How She Met a Man Who Makes Her Happy

I'm back from vacation, and what a neat surprise to read Susan Courtad's blog and find a post detailing how she met and started a relationship with her boyfriend of eight months. Lots of inspiration here.

Susan's an attractive, clever, funny single working mother who endured a traumatic divorce, and then some bumps along the dating road.

In addition to her blog, One Woman Show, Susan is shopping around a novel and also writes Dinner for One at the Imperfect Parent.

Sailing Away

DA(A)D will be on hiatus for a little while. The family and I are going to the Caribbean (between just packing and getting the house in order for the sitter, we need a vacation). Hope to have good stuff to tell you when I get back.

In the meantime, I've scheduled a couple of posts for next week to Single Women Rule. Check 'em out and, if you're so inclined, leave a comment.

Love to hear from you!

Chris Brown's Alleged Assault of Rihanna

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Wishing her well. Hope she'll get away and stay away. Once a guy hits, it's time to go.

Too Much Pressure for Valentine's Day?

I'm not wild about Valentine's Day.

I'm not sure why. It's not as if I'm haunted by tragic childhood memories, or anything. Our mother used to buy my siblings and me medium chocolate hearts and set them on our dinner plates. (She set a big one on our father's dinner plate.)

My parents bought each other mushy cards every single year. Sometimes they'd go out and, unbeknownst to the other, buy the same card.

They had a happy marriage all year round, so they hardly needed a commercially-mandated holiday to show their affection. I didn't understand it. Still, you might think I'd develop more respect for the annual day of love and romance.

I just never did.

Maybe it's the TV commercials that imply that if a man doesn't present a woman with just the right token on Valentine's Day, he'll never have sex again. Or the ads that make people who won't be on the receiving end of a gift feel defective (um, I've been there).

Then, there's that dinner thing. I love to go out to eat (and do almost every chance I get), but since I've been in a relationship, I avoid restaurants on Valentine's Day like a sinus infection. Oh, we tried it: wedged into a tiny table in a sea of tiny tables, stuck with an abbreviated menu (magically missing the particular salmon dish I actually wanted to eat), having to endure don't-let-the-door-kick-you-on-the-way-out service.

Nah. We'll eat at home, thanks.

But I have to admit, Peter and I have had decent Valentine's Days, for sure. One of the best on record had us -- pre-children -- making English muffin pizzas before heading to Tower Records with the gift certificates my brother gave us for Christmas. (At the time, we were aggressively saving for our first house.)

We've upgraded from English muffins since then, but by now you've probably figured out that our marriage hardly provides a boost to the diamond industry. Other women feel differently, of course.

I mean, obviously.

And, judging by all the lingerie displays we come across at this time of year, Valentine's Day is also a commercially-mandated day for sex. (This cracks me up.)

But maybe you -- like much of the rest of the population -- really do enjoy Valentine's Day, and you're wondering what the heck to buy that guy of yours. The Today Show reports that lots o' ladies plan to offer frame-worthy photos of themselves in their new lingerie this year.

In Love With a Married Man (Why Won't He Leave His Wife?)

Dear Terry,

I am writing to you out of frustration. I do not know if you would reply my email, but I would like to find a way out of my problem, so I write this email still.

Once, I had a relationship with a married man. However, one day he wanted to break up because he thinks our relationship is wrong and he does not want to make his life complicated. Upon hearing that, I reacted strongly since I love him dearly and I am quite sure he loves me too. I begged, cried, shouted at him. You name it. At first, he still answered my calls and talked to me, though coolly. Nevertheless, one day he asked me not to contact him anymore.

A few months later, his wife sent me a message confronting my relationship with him. I was very shocked because I had never thought he would confess to her. At that time, I was furious at him for not only breaking up with me but also exposing our relationship to his wife. Yet, my fury did not last long. Several days later, I realized that I still love him. This happens all the time I feel angry, even until now.

Becoming another woman is unpopular, so I could not discuss my relationship freely with my friends. There are very few who finally know because I feel I am about to burst keeping this inside my chest for so long. My friends suggest letting him go because he is not worthy and because our relationship is wrong and impossible (our religious belief does not allow divorce). However, deep inside my heart I want him and only him. I love him and only him. That is why I ignore my friends' suggestions and practice affirmation.

