When the Dude Stops Calling

Mimi Tanner pulls no punches on this subject. Here's an excerpt from her book, Calling Men:

You can certainly judge a relationship by the frequency of phone calls. When you're seeing him as much as you want to; when he's regularly initiating contact; when you feel cherished and appreciated, then you know things are going well.

If the calls start becoming much less frequent - or worse, if the calls completely stop - then you have an entirely different situation on your hands.

Something is definitely wrong. Your man is either losing interest in you, or gaining interest in someone else, or both.

When your man stops calling you and emailing you as he was before, it's a bad feeling. It's also a reality that must be faced and diagnosed accurately, if you want the best chance for restoring the closeness you had with the man you have
been dating. But women often do not want to see their man's behavior for what it is.

Women Tend to Go Into Denial When Their Man Stops Calling

It's very hard to accept the plain and unpleasant fact that this change in your man's calling behavior almost always means he is losing interest in the relationship.

When this happens, women so often say things like, "Things were wonderful between us. Then he stopped calling. What does this mean?"

What does it mean? You won't have to call in the FBI to figure it out.

You'll save yourself precious weeks, months, and years of putting your life on hold if you learn to interpret a man's not calling you (or calling you less) to mean exactly what it does mean: he is moving away from your relationship. Better to face the facts early and plainly, so you can respond in the way that gives you the best chance to keep your relationship with him - if staying with him is what you want.

Otherwise you'll find yourself calling him to ask him the same question, "What does this mean?" Trust me; that will not improve matters! That's not how to handle this situation.

No relationship stands still. It's either getting closer or getting farther apart. Your actions will affect the relationship even now, when his interest seems to be waning.

Judge men's feelings by their actions - whether your man admits that he's losing interest or not.

Your man may not be sure of his feelings just yet. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings or get into a heavy discussion, either. He may also want to hang on to you to at least some extent. But if you're smart, you'll base your opinions entirely on your man's actions - nothing more and nothing less.

If you don't, you'll spend valuable time waiting and waiting with false hope.

You could also change the situation from one where your man was considering backing away from you to a breakup that is now written in stone - if you make the wrong moves now.

You cannot force a relationship by calling him.

One reason that women want to call men - and are sorely tempted to
call their man when they are not hearing from him--is because women think that by calling him, it will further their connection withhim. It will keep their relationship going. It will make their relationship happen. No calls, no contact = no relationship.

But the problem is that you cannot force a connection and a relationship by making that call, as painful as that can be. Calling him will not make it happen; nor will writing letters or sending emails. The same goes for sending letters, cards,
or emails to your man's friends or family. (Oh, no, there goes another backdoor attempt to sneak our way into his heart - make his family adore us! That will not make him adore us. It may make him want to avoid us even more, since he sees this ploy for what it is.)

...Could there be another explanation for his not calling me?

Dear Mimi,

Could it be that the guy might be interested in a woman, but is
thinking it through when he doesn't reply to her emails or calls?
Should it always mean he isn't interested? --A.

No, that is just plain old wishful thinking. It's an example of the denial women go through when a special man in their lives stops calling them.

When it comes to women, men don't sit around and ponder. They act!

Women sometimes try to interpret an apparent lack of interest as something more positive - in other words, they make excuses for a man's lack of calls. Women who talk themselves into believing that a man is just "thinking things over" are living in a dream world. What's worse, they waste valuable time waiting for the man who is not calling them.

What NOT to do when your man does not call...

...and on that cliffhanger we'll end that excerpt!

I certainly have been receiving wonderful emails from readers,
and I am saving them for sharing here, as always.

With love,
Mimi Tanner

Massage Therapy Is On the Rise

I have a theory it's for the same reason old women go to the hairdresser so often.

Get Ready For Love founder Viveca Stone-Berry offers an incisive take on the subject.

St. Patrick's Day Season Continues

So say the good people at Guinness.

In honor of the season, I offer this bit o' amusement:

How to Lose at Love

I have a friend (let's call him Jimbo) who is a total loser with women. He's not the greatest-looking individual, but he's hardly repellent. He's a kind soul, he's intelligent, and he comes from a good family. He also makes a decent living.

He's also extremely generous, which is his downfall. The minute he comes home from a first date, he calls a florist to send the woman an enormous bouquet of roses. He follows up with gifts of jewelry, and in one extreme case, he bought a woman a car.

The person on the receiving end of this largesse reacts in one of two ways. Either she smells desperation and hits the highway, or she takes him for all he's worth and dumps him. The guy can't win.

