Several years ago, a friend lent me a book about EFT, or Emotional Freedom Technique, a method that has been shown to help people free themselves of emotional and physical pain and addiction.
A few months later, I met Alison Held, a certified EFT practitioner, at a networking event and learned she did EFT and became even more intrigued. Alison and I got together socially, but I never thought to seek her services in helping me through the death of my mother, a situation which had prevented me from sleeping through the night for over a year.
Eventually, I did talk to Alison about helping me with another problem: My fear of public speaking. We got together to address it, but we ended up dealing with my insomnia instead.
After one session, I slept throught the night. (Yeah, I know it sounds too good to be true, but don't knock it until you've tried it.)
I've since used EFT on my own to address other issues, and that's the beauty of it. You can use it on your own. Go to Gary Craig's website and download the free ebook. While you're at it, check out the introductory 7-minute video.
If you scout around a bit, you'll find articles that address issues that range from ADHD, addiction, fear of flying, insomnia, and, oh, yeah, heartbreak (pop "broken heart" into the search engine).
If you'd prefer not to go it alone, contact Alison Held. She's a gentle soul, and she can help you in person or by phone.
I've mentioned EFT before, I know, but it's just too effective not to mention again.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Change Your Personality to Attract Men?
Dear Terry,
In your newsletter, you mention that it is important to imagine the type of man one wants to be with and think about it often.
I was wondering how this relates to your method. I would like to know if there is supposed to be some spiritual connection, if so is it religious, if it's religious what religion is it based on?
A little bit about me, I see myself as a misfit with most guys because I'm self sufficient. Have my own car, and I work at a prestigious organisation, so a lot of people think I'm rich.
Some men want you to be dependent on them for everything it seems. I'm studying for a masters degree. However, I'm quiet and shy, and spend a lot of time at work and studying.
But I do assert myself and have a few close friends. I keep getting loads of advice because a lot of relatives can't wait to see me married.
Some of the advice ranges from don't be too picky (and this is advice from a woman who is in her 40s never married and now feels that her time has passed), pamper men with treats eg. cookies, cakes because men like food (tried it and it didn't work), go partying, change your personality. I'm willing to change, and I'm working on the shyness. But I really want a man who can appreciate me for me and my quiet self.
The way I see it, not all the girls who marry are loud extroverts, I truly believe that there are guys who like girls that don't club 24/7 and want to live a good life and are independent but respectful.
I guess I'm interested in your method because you keep saying 'focus on your idea of a perfect man'. This goes against the 'don't be too picky philosphy' which I hate. I hate it because I don't know what the limits are in 'not being too picky', I've dated a guy who was less educated but absolutely georgeous, and I loved him or had a serious like for him, and he ended up making his ex girl pregnant.
I tried a "good" boy from church who is just as educated as I am, though he didn't have a car at the time (which I think bothered him), but he ended up mistreating me, which left me in shock because I didn't think he could ever do that to me because of his strong position on Christianity. Not to take too much of your time, since I'm sure you have a million emails to read, I really just want my perfect match.
So I don't have to dumb myself down or compromise myself. That's all I want which sometimes feels like I'm asking the impossible. I want to be happy the day after the wedding, knowing that I made the right decisions. I haven't been in a lot of relationships and don't want to be in alot of relationships, so I tend to chase guys as I realise something about them that I don't like. Seems like I've made a huge statement, please let me know any advice you have for me.
Regards,
Patiently Waiting
Dear Patiently Waiting-
Wow. You've asked a lot of questions, and I hope I don't miss any of them.
First off, I do not have a Master's Degree, but at one point in my life some men actually told me I was "too smart." One guy actually told me he really liked me, but he needed a woman he could "mold." (This broke my heart because I really, really liked him.)
However, it had been my experience that people who pretend to be something they're not, who mold themselves to meet somebody else's expectations, are not ever happy in the long run.
It wasn't until I decided that I would be happier by myself than with someone who didn't love me for who I really am that I met the man who was right for me.
If you've been with me for a while, you know that I struggled with shyness (and still do). I'm an avid reader (just finished Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's Good Omens and dived into Mark Twain's The Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc).
I do like to socialize, but I tend to spend a lot of time in my head. I like to learn new things. I have a million opinions that I am compelled to express.
So I definitely appreciate your desire to attract a very specific type of man: A guy who enjoys the fact that you're intelligent, serene, and curious.
As for men wanting women to be utterly dependent on them: Yes, some men do. The wrong men do. Let me tell you, a widower I know has recently started dating again. He is not interested in the women who come bearing casseroles. He is attracted to smart women his own age he can hold a conversation with (the one he likes now is in thegym at 5AM, has her own money, and is not available every weekend because she has a second house she spends time at in another state).
The idea that you're being too picky is wrong. The idea that you should be baking cakes and muffins is wrong. Think of it this way:If a guy constantly showed up at y our house bearing little trinkets,would you appreciate it, or would you think, "What's wrong with this guy?"
It's been my experience that the guys who constantly send flowers, buy expensive jewelry for women they don't know well are not lucky in love, and the same goes for women who give too much to men.
As for the advice to change your personality, I cannot think of worse advice. The message is that you've accomplished a great deal (education, position, possessions) in your life, but it doesn't mean much when you haven't landed some man.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
I truly believe on this planet there exists a man who would be thrilled to be with an accomplished, smart woman like you. A man who will be grateful he doesn't have to do all the thinking all the time, that he truly has a partner he loves, who loves him, and who "has his back."
The question is: Do you truly want a partner who treats you as an equal? Would you consider him less of a man if he weren't somewhat turned off by your accomplishments?
(I'm just asking. I'm not suggesting it's true of you.)
I surely do not recommend you date a man who mistreats you in any way. You may have been shocked to have been treated badly by the Christian, but Christians come in different stripes. There are the "Treat others as you would have them treat you" Christians and there are the "Wives, submit to your husbands in all things" Christians. And there are the "We hate everyone who isn't like us" Christians.
I happen to be a Christian and choose to hang around with the "Treat others..." crowd.
If you're going to meet a man at church, choose wisely. Remember that some men are attracted to church because they think it's an ideal place to meet a deferential woman who won't expect much. Remember also that when you go to church, people are on their best behavior.
As for my method, it's not based on any religion, although Norman Vincent Peale wrote of the Law of Attraction from a Christian perspective in "The Power of Positive Thinking."
By all means, know the qualities you want in a man. "Feel" yourself in that relationship. Know your own good qualities. Treat yourself as the most wonderful man in the world would treat you: Where would you go together? What would you do? How would his hand feel in yours?
This is the method that worked for me. Critics (who haven't tried it) snipe that the Law of Attraction is wishful thinking. It is not.
It requires discipline to bring that "relationship" to mind before you put your feet on the floor in the morning and before you drop off to sleep at night. It takes effort to fill in the details.
You said, "I tend to chase guys as I realise something about them that I don't like."
Yes, that is a huge statement. I suspect two forces are working in your life right now: Your desire to marry and your desire not to marry.
I strongly recommend you sit yourself down and ask yourself what exactly you fear about marriage. (Your fears are normal, by the way, but they can be overcome.) Is it boredom, childbirth, negotiating a career and motherhood, being pressured to change your name?
If so, decide what you want out of YOUR marriage. Your marriage does not have to be like your parents' marriage, your next door neighbors' marriage,or anybody else's.
Visualize a marriage to a man who has similar values. Open yourself up to the possibility that he exists. In the meantime, limit time with people who make you feel "less" because you're not married (despite your accomplishments), or that imply you must change who you are to make yourself acceptable to men.
As for attracting the perfect man, remember a perfect man does not exist, but the perfect man for you does exist.
In your newsletter, you mention that it is important to imagine the type of man one wants to be with and think about it often.
I was wondering how this relates to your method. I would like to know if there is supposed to be some spiritual connection, if so is it religious, if it's religious what religion is it based on?
