The Right Man to Marry

Dear Terry:

Please help! How do I know the right man to marry?

Which one matters most? Is it love, wealth, education, background, or looks? Can one find at least three of these in one man?

-Want the Right One

Dear Want Right-

The qualities that matter most in a man are the ones you want in a man.

My best advice is to know what you want (and you seem to have that covered) and write it down. Sounds like hooey, but it isn't. (Read how it helped Susan Courtad meet the right man here.) Knowing what type of man you want makes you more apt to recognize him when he floats into your airspace. And, believe it or not, it helps you to attract him.

My next best advice is to bring a man who possesses the qualities you want to life in your imagination (not a particular man; you're inventing him in your imagination). In your mind, feel him, see him, hear him, taste him, smell him. How do you spend your time together? For example, what's a Wednesday like?

You should make a point of bringing this guy to life in your imagination twice a day, preferably before you get out of bed in the morning and just before you drop off to sleep at night. You'll notice that, after a while, additional details will start to fill themselves in.

You asked if it's possible for one man to possess wealth, education, background, and looks. Of course it is.

While you set to work attracting this fellow, I suggest you cultivate in yourself the qualities you value in him. So be loving and kind, make the most of whatever money comes your way, learn something new every day, and look your very best.

In other words, be the type of person you want to marry.

Dating for Two Years, She Doesn't Know if She Should Marry Him

Hi Terry,

I would like to talk to someone about my relationship with my boyfriend of two years.

I need to decide if I should marry him or break up. He had some issues, and he admitted his faults to me last week and promised to listen more to me, speak more from the heart instead of meanly, and a couple more things. I have been intimate with him. I was going to wait, but at 39 I guess I got tired of waiting and thought that he was going to be the one. We are bonded because of the intimacy and the time that has been invested.

However, this man has been stolen from by 6 different people, beaten up when younger, sick with Lyme disease and high mercury poisoning. He and I have different poltical beliefs. He says he just doesn't have the energy to care. I understand he is in survival mode because they almost foreclosed on his house. We also have different religous views, but mine have been changing lately.

Should I break up with him and wait for my ideal mate? He is telling me that he loves me and really wants to marry me and have children. I am not sure what to do. He says he never felt such a great chemistry with any woman before. I need someone who has wisdom and cares about me to hear me listen and give me their thoughts on this. What I should do?

-Not Sure

Dear Not Sure-

Okay, you know I can't make this decision for you, but to help you make it, I will highlight a couple of things that popped out for me from your letter:

- he promises to listen to you more and to stop talking meanly
- promises to listen to you more
- he "doesn't have the energy to care," is in survival mode
- you have different political and religious beliefs
- his financial situation is shaky.

So those are the negatives. These, I'm think, are what you believe are good reasons to stay in this relationship:

- You're over 39
- You had sex with the guy.

Neither of which is a big deal. Just because you had sex with the guy doesn't mean you have to marry him. Sure, I understand this marked a big step for you, but it doesn't mean you have to bond yourself for life to a man you are clearly not sure about. His financial situation may be a concern, as well. If you have the children he wants, will he be able to support them, or will you be lying awake at night wondering how you're going to pay the mortgage?

As for your age, remember this: Only the lucky get older. You may live another 60 years, and wouldn't you be better off single and captain of your own ship than married to a guy who doesn't make you happy?

(Oh, and here's a question: What would make you happy? A man who speaks to you with love and respect? A healthy man who meets life's challenges to the best of his ability? A man who makes you laugh?)

I recommend that you take your time with this man. You don't have to decide whether or not to marry him this afternoon. See if he keeps his promises to listen to you and stop talking meanly (tip: people's behavior generally doesn't improve after they marry; it gets worse). See if he moves beyond survival mode. See what steps he takes to change his financial situation.

After all, this is your life we're talking about.

He Loves a Serially-Abused Woman

Terry,

I have been searching for advice online for men who are in relationships with women who have been in abusive relationships. I have been seeing a wonderful woman. She has always been in relationships where the guy has treated her badly, and the last serious relationship she was in was physically abusive.

