Tuesday, March 27, 2007

When the Dude Stops Calling

Mimi Tanner pulls no punches on this subject. Here's an excerpt from her book, Calling Men:

You can certainly judge a relationship by the frequency of phone calls. When you're seeing him as much as you want to; when he's regularly initiating contact; when you feel cherished and appreciated, then you know things are going well.

If the calls start becoming much less frequent - or worse, if the calls completely stop - then you have an entirely different situation on your hands.

Something is definitely wrong. Your man is either losing interest in you, or gaining interest in someone else, or both.

When your man stops calling you and emailing you as he was before, it's a bad feeling. It's also a reality that must be faced and diagnosed accurately, if you want the best chance for restoring the closeness you had with the man you have
been dating. But women often do not want to see their man's behavior for what it is.

Women Tend to Go Into Denial When Their Man Stops Calling


It's very hard to accept the plain and unpleasant fact that this change in your man's calling behavior almost always means he is losing interest in the relationship.

When this happens, women so often say things like, "Things were wonderful between us. Then he stopped calling. What does this mean?"

What does it mean? You won't have to call in the FBI to figure it out.

You'll save yourself precious weeks, months, and years of putting your life on hold if you learn to interpret a man's not calling you (or calling you less) to mean exactly what it does mean: he is moving away from your relationship. Better to face the facts early and plainly, so you can respond in the way that gives you the best chance to keep your relationship with him - if staying with him is what you want.

Otherwise you'll find yourself calling him to ask him the same question, "What does this mean?" Trust me; that will not improve matters! That's not how to handle this situation.

No relationship stands still. It's either getting closer or getting farther apart. Your actions will affect the relationship even now, when his interest seems to be waning.

Judge men's feelings by their actions - whether your man admits that he's losing interest or not.

Your man may not be sure of his feelings just yet. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings or get into a heavy discussion, either. He may also want to hang on to you to at least some extent. But if you're smart, you'll base your opinions entirely on your man's actions - nothing more and nothing less.

If you don't, you'll spend valuable time waiting and waiting with false hope.

You could also change the situation from one where your man was considering backing away from you to a breakup that is now written in stone - if you make the wrong moves now.

You cannot force a relationship by calling him.

One reason that women want to call men - and are sorely tempted to
call their man when they are not hearing from him--is because women think that by calling him, it will further their connection withhim. It will keep their relationship going. It will make their relationship happen. No calls, no contact = no relationship.

But the problem is that you cannot force a connection and a relationship by making that call, as painful as that can be. Calling him will not make it happen; nor will writing letters or sending emails. The same goes for sending letters, cards,
or emails to your man's friends or family. (Oh, no, there goes another backdoor attempt to sneak our way into his heart - make his family adore us! That will not make him adore us. It may make him want to avoid us even more, since he sees this ploy for what it is.)

...Could there be another explanation for his not calling me?

Dear Mimi,

Could it be that the guy might be interested in a woman, but is
thinking it through when he doesn't reply to her emails or calls?
Should it always mean he isn't interested? --A.


No, that is just plain old wishful thinking. It's an example of the denial women go through when a special man in their lives stops calling them.

When it comes to women, men don't sit around and ponder. They act!

Women sometimes try to interpret an apparent lack of interest as something more positive - in other words, they make excuses for a man's lack of calls. Women who talk themselves into believing that a man is just "thinking things over" are living in a dream world. What's worse, they waste valuable time waiting for the man who is not calling them.

What NOT to do when your man does not call...

...and on that cliffhanger we'll end that excerpt!

I certainly have been receiving wonderful emails from readers,
and I am saving them for sharing here, as always.

With love,
Mimi Tanner

4 comments:

Lady LD said...

Just when we were about to learn the answer.....a cliffhanger! Ugh!

Anonymous said...

I just love your advice. There are no words to express my gradification towards your experience behavior, i guess. Thanks again! This is especially wonderful advice for women and teenagers who are just starting to date again after several men were playing the field and never admitting to me, they were there just for sex! Keep it up. I'll be passing through once in awhile, to look around, see what's new. Thanks again~ T

Anonymous said...

Your comments were so refreshing as I find myself in this situation. After four months of dating, the phone calls have stopped. I find myself assuming for him: he is busy with work, he needs time to think, blah, blah, blah. Bottom line, if this guy truly cared for me, he wouldn't just fade away as he had. I just wish my heart got the message. I am left with a terribly sad feeling most likely because there was no closure. It was an invisible ending and I am left with many unanswered questions.

Anonymous said...

Previous anonymous (19:06): I'm in the same situation like yours, especially the sad feeling ... except mine had been 10 months of dating ... take heart - accepting it is quite difficult, but stay strong one day at a time, and you will find that it has been months too, and that you have moved on - hopefully to a more deserving, respectful man.