A little bit about me, I see myself as a misfit with most guys because I'm self sufficient. Have my own car, and I work at a prestigious organisation, so a lot of people think I'm rich.
Some men want you to be dependent on them for everything it seems. I'm studying for a masters degree. However, I'm quiet and shy, and spend a lot of time at work and studying.
But I do assert myself and have a few close friends. I keep getting loads of advice because a lot of relatives can't wait to see me married.
Some of the advice ranges from don't be too picky (and this is advice from a woman who is in her 40s never married and now feels that her time has passed), pamper men with treats eg. cookies, cakes because men like food (tried it and it didn't work), go partying, change your personality. I'm willing to change, and I'm working on the shyness. But I really want a man who can appreciate me for me and my quiet self.
The way I see it, not all the girls who marry are loud extroverts, I truly believe that there are guys who like girls that don't club 24/7 and want to live a good life and are independent but respectful.
I guess I'm interested in your method because you keep saying 'focus on your idea of a perfect man'. This goes against the 'don't be too picky philosphy' which I hate. I hate it because I don't know what the limits are in 'not being too picky', I've dated a guy who was less educated but absolutely georgeous, and I loved him or had a serious like for him, and he ended up making his ex girl pregnant.
I tried a "good" boy from church who is just as educated as I am, though he didn't have a car at the time (which I think bothered him), but he ended up mistreating me, which left me in shock because I didn't think he could ever do that to me because of his strong position on Christianity. Not to take too much of your time, since I'm sure you have a million emails to read, I really just want my perfect match.
So I don't have to dumb myself down or compromise myself. That's all I want which sometimes feels like I'm asking the impossible. I want to be happy the day after the wedding, knowing that I made the right decisions. I haven't been in a lot of relationships and don't want to be in alot of relationships, so I tend to chase guys as I realise something about them that I don't like. Seems like I've made a huge statement, please let me know any advice you have for me.
Regards,
Patiently Waiting
Dear Patiently Waiting-
Wow. You've asked a lot of questions, and I hope I don't miss any of them.
First off, I do not have a Master's Degree, but at one point in my life some men actually told me I was "too smart." One guy actually told me he really liked me, but he needed a woman he could "mold." (This broke my heart because I really, really liked him.)
However, it had been my experience that people who pretend to be something they're not, who mold themselves to meet somebody else's expectations, are not ever happy in the long run.
It wasn't until I decided that I would be happier by myself than with someone who didn't love me for who I really am that I met the man who was right for me.
If you've been with me for a while, you know that I struggled with shyness (and still do). I'm an avid reader (just finished Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett's Good Omens and dived into Mark Twain's The Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc).
I do like to socialize, but I tend to spend a lot of time in my head. I like to learn new things. I have a million opinions that I am compelled to express.
So I definitely appreciate your desire to attract a very specific type of man: A guy who enjoys the fact that you're intelligent, serene, and curious.
As for men wanting women to be utterly dependent on them: Yes, some men do. The wrong men do. Let me tell you, a widower I know has recently started dating again. He is not interested in the women who come bearing casseroles. He is attracted to smart women his own age he can hold a conversation with (the one he likes now is in thegym at 5AM, has her own money, and is not available every weekend because she has a second house she spends time at in another state).
The idea that you're being too picky is wrong. The idea that you should be baking cakes and muffins is wrong. Think of it this way:If a guy constantly showed up at y our house bearing little trinkets,would you appreciate it, or would you think, "What's wrong with this guy?"
It's been my experience that the guys who constantly send flowers, buy expensive jewelry for women they don't know well are not lucky in love, and the same goes for women who give too much to men.
As for the advice to change your personality, I cannot think of worse advice. The message is that you've accomplished a great deal (education, position, possessions) in your life, but it doesn't mean much when you haven't landed some man.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
I truly believe on this planet there exists a man who would be thrilled to be with an accomplished, smart woman like you. A man who will be grateful he doesn't have to do all the thinking all the time, that he truly has a partner he loves, who loves him, and who "has his back."
The question is: Do you truly want a partner who treats you as an equal? Would you consider him less of a man if he weren't somewhat turned off by your accomplishments?
(I'm just asking. I'm not suggesting it's true of you.)
I surely do not recommend you date a man who mistreats you in any way. You may have been shocked to have been treated badly by the Christian, but Christians come in different stripes. There are the "Treat others as you would have them treat you" Christians and there are the "Wives, submit to your husbands in all things" Christians. And there are the "We hate everyone who isn't like us" Christians.
I happen to be a Christian and choose to hang around with the "Treat others..." crowd.
If you're going to meet a man at church, choose wisely. Remember that some men are attracted to church because they think it's an ideal place to meet a deferential woman who won't expect much. Remember also that when you go to church, people are on their best behavior.
As for my method, it's not based on any religion, although Norman Vincent Peale wrote of the Law of Attraction from a Christian perspective in "The Power of Positive Thinking."
By all means, know the qualities you want in a man. "Feel" yourself in that relationship. Know your own good qualities. Treat yourself as the most wonderful man in the world would treat you: Where would you go together? What would you do? How would his hand feel in yours?
This is the method that worked for me. Critics (who haven't tried it) snipe that the Law of Attraction is wishful thinking. It is not.
It requires discipline to bring that "relationship" to mind before you put your feet on the floor in the morning and before you drop off to sleep at night. It takes effort to fill in the details.
You said, "I tend to chase guys as I realise something about them that I don't like."
Yes, that is a huge statement. I suspect two forces are working in your life right now: Your desire to marry and your desire not to marry.
I strongly recommend you sit yourself down and ask yourself what exactly you fear about marriage. (Your fears are normal, by the way, but they can be overcome.) Is it boredom, childbirth, negotiating a career and motherhood, being pressured to change your name?
If so, decide what you want out of YOUR marriage. Your marriage does not have to be like your parents' marriage, your next door neighbors' marriage,or anybody else's.
Visualize a marriage to a man who has similar values. Open yourself up to the possibility that he exists. In the meantime, limit time with people who make you feel "less" because you're not married (despite your accomplishments), or that imply you must change who you are to make yourself acceptable to men.
As for attracting the perfect man, remember a perfect man does not exist, but the perfect man for you does exist.
Friday, May 09, 2008
Today to Fix Up Three Viewers
It should be interesting, especially with Kathie Lee Gifford on hand to offer commentary.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Her Boyfriend Committed Suicide
Dear Terry-
Firstly I would like to say that I love your newsletters.
My problem started 3 years ago when my boyfriend committed suicide. I was devastated because I loved him with all of my heart. We had been together for 4 years. I believe that he was my soulmate.
I started dating younger guys a year later, even though I fell in love with 2 of them, it was never like my boyfriend who died.
I have 2 problems: The first one is that I can't seem to love any other guy the way I loved my boyfriend. I keep comparing every guy I meet to him, and I need you to help me please, help me stop this bad habit. And another one is that I keep attracting younger men, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm looking for a guy that is more my age. How can I attract guys who are more my age? Must I act in a different way or should I have a sign on my forehead that states my age? I am really desperate, please please help!
Regards,
Desperately Waiting
Dear Waiting-
Yours is probably the hardest letter I've ever had to answer.
I am so sorry about your boyfriend's suicide, and I can only guess the emotions that overwhelmed you after you heard the news. A friend of mine had a brother who killed himself, and her emotions went from falling-down grief to anger to self-blame ("I should have known!"). And then the circle of emotions would start over again.
And your loss is even more profound because you lost the man you loved, your soulmate.
You don't say whether you've gotten professional help to get you through the shock and pain of this event. Please do not discount the peace, comfort, and relief you can achieve by talking to a grief counselor or by joining a bereavement group. You have endured one of the worst blows life has to deal, and I can't imagine you'll be able to move on until you work your way through it.
(An acquaintance of mine lost her sister to suicide, and she runs a bereavement group at her church. Although she will always love and miss her sister, she's been able to move on with her life -- happy marriage and a child-- and now runs the group to help others in her situation).