I have been practicing affirmation for about 1 year with no clear results. It is difficult to keep on practicing (and I do easily discouraged) when the facts are not favourable towards me (Honestly, I should say that things spiraled down afterwards) and my friends do not support me (I hate when they tell me to move on). I could not picture myself with another but I don't know how to get back with him. I have tried every way possible and acceptable for me, but still no results.

This problem has really clipped my spirit and robbed my peace of mind that it starts affecting my work and my social relations. Do you have any suggestion whatsoever? Thank you so much, at least for reading this far.

-In Love

Dear In Love,

I am so sorry about the unhappiness and frustration you're feeling.

Here is the truth: The man left the relationship, and no effort (mental, emotional, or physical) can bring him back. He is gone to you.

Affirmations work in drawing the right person to you; you specify the qualities you want in a man. You don't specify which particular man you want because that person may not be the right one for you. And a married man just isn't.

Have you ever thought about what it would really be like if he fulfilled your fantasy and left his wife for you? Over time, would his guilt over the situation cause him to resent you? Would your guilt cause you to resent him? Would you worry that because he left one woman for you, he would one day leave you for another woman?

It doesn't matter if he loves you, or if he doesn't. He knows the relationship is wrong, and he can't live with it. He's not going to live with it.

You say you love him and can't picture yourself with anyone else. You are living in a self-imposed prison when you deserve to be free and happy.

Let yourself get used to the fact that this man isn't coming back. Accept it. Let it hurt. And then you can start to feel better. Since you can't picture yourself with anyone else, don't. You're not ready yet.

You need time on your own. Spend time taking very good care of yourself, doing the things you liked doing before this man entered the picture. Treat yourself as you would a beloved child. Before long, the curtain will lift and the sun will filter in, and you'll feel your first glimmer of happiness.

Please take me seriously. You need to take steps to reclaim your life, or you'll wake up five years from now, still stuck but sadder and older.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I wish you the very best.

Terry

Unrequited Love Hurts No Matter How Old -- or Young -- You Happen to Be

Hey, Terry!

Thank you for all your amazing emails! Really, they've helped me a lot! Even though I'm just a teenager, I go through all that bullsh*t guys and men give us, and I hate being used and taken advantage of.

But I have another issue, and its one-sided love. I've loved a guy for almost 8 years, ever since we were little kids, and we grew up together. He acted like he loved me back, and he would always ask me to do everything for him, and I did and he never said thank you or showed any kind of appreciation, and I feel really bad because I know he used me, and all that love I've had for him for such a long time was for nothing. But I moved on, I think....

I mean I stopped doing things for him and even talking to him, and now he's in a relationship with someone. I can't stand it! I just hate seeing them walk together or hold hands. And the thing is I can't love anyone else but him. I don't know why. Maybe its because I'm so used to loving him? Please help me! I'm so depressed.

-Sick of it

Dear Sick of it-

The guy you describe sounds like an opportunist. That doesn't change the fact that you care for him, but I suspect that one of these days you'll realize he was never worthy of your affection in the first place. You'll run into him on the street and think, "What the heck was I thinking?"

In the meantime, you're in pain. The best way to get over it is to let yourself feel it. Then write down a list of the things you didn't like about this guy (come on; you know there were at least two). We tend to attribute all sorts of glowing qualities to the objects of our affection, especially when they're with someone else, but the truth is nobody is perfect. And this guy certainly isn't.

Every time his face wafts into your mind, whip out that list and remind yourself how annoying he could be at times.

And, instead of beating yourself up because he didn't choose you, consider the possibility that he did you a favor. He's somebody else's problem now. Also consider the possibility that time wounds all heels; perhaps someday someone will use him the way he used you. (Hate to sound vindictive, but it really is critical to treat others as you would have them treat you. Apparently, nobody told him.)

You know what they say: What goes around, comes around. Karma's a bitch. And, as my mother used to say, "Life has a way of catching up with people."

Treat yourself kindly. Write down a list of the things you like about yourself. Write a list of the things other people like about you, as well. Read it every time you start to feel down.

Consider the fact that you have a great deal to offer the boy or man who will be lucky enough to catch you.

What Are You Afraid Of?

So many of us want the relationship, but we're afraid of being abandoned, hurt, smothered, or bored. We want the success, but we're afraid of how it'll change us -- and the people around us. We want to drop the weight, but we're afraid of the attention it'll bring or the jealousy it'll inspire.

