Well, almost ever.
Peter, the girls, and I drove down to Long Island to our friends' block party, where we met up with lots of fun old friends. Then I hopped the LIRR (sans family) to Manhattan to meet my brother and his fiancee to have dinner and see The Cure at Radio City.
The block party was just taking off when I had to leave to catch my train, and I hoped to God The Cure would be worth it. I hate it when you waste hours of your life on a mediocre show. Better to just stick with the Ipod.
But The Cure wailed for three solid hours in which I was transported into another time and another space. Robert Smith may be slightly puffy, but his voice still has the same endearing desperate quality it always did. It was a helluva show. (Take that, Brett Michaels!)
My brother's fiancee, a lovely and accomplished person, said, "Those guys have incredible stamina for old people." I said, "How old do you think they are?" She said, "Robert Smith must be 50!"
Is 50 old?
Turns out Robert Smith is not 50. He's 49, but still? Is 50 old? Is it? I mean, I'm not 50, but if I'm lucky, it's on the horizon.
And, as for ancient Robert Smith and the boys, they performed this 3-hour act after playing Madison Square Garden the night before. My fit 30-something brother, who works out in a gym most mornings and made cracks about some of the audience "getting ready to collect Social Security," had to sit down during the third hour.
"I worked today," he said. "I'm exhausted."
Oh, yeah? So who you calling old?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Real Men Are Not Threatened By Strong Women
So says an ultra-masculine relationship expert by the name of Steve Santagati in this short and compelling CBS segment (preceded by a short commercial). Steve, you're singing my song:
Thursday, June 19, 2008
A 'Meaningful Relationship' After Two Dates?
Dear Terry-
I dated a man twice I met on online dating.
I heard a lot from him in the beginning. Then he tapered off. He would catch me at times and email me that he would catch me when he can.
However, when I confronted him to tell him that in order to have a meaningful relationship we should see each other more often. It was then that he told me that in order for us to have meaningful relationship we would have to live closer, so he decided to call it quits.
He is a widower and was once engaged before and broke it off with the woman. I think even if I lived near him, he would have found another excuse to not continue. It seemed like he only wants a physical relationship now. I want to be in a committed relationship. Did I do the right thing by confronting him?
-I.S.
Dear I.S.-
When a guy's calls taper off, you can definitely assume he's not interested in pursuing a relationship, especially when he tells you he'll "catch" you when he can.
So you did the right thing there.
As far as a "meaningful relationship" goes, what does that mean? It means different things to different people. Decide exactly how you define it (and then take the term out of your vocabulary because it scares people).
Determine what constitutes a happy relationship in your mind. In other words, what qualities would the man have, what things would you be doing together 10 years from now?
You need to know, so that the next time you date somebody, you have an internal guide to help you decide whether he's a) the person you'd want such a relationship with, and b) if he's capable of being the one to enjoy it with you.
You won't have to tell him what he needs to do to make your relationship "meaningful." If he's the right guy, he'll be calling you, showing up when he says he will, letting you know he loves you, and making your happiness a priority (as you should make his).
That's not to say that you should ever expect anyone to read your mind. If you have something to say, say it.
But ask yourself how you would feel if a man--after two dates-- said, "You know, Darling, if we're going to have a meaningful relationship, we need to see each other more often."
Would you even know him well enough after two dates to want a long-term relationship with him? For all you know, he could be one of those creeps who got busted on To Catch a Predator.
The next time you meet a Mr. Maybe, take your time getting to know him. If he doesn't call you after a couple of dates, assume he's not the one for you and keep going.
Know what you want from a relationship. Not every man you meet will have the same goals as you, but the right one will. He's out there. Keep moving until you find him.
I dated a man twice I met on online dating.
I heard a lot from him in the beginning. Then he tapered off. He would catch me at times and email me that he would catch me when he can.
However, when I confronted him to tell him that in order to have a meaningful relationship we should see each other more often. It was then that he told me that in order for us to have meaningful relationship we would have to live closer, so he decided to call it quits.
He is a widower and was once engaged before and broke it off with the woman. I think even if I lived near him, he would have found another excuse to not continue. It seemed like he only wants a physical relationship now. I want to be in a committed relationship. Did I do the right thing by confronting him?
-I.S.
Dear I.S.-
When a guy's calls taper off, you can definitely assume he's not interested in pursuing a relationship, especially when he tells you he'll "catch" you when he can.
So you did the right thing there.
As far as a "meaningful relationship" goes, what does that mean? It means different things to different people. Decide exactly how you define it (and then take the term out of your vocabulary because it scares people).
Determine what constitutes a happy relationship in your mind. In other words, what qualities would the man have, what things would you be doing together 10 years from now?
You need to know, so that the next time you date somebody, you have an internal guide to help you decide whether he's a) the person you'd want such a relationship with, and b) if he's capable of being the one to enjoy it with you.
You won't have to tell him what he needs to do to make your relationship "meaningful." If he's the right guy, he'll be calling you, showing up when he says he will, letting you know he loves you, and making your happiness a priority (as you should make his).
That's not to say that you should ever expect anyone to read your mind. If you have something to say, say it.
But ask yourself how you would feel if a man--after two dates-- said, "You know, Darling, if we're going to have a meaningful relationship, we need to see each other more often."
Would you even know him well enough after two dates to want a long-term relationship with him? For all you know, he could be one of those creeps who got busted on To Catch a Predator.
The next time you meet a Mr. Maybe, take your time getting to know him. If he doesn't call you after a couple of dates, assume he's not the one for you and keep going.
Know what you want from a relationship. Not every man you meet will have the same goals as you, but the right one will. He's out there. Keep moving until you find him.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
You Can't Build a Relationship on a Brazilian
Terry-
I want your opinion on this!
I have read in some dating magazines and books that in order to keep that man - take some Advil and go get waxed you know where. Now I have tried the shaving thing, and it's just darn uncomfortable when it grows back in - not to mention hair down there has a purpose. What do you say to the guy who rejects you because you don't spread to have some woman rip away at your nether regions?
Now mind you - I don't care for a hairy back and if given the choice I would prefer not to have an armadillo. I would NOT reject a good man for this. Is it the same fat vs. thin argument? Men are visual, who can blame them and if they take care of themselves why shouldn't you?
For all purposes - I am well groomed, I do shave my legs and pits and don't have loose strands peeking out of my bathing suit. What's the etiquette on Brazilian or not? Plus it's not cheap.
-J.
Canada - home of the beaver!
Dear J.-
Excuse me while I retrieve my head from the ceiling.
First I'll address your question: What do you say to a man who rejects you because you are not inclined to subject yourself to the overrated ritual euphemistically known as a Brazilian?
You tell him, "Try watching a little less porn, Jackass."
