His Ex Specializes in Harrassing Phone Calls

Terry,

I've been building a great relationship with a wonderful man over the past 6 months. On two occasions, we've run into his ex-girlfriend. This lady causes drama and chaos each time she sees us. She somehow found my phone number and after seeing us, she calls me repeatedly leaving foul threatening messages on my voicemail.

Neither he nor I know what to do to get her to stop. Can you offer some advice?

-Enough Already

Dear Enough-

This "lady' you describe is no lady at all.

First off, it's completely inappropriate (not to mention psycho and unattractive) for her to make a scene when she runs into you and your boyfriend. Furthermore, calling you repeatedly and leaving threatening messages is harrassment and could land her in serious trouble with the police.

The next time you or your boyfriend talk to her, warn her to knock it off, or you will report her to the police. If she doesn't back off, please do report her and ask an officer for specific advice on how to deal with her if she rears her scary head again.

Terry

I Met Him in a Bar

Hi Terry,

I have read your book and I love your emails. One detail that I have not read about and am very curious about is how you met your husband. How did you meet him? Where, what circumstances? Was it how you visualised it or different?

Look forward to your reply!

Regards,
S.

Hello, S.-

Thanks for the kind words.

I never actually visualized meeting my husband. I did regularly visualize the relationship (for instance, what a day with a person whose qualities I specified might look, smell, taste, feel, and sound like). I visualized dancing with him at our wedding, I also visualized dancing with him on our tenth and twentieth wedding anniversaries.

But I never actually visualized meeting him.

And when I did meet him, I was out with friends in a bar. He was friendly with some of my friends, and I thought he was attractive. He asked me out, and I immediately (no hesitation) said yes. The word just came out of my mouth.

And I instantly regretted it because I thought to myself, "He's cute, but you will have nothing in common with him. You idiot. What have you gotten yourself into?"

Then he asked me, "Great. What night are you free to have dinner?"

And I responded, "Wednesday."

I didn't mean throw him by saying I'd meet him on a weeknight, but I did, and I could see it. He later admitting to thinking I'd say, "Saturday," but I was at a point in my life where I wasn't going to throw a perfectly good weekend away on some guy when I could be out having a good time with my friends.

So, I was doing the techniques I describe regularly, and I was getting out of the house, but I was not going from place to place looking for Mr. Right. I was just out having fun. And what happened was I attracted Mr. Right.

If I hadn't been visualizing, I doubt he would have been attracted to me, and I also doubt that word "yes" would have left my mouth; I would have put him off because I would have screened him out as "cute but not my type."

Interestingly, we did go out for that Wednesday dinner and ended up having so much to talk about that we decided to extend the night and meet up with some friends afterwards. I ended up getting home much too late for a work night!

He asked me out again, and from then on, things went very smoothly. I had never had a relationship that went beyond nine months (and even then, it was extremely rocky) before I started dating him.

We've been together for years now.

In Some Relationships, There's Abuse and Then There's Abuse

Rihanna and Chris Brown are still big news here in the States.

Allegedly, Brown beat Rihanna, and she had to be had to be hospitalized. Now, according to reports, she's taken him back, and they're going to record a duet together.

It's dumbfounding. The girl's on top of the world (huge record sales, makes loads of money advertising products), and she's going to waste time with a guy who hit her?

While Brown's alleged treatment of his girlfriend is clearly abuse, a lot of times, women date men who hurt them in much subtler ways. These guys play head games, manipulate, cheat, tell the girlfriend she's "fat" or "ugly," and that nobody else will want her.

Other men try to separate girlfriends from friends and family in order to gain control over them. Some pester their girlfriends by cellphone, texting and calling constantly (even while they're at work, jeopardizing their jobs!), to keep tabs.

Other subtle forms of abuse: deliberately and repeatedly ogling other women, or comparing the girlfriend to other women in a way that demeans her and makes her feel insecure and unattractive. Still other ways include refusing to compliment her on her achievements, or to even notice them.

If you're in a relationship with a guy who repeatedly and deliberately makes you feel bad about yourself or tries to control you, tread carefully. This person may light you up every once in a while by assuring you how much he "needs" you and "loves" you, but his behavior has nothing to do with love.

Take a step back. Ask yourself, "Would I treat a person I love like this?" And then ask yourself, "Would a guy who genuinely loves a woman treat her like this?"

The correct answer is "no."

