Who Would Marry This Person?

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Drew Peterson, the four-times-married 54-year-old whose third wife turned up dead in a bathtub, and whose fourth wife disappeared and never turned up at all, claims he is newly engaged to a 23-year-old.

Why any woman would find this individual remotely attractive is beyond me, but experts have been weighing in with theories (some women have an unusual need for excitement, others just suffer from cripplingly low self-esteem).

Peterson himself has claimed that women frequently hand him their phone numbers.

In better news, a good friend told me yesterday that her brother, a nice and normal divorced man in his early 50s, is enjoying a serious relationship.

"Is the woman around his age?" I asked (I really didn't have to ask; I instinctively knew the answer).

"Yes," my friend answered. "They like to do a lot of the same things. He's happy. For the first time in a long time, he feels really good about the future."

Mama's Boy

I just got word that my book club meeting tonight is cancelled due to bad weather. Damn! I was looking forward to that hummus and wine.

So....

I'm not proud to admit this, but I'll probably tune into NBC's new sub-reality show, Momma's Boys, in which three overbearing mothers oversee their sons' choices of potential mates.

Check out the clip from this morning's Today Show. Am I a glutton for punishment, or what? (This review by Los Angeles Times critic Robert Lloyd says I definitely am.)

Attracting Men When You're Over 40

Hi Terry!

I am in my late 40s, never been married, and most of my friends are now married or in serious relationships, so my whole social group have almost instantly disappeared), and I am very social and used to having things to do every night). I work from home, so don't meet a lot of new people these days and most of my activities are not conducive to meeting men e.g. going to the gym to exercise classes which are all women etc.

I would love to be in a relationship, but my challenge is how to meet new/eligible/straight/unmarried men! I toyed a bit with on-line (although I may not have given it a fair try), but the guys on-line my age are looking for 20 year olds and even though I am a beautiful woman - I don't think that beauty comes across in my photos, so I don't think the on-line medium does me justice. I have a high level of education and I speak several languages and am looking for someone with an international perspective - sometimes I think it's where I live that limits me, but I talk to people in New York/ Washington, all over the country and world and it seems these men are few and far between.

So my question to you is -- if the on-line dating scene creeps me out (which it does) - what other avenues are there for being proactive in meeting decent men! As I said, I am far from shy and once in front of people can easily break the ice. It's just that I am not meeting them!! I never used to think age was an issue - but I guess in this situation maybe it is?

Looking forward to your perspective on this.

-M

Dear M.-

Yeah, a lot of guys in their 40s do look for younger women (just as more women in their 40s look for younger men), but, believe me, men who want to date a women their own age exist.

Some men really do prefer to date someone who was about their age in 1980; it gives makes them feel they have something in common, it makes it fun to reminisce, and it helps the woman fit in more easily with their friends.

Speaking of friends, when ours marry or become involved in serious relationships, a lot of them definitely disappear (very annoying, I know). The challenge is to always be meeting new people.

You're in the gym, and that's great. Are you making friends there? Who cares that they're all women? Make a friend and see where it leads. She may have a brother or a cousin or a co-worker who wants to meet a woman just like you. (Just don't drop her when you do meet someone special. We all need friends.)

You work from home. Is there a coffee place in your neighborhood where you could spread out with a newspaper and take a 45-minute break several times a week? The coffee places in my neighborhood tend to attract men with laptops. Become a regular. See who you meet.

Pick a night and go to a bookstore with a cafe. Choose some books, buy yourself a coffee, and hang out. The great thing about bookstores is that nobody will think you're weird if you're in there by yourself, and you're approachable if you're alone. Become a regular. If they have an open-mic night, be sure to go.

Find a friend and go to a high-end restaurant for drinks. In other words, go where educated men go, like a good steakhouse. (I know of one celebrated steakhouse that actually offers free drinks to women during certain hours; in other words, they get a lot of men hanging around, and they want more women.)

It's key that you go in there focused on enjoying your friend's company (avoid looking like you're on the make). Once in a while, splurge for dinner there. Become a regular. Treat the bartender well (once they get to know you, bartenders can be an excellent source of introductions).

Volunteering is a beautiful way to meet people, too. Try Volunteer Match or Habitat for Humanity.

Be a beacon of light wherever you go, whether it's to the supermarket or the dry cleaner or to the library (did I tell you the story about the ex-nun who met her very well-to-do husband when she worked as a clerk in a company library?). You never know who'll you'll meet, who'll see you, who'll know someone you'd like to know.

But, before you ever leave the house, it's important to know what you're looking for in a man, and I'm talking about more than just his looks and income. Look for honesty, a sense of humor, and generosity, for a start. Pull out a pen and write it down! Build that man in your imagination. Believe that he exists and is on his way to you.

