Now he is all loving, and "I miss you, and I don't want us to break up," but after so many years, I am ready for a commitment, and he doesn't want to commit. I spent a long time loving and caring for him, and I think it's clouding my better judgment. I feel confused when I don't think I should be. Any help?

-Confused


Hello, Confused-

Thanks for the compliment.

You obviously have a lot invested in this relationship because you've been in it for six years, and you have a little boy with the man. So it had to be painful when the guy stonewalled you on the subject of commitment, and then had a huge fight about it.

It doesn't seem fair that he sits on your couch, uses your electricity and your phone, consumes the food you buy, and takes up space in your bed six nights a week, only to flip out when you ask him where the relationship is going.

You say that you spent a lot of time loving and caring for him. Now, let me ask you, has he spent a lot of time loving and caring for you?

Are you satisfied with the relationship?

How do you feel when he's with you?

How do you feel when he's away (confident and secure of your place with him, or scared that he's with someone else)?

How does he care for your child? (Does he share responsibilities with you, or are they your problem?)

If he committed to you, what would that mean? (Would he treat you the way you deserve to be treated, or would you always be fighting for his attention?)

If he doesn't commit to you, what would that mean? (Would you be willing to get over him, spend time giving yourself the love and care you once gave him, and ultimately moving on to another relationship?)

When a man refuses to give you a commitment, there's the possibility that he's doing you a favor. Is he?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions, but you do.

I definitely respect your decision to hold out for what you want, but since he's "all loving" all of a sudden, it's probably getting harder to say no to him. But stick to your guns. He's going to be part of your life because he's the father of your son, but, if he remains unwilling to give you the commitment you want, then he shouldn't be allowed to spend the night at your house, eat your food, or watch your TV.

I hope this helps.

Terry

Please Stop Reproducing

Rod Stewart, I'm talking to you.

You've already spawned offspring with Alana Hamilton, Kelly Emberg, Rachel Hunter, and they're just the women we know about. Now your latest girlfriend is pregnant, too.

Yuck.

Does she squeeze her eyes shut during sex? I would. Damn, Man, you're 60 years old!

You're No Paris Hilton

Dear Terry,

I met a man a couple of months ago, and we liked one another. Problem is, I live in the USA, and he lives in France. He asked me for pictures so, I sent him some nice photos of myself.

But this isn't what he wanted. One night while we were IMing each other, he said he had something to show me and sent me a naked picture of himself. I was taken aback for a moment.

The next day he e-mails me, telling me to send him nude pictures of myself. He says he "wants to know all of me." I was polite, but I told him I don't do that kind of thing. When the time is right, he will see me. But not on a screen.

He kept insisting, "If you love me, you will do this." I feel it is emotional blackmail. I told him I respect myself. If it meant not seeing him again then, so be it. He let up on me. Now he is starting the same old story. If I have to hear his reasoning one more time, I will scream!

Why does he insist? Is he mad? Maybe he wants to make sure he is getting "Miss Perfect." If I'm not perfect, then he will go away. Please advise me. I am tired of this. If he wants to be with me, then he must respect me.

I haven't e-mailed him as much. He wants to know what is wrong with me. I don't want to keep going over this subject. Thank you for listening. Help me?

-No Nude Is Good Nude


Hello, No Nude-

Whatever you do, do not--I repeat--do not send Henri naked pictures of yourself. Your instincts are right. Think about it: What if you were to email him the pictures, and he were to get mad at you about something? What might he do with those photos then? Blackmail you with them? Your image could be all over the Internet.

You're also right to take a statement as lame as, "If you loved me, you will do this," as a warning sign. If he loved you, he'd respect your feelings about the matter and let it drop.

I have serious reservations about this fellow. I really admire you for standing up to him, though, and I encourage you to stick to your guns. The next time somebody says, "If you loved me, you'd....," you can answer, "I guess you're right. I don't love you."

