The writer of the following email didn't ask for advice and probably doesn't need any. She's figured things out very well on her own:
Dear Terry:
I am coming out of a relationship which did nothing but take away from me. It's been six months since I left him. We got married two years ago, and he wasn't working then. He still isn't. Every job he finds, he loses. The longest he stays at a job is three months.
I took up responsibilities in terms of paying for all bills because I believed then that was the right thing to do. What did he do in return? He relaxed and stopped looking for a job. What he started looking for and finding were girls. He could change girls like shirts. When I was six months pregnant, he lied to me that he was visiting an aunt in another town for a week. That week turned to a month, and it just so happened that he wasn't even visiting his aunt. He was living with another girl.
When I found out I was so hurt, I almost had a miscarriage. However, I pulled though and delivered safely (thank God). Since the baby was born, he has had five other different girlfriends. I called it quits because I didn't want to have anything to do with him. It's been six months and I don't even miss him. I don't call him, and I consider him a closed chapter in my life, never to be reopened again. Now, he has no money, he can't keep a job, and he has no place to call home.
I've learnt lessons through that experience:
1. I will never enter into any relationship because I feel sorry for a guy. The guy has to show his worth.
2. Once a guy is a loser, chances are he will probably never change. He will forever remain a loser. No need to stick with him. All he will ever do is take from you and deplete you.
3. The power to decide the kind of relationship I want depends entirely on me. I decide what kinds of men should or should not come in my life.
4. Never enter a relationship where from Day One, the woman pays the bills. Some men will take that for granted and expect the woman to do that her entire life.
5. A man has to show his worth (worth repeating).
6. A man who cannot remember your birthdays or special days should be dumped immediately. No need to keep hoping he will change because he won't.
7. Better to be uncommitted to anyone and happy than to be committed to someone and be miserable.
8. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and move on.
9. Don't call the guy you've broken up with. Consider him a closed chapter never to be reopened. He belongs to the past.
10. Live each day with renewed hope that the best is yet to come.
11. When you feel alone, pray and find confidence in God
12. Keep hoping, keep loving, and keep believing.
-Redeemed
Dear Redeemed-
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience. It's a sad commentary that a man like this can attract women he changes like shirts. Here's hoping they see the light.
All the very best to you and your little one.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Law of Attraction Newbie Shares Success Story
If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I believe in and use the Law of Attraction.
So, I just loved reading about how Jeannette Maw's ex-husband used LoA to attract a beautiful dinner date (no problem here; he and Jeannette remain good friends). Click here to read the story.
So, I just loved reading about how Jeannette Maw's ex-husband used LoA to attract a beautiful dinner date (no problem here; he and Jeannette remain good friends). Click here to read the story.
Friday, October 24, 2008
It's Almost Halloween: What Would Audrey Hepburn Wear?
Halloween's a week away, and the pressure's on to find the perfect costume.
If you Google "women's Halloween costumes," you'll come up with myriad "sexy" (depending on your definition of sexy) items that manufacturers claim will make you the most desirable babe at the keg. According to the TV show Extra, short skirts, high heels, and cropped tops (be sure to show that navel) are de riguer.
Wear 'em or be square.
Funny thing is, since this hoochie Halloween trend heated up a few years ago, comedians have taken notice. "Halloween is an excuse for women to dress up like sluts," I've heard more than one male comic say.
Well, we all want to be noticed. We all want to be considered attractive. But it's becoming clear that showing up in the "Gangster Garter Dress with the Rhinestone Money Sign Clip Tie" is probably not the way to a man's heart. (On the other hand, it's definitely the way to some guy's nether region.)
A young friend of mine turned up last Halloween in an-up-to-there skirt and sky-high heels. I can't remember what she was supposed to be (a sexy pirate, a sexy candy striper, a sexy cop -- who the hell remembers?), but I do remember the effect she had on people. The night started badly. She stopped at a gas station, where a bystander requested sexual favors. For the rest of the evening, she continued to get the wrong kind of attention.
If you want love, look lovely. When all else fails, ask yourself: What kind of costume would Audrey Hepburn wear? But if you just want sex, by all means squeeze that hot bod of yours into a sexy cop costume.
If you Google "women's Halloween costumes," you'll come up with myriad "sexy" (depending on your definition of sexy) items that manufacturers claim will make you the most desirable babe at the keg. According to the TV show Extra, short skirts, high heels, and cropped tops (be sure to show that navel) are de riguer.
Wear 'em or be square.
Funny thing is, since this hoochie Halloween trend heated up a few years ago, comedians have taken notice. "Halloween is an excuse for women to dress up like sluts," I've heard more than one male comic say.
Well, we all want to be noticed. We all want to be considered attractive. But it's becoming clear that showing up in the "Gangster Garter Dress with the Rhinestone Money Sign Clip Tie" is probably not the way to a man's heart. (On the other hand, it's definitely the way to some guy's nether region.)
A young friend of mine turned up last Halloween in an-up-to-there skirt and sky-high heels. I can't remember what she was supposed to be (a sexy pirate, a sexy candy striper, a sexy cop -- who the hell remembers?), but I do remember the effect she had on people. The night started badly. She stopped at a gas station, where a bystander requested sexual favors. For the rest of the evening, she continued to get the wrong kind of attention.
If you want love, look lovely. When all else fails, ask yourself: What kind of costume would Audrey Hepburn wear? But if you just want sex, by all means squeeze that hot bod of yours into a sexy cop costume.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Does Society Reward Promiscuous Men?
Every now and then a reader writes an email I can really sink my teeth into. I received one yesterday. It compelled me to respond because I used to have the very same feelings:
I have a question that might work for your dating blog.
As a woman, I feel like I am living in culture where men are rewarded for infidelity, and a man's greatest accomplishment is shagging as many women as he can.
It seems like every famous actor, musician, public figure, or wealthy or well-known man is a cheater or a playboy (Charlie Sheen, Mick Jagger, Hugh Hefner, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Colin Farrell, Warren Beatty, Dennis Quaid, Tommy Lee, etc.). There are so many cases where a woman divorced her famous husband because of cheating, usually with a much younger woman (like Christie Brinkley, etc.).
Popular culture seems to glorify and gratify promiscuity in men. Men with a lot of sex partners are the envy of other men.
Popular culture [promotes the idea] that every man who is remotely successful seems to be a cheater, and that only homely, unsuccessful, and unappealing guys are faithful. Coupled with the decline in marriage, the rising percentage of single people, and the general popularity of bachelorhood in big cities, it seems like the playing field is terrible for women.
Oh, Baby, are you singing my song.
Yes, pop culture definitely romanticizes bad boys, rogues, and playboys. If you believe what you see on Access Hollywood or even in the mainstream press, men are simply incapable of remaining faithful to one woman for very long (that's the successful ones; as you mentioned, the losers don't seem to have any choice).
I've given lots of thought to one of the men you mentioned: Mick Jagger. As recently as a couple of months ago, I read an article about him slyly sliding his hand (which probably looks like a boiled chicken at this point) along some woman's bottom while his current girlfriend's head was turned. All I could think of was, Ewwww.
I mean, look at Mick Jagger. Look at him in 1964, for Pete's sake. Can you imagine shagging this guy? He's about as appealing as a coat hanger.
But as long as he has money, certain women will massage his ego and whatever else (check out a reality show on VH-1 to find out how far women of low self-esteem will go for money or to bask in somebody else's fame). They're not into him because he's loving, or kind, or generous, or funny. He has money. He's famous. He used to be really famous.
Big deal.
Like everybody else, he's going to die one day. What's his legacy? Shagging a bunch of women who didn't love him? Being in a band where the real talent was Keith Richards (for evidence, I submit Richards' solo CD Talk Is Cheap) and Charlie Watts?
Okay, I'm getting off the subject here. Pop culture does indeed glorify the promiscuous man, and I made the leap you're making: The playing field is bad for women. I went around pretty much expecting men to cheat on me. Guess what? They pretty much did.
And then I decided to have a good look around. Maybe if I could change my beliefs about men, I could change the type of man I attracted.
