I consider my mother my best friend, but I have a problem that I definitely cannot discuss with her.
I have been seeing a guy (we can call him John) for about a year. Things are going well, and we've discussed marriage. He has made hints about giving me a ring for Christmas.
The problem is, since Halloween he has been telling me that he fantasizes about "sharing" me with another woman. At first I laughed it off, but he has been persistent. He keeps telling me that having a threesome would cement our relationship and make us stronger as a couple.
Personally, I know he's feeding me a line. I have zero desire to ever get into a situation with another woman. The very idea of it makes me sick to my stomach. I am totally straight.
Unfortunately, I've come to love this guy and have gotten used to having him in my life. I'm 31 years old, and I would like to get married and have kids. Is it possible that I can have these things without being "shared" or having to fight about it for the rest of my life?
I'm afraid that if John shows up at my door on Christmas Eve with a ring, I will be too excited to step back and clarify things before I marry him. Do you think he can get over this obsession of his? Can we get back to who we were before it showed up?
-Skeeved in Saskatoon
I think it's interesting that John wants to "share you" (nice euphemism, by the way) with another woman. I wonder how he'd feel if you told him you'd rather be shared by another man--or better yet, you'd like to share him with another man.
Can you imagine the look on his face if you told him the arrangement would cement your relationship? I mean, seriously.
Since you're clearly not into 3-way action, your feelings must be respected. Either John is going to have to let go of this fantasy (which, as you understand, benefits him and not you at all), or he's going to have to let go of you.
You might try telling him what a good male friend once told me. After managing to achieve John's goal, he reported that it wasn't nearly what it was cracked up to be.
"It was way too much work," he said. "Like, I'm busy with her. I'll get to you later. "
The experience killed the fantasy for him.
It wouldn't hurt for John to consider this guy's point. And it's imperative you make your feelings about all this crystal clear (you're not going for it, and he needs to give it up) before Christmas Eve, or whenever you suspect John may turn up with a ring. You need to determine whether or not you can be happily married to him.
Remember: People do not change after they get married. They only become more of who they already are.
And, for Pete's sake, you're only 31 years old. Don't drag yourself up the aisle because you fear it may be your only chance to get married. Even if it does turn out to be your only chance, you'd be happier getting a cat than binding yourself to a guy who feeds you icky lines about "cementing" your relationship to get what he--and only he-- wants.