You can do better than this clown.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Where Are You, Jon Stewart?

Come back to us, Jon! Your country needs you!

We've gotten six days of pelting rain to make up for the zero days we got over the summer. Connecticut's flooding, New Jersey's flooding, and Long Islanders are suffering massive power outages.

I tried to write acknowledgements to the people who sent flowers and attended my mother's wake, but my fingers are so cold I couldn't write (they're not having much luck typing, either). I probably should have sent acknowlegements earlier, but I wasn't up to it, you know? And the woman hasn't been dead two months yet, so perhaps Emily Post will forgive me.

As for the cold, I suppose I could turn on the heat in here, but I won't. Oil companies are showing record profits; I refuse to participate for as long as I can. I really feel for people who can't afford to heat their homes this winter.

Falling in Love, Not on Your Head

Dear Terry-

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of two and a half years almost three years ago now. We broke up because we were too young and needed time to grow. Although we have tried on numerous occasions to get back together, it has never been successful. We've both had other partners since, but we haven't been happy.

Now he has once again come back to me asking me to try again. I love him more than the world itself, and we get on great but there are a few things I don't understand.

1) Why now after three years?
2) Why is it that if he really loves me does he not ring every day?
3) Does he mean it this time?

How do you answer without saying no, but without getting your heart broken all over again? Plus, he says he can't talk to other women. Does that make me a woman of convenience?

We come from two different worlds, as well; he's a party animal, and I'm a bit more quiet. I prefer to enjoy a night with close friends, rather than go out to a busy night club.

-English Tenderheart



Hello, Tender-

You love him, but you're afraid of being hurt. That seems pretty human to me. Even if you didn't have a history with this guy, you'd be afraid of having your heart broken. The rotten thing about embarking on a relationship is that it requires you to make yourself vulnerable.

That said, you can ease your fear a bit by asking this fellow exactly what you asked me. Why doesn't he call every day if he's so crazy about you? He may have a good reason (maybe he's afraid of making himself vulnerable, too, or maybe it's a case of actions not matching up with words). Why does he want you back after three years? Only he can say, so ask him and look him in the eye when he answers. You're both a couple of years older. Is he willing to spend more quiet nights at home these days? If not, how will you feel about it?

Now, if you're afraid that you're a "woman of convenience," the answer here is not to be too convenient. See him (if, after asking the previous questions, you decide he's worth it), but you don't have to see him every day. Keep yourself busy. Continue to see your friends and, whatever you do, never break a date with a friend to be with him (unless, of course, you get a call that he's been rushed to the hospital).

To your happily ever,

Terry

The Year in Dating Advice

Dear Terry,

I really enjoy the Attracting True Love emails that
you send on a regular basis. I have been saving each
and everyone of them. I deleted them by mistake.
Would it be possible to receive past emails that
you sent your readers this year?

-Hit the Wrong Button


Dear Hit-

Whew! Had to send them one by one, but the ezines are on their way to your inbox. Thanks for the very kind words.

Anybody else who'd like to sign up for future issues of Attracting True Love (the subscription is free), sign up now!

Now I Know How Joan of Arc Felt

Just discovered this Yahoo 1980s radio station (and for the slow people in the crowd...), and what comes on but "Big Mouth" by The Smiths. I love the freaking Smiths. Saw them on the Pier in New York in 1986. The band came on over an hour late, and Morrisey was in a rotten mood, but hey, it was a great show nonetheless.

Oh! Oh! Here comes "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction. Heaven on a rainy Friday afternoon!

Demi, Ashton, Donald, Melania, Tom, Katie

Interesting that, according to TV talking heads, Demi Moore robbed the cradle by marrying a man 15 years her junior, yet 60-year-old Donald Trump announces that he and his 35-year-old wife are going to have a baby, and nobody makes a peep.