The notion that it is somehow your duty to submit yourself to this masochism to please a man is beyond me. I've never--let me repeat--never met a healthy man who rejected a woman based on the appearance of her lady parts (as Tina Fey likes to call them).
The next time you read a so-called women's magazine, ask yourself, "Do I feel better about myself after reading this thing? Or worse?"
If you feel worse, the magazine has done its job, which is to make you feel insecure enough to buy its advertisers' products in an attempt to feel better about yourself. Remember, the function of some advertising is not to suggest a solution to a problem, but to create a problem that the product can solve for you:
Want a man to love you? Today's man can only love you if you appear to have reached the sexual maturity of a First Grader.
Other arguments for the Brazilian include:
-All the hot female celebrities get Brazilians; it's no big deal. Why not you?
-A Brazilian is exotic. You will feel so much sexier!
Listen, if you're really and truly intrigued by the idea of a Brazilian, if it makes sense to you, go for it. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reason, which would be for yourself, not to please or attract some guy.
Let me repeat: I've never met a healthy man (you know, one without a porn addiction or serious control issues) who cared that much about the appearance of his girlfriend's parts. He's just happy she has them.
As for the "men are visual" argument, think about that one for a minute, will you? The Brazilian wax is a relatively new phenomenon. Men and women have been getting along since the dawn of time without it.
Did your mother worry about getting Brazilians to keep a man's interest? Did your grandmother? My guess is that your female ancestors did just fine without paying a stranger to tear sheets of hair from the tenderest spots of their anatomies.
The visual argument is genius. It also excuses tons of bad behavior: Your boyfriend ogles other women? He's not a jackass. He's visual.
The visual argument moves lots of product, let me tell you.
Relationships are based on sexual attraction, sure, but sexual attraction usually develops before you and a man have seen each other naked. Lasting relationships are based on more than sexual attraction. They're based on love, respect, humor, and the desire for the other partner's happiness.
Save your money and your skin. A Brazilian is not necessary to keep a (healthy) man's affection. But a self-involved jerk with a commercially-imposed sense of what's sexy?
That's another story.
I want your opinion on this!
I have read in some dating magazines and books that in order to keep that man - take some Advil and go get waxed you know where. Now I have tried the shaving thing, and it's just darn uncomfortable when it grows back in - not to mention hair down there has a purpose. What do you say to the guy who rejects you because you don't spread to have some woman rip away at your nether regions?
Now mind you - I don't care for a hairy back and if given the choice I would prefer not to have an armadillo. I would NOT reject a good man for this. Is it the same fat vs. thin argument? Men are visual, who can blame them and if they take care of themselves why shouldn't you?
For all purposes - I am well groomed, I do shave my legs and pits and don't have loose strands peeking out of my bathing suit. What's the etiquette on Brazilian or not? Plus it's not cheap.
-J.
Canada - home of the beaver!
Dear J.-
Excuse me while I retrieve my head from the ceiling.
First I'll address your question: What do you say to a man who rejects you because you are not inclined to subject yourself to the overrated ritual euphemistically known as a Brazilian?
You tell him, "Try watching a little less porn, Jackass."
The notion that it is somehow your duty to submit yourself to this masochism to please a man is beyond me. I've never--let me repeat--never met a healthy man who rejected a woman based on the appearance of her lady parts (as Tina Fey likes to call them).
The next time you read a so-called women's magazine, ask yourself, "Do I feel better about myself after reading this thing? Or worse?"
If you feel worse, the magazine has done its job, which is to make you feel insecure enough to buy its advertisers' products in an attempt to feel better about yourself. Remember, the function of some advertising is not to suggest a solution to a problem, but to create a problem that the product can solve for you:
Want a man to love you? Today's man can only love you if you appear to have reached the sexual maturity of a First Grader.
Other arguments for the Brazilian include:
-All the hot female celebrities get Brazilians; it's no big deal. Why not you?
-A Brazilian is exotic. You will feel so much sexier!
Listen, if you're really and truly intrigued by the idea of a Brazilian, if it makes sense to you, go for it. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reason, which would be for yourself, not to please or attract some guy.
Let me repeat: I've never met a healthy man (you know, one without a porn addiction or serious control issues) who cared that much about the appearance of his girlfriend's parts. He's just happy she has them.
As for the "men are visual" argument, think about that one for a minute, will you? The Brazilian wax is a relatively new phenomenon. Men and women have been getting along since the dawn of time without it.
Did your mother worry about getting Brazilians to keep a man's interest? Did your grandmother? My guess is that your female ancestors did just fine without paying a stranger to tear sheets of hair from the tenderest spots of their anatomies.
The visual argument is genius. It also excuses tons of bad behavior: Your boyfriend ogles other women? He's not a jackass. He's visual.
The visual argument moves lots of product, let me tell you.
Relationships are based on sexual attraction, sure, but sexual attraction usually develops before you and a man have seen each other naked. Lasting relationships are based on more than sexual attraction. They're based on love, respect, humor, and the desire for the other partner's happiness.
Save your money and your skin. A Brazilian is not necessary to keep a (healthy) man's affection. But a self-involved jerk with a commercially-imposed sense of what's sexy?
That's another story.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Must She Always Be Alone?
Dear Terry,
I am not dating anyone right now. Smart, talented, attractive mid-forties. I keep looking back at my exes. One is married, and another has had a girlfriend for eight years.
I wonder where did I go wrong? How come I am still alone?
I also want to add that I gave up one boyfriend since did not want to get married. But now he is living with his girlfriend of eight years.
Should I have done that? Just lived together?
-Alone for Now
Dear Now-
Do you remember what happened to Lot's wife when she looked back? Well, stop looking back. There's nothing to be gained from mooning over dead relationships that probably died for good reason.
If you didn't want to live with a guy without being married to him, you did the right thing by not living with him. You would not have been happy then, and you would not be happy now.
Chances are, you'd still be trying to convince him to get married, and clearly he wasn't kidding when he said he did not want to get married -- to you or to anyone else (see present girlfriend for evidence).
You ask where you've gone wrong, but maybe you haven't gone wrong at all. Things happen for a reason (I really believe this). Maybe the first guy, the one who did get married, would have made you miserable. Be open to the possibility that you've been saved from something.
You say you're smart, talented, attractive. Be confident there's a man out there who wants what you have.
But let me play devil's advocate:
Say you don't ever get married. Say a prophet just happens to pop over to borrow a cup of sugar and tells you, "God told to me this morning that you're destined to remain alone, so you'd better start enjoying yourself?"
How would you change your life?
Would you travel? Buy yourself flowers? Try new foods? Study Latin? Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered?