Jimbo watches shorter, balder dudes with unfortunate complexions marry and have children, and he decides that God must have it out for him. Nobody (and, believe me, plenty of us have tried) can convince him that it's his clear lack of self-esteem that puts women off.

Certain females suffer from the Jimbo Affliction, too. They kill whatever attraction a man felt for them by buying him gifts too early in the relationship. They anxiously offer to babysit his sister's kids in a sad attempt to show that they're excellent mother material (in which case the guy will be turned off, or worse, he'll figure he's found an excellent slave and propose).

My brother once dated a young woman who made his bed, but he pined for another who didn't know how to cook and didn't care to learn. He came to find the bed-maker about as exciting as an old slipper.

This isn't to say that, if you're dating a person, you shouldn't be kind, help out with children, make a good meal, or buy a lovely present when it's warranted. But being overeager kills love and romance every time.

Everybody wants a prize. The prize has to be you, and not just the things you buy or do.

The Freshness of Ireland Brings Out the Lasses

The new Irish Spring commercial advises men, "Smell like you're worth exploring."

This ad campaign gets my vote for the smartest and funniest since Guinness decided to turn the month of March into St. Patrick's Day Season.

Fatigue Be Gone

I've been on Viveca-Stone Berry's program for two weeks now and have lost three pounds with minimal effort.

I've integrated the changes she recommends into my diet, and I actually enjoy her recipe for Blueberry Oatmeal Energize. She suggests taking a magnesium supplement, as well. I bought the stuff, but I keep forgetting to take it.

Goal For Week: Remember to take magnesium supplement.

My doctor called to reschedule our appointment, so I won't see her until the 10th. When I do, I hope to see an improvement in my triglycerides and LDL!

As for energy, well, I'm crackling with creative ideas. I've started a new short story, and I wrote a speech I'm due to give in a couple of weeks.

I continue to take my afternoon nap, but I'm finding that I'm not able to fall asleep every time.

Women As Pieces of Meat

The April issue of Vanity Fair came in the mail the other day. My 10-year-old objected strenuously to the cover (which features James Gandolfini and David Chase of The Sopranos) and suggested I cancel our subscription.

Dixie Chicks Shut up and Sing Trailer

Child One and I watched this movie last night and loved it. It's a shame the Dixie Chicks had to go to England to exercise their freedom of speech.

'The Best Week Ever' Takes On The Law of Attraction

Watched Best Week Ever on VH1 last night. I just love that show (it repeats today at 11AM ET and 6:30PM ET).

Last night's episode included commentaries on Ann Coulter's attack on John Edwards, Jared Leto's concert injury, and a hilarious bit on The Secret, the DVD about The Law of Attraction that's really very worthwhile, despite what The New York Times and Dr. Gail from Today say about it.

With that in mind, here's a delightful quote from the late Norman Vincent Peale in his life-changing book, The Power of Positive Thinking:

"To change your circumstances, first start thinking differently. Do not passively accept unsatisfactory circumstances, but form a picture in your mind of circumstances as they should be. Hold that picture, develop it firmly in all details, believe in it, pray about it, work at it, and you can actualize it according to your mental image emphasized in your positive thinking."

There's a stark difference between wishful thinking and positive thinking. Wishful thinking requires virtually no effort. Positive thinking requires concentrated effort. Wishful thinking will get you nowhere, but positive thinking--or using The Law of Attraction--will get you everywhere.

So, if there's a guy you like who you think is out of your league, picture yourself being in his league. Picture yourself in his company. Picture him enjoying your company.

Now, if he's dating, married, or engaged to someone else, clearly you should not employ the Law of Attraction to break up his relationship. That would be evil.

But, if the guy's single, he's fair game. Use The Law of Attraction to open opportunities for you to get to know him better. Use it to become the attractive, fun, kind, charismatic person you want to be.

Addiction to Blonde

Why does NBC's Natalie Morales seem to get blonder every morning? She looked gorgeous the way she used to be, which would be brunette. Back off, Producers: The woman's starting to look like tinsel.

I am the lone non-blonde from a family of natural blondes. I can tell a hairdresser doesn't have my best interests at heart when he suggests I go blonde, that I have the perfect "base color" for it, and other nonsense.

Once you go blonde, it's hard to go back, and it requires frequent and expensive maintenance. So, I liken certain hairdressers to crack dealers; once they hook you, you become a new stream of income.

