Tuesday, April 27, 2010

He Likes Her, But He's Not Willing to Move Forward


I am 29-year-old female. I have been seeing a guy for about six months. He is 29, as well. He is a great guy, and although we have not said that we are boyfriend and girlfriend, we have talked about dating exclusively. We have the same circle of friends, and we attend our friends' parties together.

We see each other at least twice a week. I know he is going through a lot because he lost his job last year and barely got a new one about a month ago.

Here is my problem. I asked him how come he never texts me or calls me all the time and he says, just cause I don't text you or call you does not mean I am not thinking about you. I have so many things going on in my life right now, and I feel like I have nothing to offer you. I am interested in you, and I am not dating or talking to anybody else. I respect you, and if I didn't like you I would not want to hang out with you at all.

His best friend is married to my friend, and he tells me that he feels bad because he got that new job, but he is not making what he use to make before. I make way more than him, and he knows that.

I don't know what to do anymore. Should I wait for him or let him go?

Please help me.

-Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Dear Should-

The first thing you should do is take a step backward.

This guy sounds pretty great. He's spoken openly to you. He likes you, but he fears he has little to offer. He's reeling from a job loss, and the fact that he's making quite a bit less than he once did.

I admire his honesty.

At this point, I would give him a little time. I'd also give him space. I'd let him make the next move. I wouldn't ask him when he thinks he'll be ready to make that move. After a while, if it becomes apparent that he's not going to make it, I would let him go.

But, right now, enjoy his company. See how it goes.


Laurie said...

Six words. "He's Just Not That Into You." Read the book, find his excuses in there practically word-for-word, and move on. I know it's hard to see the situation clearly when it's you, and you care about the guy, but you don't do yourself any favors by being in denial. You're only 29, and though I don't know you I'll bet you have a lot to offer, so don't settle for half a relationship when it's clearly not what you want. Seriously, read the book - if you google the title it'll come up all over the place. Good luck!!

Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach said...

In most cases, I'm completely ready to offer the "He's just not that into you" advice. But this feels different to me. I'm in Terry's camp on this one.

Six months is not that long. And according to Steve Harvey's book, men have to feel financially secure to move forward - so it might take a little more time.

I'll share the advice my father gave me when I was deciding what to do about the guy who is now my husband. He said - "Give him another three months to see what happens. That's not much of your life to give up and if things turn around, it will be totally worth it."

Take it from me, that was the best advice I ever got.

Don't tell your boyfriend that he's on a timeline. Just follow Terry's advice, don't pressure him, but hang in there if you like him. Then see what happens.

If he moves forward - it was worth it. If he continues to hang back - move on to find someone new. You'll have only wasted three months which is not much at 29 or 41 (my age at the time).