She says that she cares about me very much and wants to be with me but is not ready to love again and needs to take things slow. It seems that every time we get closer, she then pulls away. I have been trying to give her all of the space she needs, and I know that the right things to do is show her that I will be here no matter what, and that I understand and respect her need for space. Sometimes I feel like it is hard for me to express my needs to her because I am nervous that she will mistake them as demands or expectations.

She is one of the nicest, most caring persons I have ever met. I want her to be able to trust again, and I know it begins when she is able to trust herself. Do you have any advice that may help make it easier to get through the rough patches?

Sincerely,
A Really Supportive Guy

Dear Supportive Guy:

Let me get this out of the way: I used to have a habit of attracting (and being attracted to) emotionally abusive and -- in one case -- physically abusive relationships. I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, so please take the following for what it is: One woman's opinion.

Now, you sound like the type of man many of my readers would love to meet: Loving, kind, supportive, caring, and so on.

But you're involved with a woman who has a history of being in emotionally and physically abusive relationships. She's established a pattern. Obviously, I don't know this woman, but it's possible she's been attracted to people who hurt her.

Sounds crazy, but it's possible.

Does this mean she can't break the pattern? Of course not. I did it, but I was willing to do it. This means I sat myself down and asked myself what the payoff was in putting up with such garbage, and why I even thought I even deserved it.

I immersed myself in books like Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. I learned to treat myself as a treasure yet to be discovered. The more I worked on valuing myself, the less I found myself attracted to abusive people.

And over time I stopped attracting them.

I became attracted to healthy men and happy relationships, and I attracted them. (I've been in one for many years now.)

Here's the thing, though. You can buy your friend the book (You Can Heal Your Life), but you can't make her read it. You can't make her do anything.

In the end, it will be up to her to break the pattern of attracting abusive men. You can do it for her no more than you could lose weight for her or make her stop gambling or drinking (I'm not suggesting she has these issues, but you know what I mean).

But do point her in the right direction ("You're a really wonderful and worthwhile person," you can tell her. "But I can't make you understand that. You need to make yourself understand that, or nothing's ever going to change for you").

And take care of yourself.

Be open to two possibilities: 1) That one day she'll be ready to love you fully, or 2) that she never will.

Right now, this woman is emotionally unavailable. Continue to be a good and supportive friend, but make sure you're taking time for yourself and for your other interests. Go out with your other friends. Please do not let her become your whole world until she's demonstrated that she's willing to make you hers.

A Tough Proposal to Swallow

I'm really, really not into stunt proposals.

You know, where the guy hires a skywriter to spell out "LOLA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?" while you're minding your own business on the beach?

Or where the guy gets the lead singer in the bar you're hanging out in to give him the mic? And then pulls you onstage, gets on one knee, and whips out a ring?

You're so startled you don't know what the hell to do. You start blubbering (out of shock and horror and embarrassment, which everyone else in the place mistakes for relief and boundless joy). The word "yes" pops out of your mouth, which means you'll legally bind yourself to him because you don't want to embarrass the poor guy by saying, "no," or the smart thing, "I'll think about it."

Besides, you'd ruin a Saturday night for an entire roomful of people, and who wants that on her head, right?

The folks on Today reported on a recent stunt proposal that went wrong. Did the victim--er, woman--in question end up saying "yes?"

Of course she did.

Check out the video.

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He Didn't Call. Now What?

He said he'd call.

He didn't, and right now you're upset. You don't know why he didn't. All you know is, you were looking forward to seeing him again. You liked him. He seemed to like you. Heck, you KNOW he liked you.

So, why didn't he call?

Well, it probably had nothing to do with something you did or said, so stop worrying. If he said he'd call, it was up to him to live up to his word and actually do it. The fact that he didn't says more about him than it does about you.

So what now?

Here's what YOU WON'T do:

-Call him

-Text him

-Email him

-Get a friend to call him

-"Accidentally" bump into him in a club or bar where
you know he's apt to hang out.

Here's what YOU WILL do:

-Tell yourself that a guy who doesn't keep promises might not be
too much of a loss

-Treat yourself really, really well; remind yourself you're a treasure
yet to be discovered.

Here's what YOU MIGHT do:

-Call a good friend and go out for dinner, a movie, coffee, a drink--
something fun. (No crying in your beer.)

