Monday, December 21, 2009

He Wants to Commit...Just Not Now

Terry,

I've dated this this man for 3 years, but before hand we were best friends and he waited on me while I explored, and that damaged him pretty badly. We broke up because of me, yet again and (let's just say I learned the hard way) I want to commit to him. He says that he has aspirations and goals to marry me, have children with me, and settle down with me, but right now he needs space.

One second he invites me over, and we're together for weeks, and then one day he flips out and decides to run away for space. I don't know what's going here, and I don't know what could be going on inside of his head, because he can only tell me "I want to be with you, but I'm not ready for this relationship yet. When I'm ready, I'll ask. And yes baby I want to start a clean slate with you."

What is going on? What am I supposed to do and think?

Help please!

-Want to Commit



Dear Commit-

It sounds to me like you nailed it when you say that you hurt him. He gets together with you for a while, and then he gets scared and retreats. He's afraid of getting hurt again.

I don't know what you can say or do to make him trust the relationship. I do know that actions always speak louder than words, so it's probably best to give him what he asks for: Space. And tell him how you feel, something along the lines of, "I'll miss you, but I know you need this."

(Question: When he takes his space, is he free to date other people? Are you? If you don't know, please ask him. If he's dating, he can't expect you not to date. If he's not dating, don't date. The goal is to build trust.)

He says he'll come around when he's ready, but there's no guarantee he'll ever be ready, so you have to face that possibility. (I really wish I had more to offer you here.)

Ask yourself if you're truly willing to take a chance on this guy by being patient, or if you'll get itchy and start looking around again.

I'm thinking good thoughts for you. Good luck.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

>>One second he invites me over, and we're together for weeks.

Dear Terry, I agree with your excellent advice, though I might have to disagree on the point where you said, he's afraid of getting hurt again.

It doesn't seem so like this man is afraid of being hurt again.If it's so, he wouldn't get together for weeks, suddenly disappear and yet come back again.

It seems like this relationship isn't serious in his mind 'coz of how it started, ended and re-started, and he just likes it this way - having a casual relationship without ever getting serious.He gets all he wants in a relationship now without commitment.

It seems like when he's having his alone/lonely moments, he thinks of her until he doesn't feel alone anymore, and he flips out.

>>Ask yourself if you're truly willing to take a chance on this guy by being patient

Brilliant advice as usual.If I were the girl,though it's painful,I'd keep away.There must be a reason why you wanted to explore others first before you dated him(considering you were best friends with him),broke up once ( 'coz of you ). Think why that is, perhaps there's a reason why you felt like breaking up or not wanting to date him first, or not willing to commit to him initially. Now that he's running away ( we want to get what we can't have), you might be willing to commit - ask if this is true.

( in case )If he is really ready to commit again, in your deep heart, would you really want to marry him and have his children ?

To me, once I break up with a guy, it's over - 100%, no matter the guy wants to re-consider or asks me to re-consider the relationship, 'coz break-ups happen for a reason - the two people or one of them doesn't feel the couple is compatible - period.

If either person breaks up once,no matter how many times they get back together, they keep breaking up again ( for same reasons ) - and I observed this in many people too, but again this is just my personal opinion.