While your beauty and education certainly have value, in the end you don't want to be loved for them. Embody the qualities you want in the man you attract (in other words, be the person you want to date).

You can't miss.

Dating vs. Hooking Up

Today's New York Times published a provocative piece by Charles M. Blow about the under-30 population's attitude toward dating. According to my teenage friend, what the article says is true: It's all about the hookup.

"There are girls in my school who find a new guy every week, and then come to school and brag about it."

"Really? I said. "Because I sure hope they're using protection. People can get really sick, you know." (Couldn't resist this opportunity to mention the disease-preventative properties of condoms.)

Back to Blow's article: He finishes it by calling the whole phenomenon "sad." I'm inclined to agree, but most of the people who commented on the piece clearly do not.

Read Blow's article here.

Does He Like You (Or Does He Just Need an Ego Boost)?

Just yesterday I sent a piece to my mailing list about men who flirt madly with you, capture your interest, and then...nothing.

Coincidentally, today Manslator Jeff Mac advised a woman who's wondering whether one of these types is truly interested in her, or if he's merely making eyes to give himself a major ego boost. It's great to get a male perspective on these matters, so check out Jeff's take here.

Perceptive Jeff is also the author of the hot new and humorous book, Manslations: Decoding the Secret Language of Men.

Date Safely

My favorite Irish correspondent wrote today to advise me of the term "sexual kleptomaniac," which describes a clown who'll say and do whatever it takes to get a woman into bed.

At the same time, New York investigators were trying to find out what happened to a 25-year-old woman who disappeared after leaving a club with a sexual predator named Michael Mele. Allegedly, this creep has a long track record of aggression and deviance, and the long arm of the law is finally catching up with him.

It's my fervent belief that most men are not sexual kleptomaniacs or deviants like Michael Mele (not by a long shot), but how do you protect yourself from the ones who are, especially if you're meeting guys online? Dating Coach and Manifesting Mr. Right author Ronnie Ann Ryan offers some good tips.

To read them, click here.

He Loves Her, But She's Abusive

Terry-

I don't really want to talk to my friends about this problem because it's kind of embarrassing.

The girl that I'm dating I love very much. We get along really good. But when we fool around she can get really physical. I'm in pretty good shape. I'm about 5'7, I box, and I also help teach boxing courses at the gym.

Well, the girl I'm dating is a bit taller (5'11) and a little bit bigger than me. Not fat, just thicker. I'm only about 145 and she's about 160. Maybe I'm saying all of this to justify my question so it doesn't look so dumb.

When we fool around, I can tell she's a bit stronger than I am. That alone kind of bothers me. But it is what it is. I have a pretty small waist and lean muscle while she has pretty big hips and bigger leg muscles.

This wouldn't be that big of a deal if she didn't get too physical. It's like she enjoys trying to hurt me.

Like if I'm on top she'll wrap her legs around really tight at times. I tell her to stop. But sometimes she'll actually get mad and want to stop. But I don't know what else to do. I can't even catch a deep breath and it feels like my ribs are going to crack in. I'm really not trying to exaggerate this. But it's not any fun for me. And it's nothing I can talk to my friends about. They would think I was a ......... a really weak guy.

She gets mad if I ask her to please me "down there". But I do that like 10 times to her 1 time she ever does it for me. Many times she'll make us stop fooling around completely.

Again, I'm not exaggerating about this. And, to make matters worse she has me lay on my back with her straddling over my face. Opposed to her laying on her back. But then she grinds so hard. Sometimes pushing down so hard that I can't catch a breath. THEN she'll get upset at me for "squirming" too much!!

When we are not fooling around it's GREAT. That's so odd to say. You'd think that I would like to fool around with her. I do and I would more. But it seems that the longer we've been together the more this element has been coming up.

Then there's the embarrassing factor. I want to be a boxer. I don't need to think I'm the toughest guy in the world. I'm clearly not. I can live with her being physically stronger. But when she's in the mood, and in that particular mood I get intimidated.

I would never hit her. Never ever ever. But, she's squeezed my ribs so hard at times that I have had to miss sparring. I'll even tell her before fooling around that I have sparring over the next couple of weeks (I can make okay $$ being a sparring partner). There have already been 2 times when I couldn't do that because of her acting like Kathleen Turner in War of the Roses

Is there any chance she'll lose interest in doing this/acting this way? Is she trying to show me that she's in charge when we fool around? Should I end the relationship? But if I do that, I could see her telling people about her hurting me and me being weak, not able to 'handle' her. That would be embarrassing.

-Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Before I give you my opinion (you don't sound like a weak guy, for one thing), here's what the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline has to say:

"Abuse is a pattern of coercive control that one person exercises over another. Battering is a behavior that physically harms, arouses fear, prevents a partner from doing what they wish or forces them to behave in ways they do not want.

Battering includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

If you think you might be in an abusive relationship please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or your local domestic violence center to talk with someone about it."

Note the bit in the third paragraph about gender. It's a myth to think that only men are capable of abuse in relationships. Women are more than capable of it, too, whether it's physical or emotional (but it's underreported because a lot of men fear being perceived as weak). If a woman had written to me about a man rendering her unable to work, I would tell her to run for her life.

As I said before, you don't sound like a weak guy. At all. You're hanging out with boxers, but a cursory glance around a mall near you will prove you're stronger and fitter than 96% of the US population.

You sound like a decent guy who's in love with a woman who treats you well when you're not in the sack. But once you hit the sack, she transforms into a creature who gets upset at you for wanting to keep your airway unobstructed. She stops the action because it's all about her, and you're not doing things according to her demands.

You say this behavior is escalating. The woman has injured you to the point where you were unable to work. This is absolutely not okay.

Just because you're a man, it doesn't mean you should let her behavior slide. You already know it's not okay, or you wouldn't have written to me.

Here's the tricky thing: You say you love her. Things may be great between you most of the time, but does it really make up for the other nonsense? If you stay with her, what will your life look like 10 years from now? Will you have been able to achieve your goals as a boxer? Can you imagine being married to her?

You say that if you break if off, you could see her telling people about hurting you and that you're weak. What kind of person would say such things? And if she does say them, would they reflect on her or you?

I'm guessing it would not be you.

I don't know this woman, and I don't know what else she's capable of. If you decide to get out of the relationship, and she makes things dangerous for you, please make a call to the good people at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

You wouldn't be the first man to do it.

Have Her Chances for Love Passed Her By?

Terry-

You are so fortunate to have found your life partner and have a nice life. I am almost sixty years old and have waited patiently all of my life for my life partner.

A college graduate from a private women's college, I returned home to find my classmates married. I live in a small town and have worked in a variety of fields and eventually worked my way up from teller to vice president in a local bank. I currently am a caregiver to my 93 year old father. Have always been the caregiver to my parents and siblings. Also take care of an animal shelter by myself.

Do not get asked out because most of the men are married (they flirt a lot). The single men are divorced and too scared to get into another relationship (they can barely talk).

I really expected to have a husband and family, but no one ever chose me. I am approachable and speak to people. People whom I don't know even speak to me for advice when I am out shopping. I have worked with women who got divorced and the next day there was a line of guys wanting to date them. Meanwhile I was totally ignored by men.

About three years ago, a guy who I have known for twenty years made his move. He is a very intelligent doctor who has a practice nearby but lives an hour away. He seems to care about me but never asked me out or gave me any flowers or gifts. He has been divorced three times but that was before I knew him. He told me about his parents and siblings (he has no children) but didn't show me his house or introduce me to his family.

Two years ago I broke my collarbone and he was the first doctor to treat me. Then he never checked on my progress - no calls, did not come by, no soup, nothing. I was shocked that he wasn't concerned. He also treats my family and wants to make sure I can reach him and have all of his phone numbers.

Well, this relationship is hopeless and in the past two years I have aged a lot. It is the holidays and once again I must go through them alone.

I have prayed to God for years and sat in church with all of the married men and jealous wives. Just think that God forgot me. I don't get anything for Valentine's Day and I usually buy my own birthday gifts. Don't get to celebrate anniversaries and go on nice trips. Mainly just work all the time. This past Spring I did make an effort to go to several concerts by myself for a change of pace. Just have a lot less energy now. It amazes me how so many people found their life partners.

-D.

Dear D.-

You didn't ask for any advice, so I won't give you any.

I will say this, though: I don't believe God forgot you (I don't believe he forgets anybody). I do believe that age is irrelevant. If you're in good health, age doesn't matter. (My husband's aunt is vital and healthy at 104; my husband's brother, an athlete, died of an aneurysm at 20.)

As far as finding my life partner, it was less about finding someone to choose me and more about determining what I wanted in a man, and then deciding that I "had" him.

This took concentrated effort. It meant acting as if, thinking as if, believing as if the guy truly existed on a daily basis in my life, house, and car. For example, I stopped sleeping in the middle of the bed to make room for him.

This may sound like hocus-pocus, but I conditioned my subconscious mind to believe this man and our relationship existed. What the subconscious mind accepts as reality, it brings to pass. There are lots of good books on this subject, including Positive Imaging: The Powerful Way to Change Your Life
by Norman Vincent Peale.

