What Are You Afraid Of?

So many of us want the relationship, but we're afraid of being abandoned, hurt, smothered, or bored. We want the success, but we're afraid of how it'll change us -- and the people around us. We want to drop the weight, but we're afraid of the attention it'll bring or the jealousy it'll inspire.

Get Ready For Love's Viveca-Stone Berry tackles fear in her first newsletter after a long hiatus, during which she became a kind of lay expert on migraine headaches (she's since helped herself and her husband -- also a sufferer-- ease the pain considerably).

This issue includes links to fear-piercing advice from Trust Your Vibes author Sonia Choquette and Rich Dad, Poor Dad's Robert T. Kiyosaki.

Check it out here.

A Dating Site You Might Want to Check Out

At a networking meeting, an attractive, educated entrepreneur I like and respect mentioned she'd had some success on a dating site called PlentyOfFish.com. She reported the site allowed her to be a little more specific about weeding out undesirables than other sites she'd tried.

I checked it out. Turns Plenty of Fish is a free dating site. According to the owner, "Our success rate, matching algorithms and technology is unmatched. At 26 my algorithms and their results were cited in the Nobel Prize of Mathematics (Fields Medal) paper...We are about 5 times larger than any paid site, you will get more messages and interest here than all paid dating sites combined."

All right. It sounds good.

I did a quick search of men looking for long-term relationships and came across a profile for a lovely (and fit and attractive) man in our neighborhood who divorced a couple of years ago. So, I'll attest there's at least one decent guy there. (My friend from the networking meeting would probably say there's at least one more.)

Check it out.

I know you don't need me to tell you this, but I'm going to say it anyway: If you're going to date someone you meet online, please do it in a public place until you're sure the guy isn't wanted in three states.

Is She Being Too Friendly?

Hello Terry,

I get your emails and find them informative. This may help other women experiencing the same thing I am experiencing:

I'm the new (been here 5 years now but nothing has changed no matter what I do...running out of ideas) single woman in the cul-de-sac.

Despite being friendly to everyone:

-bought and carried 200 tulip bulbs from Amsterdam for married neighbour no.1
-beautifully bagged 2 baby outfits with a card and large teddy bear for married neighbour no.2 right after their baby was born--handed it to the wife with congrats--and never saw anything on the child.
-baked welcome cookies and presented them to new married neighbour no.3
-presented cookie platter to married neighbour no.4 for Christmas with a card and thanking her son for removing snow from the front of my house.

You get the idea. It's not reciprocated at all.

Anyway, pretty much I am being friendly, but the women are a nightmare. They seem to think I want their husbands even though, since I have been here, I have had two very fit, handsome, and steady boyfriends.

I am writing this mail because a woman was walking a small dog in the cul-de-sac, whom I had never seen before so I politely asked her which house they belonged to. She pointed it out and I said, "Oh, the Christmas house" (they have nice decorations. I have nice decorations too).

And she asked where I live so I also pointed it out. Her response was: "Oh, you say hello to my husband." So, I replied "I say hello to whoever happens to be outside, and you are the first female I have seen outside this house."

End of conversation. She went inside.

Any thoughts?

-Good Neighbor

Hi, Neighbor-

This is a tough one. It's unfortunate your efforts at being friendly went unappreciated.

In the future, I'd wave and smile at your neighbors, but let it go at that. Since the beautiful gifts you brought went unacknowleged, I'd think twice about extending myself too much the next time a new family moves in. Again, wave and smile, but keep moving. When you come across a husband, definitely wave, smile, and keep moving.

From now on, let your neighbors seek you out. I wouldn't initiate conversations. If one of the women says to you, "You say hello to my husband," make a point of being casual and responding, "Yes, I do. I've always admired the way you decorate your house, and you seem like a very nice couple. Well, I'd better run now," and be off.

This bland response will ensure you don't come off sounding defensive. You'll have complimented her twice -- about her taste and seeming like a nice couple. She probably won't argue with you.

Nobody knows what goes on in these people's houses, so it's possible the women's lack of friendliness has nothing at all to do with you. Spend your time cultivating friendships with people who have better manners.

-Terry

The Secret to Love

While scratching around Netflix for movies to fill out my queue, I came upon a movie I'd heard about once and never again, entitled Broken English by Zoe Cassavetes. The DVD arrived in the mail 10 days ago, and I finally got around to watching it yesterday. I'm glad I did.

Netfix bills it as a romantic comedy, but it's a pretty intense story about an unhappily single woman in New York (played so convincingly by Parker Posey I found myself clutching my stomach), who's under pressure to marry and hasn't a decent prospect in sight. She hates her job. She pretty much hates her life.

She goes on a couple of sorry dates, which are depicted all too realistically (most of us have met jerks like the ones she goes out with). And then, just when she's had it, a co-worker convinces her to attend a party. She walks in, sizes it up as a loser fest, and heads for the door.

