Terry,
I had a one-year relationship with a man that I instantly hit it off with from our first date. We dated for four months and then circumstances in his life, sleeping on his brother's couch led to me asking him to live with me. For our whole year together our relationship was as close to perfect .
But something changed out of the blue, where I felt he was not trusting me, just things he would say before I left for work, little jabs here and there when I was talking to my friends on computer. I am to this day still deeply in love with this man, but....
He started acting pulling away and at first I noticed and let it go, but played out at the end of our relationship that he was seeing someone else, and in an instant left me for her. Now the woman he left me for has nothing, no car, she works at McDonald's. At 40 years old she has not ever strived to work anywhere else to better herself. But he tells me that everything is perfect. I see him out at the same club that I go to, and they look like they are on a blind date that is not going well at all.
Meanwhile, I'm independent and have an excellent job. I even helped him get into the same place that I work and helped him get promoted. I have to see him every day at work since we broke up. I have spoken to him and let the way our relationship ended go, the lies he told, the act he played when he left, saying I broke his heart that I was showing "signs of cheating", but what floors me is that I have no one and did not cheat, and here he did and still to this day blames me for our breakup.
When I speak to him, he limits talking to me just here at work, changed his phone number after us being broken up 7 months, or he will talk thru email and that is it. We have been thru all the emotions and not speaking and speaking and then fighting with each other.
I know that I have to let go and have tried to date other people, but
the only person that is constantly on my mind is him. What is that? True love? I have thought about him every day, made sure that he knows that I will always be there for him, but his body language is like he still has feelings for me, but his words do not.
What else can I do to get this man out of my head and heart, I feel so
stuck and have been so unhappy since he left. I thought by now that I would have met someone else and been in love again. But, my heart still belongs to him.
Tell me what I should do.
-Stuck on Mr. Moochie
Dear Stuck-
I'm sorry you're in pain. I have been there, so I definitely feel for you.
That said, would you please read over your letter with fresh eyes? Certain things will hit you between the eyes:
-You invited this man into your home to get him off his brother's couch.
-He became insulting and distrusting of you, the woman who got him off his brother's couch (not to mention helped him get a job and a promotion).
-He cheated on you and left you for the other woman "in an instant."
-He is still involved with this woman, a 40-year-old hamburger slinger with a boatload of baggage.
The thing that baffles me most is that you still want him. Sure, you may have had a couple of cozy times together, but rub the sand out of your eyes, Girl. The guy is clearly not worthy of you.
You say he changed his number. Were you calling him? Why would you ever call him?
You say he will communicate via email. Why would you glance in this person's direction, let alone email him?
He is not worthy to shine your shoes, yet you persist in thinking of him, reminiscing about the old times.
How can you get over him? Well, for starters, stop thinking of him. If that doesn't work, think of him with his arm around his little burger slinger, she in her cap and oily uniform. This is the life he has chosen.
Think about what you would do if he ever came back to you. Could you trust him? Respect him? What does he have to offer you besides the clothes on his back?
From where I sit, you may have a good job, but you clearly don't value yourself enough or you never would have given this toad the time of day.
Your best bet is to work on your self-esteem. When you love yourself, you will stop being attracted to individuals who are clearly incapable of adding any value to your life whatsoever. You will make room for people who will love you, encourage you, and make your happiness a priority
Start by reading a book called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. You may be able to find it in your library or your local bookstore. You can definitely get it at Amazon.
I hate to repeat myself, but please understand this guy has no business being in your head and heart. Evict him.
Terry
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1 comment:
I agree with Terry. I have been in a similar position myself. My ex, too, blamed me for the break up. Towards the end of our relationship, he started picking on things about me that never used to bother him. Yet I believed the break up to be my fault and even carried on an on-off relationship with him for two whole years AFTER the break up.
It was a terrible waste of precious time that I could've spent dating other people, and it was only after that painfully long time that I realised the break up wasn't my fault. All of my "flaws" that he pointed out as reasons for the break up were just excuses. He was too cowardly to face up to the fact that he was no longer interested in me and that he had gotten himself emotionally attached to someone else.
I would say that not just you, but possibly, your ex also has a low self-esteem from the lies he has made up about you, and refusing to accept his role in the break up. A secure man with a healthy self-esteem will not do that to you. He will simply accept that he too contributed to the failure of the relationship. But clearly, your ex is not capable of doing that.
Even if you compromise yourself just to be with this guy again, he would find ways to pick on you. And trust me, it can get really nasty when you try to prolong a dead-end relationship.
You are an independent woman with a career. You don't need to be in a relationship with so much anger. It's better to just let go now.
He is in your thoughts because you see him all the time, and that jogs your memories of your past relationship. But those feelings of "love" are only memories of the past, and it would be unwise to confuse them with the reality now, because things will never be the same again.
My suggestion is perhaps you could transfer to another department, do a different job where you wouldn't have to meet him. Or, even better, get a new job elsewhere. I'm sure you can do it, because you sound like a capable woman.
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