Just so you know: Prior to meeting my husband of 16 years, my longest relationship lasted nine months. And it was a disaster.

I don't believe for one minute that love is out of the question for you.

When Your Love's Dishonest

This email came from a guy, but I'm pretty sure we can all relate:

Hello, Terry-

If your girlfriend does something dishonest, what's the best way to handle it?

Your friend,
F.

Dear F.-

It depends on what they did. If the person in question snatched a shot glass from a bar, I'd be turned off. But if I really liked him (or, in your case, her) I'd probably say something like, "That's stealing, isn't it?" and listen carefully to his response.

Eh, who am I kidding? I probably wouldn't date him again.

As for people who lie, I don't have much patience for them, either. If a guy told me I looked great even if I knew I didn't, I might chalk up his lack of honesty to kindness, but I'd think twice about asking his opinion again.

Since none of us is perfect, it's possible that a stupid fib will pop out of someone's mouth during a moment of insecurity, and that's probably okay as long as the person takes pains to be honest in the future. We're all capable of little lapses in honesty -- in our words and in our actions -- every now and then. It's how we handle ourselves afterwards that matters. We must strive to do better the next time.

But if I were with a guy who lied to me (or to anyone else) as a means of getting through the day, I'd definitely kiss him goodbye.

Life is complicated enough without having to figure out what's real and what isn't. When you're in a long-term relationship, it contributes greatly to your piece of mind to be able to trust your partner. You can't build happiness on a shaky foundation.

In case you're wondering if I ever lied to my husband, I did. Once. I made up some silly story to get him to a surprise party. While he really enjoyed the party (and the gesture), he did express concern about how well I lied to him about it. It did make him wonder what else I was capable of lying about.

I made it a policy never to lie to him again, and I hold him to the same standard. Years ago, I fell in love with a liar, and it cost me many months of sleep, not to mention my self-esteem.

If you're an honest man, you deserve to date an honest woman. She's out there. Accept nothing less.

-Terry

She's In No Rush to Get Married--Is She Weird, or What?

Hi Terry,

I guess that first I would like to commend you on the advice you give others with their pressing life's questions. You seem to analyze things the same way that I do, and I guess that's why I wanted to come foreward and ask you a question of my own.

First off I am only 21 years old (still very young I know), but I've recently found out that my views on marriage are so much more different than everyone else's that I have come across. I have been with my boyfriend, the love of my life and my best friend, for two and a half years, and unlike most people I am not expecting an engagement ring any time soon. I don't feel that we have been together long enough to receive such a gift.

I read about people wanting rings after only a year or sometimes even less and getting them, and it makes me nervous in my stomach. Forever is a very long time and to base so much on such a short time would make me uneasy.

But on another note there is no doubt that my boyfriend and I will be together forever as we tell each other often. We share dreams of having a home, children, dogs, and maybe even some day a cottage by a river. We sometimes lay awake a night and collectively daydream about what dreams we have the future (now if we can ever agree on a son's name lol). He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I cannot imagine my life without him. I feel like as long as I have him, and we continue working towards our future I'm happy and don't need anything else, and I know he feels the same.

But then there is the topic of marriage. Currently both of our parents are going through nasty separations. My parents are separating from a 22 year marriage and his mother is divorcing from her second marriage, this one of 16 years. Both of our mothers are already dating and have not had communication with us in almost a year. We're both going through the same thing, and so have been able to offer each other a lot of support. But I think that these ordeals have made us both afraid of marriage.

Through the past 2 and a half years with him I've realized that I don't need a ring to prove that he loves me or that I love him. That we don't need a piece of paper to stay together forever and to make each other happy. We both put equal parts into the relationship and keeping a happy home with our two cats. I realized that the only reason I would want to get married would be to have his last name and to wear that beautiful dress, and I really don't need either. As long as I have him to make me laugh, to share my dreams with, to hug me when I cry, and encourage me when I'm down I don't see why I need a ring and a rock. Am I completely crazy and off the radar that I'm not crying for a ring?

Sure some days I often think that the party would be fun and that our relationship wouldn't change with marriage (just because we're both so aware of what happens) but is it wrong or odd of me to not feel pressured to be married by society and family? For me to not become crushed if there's not a promise ring for me in a box under the tree (We always agreed promise ring before engagement ring and puppies before babies)? I almost feel like a black sheep.

When we talk about how we feel about marriage I feel fine but then when we're around all of our friends who are engaged and having children, they laugh at our idea and are taken back by the fact we're not in a rush to get married. Why does it make me feel like I'm weird? I read these questions about people ready to end a six-month relationship because they don't have a ring yet, and I can't help but wonder why I have no desire to get one. If he ever asks my answer is yes because I know we'll get through any problems together, but will we ever get over our fear of marriage?

