Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Hey, Terry-

I've got some issues here. I'm in a long distance relationship. Actually, this guy was my childhood friend and we connected together recently. He studies abroad. He fell in love with me, everything was going too fast, he kinda "made me love him," took off my icicle.

He became all I was asking for in a man. We met during summer vacations, it was awesome, and then he went back to the country where he studies. Since then, he's backing off. I don't know what happened. He calls once in a blue moon (he used to call me everyday!).

No more I love yous, no more I miss yous, NOTHING. He barely responds to my mails. We used to spend hours on Skype! I mean, he was so passionate and excited about us and the future together, he asked me to promise I'd wait for him. And I did.

And now he's backing off?! I mean... What am I supposed to do?! When I tell him about how I feel, he says that he's just busy, that he needs to concentrate and that he'll try to call me on weekends. He was busy before, too, but he used to call! I'm only asking for two minutes a day here, just to say hi and know he still cares. And he still finds time to talk to his friends and family and go on Facebook. The result is that I'm backing off too, returning to my shell. And I don't get it. One month before, he was madly in love, and now he can't even say a kind word to me?

-What is the Deal?


Dear Deal-

It's not fair that this guy warmed you up, and then left you cold, but please take comfort in the fact that you are not the first person who's suffered this crap.

Here's my advice: Stop calling him, texting him, visiting his Facebook page. Don't initiate contact whatsoever. Stop telling him how you feel (he doesn't deserve to hear it). Yes, breaking contact will hurt at first, but it will get easier. It's also worth it. Know that just as you cannot fathom why this guy came on so strong only to leave you high and dry, prolonging the agony is only going to prolong the agony.

(There are men and women who get off on 'the chase.' They determine to make someone fall in love with them, woo them until they do, and then move on because the fun is over. I don't know if this guy falls into this category, but it's possible.)

Fill your time taking care of yourself, doing things that make you happy and keep your mind off this person. If he should contact you, guard your heart and resist making yourself overly available. Think very hard if it's worth letting him into your life again.

Is he worth it? Does he deserve you?

I hope you won't let this unfortunate experience prevent you from finding happiness with a man who does deserve you and doesn't ever take you for granted.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi What's the Deal,

No matter the reason for his behavior, his actions show that he does not take the bond that both of you share as seriously as you do.

You don't have to ask for "two minutes" of his precious time. When a guy says he's busy, it is usually an excuse, especially since you said that he has always been busy, yet he called you before.

Give him what he wants -- time away from you -- and go pursue what makes you happy. When you have dated other guys and cut off contact with him, only then can you be objective about the so-called "love" that you guys shared. And you may be surprised, but very often, time apart can let you see the guy in a different, and perhaps even undesirable, light.

Even if he calls you back in future, I would strongly recommend that you take his words with a pinch of salt. If he can "make you fall in love with him" so easily and suddenly, then he must be a real smooth talker.

Perhaps he was only flirting (outrageously) with you and backed off when it got too serious for him to handle. Ultimately, you are in charge of your own life. You just have to answer this question honestly: Is this what you want in your life?

Anonymous said...

Hello What's the Deal,
I agree with all the advice given here. I have had this happen numerous times, most recently over the summer. In the end, the guy actually told me that he enjoyed the chase more and didn't have time for "relationship maintenance" - Considering how 'hot & heavy' he wanted the relationship prior to this, considering all the romantic words and gestures in 'making' me want the relationship too - I must confess I am always left feeling a bit confused by this kind of behavior. I wish that there was a sign around the neck, a stamp on the forehead, a key word that is said or an action early on that would give me warning... I guess the best defense is to listen to what they say but watch what they do.

Anonymous said...

Hello What's the Deal,
I agree with all the advice given here. I have had this happen numerous times, most recently over the summer. In the end, the guy actually told me that he enjoyed the chase more and didn't have time for "relationship maintenance" - Considering how 'hot & heavy' he wanted the relationship prior to this, considering all the romantic words and gestures in 'making' me want the relationship too - I must confess I am always left feeling a bit confused by this kind of behavior. I wish that there was a sign around the neck, a stamp on the forehead, a key word that is said or an action early on that would give me warning... I guess the best defense is to listen to what they say but watch what they do.

Anonymous said...

For whatever reason, it sounds like this guy wants to break up. He doesn't want to come right out and say it, since he knows he's responsible for giving the LW expectations, but his actions speak louder than words. Give him space and plenty of it.