I did a bit of web surfing and came up with a website for Survivors of Suicide. To view it, click here. I truly hope it helps.
As for your tendency to attract younger men, I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that they sense you're not really available for a serious relationship. Emotionally, you're still with your boyfriend (which sounds pretty normal and natural to me).
I believe you will attract more suitable men once you've come to terms with the terrible ordeal you've suffered.
Thank you for the very kind words. I sincerely wish you every happiness in the world.
Terry
Firstly I would like to say that I love your newsletters.
My problem started 3 years ago when my boyfriend committed suicide. I was devastated because I loved him with all of my heart. We had been together for 4 years. I believe that he was my soulmate.
I started dating younger guys a year later, even though I fell in love with 2 of them, it was never like my boyfriend who died.
I have 2 problems: The first one is that I can't seem to love any other guy the way I loved my boyfriend. I keep comparing every guy I meet to him, and I need you to help me please, help me stop this bad habit. And another one is that I keep attracting younger men, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm looking for a guy that is more my age. How can I attract guys who are more my age? Must I act in a different way or should I have a sign on my forehead that states my age? I am really desperate, please please help!
Regards,
Desperately Waiting
Dear Waiting-
Yours is probably the hardest letter I've ever had to answer.
I am so sorry about your boyfriend's suicide, and I can only guess the emotions that overwhelmed you after you heard the news. A friend of mine had a brother who killed himself, and her emotions went from falling-down grief to anger to self-blame ("I should have known!"). And then the circle of emotions would start over again.
And your loss is even more profound because you lost the man you loved, your soulmate.
You don't say whether you've gotten professional help to get you through the shock and pain of this event. Please do not discount the peace, comfort, and relief you can achieve by talking to a grief counselor or by joining a bereavement group. You have endured one of the worst blows life has to deal, and I can't imagine you'll be able to move on until you work your way through it.
(An acquaintance of mine lost her sister to suicide, and she runs a bereavement group at her church. Although she will always love and miss her sister, she's been able to move on with her life -- happy marriage and a child-- and now runs the group to help others in her situation).
I did a bit of web surfing and came up with a website for Survivors of Suicide. To view it, click here. I truly hope it helps.
As for your tendency to attract younger men, I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that they sense you're not really available for a serious relationship. Emotionally, you're still with your boyfriend (which sounds pretty normal and natural to me).
I believe you will attract more suitable men once you've come to terms with the terrible ordeal you've suffered.
Thank you for the very kind words. I sincerely wish you every happiness in the world.
Terry
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Meeting Men With Brains
I recently received an email from a woman whose friends and family have told her she's too picky, and that she should worm her way into men's hearts by baking them little treats. In 2008!
She said she tried it, and it didn't work (of course it didn't work; talk about begging a guy to take you for granted).
She describes herself as successful, shy, and introspective. She doesn't want to meet men in clubs. I don't blame her; it's impossible to tell if a guy is worth your time when you can barely hear him over thumping music.
I neglected to recommend that she spend more time in bookstores (I'll write to her again to remedy this). Bookstores are perfect for meeting people because you never look funny going in alone, or even sitting alone in the cafe looking through a book and listening to music. And books make great conversation starters.
Interestingly a cruise planner, with whom I hope to put together a getaway for fun-oriented females, told me today that the manager of a major chain bookstore informed her that his busiest 'adult nights' are Wednesdays and Thursdays.
If I hoped to meet an intelligent guy, I'd make a point of popping into my favorite bookstore on an 'adult night,' finding a couple of books to look through, and sitting down with a big fat latte. And I'd become a regular.
My favorite bookstore happens to be a newly-opened independent, and already it's becoming a hub for fun and interesting people. In addition to books and good coffee, the owner offers a roster of author appearances and a weekly workshop for fiction writers.
She said she tried it, and it didn't work (of course it didn't work; talk about begging a guy to take you for granted).
She describes herself as successful, shy, and introspective. She doesn't want to meet men in clubs. I don't blame her; it's impossible to tell if a guy is worth your time when you can barely hear him over thumping music.
I neglected to recommend that she spend more time in bookstores (I'll write to her again to remedy this). Bookstores are perfect for meeting people because you never look funny going in alone, or even sitting alone in the cafe looking through a book and listening to music. And books make great conversation starters.
Interestingly a cruise planner, with whom I hope to put together a getaway for fun-oriented females, told me today that the manager of a major chain bookstore informed her that his busiest 'adult nights' are Wednesdays and Thursdays.
If I hoped to meet an intelligent guy, I'd make a point of popping into my favorite bookstore on an 'adult night,' finding a couple of books to look through, and sitting down with a big fat latte. And I'd become a regular.
My favorite bookstore happens to be a newly-opened independent, and already it's becoming a hub for fun and interesting people. In addition to books and good coffee, the owner offers a roster of author appearances and a weekly workshop for fiction writers.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Today Wants to Fix You Up
According to Today's website:
Despite the use of the terms "hopeful single" and "hand-picked mate," I guess it could be fun. If you're interested, click here.
"If you or someone you know is single and wants to be matched up, we want to hear from you! Tell us about yourself or your friend or family member, including location, interests, hobbies and ideal qualities for a partner to have. Then, with the help of matchmakers, TODAY will send some lucky singles on a date with a hand-picked mate! Please also attach a photo of the hopeful single to the personal e-mail message that appears and send."
Despite the use of the terms "hopeful single" and "hand-picked mate," I guess it could be fun. If you're interested, click here.
Friday, May 02, 2008
How to Get Over a Bad Breakup
Hi Terry,
I have enjoyed your blog for a long time - and enjoyed your ebook - that is, until it disappeared from my computer when I moved!
But the concepts of visualization and firm planning that I recall you describing helped me become more focused on how the type of person with whom I could forge a wonderful future with- until I found him, but it didn't work out.
I currently face the challenge of having to fall *out* of love with him - with the man who was *perfect for me* -and for whom I was the same. I'm divorced and 49- we've been friends for 20 years, but for the past three, a flame that surprised us both burned steadily between us, deepening our friendship and sense of mutual trust. Until he ended it.
Do your concepts work to fall out of love? Is it even possible? How can I *un*visualize the perfect future with the perfect man for me? And handle the devastating fallout in a healthy way?
-Challenged
Hi, Challenged-
I'm very sorry about the breakup with your boyfriend.
One of the toughest things about getting past a breakup is visualizing the future without the one you love. You may feel like you're staring at a brick wall. You may feel like your life is over.
It isn't! To see over that wall (and get through it):
1. Write a list of all the things you loved to do by yourself or with the old boyfriend (surfing, reading, talking to your plants, dancing, going to the theater, travel).
2. Do them. Regularly. Do not wait for a friend to become available. Do them by yourself, if necessary. (Solo travel, for example, is great for putting things in perspective; I know because I've done it!).
3. Write a list of your ex-boyfriend's bad qualities. Be honest; he had a few. Put them on paper. Bring to mind a particularly boring, unsettling, sad memory about him that has nothing to do with the breakup.
4. Every time his adorable face pops into your head, bring that memory (or one of his unattractive qualities) to mind.
5. Remove all reminders of him from your house, your car, and your wallet. If he drank from a particular coffee mug, for example, throw it out. Get rid of all photos immediately.
6. Slightly (or completely) rearrange the furniture in your house to make a conscious break from the past. Paint a wall.
7. Write a list of your very excellent qualities. Tape it to your bathroom mirror to remind yourself how happy some lucky man is going to be to get you one of these days.
8. Eat nourishing food. Stay away from energy-depleting, depression-inducing fast and processed food (if it has partially hydrogenated oil, MSG, or high fructose corn syrup in it, it is not for you!). Eat cleansing foods like organic fruits and vegetables.
9. Speak to yourself as you would a beloved child. Use the affirmation Louise Hay recommends, "I, ____________, unconditionally love and accept myself." (This works. Say it out loud in the shower and while you're putting on your makeup. Say it at least 25 times a day. After about a week or so, you should feel a shift in your feelings and in the circumstances you attract.)