I know its a long email but you seemed like the one person I could explain my problem to without any ridicule. There's multiple problems in this I know. The fear of marriage and the pressure of society. Its a small problem compared to some but I just need to know that I'm not weird (Which I use the word weird for lack of another more fitting word). I hope I didn't confuse you too much, and I hope I hear from you soon.

-T

Hello, T-

Thanks for the kind words.

Now, do I think you're weird? On the contrary, I think you're smart, self-aware, and show incredible wisdom for a person of any age, let alone 21 years.

Let's talk about your age. You're 21, and society chides you because you're in a relationship but not pining for a ring. You're barely out of school, finding your way in the world, deciding what's right and what's not right for you, and somehow this makes you weird.

But you're not. You haven't allowed other people to make decisions for you. You know your own mind. You are to be respected, not chided.

Now about the fear of marriage. Again, you're 21. Your parents and your boyfriend's mother are in the middle of what you term "nasty" divorces. Well, really, who in your position--and in her right mind-- wouldn't think twice before she legally bound herself to another person?

The truth is, many people don't get married because they're in love. They get married because "it's time" or "everybody else is doing it" or because they promised themselves they'd beat their sister, roommate, or cousin to the altar (seriously, some people do this).

It's insane.

You and your boyfriend, on the other hand, seem to be working out very carefully what you want out of life together. Believe me when I tell you that so many engaged and married people don't have the conversations you're having. They buy a ring, buy a dress, and wing the rest. They wake up a year or two years or five years later wondering if one or the other is ever going to want children, or if they're ever going to agree on when to swap the one-bedroom in the city for a house in the suburbs.

Eventually, a lot of them give up trying to convince the other and divorce.

Will you ever get over your fear of marriage? I don't know. You and your boyfriend might consider counseling to work through your very natural and intelligent concerns. Or you may just keep going at the pace that feels comfortable and see how things unfold.

All the very best to you,

Terry

It's Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving. It's fun and free of the pressure of having to run around and get just the right gift for everybody from Grandma to the doorman.

Today we're headed to my brother and his fiancee's house to celebrate with all the Hernons (first time our schedules have allowed us to be in the same room together in a long time).

Whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or not, have a brilliant weekend. If you're so inclined, check out my article, Still Single for the Holidays? Lucky You.

Loving a Younger Man

Conventional wisdom used to say that only men like Jack Nicholson and Mick Jagger got away with dating much-younger members of the opposite sex, but everyday women are dating--and marrying--guys young enough to be their own sons in increasingly greater numbers.

The December issue of More magazine features a fascinating essay by E.D. Cohen, a woman who, at the age of 37, married a 21-year-old man.

Women like Cohen have become so prevalent that BBC America produced a documentary about relationships between younger men and older women called Sugar Mummies, to which the Today show devoted a segment last week. Meredith Vieira interviewed Linda Franklin of The Real Cougar Woman and Valerie Gibson, author of Cougar-A Guide For Older Women Dating Older Men.

The AARP reports that 30% of women over 40 are dating younger men.

Got you thinking? Dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan helps you figure out which type of younger man is right for you.

He's Cute, He Has a Great Job, But...

Hi Terry,

I met this guy three months ago who says he really likes me. He's 30 years old, handsome, and has a very nice well-paying job. When I met him, he was living in another town, but he said he has had no girlfriend since June last year. One day I told him that I would like to visit him, and he told me that I couldn't visit him there unless when he moves to a new town - which is where I live.

This guy is now in the same area where I live. His house should be about 10 minutes drive from my house, and yet he has never invited me or given me directions to his house. He calls me every few days just to say he likes me and is thinking about me. He passes through my house once in two weeks for about 30 minutes just to say hi. I have asked him whether he has a girlfriend, and he has said no. He says I am the one he would like to be his girlfriend. Since I am just coming out of an abusive relationship, I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I find his behavior very suspicious and would like to cut him out of my life before things progress.

His looks are very tempting, but I would rather consider his character and personality first since I was deceived by looks before. I ask myself why he hides his house-what else is he keeping me from knowing?

His behavior is suspicious, isn't it? I haven't called or returned his calls for over a week because of my suspicions.

Thanks.

M.

Dear M.-

Your instincts are excellent. This man's words do not match his actions, and I wouldn't waste another minute thinking about him until they do.

Since you've suffered an abusive relationship, you're right to be careful. I'm sending you an article about how one person got past a similar experience. I hope you'll find it useful.