-Rent a movie (Broken English is a good romantic drama, Forgetting
Sarah Marshall is hilarious, and The Holiday is good fun, too). Curl up with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn

Tomorrow morning, congratulate yourself for NOT contacting the guy. You haven't appeared insecure, needy, or desperate. Hold your head up.

Now, it's possible (wouldn't be the first time), he'll come to his senses and call you during the week. When he asks you out again, tell him sorry, but you're busy (and just to keep things honest, go out and make yourself busy!).

The worst thing you can do is be easily available to a person who said he'd call and didn't (put yourself in his place: You tell a guy you'll call. You don't. You finally get around to calling, and he drops everything to be with you. Turn on or turn off? You tell me).

Make him work a bit to see you again. Give yourself a few days to decide whether he's even worth it.

Now, if the guy doesn't ever call, once again consider the very real possibility he's done you a very big favor. A guy who doesn't keep his word is probably very poor boyfriend material.

And you can do better. What's more, you deserve better.

Divorced and Met a Seemingly Great Guy: Should She Go for It?

Terry-

I reached a point where I thought there no good men since I kept on meeting one loser after another. I was tired of always initiating calls, dates, etc with men. Since I was put on your mailing list, I have changed. I don’t initiate anything with men. I let them do the chase.

I've been divorced for the past 11 months. My husband then was really abusive. I've met a few men then who have been equally losers. They don’t call when they say they will, they are never romantic, they are emotionally distant and always making me feel like am an option in their lives.

A month ago however, didn’t I meet a nice man? He is divorced also. He makes me feel like am the centre of his world. Am the first person he talks to when he wakes up and the last person he calls before he sleeps. He opens doors for me. My happiness is his interest. So far, he makes me feel appreciated. If he says he will call or come to see me and he doesn’t, he calls to apologize. He is like one of those perfect men from a movie or a novel.

Problem is am 27, he is 37. Can this age difference be a problem? Secondly, do you think because we are both divorced, this can be a problem?

-Need to know

Dear Need to know-

I don't think your age difference is a problem at all. A good friend of mine told me just Tuesday about her 43-year-old brother's happy marriage to a 33-year-old woman. She says they're on the same wavelength, enjoy the same things, and laugh all the time.

So if you enjoy this man's company, have a lot in common, and he treats you well, go for it!

Furthermore, I don't think the fact that both of you are divorced necessarily presents a problem. Obviously, you had a good reason for ending your marriage. We hope he had a good reason for ending his, but as you get to know him, it should come out.

Since you were in an abusive relationship before, I recommend that you really get to know this man. Do take it slowly. A lot of us (raising hand here!) have a problem of attracting the same type of person over and over. And while I'm not saying this is the case here, it's only been a month since you met this guy. It's a good idea to give the relationship time to make sure he doesn't exhibit any of your ex-husband's bad qualities.

You deserve the best. Be alert, take things slowly, and above all, enjoy yourself!

How Many Men Can You Meet in 100 Days?

Manifesting Mr. Right author Ronnie Ann Ryan once again offers her 100-Day Challenge, where she'll show you how to shake up your dating life by meeting 50 new men. (Because of vacation, I'm a little late in announcing the Challenge, but you can still get in).

Ronnie says: "You really can meet 50 men in just 100 days. This program will help you at whatever stage of the dating journey you're in. Sometimes active daters join to get new insights, while others may not have dated in a while. The Fall Challenge was a huge success."

Get the full story here.

For free tips on what not to say when you meet those men, click here.

How She Met a Man Who Makes Her Happy

I'm back from vacation, and what a neat surprise to read Susan Courtad's blog and find a post detailing how she met and started a relationship with her boyfriend of eight months. Lots of inspiration here.

Susan's an attractive, clever, funny single working mother who endured a traumatic divorce, and then some bumps along the dating road.

In addition to her blog, One Woman Show, Susan is shopping around a novel and also writes Dinner for One at the Imperfect Parent.

Sailing Away

DA(A)D will be on hiatus for a little while. The family and I are going to the Caribbean (between just packing and getting the house in order for the sitter, we need a vacation). Hope to have good stuff to tell you when I get back.

In the meantime, I've scheduled a couple of posts for next week to Single Women Rule. Check 'em out and, if you're so inclined, leave a comment.

Love to hear from you!