I did have one friend with the scary type of father who liked to ogle teenage girls, but just one. My own father (and his father) considered such behavior embarrassing and "disgusting." A man my father goes to Giant games maintains that a guy his age dating a much-younger woman is also "disgusting." (For the record, my father once caught a still-swinging single, age 50+ Warren Beatty in an interview. "I'm not listening to this schmuck," he said and changed the channel.)
So, not all men are buying this promiscuity-makes-the-man nonsense (oh, and in case you're wondering, my father and his friend absolutely don't qualify as homely or unsuccessful).
Before I became engaged to my husband, I asked him about his parents' marriage. Wanted to know how his father behaved while his mother wasn't around. Peter told me an anecdote that convinced him (and me) that his father not only didn't mess around, he didn't find it honorable or attractive, either.
Over the years, I've known men who feel its their God-given right to inhabit strip clubs and do as they please, but they always seem a bit desperate and unsatisfied. I had a good guy friend who used to sleep around to beat the band. He couldn't go home unless he'd found a woman to share his bed for the night. He had quite a reputation.
One night, I asked him about it. He said something to the effect that he did it to achieve some warped kind of acceptance, and that the sex was never very good. He also reported that he woke up feeling "empty."
Since I've been married, some of our friends have divorced. In only one case, male infidelity caused the rift in the marriage. We have one good male friend who broke up with his longtime live-in girlfriend after she cheated on (and devastated) him. A mutual male friend had this to say on the subject: "These idiots (meaning the guy's girlfriend) watch TV and see all these people having affairs, and they think it's real. They think it's normal."
But it's not.
During my lunch hour one day after I'd become engaged, I stood in a newspaper shop in the Empire State Building reading an article by Father Andrew Greeley, who addressed this subject. (I wish I had it to quote it now.) He wrote that media reports about infidelity are greatly exaggerated. Most married people don't cheat.
This gave me comfort then, and it gives me comfort now.
But here's the thing: If you truly desire a monogamous partner, believe that it's possible that a man exists who will be that monogamous partner. Look, all the attractive people in the world will not slide off the planet the day you get married. After you get married, you will be attracted to other people. Your husband will be attracted to other people. It's human nature.
But it's the nature of a good human to consider the feelings of one's husband or wife, and not to feed temptation. Believe that a human with this nature exists for you, will be faithful to you, and hopes you will remain faithful to him, too.
For more on this subject, click here. And here.
I have a question that might work for your dating blog.
As a woman, I feel like I am living in culture where men are rewarded for infidelity, and a man's greatest accomplishment is shagging as many women as he can.
It seems like every famous actor, musician, public figure, or wealthy or well-known man is a cheater or a playboy (Charlie Sheen, Mick Jagger, Hugh Hefner, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Colin Farrell, Warren Beatty, Dennis Quaid, Tommy Lee, etc.). There are so many cases where a woman divorced her famous husband because of cheating, usually with a much younger woman (like Christie Brinkley, etc.).
Popular culture seems to glorify and gratify promiscuity in men. Men with a lot of sex partners are the envy of other men.
Popular culture [promotes the idea] that every man who is remotely successful seems to be a cheater, and that only homely, unsuccessful, and unappealing guys are faithful. Coupled with the decline in marriage, the rising percentage of single people, and the general popularity of bachelorhood in big cities, it seems like the playing field is terrible for women.
Oh, Baby, are you singing my song.
Yes, pop culture definitely romanticizes bad boys, rogues, and playboys. If you believe what you see on Access Hollywood or even in the mainstream press, men are simply incapable of remaining faithful to one woman for very long (that's the successful ones; as you mentioned, the losers don't seem to have any choice).
I've given lots of thought to one of the men you mentioned: Mick Jagger. As recently as a couple of months ago, I read an article about him slyly sliding his hand (which probably looks like a boiled chicken at this point) along some woman's bottom while his current girlfriend's head was turned. All I could think of was, Ewwww.
I mean, look at Mick Jagger. Look at him in 1964, for Pete's sake. Can you imagine shagging this guy? He's about as appealing as a coat hanger.
But as long as he has money, certain women will massage his ego and whatever else (check out a reality show on VH-1 to find out how far women of low self-esteem will go for money or to bask in somebody else's fame). They're not into him because he's loving, or kind, or generous, or funny. He has money. He's famous. He used to be really famous.
Big deal.
Like everybody else, he's going to die one day. What's his legacy? Shagging a bunch of women who didn't love him? Being in a band where the real talent was Keith Richards (for evidence, I submit Richards' solo CD Talk Is Cheap) and Charlie Watts?
Okay, I'm getting off the subject here. Pop culture does indeed glorify the promiscuous man, and I made the leap you're making: The playing field is bad for women. I went around pretty much expecting men to cheat on me. Guess what? They pretty much did.
And then I decided to have a good look around. Maybe if I could change my beliefs about men, I could change the type of man I attracted.
I did have one friend with the scary type of father who liked to ogle teenage girls, but just one. My own father (and his father) considered such behavior embarrassing and "disgusting." A man my father goes to Giant games maintains that a guy his age dating a much-younger woman is also "disgusting." (For the record, my father once caught a still-swinging single, age 50+ Warren Beatty in an interview. "I'm not listening to this schmuck," he said and changed the channel.)
So, not all men are buying this promiscuity-makes-the-man nonsense (oh, and in case you're wondering, my father and his friend absolutely don't qualify as homely or unsuccessful).
Before I became engaged to my husband, I asked him about his parents' marriage. Wanted to know how his father behaved while his mother wasn't around. Peter told me an anecdote that convinced him (and me) that his father not only didn't mess around, he didn't find it honorable or attractive, either.
Over the years, I've known men who feel its their God-given right to inhabit strip clubs and do as they please, but they always seem a bit desperate and unsatisfied. I had a good guy friend who used to sleep around to beat the band. He couldn't go home unless he'd found a woman to share his bed for the night. He had quite a reputation.
One night, I asked him about it. He said something to the effect that he did it to achieve some warped kind of acceptance, and that the sex was never very good. He also reported that he woke up feeling "empty."
Since I've been married, some of our friends have divorced. In only one case, male infidelity caused the rift in the marriage. We have one good male friend who broke up with his longtime live-in girlfriend after she cheated on (and devastated) him. A mutual male friend had this to say on the subject: "These idiots (meaning the guy's girlfriend) watch TV and see all these people having affairs, and they think it's real. They think it's normal."
But it's not.
During my lunch hour one day after I'd become engaged, I stood in a newspaper shop in the Empire State Building reading an article by Father Andrew Greeley, who addressed this subject. (I wish I had it to quote it now.) He wrote that media reports about infidelity are greatly exaggerated. Most married people don't cheat.
This gave me comfort then, and it gives me comfort now.
But here's the thing: If you truly desire a monogamous partner, believe that it's possible that a man exists who will be that monogamous partner. Look, all the attractive people in the world will not slide off the planet the day you get married. After you get married, you will be attracted to other people. Your husband will be attracted to other people. It's human nature.
But it's the nature of a good human to consider the feelings of one's husband or wife, and not to feed temptation. Believe that a human with this nature exists for you, will be faithful to you, and hopes you will remain faithful to him, too.
For more on this subject, click here. And here.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Single Women Rule
Dear Terry:
I found a man who understands me, loves me a lot, and always wants to be by my side. That is what I thought I wanted all this while, but now it's boring and bothering me.
-Disappointed
Dear Disappointed-
I see two possibilities here:
1) This guy isn't the right guy for you, or 2) you've allowed herself to be sold on the fairy tale of the knight in shining armor when you never really wanted it in the first place.
If this guy isn't the right one for you, let him down gently and move on. See how you feel without him at your elbow for a while. If you think you're ready to meet somebody else, circulate, but instead you may find you're relieved and happier on your own.
Either way, it's a great thing to know what you want in life. So many of us wander the planet unable to decide what's for dinner, let alone if we want to date a particular guy or even if we want to date at all.
If you determine that long-term relationships leave you cold, it's time to find your real passion in life. We all have one, so embark on the heady adventure of finding yours.