Here's the thing: You do not need a boyfriend like this. You will be better off on your own. Forget about not wanting to be single. You will be better off single.

Yes, the pressure to "be in a relationship" can sometimes be overwhelming. But, please know this: The only way you'll ever attract a man who'll love you properly is to love yourself first. And a woman who hangs around with a man who habitually hurts her doesn't love herself. She'd be better learning to love herself, be happily single, and open to meeting a man who will treat her well.

You're too smart to live your life looking over your shoulder.

She Turns Him On, and He Can't Take It

Hi Terry,

My "man issues" are different.

I met this great guy, and the chemistry's great. We started out well, but my problem is, he's cut me out because of the strong sexual attraction between us. He is afraid of giving in to it because of his religious beliefs and values.

He doesn't even want us to be friends, according to him, seeing me alone is a turn-on for him. So what do I do? I really like him and would love to have a relationship with him.

-Would Love

Dear Would Love-

Here's the thing: If you somehow convince him to embark on that relationship you desire, and he gives into the sexual attraction, he will eventually resent you for it.

He'll blame you for separating him from the values his parents and religion instilled in him. He will come to perceive you as some sort of enemy.

No, this isn't fair. He is attracted to you, and you are clearly attracted to him. It seems such a waste not to be able to be able enjoy a relationship that just seems right and natural, doesn't it?

You want him. He wants you. What's the problem?

But, for him, it's a problem. And God didn't put you on this planet to convince anyone that you and he are meant to be, and that everything will be fine in the long run.

Your best bet is to give the guy what he wants. (Yes, I know you don't want to hear this, but hear it.) He doesn't want your friendship. Well, fine. Walk away quietly and keep your head up.

Please remember: You're (obviously) attractive. There will be other men with whom you enjoy tingly chemistry. Let their gain be this other guy's loss.

Attracting Men When It Seems There Are No Men to Attract

Here's an excellent question a reader sent me last week:

"I know sometimes you respond to letters and was wondering if you would at some point talk about dating in a small town. I love your ideas and think that they are essential to dating, but I get a bit pessimistic about my chances of finding "the man of my dreams" in a town of my size. I meet a lot of people and travel, but I see my pool as pretty limited."

Here's my answer:

Definitely stop seeing your pool as limited. I don't care if you live in a town that consists of just you, a horse, and a post office.

We're going to work with the law of attraction here. We are NOT going to be dissuaded by specific population statistics of a particular town.

First step: Forget about the apparent shortage of men. We're going to pretend that the very air you breathe is bursting with men. You're tripping all over them.

Close your eyes.

Everywhere you go, you see men. What's that like? Bring this image to life in your imagination.

See handsome men. Successful men. Honest men. Funny men. They're stepping aside and opening doors for you.

How does that feel?

Next step: Which of these men appeals to you most? Write down a list of his qualities. Is he honest, loyal, loving, reliable, successful, and fun? (Those were qualities from MY list, but please fill in the ones that matter to YOU.) Is he handsome?

Are you attracted to him? What does that feel like?

Is he attracted to you? What does that feel like? (Feel it in your solar plexus.) Look like? (Man, he looks good coming toward you in that pair of jeans.) Smell like?(He's holding you. Smell the soap in his shirt.) Taste like? (His kiss, or a meal you're enjoying together.)

Again, we're working with the law of attraction here. It works.

It's key to bring this man to life in your imagination twice daily. Please don't do it once and mutter a week later, "It didn't work." Keep up your visualizations. They're critical to your success.

After a while, your subconscious will nudge you: Go here. Do this.

In addition to visualization, you might look into Plentyoffish.com, a free online dating service that a couple of people I know have had success with. You can key in your zip code (or a neighboring zip code) and see if anybody interesting comes up.

But I recommend that you use it-- or any other dating service--only after you've been visualizing (in other words, actively attracting) for a while.

Putting yourself in situations where you can meet new men helps,
but it's less important than visualization.

Here's an email I received from another reader last Thursday (March 5th):

"...like the reader you mentioned in [a previous email], because of you I am getting married to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. Our wedding is in two months. We met shortly after I tried your visualization techniques and I couldn't be happier with the results. Unlike the previous reader though, I want to continue to read your emails because it helps me to pass on this valuable advice to other women. Also, I want to use the techniques for other things like losing weight, buying a house that's just right for us, etc."

