Monday, September 28, 2009

Are You Working Too Hard for Love?

How hard to you have work for love?

If you listen to pop radio, you have to work really, really hard for it. Right now, there's a hit single describing love as a battlefield (not to be confused with Pat Benetar's "Love is a Battlefield," which was a huge hit way back when in the Eighties).

I'm always hearing songs sung by well-lit young women describing their pain in love, and these songs usually become giant hits. And it's no wonder. They can be pretty catchy.

The problem is, a lot of women listen to them and come to the conclusion that love equals pain. If we're not feeling sad, if we're not feeling the drama, then we can't be in love.

Furthermore, a lot of us who are in bad relationships tell ourselves, "Hey, this is the way it's supposed to be. Love is work." This causes some women to put up with a lot of substandard behavior from the men they spend time with.

Please open yourself to the possibility that if you're feeling bad or sad in your relationship more than 20% of the time, you may be in the wrong relationship. You could be with the wrong guy.

Love is not a battlefield. It's supposed to be joyful, exciting, uplifting, full of mutual attraction, affection, consideration, and fun. (Does this mean you'll never have a doubt or a disagreement? No, of course not, but if you're crying more than you're laughing, something is seriously wrong.)

Love is supposed to be you making a special man's happiness your priority. He should be making your happiness his priority (that's where the work comes in; sometimes somebody has to make a sacrifice, and and it shouldn't always be the same somebody).

If your boyfriend often disappoints you, makes you feel less than special, and forces you to work for his affection and attention, you can do better.

Step back. Give yourself time to reconsider whether this person is someone who can make you happy in the long run.

Give yourself the gift of you. In other words, spend time with yourself. Care for yourself. Nurture yourself in the ways that are missing from your relationship. Allow yourself to be happy by yourself.

Decide whether it's time to move on and make room for a man who doesn't expect you to settle for crumbs.


The Singlutionary said...

Thank you! I couldn't appreciate this post more. I always thought that I just had to try harder to make things work when I was with guys. But once it was all over I realized that it was just not the right thing and that half the time I was feeling like I had to work harder because NOTHING was working. These were all short term relationships. I am good at keeping peace and having positive, hopeful, loving relationships with my friends and family but with men, ugh! It took me a while to realize that, in a way, I was looking for the wrong thing . . . I thought the more love there was the more torture I could expect. Now i know better but I have yet to prove that I know anything!

Erika said...

Oh, I am soooo over the idea that love equals pain. hey, I just found your blog and I love connecting with other bloggers who are writing about dating advice. I love the idea that love is meant to be effortless. Thanks for this post.

Erika Awakening

T said...


I love this post.

I did this in my last relationship and even the ones before that. Reading this makes me feel SO much better for my current relationship. I feel happy 99% of the time!! :)

Terry said...

Singlutionary-Thank you. Keep the peace, definitely. Love is supposed to warm, not burn!

Erika-So glad you decided to stop by. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I stumbled across your site and this post just amazed me. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

Thanks, so much!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this post as it clarifies and gives light.