Thank you for writing.

All the very best,

Terry

Is This It? She Wants to Feel More of an Attraction

Dear Terry,

You are so incredibly sweet and sound so genuine. I truly appreciate how much care and dedication you put in your writing. I wish you all the succcess in the world!

I have a question which I'm sure you have an answer for. You see, I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man! I love him dearly. He has so many wonderful qualities, not to mention being an excellent cook and musician. I know you always tell us "not to settle," which is excellent advice, and I don't think I'm necessarily settling in this instance (although I could be wrong), but one question pops up in my mind which I've been concerned about.

I have used the law of attraction to attract my honey; however, in that process I didn't always feel a surge of romantic passion emerge. Since God has blessed me with this wonderful person, my attraction towards him has grown considerably; however, it's weak in comparison to the attraction I've felt towards men who haven't treated me nicely in the past.

Do I have this relative feeling of low romance towards him because of my own insecurities? I think that I'm going through a transition phase at the moment, hence why I was able to attract this great guy into my life, but what I need to work on is loving myself more. In that case, do you think my attraction towards who I think is Mr. Right will continue to grow? I feel so silly for asking this since it seems like I've already figured it out but I just want a confirmation from someone who seems to have her act together in this area.

Also, do you have any suggestions, or is wanting to feel greater attraction for your significant other an act of settling? Though I don't think it is, any help on this matter is greatly appreciated. Also, I really do want to make this relationship work because I believe it's the right thing to do-we both share the same aspirations, attitude towards life, and like I said I do love him dearly. It's just that I want to feel a greater depth of attraction!

-Confused

Dear Confused:

Thanks for the extremely kind words.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your attraction to men who didn't-- or don't-- treat you well. In a lot of cases, women do find themselves drawn to substandard men because they suffer from low self-esteem. Other women suffer from plain old fear of commitment. They dig bad boys because on a subconscious level, they know they'll never have to look at him every day for the rest of their lives.

So, now you have a happy relationship with a man with whom you have a lot in common. He treats you well. You love him. But still you have this nagging feeling: Is this all there is? And why am I still thinking about So-and-So?

Let me be clear about settling. I wouldn't settle for a man who doesn't love me. I wouldn't settle for a man I don't love. I wouldn't settle for a man to whom I'm attracted but mistreats me.

If you love this guy, and he loves you, and your attraction is growing, keep going. See where you're headed. It's not settling.

But ask yourself if you'd like him better if he treated you worse. Really think about this. You certainly wouldn't be the first person saddled with the I-Refuse-to-Join-Any-Club-That-Would-Have-Me-as-a-Member Syndrome.

If you decide you suffer from it, do this: Imagine yourself married to one of the yo-yos you mistreated you. Bring to mind all the things you did not like about him (you know, the ones we conveniently forget when we're in the throes of a pleasant memory). Perhaps he used to go around with hair coming out of his ears, or he liked to make up his own words. Or something. You get the idea.

How would you like waking up to that for the rest of your life? Or going to bed wondering if he and his hairy ears are ever coming home?

If you decide you don't suffer from the I-Refuse Syndrome, ask yourself if you harbor reservations about long-term relationships or marriage. A lot of us do and don't even realize it. We just walk around wondering why we keep being attracted to unsuitable guys.

Ask yourself, "What would marriage look like on a day-to-day basis?" This'll help you figure out if you fear ending up horribly bored, abused, or a miserable chain-smoker in track pants like Aunt Louise. Do some digging to root out any nagging concerns that could be distracting you from your current relationship.

Examine the horrifying scenarios you come up with, and then ask yourself, "Is something like this guaranteed to happen? Can something better happen? What would it be?" And focus on that. Some people are happily married all their lives. Is it possible that you and this fellow could be two of those people?

Finally, you say that your attraction is growing for him. So give it time. What's the rush? Maybe your attraction for him will keep growing. Or maybe you'll decide that he'd make a great friend, and your relationship will turn out to be a dress rehearsal for something else.

Again, give it time. By all means, work on loving yourself more. (And if we all work on being more loving in general, the world will be a better place.)

Take your relationship day by day. Enjoy it. Let it become what it will be. Above all, stop worrying so much about it.

Have fun.

-Terry

Should She Remain Friendly With an Ex?

I have a quick question, Terry....

Do you think women should stay friends with an ex..whether that be a guy they've only dated a few times or for a longer period? I mean when the guy has been the one to either not initiate a romance, or he's just moved on?

-Sian

Hi, Sian-

It all depends on how the woman feels about him.