You see, I do not believe that a woman needs a man to be happy. (I do believe that if she's going to stay happy she'd better hook up with the right man, however.) I also know there are no guarantees in life, except that we will all die one day.
The job may move to Mexico, the husband may drop dead of a heart attack, the house may wash away in a flood. But you will always have you, so you'd better start enjoying you. Stop worrying about snagging a man.
Keep in mind the great qualities you have to offer. Start enjoying the whole, talented, self-supporting, smart, attractive woman you are. When you feel good about yourself, when you're happy and full, you attract good circumstances and better people.
In the meantime, I recommend you read a fabulous book by a woman who would have traded places with you in a minute. She got a divorce and embarked on an adventure that fed her mind, body, and soul. The book is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.
Buy it or get it at the library. It's a life-changer.
I am not dating anyone right now. Smart, talented, attractive mid-forties. I keep looking back at my exes. One is married, and another has had a girlfriend for eight years.
I wonder where did I go wrong? How come I am still alone?
I also want to add that I gave up one boyfriend since did not want to get married. But now he is living with his girlfriend of eight years.
Should I have done that? Just lived together?
-Alone for Now
Dear Now-
Do you remember what happened to Lot's wife when she looked back? Well, stop looking back. There's nothing to be gained from mooning over dead relationships that probably died for good reason.
If you didn't want to live with a guy without being married to him, you did the right thing by not living with him. You would not have been happy then, and you would not be happy now.
Chances are, you'd still be trying to convince him to get married, and clearly he wasn't kidding when he said he did not want to get married -- to you or to anyone else (see present girlfriend for evidence).
You ask where you've gone wrong, but maybe you haven't gone wrong at all. Things happen for a reason (I really believe this). Maybe the first guy, the one who did get married, would have made you miserable. Be open to the possibility that you've been saved from something.
You say you're smart, talented, attractive. Be confident there's a man out there who wants what you have.
But let me play devil's advocate:
Say you don't ever get married. Say a prophet just happens to pop over to borrow a cup of sugar and tells you, "God told to me this morning that you're destined to remain alone, so you'd better start enjoying yourself?"
How would you change your life?
Would you travel? Buy yourself flowers? Try new foods? Study Latin? Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered?
You see, I do not believe that a woman needs a man to be happy. (I do believe that if she's going to stay happy she'd better hook up with the right man, however.) I also know there are no guarantees in life, except that we will all die one day.
The job may move to Mexico, the husband may drop dead of a heart attack, the house may wash away in a flood. But you will always have you, so you'd better start enjoying you. Stop worrying about snagging a man.
Keep in mind the great qualities you have to offer. Start enjoying the whole, talented, self-supporting, smart, attractive woman you are. When you feel good about yourself, when you're happy and full, you attract good circumstances and better people.
In the meantime, I recommend you read a fabulous book by a woman who would have traded places with you in a minute. She got a divorce and embarked on an adventure that fed her mind, body, and soul. The book is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.
Buy it or get it at the library. It's a life-changer.
Friday, June 13, 2008
This Guy Really, Really Wanted to Get Married
So he married a woman a few hours after he met her. They just celebrated their 10th anniversary.
Pretty amazing.
Pretty amazing.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
At the Book Club
Last night, I met some friends I've made in the state where it's reportedly impossible to make friends for our book club. (Keep this in mind when somebody tells you it's impossible to meet single men who aren't complete losers.)
The books we discussed were Please Excuse My Daughter by Julie Klam (liked it) and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (liked it, too). We chose two new books for our next meeting (I recommended Me of Little Faith by my hero, Lewis Black, forgetting that a couple of chickens are probably not as laid back as I am about frequent appearances of the F-word. A friend recommended the second book, The Ten Year Nap, by Meg Wolitzer). So we've got one fiction and one non-fiction title to read, and we're off!
We drank wine, ate too much, and sat under the stars on our friend Melanie's deck. What a beautiful night; it made for sweet relief after the oppressive heat and humidity we suffered the previous three days!
Nothing like time out with the females. In case you missed my invitation for a girls' getaway in September, you can see it by clicking here.
Would love to have you!
The books we discussed were Please Excuse My Daughter by Julie Klam (liked it) and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch (liked it, too). We chose two new books for our next meeting (I recommended Me of Little Faith by my hero, Lewis Black, forgetting that a couple of chickens are probably not as laid back as I am about frequent appearances of the F-word. A friend recommended the second book, The Ten Year Nap, by Meg Wolitzer). So we've got one fiction and one non-fiction title to read, and we're off!
We drank wine, ate too much, and sat under the stars on our friend Melanie's deck. What a beautiful night; it made for sweet relief after the oppressive heat and humidity we suffered the previous three days!
Nothing like time out with the females. In case you missed my invitation for a girls' getaway in September, you can see it by clicking here.
Would love to have you!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tell Him to Have a Happy Life
Dear Terry-
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for about 5 years. He is 29, a few months ago he received a scholarship from his work to do Masters Degree in UK, which I found out from the other people. Since then he's been treating me like trash, planning his trip without telling me anything, making long calls to certain woman who is in UK, but from here, he denied having an affair with her.
Three weeks ago he took me to his place, telling me he doesn’t want to be cheating anymore; that woman is his girlfriend, he and I have no future together and when he goes to UK they will be together.
I wrote him an e-mail telling him to have a happy life, and he should stop calling and email me because he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with me while there is another woman in his life, when we meet we shall smile. He emphasizes that they are so into it; I said nothing.
He began calling me every day after three days sending texts that he has changed his mind he wants to be with me and take me with him.
The funny thing is our parents don’t know about us. I asked him for something formal which he refused, I respect my parents. I can't just go just like that. As of now, I told him that we should never have sex, and I will never visit his place unless he proves he really wants to be with me by introducing me to his parents and visit mine.
I am confused, Terry. Does he love me, or does he just want to use me because he didn’t say the relationship is over with her? I don’t know what to do.
I need your help.
-Confused
Dear Confused-
Would you allow a friend to treat you this way? Wouldn't you have doubts about a friend who refused to introduce you to her parents? Who announced your friendship didn't have a future, and then called and emailed to tell you she'd changed her mind?
I suspect you'd have serious reservations about such a person. I would, anyway.
You were right (and dignified, I might add) when you told this man to stop contacting you, and to have a happy life. The next time he contacts you, please tell him what he told you: "We have no future together."
Does he love you, you ask? I think a man who behaves this way only loves himself. I don't think he is capable of making you happy. I don't believe he is capable of making any woman happy.
Can you imagine being saddled with this person for the rest of your life? He'd make you miserable.
You're better off without him, but I suspect you already know this. Stop building him up in your mind. Evict him! He's just not good enough for you.