In the past few months, Keysha Whitaker and I have gotten together to develop a new website, Single Women Rule, which is definitely a work-in-progress. While the site does contain relationship advice, our mission is to encourage single women to revel in life's magic and be truly fulfilled whether or not the knight in shining (or newly refurbished) armor ever arrives.
One goal is to build a global network of single women who can call upon each other for fun, travel, friendship, careers, and whatever else that interests them. We're also partnering with businesses to offer our subscribers discounts, and we plan to do features on single women who live their passions every single day.
I hope you'll join us.
I found a man who understands me, loves me a lot, and always wants to be by my side. That is what I thought I wanted all this while, but now it's boring and bothering me.
-Disappointed
Dear Disappointed-
I see two possibilities here:
1) This guy isn't the right guy for you, or 2) you've allowed herself to be sold on the fairy tale of the knight in shining armor when you never really wanted it in the first place.
If this guy isn't the right one for you, let him down gently and move on. See how you feel without him at your elbow for a while. If you think you're ready to meet somebody else, circulate, but instead you may find you're relieved and happier on your own.
Either way, it's a great thing to know what you want in life. So many of us wander the planet unable to decide what's for dinner, let alone if we want to date a particular guy or even if we want to date at all.
If you determine that long-term relationships leave you cold, it's time to find your real passion in life. We all have one, so embark on the heady adventure of finding yours.
In the past few months, Keysha Whitaker and I have gotten together to develop a new website, Single Women Rule, which is definitely a work-in-progress. While the site does contain relationship advice, our mission is to encourage single women to revel in life's magic and be truly fulfilled whether or not the knight in shining (or newly refurbished) armor ever arrives.
One goal is to build a global network of single women who can call upon each other for fun, travel, friendship, careers, and whatever else that interests them. We're also partnering with businesses to offer our subscribers discounts, and we plan to do features on single women who live their passions every single day.
I hope you'll join us.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Some Men Really Know How to Commit
You hear so much in the media about men who don't want to commit, so let me share a story a financial planner in my networking group told me.
Two of her clients, a married couple, were about to retire when the husband's company offered him an opportunity to work in China. They readily agreed to take it and set up housekeeping on the other side of the planet. After a while, the couple's very American son came to visit and fell in love with a Chinese woman. The parents eventually returned to the US. The son, however, married the object of his affection and remained in China.
Some commitment, eh?
This story reminded me of something I heard years ago on Inis Mor, a beautiful and rugged island off the coast of Galway, Ireland. Our tour guide, Dan Flaherty, told us that among Inis Mor's 900 residents existed a California native, a man who came to the island and fell in love with a local woman, married her, and made his home there. According to Dan, Inis Mor acquired access to electricity in 1975, so this was a pretty big deal.
Two of her clients, a married couple, were about to retire when the husband's company offered him an opportunity to work in China. They readily agreed to take it and set up housekeeping on the other side of the planet. After a while, the couple's very American son came to visit and fell in love with a Chinese woman. The parents eventually returned to the US. The son, however, married the object of his affection and remained in China.
Some commitment, eh?
This story reminded me of something I heard years ago on Inis Mor, a beautiful and rugged island off the coast of Galway, Ireland. Our tour guide, Dan Flaherty, told us that among Inis Mor's 900 residents existed a California native, a man who came to the island and fell in love with a local woman, married her, and made his home there. According to Dan, Inis Mor acquired access to electricity in 1975, so this was a pretty big deal.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Date Rape
I found the following disturbing anonymous comment on a previous post, and I thought it deserved a post of its own:
I am so sorry to hear of your ordeal. What you've described is beyond horrible. Please contact the national rape crisis hotline (1.800.656.HOPE) immediately or visit their website . The people there are trained to guide you through what must be an extremely difficult time.
"I just need to vent something. This guy I met online took me on a date and basically raped me. I don't know if anyone knows him but now I think I might be pregnant by him. He told me he had a girlfriend and he doesn't want to see me anymore. Can someone give me advice? I want to find this bastard. He ruined my life. He lives in California."
I am so sorry to hear of your ordeal. What you've described is beyond horrible. Please contact the national rape crisis hotline (1.800.656.HOPE) immediately or visit their website . The people there are trained to guide you through what must be an extremely difficult time.
Loving Means Allowing Yourself to Be Vulnerable
Hi, Terry-
Here's a quote from one of your emails:
"After a lot of soul-searching, I determined that I was afraid to fall in love, or to become dependent on the love of a wonderful man who might someday get sick or die or otherwise disappoint me."
How did you overcome this? I would be very interested in your response.
Cheers
S
Hello, S-
Thanks for writing.
Getting over my fear of losing a loved one definitely took sustained effort. In retrospect, I believe my quest for love was profoundly hindered by my terror of losing it.
At one point, I sat down and asked myself what was the worst thing that could happen if my husband suddenly died, for example. I wrote everything that came to mind down and thought about it. I mean, falling in love requires vulnerability, and there are never any guarantees in life for any of us.
Even after Peter and I were happily dating, and it became clear that we were headed for marriage, I'd stand on the train platform and suddenly be overcome with the terrifying fear that he'd die suddenly (his brother died suddenly of an aneurysm at age 20, my grandmother lost her husband to cancer in his mid-forties), and I'd have to remind myself: There are no guarantees in life.
For some reason, knowing that the playing field is level in that way for all of us (no matter what we do, where we live, or how much money we make) gave me comfort, and it encouraged me to keep picturing a happy future. I also reminded myself of my own strength, and that if I did suffer the loss of my husband, it would be painful but I did possess the emotional and mental resources to eventually move on.
Every now and then, I remind myself that none of us is going to live forever. It helps me not to take the good things in my life (my husband, children) for granted.
Does this help? I truly hope so!
-Terry
Here's a quote from one of your emails:
"After a lot of soul-searching, I determined that I was afraid to fall in love, or to become dependent on the love of a wonderful man who might someday get sick or die or otherwise disappoint me."
How did you overcome this? I would be very interested in your response.
Cheers
S
Hello, S-
Thanks for writing.
Getting over my fear of losing a loved one definitely took sustained effort. In retrospect, I believe my quest for love was profoundly hindered by my terror of losing it.
At one point, I sat down and asked myself what was the worst thing that could happen if my husband suddenly died, for example. I wrote everything that came to mind down and thought about it. I mean, falling in love requires vulnerability, and there are never any guarantees in life for any of us.
Even after Peter and I were happily dating, and it became clear that we were headed for marriage, I'd stand on the train platform and suddenly be overcome with the terrifying fear that he'd die suddenly (his brother died suddenly of an aneurysm at age 20, my grandmother lost her husband to cancer in his mid-forties), and I'd have to remind myself: There are no guarantees in life.
For some reason, knowing that the playing field is level in that way for all of us (no matter what we do, where we live, or how much money we make) gave me comfort, and it encouraged me to keep picturing a happy future. I also reminded myself of my own strength, and that if I did suffer the loss of my husband, it would be painful but I did possess the emotional and mental resources to eventually move on.
Every now and then, I remind myself that none of us is going to live forever. It helps me not to take the good things in my life (my husband, children) for granted.
Does this help? I truly hope so!
-Terry
Friday, October 10, 2008
Getting Over a Breakup
The other night I watched Lipstick Jungle (I like the clothes, okay?).
One of the storylines involves the breakup of a lead character and her boyfriend, Joe Bennett, played by Andrew McCarthy (I like Andrew McCarthy, too). To get over him, she throws herself into another relationship. He starts stalking her a bit, and she tells him, "I'm over you."
Whether she really is or isn't remains to be seen. I can't imagine Andrew McCarthy being thrown to the wind so early in only the second season of the series, but if she is truly over him, she's a better woman than I am (although, in real life, his controlling tendencies would be a turn-off).
So how do you fall out of love or get over a person who's hurt you? It comes down to discipline, the refusal to wallow in past memories and to get on with life. People who succeed in moving on from a once-splendid love affair accept that it's over. They banish the formerly beloved's image from their minds whenever it tries to creep in.
It doesn't necessarily mean they bounce from the old relationship to a new one. A broken-hearted woman might use the opportunity to travel, focus on getting a promotion at work, or taking up a sport or hobby which will keep her mind off the lost love and introduce her to new people who, incidentally, will also keep her mind off the lost love.
