Ditch the Padded Bra

Dear Terry,

Thanks for the great blog, I admire it. I'm single woman, way far past the 'puberty' stage, and I've very small breasts, and I'm blessed with a beautiful face with great lips, and a slender figure (I eat a well balanced, healthy diet with meat--except red meat -- and vegetables).

I never minded having small breasts, (I'm size AA) until I faced many harsh comments from few guys saying - you don't have a trace of flesh anywhere on your body or that I'm the most handsome man they've seen!

Needless to say, these men made my heart bleed! And there was nothing I could say in return to them, as they were my so called 'friends' (not my dates).

Hearing these comments, started my struggle (and not really from having small breasts.) I didn't dare to date much or cut dates very quickly sometimes out of fear that I might get hurt from those men again too.

Even other girls used to call me 'flat' behind my back ! (I'd overhear them sometimes when they thought I was not around). They ripped my heart to pieces.

My real friends, hearing other girls, advised me to get some padded bras, so I don't need to listen to such nasty comments from anyone. I've been using them for years, they make me feel 'normal' by society's standards, and on a date, a man complimented me on my 'perfect figure,' so I felt bad that I was not perfect, and he perceives me to be so. And it was too awkward to tell him. Anyways before I could tell him, I knew he had a girlfriend (through another source) and was just wasting my time.

It took me lot of years to see how low these people are, (and the problem is them, not me ) to make a woman feel 'alien' for not having a perfect figure, and I had to read a lot to soar my confidence in all ways possible and realized, not all men like a woman just for her breasts! And I'm loved by my friends, guys and girls both for my persona!

I've been a very confident woman despite this,after the 'realization' dawned on me, and I don't take sub-standard behaviour from a man regardless of whatever, but then at the end of the day - I feel all the attention on my breasts when I try not to wear a padded bra and it's kind of embarassing to be looked like you're strange-as if you come from a different planet!

I hate to be looked at my chest for having a small one. So when I wear a padded bra and meet a man, I feel as if I'm faking my appearance, (I've good features and a glowing skin, so I hardly wear any make-up even and now I had to make a part of my body look fake?) and how I could let him know about my real figure, which I personally am not ashamed of,(no sleeping with guys until marriage = my church + heart's stance on sex), but hate the attention from people for being of a certain size.

How can I not wear the padded bra and still not feel odd in public, when I go on a date, or meet that gentleman ? How can I deal with it if I happen a meet a man with the padded bra ?

I only got a bunch of jerks as my boyfriendss, when they abuse me emotionally, and I try to break from them and protest, they'd say things about my body then. This of course, made me feel terrible. If there are men who respect a woman with a great personality like me, how am I not meeting them? What can I do to meet such men? (I'm against surgeries as I care for my health. I wouldn't at any cost give it as the price to just look 'perfect').

Your advice is greatly appreciated.I feel terribly confused and feel shy to discuss it with anyone.

-Attracting Jerks


Dear Attracting-

You wrote, "I felt bad that I was not perfect, and he perceives me to be so."

Yikes. Nobody is perfect, certainly not some clown who's dating you when he's already got a girlfriend.

And then you write, "...how low these people are, (and the problem is them, not me ) to make a woman feel 'alien' for not having a perfect figure...")

Yes, the problem is them, but if you've bought into the idea that you're alien if you don't have a perfect figure, the problem is also you. Nobody does have a perfect figure, by the way, and guess what? Even if a man or woman is the picture of physical perfection today, he or she may not be 10 years or even two months from now.

Life happens. Illness happens. Babies happen. Laziness happens. So, it really is who you are on the inside (and who a man is on the inside) that matters. Not money. Not looks. Not breasts.

With regard to emotionally abusive men: Why do you even bother? Why protest? Just stop returning calls and disappear. The same goes for these so-called 'friends' of yours, male or female, who find it necessary to comment on your body parts. Don't waste your breath on them. Just fade away.

If I were you, I'd stop wearing the padded bra, let those small breasts be exactly what they were made to be, and make the very most of wearing clothes that your fuller-figured sisters cannot wear. From your description, you're built like a model, so hold your head high and walk like one.

You say you have glowing skin, a beautiful figure, and a lovely face, so why are you concentrating on the one thing you perceive as a flaw? Why do you allow men who have the audacity to discuss this so-called flaw to infiltrate your airspace? (If a man commented any of my body parts, I'd dismiss him immediately. There's a red flag if I ever saw one.)

These women who talk about your flatness behind your back? They're not your friends. Did it ever occur to them they're jealous of you? And the men who make fun of your breasts when you try to break it off? Well, you've only confirmed their suspicions that they're not in your league, and they're lashing out. It's the oldest trick in the book.

By the way, have any of these men been physically perfect? Not a knobby knee, a hunched shoulder, a hairy back among them? Come on. None of us is physically perfect. Not George Clooney, not Angelina Jolie, not me, not you, not any of your 'friends,' either.

So, what do you have going for you besides your looks? Write a list. Bring it to mind whenever you're afraid that you don't have what it takes to attract a human being who will love you just as you are.

Where do you meet such a person? Through friends, through clubs or classes, through volunteer work. If you volunteer somewhere (a good friend of mine is going to New Orleans to help Hurricane Katrina victims with a group from her church), do it alone. Just make sure you're joining a safe and reputable organization. You're more likely to make new friends this way, and a new friend (male or female) may introduce you to the love of your life.

As a shy person, it helps to put yourself in places where you have to talk to people. If you bring a friend along, it's just too easy to talk to her and hide out from everyone else.

Surely, you've seen stories about people with genuine disabilities or deformities (we're not talking about small breasts here) who have attracted love and lasting relationships. You certainly have what it takes to do this.

Furthermore, one thing you must remember about breasts: Most of them sag after a while. They prohibit one from wearing certain clothes (the wrong cut turns the wearer into a sack of potatoes). You have been spared these problems.

Wear your small breasts proudly. Think of them as a blessing: A means of separating the worthy from the unworthy.

And remember, one of the most famous models of all time, Twiggy, had small breasts. They sure didn't hold her back from love, fame, or fortune.