Get Ready For Love's Viveca-Stone Berry tackles fear in her first newsletter after a long hiatus, during which she became a kind of lay expert on migraine headaches (she's since helped herself and her husband -- also a sufferer-- ease the pain considerably).

This issue includes links to fear-piercing advice from Trust Your Vibes author Sonia Choquette and Rich Dad, Poor Dad's Robert T. Kiyosaki.

Check it out here.

A Dating Site You Might Want to Check Out

At a networking meeting, an attractive, educated entrepreneur I like and respect mentioned she'd had some success on a dating site called PlentyOfFish.com. She reported the site allowed her to be a little more specific about weeding out undesirables than other sites she'd tried.

I checked it out. Turns Plenty of Fish is a free dating site. According to the owner, "Our success rate, matching algorithms and technology is unmatched. At 26 my algorithms and their results were cited in the Nobel Prize of Mathematics (Fields Medal) paper...We are about 5 times larger than any paid site, you will get more messages and interest here than all paid dating sites combined."

All right. It sounds good.

I did a quick search of men looking for long-term relationships and came across a profile for a lovely (and fit and attractive) man in our neighborhood who divorced a couple of years ago. So, I'll attest there's at least one decent guy there. (My friend from the networking meeting would probably say there's at least one more.)

Check it out.

I know you don't need me to tell you this, but I'm going to say it anyway: If you're going to date someone you meet online, please do it in a public place until you're sure the guy isn't wanted in three states.

Is She Being Too Friendly?

Hello Terry,

I get your emails and find them informative. This may help other women experiencing the same thing I am experiencing:

I'm the new (been here 5 years now but nothing has changed no matter what I do...running out of ideas) single woman in the cul-de-sac.

Despite being friendly to everyone:

-bought and carried 200 tulip bulbs from Amsterdam for married neighbour no.1
-beautifully bagged 2 baby outfits with a card and large teddy bear for married neighbour no.2 right after their baby was born--handed it to the wife with congrats--and never saw anything on the child.
-baked welcome cookies and presented them to new married neighbour no.3
-presented cookie platter to married neighbour no.4 for Christmas with a card and thanking her son for removing snow from the front of my house.

You get the idea. It's not reciprocated at all.

Anyway, pretty much I am being friendly, but the women are a nightmare. They seem to think I want their husbands even though, since I have been here, I have had two very fit, handsome, and steady boyfriends.

I am writing this mail because a woman was walking a small dog in the cul-de-sac, whom I had never seen before so I politely asked her which house they belonged to. She pointed it out and I said, "Oh, the Christmas house" (they have nice decorations. I have nice decorations too).

And she asked where I live so I also pointed it out. Her response was: "Oh, you say hello to my husband." So, I replied "I say hello to whoever happens to be outside, and you are the first female I have seen outside this house."

End of conversation. She went inside.

Any thoughts?

-Good Neighbor

Hi, Neighbor-

This is a tough one. It's unfortunate your efforts at being friendly went unappreciated.

In the future, I'd wave and smile at your neighbors, but let it go at that. Since the beautiful gifts you brought went unacknowleged, I'd think twice about extending myself too much the next time a new family moves in. Again, wave and smile, but keep moving. When you come across a husband, definitely wave, smile, and keep moving.

From now on, let your neighbors seek you out. I wouldn't initiate conversations. If one of the women says to you, "You say hello to my husband," make a point of being casual and responding, "Yes, I do. I've always admired the way you decorate your house, and you seem like a very nice couple. Well, I'd better run now," and be off.

This bland response will ensure you don't come off sounding defensive. You'll have complimented her twice -- about her taste and seeming like a nice couple. She probably won't argue with you.

Nobody knows what goes on in these people's houses, so it's possible the women's lack of friendliness has nothing at all to do with you. Spend your time cultivating friendships with people who have better manners.

-Terry

The Secret to Love

While scratching around Netflix for movies to fill out my queue, I came upon a movie I'd heard about once and never again, entitled Broken English by Zoe Cassavetes. The DVD arrived in the mail 10 days ago, and I finally got around to watching it yesterday. I'm glad I did.

Netfix bills it as a romantic comedy, but it's a pretty intense story about an unhappily single woman in New York (played so convincingly by Parker Posey I found myself clutching my stomach), who's under pressure to marry and hasn't a decent prospect in sight. She hates her job. She pretty much hates her life.