Melania must have an excellent sense of humor. Can you imagine banging Donald Trump? Imagine what that flap of hair of his is doing while he's heaving away (sorry for the visual, but it's been keeping me up at night).

I think it was yesterday that Jon Stewart told me that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have a bun in the oven. He did this hilarous bit about Tom's penis leaping off the couch to impregnate Katie. Subsequent talking heads took snipes at Tom being a "43-year-old parent," like the guy has one foot in the grave.

Tom Cruise does carry on like a nut job, so it's fine if Jon Stewart portrays him as such. What I don't get is why the rest of the media keep playing on his--and Demi's--so-called advanced age. Why do people like Mick Jagger (who reportedly travels the globe hitting on young women), Jack Nicholson (who famously dated much-younger Lara Flynn Boyle), and Michael Douglas (who has two children with a woman exactly 25 years his junior) get a free pass?

It's stupid.

From the Mailbag...

Found some interesting stuff in the inbox this week. Here's a sampling:

Terry-

I don't know too many people in any type of business who would take the time to write such a personal response. I think what you are doing is great and a service to many single women. I feel so fortunate to have found your website, because you remind me of myself in so many ways, especially in your viewpoints and background. I saw your beautiful picture, and we even resemble each other in a way(I have red hair too). Hell, I'm damn proud of being Irish, and we are a beautiful people!

-A Fetching Fan of the Cleveland Indians

Funny, I don't remember mentioning being Irish. Is it that obvious? Your lovely comments will keep me warm all winter.

Dear Terry-

I just love all your advice because it's all so true, and it works. Thanks.

-A Lovely Lass from England

Letters like this one make my day. Unfortunately, not everyone's so generous.

Terry-

From your website you look like a prissy bitch who sits at home all day and lets her cats piss all over the house while your hard working husband shleps to work. Now that he does the laundry, maybe you can get him sanitary napkins so he can fulfill your role and you can be the man you always wanted to be. Go back to Long Island you phony bitch.

-A Douchbag in Connecticut

Have you seen my husband? Well, I've seen you (your real name came up on your email, Dimwit). He could mash you like a potato and eat you for lunch. Get help and learn how to punctuate.

Free Teleclass: Attract the Man of Your Dreams!

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Do you dream of getting married to an honest, loyal, loving, successful, fun man but wind up with men who disappoint you?

Would you like to meet a considerate, exciting man who makes your happiness his first priority?

Then join me for a free one-hour teleclass on Tuesday, October 11 at 7PM/EST. I'll teach you the techniques (not tricks!) that work. The teleclass is free (your long-distance rates will still apply), but seats are limited. Write to terry@marrysmart.com to register.

This offer may not be repeated again!

Rubbing it In

At the gas station today, a man asked me if I was "rubbing it in" because I'm still driving around with a Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker.

Well, kind of.

Terrible news about Kate Moss losing three modeling contracts due to cocaine use. This guy she's dating, the unhygenic-looking singer from the Babyshambles, is, according to last month's Vanity Fair, wrecking the woman's life. Here's a lesson for you, Girls: Stay away from druggies.

I really like Kate Moss, as far as models go. The Burberry ads won't be the same without her.

I'm supposed to be putting together a synopsis for my novel. In order to avoid this, I did a little Christmas shopping this morning. I don't think I've ever gone Christmas shopping in September before.

Are You a Romantic?

I saw Bride and Prejudice today, and it made my heart glad. If you have a chance, see it!

Will lend my copy to my amazing friend, V.

My Lipstick is Trying to Kill Me!

My lovely friend, V, sent me a link to a site that tells you what the ingredients in household cleaners and cosmetics are doing to your body. While looking into lipstick, I discovered that my brand (my brand!) contains at least two hydrogenated oils.

I have been known to spend 45 minutes in the soup aisle reading labels to avoid hydrogenated oils (they've been linked to cancer, MS, heart attack, you name it; even the FDA says there's no acceptable level for ingestion). I've sidestepped every cookie-wielding Girl Scout who's crossed my path since those little green goblins allowed hydrogenated oils into their famous confections.