-Terry
My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for about 5 years. He is 29, a few months ago he received a scholarship from his work to do Masters Degree in UK, which I found out from the other people. Since then he's been treating me like trash, planning his trip without telling me anything, making long calls to certain woman who is in UK, but from here, he denied having an affair with her.
Three weeks ago he took me to his place, telling me he doesn’t want to be cheating anymore; that woman is his girlfriend, he and I have no future together and when he goes to UK they will be together.
I wrote him an e-mail telling him to have a happy life, and he should stop calling and email me because he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with me while there is another woman in his life, when we meet we shall smile. He emphasizes that they are so into it; I said nothing.
He began calling me every day after three days sending texts that he has changed his mind he wants to be with me and take me with him.
The funny thing is our parents don’t know about us. I asked him for something formal which he refused, I respect my parents. I can't just go just like that. As of now, I told him that we should never have sex, and I will never visit his place unless he proves he really wants to be with me by introducing me to his parents and visit mine.
I am confused, Terry. Does he love me, or does he just want to use me because he didn’t say the relationship is over with her? I don’t know what to do.
I need your help.
-Confused
Dear Confused-
Would you allow a friend to treat you this way? Wouldn't you have doubts about a friend who refused to introduce you to her parents? Who announced your friendship didn't have a future, and then called and emailed to tell you she'd changed her mind?
I suspect you'd have serious reservations about such a person. I would, anyway.
You were right (and dignified, I might add) when you told this man to stop contacting you, and to have a happy life. The next time he contacts you, please tell him what he told you: "We have no future together."
Does he love you, you ask? I think a man who behaves this way only loves himself. I don't think he is capable of making you happy. I don't believe he is capable of making any woman happy.
Can you imagine being saddled with this person for the rest of your life? He'd make you miserable.
You're better off without him, but I suspect you already know this. Stop building him up in your mind. Evict him! He's just not good enough for you.
-Terry
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Taking a Break
I've been spending way too much time on this computer, and my eyeballs are about to blast out of my head. I'll be taking a break from this page for a couple of days.
Have a great weekend!
Have a great weekend!
Thursday, June 05, 2008
A Funny Man Vs. an Unfunny Man
Okay, this post has nothing to do with dating, but I have to get something off my chest.
Last night I stayed up late to work out a computer glitch and ended up witnessing Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Now, Conan bugs me. The guy scrapes for laughs. Case in point was last night's quip about TV Land's new show, She's Got the Look, about would-be models over the age of 35.
Conan said something to the effect of, "It's perfect for viewers who don't prefer their models young and hot."
The joke got zero laughs. Deservedly.
Then he went on to make fun of Ed McMahon, the 85-year-old former Tonight Show co-host, who is in danger of losing his home to foreclosure. That joke also garnered zero laughs.
Talk about crap comedy.
Conan is mean, which is not the same as funny. Or smart.
When he takes over The Tonight Show next year, I'll continue to avoid it (I don't watch it now because Jay Leno isn't funny, either), but I will probably watch Late Night more often (because Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan, and he is).
In happy news, one of my favorite comedians, Lewis Black, who does happen to be smart and funny has just put out a new book entitled Me of Little Faith. I plan to pick it up at full price at the independent bookstore in my neighborhood because I a) love Lewis, and b) I treasure this independent bookstore and want to keep it in business.
Lewis Black is scheduled to appear on Conan this evening to promote Me of Little Faith. I'll tune in, despite Conan.
Last night I stayed up late to work out a computer glitch and ended up witnessing Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Now, Conan bugs me. The guy scrapes for laughs. Case in point was last night's quip about TV Land's new show, She's Got the Look, about would-be models over the age of 35.
Conan said something to the effect of, "It's perfect for viewers who don't prefer their models young and hot."
The joke got zero laughs. Deservedly.
Then he went on to make fun of Ed McMahon, the 85-year-old former Tonight Show co-host, who is in danger of losing his home to foreclosure. That joke also garnered zero laughs.
Talk about crap comedy.
Conan is mean, which is not the same as funny. Or smart.
When he takes over The Tonight Show next year, I'll continue to avoid it (I don't watch it now because Jay Leno isn't funny, either), but I will probably watch Late Night more often (because Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan, and he is).
In happy news, one of my favorite comedians, Lewis Black, who does happen to be smart and funny has just put out a new book entitled Me of Little Faith. I plan to pick it up at full price at the independent bookstore in my neighborhood because I a) love Lewis, and b) I treasure this independent bookstore and want to keep it in business.
Lewis Black is scheduled to appear on Conan this evening to promote Me of Little Faith. I'll tune in, despite Conan.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Guys Who Only Like Their Coffee Strong
Hi, Terry:
I have recently had the experience where a guy I was seeing for about a month sent me a text to say he couldn't see me at the moment as he had decided to get counselling. No phone call..a text..after weeks of a fun time..things going great.
You gave me a great reply to this situation on distancing behaviour from men..a friend of mine said to me today though, that he could understand the guy doing that because I am a strong woman..It's not right..but he understands this male behaviour.
So, my question is...Do you think that women can be part of the problem in scenarios like this?
I am strong..but in an assertive not an aggressive way. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to me, and expect to be treated with respect.
What are your thoughts on men who see the woman as causing the men's reaction in the first place?
Sian
Dear Sian:
I don't care if you burned the guy's house down. There's no excuse for ending your relationship with a text message. I mean, think about it. Who ends a relationship with a text informing you he's off to get counseling?
And your friend's reaction? Pass the smelling salts!
This guy suggests that your former beau's cowardly exit results from your being a strong woman, which he perceives as somewhat scary and unfortunate.
But listen: Strong men are not threatened by strong women. On the contrary, strong men relish and delight in a strong women because they're human. They want a friend, as well as a lover. They want someone they can count on to put them on the right path when they lose their way (because, once in a while, we all lose our way). And even though it frightens them that they may get sick and will die some day, they understand the value of having a partner who possesses the strength take care of them when they do (unless you get sick and die first, that is).
Sorry for being morbid, but this is life, and these are the facts.
Please don't ever question your desire for respect. However, it does concern me when you say you don't want anyone to be obligated to you. I may be misunderstanding you here, but if you mean that you don't want a man to feel that he has to take care of you, please remember:
Every human being wants to feel needed.
So, if you're dating a man, and he asks to do something for you, let him. Of course you can do it yourself, and he's not implying that you can't. He's merely trying to get closer to you. If you like him, you must make room for him. Letting him do little things for you will make him feel valued.
In the meantime, stop worrying about MR G2G2 COUNSELING. A man who breaks up via text is no loss.
I have recently had the experience where a guy I was seeing for about a month sent me a text to say he couldn't see me at the moment as he had decided to get counselling. No phone call..a text..after weeks of a fun time..things going great.
