Thursday, February 01, 2007

The Man Presumes Too Much

Hi, Terry-

I'm not sure if this is the right place to pose a dating dilemma....if not, I apologize.... I find after about 5 months of spending time with a truly glorious man....he is going to take orders across the country in about 6 months...this is not something we previously discussed, and came as a surprise because I know he is due to retire in 2 yrs time and assumed his current duty station was his last... Being a rather direct woman, and realizing I'd made a faulty assumption....I asked what I wanted to know, "are you open to something long term or we just dating till you leave?" It occurred to me that since he'd known all along he was leaving, we might have been looking at all this differently.... His response was that he'd previously been married for 16 yrs and was still very cautious....that he wasn't experiencing the depth of emotion that I was....that he didn't think he was moving as quickly as I was and was concerned that because of that I'd be hurt....he also wondered whether I would resent he hadn't proposed yet...but of course he still wanted to see me.... I was horrified, said very little during the whole exchange.....yes, I've been out of dating for a while, but I'd never point blank ask someone if they were in love with me, or did they want to marry me!!!!....I only wanted to know if he'd been looking at the relationship as limited from the start, you know? I do like him tremendously (and sure, I think he's got great marriage potential)....which is why I'm even more concerned that this whole situation has crossed some line that you should never cross...can things be normal after things like this are said? Is this a lost cause?

-Wondering


Hello, Wondering-

Communication is vital in any relationship. Asking this guy whether he wanted to continue your romance or break it off when he relocates qualifies as a natural and justifiable question.

You did nothing wrong.

He overreacted when he presumed that you are more emotionally involved than he (not to mention clamoring for a marriage proposal!). He should be ashamed of himself.

It floors me that he knew all along that he'd be leaving. It's a bit dishonest, don't you think? Put it this way: If you knew you'd be hitting the highway in six months, would you have waited until now to spring it on him?

I wonder if he's ever heard of The Golden Rule.

I don't think there's any point in discussing this matter further with him. He certainly has a very high opinion of himself.

Whether you continue to see him until he heads off in six months is entirely up to you. I'd be friendly but keep him at arm's length myself.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Attract a man who's worthy of a change.

3 comments:

Leila said...

Hello Terry,

In my sincere opinion, no woman should tolerate this kind of treatment! I think that no matter men or women, we are all human beings and we all deserve to be very loved, cared and respected. And what I see here is a complete lack of all above. I think this man is not in love with this woman as she deserved him to be. So I guess the better thing to do is to leave him no matter how much she likes him because obviously this guy is not respecting her and her right as every human being to be really loved and cared and to mean the world to someone. For the next time, when she will start dating someone I think this woman should determine and let the guy know her priorities right in the beginning stage of the relationship and if he won't accept them and say something like this one: "His response was that he'd previously been married for 16 yrs and was still very cautious....that he wasn't experiencing the depth of emotion that I was....that he didn't think he was moving as quickly as I was and was concerned that because of that I'd be hurt....he also wondered whether I would resent he hadn't proposed yet...but of course he still wanted to see me....". She should just let the guy go and find another person who will love her, respect her and see her unlimited worth because every person deserve that in a romantic relationship because it's the only way to happiness and happiness, my friend, is something that we all with no doubt deserve ;)

And that's all
Sincerely,
Leila

(P.S: I'm so sorry for my English but as I'm a Portuguese girl my English is not perfect)

Terry said...

Your English is perfect. Thanks for writing.

Terry

Anonymous said...

I think that she should continue to see him occasionally until he leaves with the understanding that they will see other people now and when he leaves. She'll have an opportunity to "take the temperature" of the relationship after he has left and decide where to go with it. When he is elsewhere and is alone, he will have time to reflect on their relationship and it's often when there is time apart that some people realize how much they miss each other, if they arent smart enough to realize it when they've had a good thing. 5 mos. is enough to lay the foundation of a relationship and let the other person know what your value system and beliefs are.