And here I am eating hydrogenated oil every single day of my life through my lipstick! I don't even go out for the mail unless I'm wearing lipstick! I'm doomed!

He Won't Commit

Hi, Terry-

I've been dating a guy for almost five months now. We knew each other before we started dating - while we were both dating other people. A couple of weeks after I broke up with my ex he broke up with his ex. He then asked me out only about a week later. Before we ever started dating, I always talked to my neighbors, including him, about my guy troubles. We had many conversations about why I was gonna break up with my ex and what I wanted from a guy. He would then point to himself and say that he was all of those things that I wanted.

I've been dating him since May. He is the most considerate, attentive, thoughtful guy I've ever dated. My question is at what point should I expect to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend? He asked me to be patient with him because as he says, "I'm not ready to admit it, but I really like you A LOT." I'm not dating anyone else, and he knows it, and I don't believe he's dating anyone else either.

It makes me feel very insecure. In my experience, I would wait for what I wanted and would never get it. I was way too patient. I'd stay in long-term relationships forever. I'm 34 and am not willing to do that anymore. (He's 31.) I just don't want to jump the gun now and do the opposite of what I've always done for no good reason.

We've touched on the subject a couple of times, and he's just admitted that he's basically afraid of a commitment so soon after leaving his ex.

Any opinions?

-Gotta Have Him

Dear Gotta-

I'm full of opinions.

You like him, he likes you, but he's afraid to define it. I can't say I blame him since he's just broken up with his ex, and you just broke up with yours. Getting involved with a new person is scary for so many different reasons. Hey, we've all been there.

I'm not going to tell you to wait around forever, but I don't think you should push the issue, either. He's not ready to commit. Accept that. See him when you see him, but don't be available all the time. If he calls you, call him back, but I wouldn't call him too often. (I know this is easier said than done, but it must be done.)

It helps (and it's attractive) to give him a little space (and I would suggest he give you space if it were he who wrote to me about you), so that he can better define his feelings. Don't play games with him, but he doesn't need to know your every move. Give him a chance to miss you.

Go out with your friends (if you don't have any, make some), and don't always include him in your plans. People with full, happy lives are a turn-on. In the end, if it's meant to be with this particular guy, it'll be, but if you push him to hard, you'll turn him off. That'll end it.

Put yourself in his place: Imagine dating a guy you really like but aren't sure of yet. He calls you 3 times a day, gives you a hard time when you go out with your friends (I'm not suggesting you do any of these things, but you get the picture), and so on. It's a turn off.

Go about your life, and please stop talking to your neighbors about your man problems. They only make you look like a sad sack, most importantly to yourself. Change your self-image. Tell yourself you're young, attractive, and desirable. Repeat. Repeat again.

Act accordingly.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Querying an Agent

I've finished checking emails, taking lessons from Martha Stewart on how to fold a T-shirt (for the second time in three days), and reading the free weeklies lying about the place.

I actually sat down and drafted the query for my novel. Of course I was terrified; just put something down, I told myself. Anything. Move your fingers. The result (and it's just a first draft) isn't bad. At least I don't think it's bad.

Send your good thoughts and prayers my way, if you're so inclined. Time to clean this house; my mother-in-law is back from Nova Scotia and will conduct an inspection some time this evening.

Your Help Don't Cost a Thing

Received a missive from Equality Now asking me to write to Pakistani officials to see that a man, who raped a woman by the name of Dr. Shazia, is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

As I write, the slug still crawls freely along Pakistani streets, while his victim fends off death threats (from her husband's family, who feel her rape has dishonored them, and from certain factions of the government). Equality Now also asked me to email Canadian authorities to give Dr. Shazia, her husband, and son asylum.

You can dash off two emails to help her, too.

It'll just take you a minute or two. You'll be so glad you did.