On her way out, she tries to avoid an introduction to the person who will change her beliefs about herself and life in general. But she can't avoid him. He will not be avoided.

And then, the story takes her to Paris, where a stranger gives her the secret to love.

This movie hits the mark. I highly recommend it.

Check out the trailer here.

Meeting Men You Can Click With

Hi, Terry-

Let's start with this......YOU'RE AMAZING!! I recently ordered your e-book via Mimi Tanner and cannot say enough good things. Truly inspirational. In it you mention getting out of the house often so as to open yourself up to new and numerous opportunities to meet great men. Other than sports bars, which I'm not really crazy about, where do you recommend going? I have tried the bookstores cafes but have only come across men who are not my type.

Thank you so much for your insightful and motivational stories and tips! Keep them coming!!!

Best,

K.


Hi, K-

Thanks for writing and for the very kind words.

The most important step of all in meeting the right man is listing the qualities you want in him and dwelling on them (but not obessing) via affirmation and visualization. After a little while, you'll find yourself getting little hunches to call a friend or to go to a certain place or do something else. Your subconscious will begin to nudge you in new directions.

A great way to open your social circle (and it's really more important to open your circle than to focus exclusively on meeting new men -- each new person you meet could be a source of additional social opportunities) is to have a party and invite your guests to bring along a friend (not everyone will take you up on the bring-along part, but some probably will). You'll meet new people, and you'll probably find yourself being invited to other parties or gatherings afterwards.

A good friend of mine did this and met his wife at one of his own parties. He loves to cook, took a cooking class (and made a few friends but didn't meet anyone special), and threw a series of parties. His future wife showed up at the third party with a mutual friend.

If you're not comfortable in sports bars, you're probably right to avoid them. You want to meet men you click with. If all the people who say they enjoy "long walks on the beach" actually took them, they'd meet each other, fall in love, and online dating sites would become obsolete.

So definitely do the things that make you happy, even if it means joining a knitting group and sitting around with a bunch of women. Who knows? One of those women may turn out to be the mother or sister or friend of the man who becomes your husband.

Oh, and happy women attract men!

Terry

P.S. As I write this President-Elect Barack H. Obama is approaching his seat at his inauguration, and the crowd is going wild!

Bret Michaels' Love Bus

Although my eyeballs were glued to VH1's Rock of Loves One and Two, I've been watching the third installment, Rock of Love Bus, halfheartedly.

Everything about the show is kind of sad and desperate, starting with its "star," Bret Michaels. He's less attractive every time I see him, and it has nothing to do with his age. The man has the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old.

I'm always more interested in the women who subject themselves to his predictability and ego and sheer boringness on these shows, anyway. I was happy, for example, to see Destiney of ROL2 develop the confidence to start a clothing line on the spin-off, Rock of Love Charm School , which starred Sharon Osbourne, who is infinitely more compelling than Bret Michaels.

I wondered what happened to Daisy, the ROL2 contestant who infuriated Bret when he discovered she shared living quarters with an ex-boyfriend (one of the more annoying things about this self-appointed rock star is that he insists his women be into him and only him, while he is allowed to be into everything and anything that wriggles).

According to VH1, Daisy's on deck to star in her own reality show, Daisy of Love. Could be entertaining.

A Vaccine to Forget Him?

New York Times writer John Tierney announced the other day that it may not be long before a drug is developed to make the object of your affection fall in love with you. Tierney had an even better idea: a vaccine designed to prevent one from falling in love, or from making "an infatuated ass" of him or herself.

Tierney contacted the neuroscientist, Larry Young, who authored the essay about the possibility of the love potion to find out if the anti-love potion was merely his own personal pipe dream. Dr. Young assured him that a love vaccine could indeed be in our futures.

Tierney rejoiced:

"Could any discovery be more welcome? This is what humans have sought ever since Odysseus ordered his crew to tie him to the mast while sailing past the Sirens. Long before scientists identified neuroreceptors, long before Britney Spears’ quickie Vegas wedding or any of Larry King’s seven marriages, it was clear that love was a dangerous disease."

What do you think? Would you slip a drug in a man's drink to make him fall in love with you?

Would you slip a drug in your own drink to prevent you from falling in love with him?

Imagine a scenario where a woman has been wronged and takes a love vaccine to stop hurting, and then drugs her ex to make him fall in love with her and start hurting?

Methinks these pharmeceuticals could be very, very dangerous.

She Wants a Man Who Doesn't Love the Couch

Dear Terry-

I recently purchased your book and the teleseminar that was offered on Mimi Tanner's email list. It was very good.

I am a 52-year-old woman, and I do not look my age. Many people have told me this…so ok it is what it is. I have included a picture of myself, so that you can see what I mean. It is my desire to get married again.