This email made my day. Thanks so much to this reader for sharing
her good news!

Come On, Rihanna -- Just Walk Away!

"If a man hits you once, he will hit you again."
-Oprah Winfrey

Oprah's right about this, of course. My husband is right, too. He tells my daughters, "If a man hits you, he doesn't love you. He hates you."

And now Rihanna, a pretty, talented, once-hugely successful pop star, has -- according to reports -- resumed her relationship with the jackass who allegedly bashed her face in.

I'm praying that Rihanna walks away from this guy, that she asks herself where she wants to be five years from now. Maybe she'd like to still be on the top of the charts, making tons of money through endorsement deals, and in a happy relationship with a fun and gentle man who thrills her and doesn't receive lengthy text messages from other women.

It sure beats losing the respect of her fans (not because she was victimized but because she returned to her abuser), losing endorsement deals, and dodging the blows of a so-called boyfriend who thinks he can do anything he damn well pleases.

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The Right Man to Marry

Dear Terry:

Please help! How do I know the right man to marry?

Which one matters most? Is it love, wealth, education, background, or looks? Can one find at least three of these in one man?

-Want the Right One

Dear Want Right-

The qualities that matter most in a man are the ones you want in a man.

My best advice is to know what you want (and you seem to have that covered) and write it down. Sounds like hooey, but it isn't. (Read how it helped Susan Courtad meet the right man here.) Knowing what type of man you want makes you more apt to recognize him when he floats into your airspace. And, believe it or not, it helps you to attract him.

My next best advice is to bring a man who possesses the qualities you want to life in your imagination (not a particular man; you're inventing him in your imagination). In your mind, feel him, see him, hear him, taste him, smell him. How do you spend your time together? For example, what's a Wednesday like?

You should make a point of bringing this guy to life in your imagination twice a day, preferably before you get out of bed in the morning and just before you drop off to sleep at night. You'll notice that, after a while, additional details will start to fill themselves in.

You asked if it's possible for one man to possess wealth, education, background, and looks. Of course it is.

While you set to work attracting this fellow, I suggest you cultivate in yourself the qualities you value in him. So be loving and kind, make the most of whatever money comes your way, learn something new every day, and look your very best.

In other words, be the type of person you want to marry.

Dating for Two Years, She Doesn't Know if She Should Marry Him

Hi Terry,

I would like to talk to someone about my relationship with my boyfriend of two years.

I need to decide if I should marry him or break up. He had some issues, and he admitted his faults to me last week and promised to listen more to me, speak more from the heart instead of meanly, and a couple more things. I have been intimate with him. I was going to wait, but at 39 I guess I got tired of waiting and thought that he was going to be the one. We are bonded because of the intimacy and the time that has been invested.

However, this man has been stolen from by 6 different people, beaten up when younger, sick with Lyme disease and high mercury poisoning. He and I have different poltical beliefs. He says he just doesn't have the energy to care. I understand he is in survival mode because they almost foreclosed on his house. We also have different religous views, but mine have been changing lately.

Should I break up with him and wait for my ideal mate? He is telling me that he loves me and really wants to marry me and have children. I am not sure what to do. He says he never felt such a great chemistry with any woman before. I need someone who has wisdom and cares about me to hear me listen and give me their thoughts on this. What I should do?

-Not Sure

Dear Not Sure-

Okay, you know I can't make this decision for you, but to help you make it, I will highlight a couple of things that popped out for me from your letter:

- he promises to listen to you more and to stop talking meanly
- promises to listen to you more
- he "doesn't have the energy to care," is in survival mode
- you have different political and religious beliefs
- his financial situation is shaky.

So those are the negatives. These, I'm think, are what you believe are good reasons to stay in this relationship:

- You're over 39
- You had sex with the guy.

Neither of which is a big deal. Just because you had sex with the guy doesn't mean you have to marry him. Sure, I understand this marked a big step for you, but it doesn't mean you have to bond yourself for life to a man you are clearly not sure about. His financial situation may be a concern, as well. If you have the children he wants, will he be able to support them, or will you be lying awake at night wondering how you're going to pay the mortgage?

As for your age, remember this: Only the lucky get older. You may live another 60 years, and wouldn't you be better off single and captain of your own ship than married to a guy who doesn't make you happy?

(Oh, and here's a question: What would make you happy? A man who speaks to you with love and respect? A healthy man who meets life's challenges to the best of his ability? A man who makes you laugh?)