The Plot Thickens

This letter is a continuation of the story from In the Dark in Canada, whose situation we first addressed yesterday.


Dearest Terry-

The man moved downstairs this weekend, and it just left me rocked. I found myself going into his old room just to be near his smell and vibes, and now he's gone. I really love this guy.

Yes, I know if you look at the details, he looks really bad, but he used to never want to be apart from me. How do you know when to give up on a relationship?

I have been abused a few times, but this man was more than not an abuser. He was my best friend. I've hurt him deeply. I hurt my back at work three years ago and began to abuse painkillers. I went into rehab. He missed me so much that he wanted me to leave the program and come home. This is where it gets gray because I really felt he was being selfish and questioned whether it was love asking me to come home, or something else. I began to question our relationship.

I met a guy at one of the meetings who left me with that "tingly" feeling. There was very little to do at rehab, and I like to write. I wrote a little about him, and then started asking questions like "What am I thinking?" and "Affair?" As I wrote the word "affair" down, I had a strong feeling that was the wrong thing to do.

I left the program early so I could work out my relationship with my guy. He found the piece of paper! (I should've thrown it out because it was garbage.) He walked out on me, heartbroken. His feelings for were tainted. Can a man get over this kind of thing? He's treating me like I cheated on him, but I feel like he read my diary.

Got any more advice?

-Still Dark in Canada

Hello, there-

Okay, so now I know more of the story.

I'm no psychologist, but seems to me that this man had some trust issues, despite the fact that you'd happily been together for several years. I'm not quite sure why he didn't want you to continue with rehab. You needed help. He should have helped you get it.

Now, when he found the piece of paper, had he been snooping or did you leave it in a conspicuous place? Because if he was snooping,that indicates lack of trust as well. But if you left it lying around, perhaps subconsciously you wanted him to know you were attracted to another person. I don't mean you deliberately set out to hurt him, but sometimes we do things to sabotage ourselves without even thinking about it.

So, he found out about this attraction, and now he doesn't trust you. I guess you have to put yourself in his place: How would you feel if you found out he was considering an affair with another woman?

In other words, what would he have to do to win back your trust? Could he? I would think less about him being a man whose mind you have to change, and more about him as another human being whose trust you want to earn back.

But, before you do that, think about this attraction you harbored for another man. Even though you didn't have the affair, it was a possibility for you. This is what's getting the guy. You didn't do it this time, but you might another time. From his perspective, that's a scary proposition.

Just because you move into a house with a guy doesn't mean all the other attractive men in the world will slide off the planet. Temptation abounds. He needs to know that you're big enough to handle it.

If you think you are, then by all means, tell this guy what you told me: Yes, you were attracted to another man, you considered an affair, but didn't go through with it because you knew it was wrong. Tell him you love him.

Then, go back upstairs and back to your own life. Take good care of yourself and your boys. Your guy may need time to think things out in the privacy of his own space, or he may have already made his decision. He may come back, or he may not. Respect his decision and move on.

Before you talk to him, though, consider whether he ever really trusted you from the very beginning. It's hard to build a house on quick sand, you know. And it still bothers me that he took it out on your boys. None of this was ever their fault.

Terry

Scrape Him From Your Life Like a Bush/Cheney Bumper Sticker

Dearest Terry,

I'm 36 years old with two boys, 13 and 15, from my first marriage. I've now been married twice and had basically five failed relationships in 21 years. This last one was 4 years. It seemed like one of the better ones, as he never raised his voice or his fist, worked steady, had a good sense of humor, but some things were not right.

He never wanted to go anywhere and hung out in the bedroom all the time with the TV and the computer. Basically, he ignored the kids. He would never help me out around the house we bought a year and a half ago. He would complain if I asked him for anything. I was unhappy in a lot of ways. I could not pull a compliment out of him, and if I cooked him a nice dinner, I would have to ask him if he liked it, if you know what I mean (like one of your comments on your blog "if you have to get the guy to marry you you'll have to get the guy to do stuff for the rest of your life).

