Wednesday, March 17, 2010

He's Divorced, Or So He Says

Dear Terry,

I love your letters! They help navigate us through a maze of confusion! I have been dating a man for almost a year. He has told me he loves me and wants to marry me. He is the man of my dreams.

Recently, I was devastated because I found out his divorce is not final. His wife has been living with another man for many (30+) years. They started the divorce proceedings several years ago but have not finalized the financial aspect of it.

Whenever I would ask him when he got divorced, he'd always be fuzzy about his answer. I asked him to see the divorce decree and he said all right. I finally pinned him down, and he had to admit that LEGALLY the divorce is not final. He says that, for all practical purposes, he considers himself divorced. I feel like he has been dishonest with me, but he says he does not feel that way because he'd always tell me the financial part was not final. Why couldn't he just tell me, "No. I am not legally divorced." Am I being too picky?


Dear Bewildered:

For "all practical purposes" he considers himself divorced. He says he wants to marry you, but surely he is aware that he cannot marry you until the legal system views him that way.

Do I think you're being too picky?

I most certainly do not. I know you have deep feelings for this man, but I implore you to think seriously about furthering a relationship with a person who can't tell the truth about something as simple as his marital status.

Ask yourself, what had he to gain by lying to you about this little detail? Ask yourself, what else is he capable of lying about?

Please think about this. A healthy relationship depends on trust. You deserve the truth.


Anonymous said...

>>but he says he does not feel that way because he'd always tell me the financial part was not final. Why couldn't he just tell me, "No. I am not legally divorced."

Did you ask him this question ? - " Why couldn't you just tell me you're not legally divorced, instead of telling the financial part isn't over ?

Anyways, you're not being picky. You're being intelligent.Be proud of yourself for that.

I've been with more than one man who lied about maintaining contacts with their ex'es saying they broke up.But they sometimes saw them behind my back.When I found out, I just walked out.Never looked back again, even if it's called "picky" by the world, I wouldn't care.

Because ultimately I cannot be happy with a person who can't be honest about his relationship status.No matter if it's 1 month or 12 months, I'd not be able to respect or trust that person.

Any relationship has 3 building blocks.Trust, Respect and Communication. If one of these fail,the relationship has no future.

Seems like you're disappointed 'coz you saw all three in this guy. I'd run for the hills.

Anonymous said...

>>For "all practical purposes" he considers himself divorced.

Did you ask him what those "practical purposes" are.

I'm guessing they're getting a girl to hang out with everyday, to feel relation-shipy giving promises of commitment to make a girl stay with him, but not committing to his gf ( 'coz he may not may not get that divorce for financial reasons).

You really deserve better girl ! Good Luck !