I love reading success stories. I came upon one by a woman who tells how she is reveling in the freedom of finally getting over her first love. Scroll down a bit and read it here.
One of the storylines involves the breakup of a lead character and her boyfriend, Joe Bennett, played by Andrew McCarthy (I like Andrew McCarthy, too). To get over him, she throws herself into another relationship. He starts stalking her a bit, and she tells him, "I'm over you."
Whether she really is or isn't remains to be seen. I can't imagine Andrew McCarthy being thrown to the wind so early in only the second season of the series, but if she is truly over him, she's a better woman than I am (although, in real life, his controlling tendencies would be a turn-off).
So how do you fall out of love or get over a person who's hurt you? It comes down to discipline, the refusal to wallow in past memories and to get on with life. People who succeed in moving on from a once-splendid love affair accept that it's over. They banish the formerly beloved's image from their minds whenever it tries to creep in.
It doesn't necessarily mean they bounce from the old relationship to a new one. A broken-hearted woman might use the opportunity to travel, focus on getting a promotion at work, or taking up a sport or hobby which will keep her mind off the lost love and introduce her to new people who, incidentally, will also keep her mind off the lost love.
I love reading success stories. I came upon one by a woman who tells how she is reveling in the freedom of finally getting over her first love. Scroll down a bit and read it here.
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Should She Give Him Another Chance?
Terry,
I'm on the internet dating circuit. I have started to become disillusioned with the men I have been meeting..until last night...I met a guy who was gorgeous..the coffee date turned into us talking for hours and ended with a pretty passionate kiss at my car, before I headed for home alone.
He asked to see me again tonight..he realised that it was short notice, and that he would phone to organise what we would do tonight. I agreed.
Awoke this morning to a text message that he sent at 8 am, informing me that he had enjoyed our chat, but he was no longer available for tonight.
I have not responded..and don't intend to. He's lost my interest.
What perplexes me is the opinion of my female friends, who say they would give him another chance..they feel I am being too hard on him.
What are your thoughts Terry and how would you respond if he were to contact me again ?
Sian
Hi, Sian-
I don't think you're being to hard on him. He asked you out. And then text-messaged you, what, eight or 10 hours later to say, "Sorry, not available." I do think that kind of message warrants a phone call. And some kind of explanation.
I guess the real question here is: Would you cancel a date via text message? If you would, it's possible I'm being unreasonable. But my credo when it comes to dating is, "Treat him as you would have him treat you, and if he doesn't treat you as you would treat him, it may be time to hit the exit."
I don't know the man, but sometimes men will ask you for a second date just to see if they "passed the audition." Once they're satisfied they did (and they've gotten the attendant ego boost), they're off and running to their next possibility. And then there are men who just don't know how to close a date without saying, "I'll call you." Or, in your case, "I know it's short notice, but let's get together tomorrow night."
The next time a guy asks you out for tomorrow night, do yourself a favor and make yourself busy. I'm not advocating playing games here, but all of us -- women and men-- like to think we're in the running for some slightly-out-of-reach prize. So make yourself slightly out of reach. Don't be available tomorrow, but do indicate interest by suggesting you could be available later in the week.
If you're so inclined, and this man does contact you again (and has a good explanation for the sudden blow-off), you might give him that second chance. But, again, only if you're so inclined.
And definitely not this week.
I'm on the internet dating circuit. I have started to become disillusioned with the men I have been meeting..until last night...I met a guy who was gorgeous..the coffee date turned into us talking for hours and ended with a pretty passionate kiss at my car, before I headed for home alone.
He asked to see me again tonight..he realised that it was short notice, and that he would phone to organise what we would do tonight. I agreed.
Awoke this morning to a text message that he sent at 8 am, informing me that he had enjoyed our chat, but he was no longer available for tonight.
I have not responded..and don't intend to. He's lost my interest.
What perplexes me is the opinion of my female friends, who say they would give him another chance..they feel I am being too hard on him.
What are your thoughts Terry and how would you respond if he were to contact me again ?
Sian
Hi, Sian-
I don't think you're being to hard on him. He asked you out. And then text-messaged you, what, eight or 10 hours later to say, "Sorry, not available." I do think that kind of message warrants a phone call. And some kind of explanation.
I guess the real question here is: Would you cancel a date via text message? If you would, it's possible I'm being unreasonable. But my credo when it comes to dating is, "Treat him as you would have him treat you, and if he doesn't treat you as you would treat him, it may be time to hit the exit."
I don't know the man, but sometimes men will ask you for a second date just to see if they "passed the audition." Once they're satisfied they did (and they've gotten the attendant ego boost), they're off and running to their next possibility. And then there are men who just don't know how to close a date without saying, "I'll call you." Or, in your case, "I know it's short notice, but let's get together tomorrow night."
The next time a guy asks you out for tomorrow night, do yourself a favor and make yourself busy. I'm not advocating playing games here, but all of us -- women and men-- like to think we're in the running for some slightly-out-of-reach prize. So make yourself slightly out of reach. Don't be available tomorrow, but do indicate interest by suggesting you could be available later in the week.
If you're so inclined, and this man does contact you again (and has a good explanation for the sudden blow-off), you might give him that second chance. But, again, only if you're so inclined.
And definitely not this week.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
What Do His Mixed Signals Mean?
Dear Terry:
I met this guy online some months back. And since the day we've met, there hasn't been a day he hasn't messaged me. It could be about nothing, but his intention I believe is to have me remember that he is there or to keep me on a string.
We had a rather physical relationship early in our relationship. It was then we had to confront issues we were not ready to confront. I wanted to know where we were heading (mistake!!) and the obvious response was that he was not ready for a relationship and he mumbled about how work takes priorty.
A few weeks after that, he talked about his ex-girlfriend wanting to get back together, and he says he still has feelings for her.
After all this has been said to me, I tried to keep my distance. I like the guy ..yes.. but I will never initiate a phone message, call or a date. He still consistently calls, messages and ask me out regularly.
What I found odd, was that many times when I am out with him, he would have his colleagues, old buddies showing up joining us for activities. I really enjoy the company, but what puzzles me is his overt displays of affection with me in their presence.
While we are in the presence of his friends and colleagues, it seems that he wants the others to know that we are an "item" - but yes, he has no interest to talk to me about a commitment, especially with his ex-girlfrend in the background of all this!
His colleagues and friends sees me so often that they might think we are an "item' and are starting to get comfortable with me...
I am confused that I am getting a lot of mixed signals.
My Questions are:
- If he doesn't like me, would he take me out to meet his friends and colleagues (with the physical affections)?
- If he doesn't like me, would he message everyday and see me at least twice a week (strangely never on weekends - perhaps its our traveling schedule)
-If he "likes" me and "respects" me, would he make me drop him and his friends off at some girlie bar to celebrate one of the boy's departure to another city?
(Do you think making me drive them there was disrepectful, or was it just honesty on his part knowing that it only a boy's night out, and I should not think too much about it...)
-What do you think?
Dear Think:
I have a question for you: When Prince Charming made you drop him and his friends off at the girlie bar, did he offer to pay for gas?
And now I'll tell you what I think: I think this man thinks about himself. I think he likes his friends to see him with you because it makes him look good. I think he messages you constantly because he does indeed want to keep you on the string.
You mention that he invites his friends along whenever you're supposed to be on a date, and then he lavishes you with affection. This is strange behavior. He should be lavishing you with affection while he's staring into your eyes over dinner for two, not over a game of pool with his buddies.
One thing that stood out about your letter (and I've changed it because it drove me crazy) is that you do not capitalize the "I" pronoun. You are an "I," not an "i," and I wonder if you in your heart of hearts believe you are an "i," and you let other treat you as such.
You are an "I!"
Forget about whether Mr. Frenetic Text Messager respects you or likes you. Ask yourself whether someone much more important respects you and likes you, and I mean YOU!
If you loved yourself the way you should love yourself, believe me, you wouldn't give a guy like this the time of day, let alone drive him and his pals to a strip club.
YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS!