She goes on a couple of sorry dates, which are depicted all too realistically (most of us have met jerks like the ones she goes out with). And then, just when she's had it, a co-worker convinces her to attend a party. She walks in, sizes it up as a loser fest, and heads for the door.

On her way out, she tries to avoid an introduction to the person who will change her beliefs about herself and life in general. But she can't avoid him. He will not be avoided.

And then, the story takes her to Paris, where a stranger gives her the secret to love.

This movie hits the mark. I highly recommend it.

Check out the trailer here.

Meeting Men You Can Click With

Hi, Terry-

Let's start with this......YOU'RE AMAZING!! I recently ordered your e-book via Mimi Tanner and cannot say enough good things. Truly inspirational. In it you mention getting out of the house often so as to open yourself up to new and numerous opportunities to meet great men. Other than sports bars, which I'm not really crazy about, where do you recommend going? I have tried the bookstores cafes but have only come across men who are not my type.

Thank you so much for your insightful and motivational stories and tips! Keep them coming!!!

Best,

K.


Hi, K-

Thanks for writing and for the very kind words.

The most important step of all in meeting the right man is listing the qualities you want in him and dwelling on them (but not obessing) via affirmation and visualization. After a little while, you'll find yourself getting little hunches to call a friend or to go to a certain place or do something else. Your subconscious will begin to nudge you in new directions.

A great way to open your social circle (and it's really more important to open your circle than to focus exclusively on meeting new men -- each new person you meet could be a source of additional social opportunities) is to have a party and invite your guests to bring along a friend (not everyone will take you up on the bring-along part, but some probably will). You'll meet new people, and you'll probably find yourself being invited to other parties or gatherings afterwards.

A good friend of mine did this and met his wife at one of his own parties. He loves to cook, took a cooking class (and made a few friends but didn't meet anyone special), and threw a series of parties. His future wife showed up at the third party with a mutual friend.

If you're not comfortable in sports bars, you're probably right to avoid them. You want to meet men you click with. If all the people who say they enjoy "long walks on the beach" actually took them, they'd meet each other, fall in love, and online dating sites would become obsolete.

So definitely do the things that make you happy, even if it means joining a knitting group and sitting around with a bunch of women. Who knows? One of those women may turn out to be the mother or sister or friend of the man who becomes your husband.

Oh, and happy women attract men!

Terry

P.S. As I write this President-Elect Barack H. Obama is approaching his seat at his inauguration, and the crowd is going wild!

Bret Michaels' Love Bus

Although my eyeballs were glued to VH1's Rock of Loves One and Two, I've been watching the third installment, Rock of Love Bus, halfheartedly.

Everything about the show is kind of sad and desperate, starting with its "star," Bret Michaels. He's less attractive every time I see him, and it has nothing to do with his age. The man has the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old.

I'm always more interested in the women who subject themselves to his predictability and ego and sheer boringness on these shows, anyway. I was happy, for example, to see Destiney of ROL2 develop the confidence to start a clothing line on the spin-off, Rock of Love Charm School , which starred Sharon Osbourne, who is infinitely more compelling than Bret Michaels.

I wondered what happened to Daisy, the ROL2 contestant who infuriated Bret when he discovered she shared living quarters with an ex-boyfriend (one of the more annoying things about this self-appointed rock star is that he insists his women be into him and only him, while he is allowed to be into everything and anything that wriggles).

According to VH1, Daisy's on deck to star in her own reality show, Daisy of Love. Could be entertaining.

A Vaccine to Forget Him?

New York Times writer John Tierney announced the other day that it may not be long before a drug is developed to make the object of your affection fall in love with you. Tierney had an even better idea: a vaccine designed to prevent one from falling in love, or from making "an infatuated ass" of him or herself.

Tierney contacted the neuroscientist, Larry Young, who authored the essay about the possibility of the love potion to find out if the anti-love potion was merely his own personal pipe dream. Dr. Young assured him that a love vaccine could indeed be in our futures.

Tierney rejoiced:

"Could any discovery be more welcome? This is what humans have sought ever since Odysseus ordered his crew to tie him to the mast while sailing past the Sirens. Long before scientists identified neuroreceptors, long before Britney Spears’ quickie Vegas wedding or any of Larry King’s seven marriages, it was clear that love was a dangerous disease."

