Tuesday, September 08, 2009

She Worries About American Women

Dear Terry:

It disturbs me how much American women just LIVE for the big wedding day .. and being MARRIED. There is more to life than bouquets, champagne toasts, and a white dress and a wedding night.

After that -- comes LIFE. Kids, or infertility problems, or babies' deaths, or unemployment, or hurricanes and houses lost...

I LOVE your messages so don't get me wrong. You mean well. But there IS more in this life then THE BIG WEDDING day and getting a ring on your finger. This is not life.

Life is a committed, sane partner and even if there's no officially expensive big fiesta, it is good all the same. Why are American women so flipping OBSESSED with snaring a man "for life"?

The statistics recently show than 50% of marriages (first time) don't last ... And over 60% of 2nd marriages don't either.

We could maybe focus more on building a GREAT relationship, maybe a recomposed family etc without putting so much accentuation on THE RING...

Just food for thought :) Be good and enjoy your weekend !!

-Concerned Reader

Dear Concerned,

Thanks for writing.

I've been married for 17 years, so I do know that marriage is not all about champagne and engagement rings. Those things will never make anyone happy for very long. (I don't usually mention weddings or rings in my emails, and I didn't in the one to which you refer.)

My message is for women who want to be happy, and to be happy they've got to decide to enjoy life with or without a man. They have to be whole people, not half a person searching for that elusive other half. Let's face it; we're all responsible for our own happiness. That's why I hope to help some women to stop settling for less than they deserve in a relationship.

I've found that it's not just American women who obsess about getting married (and they obsess about getting married because society still mantains that a woman needs a man to be considered successful, which is a load of bunk in my opinion). I get mail from plenty of women in the UK and other places, too.

I also write for a website called SingleWomenRule.com, which is devoted to helping women enjoy everything life has to offer whether or not the 'knight in shining armor' ever shows up.

Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I do appreciate it.



Anonymous said...

Dear concerned reader,

I'm from Asia, and I know women from europe and africa as well, along with american women.

I don't think it's a country thing.Women( or men for that fact) universally want companionship or a life partner via marriage.

Some( Few) men may not be concerned about marriage, but they could be concerned about being in a relationship as much as women are concerned about marriage.

So I don't think it's a gender thing and most importantly have to do with a country a woman or man is from, and definitely not just american.

I surely agree with your thoughts, and I'm single.I'd only enter into a relationship with the right man and not just to tie the knot or be married.

Terry is helping women see this view and also help us find the right,noble man, and god bless her for that.

Terry said...

Thanks for weighing in, Anonymous! I agree; it doesn't matter who we are -- whether we're a man or a woman, Asian or English or American -- we all want to be loved.

Mikko Kemppe said...

Great article! I agree, all of us, both us men and women, are responsible for our own happiness.

It is by becoming a whole person by cultivating our relationships with God or higher power, with our family, friends, peers, and with our self that we can also create the best foundation for a happy romantic relationship.

Jokah Macpherson said...

This is interesting because in the main blogosphere I frequent it is accepted a priori that modern American women care nothing about marriage (at least until they "hit the wall") and only want to be sexual playthings for the top 5% or so of the most confident and successful men. While I think there may be some truth to both assertions, I don't believe there is an epidemic of either.

I agree that singleness should not automatically denote failure, but not attaining one's goals is failure (in one sense of the word), and most people have a genuine desire to fall in love with someone who reciprocates; this is not just a social construct.

It may also be that many women implicitly realize that the advantages youth and beauty confer fade fast and they may be forced to find a mate without them if they do not marry quickly once they attain adulthood.