Chris Brown's Alleged Assault of Rihanna

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Wishing her well. Hope she'll get away and stay away. Once a guy hits, it's time to go.

Too Much Pressure for Valentine's Day?

I'm not wild about Valentine's Day.

I'm not sure why. It's not as if I'm haunted by tragic childhood memories, or anything. Our mother used to buy my siblings and me medium chocolate hearts and set them on our dinner plates. (She set a big one on our father's dinner plate.)

My parents bought each other mushy cards every single year. Sometimes they'd go out and, unbeknownst to the other, buy the same card.

They had a happy marriage all year round, so they hardly needed a commercially-mandated holiday to show their affection. I didn't understand it. Still, you might think I'd develop more respect for the annual day of love and romance.

I just never did.

Maybe it's the TV commercials that imply that if a man doesn't present a woman with just the right token on Valentine's Day, he'll never have sex again. Or the ads that make people who won't be on the receiving end of a gift feel defective (um, I've been there).

Then, there's that dinner thing. I love to go out to eat (and do almost every chance I get), but since I've been in a relationship, I avoid restaurants on Valentine's Day like a sinus infection. Oh, we tried it: wedged into a tiny table in a sea of tiny tables, stuck with an abbreviated menu (magically missing the particular salmon dish I actually wanted to eat), having to endure don't-let-the-door-kick-you-on-the-way-out service.

Nah. We'll eat at home, thanks.

But I have to admit, Peter and I have had decent Valentine's Days, for sure. One of the best on record had us -- pre-children -- making English muffin pizzas before heading to Tower Records with the gift certificates my brother gave us for Christmas. (At the time, we were aggressively saving for our first house.)

We've upgraded from English muffins since then, but by now you've probably figured out that our marriage hardly provides a boost to the diamond industry. Other women feel differently, of course.

I mean, obviously.

And, judging by all the lingerie displays we come across at this time of year, Valentine's Day is also a commercially-mandated day for sex. (This cracks me up.)

But maybe you -- like much of the rest of the population -- really do enjoy Valentine's Day, and you're wondering what the heck to buy that guy of yours. The Today Show reports that lots o' ladies plan to offer frame-worthy photos of themselves in their new lingerie this year.

In Love With a Married Man (Why Won't He Leave His Wife?)

Dear Terry,

I am writing to you out of frustration. I do not know if you would reply my email, but I would like to find a way out of my problem, so I write this email still.

Once, I had a relationship with a married man. However, one day he wanted to break up because he thinks our relationship is wrong and he does not want to make his life complicated. Upon hearing that, I reacted strongly since I love him dearly and I am quite sure he loves me too. I begged, cried, shouted at him. You name it. At first, he still answered my calls and talked to me, though coolly. Nevertheless, one day he asked me not to contact him anymore.

A few months later, his wife sent me a message confronting my relationship with him. I was very shocked because I had never thought he would confess to her. At that time, I was furious at him for not only breaking up with me but also exposing our relationship to his wife. Yet, my fury did not last long. Several days later, I realized that I still love him. This happens all the time I feel angry, even until now.

Becoming another woman is unpopular, so I could not discuss my relationship freely with my friends. There are very few who finally know because I feel I am about to burst keeping this inside my chest for so long. My friends suggest letting him go because he is not worthy and because our relationship is wrong and impossible (our religious belief does not allow divorce). However, deep inside my heart I want him and only him. I love him and only him. That is why I ignore my friends' suggestions and practice affirmation.

I have been practicing affirmation for about 1 year with no clear results. It is difficult to keep on practicing (and I do easily discouraged) when the facts are not favourable towards me (Honestly, I should say that things spiraled down afterwards) and my friends do not support me (I hate when they tell me to move on). I could not picture myself with another but I don't know how to get back with him. I have tried every way possible and acceptable for me, but still no results.

This problem has really clipped my spirit and robbed my peace of mind that it starts affecting my work and my social relations. Do you have any suggestion whatsoever? Thank you so much, at least for reading this far.

-In Love

Dear In Love,

I am so sorry about the unhappiness and frustration you're feeling.

Here is the truth: The man left the relationship, and no effort (mental, emotional, or physical) can bring him back. He is gone to you.