I recommend that you take your time with this man. You don't have to decide whether or not to marry him this afternoon. See if he keeps his promises to listen to you and stop talking meanly (tip: people's behavior generally doesn't improve after they marry; it gets worse). See if he moves beyond survival mode. See what steps he takes to change his financial situation.

After all, this is your life we're talking about.

He Loves a Serially-Abused Woman

Terry,

I have been searching for advice online for men who are in relationships with women who have been in abusive relationships. I have been seeing a wonderful woman. She has always been in relationships where the guy has treated her badly, and the last serious relationship she was in was physically abusive.

She says that she cares about me very much and wants to be with me but is not ready to love again and needs to take things slow. It seems that every time we get closer, she then pulls away. I have been trying to give her all of the space she needs, and I know that the right things to do is show her that I will be here no matter what, and that I understand and respect her need for space. Sometimes I feel like it is hard for me to express my needs to her because I am nervous that she will mistake them as demands or expectations.

She is one of the nicest, most caring persons I have ever met. I want her to be able to trust again, and I know it begins when she is able to trust herself. Do you have any advice that may help make it easier to get through the rough patches?

Sincerely,
A Really Supportive Guy

Dear Supportive Guy:

Let me get this out of the way: I used to have a habit of attracting (and being attracted to) emotionally abusive and -- in one case -- physically abusive relationships. I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, so please take the following for what it is: One woman's opinion.

Now, you sound like the type of man many of my readers would love to meet: Loving, kind, supportive, caring, and so on.

But you're involved with a woman who has a history of being in emotionally and physically abusive relationships. She's established a pattern. Obviously, I don't know this woman, but it's possible she's been attracted to people who hurt her.

Sounds crazy, but it's possible.

Does this mean she can't break the pattern? Of course not. I did it, but I was willing to do it. This means I sat myself down and asked myself what the payoff was in putting up with such garbage, and why I even thought I even deserved it.

I immersed myself in books like Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. I learned to treat myself as a treasure yet to be discovered. The more I worked on valuing myself, the less I found myself attracted to abusive people.

And over time I stopped attracting them.

I became attracted to healthy men and happy relationships, and I attracted them. (I've been in one for many years now.)

Here's the thing, though. You can buy your friend the book (You Can Heal Your Life), but you can't make her read it. You can't make her do anything.

In the end, it will be up to her to break the pattern of attracting abusive men. You can do it for her no more than you could lose weight for her or make her stop gambling or drinking (I'm not suggesting she has these issues, but you know what I mean).

But do point her in the right direction ("You're a really wonderful and worthwhile person," you can tell her. "But I can't make you understand that. You need to make yourself understand that, or nothing's ever going to change for you").

And take care of yourself.

Be open to two possibilities: 1) That one day she'll be ready to love you fully, or 2) that she never will.

Right now, this woman is emotionally unavailable. Continue to be a good and supportive friend, but make sure you're taking time for yourself and for your other interests. Go out with your other friends. Please do not let her become your whole world until she's demonstrated that she's willing to make you hers.

A Tough Proposal to Swallow

I'm really, really not into stunt proposals.

You know, where the guy hires a skywriter to spell out "LOLA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?" while you're minding your own business on the beach?

Or where the guy gets the lead singer in the bar you're hanging out in to give him the mic? And then pulls you onstage, gets on one knee, and whips out a ring?

You're so startled you don't know what the hell to do. You start blubbering (out of shock and horror and embarrassment, which everyone else in the place mistakes for relief and boundless joy). The word "yes" pops out of your mouth, which means you'll legally bind yourself to him because you don't want to embarrass the poor guy by saying, "no," or the smart thing, "I'll think about it."

Besides, you'd ruin a Saturday night for an entire roomful of people, and who wants that on her head, right?

The folks on Today reported on a recent stunt proposal that went wrong. Did the victim--er, woman--in question end up saying "yes?"

Of course she did.

Check out the video.

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He Didn't Call. Now What?

He said he'd call.

He didn't, and right now you're upset. You don't know why he didn't. All you know is, you were looking forward to seeing him again. You liked him. He seemed to like you. Heck, you KNOW he liked you.

So, why didn't he call?

Well, it probably had nothing to do with something you did or said, so stop worrying. If he said he'd call, it was up to him to live up to his word and actually do it. The fact that he didn't says more about him than it does about you.