What do you think? Would you slip a drug in a man's drink to make him fall in love with you?

Would you slip a drug in your own drink to prevent you from falling in love with him?

Imagine a scenario where a woman has been wronged and takes a love vaccine to stop hurting, and then drugs her ex to make him fall in love with her and start hurting?

Methinks these pharmeceuticals could be very, very dangerous.

She Wants a Man Who Doesn't Love the Couch

Dear Terry-

I recently purchased your book and the teleseminar that was offered on Mimi Tanner's email list. It was very good.

I am a 52-year-old woman, and I do not look my age. Many people have told me this…so ok it is what it is. I have included a picture of myself, so that you can see what I mean. It is my desire to get married again.

I have been divorced for almost three years. I am interested in marrying a gentleman with many of the same qualities you noted, but I need one more. I want a gentleman that is like me and takes care of himself physically. What I have found is that most gentlemen in the age group I am considering (45 – 55) don’t tend to take good care of themselves physically. As a result, they also tend not to be very active.

Therefore, I am having trouble formalizing the affirmation I'll use to attract the right man. Would you please give me some feedback?

“I am happily married to a man that is handsome, loyal, loving, generous, family oriented, kind, fun. My husband is successful and physically fit and youthful.”

Thank you for your help.

-No Slouch

Dear No Slouch-

Wow. You are good-looking.

I recently received a letter from a woman who affirmed that her dream man be a friend of Tom Cruise, and she met and fell in love with a man who happened to know Tom Cruise. (It never occurred to me to write an affirmation about ties to a celebrity, so this surprised even me.) Just goes to show that anything is possible.

The thing is, you may not have come across many fit men in the age range you desire, but they surely exist. Your affirmation is perfect the way you worded it. When you visualize this man, perhaps you would mentally brush your hand against the bit of bicep pressed against his starched white shirt. Bring to mind the physical evidence of the qualities you desire and mentally smell them, hear them, see them, touch them, and taste them.

I hope this helps.

Terry

She's Right. There is Something Very Wrong With Him

Dear Terry-

I have been dating this guy for 3 months, and maybe it's my imagination, but I think there is something wrong with him.

This began a 2 weeks after we started seeing each other. He started criticizng the kind of music I listened to and told me what to listen to, and I listened to him (big mistake!).

Then he told me how to wear my hair. One time he even made me take out the braids I did just for his birthday. I was deeply hurt! He started acting obsessive, calling me 10 times a day, telling me that if I left him he would kill himself, and that was only one month into the relationship. When I didn't answer my phone calls, he would be very angry at me, and if I didn't even answer my cell phone fast enough, he would also be angry.

I love the theatre, and he works at a theatre (the one that I go to every weekend), and that is where we met. I am a very friendly person, and I talk to everyone, but he does not like it when I talk to people. One time he pulled me by the arm and told me never to speak to a friend of mine he works with because he does not like him.

He even told me to start going to the gym and called me fat. I was very upset about it, and he did not understand why I was. It was very upsetting. I recently sent him a message (3 days ago), telling him that I needed space, and he called me the next day and pretended like he did not get it.

I hung up on him, and now he is calling my friend asking her for my physical address. I don't know what to do. I am scared. Please help me!!

-Scared

Dear Scared-

Hello-

It is not your imagination. There is something very wrong with this guy.

The behavior you describe is typical of an abuser. Do not allow your friend to give this individual your address.

In the meantime, Looking For My Sister lists a number of warning signs that will confirm that your instincts are on the mark. Click here to read them. The National Domestic Violence website is another excellent source of information. Click here.

Please contact your local domestic violence hotline for guidance immediately. (I found this resource for South Africa. I hope it helps.)

Keeping you in my thoughts,
Terry

The Bargain Basement of Internet Dating?

While trolling the Internet this morning, I came across a pretty cool story about a journalist who met her boyfriend on Craigslist, of all places. The author, Vidya Rao, says that while the site is often considered "the bargain basement of Internet dating," she developed a deep and lasting passion for it.

Craigslist became for her the source of not only a good boyfriend but also of apartments in Boston and New York and a whole bunch of furniture. Read the story here.

He Didn't Keep His Word

Have been corresponding with a guy for nearly a year on one of those social utility sites ( Facebook!)..he lives in a different state, but visited my city recently on his way to visit his parents for Christmas.