Affirmations work in drawing the right person to you; you specify the qualities you want in a man. You don't specify which particular man you want because that person may not be the right one for you. And a married man just isn't.

Have you ever thought about what it would really be like if he fulfilled your fantasy and left his wife for you? Over time, would his guilt over the situation cause him to resent you? Would your guilt cause you to resent him? Would you worry that because he left one woman for you, he would one day leave you for another woman?

It doesn't matter if he loves you, or if he doesn't. He knows the relationship is wrong, and he can't live with it. He's not going to live with it.

You say you love him and can't picture yourself with anyone else. You are living in a self-imposed prison when you deserve to be free and happy.

Let yourself get used to the fact that this man isn't coming back. Accept it. Let it hurt. And then you can start to feel better. Since you can't picture yourself with anyone else, don't. You're not ready yet.

You need time on your own. Spend time taking very good care of yourself, doing the things you liked doing before this man entered the picture. Treat yourself as you would a beloved child. Before long, the curtain will lift and the sun will filter in, and you'll feel your first glimmer of happiness.

Please take me seriously. You need to take steps to reclaim your life, or you'll wake up five years from now, still stuck but sadder and older.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I wish you the very best.

Terry

Unrequited Love Hurts No Matter How Old -- or Young -- You Happen to Be

Hey, Terry!

Thank you for all your amazing emails! Really, they've helped me a lot! Even though I'm just a teenager, I go through all that bullsh*t guys and men give us, and I hate being used and taken advantage of.

But I have another issue, and its one-sided love. I've loved a guy for almost 8 years, ever since we were little kids, and we grew up together. He acted like he loved me back, and he would always ask me to do everything for him, and I did and he never said thank you or showed any kind of appreciation, and I feel really bad because I know he used me, and all that love I've had for him for such a long time was for nothing. But I moved on, I think....

I mean I stopped doing things for him and even talking to him, and now he's in a relationship with someone. I can't stand it! I just hate seeing them walk together or hold hands. And the thing is I can't love anyone else but him. I don't know why. Maybe its because I'm so used to loving him? Please help me! I'm so depressed.

-Sick of it

Dear Sick of it-

The guy you describe sounds like an opportunist. That doesn't change the fact that you care for him, but I suspect that one of these days you'll realize he was never worthy of your affection in the first place. You'll run into him on the street and think, "What the heck was I thinking?"

In the meantime, you're in pain. The best way to get over it is to let yourself feel it. Then write down a list of the things you didn't like about this guy (come on; you know there were at least two). We tend to attribute all sorts of glowing qualities to the objects of our affection, especially when they're with someone else, but the truth is nobody is perfect. And this guy certainly isn't.

Every time his face wafts into your mind, whip out that list and remind yourself how annoying he could be at times.

And, instead of beating yourself up because he didn't choose you, consider the possibility that he did you a favor. He's somebody else's problem now. Also consider the possibility that time wounds all heels; perhaps someday someone will use him the way he used you. (Hate to sound vindictive, but it really is critical to treat others as you would have them treat you. Apparently, nobody told him.)

You know what they say: What goes around, comes around. Karma's a bitch. And, as my mother used to say, "Life has a way of catching up with people."

Treat yourself kindly. Write down a list of the things you like about yourself. Write a list of the things other people like about you, as well. Read it every time you start to feel down.

Consider the fact that you have a great deal to offer the boy or man who will be lucky enough to catch you.

What Are You Afraid Of?

So many of us want the relationship, but we're afraid of being abandoned, hurt, smothered, or bored. We want the success, but we're afraid of how it'll change us -- and the people around us. We want to drop the weight, but we're afraid of the attention it'll bring or the jealousy it'll inspire.

Get Ready For Love's Viveca-Stone Berry tackles fear in her first newsletter after a long hiatus, during which she became a kind of lay expert on migraine headaches (she's since helped herself and her husband -- also a sufferer-- ease the pain considerably).

This issue includes links to fear-piercing advice from Trust Your Vibes author Sonia Choquette and Rich Dad, Poor Dad's Robert T. Kiyosaki.

Check it out here.

A Dating Site You Might Want to Check Out

At a networking meeting, an attractive, educated entrepreneur I like and respect mentioned she'd had some success on a dating site called PlentyOfFish.com. She reported the site allowed her to be a little more specific about weeding out undesirables than other sites she'd tried.