If she's harboring feelings for the guy, it makes it really hard to stay friends. It might be best for her to merely smile and wave when she runs into him--and then keep moving. She shouldn't be unfriendly to the guy (unless he's been a real jerk), but if being around him makes her feel uncomfortable, sad, or woefully unattractive, there's no point in trying to be his buddy (especially if it distracts her from meeting someone else who would make her happy).

But if it doesn't bother her that the guy moved on after a couple of dates, or that she doesn't light him up, why shouldn't she befriend him? They could have great times together. He just might introduce her to other interesting people and invite her to excellent parties, as well.

-Terry

She Wants a Commitment

Dear Terry:

I'm a 50 year old single woman (who looks and acts 35!) and have been "seeing" a man 13 years younger than myself. He lives in another part of the state. We have been seeing each other for 5 1/2 years now, and he shows no signs of wanting a committed relationship.

He says he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, but that he loves my company, and that it would break his heart if I stopped seeing him. When we first started seeing each other, he used to tell me he loved me all the time, but he doesn't say it anymore. As you can tell, I have been 5 and 1/2 years patient. He is a kind and gentle man and very intelligent, which is a big turn on to me, not to mention the passion we have in the intimate department.

We call each other every two weeks or so, and visit each other once a month, more or less. Sometimes I want to tell him "I can't see you any more because I deserve to be loved by someone who loves me just as much or more than I love them....", but I feel like there is no one else out there for me. I go out dancing almost every week end with friends (love to country western dance!) but have not met any one worth giving time to. Any advice?

-Dancer

Dear Dancer:

You do deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love him, but there's no point in telling it to the guy you're seeing now.

If you've been with me for a while, you know I believe (from my own experience) that the best way to get what what you want is to know what you want. So far, the guy you've been with seems to have most of the qualities you want, minus one: The ability or the inclination to make a commitment.

If you decide to stop seeing him, I don't know that you have to make a big announcement about it. You might just taper off your calls and visits. If you decide to keep seeing him, ask yourself if your passion for him will hinder you from moving on to someone else who's hoping to meet a woman he can love and marry.

So, let's work on meeting that guy.

First, get over the belief that there's not another man out there for you. There is.

Then write an affirmation which includes the qualities you want in that man:

"I, _________________, am happily married to a faithful, fun, passionate, intelligent, (fill in the blanks) who loves me and never lets me forget it."

And feel it that "reality" with all your senses.

Then act "as if:" What would your day look like if you were with such a person? More important, what would it feel like? What would it be like to wake up beside this person in the morning? What would you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Touch?

You'll find that, with practice, your imagination will fill in the details. As time goes on, you'll convince your subconscious that this new man and this relationship is real in your life--and then watch out!

You've been wise to keep yourself busy by dancing with your friends, doing something you love, but why not shake things up a bit and add something new to your routine, as well. Why not check out an open mic night at a coffee shop or become a regular in a bookstore cafe? The great thing about bookstores: You will look perfectly normal hanging around there on your own.

By all means, keep dancing. But remember that wonderful men can show up anywhere: in the supermarket, at the bank, at the cleaners. Wonderful men can also turn out to be the friends, cousins, and brothers of the people you meet in those places.

So, be sure to spread love, kindness, and good humor as you go about your day. It will come back to you in kind.

Above all, don't worry about being 50. If you keep yourself in good shape and radiate a youthful attitude (and apparently you do), nobody really cares. If you're young at 50, chances are you're going to be young at 60, 70, and 80. (This will remain to be seen of a 30-year-old, who may think herself into old age by 40.)

Keep loving yourself, loving others, and getting out of the house, and you'll do just fine.

P.S. This just in: Check out Jeannette Maw's Good Vibe Blog to find out what Oprah had on her vision board. What a great Story!

Jerks Who Sometimes Show Up in Bars

Today's "Dear Abby" featured a letter from a psychologist who has lately been getting calls from men looking to talk to one particular woman.

Apparently, the woman meets these guys in bars. Either she's too timid to reject them outright or she's a sadist, and so she hands them a trusty phony phone number which, it turns out, belongs to the psychologist. Now the psychologist is rattled about having to field numerous texts and messages from Miss Chickenheart's ardent admirers.

I've known women who do this sort of thing, and I've heard there's even a phone service they can use to do their dirty work. They use some guy for free drinks all night and give him the service's number instead of their own. Then, when he calls, he gets some horrific canned message announcing that the object of his affection never wants hear from him again.

Not funny.

But guys pull this crap, too. A good friend of mine once seriously dated a guy who bragged about going to bars to see how many women's phone numbers he could collect. At the end of the night, he'd count them up and rip them into pieces. What a rush!

