Friday, November 14, 2008

She Wants a Commitment

Dear Terry:

I'm a 50 year old single woman (who looks and acts 35!) and have been "seeing" a man 13 years younger than myself. He lives in another part of the state. We have been seeing each other for 5 1/2 years now, and he shows no signs of wanting a committed relationship.

He says he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, but that he loves my company, and that it would break his heart if I stopped seeing him. When we first started seeing each other, he used to tell me he loved me all the time, but he doesn't say it anymore. As you can tell, I have been 5 and 1/2 years patient. He is a kind and gentle man and very intelligent, which is a big turn on to me, not to mention the passion we have in the intimate department.

We call each other every two weeks or so, and visit each other once a month, more or less. Sometimes I want to tell him "I can't see you any more because I deserve to be loved by someone who loves me just as much or more than I love them....", but I feel like there is no one else out there for me. I go out dancing almost every week end with friends (love to country western dance!) but have not met any one worth giving time to. Any advice?


Dear Dancer:

You do deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love him, but there's no point in telling it to the guy you're seeing now.

If you've been with me for a while, you know I believe (from my own experience) that the best way to get what what you want is to know what you want. So far, the guy you've been with seems to have most of the qualities you want, minus one: The ability or the inclination to make a commitment.

If you decide to stop seeing him, I don't know that you have to make a big announcement about it. You might just taper off your calls and visits. If you decide to keep seeing him, ask yourself if your passion for him will hinder you from moving on to someone else who's hoping to meet a woman he can love and marry.

So, let's work on meeting that guy.

First, get over the belief that there's not another man out there for you. There is.

Then write an affirmation which includes the qualities you want in that man:

"I, _________________, am happily married to a faithful, fun, passionate, intelligent, (fill in the blanks) who loves me and never lets me forget it."

And feel it that "reality" with all your senses.

Then act "as if:" What would your day look like if you were with such a person? More important, what would it feel like? What would it be like to wake up beside this person in the morning? What would you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Touch?

You'll find that, with practice, your imagination will fill in the details. As time goes on, you'll convince your subconscious that this new man and this relationship is real in your life--and then watch out!

You've been wise to keep yourself busy by dancing with your friends, doing something you love, but why not shake things up a bit and add something new to your routine, as well. Why not check out an open mic night at a coffee shop or become a regular in a bookstore cafe? The great thing about bookstores: You will look perfectly normal hanging around there on your own.

By all means, keep dancing. But remember that wonderful men can show up anywhere: in the supermarket, at the bank, at the cleaners. Wonderful men can also turn out to be the friends, cousins, and brothers of the people you meet in those places.

So, be sure to spread love, kindness, and good humor as you go about your day. It will come back to you in kind.

Above all, don't worry about being 50. If you keep yourself in good shape and radiate a youthful attitude (and apparently you do), nobody really cares. If you're young at 50, chances are you're going to be young at 60, 70, and 80. (This will remain to be seen of a 30-year-old, who may think herself into old age by 40.)

Keep loving yourself, loving others, and getting out of the house, and you'll do just fine.

P.S. This just in: Check out Jeannette Maw's Good Vibe Blog to find out what Oprah had on her vision board. What a great Story!


Sian said...

I have a quick question Terry..Do you think women should stay friends with an ex..whether that be a guy she has only dated a few times or a longer relationship...and I am meaning when the guy has been the one to either not initiate a romance or just moved on?

Terry said...

Will answer this in a post, Sian. ;)

she-ra said...

Hi Terry,
I have always felt your comments and advise were "right on" but I am confused about your post to "She Wants a Commitment" because toward the end you say "Above all, don't worry about being 50. If you keep yourself in good shape..." yet in other places you state that it doesn't matter if you are fat that you can attract "that someone special"....I am overweight and it is tough job to lose weight...and I thing I am a great person and deserve to be treated like a "gift" but I do not believe I have to settle for someone that will just accept the "overweight" gal...and I am 45..yet here you are saying that as long this 50yr old is "in shape" then it is OKAY! This makes me feel uncomfortable and confused. Please note that I am not here to be negative, I am just confused by this, can you please clear this up for me.
Blessings to you and all the work you do!

Terry said...

Hey, She-Ra-

Sorry about the confusion.

I absolutely do believe you can attract a great guy if you're overweight (and I've seen a great deal of evidence to prove it).

I should probably have emphasized that keeping oneself in great shape has more to do with projecting that youthful attitude and less to do with ardous workouts or liposuction (sorry about that).

As I posted, I was thinking of a couple of people I know who stopped being young at the age of 35(this really gets me down). The woman who wrote for advice in this post clearly isn't one of them, and I wanted to encourage her to keep being the young, vital person she clearly is.

Age means nothing if you have your health and happiness. My husband's aunt is active at age 104; his very athletic brother died suddenly of an aneurysm at age 20.

I do believe in exercise, however, because it makes me feel good (endorphins and all that). I'm never going to be the girl who shows up in the gym (I like the privacy of hitting my Nordic Track in my basement) or who goes Country-Western dancing (it's not my thing). We're all different.

Whether you're underweight or overweight, curly- or straight-haired, there exists someone who will love and appreciate you for you. Focus on attracting that person.

Affirm it. Visualize it. Feel it. Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered.

I hope this clears things up.

Terry said...

One more thing, She-Ra.

Check out this link on weight and sex:

she-ra said...

Hi Terry,
Thanks for your time to explain/clear up the posts and also the link! You are amazing for the time you take to read and comment here! Blessing for all you do!