10. If a song reminds you of your ex, get rid of it. If a smell reminds you of your ex, get away from it.
11. Look at your new life as a blank page. Be open to the possibility that your last relationship wasn't "the one" for you. Be open to the possibility that it was the dress rehearsal for something so much better.
12. Write an affirmation about your new life and, if you can do it without thinking of your ex, your next relationship (hint: use of the qualities you didn't like about the last relationship and use its opposite to write an affirmation for the next one).
13. Read nourishing books. Listen to nourishing CDs. Keep your mind in the present and out of the past.
14. Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered.
Give yourself 30 days to follow this program and then see how you feel. If you fall off the wagon (you find yourself daydreaming about him or driving past his house), get back on again immediately. Remind yourself that setbacks can be overcome, but they do slow you down from finding the peace of mind and happiness you deserve.
Also: If loverboy has an epiphany and decides he doesn't want to end things between you after all, please do not fall back into his arms without careful consideration. The relationship is not to be just on his terms. Don't be overly available.
For instance, if he asks you out for Saturday, make plans to do something alone or with a friend that day. Tell him you can meet him for lunch on Sunday. Limit your time with him to 60 minutes (yes, this will take discipline) and get the heck out of there.
It'll kill you to do it, but you'll be glad you did later.
The rest of the time, continue to use the 14-point plan. Treat yourself with love, respect, and kindness. Limit time with people (friends, family) who want to discuss the old boyfriend or the breakup. Tell them, "I'm moving on, and I prefer not to discuss it."
By the way, I found your order for my book and audio. I've resent you the download.
Thanks for writing. I wish you the very best!
-Terry
I have enjoyed your blog for a long time - and enjoyed your ebook - that is, until it disappeared from my computer when I moved!
But the concepts of visualization and firm planning that I recall you describing helped me become more focused on how the type of person with whom I could forge a wonderful future with- until I found him, but it didn't work out.
I currently face the challenge of having to fall *out* of love with him - with the man who was *perfect for me* -and for whom I was the same. I'm divorced and 49- we've been friends for 20 years, but for the past three, a flame that surprised us both burned steadily between us, deepening our friendship and sense of mutual trust. Until he ended it.
Do your concepts work to fall out of love? Is it even possible? How can I *un*visualize the perfect future with the perfect man for me? And handle the devastating fallout in a healthy way?
-Challenged
Hi, Challenged-
I'm very sorry about the breakup with your boyfriend.
One of the toughest things about getting past a breakup is visualizing the future without the one you love. You may feel like you're staring at a brick wall. You may feel like your life is over.
It isn't! To see over that wall (and get through it):
1. Write a list of all the things you loved to do by yourself or with the old boyfriend (surfing, reading, talking to your plants, dancing, going to the theater, travel).
2. Do them. Regularly. Do not wait for a friend to become available. Do them by yourself, if necessary. (Solo travel, for example, is great for putting things in perspective; I know because I've done it!).
3. Write a list of your ex-boyfriend's bad qualities. Be honest; he had a few. Put them on paper. Bring to mind a particularly boring, unsettling, sad memory about him that has nothing to do with the breakup.
4. Every time his adorable face pops into your head, bring that memory (or one of his unattractive qualities) to mind.
5. Remove all reminders of him from your house, your car, and your wallet. If he drank from a particular coffee mug, for example, throw it out. Get rid of all photos immediately.
6. Slightly (or completely) rearrange the furniture in your house to make a conscious break from the past. Paint a wall.
7. Write a list of your very excellent qualities. Tape it to your bathroom mirror to remind yourself how happy some lucky man is going to be to get you one of these days.
8. Eat nourishing food. Stay away from energy-depleting, depression-inducing fast and processed food (if it has partially hydrogenated oil, MSG, or high fructose corn syrup in it, it is not for you!). Eat cleansing foods like organic fruits and vegetables.
9. Speak to yourself as you would a beloved child. Use the affirmation Louise Hay recommends, "I, ____________, unconditionally love and accept myself." (This works. Say it out loud in the shower and while you're putting on your makeup. Say it at least 25 times a day. After about a week or so, you should feel a shift in your feelings and in the circumstances you attract.)
10. If a song reminds you of your ex, get rid of it. If a smell reminds you of your ex, get away from it.
11. Look at your new life as a blank page. Be open to the possibility that your last relationship wasn't "the one" for you. Be open to the possibility that it was the dress rehearsal for something so much better.
12. Write an affirmation about your new life and, if you can do it without thinking of your ex, your next relationship (hint: use of the qualities you didn't like about the last relationship and use its opposite to write an affirmation for the next one).
13. Read nourishing books. Listen to nourishing CDs. Keep your mind in the present and out of the past.
14. Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered.
Give yourself 30 days to follow this program and then see how you feel. If you fall off the wagon (you find yourself daydreaming about him or driving past his house), get back on again immediately. Remind yourself that setbacks can be overcome, but they do slow you down from finding the peace of mind and happiness you deserve.
Also: If loverboy has an epiphany and decides he doesn't want to end things between you after all, please do not fall back into his arms without careful consideration. The relationship is not to be just on his terms. Don't be overly available.
For instance, if he asks you out for Saturday, make plans to do something alone or with a friend that day. Tell him you can meet him for lunch on Sunday. Limit your time with him to 60 minutes (yes, this will take discipline) and get the heck out of there.
It'll kill you to do it, but you'll be glad you did later.
The rest of the time, continue to use the 14-point plan. Treat yourself with love, respect, and kindness. Limit time with people (friends, family) who want to discuss the old boyfriend or the breakup. Tell them, "I'm moving on, and I prefer not to discuss it."
By the way, I found your order for my book and audio. I've resent you the download.
Thanks for writing. I wish you the very best!
-Terry
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
She's Afraid of Commitment
Hi Terry,
I am commitmentphobic.
Why? Well, when I dated the guys who wanted to get married, they one had low-paying jobs, wanted to spend all day in church (please), wanted to get married within three months, or had mental health issues.
One man I dated had lost his job in NYC. I met him through Eharmony (or Eharmon-not). By the third date he told me he was madly in love with me. I was not in love with him. He started tell me about 9/11. Funny thing is, his story kept changing. He was always the hero of the story. Then he told me about how he would save different branches of the bank he worked for. The branches were always failing, and he would save the day.
I finally broke up with him when he demanded sex, and then said that we committed a sin and would have to get married. Right. Why I dated for a year is beyond me. I guess I kept hoping I would start to have some feeling for him. I guess I want to know what falling in love feels like. Never been there.
After the break up, things start to happen to me. Including my Dachshund being poisoned (he died). I think he was doing this things to get me to call him so he could save the day. HUMMMMM
Also, the man was always sick, had some new disease. He was always going to the doctor or Emergency Room. HUMMMM. I believe he had Munchausen Syndrome.
I am still commitmentphobic.
My question is how to I stop dating the mental cases? The guy I am dating now is kind and fun to be with. Marry him, I do not know.
-Help Me
Dear Help-
Once a man demonstrates psycho tendencies, it's time to say goodbye. The author Somerset Maugham said, "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."
It's the truth.
As soon a guy does something to seriously turn you off (like ask you to marry him after just meeting him, for example), it's time to smile sweetly and thank him for a lovely evening. It's uncanny; when you start saying 'no' to unacceptable people and circumstances, they tend not to show up as often.
You say you don't know why you hung around with the man you suspected of poisoning your dog for as long as you did. This is something you really, really need to think about.
As soon as the 9/11 stories started, I'd have put my guard up. I lived in New York at the time of the attacks, and I notice that most of the people who were really and truly witnesses to the event don't talk about it much. They're not eager to relive the experience.
Also, any person who casts himself as a hero is usually the one who knocked down an old lady while making a break for the stairwell.