And don't get me started on the specter of the alluring ex-girlfriend. Let the guy do you a favor and go back to her (if she even exists). This person is not worth your time. You would be better off gorging yourself every weekend on silly People magazines than wasting another minute with him.
You say that you refuse to initiate contact with him. Good for you. But why are you agreeing to go out with him at all?
Please, please, please put a higher value on yourself. Women who value themselves do not date men like the one you describe. You must raise your standards.
This man's behavior is nothing short of appalling, and you deserve better. Ultimately, you won't find a man who's capable of it until you believe that.
I met this guy online some months back. And since the day we've met, there hasn't been a day he hasn't messaged me. It could be about nothing, but his intention I believe is to have me remember that he is there or to keep me on a string.
We had a rather physical relationship early in our relationship. It was then we had to confront issues we were not ready to confront. I wanted to know where we were heading (mistake!!) and the obvious response was that he was not ready for a relationship and he mumbled about how work takes priorty.
A few weeks after that, he talked about his ex-girlfriend wanting to get back together, and he says he still has feelings for her.
After all this has been said to me, I tried to keep my distance. I like the guy ..yes.. but I will never initiate a phone message, call or a date. He still consistently calls, messages and ask me out regularly.
What I found odd, was that many times when I am out with him, he would have his colleagues, old buddies showing up joining us for activities. I really enjoy the company, but what puzzles me is his overt displays of affection with me in their presence.
While we are in the presence of his friends and colleagues, it seems that he wants the others to know that we are an "item" - but yes, he has no interest to talk to me about a commitment, especially with his ex-girlfrend in the background of all this!
His colleagues and friends sees me so often that they might think we are an "item' and are starting to get comfortable with me...
I am confused that I am getting a lot of mixed signals.
My Questions are:
- If he doesn't like me, would he take me out to meet his friends and colleagues (with the physical affections)?
- If he doesn't like me, would he message everyday and see me at least twice a week (strangely never on weekends - perhaps its our traveling schedule)
-If he "likes" me and "respects" me, would he make me drop him and his friends off at some girlie bar to celebrate one of the boy's departure to another city?
(Do you think making me drive them there was disrepectful, or was it just honesty on his part knowing that it only a boy's night out, and I should not think too much about it...)
-What do you think?
Dear Think:
I have a question for you: When Prince Charming made you drop him and his friends off at the girlie bar, did he offer to pay for gas?
And now I'll tell you what I think: I think this man thinks about himself. I think he likes his friends to see him with you because it makes him look good. I think he messages you constantly because he does indeed want to keep you on the string.
You mention that he invites his friends along whenever you're supposed to be on a date, and then he lavishes you with affection. This is strange behavior. He should be lavishing you with affection while he's staring into your eyes over dinner for two, not over a game of pool with his buddies.
One thing that stood out about your letter (and I've changed it because it drove me crazy) is that you do not capitalize the "I" pronoun. You are an "I," not an "i," and I wonder if you in your heart of hearts believe you are an "i," and you let other treat you as such.
You are an "I!"
Forget about whether Mr. Frenetic Text Messager respects you or likes you. Ask yourself whether someone much more important respects you and likes you, and I mean YOU!
If you loved yourself the way you should love yourself, believe me, you wouldn't give a guy like this the time of day, let alone drive him and his pals to a strip club.
YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS!
And don't get me started on the specter of the alluring ex-girlfriend. Let the guy do you a favor and go back to her (if she even exists). This person is not worth your time. You would be better off gorging yourself every weekend on silly People magazines than wasting another minute with him.
You say that you refuse to initiate contact with him. Good for you. But why are you agreeing to go out with him at all?
Please, please, please put a higher value on yourself. Women who value themselves do not date men like the one you describe. You must raise your standards.
This man's behavior is nothing short of appalling, and you deserve better. Ultimately, you won't find a man who's capable of it until you believe that.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
He Broke Up With Her, and Now He Might Be Sorry
Hi Terry:
I don't even know if you will get this e-mail, but I really need some advice.
My ex( I was with him for almost 3 years) has contacted me again. He broke up with me in June, saying he "might be getting back with ANOTHER EX". Needless to say I was devastated but tried to keep my composure and dignity. No tears, pleading or meltdown.
I wished him luck and told him I would not be contacting him after this. Two weeks later he called to see how I was doing. I texted him and asked him to please leave me alone.
Fast forward to yesterday two months later from the last call. He called again last night and left a message. I think of you multiple many times etc, etc. Should I return his call? One of my GFs saw a woman pulling into his driveway last night as well. WHAT TO DO?
Thanks,
M.
P.S. I do miss him but he hurt me terribly.
P.P.S. I am 50 years old, and he is 45, if that makes a difference.
Dear M.-
I seriously doubt your ages have anything to do with this. Some people start pulling this I-want-my-cake-and-to-eat-it-too nonsense around their 13th birthdays and never grow out of it.
I'm sure your ex had many attractive qualities (or you wouldn't be writing about him), but let's face it, his behavior seems a bit childish.
He's certainly very ME-oriented, isn't he? He broke up with you because another deal crossed (or, in this case, recrossed) his path. Now he's with her, and he's not sure if he let a better deal (that would be you) slip away.
You've asked him to get lost, and so far, he hasn't respected your wishes. Again, it's all about him and his feelings. Who cares if he hurt you? He's not sure he made the right decision, so it's very important that he keep you on the hook if he ever decides to go back to you.
Let me say here that I really respect the dignity you've shown in not crying or carrying on and letting him do what he felt he needed to do. Now, if only he would show you the same consideration.
I would not call him if I were you. I understand that you miss him, and he hurt you terribly. You must have shared some happy times together. But what if you call him back, and he decides he wants you back, and you let your guard down and go back to him, and then, well, he runs into some other woman he knew from high school, and he decides he might want to try things with her?
Do you see where I'm going with this?
Ultimately, whether you go back to this guy is up to you, but I certainly wouldn't make it easy for him. The next time you're tempted to pick up the phone (or to listen to some message he's left for you for the eighth time), get a pen and write down every last thing you dislike about him. Recall all those annoying little habits of his that drove you crazy when you were together.
Then read that list slowly and carefully. Stick it on your fridge. Let its contents turn over in your mind for a few days. With any luck, you'll come to the conclusion that you're way out of Mr. Wishy Washy's league, which will allow you to make room in your life for more considerate people and happier relationships.
I wish you the very best of everything. Thanks for writing.
I don't even know if you will get this e-mail, but I really need some advice.
My ex( I was with him for almost 3 years) has contacted me again. He broke up with me in June, saying he "might be getting back with ANOTHER EX". Needless to say I was devastated but tried to keep my composure and dignity. No tears, pleading or meltdown.
I wished him luck and told him I would not be contacting him after this. Two weeks later he called to see how I was doing. I texted him and asked him to please leave me alone.
Fast forward to yesterday two months later from the last call. He called again last night and left a message. I think of you multiple many times etc, etc. Should I return his call? One of my GFs saw a woman pulling into his driveway last night as well. WHAT TO DO?
Thanks,
M.
P.S. I do miss him but he hurt me terribly.
P.P.S. I am 50 years old, and he is 45, if that makes a difference.
Dear M.-
I seriously doubt your ages have anything to do with this. Some people start pulling this I-want-my-cake-and-to-eat-it-too nonsense around their 13th birthdays and never grow out of it.
I'm sure your ex had many attractive qualities (or you wouldn't be writing about him), but let's face it, his behavior seems a bit childish.
He's certainly very ME-oriented, isn't he? He broke up with you because another deal crossed (or, in this case, recrossed) his path. Now he's with her, and he's not sure if he let a better deal (that would be you) slip away.
You've asked him to get lost, and so far, he hasn't respected your wishes. Again, it's all about him and his feelings. Who cares if he hurt you? He's not sure he made the right decision, so it's very important that he keep you on the hook if he ever decides to go back to you.
Let me say here that I really respect the dignity you've shown in not crying or carrying on and letting him do what he felt he needed to do. Now, if only he would show you the same consideration.
I would not call him if I were you. I understand that you miss him, and he hurt you terribly. You must have shared some happy times together. But what if you call him back, and he decides he wants you back, and you let your guard down and go back to him, and then, well, he runs into some other woman he knew from high school, and he decides he might want to try things with her?