You gave me a great reply to this situation on distancing behaviour from men..a friend of mine said to me today though, that he could understand the guy doing that because I am a strong woman..It's not right..but he understands this male behaviour.
So, my question is...Do you think that women can be part of the problem in scenarios like this?
I am strong..but in an assertive not an aggressive way. I don't want anyone to feel obligated to me, and expect to be treated with respect.
What are your thoughts on men who see the woman as causing the men's reaction in the first place?
Sian
Dear Sian:
I don't care if you burned the guy's house down. There's no excuse for ending your relationship with a text message. I mean, think about it. Who ends a relationship with a text informing you he's off to get counseling?
And your friend's reaction? Pass the smelling salts!
This guy suggests that your former beau's cowardly exit results from your being a strong woman, which he perceives as somewhat scary and unfortunate.
But listen: Strong men are not threatened by strong women. On the contrary, strong men relish and delight in a strong women because they're human. They want a friend, as well as a lover. They want someone they can count on to put them on the right path when they lose their way (because, once in a while, we all lose our way). And even though it frightens them that they may get sick and will die some day, they understand the value of having a partner who possesses the strength take care of them when they do (unless you get sick and die first, that is).
Sorry for being morbid, but this is life, and these are the facts.
Please don't ever question your desire for respect. However, it does concern me when you say you don't want anyone to be obligated to you. I may be misunderstanding you here, but if you mean that you don't want a man to feel that he has to take care of you, please remember:
Every human being wants to feel needed.
So, if you're dating a man, and he asks to do something for you, let him. Of course you can do it yourself, and he's not implying that you can't. He's merely trying to get closer to you. If you like him, you must make room for him. Letting him do little things for you will make him feel valued.
In the meantime, stop worrying about MR G2G2 COUNSELING. A man who breaks up via text is no loss.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Dating for Cash and Prizes
During my single days, I'd go on a first date with the occasional guy who seemed convinced that all women would take him for whatever he was worth.
And there was no second date. Paranoia's a serious turn-off.
But a couple of weeks ago, I came across an article in one of the New York papers that described how one woman Manhattan-dweller is dealing with the rising cost of living. Here's the quote that made my hair stand up on end:
Ugh.
And there was no second date. Paranoia's a serious turn-off.
But a couple of weeks ago, I came across an article in one of the New York papers that described how one woman Manhattan-dweller is dealing with the rising cost of living. Here's the quote that made my hair stand up on end:
"I've upped the dating," [she] says. "I tend to date chivalrous types who can take me out to nice places. It's helped me survive the recession."Women like this exist, sure, but I'd die before I became one. I wouldn't want one for a friend, either.
Ugh.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Another Rubberband Man
Hi, Terry-
I am thoroughly confused. A year ago I dated a man who is twenty years my senior. I am twenty-seven. It was a short but very intense relationship. We lived together for about a month.
He has a very bad relationship history (the word Casanova comes to mind), and I doubted throughout if he wanted a serious realtionship. At his age, the longest relationship he has ever been in is seven months! I thought he had changed, as he said he was tired of being in relationships that never lasted and was hoping ours would.
I disliked a lot of things about the relationship- he was very paranoid, jealous and analysed every statement I made. Even though he never said anything, and he denied being jealous, his behaviour proved other wise. I tried to alleviate his fears by trying to let him know that I thought of HIM only and so on. I would call him all the time to tell him what I was doing so he would not have to wonder and suspect anything. He misunderstood my constant communication with him as a sign of neediness and clinginess. Well, to cut a long story short he broke up with me and said he only wanted to be friends as we misunderstood and misconnected.
I was ok with that initially, even though it hurt a lot, because we did fight a lot. Just as I was beginning to get used to a life without him he then started indicating to me that he wanted more. He would invite me to social gatherings with his friends and not indicate that we were not together anymore. He would let them assume and sometimes actually confirm that we were still together, which confused me a lot since I still have feelings for him, and I would take him back if he wanted to work at the relationship.
Currently, I am the one who AGAIN initiates contact. He does not however follow our dinner and coffee dates with a call or so. He acts as though we are together when other people are, but he never makes any contact with me otherwise. I am always the one to call him to ask if he wants to go out for meals or coffee. He always accepts, always hints to a future reunion, his body language says he still finds me attractive but he never initiates contact.
What is going on here? what can I do to turn the tables. I still have feelings for him, but I am tired of feeling used. He is currently still single.
What do you think?
-G.
Dear G.-
I'll tell you what I think: You can do better than this.
Your problem is very similar to the one I answered yesterday, so please read my response there. I'd also like you to re-read your letter to me. Sometimes when we look at a situation in black-and-white we can see it for what it really is.
You say this particular man's body language indicates that he is still attracted to you. That's great. It means a better man will be attracted to you, too.
But you want this man. Why? Why? Why?
Please think about this: What attracts you to a man who is destined to disappoint you every way he can? What attracts you to a man you describe as a Casanova? Who is incapable of maintaining a relationship for over seven months? At 47 years of age?
Which brings me to another thing: His age. When you're 27, being with a man 20 years your senior can be a heady experience. Older people can be incredibly attractive when we're young; they seem smarter, wiser, sexier. But not every older man or woman has grown up from the person they were in their 20s.
Some people resist growth. And an older man who still can't manage a decent love relationship probably falls into this category.
You mention that you disliked a lot of this man's qualities when you were together: His paranoia, jealousy, and his compulsion to analyze every word you uttered. Can you imagine the living hell you'd endure if you married him?
Stop being confused. Stop calling the guy. If he calls you, tell him thanks but no thanks.
You deserve better and you're moving on.
Terry
I am thoroughly confused. A year ago I dated a man who is twenty years my senior. I am twenty-seven. It was a short but very intense relationship. We lived together for about a month.
He has a very bad relationship history (the word Casanova comes to mind), and I doubted throughout if he wanted a serious realtionship. At his age, the longest relationship he has ever been in is seven months! I thought he had changed, as he said he was tired of being in relationships that never lasted and was hoping ours would.
I disliked a lot of things about the relationship- he was very paranoid, jealous and analysed every statement I made. Even though he never said anything, and he denied being jealous, his behaviour proved other wise. I tried to alleviate his fears by trying to let him know that I thought of HIM only and so on. I would call him all the time to tell him what I was doing so he would not have to wonder and suspect anything. He misunderstood my constant communication with him as a sign of neediness and clinginess. Well, to cut a long story short he broke up with me and said he only wanted to be friends as we misunderstood and misconnected.
I was ok with that initially, even though it hurt a lot, because we did fight a lot. Just as I was beginning to get used to a life without him he then started indicating to me that he wanted more. He would invite me to social gatherings with his friends and not indicate that we were not together anymore. He would let them assume and sometimes actually confirm that we were still together, which confused me a lot since I still have feelings for him, and I would take him back if he wanted to work at the relationship.