We met for dinner..which ended with our spending the night together..and him saying he wanted to see me again on his return.

Never to be heard from again!

I am feeling as if I want to delete him from my FB friends list..I am feeling hurt that he didn't have the courtesy to let me know he would not be keeping his word...

What would you do, Terry?

-S.

Dear S.-

Has this guy updated his Facebook page in the past few days?

If so, he's still alive, and there's really no excuse for his not keeping his word. And if he's alive, I agree with you: It would probably be best to delete him from your list of friends because his behavior has been decidedly unfriendly.

I don't blame you for being hurt.

If you keep him on your friends list, you may be tempted to check his page every so often to see what he's up to. That'll only keep the disappointment fresh in your mind.

If you're afraid of being too hasty, I'd give him until Thursday to get back to you (two weeks to the day after Christmas). If he doesn't come through by then, I'd definitely delete him.

If he does manage to contact you in the meantime, I'd approach cautiously. He'd need a major excuse to make him worth your while (something along the lines of a death in the family or an illness). I don't think highly of people who make promises and disappear. Do you?

Another Widower Question

This is a response to an anonymous comment I found on Dating a Widower. I'm responding here because I don't like the idea of anybody being frightened ever, let alone on New Year's Eve:

Now I'm really frightened. My "friend" lost his wife of 25 years after a long illness. She died 4 months ago also. Stan and I knew each other for years before she died, and I actually went to school with her and liked her very much. Russ and I have been dating for only a month, but it seems like the relationship is moving along in a nice way. We talk about his wife often, and I am very comfortable with it and his feelings. I have asked him several times if he thought he were emotionally ready to date since it's only been such a short time.

His reply was that when his wife was diagnosed with cancer 2.5 years ago his marriage changed, that he became her partner, care giver, support system. That he has been grieving the loss of his marriage for all that time. Russ and his wife had a good marriage and I have no doubt would have been married forever had she not have died. Maybe I am fooling myself, but when we talk about her it seems very natural, healthy, Russ talks about everything, not like she was just a saint, but the not so great things about their marriage too. We laugh and we get sad.

Russ says that some people don't understand that he isn't openly grieving, but that they don't understand about the greiving he has done for so long. When she was sick and I would run in to Russ, he would talk to me about her and the things they were going through at home, trust me he was grieving. I guess what I'm asking is, can he really be ready to be in an exclusive relationship, or am I to look forward to the backing in, backing out times, do I quit seeing him and give him the public grieving time he really doesn't want? Be his friend? Geezzz I'm so confused now after reading the other blogs. Please help me.


You know what, Anonymous? He says he's ready. He's acting like he's ready. Maybe he really is ready.

The tricky thing about relationships (whether you're dating a widower or not) is that there are never any guarantees. Not for me, not for you, not for Brad Pitt. Some relationships work out and some of them don't.

There's some comfort in that.

So far this man has given you no reason to doubt him, so enjoy yourself. Take things day by day. See what happens.

Best wishes for a fabulous new year filled joy, health, and prosperity.

He Says He's Been Hurt and Won't Commit

Hi Terry,

I met this man four months ago and we hit it off right away. He was married for 20 years, and then got into a four year relationship four months after the divorce. His wife left him for another man, and the four year relationship broke his heart also.

Anyway, he would not ever make the commitment to me. He kept saying, I'm not sure I have the feelings I should have for you, it should just be there. The next minute he says, he's been hurt so bad he doesn't know if he can ever fall in love again. When he says he wants to stop seeing me, a few days or a week later, he emails to tell me he misses me and he thinks about me all the time.

This last time he emailed me he said that he was in a committed relationship but wasn't happy and thought about me all the time, this is after we hadn't seen each other for a month, so we got together again and he was in love with me and going to let the other relationship go to pursue a relationship with me.

That lasted a week and now he says he's not sure he has the feelings he should have for me and he doesn't for the other lady either, and he's confused. He has not left the other lady yet he says because of the holidays, and they had plans, but he was going to right after the holidays. After talking for awhile, he says that I'm right, he's just confused and he wants to give us a chance now and he's going to commit to do that.

Is this the behaviour of a man that has been hurt so badly that he can't commit and may never be able to love again, as he says?