I recently glimpsed a long line of women with gold tresses, all flat-ironed and exactly the same shade, waiting for coffee in a Manhattan deli. I really dislike it when attractive women ruin their looks by joining the Blonde Brigade. I've seen redheads with pink complexions transformed into tomato faces with yellow hair, and I've seen olive-skinned beauties turned beige and boring.

Since I do come from a family of blondes, I hate blonde jokes. Hate them. But, because my family was born that way, fair hair suits them.

As for me, if God wanted me to be a blonde, He would have made me one.

Hooking Up and the Shattering Revelation That Women Enjoy Sex

Right now, media heads are babbling again about how casual sex damages women's bodies, psyches, and their potential to achieve long-term relationships.

It's always about the women. The idea that women are sexual creatures who enjoy sex for its own sake continues to freak out American society even in 2007. As Amber Madison, the author of Hooking Up, rightly pointed out on Today on Monday, many young women are afraid to get into relationships. They've been brought up to believe that men don't want them, so why should they make themselves vulnerable?

They disconnect sex from emotion, which is what a portion of the male sex has done for eons. Society has long assumed (or wanted to assume) that only men are capable of this, but that's dead wrong.

That said, using another human being as your own personal disposable sex toy may have short-term benefits. But whether you're a man or a woman, it's not usually satisfying in the long run.

Take my old friend. We'll call him Bill.

He mastered the art of the hook-up and hardly ever went home alone. We marveled at him. One night, I asked him his secret. He told me, "Hang around, and I'll show you."

His technique involved learning the interests of the evening's potential bedmate. He'd approach her, get her talking, and before long she'd reveal her undying love for The Beatles, The Mets, flyfishing, or whatever.

A newspaper reporter, Bill knew a little about a lot of things and could discuss her passion with the right dose of enthusiasm. Within an hour, she'd found a kindred spirit, and off she went to his bed.

In one case, the woman sent Bill flowers the next day.

But, he later told me that his encounters ultimately left him feeling "empty." He said, "You'd be surprised, Terry, but the sex is never that good, either."

How to Spot and Spurn a Dating Fool

Today reconfigured their website, so the link I referred to in the previous post isn't good, anymore. I can't seem to find the clip at the new url, either.

The New York Times ran a review of a seriously disturbing dating book for men yesterday. The book is called The Method, and it's written by a man who very bravely calls himself "Mystery."

According to The Times, the book advises losers--uh, I mean, men--to:

"Approach a group of women, having identified one of them as your target. Flirt with her friends. When she tries to speak, teasingly put her down (“negging”). After a bit, include her, and throw her a bone or two. [Mystery] calls these “IOI’s” — Indicators of Interest. But then, confuse her with a putdown or two — “IOD’s” (Indicators of Disinterest). If possible, enlist a “pivot” (a female conspirator) to make her jealous. Once you have her attention, subject her to rehearsed patter, then “bounce” her to another location to build “comfort.” Soon, you will be able to bounce her to your love lair."

Men who like, trust, and understand women never try this crap. The Method will become the bible for poor wankers who stay up past their bedtimes to watch Girls Gone Wild commercials on basic cable.

Attract a man who likes, trusts, and understands women.

Women Fear Commitment

Today tackles the subject and makes sense.

Click Today Show, then scroll down and click "Why Women Fear Commitment." You'll have to sit through a 30-second spot for PerfectMatch.com, but it's worth it.

The report is refreshing in comparison to the current issue of Cosmopolitan, which screams pathetically: "Weird Male Behavior Decoded!" and "Things He Thinks During the Deed That You Really, Really Need to Know!"

Who has time for such nonsense?


Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.

Fatigue Be Gone

Like most people, I could use a bit more energy during the day (I've suffered from the 3PM slump since high school). I eat pretty well, exercise four to five days a week (nothing Herculean, mind you; 40 minutes on the treadmill one day and Winsor Pilates the next).

My friend and colleague, Viveca Stone-Berry, suffered from serious fatigue. She sought medical attention, did tons of research, and found relief. She's crackling like a box of Pop Rocks these days and decided to write a how-to book to help other women reclaim their fire.

I got hold of her ebook, Fatigue Be Gone!, and have started her program. Step One meant making an appointment with my internist/cardiologist, something I should have done last August. I'll see her on March 21st.

I've taken care of Viveca's Steps Two and Three, too, which were no big deal. I just had to answer a series of 'yes' or 'no' questions to get a clear picture of my current situation, so that I'll have something to compare it to three weeks from now when I go to the doctor.

Other steps include changing lifestyle habits. Except for avoiding M.D.s, I'm always up for learning new methods to improve my health. Will keep you posted.