Currently, I am the one who AGAIN initiates contact. He does not however follow our dinner and coffee dates with a call or so. He acts as though we are together when other people are, but he never makes any contact with me otherwise. I am always the one to call him to ask if he wants to go out for meals or coffee. He always accepts, always hints to a future reunion, his body language says he still finds me attractive but he never initiates contact.
What is going on here? what can I do to turn the tables. I still have feelings for him, but I am tired of feeling used. He is currently still single.
What do you think?
-G.
Dear G.-
I'll tell you what I think: You can do better than this.
Your problem is very similar to the one I answered yesterday, so please read my response there. I'd also like you to re-read your letter to me. Sometimes when we look at a situation in black-and-white we can see it for what it really is.
You say this particular man's body language indicates that he is still attracted to you. That's great. It means a better man will be attracted to you, too.
But you want this man. Why? Why? Why?
Please think about this: What attracts you to a man who is destined to disappoint you every way he can? What attracts you to a man you describe as a Casanova? Who is incapable of maintaining a relationship for over seven months? At 47 years of age?
Which brings me to another thing: His age. When you're 27, being with a man 20 years your senior can be a heady experience. Older people can be incredibly attractive when we're young; they seem smarter, wiser, sexier. But not every older man or woman has grown up from the person they were in their 20s.
Some people resist growth. And an older man who still can't manage a decent love relationship probably falls into this category.
You mention that you disliked a lot of this man's qualities when you were together: His paranoia, jealousy, and his compulsion to analyze every word you uttered. Can you imagine the living hell you'd endure if you married him?
Stop being confused. Stop calling the guy. If he calls you, tell him thanks but no thanks.
You deserve better and you're moving on.
Terry
Thursday, May 29, 2008
He Told Her She Was the Most Amazing Person He'd Ever Met (and Promptly Disappeared)
Hi, Terry:
I have been dreading to send you this mail but didn’t know where to start until I just couldn’t go to sleep as I am at the end of my journey.
I met Him in July last year. The first signs that something was wrong was when He gave me a lift home from work and said, "You are an amazing person, I’ve never met anyone like you but cannot see you again." I was convinced, but got an e-mail at work that said, “There’s something I want to show you! Is it possible to see you when you knock off?” Then we were together again. We have been to breakfasts, lakes, lunches, and all of them were magical.
That was only the beginning of my sufferings. We are so different and yet so attracted to each other. Different religion, race, he is 20yrs older …the list goes on! Magic is the only word I can explain what we both feel. But every time we spent time together he will suddenly close up for days on end, and I wouldn’t understand what hit me. As I write this tears just pour down as I know that we are only kept apart by boundaries that He knows of but is not willing to share with me. At times He says that I’m too close or He’ll say “one of these days I’ll surprise you." I don’t know what this is or where it is going….
I have fallen for him, and it makes me sad to know that He doesn’t want me. I have met wonderful people but cannot seem to go on dates or give anybody a chance. I have tried but all these are disastrous and make me feel worse. Nobody has never made me feel the way that he does… We still go to lunch once in a while, I do try to keep my distance but if we are together, every tear and pain melts away. We are not sexually active as He feels that we are not ready. This is frustrating as I‘ve read every book, am a bonafide Christian at age 32 with two beautiful girls….I need to get through this and be normal again.
He does call….but as soon as there’s any connection, He is gone. I love him and I do want him in my life even though he is a different religion. He has all the qualities I want in a man. I have prayed and am not willing to give up on him. Please help…
-Warm Regards But Not Feeling too Well
Dear Warm-
It's extremely seductive when you click with a man, and he tells you, "You are the most amazing person I've ever met." It really seals the attraction, doesn't it?
Because we women have been socialized to believe that someday our prince will come, that we are destined to spend our lives with a soulmate, that some romances are fated from the start, and so on. From the day we are born, it's expected that some man will come for us out of the blue, love us, provide for us, and make us happy.
But it's more important that we love and provide for ourselves and make ourselves happy. A fantastic love relationship is lovely, intoxicating, invigorating, and certainly helpful, but it's not necessary to our survival.
Sadly, so many of us hold onto a relationship because it just had to be "the one" because of the beliefs we've been raised with, supplemented with a comment from a guy like, "You are like nobody else," or "The minute I met you I felt I'd always known you."
It's hard to walk away from a line like that. (I know; I fell for one myself).
And it's especially intriguing when a guy drops a line like that and follows it up with, "I cannot see you again."
What?
And then he calls and asks you to join him in some magical adventure. And you go and say to yourself, "We belong together. It's just a matter of time before he realizes it. I'll make him realize it."
But here's the snag: He's not available.
I don't know whether religion is a factor, or if it's something else. To tell you the truth, it does not matter. What matters is that you're in pain. You're losing sleep over this guy, which means other aspects of your life are suffering, which may include your work, your children, and your ability to have a good laugh with your friends.
In my experience, men who tell you they're unavailable mean it. And that may be a good thing because if you stand back far enough to see this picture clearly, you'll quickly realize that a man who tells you you're special but can't see you again and then calls you bears little resemblance to the man you've built him up to be.
Your mind is a powerful thing. Name one thing about his man that you don't like (there's something). Now imagine having to deal with him and this particular quality on a daily basis. Because people tend to be on their best behavior when they're getting to know another person, you can pretty much bet that this bad quality is only going to get worse.
Say to yourself, "Where the heck does this clown get off calling the shots in my life?" And, "What's his problem, anyway?" (Trust me. He's got a problem.)
Please be open to the possibility that there exists a man who will think you're the most special person on earth and make himself available to be with you. Hold out for that man!
If you doubt this man exists, it's important to ask yourself why. Why can't he? Is there a part of you that doesn't want him to exist? Are you afraid of having a real relationship?
If so, why? Write down every single thing that scares you about it. Don't censor yourself. Then see if it's possible that your fears are justified. Is it possible that they can be overcome?
Very often we become attracted to men we cannot have precisely because we cannot have them (I used to be a pro at this). A little soul searching will go a long way in helping you move on from this situation.
Whatever you do, please stop eating lunch with a man who says, "Someday I will surprise you" and other cryptic nonsense, only to disappear. He is not worthy of you or your time.
I'm rooting for you.
Terry
I have been dreading to send you this mail but didn’t know where to start until I just couldn’t go to sleep as I am at the end of my journey.
I met Him in July last year. The first signs that something was wrong was when He gave me a lift home from work and said, "You are an amazing person, I’ve never met anyone like you but cannot see you again." I was convinced, but got an e-mail at work that said, “There’s something I want to show you! Is it possible to see you when you knock off?” Then we were together again. We have been to breakfasts, lakes, lunches, and all of them were magical.