Now he wants out. I really loved and trusted this man, believed him that the life we were building together was forever blah blah blah. Now I have my two kids, two dogs, two cats and I have to sell my house I have wanted so badly and tear everything apart.

I am stuck in the same house with him because we cannot afford to move apart until we sell it. Judging by how little he has done in the past, I can't see him moving too quickly on this.

He is staying in the bedroom beside me and acts like I don't exist. He doesn't talk to me unless absolutely necessary. He would rather hang out with the tenant that he dislikes than me. Now all of a sudden he has a newfound social life that doesn't include me (obviously).

He went to visit his mom for six days, and that time was quite glorious. I really felt that I could move on without him. Now that he's been back, I'm starting to feel upset about the breakup again and wishing we could work it out. I don't want to be dumped. I don't want to let my "baby" go. I don't want turn my life and my kids' life upside down.

We agreed he would move into the suite downstairs; that would make him self sufficient, and I wouldn't have to see him constantly. But he hasn't made the effort to move. Is there any point in trying for the umpteenth time to ask him if he'd give us another chance? On top of all this I lost my job of five years three days ago. I don't have it in me to tell him. He already thinks I'm a loser if he's dumping me-- this will just confirm it.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I find real happiness? Can this be salvaged, or am I even an idiot for wishing so? I really feel like I'm in hell. Got any advice?

- In the Dark in Canada

Dear In the Dark-

Do I have any advice for you? Where do I start?

First off, stop thinking of yourself as a loser. Immediately. You're not a loser. You've made a bad choice in letting this guy jerk you around, but that doesn't make you a loser.

Your description of him scared me a bit: You said he "seemed like one of the better ones, he never raised his voice or his fist, worked steady." The fact that he never raised his fist doesn't make him a decent man! It merely means that he may not be a terrible one. What I'm getting from this statement is that you have a history of dating abusers and men who can't hold a job. Come on! You have to set your standards higher than this.

Now, this guy wants out of the relationship. Well, good for him. The sooner you stop "looking after him," perhaps the sooner he'll move into the suite downstairs. If you're still cooking for him, doing his laundry, packing his lunch, it's time to stop. Indeed, if you were both working and contributed to the purchase of your house, it was never your responsibility to do it anyway.

It seems that he does very little for you (and why should he? You have been quite willing to do everything). I've read your letter at least five times, and I'm still trying to figure out what you ever got out of this relationship.

Let's put things in perspective:

1) He doesn't help around the house
2) He never wants to go anywhere
3) He ignores your children
4) You make a nice dinner, and he doesn't thank you for it
5) He doesn't talk to you and pretends you don't exist
6) He has a social life that doesn't include you

You mentioned that he went to visit his mother for a while, and you found the time away from him "glorious" (not "miserable," "tolerable," or "just okay"). You actually used the word "glorious." Glorious! So, where is the conflict here? Get rid of this loser (yes, he's the loser. Not you).

You also mention that you don't want to "get dumped." Why? The guy is doing you a favor. What? Are you afraid your neighbors will think you're damaged goods? Undesirable? Put back on the shelf? A sad old maid? Who cares! Chances are, the ones trapped in their own miserable relationships will envy you your freedom.

I also have to wonder how letting this individual continue to share your home affects your sons. His sorry behavior toward you teaches them that they can disrespect women and still get what they want. And his rejection of them has to be damaging their self-esteem.

Do all you can to encourage this guy to move downstairs: Inform him that he will no longer be living with you and your children. He'll have to manage his own meals. He is no longer welcome in your part of the house.

Once you successfully dislodge this person, it's time to start treating yourself like your own best boyfriend. You must learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company before you can ever hope to attract a man who'll do the same (read this sentence again, please). Money may be tight, but that doesn't mean you can't cook yourself a delightful meal, or buy yourself flowers once in a while. In other words, treat yourself as the most perfect man in the world would.