Do you see where I'm going with this?
Ultimately, whether you go back to this guy is up to you, but I certainly wouldn't make it easy for him. The next time you're tempted to pick up the phone (or to listen to some message he's left for you for the eighth time), get a pen and write down every last thing you dislike about him. Recall all those annoying little habits of his that drove you crazy when you were together.
Then read that list slowly and carefully. Stick it on your fridge. Let its contents turn over in your mind for a few days. With any luck, you'll come to the conclusion that you're way out of Mr. Wishy Washy's league, which will allow you to make room in your life for more considerate people and happier relationships.
I wish you the very best of everything. Thanks for writing.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Law of Attraction in Action
It's been my experience that what I focus on tends to appear in my life.
I focused on attracting a certain type of man and married him. I focused on living in a particular type of neighborhood (that I wasn't even sure even existed at the time) and moved there (Peter's brother's family liked it enough to join us a couple of years later). I focused on my husband finding a certain type of vehicle in a particular price range, and we found it.
Well, here's the latest story:
For the past few years, I've had to pass a beautiful old house after picking up my daughters from an after-school program. The house was probably built in the mid-1800s, with weathered gray panels of narrow wood and thin-paned windows the owners illuminate at twilight with single candles. It's surrounded by an old rock wall.
Every time I passed it, I told the girls, "I wonder what it's like on the inside. I wonder what the people who own it are like."
Two weeks ago, Peter and the girls went out for a ride. I started my workout, and the phone rang. It was my brother-in-law calling to tell me that some woman called him to ask if he were the father of Margaret MacDonald. For some reason, this girl's mail keeps arriving at her house.
My brother-in-law told her he wasn't Margaret's father, but his brother was. He called me to tell us to pick up Maggie's mail at this woman's house. By the way, her name is completely different from ours, and there is absolutely no explanation for the mix-up in the addresses. We have different house numbers, for one thing, and our streets don't even start with the same letter.
I thanked my brother-in-law and called Peter on his cell. He said he'd pick up the mail (yay!), and I went back to my workout.
Peter came home.
"You know that old house you're always talking about?" he said.
"Yeah."
"We were in it. The lady who had Maggie's mail owns it. She just gave us a tour. It has a birthing room."
"Get out of here."
"I'm serious, and when I told her how much you like the place, she said she'll give you a tour, too."
He gave me the woman's phone number. I gave her a call. Turns out she's a documentarian who's looking for venues to show a recent project. Turns out I might be able to help her through a networking group I run.
I invited her to one of our meetings. She showed up (she's absolutely lovely). And now I'm going to take her up on that invitation to see her beautiful house.
I focused on attracting a certain type of man and married him. I focused on living in a particular type of neighborhood (that I wasn't even sure even existed at the time) and moved there (Peter's brother's family liked it enough to join us a couple of years later). I focused on my husband finding a certain type of vehicle in a particular price range, and we found it.
Well, here's the latest story:
For the past few years, I've had to pass a beautiful old house after picking up my daughters from an after-school program. The house was probably built in the mid-1800s, with weathered gray panels of narrow wood and thin-paned windows the owners illuminate at twilight with single candles. It's surrounded by an old rock wall.
Every time I passed it, I told the girls, "I wonder what it's like on the inside. I wonder what the people who own it are like."
Two weeks ago, Peter and the girls went out for a ride. I started my workout, and the phone rang. It was my brother-in-law calling to tell me that some woman called him to ask if he were the father of Margaret MacDonald. For some reason, this girl's mail keeps arriving at her house.
My brother-in-law told her he wasn't Margaret's father, but his brother was. He called me to tell us to pick up Maggie's mail at this woman's house. By the way, her name is completely different from ours, and there is absolutely no explanation for the mix-up in the addresses. We have different house numbers, for one thing, and our streets don't even start with the same letter.
I thanked my brother-in-law and called Peter on his cell. He said he'd pick up the mail (yay!), and I went back to my workout.
Peter came home.
"You know that old house you're always talking about?" he said.
"Yeah."
"We were in it. The lady who had Maggie's mail owns it. She just gave us a tour. It has a birthing room."
"Get out of here."
"I'm serious, and when I told her how much you like the place, she said she'll give you a tour, too."
He gave me the woman's phone number. I gave her a call. Turns out she's a documentarian who's looking for venues to show a recent project. Turns out I might be able to help her through a networking group I run.
I invited her to one of our meetings. She showed up (she's absolutely lovely). And now I'm going to take her up on that invitation to see her beautiful house.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
A Story to Make a Heart Sing
Today I deliberately tuned in to Oprah to watch her interview with Jenny McCarthy, the actress and autism research activist. I'm very interested in children with autism, so I read Jenny's book, Louder Than Words, over the summer. It poignantly (and inspiringly) describes her experiences as a mother of a child afflicted with the condition.
Midway through Oprah, Ms. Winfrey brought Jenny's boyfriend, Jim Carrey, on for what would be Jenny and Jim's first interview together. Oprah asked Jenny how she thought it would be possible to meet a man who'd be up for a relationship with a woman with her considerable responsibilities.
Jenny said something to the effect of, "I prayed for someone like Jim. I prayed for a very loving man."
Oprah asked Jim his take. He advised women to think in terms of what they want in a relationship, not in terms of what they don't want. He maintained that if the universe can provide galaxies and stars and a whole lot of other things, it can provide you with the right partner. Read the full quote here. It's a good one.
Midway through Oprah, Ms. Winfrey brought Jenny's boyfriend, Jim Carrey, on for what would be Jenny and Jim's first interview together. Oprah asked Jenny how she thought it would be possible to meet a man who'd be up for a relationship with a woman with her considerable responsibilities.
Jenny said something to the effect of, "I prayed for someone like Jim. I prayed for a very loving man."
Oprah asked Jim his take. He advised women to think in terms of what they want in a relationship, not in terms of what they don't want. He maintained that if the universe can provide galaxies and stars and a whole lot of other things, it can provide you with the right partner. Read the full quote here. It's a good one.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
What About Love? Psychics Say Their Clients Have Bigger Fish to Fry
Happened upon an interesting story in yesterday's New York Times, in which psychics say their clients, most of whom used to fixate on their love lives, are now not so interested in their love lives.
According to the article by Lily Koppel:
You can read the whole piece by clicking here.
According to the article by Lily Koppel:
“It used to be always love, love, love. Now it’s money, money, money,” said Mary T. Browne, who was once described by Forbes magazine as “Wall Street’s psychic adviser,” because she counts people with financial sector jobs, as well as celebrities, among her clients. “You can’t think about love when you can’t pay the rent. Love is great until you’re focused on survival, but no one seems to have a safe haven anymore.”
You can read the whole piece by clicking here.
More About Dating a Widower
I received this comment recently to my post about Dating a Widower:
Help me somebody ! I have been searching for advice on dating a widower for days now and this is the only one that truly hit the mark! EXCELLENT ADVICE.
Terry, how far do we step back to give him time to properly grieve? Realize that it all depends on the individual and our circumstance are slightly different.
After being the sole caregiver for over 10 years to my mom and he having cared for his wife while working from home for 8 years, we met through a mutual friend who saw that both of us needed to get out of the house.
We met 4 month after his wife passed and 3 weeks after Mom. We quickly became intimate within the first week of dating. Although our dates have mostly consist of going shopping at Lowes while redecorating his home. Sticky for both of us which is why I have stepped back to allow space for him to dismantle visible touches of his wife throughout the house.
He does not appear to be the least bit apprehensive about moving on. It's been 2 months since we met and we're planning a weekend trip this coming weekend, which happens to be his wife's birthday.
We both realize that we entered into this relationship from different places and that I desire more then he's prepared to give, yet my stepping back seems to threaten him. Hoping not to step back too far and give another the opportunity for this caring, loving man.
Justified
Dear Justified:
Thanks very much for the kind words. Just to be clear, I'm not a psychologist or a bereavement counselor, but as usual I have an opinion on everything.