About your fear of commitment: Well, at least you have the insight to recognize it. Ask yourself what bothers you about long-term relationships? What are you afraid of?
If you're happy being single, great. Two of the happiest women I know (and the most fun to be around) are in their 70s and have never been married. Men proposed, but the arrangement didn't interest them.
But if you're single, and you want to be married, and some unearthed reservation holds you back from giving your heart to a worthwhile recipient, you have to start digging.
Ask yourself, "How would my life be different if I woke up next to the same person every day? If I shared dinner with him every night?"
Figure out what attracts you to that situation. More important, figure out what repels you from that situation. Whatever it is (boredom, always being stuck cleaning the toilet), think about how you can turn that around.
Can you be open to the possibility of marrying a man who makes you laugh and considers it his responsiblity to clean the toilet once in a while?
Terry
I am commitmentphobic.
Why? Well, when I dated the guys who wanted to get married, they one had low-paying jobs, wanted to spend all day in church (please), wanted to get married within three months, or had mental health issues.
One man I dated had lost his job in NYC. I met him through Eharmony (or Eharmon-not). By the third date he told me he was madly in love with me. I was not in love with him. He started tell me about 9/11. Funny thing is, his story kept changing. He was always the hero of the story. Then he told me about how he would save different branches of the bank he worked for. The branches were always failing, and he would save the day.
I finally broke up with him when he demanded sex, and then said that we committed a sin and would have to get married. Right. Why I dated for a year is beyond me. I guess I kept hoping I would start to have some feeling for him. I guess I want to know what falling in love feels like. Never been there.
After the break up, things start to happen to me. Including my Dachshund being poisoned (he died). I think he was doing this things to get me to call him so he could save the day. HUMMMMM
Also, the man was always sick, had some new disease. He was always going to the doctor or Emergency Room. HUMMMM. I believe he had Munchausen Syndrome.
I am still commitmentphobic.
My question is how to I stop dating the mental cases? The guy I am dating now is kind and fun to be with. Marry him, I do not know.
-Help Me
Dear Help-
Once a man demonstrates psycho tendencies, it's time to say goodbye. The author Somerset Maugham said, "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."
It's the truth.
As soon a guy does something to seriously turn you off (like ask you to marry him after just meeting him, for example), it's time to smile sweetly and thank him for a lovely evening. It's uncanny; when you start saying 'no' to unacceptable people and circumstances, they tend not to show up as often.
You say you don't know why you hung around with the man you suspected of poisoning your dog for as long as you did. This is something you really, really need to think about.
As soon as the 9/11 stories started, I'd have put my guard up. I lived in New York at the time of the attacks, and I notice that most of the people who were really and truly witnesses to the event don't talk about it much. They're not eager to relive the experience.
Also, any person who casts himself as a hero is usually the one who knocked down an old lady while making a break for the stairwell.
About your fear of commitment: Well, at least you have the insight to recognize it. Ask yourself what bothers you about long-term relationships? What are you afraid of?
If you're happy being single, great. Two of the happiest women I know (and the most fun to be around) are in their 70s and have never been married. Men proposed, but the arrangement didn't interest them.
But if you're single, and you want to be married, and some unearthed reservation holds you back from giving your heart to a worthwhile recipient, you have to start digging.
Ask yourself, "How would my life be different if I woke up next to the same person every day? If I shared dinner with him every night?"
Figure out what attracts you to that situation. More important, figure out what repels you from that situation. Whatever it is (boredom, always being stuck cleaning the toilet), think about how you can turn that around.
Can you be open to the possibility of marrying a man who makes you laugh and considers it his responsiblity to clean the toilet once in a while?
Terry
Monday, April 28, 2008
How to Juice Up Your Dating Profile
This was pretty amusing, although I could have done without the "fudging it" bit.
When It Comes to Meeting Men, Your Best Bet Is a Woman
Has this ever happened to you?
You're minding your own business when some knucklehead tips you off that you're not quite as good-looking as your sister or friend.
This happened to me a few weeks ago. At a party for my daughter, a guest informed me that my youngest sister was better looking than me. This is nothing new; people used to stop my mother on the street when we were small and coo over my sister while I stood there like an organ grinder's monkey.
(What does this have to do with meeting a great guy? I'm getting to
it....)
I am the mother of two girls now, and it boggles my mind how people
judge little females by their looks, as if we're participating in a never-ending Miss America contest.
It's so old.
Still, it manages to divide women, to make us suspicious of each other, and to compete over nonsense (like jewelry, for instance). Ultimately, it isolates us.
A few weeks ago, I came across this gem in magazine for teenage girls:
So, a lot of us girls grow up disliking other girls. We view them as threats, or hang around with them only until a man appears on the horizon.
And it's a shame.
One of the very best ways to meet decent, fun, good men is through our friends, especially friends who happen to be girls. No, not 'girlfriends' we merely put up with until we snag some guy, but real friends who love us, support us, and want what's best for us.
Real friends come in handy when you're falling for a guy who may hurt
you. They'll wake you up.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that a fool who says your sister is "hotter" than you isn't someone you should waste time with (although a friend's sister actually dated some loser who told her, "If I could put your sister's head on your body, you'd be perfect!").
I happened to be out with friends when I met my husband. Years later, these friends and still talk on the phone all the time.
Just yesterday, I took four trains (I hate driving) deep into a bordering state for one of those friend's twins' Communion party. (Where was Peter? He stayed home to wait for our older daughter to get home from a school trip -- and steam-cleaned the kitchen and bathroom floors while he waited. Now, that's my kind of man!)
One of the best pieces of advice about guys came from one my friends who happened to be a girl. She told me this when I was seriously kidding myself with a Mr. Not-Very-Likely:
Thank God for friends who happen to be girls.
You're minding your own business when some knucklehead tips you off that you're not quite as good-looking as your sister or friend.
This happened to me a few weeks ago. At a party for my daughter, a guest informed me that my youngest sister was better looking than me. This is nothing new; people used to stop my mother on the street when we were small and coo over my sister while I stood there like an organ grinder's monkey.
(What does this have to do with meeting a great guy? I'm getting to
it....)
I am the mother of two girls now, and it boggles my mind how people
judge little females by their looks, as if we're participating in a never-ending Miss America contest.
It's so old.
Still, it manages to divide women, to make us suspicious of each other, and to compete over nonsense (like jewelry, for instance). Ultimately, it isolates us.
A few weeks ago, I came across this gem in magazine for teenage girls:
"Subtly stand out in a sea of cousins--and send the message
that you're the cutest--with a swipe of a bright pink lipstick that's perfect for your skin tone."
So, a lot of us girls grow up disliking other girls. We view them as threats, or hang around with them only until a man appears on the horizon.
And it's a shame.
One of the very best ways to meet decent, fun, good men is through our friends, especially friends who happen to be girls. No, not 'girlfriends' we merely put up with until we snag some guy, but real friends who love us, support us, and want what's best for us.
Real friends come in handy when you're falling for a guy who may hurt
you. They'll wake you up.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that a fool who says your sister is "hotter" than you isn't someone you should waste time with (although a friend's sister actually dated some loser who told her, "If I could put your sister's head on your body, you'd be perfect!").
I happened to be out with friends when I met my husband. Years later, these friends and still talk on the phone all the time.
Just yesterday, I took four trains (I hate driving) deep into a bordering state for one of those friend's twins' Communion party. (Where was Peter? He stayed home to wait for our older daughter to get home from a school trip -- and steam-cleaned the kitchen and bathroom floors while he waited. Now, that's my kind of man!)
One of the best pieces of advice about guys came from one my friends who happened to be a girl. She told me this when I was seriously kidding myself with a Mr. Not-Very-Likely:
"Terry, you have to picture yourself married to this guy 10 years from now. Ask yourself, is he really going to make you happy?"The answer was no, and I broke up with him.
Thank God for friends who happen to be girls.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
How to Detect a Lie
This video by comedians Taige Jensen and Ryan Hunter cracked me up, although the statistic at the end made me a little sad. It doesn't mean you have to put up with it, though.
