Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Should You Move In With Him?

Hi, Terry,

I was just wondering what your advice would be about under what circumstances it is okay to move in with someone?

-Thinking About It

Dear Thinking:

I have mixed feelings about living together, really.

Part of me gets the 'try before you buy' theory; live with a guy so you know exactly what you're getting before you bind yourself for life to him. The other part of me says you're better off keeping your own place and just doing your very best to get to know him before you tie the knot (if that's even your goal; we'll go into that in a minute). Let time do its job. Keep your eyes and ears open. Be truthful with yourself.

Know that the qualities a man displays before you marry him will only become increasingly apparent after you marry him. All of us -- men and women -- are on our best behavior when we're dating, so figure if a man's selfish now, he's only going to get worse later. Conversely, if he's kind and generous and funny now, he's probably going to be all those things later.

You don't have to live together to know that a guy who snaps at a waitress is probably one of these days going to snap at you. Or that a guy who flips out when he can't remember where he parked his car might harbor a few anger issues.

The danger of living together (in my view; others may disagree) before you're married is that it can take some of the fun out of actually getting married. In other words, you've already got a microwave and sex has become seriously routine. I've read about people who try to mitigate the problem of too much familiarity by establishing a no-sex rule weeks or months prior to the wedding, but that seems to me jarring and weird. And then there are those instances where the man or the woman no longer even sees the point of getting married: Things are fine the way they are, they figure, so why rock the boat?

Again, to some women (and men) it's important to see exactly what they're signing on for, so they opt to live together. But there are women who move in with the goal of convincing a man that she's going to be his perfect wife. She immediately takes on what she perceives as wifely duties (i.e., cooking, cleaning, ironing, changing the sheets, taking care of his dry cleaning, and so on). It drives me nuts.

It's a lot of unnecessary work.

So, if you're thinking about moving in with someone, know what your goal is. Do you want to get to know a man well enough to make sure he's the right one? If so, could you be better off doing that while maintaining your own turf?

If you're in it mainly for sex and reducing your expenses, make sure he's in it for the same thing, so that he doesn't get hurt. Be open to the possibility he's in it for sex and reducing expenses. If he is, and you're hoping for something more, be fair to yourself and stay in your own apartment.

If you see living together as a step toward marriage, know that it indeed could be a step toward it. Then again, it very well may not. If you want to get married, be open to the possibility that you still may still be living together without a formal commitment five years from now.

I have a good friend who lived with a woman for 15 years, and then learned she'd been seeing other guys all along. He moved on and, after dating a woman who shares his values for just nine months, exchanged rings with her. They've been married for seven years.

I hope I've been clear, and I certainly hope this helps.

Thanks for writing.



Anonymous said...

Terry, I agree with you. I always turn these scenarios around to see the situation from my own perspective. For instance,,If I am in love with a man I have been dating a while..I am in love with him..right? and if I am in love with him and want to marry him..nothing will change my mind about how I feel. I love him and want to be with him..regardless. Do I need to live with him first, just in case I dont like the way he stacks the dishwasher, or drops his towel on the bathroom floor? I don't think so!
The reason we are agreeing to live with someone needs to be clear so there is no misunderstanding from either party.
I would only live with a man if I wanted to marry him, and we were engaged with a wedding date.
The exception to this would be couples who never want to marry at all ( not just to each other !) and are living in a committed monogamous realtionship , but perhaps dont believe in the institution of marriage.

Love your work Terry :)


MackNificent said...

What a wonderful blog! Long overdue. In my opinion it's never a good idea to live with someone you're dating. The 'try before you buy' theory is cool when buying shoes...but it's lousy advice for relationships. I'm still waiting to find that dealership willing to let me test drive a new Bentley for a couple of years, before I decide to buy or not...

How do you 'practice' commitment? Either you do it or you don't. And that's just what living together is: practicing commitment. You maintain your own place; let the other person have their own space. This always works best from my experience.


Terry said...

Laine and Mack-

Thanks for the very kind words and for sharing your views.

I absolutely appreciate them!

Susanne said...

I so agree that you should strive to see how your partner behaves right not before you consider moving in. Totally true that there are certain habits that will only amplify as time goes on, particularly within the pressure cooker of shared living!

Great blog.

Jewish Journal said...

Hi Terry:

You might be interested in checking out this post and video on online dating and sharing it with your readers, with your thoughts.

Look forward to reading your thoughts-
Jewish Journal

Dennis Miedema said...

As a fellow dating coach, I'd like to add my two cents here...

Moving in with someone is the step before marriage and you sound like you're not into moving in with someone, but...

You can test drive the whole thing.

If you, as a guy or girl, have your own place and the person you're dating has his/her own place too, then I highly recommend that you do a "test week."

YES, you're right that the moment you go ahead and move in with someone, you'll see positive and negative qualities amplified and you'll probably discover some new flaws or odd habits...

But a test week prevents you and her/him being in trouble because it's over but your ex can't find a place to live.

Simply live together for a week and see what happens, if it's doable, try it for 2-3 weeks...

And if you're still okay after that? You ahve your answer: living together would be a GREAT idea.

If you're constantly fighting during that time, then you should wait.

Just like going on vacation for the first time as a couple is a major relationship test, living together is too.

Don't get yourself into trouble by moving in with someone while you haven't even tried living together before...

To More Dating Success,

Dennis Miedema
Win With Women