So what now?

Here's what YOU WON'T do:

-Call him

-Text him

-Email him

-Get a friend to call him

-"Accidentally" bump into him in a club or bar where
you know he's apt to hang out.

Here's what YOU WILL do:

-Tell yourself that a guy who doesn't keep promises might not be
too much of a loss

-Treat yourself really, really well; remind yourself you're a treasure
yet to be discovered.

Here's what YOU MIGHT do:

-Call a good friend and go out for dinner, a movie, coffee, a drink--
something fun. (No crying in your beer.)

-Rent a movie (Broken English is a good romantic drama, Forgetting
Sarah Marshall is hilarious, and The Holiday is good fun, too). Curl up with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn

Tomorrow morning, congratulate yourself for NOT contacting the guy. You haven't appeared insecure, needy, or desperate. Hold your head up.

Now, it's possible (wouldn't be the first time), he'll come to his senses and call you during the week. When he asks you out again, tell him sorry, but you're busy (and just to keep things honest, go out and make yourself busy!).

The worst thing you can do is be easily available to a person who said he'd call and didn't (put yourself in his place: You tell a guy you'll call. You don't. You finally get around to calling, and he drops everything to be with you. Turn on or turn off? You tell me).

Make him work a bit to see you again. Give yourself a few days to decide whether he's even worth it.

Now, if the guy doesn't ever call, once again consider the very real possibility he's done you a very big favor. A guy who doesn't keep his word is probably very poor boyfriend material.

And you can do better. What's more, you deserve better.

Divorced and Met a Seemingly Great Guy: Should She Go for It?

Terry-

I reached a point where I thought there no good men since I kept on meeting one loser after another. I was tired of always initiating calls, dates, etc with men. Since I was put on your mailing list, I have changed. I don’t initiate anything with men. I let them do the chase.

I've been divorced for the past 11 months. My husband then was really abusive. I've met a few men then who have been equally losers. They don’t call when they say they will, they are never romantic, they are emotionally distant and always making me feel like am an option in their lives.

A month ago however, didn’t I meet a nice man? He is divorced also. He makes me feel like am the centre of his world. Am the first person he talks to when he wakes up and the last person he calls before he sleeps. He opens doors for me. My happiness is his interest. So far, he makes me feel appreciated. If he says he will call or come to see me and he doesn’t, he calls to apologize. He is like one of those perfect men from a movie or a novel.

Problem is am 27, he is 37. Can this age difference be a problem? Secondly, do you think because we are both divorced, this can be a problem?

-Need to know

Dear Need to know-

I don't think your age difference is a problem at all. A good friend of mine told me just Tuesday about her 43-year-old brother's happy marriage to a 33-year-old woman. She says they're on the same wavelength, enjoy the same things, and laugh all the time.

So if you enjoy this man's company, have a lot in common, and he treats you well, go for it!

Furthermore, I don't think the fact that both of you are divorced necessarily presents a problem. Obviously, you had a good reason for ending your marriage. We hope he had a good reason for ending his, but as you get to know him, it should come out.

Since you were in an abusive relationship before, I recommend that you really get to know this man. Do take it slowly. A lot of us (raising hand here!) have a problem of attracting the same type of person over and over. And while I'm not saying this is the case here, it's only been a month since you met this guy. It's a good idea to give the relationship time to make sure he doesn't exhibit any of your ex-husband's bad qualities.

You deserve the best. Be alert, take things slowly, and above all, enjoy yourself!

How Many Men Can You Meet in 100 Days?

Manifesting Mr. Right author Ronnie Ann Ryan once again offers her 100-Day Challenge, where she'll show you how to shake up your dating life by meeting 50 new men. (Because of vacation, I'm a little late in announcing the Challenge, but you can still get in).

Ronnie says: "You really can meet 50 men in just 100 days. This program will help you at whatever stage of the dating journey you're in. Sometimes active daters join to get new insights, while others may not have dated in a while. The Fall Challenge was a huge success."

Get the full story here.

For free tips on what not to say when you meet those men, click here.

How She Met a Man Who Makes Her Happy

I'm back from vacation, and what a neat surprise to read Susan Courtad's blog and find a post detailing how she met and started a relationship with her boyfriend of eight months. Lots of inspiration here.

Susan's an attractive, clever, funny single working mother who endured a traumatic divorce, and then some bumps along the dating road.