That was only the beginning of my sufferings. We are so different and yet so attracted to each other. Different religion, race, he is 20yrs older …the list goes on! Magic is the only word I can explain what we both feel. But every time we spent time together he will suddenly close up for days on end, and I wouldn’t understand what hit me. As I write this tears just pour down as I know that we are only kept apart by boundaries that He knows of but is not willing to share with me. At times He says that I’m too close or He’ll say “one of these days I’ll surprise you." I don’t know what this is or where it is going….
I have fallen for him, and it makes me sad to know that He doesn’t want me. I have met wonderful people but cannot seem to go on dates or give anybody a chance. I have tried but all these are disastrous and make me feel worse. Nobody has never made me feel the way that he does… We still go to lunch once in a while, I do try to keep my distance but if we are together, every tear and pain melts away. We are not sexually active as He feels that we are not ready. This is frustrating as I‘ve read every book, am a bonafide Christian at age 32 with two beautiful girls….I need to get through this and be normal again.
He does call….but as soon as there’s any connection, He is gone. I love him and I do want him in my life even though he is a different religion. He has all the qualities I want in a man. I have prayed and am not willing to give up on him. Please help…
-Warm Regards But Not Feeling too Well
Dear Warm-
It's extremely seductive when you click with a man, and he tells you, "You are the most amazing person I've ever met." It really seals the attraction, doesn't it?
Because we women have been socialized to believe that someday our prince will come, that we are destined to spend our lives with a soulmate, that some romances are fated from the start, and so on. From the day we are born, it's expected that some man will come for us out of the blue, love us, provide for us, and make us happy.
But it's more important that we love and provide for ourselves and make ourselves happy. A fantastic love relationship is lovely, intoxicating, invigorating, and certainly helpful, but it's not necessary to our survival.
Sadly, so many of us hold onto a relationship because it just had to be "the one" because of the beliefs we've been raised with, supplemented with a comment from a guy like, "You are like nobody else," or "The minute I met you I felt I'd always known you."
It's hard to walk away from a line like that. (I know; I fell for one myself).
And it's especially intriguing when a guy drops a line like that and follows it up with, "I cannot see you again."
What?
And then he calls and asks you to join him in some magical adventure. And you go and say to yourself, "We belong together. It's just a matter of time before he realizes it. I'll make him realize it."
But here's the snag: He's not available.
I don't know whether religion is a factor, or if it's something else. To tell you the truth, it does not matter. What matters is that you're in pain. You're losing sleep over this guy, which means other aspects of your life are suffering, which may include your work, your children, and your ability to have a good laugh with your friends.
In my experience, men who tell you they're unavailable mean it. And that may be a good thing because if you stand back far enough to see this picture clearly, you'll quickly realize that a man who tells you you're special but can't see you again and then calls you bears little resemblance to the man you've built him up to be.
Your mind is a powerful thing. Name one thing about his man that you don't like (there's something). Now imagine having to deal with him and this particular quality on a daily basis. Because people tend to be on their best behavior when they're getting to know another person, you can pretty much bet that this bad quality is only going to get worse.
Say to yourself, "Where the heck does this clown get off calling the shots in my life?" And, "What's his problem, anyway?" (Trust me. He's got a problem.)
Please be open to the possibility that there exists a man who will think you're the most special person on earth and make himself available to be with you. Hold out for that man!
If you doubt this man exists, it's important to ask yourself why. Why can't he? Is there a part of you that doesn't want him to exist? Are you afraid of having a real relationship?
If so, why? Write down every single thing that scares you about it. Don't censor yourself. Then see if it's possible that your fears are justified. Is it possible that they can be overcome?
Very often we become attracted to men we cannot have precisely because we cannot have them (I used to be a pro at this). A little soul searching will go a long way in helping you move on from this situation.
Whatever you do, please stop eating lunch with a man who says, "Someday I will surprise you" and other cryptic nonsense, only to disappear. He is not worthy of you or your time.
I'm rooting for you.
Terry
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Gals' Cruise to Bermuda! I'm Going. How About You?
It doesn't matter whether you're single or married. Come alone.* Bring a friend. Bring a bunch of friends. Bring your sister. It only matters that you're up for a good time!
(I sure am.)
Cruise Planner Virginia DeDad, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, and I have put together a 5-day Royal Caribbean cruise, setting sail from New Jersey on September 20, and we want YOU to join us.
We'll dock in King's Wharf, Bermuda.
Our ship, Explorer of the Seas(R) features:
-10 restaurants.
-State-of-the-art spa**
-Bars, a pub, a nightclub, and casino**
-Golf course
-Yoga and fitness classes
-2 pools
-Live entertainment
-Movie theater
(We won't be bored.)
PLUS, SINGLE WOMEN CAN TAKE ANY OF THESE FREE WORKSHOPS (WHILE THEIR MARRIED FRIENDS DO SOMETHING ELSE):
Attract the Man of Your Dreams with the Law of Attraction
Tired of dating the wrong men? Discover how you can bring the right man into your life by unleashing the power of the Law of Attraction. Terry Hernon MacDonald, author of the blog, Dating Advice (Almost) Daily, will give you the time-tested tools to attract a man who'll make you happy.
Flirt School: Increase Your Feminine Allure to Attract More Men
What makes a woman irresistible? Discover simple flirting methods and sure-fire ways to rekindle your feminine charm. Ronnie Ann Ryan, The Dating Coach and author of the book MANifesting Mr. Right, will show you how to become approachable, improve desirability, and connect with non-verbal cues. (Visit Ronnie here).
Date Smart—Savvy Tips to Find Love Now
Do you worry you’ll never find a good man? Learn the most effective dating strategies to find the love you want. Ronnie Ann Ryan will clear up confusion about dating roles, who pays, and how you can avoid the biggest mistakes women make today.
Plus:
If demand warrants, we may offer "Women Finish Rich—Savvy Financial Planning Strategies for a Fabulous Retirement," a seminar with a reputable (but not boring) financial planner in tune with women's unique financial situations.
RATES:
*Depending on availability, Virginia will be happy to arrange a roommate for you.
Inside Cabin:
$849/person, double occupancy
Balcony Cabin
$1149/person double occupancy
Includes all taxes, port charges, fuel supplements.
**Spa services, alcohol, land tours extra
$200 Deposit due by June 22nd
Final payment due on or before July 12th
To make your deposit or for more information, call Virginia with Cruise Planners (she's friendly) at:
1-800-794-0741 or 203-402-0632
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Great Flirting Tip
I found a very excellent post on Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan's blog today about getting up the nerve to do whatcha gotta do when you want to get out of a rut and meet somebody.
