A Flirting Tip For Women Who Feel Too Vulnerable to Flirt

I loved this quick, helpful post from Single Mom Seeking, Rachel Sarah. In it, she shares a baby step she took to find love after two years of being a solo parent. Check it out here.

She writes about how she dipped her toe back into the romance pool by flirting with men who worked behind counters. She felt vulnerable. Barriers made her feel safe. Eventually, she got bolder, met the right man, and fell in love.

She offers excellent perspective on that in another post, 'Why Love is Possible.'

When a Man Says This...

Very often I receive emails from women who've just heard one of the following statements from a man they thought they had a future with:

"I love you, but I don't think we should see each other anymore."

or

"I have feelings for you, but I'm not ready for a relationship."

or (my personal favorite)

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

These and similar idiotic statements leave the hearer dumbfounded. I mean, what do they really mean? A woman is left to wander the planet trying to decipher exactly what the poor fool was trying to communicate.

She asks her friends. She asks her mother. She consults a psychic. She lies awake at night trying to figure it all out.

And she comes to this conclusion:

HE MUST REALLY LOVE ME! HE LOVES ME! AS LONG AS HE LOVES ME(AND HE DOES; HE SAID HE DID!), I KNOW I CAN MAKE HIM COME AROUND. HE LOVES ME!!! I CAN AND MUST CONVINCE HIM WE BELONG TOGETHER!

Here's the thing, though. She can't, you can't, and I can't convince anyone of anything. If a man says he can't see you for any reason, take him at his word and move on. Forget any proclamations of 'love' or 'feelings' or 'wonderful times' together.

Move on.

Now, if you're telling yourself this kind of thing always happens to you, you're born under a bad sign, you're unlucky in love, I suggest you look at it this way:

The guy did you a favor (in a cowardly and unbecoming way). He's not for you. Be open to the very real possibility that a man who knows what he wants (you) is out there, hoping to meet you, and ready to do whatever it takes to love you and make you happy.

Say:

I was born under a very good sign.

Things happen for a reason.

I am lucky in love.

And repeat these statements often. Ask yourself, how does it feel to be lucky in love, for instance? How would you act? How would you think? How would you carry yourself?

Guess what? The more you say it and feel it, the sooner your subconscious will accept it and go to work on attracting the love you want and deserve.

(For more on this vitally important subject, check out Keysha Whitaker's piece on affirmations by clicking here.

Now, go for it. Because why would you ever accept anything less?

She Wants to Get Him Out of Her Head

Hi, Terry-

I have been struggling to get out of a relationship that is going nowhere with a man who I know in my heart can't commit. I am relocating thousands of miles away, but the situation is killing me.

Trying to move on and let go. Can you help?

-Set Me Free

Dear Set-

Really sorry about this. Great about the physical move, but I don't have to tell you it's critical to get him out of your head, too.

Since we tend to idealize people we're in love with, It will really help to think about habits, traits, speech patterns, or clothing he might have worn that annoyed you. Blow those things up in your mind. Think about them often.

Here's an example: I was crazy in love with this very successful, handsome Wall Street banker. One night we were talking, and it became clear to me that he didn't know that Cairo was the capital of Egypt. For some reason, it bothered me, but I chose to forget about it.

After we broke up, that little detail helped me every time I was on the verge of building him up in my head as the man who could never be replaced. Sure, he wore nice suits, but who doesn't know that Cairo is the capital of Egypt?

Maybe your guy had questionable breath, had a hobby that bugged you, was rude to your friends, or something else. Maybe he wore baseball caps in restaurants (a big peeve of mine). The guy was not perfect. Use that to your advantage. Write down things about him that annoyed you and bring them to mind any time you're tempted to fantasize about him or the relationship.

Also, while I've never used EFT to get over a guy (I did use it to get over the trauma of my mother's death, and the resulting insomnia), I understand it's helpful in getting over a broken heart. Try emofree.com and put 'breakup' or 'broken heart' in the search engine for free info.

WARNING, WARNING:

Even though some people resist commitment, they still want to stay on your radar. If the guy starts texting or calling you 'just to say hi,' and that kind of nonsense, it's in your best interest to discourage that. The sooner you get him off your brain, the freer and happier you'll be.

I hope this helps. Congratulations on your move thousands of miles away!

Very best wishes,
Terry

How to Instantly Turn Him Off

Aside from women who immediately slip cell phones on restaurant tables, men complain about women with chips on their shoulders.

Sure, a lot of of us have been burned (let's face it, a lot of men have been burned, too), and we don't want to get fooled again, but when we interrogate a guy about his past (as opposed to keeping our eyes and ears open and gently getting to know him over time), it's a total turn-off.

Ask yourself: How would you like it if you dated a man, and he went on about how "all women do this," and "well, that's the way you women are," and, "Why did you break up with your last boyfriend? Didn't he make enough money for you?"

Nobody likes to be treated like a user or foreign species. We're all human, so approach a new man as you would a potential new friend. Take the pressure off.

Does this mean that the guy isn't out for himself? Isn't a total creep? A player?

Of course not. He may very well be a creep and a player, but, again, keep your eyes and ears open. Do his actions match his words, for example? Is he checking out every woman who walks through the door?

No need to interrogate. Watch.

The last thing you want to do is turn off a loving, loyal, passionate, successful, fun guy because you've been burned before.

I mean, who hasn't been?

Should She Reconnect With the One She Let Get Away?

Hello, Terry!

I was rereading your book today and must say, I love it every time. Your inspiration always rings true. Well, that coupled with the sentimental nature of the season, I find myself wondering if I should revisit a past love.

I was victim of my own game of playing (too) hard to get. With that, I now think I drove away a really great guy. I'm wondering, would it be silly to send him a short "Happy New Year" text? I do have his email but only via the dating site we met on. Naturally, I don't want to look needy, but I do think there was enough there to at least try reconnecting. I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this one. Thanks Terry!

All the best,
K.


Dear K.-

I don't think it would hurt to send a quick text. If he responds, great. See where it goes. If he doesn't, allow yourself to move on. He's not the only pebble on the beach.

Happy 2010!

Terry