I have been divorced for almost three years. I am interested in marrying a gentleman with many of the same qualities you noted, but I need one more. I want a gentleman that is like me and takes care of himself physically. What I have found is that most gentlemen in the age group I am considering (45 – 55) don’t tend to take good care of themselves physically. As a result, they also tend not to be very active.

Therefore, I am having trouble formalizing the affirmation I'll use to attract the right man. Would you please give me some feedback?

“I am happily married to a man that is handsome, loyal, loving, generous, family oriented, kind, fun. My husband is successful and physically fit and youthful.”

Thank you for your help.

-No Slouch

Dear No Slouch-

Wow. You are good-looking.

I recently received a letter from a woman who affirmed that her dream man be a friend of Tom Cruise, and she met and fell in love with a man who happened to know Tom Cruise. (It never occurred to me to write an affirmation about ties to a celebrity, so this surprised even me.) Just goes to show that anything is possible.

The thing is, you may not have come across many fit men in the age range you desire, but they surely exist. Your affirmation is perfect the way you worded it. When you visualize this man, perhaps you would mentally brush your hand against the bit of bicep pressed against his starched white shirt. Bring to mind the physical evidence of the qualities you desire and mentally smell them, hear them, see them, touch them, and taste them.

I hope this helps.

Terry

She's Right. There is Something Very Wrong With Him

Dear Terry-

I have been dating this guy for 3 months, and maybe it's my imagination, but I think there is something wrong with him.

This began a 2 weeks after we started seeing each other. He started criticizng the kind of music I listened to and told me what to listen to, and I listened to him (big mistake!).

Then he told me how to wear my hair. One time he even made me take out the braids I did just for his birthday. I was deeply hurt! He started acting obsessive, calling me 10 times a day, telling me that if I left him he would kill himself, and that was only one month into the relationship. When I didn't answer my phone calls, he would be very angry at me, and if I didn't even answer my cell phone fast enough, he would also be angry.

I love the theatre, and he works at a theatre (the one that I go to every weekend), and that is where we met. I am a very friendly person, and I talk to everyone, but he does not like it when I talk to people. One time he pulled me by the arm and told me never to speak to a friend of mine he works with because he does not like him.

He even told me to start going to the gym and called me fat. I was very upset about it, and he did not understand why I was. It was very upsetting. I recently sent him a message (3 days ago), telling him that I needed space, and he called me the next day and pretended like he did not get it.

I hung up on him, and now he is calling my friend asking her for my physical address. I don't know what to do. I am scared. Please help me!!

-Scared

Dear Scared-

Hello-

It is not your imagination. There is something very wrong with this guy.

The behavior you describe is typical of an abuser. Do not allow your friend to give this individual your address.

In the meantime, Looking For My Sister lists a number of warning signs that will confirm that your instincts are on the mark. Click here to read them. The National Domestic Violence website is another excellent source of information. Click here.

Please contact your local domestic violence hotline for guidance immediately. (I found this resource for South Africa. I hope it helps.)

Keeping you in my thoughts,
Terry

The Bargain Basement of Internet Dating?

While trolling the Internet this morning, I came across a pretty cool story about a journalist who met her boyfriend on Craigslist, of all places. The author, Vidya Rao, says that while the site is often considered "the bargain basement of Internet dating," she developed a deep and lasting passion for it.

Craigslist became for her the source of not only a good boyfriend but also of apartments in Boston and New York and a whole bunch of furniture. Read the story here.

He Didn't Keep His Word

Have been corresponding with a guy for nearly a year on one of those social utility sites ( Facebook!)..he lives in a different state, but visited my city recently on his way to visit his parents for Christmas.

We met for dinner..which ended with our spending the night together..and him saying he wanted to see me again on his return.

Never to be heard from again!

I am feeling as if I want to delete him from my FB friends list..I am feeling hurt that he didn't have the courtesy to let me know he would not be keeping his word...

What would you do, Terry?

-S.

Dear S.-

Has this guy updated his Facebook page in the past few days?

If so, he's still alive, and there's really no excuse for his not keeping his word. And if he's alive, I agree with you: It would probably be best to delete him from your list of friends because his behavior has been decidedly unfriendly.

I don't blame you for being hurt.

If you keep him on your friends list, you may be tempted to check his page every so often to see what he's up to. That'll only keep the disappointment fresh in your mind.

If you're afraid of being too hasty, I'd give him until Thursday to get back to you (two weeks to the day after Christmas). If he doesn't come through by then, I'd definitely delete him.

If he does manage to contact you in the meantime, I'd approach cautiously. He'd need a major excuse to make him worth your while (something along the lines of a death in the family or an illness). I don't think highly of people who make promises and disappear. Do you?