If you're not familiar with Ronnie, she's the author of Manifesting Mr. Right, which details how she defied media gloom and doom and attracted her own Mr. Right after age 40. Check out Manifesting Mr. Right here.
Click here to check out Ronnie's blog and flirting tip.
If you're not familiar with Ronnie, she's the author of Manifesting Mr. Right, which details how she defied media gloom and doom and attracted her own Mr. Right after age 40. Check out Manifesting Mr. Right here.
Click here to check out Ronnie's blog and flirting tip.
How to Tell If He...
The search terms I find in this blog's stat counter reveal a lot, especially after a long weekend. Here are this morning's big four:
-How to tell if he likes me
-How to tell if he wants to be exclusive
-How to tell if he wants relationship
-Stood up
To shed light on the first three, it's never your job to figure out if a man likes you or what his motives are. It's his job to communicate his feelings, and if he doesn't, keep moving until he does. (And if he doesn't, you won't have wasted time on him.)
As for being stood up, well, please believe me when I suggest that a guy's not showing has nothing (really; nothing) to do with you and everything to do with him. Does this make it any less disappointing?
Of course not.
But a guy who's too cowardly or self-involved or forgetful or drunk to show up for a date (or to pick up the phone and give you the courtesy of canceling it) makes lousy boyfriend material.
Be thankful he let you know it before you got involved with him.
-How to tell if he likes me
-How to tell if he wants to be exclusive
-How to tell if he wants relationship
-Stood up
To shed light on the first three, it's never your job to figure out if a man likes you or what his motives are. It's his job to communicate his feelings, and if he doesn't, keep moving until he does. (And if he doesn't, you won't have wasted time on him.)
As for being stood up, well, please believe me when I suggest that a guy's not showing has nothing (really; nothing) to do with you and everything to do with him. Does this make it any less disappointing?
Of course not.
But a guy who's too cowardly or self-involved or forgetful or drunk to show up for a date (or to pick up the phone and give you the courtesy of canceling it) makes lousy boyfriend material.
Be thankful he let you know it before you got involved with him.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Who Cares If You Look Like Hell? Smile, Dammit!
Hey, Terry!
You're f^cking right about feeling good about yourself being the best way to get guys' attention! Did you ever notice even when you look like total crap that if you have that 'smiley attitude' thing going on that guys are on you like bees to pollen? I will NEVER forget the night a friend and I went out for a couple of quick cocktails, and this extremely attractive and well-built school basketball coach (divorced) was already in there when we arrived.
I had on bleached-out jeans, a black shirt with white paint stains on it (my friend couldn't believe I left the house dressed like that!) and black sneakers. My hair looked like I went through a cyclone in Kansas!
This guy smiled and talked to me all night (too bad I was already in a relationship and couldn't take it further!).
I guess the point is that I went out that night with the intention of having fun and totally succeeded, albeit feeling a tad homely. Man, this dude hit on me all night! Terry, seriously, I almost blew off going out that night because of my mirrored distortions!
To hell with that!
This classic moment brought to you by...
-The Girl from Queens
Hello, Girl from Queens-
Your letter brings to mind the time I went out after my grandmother's funeral, and my eyelids were so puffy I looked as if I had chromosomal damage.
Since I'd already lined up the friends and desperately needed a change of scenery from a funeral home and cemetery, I went out anyway. I told myself exactly what you told yourself: The goal is a good time. Who cares what I look like.
I went out, had fun, laughed all night. Ended up getting the attention of one very Bono-esque Irishman. Wound up dating him for a spell.
Funny how that works.
Terry
You're f^cking right about feeling good about yourself being the best way to get guys' attention! Did you ever notice even when you look like total crap that if you have that 'smiley attitude' thing going on that guys are on you like bees to pollen? I will NEVER forget the night a friend and I went out for a couple of quick cocktails, and this extremely attractive and well-built school basketball coach (divorced) was already in there when we arrived.
I had on bleached-out jeans, a black shirt with white paint stains on it (my friend couldn't believe I left the house dressed like that!) and black sneakers. My hair looked like I went through a cyclone in Kansas!
This guy smiled and talked to me all night (too bad I was already in a relationship and couldn't take it further!).
I guess the point is that I went out that night with the intention of having fun and totally succeeded, albeit feeling a tad homely. Man, this dude hit on me all night! Terry, seriously, I almost blew off going out that night because of my mirrored distortions!
To hell with that!
This classic moment brought to you by...
-The Girl from Queens
Hello, Girl from Queens-
Your letter brings to mind the time I went out after my grandmother's funeral, and my eyelids were so puffy I looked as if I had chromosomal damage.
Since I'd already lined up the friends and desperately needed a change of scenery from a funeral home and cemetery, I went out anyway. I told myself exactly what you told yourself: The goal is a good time. Who cares what I look like.
I went out, had fun, laughed all night. Ended up getting the attention of one very Bono-esque Irishman. Wound up dating him for a spell.
Funny how that works.
Terry
A Side Benefit of the Postal Service
Stop me if I told you this one already:
I was in a doctor's waiting room when this Australian guy and I started talking. I asked him what brought him to this country, and he told me:
Love.
He'd been living with an American sponsor family while he was doing an internship here. The family had a bunch of children, including a young girl who seemed like a really nice kid.
He went back to Australia and found a card in the mailbox from the really nice kid. He wrote back to her. She wrote to him. He wrote back. She got older. Suddenly, she was no longer a really nice kid but a really nice woman.
A romance blossomed. He said that it meant a great deal to him that this person on the other side of the planet would take time out of her life to put a pen to paper, and then put a stamp on the envelope, and put it in the mailbox.
Real mail is so much more meaningful than email, he said.
He decided to come back to the US to see if his feelings for this woman were real. They were. Now they're married and have a son.
"My wife is the most geniune person I've ever met," he said.
There's a lesson here: Expanding one's social circle is the way to make new friendships and fortify existing ones. Sending a card or letter to a new is one way to do that. Friendships have a ripple effect. They lead to more friendships and opportunities.
I don't suggest (no, no, no!) that you ever send mail to stay on some guy's radar.
That backfires, big time (although the 'really nice kid' is definitely an exception). But do be the woman who sends thank-you notes. Drop a card in the mail to the sick lady you used to run into in the elevator at the office. Remember to send a birthday card to your ex-boss. Successful salespeople do this; they know that remembering people tends to pay off in the long run in unexpected ways.
If you show other people love and attention, that love and attention will come back to you a thousandfold.
If you want love, be its source.
Photo credit: Richard H. Stone, from his and Viveca Stone-Berry's line of Dog Captions greeting card line. Proceeds go to benefit animal charities.
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