As for me, I'd stay home and read a book rather than hang out with a liar any day of the week.
As for me, I'd stay home and read a book rather than hang out with a liar any day of the week.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
The Law of Attraction in Love and Weight Loss
Good Vibe Coach Jeannette Maw sent a link to the video in which The Biggest Loser winner Ali Vincent explains how she used visualization, acting 'as if,' and other Law of Attraction methods to lose 112 pounds.
What does this have to do with dating, you ask? Well, I used these very same methods to attract the house I live in, my children, and--oh, yeah--the man I married.
Check out the video by clicking here.
What does this have to do with dating, you ask? Well, I used these very same methods to attract the house I live in, my children, and--oh, yeah--the man I married.
Check out the video by clicking here.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The Dating Chameleon: She Becomes Whatever He Wants
Hi Terry,
I have friend who becomes whatever her boyfriend wants her to be. Her last one hated anything Science Fiction, so she hated anything Science Fiction. He collected guns, so she went from supporting gun control laws to saying, "God and Guns made us Free." He wanted her skinny, so she starved herself. He wanted a redhead, so she dyed her hair.
To my friend, her boyfriend's word was the law, she believe everything he said. But, she never meet his coworkers, his family called her a gold digger, and she has and is still dating him after 13 years. She keeps telling me he is the one, the one God sent to her.
Why do women do this? I have talked to men, and overall they do not like it. Did we learn this from our mothers, our female teachers, our pastors (who preached submission) what is the reason, and why?
I have a degree in Human Behavior, so things like this interest me.
-Gotta Know
Dear Gotta-
This kind of thing has always interested me, too. I'm no psychologist (or human behaviorist), but your friend's problem is low self-esteem. In other words, a man's never going to love her for who she really is, so she must mold herself to fit his expectations.
It sounds exhausting.
And you're right. Healthy, normal, well-adjusted men are pretty freaked out when a woman comes along and transforms herself into what she thinks he wants. The control freaks, the losers, and the abusers just love it, though. It makes them feel powerful.
Back to the question of low self-esteem: A lot of it does develop in childhood. I took some pretty wild abuse from nuns that took some conscious effort to get over, for example. But I did get over it. It can be done.
Your question about pastors is a good one. Church is great, but I don't know that it's the best place to meet men. Certain churches are a magnet for guys with a "Wives submit to your husbands in all things..." mentality that Christ did not preach but St. Paul did. (I would argue that St. Paul was a man preaching to certain people in certain times, and he was not Christ.)
And then the media program little girls from the time they can figure out the remote to believe they need a man and should cater to him mentally, emotionally, and physically. My husband often asks, "Why are women so eager to hate themselves?" I tell him, "Turn on the television."
I do hope your friend will think twice about blaming God for sending this guy her way, especially since, after 13 years, his family calls her a gold digger (nice one, by the way), and he clearly isn't interested in introducing her to other key people in his life.
If she's willing to work on her self-esteem, I recommend a brilliant book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. She might also look into a method called EFT to help her let go of the belief that this sad relationship is the best God has in store for her. She can download a free ebook and check out a short video about the process here.
-Terry
I have friend who becomes whatever her boyfriend wants her to be. Her last one hated anything Science Fiction, so she hated anything Science Fiction. He collected guns, so she went from supporting gun control laws to saying, "God and Guns made us Free." He wanted her skinny, so she starved herself. He wanted a redhead, so she dyed her hair.
To my friend, her boyfriend's word was the law, she believe everything he said. But, she never meet his coworkers, his family called her a gold digger, and she has and is still dating him after 13 years. She keeps telling me he is the one, the one God sent to her.
Why do women do this? I have talked to men, and overall they do not like it. Did we learn this from our mothers, our female teachers, our pastors (who preached submission) what is the reason, and why?
I have a degree in Human Behavior, so things like this interest me.
-Gotta Know
Dear Gotta-
This kind of thing has always interested me, too. I'm no psychologist (or human behaviorist), but your friend's problem is low self-esteem. In other words, a man's never going to love her for who she really is, so she must mold herself to fit his expectations.
It sounds exhausting.
And you're right. Healthy, normal, well-adjusted men are pretty freaked out when a woman comes along and transforms herself into what she thinks he wants. The control freaks, the losers, and the abusers just love it, though. It makes them feel powerful.
Back to the question of low self-esteem: A lot of it does develop in childhood. I took some pretty wild abuse from nuns that took some conscious effort to get over, for example. But I did get over it. It can be done.
Your question about pastors is a good one. Church is great, but I don't know that it's the best place to meet men. Certain churches are a magnet for guys with a "Wives submit to your husbands in all things..." mentality that Christ did not preach but St. Paul did. (I would argue that St. Paul was a man preaching to certain people in certain times, and he was not Christ.)
And then the media program little girls from the time they can figure out the remote to believe they need a man and should cater to him mentally, emotionally, and physically. My husband often asks, "Why are women so eager to hate themselves?" I tell him, "Turn on the television."
I do hope your friend will think twice about blaming God for sending this guy her way, especially since, after 13 years, his family calls her a gold digger (nice one, by the way), and he clearly isn't interested in introducing her to other key people in his life.
If she's willing to work on her self-esteem, I recommend a brilliant book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. She might also look into a method called EFT to help her let go of the belief that this sad relationship is the best God has in store for her. She can download a free ebook and check out a short video about the process here.
-Terry
Monday, April 21, 2008
Bret Michaels, Peter Pan Man
Between events of the Pope's visit (I flipped it on for a millisecond, and a miracle occurred: The old guy hooked me), I tuned into the Rock of Love 2 reunion yesterday afternoon.
I don't know how much of it was staged, but it really doesn't matter. The way Bret behaves, the way some of these women behave (hello, Heather) never fails to astonish me.
I particularly enjoyed the way Wildebeast Heather reinforced the double standard by calling Daisy a whore for having sex with Bret. As for Bret having sex with Daisy? Hey, that's cool. He's a guy.
Daisy may be a highly gifted actress, but I did feel sorry for her when she said she'd become vulnerable after falling for Bret. I actually had to admire the girl when she called him on banging her yet again after he knew damn well he'd choose her rival, Ambre, to be his so-called rock star girlfriend (Bret's not really a rock star. He's a circus act).
Bret's response? Something along the lines of, "I'm a man. I couldn't help myself."
You may be a man, Dude, but you're not a nice man. Do you even have a soul?
And have you looked in the mirror lately? You look like a freaking moron in your poseur clothes and cheesy headgear. You look like you're posing, always, whether you're playing your guitar or riding a motorcycle.
You're not the real deal.
You're 45 now and still living a rock star pipe dream, but you're not Robert Plant. You're not David Bowie. You're not even David Crosby. And you sure as hell aren't Adam Levine.
You are no longer relevant.
When you're on your deathbed, will you regret not having banged just one more woman? What exactly is your purpose in life, anyway? You are the epitome of the saggy, orange-faced Peter Pan Man that no woman in her right mind should sleep with, let alone date.
Don't feel too bad. You may be woefully repellent, Bret Michaels, but you do possess a unique power:
You made an 81-year-old Pope look sexy.
I don't know how much of it was staged, but it really doesn't matter. The way Bret behaves, the way some of these women behave (hello, Heather) never fails to astonish me.
I particularly enjoyed the way Wildebeast Heather reinforced the double standard by calling Daisy a whore for having sex with Bret. As for Bret having sex with Daisy? Hey, that's cool. He's a guy.
Daisy may be a highly gifted actress, but I did feel sorry for her when she said she'd become vulnerable after falling for Bret. I actually had to admire the girl when she called him on banging her yet again after he knew damn well he'd choose her rival, Ambre, to be his so-called rock star girlfriend (Bret's not really a rock star. He's a circus act).
Bret's response? Something along the lines of, "I'm a man. I couldn't help myself."
