Monday, March 22, 2010

When the Baby Daddy Has a Secret Life

Dear Terry,

What if you start realising a guy is a player after you've had a child with him? By being a player here I mean web-flirting addict (he swears it is just that, although he is subscribed to a number of online sites for sex encounters, and is contacting hundreds of girls, mainly from our area). Although I have no evidence for now that he is doing the same thing in real life when I m not there (i.e. at work etc.).

All my friends and family think he is a great partner, crazy about me, and a most devoted father of our newborn child. I thought so too until recently, however, it's been months since I have started finding evidence to his secret life.

After I've faced him with these facts a few months ago, he cried when he thought I'd leave him, and he said he felt ashamed, that nothing ever happened in the real life (he said he just liked to see if the girls were up to his proposals, and, that it was like a disease for him and that he wants to stop, but now I am on trace to some more similar stuff (although it seems it is less in quantity than before) and don't know what to do.

Also, I have suspicions about someone he'd met in real life and whom he wanted to go out with (I don't know if they actually did go out, but I have seen messages between him and this girl -- that he d never mentioned to me -- that he would like to see her. Apparently, she gave him her phone number one night in the restaurant where he works. I still didn't talk about this one with him, I am kind of ashamed to let him know I've read his messages again (I am not normally like this but I have had no choice since I have had some strong suspicions, and he wouldn't admit anything). Until now he sweared he did nothing similar in the real life like he did online, but I am pretty sure he had sex with this girl in the end, unless she was the one to say no. What else does one think with evidence like this?

What do you do in a situation like this, with a newborn in the middle? We have a one month old kid, so it is not so simple to run for the hills immediately, as I most probably would have, had I been alone with him.

I love your emails and I would be forever greatful if you'd find the time to answer to my question while it is still timely for my situation.

Many, many thanks to you....

-My Child's Father is Not What he Seems

Dear Seems:

Give yourself credit for following your instincts and calling this guy on his destructive behavior. He says he has a "disease" and wants to stop it, but has he sought treatment?

Since you have a newborn, you're right, you can't just hightail it out of there, but you can certainly start working on a plan to get out if he fails to get the help he so badly needs.

To do that, you'll need emotional support. That means -- if he doesn't get treatment -- you may have to burst the bubble of people who love you and believed that he was a great boyfriend and father. Tell the people you trust and who will help you and not gossip about you and the truth about your situation.

You would probably do well to get counseling yourself. A professional can help you get over the trust issues that result from finding yourself in a relationship with a less than faithful person. She (or he) can also help you and your little one get started on a more secure and joyful life.

You deserve it.


Anonymous said...

Dear seems,

I empathize with you, as I kept reading your letter.It left me with a pain, before I read Terry's answer.

Taking care of a 1 month old isn't easy,added to this, you've the stress of dealing with a man who's dis-honest and dis-loyal.

I don't know why but I feel certain you may feel better if you moved out of his place( within a month or two), with the help of your friends or family.

He may act a cry-baby again, so make sure you don't tell him in advance about your move.After all, he's not telling you who he's meeting all through.

These people exhibit behaviors of psychopaths, they constantly lie,cause emotional de-stress and when you tell you'd leave, they'd cry like babies, stalk you or plead you forever.

So make sure you get a new cell phone, so you won't be followed by this person.

This person needs everything, a loyal partner to have home ( When he doesn't get one of those sexual dates?).

I've been with a friend who went through this kind of a guy, and I'd say please come out for the best.Your child may not be happy anyway with a father like him.

Dennis Miedema said...

As a dating coach, I´d like to give my 2 cents here.

I don´t get it.

You two got a kid, but he flirts with women. Why do you call that cheating? Women flirt lots of times too, so I wouldn´t call it cheating...

But him being irresponsible for behaving like that while he´s a father and you being insecure because you equal flirting to cheating/him leaving you.

And let me tell you something: I coach men with meeting women online, and the most insecure guys who have the most problems... sign up for adult friend finder sites if you know what I mean.

How many times they get lucky? NEVER, because 50% of the members there are cambots (sexcam sites looking for new customers), hookers, etc.

Furthermore, if a guy says to a woman he wants to see her while he has a wife... that´s a bad thing? Why?

I have lots of female friends, don´t do ANYTHING with them, but yeah... I´d love to see them, yeah... I flirt with them sometimes.


What you need to do is ask yourself why you think exchanging numbers and seeing each other equals sex instead of friends... and get rid of those insecurities.

But in your defense: if he flirts all day while he COULD spend time on his son/daugther, then I call that a bad father who needs to get a book about what being a father is all about with a complementary slap on the face.

To More Dating Success,

Dennis Miedema
Win With Women