In addition to her blog, One Woman Show, Susan is shopping around a novel and also writes Dinner for One at the Imperfect Parent.

Sailing Away

DA(A)D will be on hiatus for a little while. The family and I are going to the Caribbean (between just packing and getting the house in order for the sitter, we need a vacation). Hope to have good stuff to tell you when I get back.

In the meantime, I've scheduled a couple of posts for next week to Single Women Rule. Check 'em out and, if you're so inclined, leave a comment.

Love to hear from you!

Chris Brown's Alleged Assault of Rihanna

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Wishing her well. Hope she'll get away and stay away. Once a guy hits, it's time to go.

Too Much Pressure for Valentine's Day?

I'm not wild about Valentine's Day.

I'm not sure why. It's not as if I'm haunted by tragic childhood memories, or anything. Our mother used to buy my siblings and me medium chocolate hearts and set them on our dinner plates. (She set a big one on our father's dinner plate.)

My parents bought each other mushy cards every single year. Sometimes they'd go out and, unbeknownst to the other, buy the same card.

They had a happy marriage all year round, so they hardly needed a commercially-mandated holiday to show their affection. I didn't understand it. Still, you might think I'd develop more respect for the annual day of love and romance.

I just never did.

Maybe it's the TV commercials that imply that if a man doesn't present a woman with just the right token on Valentine's Day, he'll never have sex again. Or the ads that make people who won't be on the receiving end of a gift feel defective (um, I've been there).

Then, there's that dinner thing. I love to go out to eat (and do almost every chance I get), but since I've been in a relationship, I avoid restaurants on Valentine's Day like a sinus infection. Oh, we tried it: wedged into a tiny table in a sea of tiny tables, stuck with an abbreviated menu (magically missing the particular salmon dish I actually wanted to eat), having to endure don't-let-the-door-kick-you-on-the-way-out service.

Nah. We'll eat at home, thanks.

But I have to admit, Peter and I have had decent Valentine's Days, for sure. One of the best on record had us -- pre-children -- making English muffin pizzas before heading to Tower Records with the gift certificates my brother gave us for Christmas. (At the time, we were aggressively saving for our first house.)

We've upgraded from English muffins since then, but by now you've probably figured out that our marriage hardly provides a boost to the diamond industry. Other women feel differently, of course.

I mean, obviously.

And, judging by all the lingerie displays we come across at this time of year, Valentine's Day is also a commercially-mandated day for sex. (This cracks me up.)

But maybe you -- like much of the rest of the population -- really do enjoy Valentine's Day, and you're wondering what the heck to buy that guy of yours. The Today Show reports that lots o' ladies plan to offer frame-worthy photos of themselves in their new lingerie this year.

In Love With a Married Man (Why Won't He Leave His Wife?)

Dear Terry,

I am writing to you out of frustration. I do not know if you would reply my email, but I would like to find a way out of my problem, so I write this email still.

Once, I had a relationship with a married man. However, one day he wanted to break up because he thinks our relationship is wrong and he does not want to make his life complicated. Upon hearing that, I reacted strongly since I love him dearly and I am quite sure he loves me too. I begged, cried, shouted at him. You name it. At first, he still answered my calls and talked to me, though coolly. Nevertheless, one day he asked me not to contact him anymore.

A few months later, his wife sent me a message confronting my relationship with him. I was very shocked because I had never thought he would confess to her. At that time, I was furious at him for not only breaking up with me but also exposing our relationship to his wife. Yet, my fury did not last long. Several days later, I realized that I still love him. This happens all the time I feel angry, even until now.

Becoming another woman is unpopular, so I could not discuss my relationship freely with my friends. There are very few who finally know because I feel I am about to burst keeping this inside my chest for so long. My friends suggest letting him go because he is not worthy and because our relationship is wrong and impossible (our religious belief does not allow divorce). However, deep inside my heart I want him and only him. I love him and only him. That is why I ignore my friends' suggestions and practice affirmation.

I have been practicing affirmation for about 1 year with no clear results. It is difficult to keep on practicing (and I do easily discouraged) when the facts are not favourable towards me (Honestly, I should say that things spiraled down afterwards) and my friends do not support me (I hate when they tell me to move on). I could not picture myself with another but I don't know how to get back with him. I have tried every way possible and acceptable for me, but still no results.

This problem has really clipped my spirit and robbed my peace of mind that it starts affecting my work and my social relations. Do you have any suggestion whatsoever? Thank you so much, at least for reading this far.