You may be a man, Dude, but you're not a nice man. Do you even have a soul?
And have you looked in the mirror lately? You look like a freaking moron in your poseur clothes and cheesy headgear. You look like you're posing, always, whether you're playing your guitar or riding a motorcycle.
You're not the real deal.
You're 45 now and still living a rock star pipe dream, but you're not Robert Plant. You're not David Bowie. You're not even David Crosby. And you sure as hell aren't Adam Levine.
You are no longer relevant.
When you're on your deathbed, will you regret not having banged just one more woman? What exactly is your purpose in life, anyway? You are the epitome of the saggy, orange-faced Peter Pan Man that no woman in her right mind should sleep with, let alone date.
Don't feel too bad. You may be woefully repellent, Bret Michaels, but you do possess a unique power:
You made an 81-year-old Pope look sexy.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Has Your TV Programmed You to Be Disappointed in Love?
I wrote this article a while ago. The previous question prompted me to post it here:
Are you a fan of the fun new American TV show, My Boys, which chronicles the life and dating adventures of an attractive 20-something woman?
Do you still watch Sex and the City?
A lot of women do. A factor these shows have in common, like most fiction, is that the protagonists are rarely satisfied in their quests for love.
For instance, on an episode of My Boys last season, the main character, PJ, met up with her old flame, which sparked warm memories. She discovered she was still wildly attracted to him. He seemed to return her interest.
She got her hopes up.
He asked her out for dinner, leading her to believe they'd get together again. But, over drinks, he lowered the boom: He'd just gotten engaged--to someone else.
Like My Boys, Sex and the City is loaded with romantic disappointment. It drives the show. Face it, nobody would be tuning in for all these years if Carrie married Mr. Big in Season One and gave birth to triplets in Season Two.
Who'd care?
Drama--conflict-- makes for great TV. It makes for good books, good movies, good art. Happiness is boring.
The problem? Take in enough of this stuff, and we start believing that happiness is unattainable (or, more important, boring). We automatically assume that love must disappoint us. We subconsciously seek out drama. We go for less than we deserve.
But just because PJ and Carrie (and Charlotte and Samantha and Miranda) can't find love, you can.
You can be happy in love (even if your friends aren't, your parents aren't, your sister isn't). You can be lucky in love. Look to people in your own life who are happily married. Use them as role models.
Boredom is hardly inevitable!
By all means, enjoy television, but keep in mind it's drama. It is not reality. Write your own script when it comes to the romance you desire. What, for example, will make you feel happy and secure in a relationship?
Do you even know? If not, it's time to give it some thought. Make it concrete by writing it down. Start envisioning yourself in the relationship you desire with the kind of man who'll make you happy.
This works.
You may wonder: What's more important? Visualizing your perfect relationship, or getting out and finding it? I'd been getting out for a long time and ending up with all the wrong men until I started visualizing. The right men didn't register on my radar screen until I did.
Please do not discount the power of visualization. It works. And it doesn't cost you a dime. To attract the right man, visualize first. Then get out of the house.
Do the things you love to do (I have a theory that if everybody who claimed to love taking long walks on the beach actually took them, online dating would cease to exist).
There's a man out there who's dreaming of a woman like you. If you want him, you can have him.
Are you a fan of the fun new American TV show, My Boys, which chronicles the life and dating adventures of an attractive 20-something woman?
Do you still watch Sex and the City?
A lot of women do. A factor these shows have in common, like most fiction, is that the protagonists are rarely satisfied in their quests for love.
For instance, on an episode of My Boys last season, the main character, PJ, met up with her old flame, which sparked warm memories. She discovered she was still wildly attracted to him. He seemed to return her interest.
She got her hopes up.
He asked her out for dinner, leading her to believe they'd get together again. But, over drinks, he lowered the boom: He'd just gotten engaged--to someone else.
Like My Boys, Sex and the City is loaded with romantic disappointment. It drives the show. Face it, nobody would be tuning in for all these years if Carrie married Mr. Big in Season One and gave birth to triplets in Season Two.
Who'd care?
Drama--conflict-- makes for great TV. It makes for good books, good movies, good art. Happiness is boring.
The problem? Take in enough of this stuff, and we start believing that happiness is unattainable (or, more important, boring). We automatically assume that love must disappoint us. We subconsciously seek out drama. We go for less than we deserve.
But just because PJ and Carrie (and Charlotte and Samantha and Miranda) can't find love, you can.
You can be happy in love (even if your friends aren't, your parents aren't, your sister isn't). You can be lucky in love. Look to people in your own life who are happily married. Use them as role models.
Boredom is hardly inevitable!
By all means, enjoy television, but keep in mind it's drama. It is not reality. Write your own script when it comes to the romance you desire. What, for example, will make you feel happy and secure in a relationship?
Do you even know? If not, it's time to give it some thought. Make it concrete by writing it down. Start envisioning yourself in the relationship you desire with the kind of man who'll make you happy.
This works.
You may wonder: What's more important? Visualizing your perfect relationship, or getting out and finding it? I'd been getting out for a long time and ending up with all the wrong men until I started visualizing. The right men didn't register on my radar screen until I did.
Please do not discount the power of visualization. It works. And it doesn't cost you a dime. To attract the right man, visualize first. Then get out of the house.
Do the things you love to do (I have a theory that if everybody who claimed to love taking long walks on the beach actually took them, online dating would cease to exist).
There's a man out there who's dreaming of a woman like you. If you want him, you can have him.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Men Scare the Hell Out of Her
Hi Terry,
I have used your techniques, and they have worked. Right now I am dating someone.
However, I have a friend who is the same age (well she is a few months older) as me, but she has never been out on a date. Never!
She has always given excuses as "I am not ready to date." "My parents fought all the time, and I am afraid the same will happen to me." "I know what men want." "I will be raped on my first date." "I am good girl, and men do not want good girls in this day and age."
One time my friend and I went out to a restaurant and bar near where we live. On Friday night this restaurant and bar had quite a few single middle-aged men. Several men spoke to me, bought me Margaritas, and I had a great time. They also tried to have conversation with my friend. She quickly and rudely told them, "I do not drink!" "I am not interested in talking to you." "I am not easy, if you are thinking that way."
I am embarrassed by the whole situation. Not only was she rude, she dressed sloppy and out-of-date. Her excuse: "I dress this way to let men know I am not a loose woman, I am a good girl, and probably the only virgin in the southern half of the state."
I do not know what to do with her. I no longer invite her anywhere. She has not even met the man I am dating. I am afraid she will let him know she is perfect.
No matter what I say, she will stick to her beliefs. I have tried telling her she is wrong, and denying herself a wonderful part of her life.
What can I do to help her get over herself, and her perception of men? She is in her early 50s.
Her fear of meeting men is greatly out of hand. She even turned down attending her company Christmans party for fear one of the single men would ask her to dance, or join her at her dinner table.
Your response is greatly appreciated.
-She's Outta Hand
Dear She's Outta-
What we focus on in life is what we tend to get. So, if your friend believes all men are goons, she'll prove herself right every time. This, despite the fact that for every goon out there, there's also a decent man who just wants to find the right woman to love.
So, if your friend keeps believing what she believes, she'll die happy in the knowledge that her instincts about men were excellent. That's the thing about us humans: We do like to be right.
It's kind of you to want to help this woman, but she can only help herself. I'm no psychologist, but the comments she made about her parents fighting and how she's a good girl (not to mention her pride in remaining a virgin after the age of 50) lead me to think she endured some pretty wild programming in her childhood.
Programming can be overcome with the help of a good therapist, but the question remains: Is your friend willing?
Until she is, continue living your life to the fullest. If she calls and asks why you don't invite her out anymore, it wouldn't be unkind to point out that she embarrassed you and may have hurt the feelings of the men who tried to talk to her that night over margaritas.
If you feel like seeing her again, you may be better off doing it privately, but take care that her bizarre ideas don't color your own relationships with men.