In the last two and a half years, he has gone from one relationship to another. I think he loves me and that scares him, and that if he would just give us a chance, he would overcome the fear and be happy. What do you think? Is there any advice you can give me to help him move forward in his life?

Thank you.

K.-

Dear K.-

You sound like a nice person. You sound like a nice person who does not deserve to be treated like a ping-pong ball days before Christmas.

You are allowing this man to call all the shots in your relationship. He is taking very good care of himself, thank you, while you're left wondering how you can help him.

He says he's going to dump the other woman he's dating after the holidays. Wow. What a guy. He doesn't want to break plans with her, so he'll continue to let her think things are progressing happily between them, and then BAM! Happy 2009!

Put yourself in her place.

But he's confused, poor boy, and so we're all supposed to rally around him and help him figure things out. And the one who manages to convince him that she truly understands him--will never hurt him-- will be the winner. She'll get the prize!

HIM!

Except if you stand back and look closely, he may not be much of a prize. You said it yourself: In the past couple of years, he's gone from one relationship to the other. His wife left him for another man. Okay, maybe she was a heartless witch, or maybe-- just maybe--she wasn't. (There are two sides to every story.) Then he dated another woman for four years, and she broke his heart.

Why is everybody breaking this guy's heart? Seems to me he's out breaking everybody else's.

In the end, you can't convince anybody you're the one for him. You can't help him move on with his life. He has to do it for himself.

WHAT YOU CAN DO is come to terms with the fact that you deserve better than this. You shouldn't have to spend the holidays wondering if and when this guy is going to lower the boom on the other woman and come back to you.

(Because even if he did, do you really want to be looking over your shoulder, wondering when he's going to do it to you?)

The next time he calls you and tells you he's thinking about you all the time, tell him to keep thinking. Because you've moved on.

Let this be your mantra:

I DESERVE BETTER. I DESERVE BETTER. I DESERVE BETTER.

I CAN DO BETTER!

Because you can.

Banish this individual from your mind. Spend your time with people who support you and make you feel good about yourself. By all means, steer clear of small-minded creeps who make you feel defective because you're not in a committed relationship.

Treat yourself as you would a beloved child.

Merry Christmas. I'm saying a big prayer for you and wishing you all the very best. Here's to a happy, prosperous, and blessed 2009 filled to the brim with a love that never, ever makes you wonder.

Dating a Widower at Christmas

Hi Terry,

I am one of your readers who's come across a tough dating issue.

I am single. I met a man 18 years older than me. His wife just passed away less than one year ago. We seemed to be getting along well, dating, taking dance lessons twice a week, and occasionally having sex.

Recently, his attitude suddenly changed. He wrote me an email, which I'd like you to help me understand. Is there any hidden meaning here? Should we stop dating? Or is it just a song?

Here are the contents of the email:

"(As the song goes....Que Sera Sera.....Whatever Will Be Will Be......who are we to choose ?...... that is something for GOD to decide and I don't think anyone can interfere.......)."

Thank you very much in advance.

-C.

Hello, C.-

Usually, it takes more than a couple of months to get over the death of a spouse, so I'm going to guess that your dance partner hit the ballroom before he was emotionally ready to do so.

Sometimes after a person's spouse dies, well-meaning friends advise them to "get out there" and "keep busy" before they've had a chance to process the loss. I'm not a bereavement counselor, but I do know that after my mother died, my father and the rest of us had a rough time facing that first year of birthdays and holidays without her.

So, here we are a couple of days before Christmas, and your friend's attitude has suddenly changed. He and his wife used to spend Christmas together, and he will wake up this year without her. The emotions he'd been suppressing by "getting out there" are coming to a head.

That's not to say I like the "Que Sera" email. Whatever will be will be, and while the future is not ours to see, you certainly have the right to choose whether or not you will continue to be this man's dance partner.

I don't know whether he wants to stop dating. I don't know if he even knows. I do know that it usually takes more than a few months to get over the death of a spouse (I'm repeating myself, but this is important).

If I were you, I'd treat this man kindly, but I wouldn't let him call the shots. You might meet him for fewer dance lessons (or none at all). You might keep your options open and date other people.

I would definitely cut out the sex.

It appears he's asking for space, so by all means give it to him. But give yourself the love, care, and consideration you deserve. Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered.

He's taking care of himself. Please take care of yourself.