I checked it out. Turns Plenty of Fish is a free dating site. According to the owner, "Our success rate, matching algorithms and technology is unmatched. At 26 my algorithms and their results were cited in the Nobel Prize of Mathematics (Fields Medal) paper...We are about 5 times larger than any paid site, you will get more messages and interest here than all paid dating sites combined."

All right. It sounds good.

I did a quick search of men looking for long-term relationships and came across a profile for a lovely (and fit and attractive) man in our neighborhood who divorced a couple of years ago. So, I'll attest there's at least one decent guy there. (My friend from the networking meeting would probably say there's at least one more.)

Check it out.

I know you don't need me to tell you this, but I'm going to say it anyway: If you're going to date someone you meet online, please do it in a public place until you're sure the guy isn't wanted in three states.

Is She Being Too Friendly?

Hello Terry,

I get your emails and find them informative. This may help other women experiencing the same thing I am experiencing:

I'm the new (been here 5 years now but nothing has changed no matter what I do...running out of ideas) single woman in the cul-de-sac.

Despite being friendly to everyone:

-bought and carried 200 tulip bulbs from Amsterdam for married neighbour no.1
-beautifully bagged 2 baby outfits with a card and large teddy bear for married neighbour no.2 right after their baby was born--handed it to the wife with congrats--and never saw anything on the child.
-baked welcome cookies and presented them to new married neighbour no.3
-presented cookie platter to married neighbour no.4 for Christmas with a card and thanking her son for removing snow from the front of my house.

You get the idea. It's not reciprocated at all.

Anyway, pretty much I am being friendly, but the women are a nightmare. They seem to think I want their husbands even though, since I have been here, I have had two very fit, handsome, and steady boyfriends.

I am writing this mail because a woman was walking a small dog in the cul-de-sac, whom I had never seen before so I politely asked her which house they belonged to. She pointed it out and I said, "Oh, the Christmas house" (they have nice decorations. I have nice decorations too).

And she asked where I live so I also pointed it out. Her response was: "Oh, you say hello to my husband." So, I replied "I say hello to whoever happens to be outside, and you are the first female I have seen outside this house."

End of conversation. She went inside.

Any thoughts?

-Good Neighbor

Hi, Neighbor-

This is a tough one. It's unfortunate your efforts at being friendly went unappreciated.

In the future, I'd wave and smile at your neighbors, but let it go at that. Since the beautiful gifts you brought went unacknowleged, I'd think twice about extending myself too much the next time a new family moves in. Again, wave and smile, but keep moving. When you come across a husband, definitely wave, smile, and keep moving.

From now on, let your neighbors seek you out. I wouldn't initiate conversations. If one of the women says to you, "You say hello to my husband," make a point of being casual and responding, "Yes, I do. I've always admired the way you decorate your house, and you seem like a very nice couple. Well, I'd better run now," and be off.

This bland response will ensure you don't come off sounding defensive. You'll have complimented her twice -- about her taste and seeming like a nice couple. She probably won't argue with you.

Nobody knows what goes on in these people's houses, so it's possible the women's lack of friendliness has nothing at all to do with you. Spend your time cultivating friendships with people who have better manners.

-Terry

The Secret to Love

While scratching around Netflix for movies to fill out my queue, I came upon a movie I'd heard about once and never again, entitled Broken English by Zoe Cassavetes. The DVD arrived in the mail 10 days ago, and I finally got around to watching it yesterday. I'm glad I did.

Netfix bills it as a romantic comedy, but it's a pretty intense story about an unhappily single woman in New York (played so convincingly by Parker Posey I found myself clutching my stomach), who's under pressure to marry and hasn't a decent prospect in sight. She hates her job. She pretty much hates her life.

She goes on a couple of sorry dates, which are depicted all too realistically (most of us have met jerks like the ones she goes out with). And then, just when she's had it, a co-worker convinces her to attend a party. She walks in, sizes it up as a loser fest, and heads for the door.

On her way out, she tries to avoid an introduction to the person who will change her beliefs about herself and life in general. But she can't avoid him. He will not be avoided.

And then, the story takes her to Paris, where a stranger gives her the secret to love.