I have used your techniques, and they have worked. Right now I am dating someone.
However, I have a friend who is the same age (well she is a few months older) as me, but she has never been out on a date. Never!
She has always given excuses as "I am not ready to date." "My parents fought all the time, and I am afraid the same will happen to me." "I know what men want." "I will be raped on my first date." "I am good girl, and men do not want good girls in this day and age."
One time my friend and I went out to a restaurant and bar near where we live. On Friday night this restaurant and bar had quite a few single middle-aged men. Several men spoke to me, bought me Margaritas, and I had a great time. They also tried to have conversation with my friend. She quickly and rudely told them, "I do not drink!" "I am not interested in talking to you." "I am not easy, if you are thinking that way."
I am embarrassed by the whole situation. Not only was she rude, she dressed sloppy and out-of-date. Her excuse: "I dress this way to let men know I am not a loose woman, I am a good girl, and probably the only virgin in the southern half of the state."
I do not know what to do with her. I no longer invite her anywhere. She has not even met the man I am dating. I am afraid she will let him know she is perfect.
No matter what I say, she will stick to her beliefs. I have tried telling her she is wrong, and denying herself a wonderful part of her life.
What can I do to help her get over herself, and her perception of men? She is in her early 50s.
Her fear of meeting men is greatly out of hand. She even turned down attending her company Christmans party for fear one of the single men would ask her to dance, or join her at her dinner table.
Your response is greatly appreciated.
-She's Outta Hand
Dear She's Outta-
What we focus on in life is what we tend to get. So, if your friend believes all men are goons, she'll prove herself right every time. This, despite the fact that for every goon out there, there's also a decent man who just wants to find the right woman to love.
So, if your friend keeps believing what she believes, she'll die happy in the knowledge that her instincts about men were excellent. That's the thing about us humans: We do like to be right.
It's kind of you to want to help this woman, but she can only help herself. I'm no psychologist, but the comments she made about her parents fighting and how she's a good girl (not to mention her pride in remaining a virgin after the age of 50) lead me to think she endured some pretty wild programming in her childhood.
Programming can be overcome with the help of a good therapist, but the question remains: Is your friend willing?
Until she is, continue living your life to the fullest. If she calls and asks why you don't invite her out anymore, it wouldn't be unkind to point out that she embarrassed you and may have hurt the feelings of the men who tried to talk to her that night over margaritas.
If you feel like seeing her again, you may be better off doing it privately, but take care that her bizarre ideas don't color your own relationships with men.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
He Doesn't Know What He Wants...
Hi Terry,
I have been seeing this guy since December. He is 31, and I'm 33. The relationship started very well, but a few weeks back, he sent me a text saying he doesn't want to hurt me because I've been faithful, but he hasn't, and he'll prefer if we are just friends. I felt really bad.
He keeps calling, he still wants us to hang out together. It seems to me he doesn't know what he wants. I don't know what to do. Do I ignore his calls or what?
-Baffled
Dear Baffled-
I would definitely ignore his calls. Instead of giving you the courtesy of telling you face-to-face, this 31-year-old man texts you to say he just wants to be friends. Then, he starts calling you again to hang out, which will probably involve activities that go beyond the usual parameters of platonic friendship.
It's true; he may not know what he wants. Chances are, five years from now he won't know, either. Unfortunately for him, you weren't put on the planet to help him figure it out.
You can do better.
Terry
I have been seeing this guy since December. He is 31, and I'm 33. The relationship started very well, but a few weeks back, he sent me a text saying he doesn't want to hurt me because I've been faithful, but he hasn't, and he'll prefer if we are just friends. I felt really bad.
He keeps calling, he still wants us to hang out together. It seems to me he doesn't know what he wants. I don't know what to do. Do I ignore his calls or what?
-Baffled
Dear Baffled-
I would definitely ignore his calls. Instead of giving you the courtesy of telling you face-to-face, this 31-year-old man texts you to say he just wants to be friends. Then, he starts calling you again to hang out, which will probably involve activities that go beyond the usual parameters of platonic friendship.
It's true; he may not know what he wants. Chances are, five years from now he won't know, either. Unfortunately for him, you weren't put on the planet to help him figure it out.
You can do better.
Terry
Monday, April 14, 2008
More About Rock of Love 2 (But Only If You Can Stomach It)
Just came upon some interesting intelligence via Reality Blurred.
Turns out Bret Michaels isn't really in love with Ambre, despite assuring us schmucks in TV Land that he starred in Rock of Love 2 to find true love. Not only that, he doesn't rule out doing a Rock of Love 3, but he'd prefer to do "a show called ‘Bret Michaels Big Rock Road Show,’ which is just rockers gone wild on the road."
Whee.
Bret might need to do something. He could need the cash now that the owner of the "house of lies" he and the LSEs inhabited is suing him for "intentional destruction of property."
Turns out Bret Michaels isn't really in love with Ambre, despite assuring us schmucks in TV Land that he starred in Rock of Love 2 to find true love. Not only that, he doesn't rule out doing a Rock of Love 3, but he'd prefer to do "a show called ‘Bret Michaels Big Rock Road Show,’ which is just rockers gone wild on the road."
Whee.
Bret might need to do something. He could need the cash now that the owner of the "house of lies" he and the LSEs inhabited is suing him for "intentional destruction of property."
At last, Bret Michaels Chooses His 'Rock of Love'
In last night's finale of Rock of Love 2, Bret Michaels, Self-Proclaimed Rock Star, chose between two finalists, a stripper named Daisy and a TV hostess (whatever that means) named Ambre to be the recipient of his "like, lust, and love."
A hopeless slut, Bret decided between the two remaining Ladies of Low Self-Esteem after going for a roll in the hay with each of them. In TV Land, viewers endured uncomfortably tight shots of his tongue swabbing their eager tonsils.
In the end, the TV hostess won Rock of Love 3, giving her the last laugh.
At 37 (eight years younger than Bret Michaels), Ambre had been maligned by her rival as being "80 years old" and "500 hundred years old." Another 22-year-old contestant Bret booted a couple of weeks ago dismissed Ambre as an "old lady."
Which really cracked me up. Obviously, these Mensa candidates didn't look long enough at Bret and his hair extensions (or whatever that phenomenon is dangling from his head) to realize that life in one's 20s is fleeting.
Now that Our Hero has at last chosen his Lady of Like, Lust, and Love, we wonder what's next for them. Are they still a couple, or has Bret already signed to do Rock of Love 3? Will we discover he's inked a deal to design a line of rockin' bandanas for Walmart? Will Ambre's star ascend? Will she go from being TV hostess to perhaps a guest corpse on Law and Order SVU?
Search engines may sieze trying to answer all our questions.
A hopeless slut, Bret decided between the two remaining Ladies of Low Self-Esteem after going for a roll in the hay with each of them. In TV Land, viewers endured uncomfortably tight shots of his tongue swabbing their eager tonsils.
In the end, the TV hostess won Rock of Love 3, giving her the last laugh.
At 37 (eight years younger than Bret Michaels), Ambre had been maligned by her rival as being "80 years old" and "500 hundred years old." Another 22-year-old contestant Bret booted a couple of weeks ago dismissed Ambre as an "old lady."
Which really cracked me up. Obviously, these Mensa candidates didn't look long enough at Bret and his hair extensions (or whatever that phenomenon is dangling from his head) to realize that life in one's 20s is fleeting.
Now that Our Hero has at last chosen his Lady of Like, Lust, and Love, we wonder what's next for them. Are they still a couple, or has Bret already signed to do Rock of Love 3? Will we discover he's inked a deal to design a line of rockin' bandanas for Walmart? Will Ambre's star ascend? Will she go from being TV hostess to perhaps a guest corpse on Law and Order SVU?
Search engines may sieze trying to answer all our questions.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Getting What You Want Again
If you're having trouble getting the 'Getting What You Want' video to load from my post dated April 10, you can see it by going directly to the Today site.
Click here.
Click here.
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