If friends, coworkers, relatives bring you down about not having a guy, it may be time to phase those people out of your life, as well. You may want to join a reading group at the library (or some other free activity) to make new friends. But you're not to date any of them until you've had time to learn to like being alone!

Spend time with your boys. Have fun with them! By loving yourself and taking care of yourself, you give them a gift. Whatever you do, don't feel guilty because there is no longer a man in their life. The man you're trying to unstick yourself from never really was.

I wish you the best of everything. You deserve it.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

P.S. When you look for a new job, please set your standards reasonably high: You need money, for sure, but you also want to work in a place where they pay you well and treat you with respect.

Another Reason to Book That Vacation

On August 30, I told you how Ellen Schultz will donate a percentage of her commission when you book your next vacation through her website. Well, as you know, things have gone awry in a certain part of this country since then, so Ellen has switched gears.

She'll donate her commissions from now until the end of 2005 to the American Red Cross for the benefit of the victims of Hurricane Katrina. You can book tours, cruises, and flights through Ellen's site, and you can buy travel insurance through it, too.

Got the itch to see Tuscany? London? How about a Hawaiian cruise? New England in the Fall?

Check out Ellen's site and go for it.

Clueless Quote of the Week

"What I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality.... And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

- Barbara Bush, mother of the President of the United States, observing the mulitude of newly homeless families living it up in the Houston Astrodome.

He Left His Wife--- Now What?

Terry,

I fell for a man twice my age, who is married. I decided that he was a no-go, as my parents wouldn't approve. Secondly, he has children my age (21).

However, to my suprise he has left his wife. What do I do now?

-Baffled



Okay, Baffled-

He's left his wife. Ask yourself:

1. Is there any chance he'll go back to her?

2. How do you feel about dating a man his age? How would you feel about it 20 years from now?

3. If things progress, how would you feel about being a stepmother to people your own age?

4. Do you love him (or like him enough to find out if you could)?

5. Do you think he is capable of being faithful to you?

6. Since your parents' opinions matter, will they approve of your having a relationship with an older, divorced man with children?

Only you know can answer these questions. Proceed accordingly.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Her Long-Distance Relationship

Hi Terry,

Two years ago I met a wonderful guy, but I was going through a phase and things didn't work out. Destiny seems to have put us together again, although now he lives in Montreal and I live in Mexico. He now has a job that will bring him to Mexico once every two months.

On his first trip, he was supposed to be here for a week, but he has been here for two-and-a-half and will be leaving on Monday. We've had a really wonderful time together. I really want to make this work, but I don't want to pressure him. He seems very happy too.

What is your best advice on long-distance relationships? We want this to work!

Thanks-
Out on a Limb in Mexico

Okay, Limb-

Before the man heads for the airport, tell him the truth: You care about him, and you hope to hear from him often.

Then let it go. The ball will be in his court, so let him take the initiative and contact you after he gets to Montreal. If he calls and you're not in, call him back. (If you don't hear from him, wait a few days and call to make sure he got home safely. But only call once.)

The man should definitely know that you care about him, but he should never get the sense that you're sitting by the phone waiting for him to call.

While he's away, try not to focus on him as if he's the last bus out of the depot. Make a point to do the things you love. Treat yourself well. Go out with your friends, but keep your conversation about Mr. Montreal to a minimum. Do not obsess over him.

Take comfort in this: You cannot make any relationship, long-distance or otherwise, happen. It will develop in its own time, if it's meant to be, and if you don't push it.

Have a wonderful last weekend with this fellow. When you kiss him goodbye, make sure he knows that you'll miss him. Then walk away and leave the next move up to him.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

Horror in New Orleans

Can't bear to watch any more of the suffering in that magnificent city. All that's left to do now is pray and donate to the Red Cross.