Seemed a bit psycho to me at the time, but the fact that he'd kept my friend's number made her feel like she'd bagged a shimmering prize. She continued dating him until she found out he was seeing someone else: His stepsister.

Which made me wonder if the stepsister was the type who imparted fake digits to unwitting admirers. Because a girl like that has something in common with the guy who collects phone numbers with the sole aim of destroying them.

They're jerks, and they deserve each other.

There is No Such Thing As Mr. Perfect

I found the following comment on the post Law of Attraction in Action and will address it here:

I am also quite fussy in choosing the right clothes, right college and now right person to date....ok I have lot of years still to meet Mr.
Perfect!...I have finished college and am now working in the corporate world and earning cool money but I am lonely at the end of the day! ...
And Boy! What all I have done to meet that Mr. Perfect...tried Facebook, MySpace, Match.com, but somehow in the end its always that I end up thinking that he is not good enough for me...Of late I have started using another site - as I heard that it's much better to help meet Mr. Perfect...so let's see what it does...

I sometimes hate myself to be so damn choosy...but I am like that since birth...I seek perfection ...what should I do?

-Choosy

Dear Choosy-

First off, stop hating yourself. Hating yourself always leads to making bad choices, which in your case may mean isolating yourself from people and experiences that might make you happy.

Or, it may not. It's entirely possible you're not ready for a relationship. As you said, you're young. Guess what? Today people marry later. A lot of us want to finish our educations and establish ourselves in careers before we bind ourselves to another human for life. This can be a good thing. Educated and financially sound people enjoy a lower divorce rate than their less educated and wealthy counterparts (please see the video below for more on this).

Now, you say you seek perfection, and you've scoured almost every available Internet source in search of it. But guess what? No man is perfect. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. It's not fair to expect perfection from another human being.

Sure, it's wise to know what you want in a man. Presumably, you want someone honest, kind, who values education as you do, and so on. Perhaps you also want someone who's funny because life, as I don't have to tell you, has its ups and downs, and we all need a laugh to get us through the bad times.

So, know what you want and don't settle for anything less. For example, if you want a kind man, don't settle for a guy who gets in the elevator and bangs the CLOSE button 10 times so he doesn't have to wait for the old lady humping along with a walker. Don't settle for a guy who lies or makes you wait in restaurants for him or doesn't call when he says he will.

But don't expect that the right man will never have a bad day, that he'll say or do the right thing in every situation, or that he'll look sharp when he's come down with a bad cold. Seek a man who you can love who'll love you and make your happiness a priority. Seek a best friend to whom you can be a best friend.

Treat others as you would have them treat you, and only hold them to the standards you can hold yourself. Again, not one of us is perfect. To pretend otherwise will only prevent you from enjoying life and the people who make it interesting.

Check out the video I mentioned:

How Can Emotional Freedom Technique Help You?

Here's what health authorities are saying about the easy-to-learn, easy-to-use technique that cured my insomnia:

"EFT offers great healing benefits."
-Deepak Chopra, MD

"EFT is at the forefront of the new healing movement."
Candace Pert, PhD
Author of Molecules of Emotion.

"By removing emotional trauma, EFT helps heal physical symptoms too."
Norm Shealy, MD
Author of Soul Medicine.

Click here for my Single Women Rule interview with EFT practitioner Alison Held. She'll explain how EFT can help you, too.

If you're suffering the loss of a loved one (or from a broken heart), trying to lose weight, or dealing with chronic physical or emotional pain, check out my interview with EFT practitioner and nutritional consultant, Alison Held.

EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. According to its founder Gary Craig, it's "an emotional, needle-free version of acupuncture that is based on new discoveries regarding the connection between your body's subtle energies, your emotions, and your health ...."

Alison helped me beat a bad case of insomnia and anxiety after the death of my mother. And, believe it or not, she did it in one session. The great thing about EFT is that you can do it yourself by yourself after using the free resources Alison suggests. Or, if you prefer to have someone walk you through it, Alison will offer listeners 20% off an initial consulation.

Click here to listen to my Single Women Rule interview with Alison.

Break Up Advice From a Reader

Terry-

Your newsletters on breaking up came at the perfect time.

The man I adore has gone quiet. This is not the first time he's "run away." But this time, I decided to simply let him go. Of course, my mind sees him everywhere, hear his voice in songs, etc.

When that happens, I simply hold him in my heart and silently say to myself, "I love you with all my heart, and I let you go." Sometimes there are a few tears, but always there is peace.

What is love, anyway, but being able to give the other person freedom without our "wanting" them to conform to our wishes and ideals?

-It works

Dear Works-

What is love, indeed?

You're an incredibly smart woman, and a lot of us will learn from your experience. Thank you so much for writing.

Terry