-In Love

Dear In Love,

I am so sorry about the unhappiness and frustration you're feeling.

Here is the truth: The man left the relationship, and no effort (mental, emotional, or physical) can bring him back. He is gone to you.

Affirmations work in drawing the right person to you; you specify the qualities you want in a man. You don't specify which particular man you want because that person may not be the right one for you. And a married man just isn't.

Have you ever thought about what it would really be like if he fulfilled your fantasy and left his wife for you? Over time, would his guilt over the situation cause him to resent you? Would your guilt cause you to resent him? Would you worry that because he left one woman for you, he would one day leave you for another woman?

It doesn't matter if he loves you, or if he doesn't. He knows the relationship is wrong, and he can't live with it. He's not going to live with it.

You say you love him and can't picture yourself with anyone else. You are living in a self-imposed prison when you deserve to be free and happy.

Let yourself get used to the fact that this man isn't coming back. Accept it. Let it hurt. And then you can start to feel better. Since you can't picture yourself with anyone else, don't. You're not ready yet.

You need time on your own. Spend time taking very good care of yourself, doing the things you liked doing before this man entered the picture. Treat yourself as you would a beloved child. Before long, the curtain will lift and the sun will filter in, and you'll feel your first glimmer of happiness.

Please take me seriously. You need to take steps to reclaim your life, or you'll wake up five years from now, still stuck but sadder and older.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I wish you the very best.

Terry

Unrequited Love Hurts No Matter How Old -- or Young -- You Happen to Be

Hey, Terry!

Thank you for all your amazing emails! Really, they've helped me a lot! Even though I'm just a teenager, I go through all that bullsh*t guys and men give us, and I hate being used and taken advantage of.

But I have another issue, and its one-sided love. I've loved a guy for almost 8 years, ever since we were little kids, and we grew up together. He acted like he loved me back, and he would always ask me to do everything for him, and I did and he never said thank you or showed any kind of appreciation, and I feel really bad because I know he used me, and all that love I've had for him for such a long time was for nothing. But I moved on, I think....

I mean I stopped doing things for him and even talking to him, and now he's in a relationship with someone. I can't stand it! I just hate seeing them walk together or hold hands. And the thing is I can't love anyone else but him. I don't know why. Maybe its because I'm so used to loving him? Please help me! I'm so depressed.

-Sick of it

Dear Sick of it-

The guy you describe sounds like an opportunist. That doesn't change the fact that you care for him, but I suspect that one of these days you'll realize he was never worthy of your affection in the first place. You'll run into him on the street and think, "What the heck was I thinking?"

In the meantime, you're in pain. The best way to get over it is to let yourself feel it. Then write down a list of the things you didn't like about this guy (come on; you know there were at least two). We tend to attribute all sorts of glowing qualities to the objects of our affection, especially when they're with someone else, but the truth is nobody is perfect. And this guy certainly isn't.

Every time his face wafts into your mind, whip out that list and remind yourself how annoying he could be at times.

And, instead of beating yourself up because he didn't choose you, consider the possibility that he did you a favor. He's somebody else's problem now. Also consider the possibility that time wounds all heels; perhaps someday someone will use him the way he used you. (Hate to sound vindictive, but it really is critical to treat others as you would have them treat you. Apparently, nobody told him.)

You know what they say: What goes around, comes around. Karma's a bitch. And, as my mother used to say, "Life has a way of catching up with people."

Treat yourself kindly. Write down a list of the things you like about yourself. Write a list of the things other people like about you, as well. Read it every time you start to feel down.

Consider the fact that you have a great deal to offer the boy or man who will be lucky enough to catch you.

What Are You Afraid Of?

So many of us want the relationship, but we're afraid of being abandoned, hurt, smothered, or bored. We want the success, but we're afraid of how it'll change us -- and the people around us. We want to drop the weight, but we're afraid of the attention it'll bring or the jealousy it'll inspire.

Get Ready For Love's Viveca-Stone Berry tackles fear in her first newsletter after a long hiatus, during which she became a kind of lay expert on migraine headaches (she's since helped herself and her husband -- also a sufferer-- ease the pain considerably).

This issue includes links to fear-piercing advice from Trust Your Vibes author Sonia Choquette and Rich Dad, Poor Dad's Robert T. Kiyosaki.

Check it out here.