This movie hits the mark. I highly recommend it.

Check out the trailer here.

Meeting Men You Can Click With

Hi, Terry-

Let's start with this......YOU'RE AMAZING!! I recently ordered your e-book via Mimi Tanner and cannot say enough good things. Truly inspirational. In it you mention getting out of the house often so as to open yourself up to new and numerous opportunities to meet great men. Other than sports bars, which I'm not really crazy about, where do you recommend going? I have tried the bookstores cafes but have only come across men who are not my type.

Thank you so much for your insightful and motivational stories and tips! Keep them coming!!!

Best,

K.


Hi, K-

Thanks for writing and for the very kind words.

The most important step of all in meeting the right man is listing the qualities you want in him and dwelling on them (but not obessing) via affirmation and visualization. After a little while, you'll find yourself getting little hunches to call a friend or to go to a certain place or do something else. Your subconscious will begin to nudge you in new directions.

A great way to open your social circle (and it's really more important to open your circle than to focus exclusively on meeting new men -- each new person you meet could be a source of additional social opportunities) is to have a party and invite your guests to bring along a friend (not everyone will take you up on the bring-along part, but some probably will). You'll meet new people, and you'll probably find yourself being invited to other parties or gatherings afterwards.

A good friend of mine did this and met his wife at one of his own parties. He loves to cook, took a cooking class (and made a few friends but didn't meet anyone special), and threw a series of parties. His future wife showed up at the third party with a mutual friend.

If you're not comfortable in sports bars, you're probably right to avoid them. You want to meet men you click with. If all the people who say they enjoy "long walks on the beach" actually took them, they'd meet each other, fall in love, and online dating sites would become obsolete.

So definitely do the things that make you happy, even if it means joining a knitting group and sitting around with a bunch of women. Who knows? One of those women may turn out to be the mother or sister or friend of the man who becomes your husband.

Oh, and happy women attract men!

Terry

P.S. As I write this President-Elect Barack H. Obama is approaching his seat at his inauguration, and the crowd is going wild!

Bret Michaels' Love Bus

Although my eyeballs were glued to VH1's Rock of Loves One and Two, I've been watching the third installment, Rock of Love Bus, halfheartedly.

Everything about the show is kind of sad and desperate, starting with its "star," Bret Michaels. He's less attractive every time I see him, and it has nothing to do with his age. The man has the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old.

I'm always more interested in the women who subject themselves to his predictability and ego and sheer boringness on these shows, anyway. I was happy, for example, to see Destiney of ROL2 develop the confidence to start a clothing line on the spin-off, Rock of Love Charm School , which starred Sharon Osbourne, who is infinitely more compelling than Bret Michaels.

I wondered what happened to Daisy, the ROL2 contestant who infuriated Bret when he discovered she shared living quarters with an ex-boyfriend (one of the more annoying things about this self-appointed rock star is that he insists his women be into him and only him, while he is allowed to be into everything and anything that wriggles).

According to VH1, Daisy's on deck to star in her own reality show, Daisy of Love. Could be entertaining.

A Vaccine to Forget Him?

New York Times writer John Tierney announced the other day that it may not be long before a drug is developed to make the object of your affection fall in love with you. Tierney had an even better idea: a vaccine designed to prevent one from falling in love, or from making "an infatuated ass" of him or herself.

Tierney contacted the neuroscientist, Larry Young, who authored the essay about the possibility of the love potion to find out if the anti-love potion was merely his own personal pipe dream. Dr. Young assured him that a love vaccine could indeed be in our futures.

Tierney rejoiced:

"Could any discovery be more welcome? This is what humans have sought ever since Odysseus ordered his crew to tie him to the mast while sailing past the Sirens. Long before scientists identified neuroreceptors, long before Britney Spears’ quickie Vegas wedding or any of Larry King’s seven marriages, it was clear that love was a dangerous disease."

What do you think? Would you slip a drug in a man's drink to make him fall in love with you?

Would you slip a drug in your own drink to prevent you from falling in love with him?

Imagine a scenario where a woman has been wronged and takes a love vaccine to stop hurting, and then drugs her ex to make him fall in love with her and start hurting?

Methinks these pharmeceuticals could be very, very dangerous.