After serving as the sole caregiver to your mother for over 10 years, I imagine her death brought with it a ton of feelings, including sadness and perhaps anger and relief. It also had to leave a giant hole in your life.
Three weeks after your mother's death, a seemingly great man walks into your life and fills that hole. And makes you happy. And makes you feel electrifyingly alive.
But you say you want more than he does from the relationship. You say that he seems threatened when you step back in an effort to protect yourself.
I don't know this man, so I don't know if he's really motivated to move on, or if he's wacking his way through grief with a machete. I am less concerned about him because you're the one who's been asked (whether verbally or not) not to move forward but not to move back, either.
I wish I could cast a spell that would give me the solution to your problem (seriously, I do). Instead, I'm going to ask you to take extremely good care of yourself. You've spent much of your life in service to another person (and good for you; the world needs more people like you). But it's time to look after yourself.
This is critical. You've spent 10 years of your life taking care of someone else. That means you are used to taking care of someone else. It comes naturally to you. Taking care of yourself? Well, that may not come naturally to you at all.
See this man, sure, but don't fall into the trap of spending all your time with him. Give him a chance to be that loving and caring man you describe, but be open to the possibility that there's another man out there for you.
This is your time to rediscover the interests that fell away when you took full responsibility for your mother, so please rediscover them. If that means playing tennis, play tennis. If it means writing fiction, join a writers' group. If it means antique cars, join a club that caters to people who are into classic automobiles. Your friend had it right: Keep getting out of the house.
I really hope this helps, and if you'd like, please give me an update on the weekend away.
Readers, any advice you'd like to share with Justified? Please leave a comment.
Help me somebody ! I have been searching for advice on dating a widower for days now and this is the only one that truly hit the mark! EXCELLENT ADVICE.
Terry, how far do we step back to give him time to properly grieve? Realize that it all depends on the individual and our circumstance are slightly different.
After being the sole caregiver for over 10 years to my mom and he having cared for his wife while working from home for 8 years, we met through a mutual friend who saw that both of us needed to get out of the house.
We met 4 month after his wife passed and 3 weeks after Mom. We quickly became intimate within the first week of dating. Although our dates have mostly consist of going shopping at Lowes while redecorating his home. Sticky for both of us which is why I have stepped back to allow space for him to dismantle visible touches of his wife throughout the house.
He does not appear to be the least bit apprehensive about moving on. It's been 2 months since we met and we're planning a weekend trip this coming weekend, which happens to be his wife's birthday.
We both realize that we entered into this relationship from different places and that I desire more then he's prepared to give, yet my stepping back seems to threaten him. Hoping not to step back too far and give another the opportunity for this caring, loving man.
Justified
Dear Justified:
Thanks very much for the kind words. Just to be clear, I'm not a psychologist or a bereavement counselor, but as usual I have an opinion on everything.
After serving as the sole caregiver to your mother for over 10 years, I imagine her death brought with it a ton of feelings, including sadness and perhaps anger and relief. It also had to leave a giant hole in your life.
Three weeks after your mother's death, a seemingly great man walks into your life and fills that hole. And makes you happy. And makes you feel electrifyingly alive.
But you say you want more than he does from the relationship. You say that he seems threatened when you step back in an effort to protect yourself.
I don't know this man, so I don't know if he's really motivated to move on, or if he's wacking his way through grief with a machete. I am less concerned about him because you're the one who's been asked (whether verbally or not) not to move forward but not to move back, either.
I wish I could cast a spell that would give me the solution to your problem (seriously, I do). Instead, I'm going to ask you to take extremely good care of yourself. You've spent much of your life in service to another person (and good for you; the world needs more people like you). But it's time to look after yourself.
This is critical. You've spent 10 years of your life taking care of someone else. That means you are used to taking care of someone else. It comes naturally to you. Taking care of yourself? Well, that may not come naturally to you at all.
See this man, sure, but don't fall into the trap of spending all your time with him. Give him a chance to be that loving and caring man you describe, but be open to the possibility that there's another man out there for you.
This is your time to rediscover the interests that fell away when you took full responsibility for your mother, so please rediscover them. If that means playing tennis, play tennis. If it means writing fiction, join a writers' group. If it means antique cars, join a club that caters to people who are into classic automobiles. Your friend had it right: Keep getting out of the house.
I really hope this helps, and if you'd like, please give me an update on the weekend away.
Readers, any advice you'd like to share with Justified? Please leave a comment.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
More About Law of Attraction and Love
Dear Terry:
I've been reading your book, in which you suggest setting a wedding date in your mind before you do the exercises.
I do not want to set a wedding date because I will have my hopes crushed, and I will accuse myself of self-sabotage. Any thoughts on this?
-Skittish
Dear Skittish-
I have a few thoughts on this.
First off, I wish you would not accuse yourself of anything, let alone self-sabotage. Just go about the exercises satisfied that you're doing you're best. I suspect you tend to be hard on yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself.
If you don't want to "set" a wedding date, don't do it. When you do the rest of the exercises, be present, use all your senses, etc. See the scene from the outside (as if you're watching a movie), and then feel it from the inside (put yourself in the movie).
As far as self-sabotage is concerned, self-awareness is helpful (as opposed to accusation and condemnation). If you put a wedding date on paper, and you find yourself getting scared, make sure the fear you're experiencing is fear of failure and not fear of success.
A lot of women who say they want to be married are indeed very, very fearful of being married (I was, that's for sure). Marriage for a woman implies a possible loss of identity, freedom, or that they'll end up in something that resembles their parents' relationship, so definitely explore the possibility that you may be afraid of commitment.
And if you discover this is true, it's a good thing because you can face your fears (do you have to lose your identity, for instance? Are all married couples really bored out of their minds?)If you identify your fears, you can face them and ultimately eliminate a lot of them. Use your fears to help you discover what you want in a marriage or a relationship. If you know what you want, you exponentially increase your chances of getting it.
Let me emphasize that you don't have to set a wedding date. I set one because it helped ground the exercises for me and gave them a heightened sense of reality. Please know that I did not get married on the date I set on paper (it functioned merely as a ballpark figure).
But do ask yourself: What do I want in a man? In a relationship? Write out a scene of an ordinary day together. Visualize it. Feel it. Smell it. Hear it. Taste it.
And feel yourself thanking God for it.
I've been reading your book, in which you suggest setting a wedding date in your mind before you do the exercises.
I do not want to set a wedding date because I will have my hopes crushed, and I will accuse myself of self-sabotage. Any thoughts on this?
-Skittish
Dear Skittish-
I have a few thoughts on this.
First off, I wish you would not accuse yourself of anything, let alone self-sabotage. Just go about the exercises satisfied that you're doing you're best. I suspect you tend to be hard on yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself.
If you don't want to "set" a wedding date, don't do it. When you do the rest of the exercises, be present, use all your senses, etc. See the scene from the outside (as if you're watching a movie), and then feel it from the inside (put yourself in the movie).
As far as self-sabotage is concerned, self-awareness is helpful (as opposed to accusation and condemnation). If you put a wedding date on paper, and you find yourself getting scared, make sure the fear you're experiencing is fear of failure and not fear of success.
A lot of women who say they want to be married are indeed very, very fearful of being married (I was, that's for sure). Marriage for a woman implies a possible loss of identity, freedom, or that they'll end up in something that resembles their parents' relationship, so definitely explore the possibility that you may be afraid of commitment.
And if you discover this is true, it's a good thing because you can face your fears (do you have to lose your identity, for instance? Are all married couples really bored out of their minds?)If you identify your fears, you can face them and ultimately eliminate a lot of them. Use your fears to help you discover what you want in a marriage or a relationship. If you know what you want, you exponentially increase your chances of getting it.
Let me emphasize that you don't have to set a wedding date. I set one because it helped ground the exercises for me and gave them a heightened sense of reality. Please know that I did not get married on the date I set on paper (it functioned merely as a ballpark figure).
But do ask yourself: What do I want in a man? In a relationship? Write out a scene of an ordinary day together. Visualize it. Feel it. Smell it. Hear it. Taste it.
And feel yourself thanking God for it.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
More About Calling Men
A reader asked for clarification on a previous post:
Does the "calling ritual" change if the man has a full plate (deaths, family illness, and depressed friends)?
