Tuesday, January 22, 2008

If You Want Him Back, Don't Scare Him Off

It's amazing the stupid things some women will do when they want to reunite with a former boyfriend (and, to be fair, men do the same stupid things when they want an old girlfriend).

Some of us drunk dial. Some of us do the late-night drive-by. Some of us get really bad and do the drunk late-night drive-by. But none of these methods have been shown to be effective in rekindling romance. On the contrary, sometimes they result in the guy taking out a restraining order.

Last weekend, my sister told me of a mutual friend who's recently been harrassed by her brother's former girlfriend. Since the break-up, the ex has been dropping in on our friend, making nightly calls to his mother and brothers (one of whom is the father of small twins and doesn't need the phone ringing at 9PM).

The woman's goal is to win allies. She imagines that by remaining in frequent contact with his family she establishes herself as an integral member. She thinks she can get the others to prevail upon the ex on her behalf.

She's crazy.

Here's what's really happening: The mother says to her son, "Will you tell that woman to stop calling me?"

The sister says, "Thank God you broke up with that psycho. She's like something out of Fatal Attraction."

One brother says, "I never liked that girl."

The brother with twins says, "Make her stop calling or I'm changing my number, and you'll never hear from me again."

Okay, the woman is hurting, and hurting people do hurting things.

I've been there.

When we've been dumped, we all want the guy to realize he's made a mistake, but enlisting his family's help is bound to backfire. Think about it: Have you ever been indifferent about a guy that your parents were crazy about? Did their enthusiasm change your feelings for him?

You may have given him a second look, but your feelings had to develop of their own accord.

Now, imagine that some guy you're done with starts calling your friends and family. Would you be intrigued by that? Or would it turn you off?

If he kept it up, would you be convinced that he was the guy for you? Or would you think about calling a lawyer?

It's easy to lose your head when you've been rejected. Rejection can cut you to the core. It's not the time to come up with hairbrained schemes to regain a guy's affection. It's the time to lie low, keep busy, and maintain your dignity.

If you hope he'll have a change of heart, it's the only way to go. And if he doesn't have a change of heart, well, he never was going to have one, anyway.

Do yourself a favor and move on.


smiley :) said...

Hi Terry,

Great post there. Have been to your site and reading the posts on a regular basis, and they really provide "enlightenment" at one point or another.

I have been there myself too. Things had been great between us, we talked of marriage, then one day he backed out, and I lost all control. He had not lived up to his promises... but I've done him wrong too, by hurting him in ways that negated all the love and pleasant times that once existed between us.

I've sorted it out, gotten back on track, now about to have a new job, and having great relationships with my friends and family members. I never thought I could have come this far, after the breakup.

I'm sorry for what I've done to him, but I don't think it's the appropriate time for either of us to offer apologies yet. There has been too much negativity and these need time to subside.

Besides, he's gotten attached very soon after our breakup. Over this past year when we had our contact points, girlfriend was always a source of conflict... He's had his share of breaking up and patching back with her, so it's traumatic for all 3 of us at different levels...

We have not been in contact for the last two months plus since our last big arugument. Before this argument, no contact for three months. Breakup was more than a year old. I've also decided that someone better is out there for me. :)

The thing is, I've just come to know that one of his family members may have... passed on... Of course, I have to admit that the concern is still there. Do you think it's appropriate for me to offer my condolences at this point of time?

Never expected myself to type such a long entry, ha. But Terry, do keep your posts coming. They offer so many of us hope and comfort. :) I'm practising LOA myself. Gets discouraged at times, but I know I deserve the best. So I will just keep going. =)

Terry said...

Thanks for the kind words, Smiley.

If you find out that the relative did indeed pass on, send a sympathy card. I'd leave well enough alone and not call him (and bring up all those feelings you've worked so hard to get beyond).

But if you don't find out for sure that his relative died, I wouldn't send anything. You can hardly be blamed for not reacting to a situation to which you were not properly informed, so I wouldn't worry about it.

I don't think it's time for anybody to offer apologies, either, especially since you've indicated there's a second girlfriend in the equation.

You sound like you're doing well, so keep moving. It's time to take really good care of yourself.

You're right; someone better is out there for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Terry,
I was in a relationhip for 3.5 years that I ended somewhat rashly, and somewhat non-rashly. There were definately flaws, but they were fixable. My ex spent months trying to convince me to give it another shot. He thought he was going to marry me. After that phase passed, I approached him saying maybe I made a mistake and would be interested in trying again, but he was "casually" seeing someone else. he said he "couldn't, at that time" give what was needed in the relationship to make us happy. He ended several emails and conversations with "if we are meant to be together than I hope that we will end up together",or " maybe we will be like (some friends of ours) who reunited after a year breakup to get married, etc. So, brokenheartedly, and with my mother's great advice, I did my best to move on, go out, change my life, etc. and be out of contact although I still think of him (and have a hard time giving other guys a fair chance becuase of this I suspect).
We have been apart for about 6 months. This last month we have had some friendly contact and talked for hours but I am unsure of what he feels. We aren't normally in contact, and aren't really anymore. He asked alot of questions about my dating (i.e. what type of guys, how old, where we went, etc). But nothing came of it afterwards. I never asked if we was seeing anyone, but I suspect not. I still plan to carry on with my plan to do my best to date other people in hopes of finding someone else fantastic, but I just have this feeling that if there ever is such a thing as "the one", he could have been it. I know several married with kids couples that got back together after separations, so I know it happens. I just wonder at some point am I supposed to be proactive and make sure that he knows that I am open if he is ever ready to go there too, since I was the one who ended it first? Or if it was meant to be it was just happen somehow? I don't want him to think he is all that there is in my world, but I don't want to lose a chance at a (maybe) good thing because I was trying to move on. Loved and Lost and kinda moving on, Veronica