Terry:
I have recently started dating a caring, creative and interesting man. While he's not my ideal (or usual) type, physically we connect in a lot of important ways and our sex is great.
The problem is that he has an extreme country accent complete with podunk phrases such as "country as a rutabaga," and "I'm so hungry I could eat the South end of a North bound mule." To top it all off his grammar is atrocious. Every sentence has a double negative ("I aint got no milk," "ain't hardly seen her"). I don't think I've ever heard him say the word 'have.'
We grew up in the same area, both small towns. We are in our mid-thirties, and for lack of a better description, he sounds like a country bumpkin. At first it was kind of charming, but it's getting to a point where it is irritating and distracting.
I have mentioned the grammar thing, and he said that's the way he is and he cain't change. He has it in his mind that it's charming because when he lived in the Northwest, and in another country, his accent was a novelty. Now he's back in a small Southern town and to me he sounds like he's visiting the city from the farm.
He has so much to offer. He's intelligent, kind-hearted, and talented. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to better himself and speak correctly. I don't know how much longer I can listen to him talk.
Am I being shallow?
-How Deep Is My Love?
Hello, Deep-
You are not shallow.
It's a shame that he's kind-hearted, intelligent, and talented but refuses to better himself. If you don't know how much longer you can listen to him talk now, how will you feel five years from now?
Only you can decide whether you want to to continue this relationship.
Right now, the sex is great. He's caring and creative. Can you imagine being married to him? Having children with him? Mingling with his family regularly and often? Introducing him to your coworkers?
It might help to write a list of pros and cons. Sometimes it's easier to see things clearly when they're in black and white.
Good luck.
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7 comments:
Although I highly respect your advice Terry (and that's coming from a fellow dating coach), I have to disagree with you on this one.
You see, how would you feel when the guy you're dating would ask you to quit your job at a multinational law firm because he's a fanatical anti-globalist?
Would you stop working there even if you grew up dreaming about working for the big players in the lawyer game?
No? I thought so. Still, you're expecting him to do just that - change something that he's had since birth.
If you want to change the one you love, you have to ask yourself how deep your love is in the first place...
Because you know what they say right? For better or for worse.
You sound like you're ashamed of introducing him to your family, friends, and colleagues because of his accent... but is that being fair to him?
Are you sure you're not only attracted to him because of his looks?
I hope you don't make him feel insecure about his origins, because he doesn't deserve that.
To More Dating Success,
Dennis Miedema
Win With Women
Thanks for weighing in, Dennis.
I do think it's less a matter of asking him to change than whether she can live with him as he is.
You ARE being shallow. Why try to change a person instead of accepting them for who they are? Why am I telling you this. You're not dumb. If you don't like it then leave.
I had a friend who so loved the man she was with but... there were a few dealbreakers that although she loved most things, she actually, at least unconsiously, was effectively hiding him from certain situations and people.
In the end she tried to love him like he was, then she to changed him, and back again...
They still broke up.
Terry, - you didn't say to change him but challenged Deep- to play the movie out now and see how she would feel. Even the inspiring Tony Robbins teaches us to 'Begin with the End in Mind!'
I also liked the list of pros and cons - it reminded me of the movie, As Good As It Gets'. Sometimes we can choose to love who we're with.
Deep- go within and you will know what to do in your heart.
Think once again before taking any serious moves.....can you spend all your life with a man who utters so much negativity when when we speaks?
Hi
I don't think you're being shallow but if it something that you can't get over, it will probably end up irrating you even more further down the line. You mention that you have a great physical connection but you can't base a realtionship solely on this. Perhaps it's time to decide what you want from the relationship and if it is not going to give you what you need, then maybe it's time to move on...
You are physically attracted to this man. And there endeth the story.Why does everything have to lead to a relationship per se? Just be honest with the guy and tell him you cant see a long term exclusive arrangement..but you are willing to just live in the moment with no strings attached. Its called not being exclusive.
He may say he doesnt want to continue..thats fine too..you have been authentic.
Im ure this is how a lot of guys feel. Sexually attracted and yet cant see a long term relationhip on the cards, and women shoot them down for that.
We are all capable of being lustfully attracted to people we dont want to commit to. Such is life :)
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