-Anonymous
Keep this in mind, Anonymous:
When in doubt, treat a man as you would have him treat you, and if he's not treating you as you would treat him, it's time to reconsider the relationship.
At the end of the day, everybody needs a friend. If a guy you've been seeing is going through a tough time, absolutely check in on him.
Ask him how he's doing. Tell him you're available if he wants to talk. After you hang up, wait and see if he takes you up on it.
The calling ritual, as far as I'm concerned, is give and take. For example, if he says he'll call, let him call. If you say you'll call, call. Then let him call next time.
(Some women call and call and call, never giving a guy a chance to call them. They confuse a series of text messages with a relationship. This is a mistake.)
Be willing to care, but you have to be willing to let the guy show you he cares, too.
The writer of the letter to which I responded wants to pursue a commitment on the fourth date. I wouldn't want anybody asking me for a commitment on the fourth date.
Whether a guy or a girl does the asking on a fourth date, it's usually too early. I mean, how well do you know a person on a fourth date? For all you know, the person may harbor repellent political views (or worse).
I'd definitely progress with a "this is fun, but let's wait and see how it goes" attitude.
If I led you to believe that the man should always be in the driver's seat, I'm sorry.
That's definitely not my philosophy!
Does the "calling ritual" change if the man has a full plate (deaths, family illness, and depressed friends)?
-Anonymous
Keep this in mind, Anonymous:
When in doubt, treat a man as you would have him treat you, and if he's not treating you as you would treat him, it's time to reconsider the relationship.
At the end of the day, everybody needs a friend. If a guy you've been seeing is going through a tough time, absolutely check in on him.
Ask him how he's doing. Tell him you're available if he wants to talk. After you hang up, wait and see if he takes you up on it.
The calling ritual, as far as I'm concerned, is give and take. For example, if he says he'll call, let him call. If you say you'll call, call. Then let him call next time.
(Some women call and call and call, never giving a guy a chance to call them. They confuse a series of text messages with a relationship. This is a mistake.)
Be willing to care, but you have to be willing to let the guy show you he cares, too.
The writer of the letter to which I responded wants to pursue a commitment on the fourth date. I wouldn't want anybody asking me for a commitment on the fourth date.
Whether a guy or a girl does the asking on a fourth date, it's usually too early. I mean, how well do you know a person on a fourth date? For all you know, the person may harbor repellent political views (or worse).
I'd definitely progress with a "this is fun, but let's wait and see how it goes" attitude.
If I led you to believe that the man should always be in the driver's seat, I'm sorry.
That's definitely not my philosophy!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Must You Kiss a Man Whose Teeth Float in a Bowl?
I work from home, which affords me the opportunity to indulge in a guilty pleasure, namely watching The View. It doesn't matter who you're backing in the current presidential election; the ladies' (as ABC calls them) interview with John McCain on Friday offered probably the most revealing picture of a candidate I've seen since this never-ending campaign began.
At the end of today's show, Barbara Walters mentioned she'd been to a wedding over the weekend, where she met a 48-year-old woman and her date, a 73-year-old man. Barbara made a comment to the effect of, "Is this what it's come to?" and added that she's been told that 50-year-old men insist on dating 35-year-olds, and it's just harder for women to find men their own ages after they get out of their 20s.
I wonder about this.
Seriously. I suppose if you're a vain, image-conscious man with perhaps a lot of money but not much interest in spending valuable time with a human being you might actually have something in common with, you might risk looking sad and silly with a woman young enough to be your daughter.
But I haven't seen much evidence of this in my own life. One widower I know (age 77) even resisted hanging around with an attractive, financially independent 63-year-old woman because he was afaid she might be too young for him. (Friends and family have since convinced him it's cool to date her; she could be his younger sister, for Pete's sake, not his daughter.)
This is the same guy whose grammar school buddy (yeah, he still hangs out with the fellows from grammar school) thinks the sight of a turkey-necked old man with a young woman is "disgusting."
So don't believe everything you see on TV. Not every guy wants to date a woman whose Pampers he could have changed (although Mick Jagger will not fall into this category).
About eight years ago, a good guy friend of ours, broke up with a longtime girlfriend at age 37. He gave himself time to mourn the loss of the relationship. When he decided he wanted to take another stab at romance, he joined the Adirondack Club because he likes the outdoors and hoped to meet a woman who also enjoyed them. Then he took a cooking class because he loves to cook and hoped to meet a woman he could have fun with in the kitchen.
Eventually, he met a series of women, all of whom were a couple of years younger or older than him. He dated an older woman until she accepted a promotion out of state. Then he met, fell in love with, and married a woman just a year younger than him. They'll celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary next Sunday.
In my experience, men who want to date women around their own ages are the rule, not the exception.
At the end of today's show, Barbara Walters mentioned she'd been to a wedding over the weekend, where she met a 48-year-old woman and her date, a 73-year-old man. Barbara made a comment to the effect of, "Is this what it's come to?" and added that she's been told that 50-year-old men insist on dating 35-year-olds, and it's just harder for women to find men their own ages after they get out of their 20s.
I wonder about this.
Seriously. I suppose if you're a vain, image-conscious man with perhaps a lot of money but not much interest in spending valuable time with a human being you might actually have something in common with, you might risk looking sad and silly with a woman young enough to be your daughter.
But I haven't seen much evidence of this in my own life. One widower I know (age 77) even resisted hanging around with an attractive, financially independent 63-year-old woman because he was afaid she might be too young for him. (Friends and family have since convinced him it's cool to date her; she could be his younger sister, for Pete's sake, not his daughter.)
This is the same guy whose grammar school buddy (yeah, he still hangs out with the fellows from grammar school) thinks the sight of a turkey-necked old man with a young woman is "disgusting."
So don't believe everything you see on TV. Not every guy wants to date a woman whose Pampers he could have changed (although Mick Jagger will not fall into this category).
About eight years ago, a good guy friend of ours, broke up with a longtime girlfriend at age 37. He gave himself time to mourn the loss of the relationship. When he decided he wanted to take another stab at romance, he joined the Adirondack Club because he likes the outdoors and hoped to meet a woman who also enjoyed them. Then he took a cooking class because he loves to cook and hoped to meet a woman he could have fun with in the kitchen.
Eventually, he met a series of women, all of whom were a couple of years younger or older than him. He dated an older woman until she accepted a promotion out of state. Then he met, fell in love with, and married a woman just a year younger than him. They'll celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary next Sunday.
In my experience, men who want to date women around their own ages are the rule, not the exception.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Marriage and Money
After Peter and I announced our engagement, his uncle warned us that finances would be a major factor in whether our marriage lasted. He urged us to set goals for saving and plan for spending, but we pretty much blew him off. What did he know? He wasn't a financial planner. He was a Catholic priest.
But it turns out the man was right (about this and a number of other things).
Peter's a spender, and I'm a saver, so we've had to learn to work together (we're still learning). An article in the New York Times seconds his uncle's advice, although the bit it includes about running your marriage like a business sounds tooth-grindingly dull. I can't imagine that would result in a lot of passion and laughter.
However, a financial planner I've become friendly with reported he has one client who makes a 400K annually but is 100K in debt. From the outside, Mr. Four-Hundred-Thousand-Dollar-Bar probably looks like the picture of success, but being married to him would probably mean a lifetime of lying awake waiting for the repo man to come screeching up for the Bentley. Which probably wouldn't result in a lot of passion and laughter, either.
But it turns out the man was right (about this and a number of other things).
Peter's a spender, and I'm a saver, so we've had to learn to work together (we're still learning). An article in the New York Times seconds his uncle's advice, although the bit it includes about running your marriage like a business sounds tooth-grindingly dull. I can't imagine that would result in a lot of passion and laughter.
However, a financial planner I've become friendly with reported he has one client who makes a 400K annually but is 100K in debt. From the outside, Mr. Four-Hundred-Thousand-Dollar-Bar probably looks like the picture of success, but being married to him would probably mean a lifetime of lying awake waiting for the repo man to come screeching up for the Bentley. Which probably wouldn't result in a lot of passion and laughter, either.
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