Tuesday, February 05, 2008

That Guy Who Seemed to Really, Really Like You

Hi Terry,

What’s your take on this type of guy behaviour?

Introduced through mutual friends, we spent an entire day together recently on a scenic trip to a beachside resort. Throughout the day he paid me heaps of compliments, was charming, stared into my eyes over lunch, told me he was looking for a long-term relationship, touched me gently on the back whilst guiding me in and out of doorways and then insisted on paying for everything, you get the drift.

It sure felt like I was on a date, even though I was the one who invited him along as purely a friend. It was such a fun day, but since then I have not heard from him…...and now of course he has sparked my interest…what’s a girl to do?


P.S. Terry, forgot to mention that the the day I spent with him was just over 2 weeks ago. And according to my friend that knows him, he is not seeing any one.

Dear Bewildered-

Oh, my gosh. I met this guy, too! And I was utterly convinced that he was the one, that he'd call, that God had answered my prayers, and we'd live happily ever after. I knew it because he looked into my soul, and he got me. And I got him.

And then he said goodbye, and I never heard from him again.

I'd like to tell you I only met this guy once, but I'd by lying. I met him several times in various forms over the course of my single life, and I fell for him every time.

I am utterly humiliated to tell you that after being bewitched by one of these demons I did a bit of detective work (this was before the Internet, so I'll give myself credit for cleverness) and found out where he lived. And then-- and oh, how it shames me that I did not have the foresight to use a pseudonym before outing myself this way-- I left a letter in his mailbox.

To which he did respond several weeks later while very, very drunk.

As I said, I fell for a bunch of these types over the years, but after using the Law of Attraction, I stopped. I knew I'd been completely cured when I made the acquaintance of yet another guy so similar to the one you describe, a real charmer who made me laugh and laugh.

And then, suddenly, a voice thundered in my head. It said, "You've met this guy before."

And then a friend said to me, out loud, "You've met guys like this before."

I shook his hand and moved along.

But you asked for my take on male behavior, not a history of my dating experiences, so let's move on.

I'm not sure why some men act this way, but I have some theories:

-He did indeed like you, but he suffers from some sort of performance anxiety. He knocked you dead on your first meeting; he could be afraid of disappointing you on the next.

-He is the type of twisted maniac who enjoys collecting women's phone numbers and then tearing them up into little pieces (I knew a couple of guys who used to do this).

-He meant it when he said he wants a long-term relationship, but he suffers psychological blocks that prevent him from achieving it. Only a licensed professional will ever help him dig himself out of the mine.

Whatever his problem is, don't make it your problem. If he ever manages to call you, I strongly suggest you play it cool. In other words, "Oh, I've got plans this weekend, but Wednesday might work" will do.

And, even then, don't get your hopes up. If he tells you again that he's interested in a long-term relationship, change the subject. I never trust people who discuss long-term intentions on a first or second meeting, anyway. Think of it this way: If you met a woman at a party and hit it off, would you announce, "I'm looking for a best friend?" No, because she'd think you're weird, and you'd scare her off.

Friendships develop over time or they don't. The same goes for romantic relationships. You don't go around telling men you meet you want a long-term relationship, do you? Well, this guy shouldn't be making such statements, either.

If you do go out with him, be the picture of insouciance. Do you hear me? Insouciance! Think Audrey Hepburn before the jig was up in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Tra-la-la-la-la.

And keep your options open. Don't put all your eggs in this fellow's cracked basket. Decide what qualities you want and need in a man and measure him by them. Decide what qualities you want and need in a man and visualize yourself with such a man.

Consider this: Perhaps your day with this guy equaled a flagstone on your path to a better man, a forthright soul who never requires you to analyze his behavior.


Anonymous said...

Terry, this guy is everywhere, I've been seriously checking the obits. My story: first meeting, great chemistry, definitely planning more time together, called when he got home. I sent a quick "Good morning" email two days later and nothing...that was a week ago. I know how it feels to not like someone and it hurts a bit to be the receiver of that, but I know I'm worth it. The man I'm attracting will like me without a doubt.

Terry said...

You've been checking the obits? I wish I'd thought of that. You gave me a good laugh!

Yes, it certainly does hurt to be the receiver of such treatment, but at least you know you deserve better and will attract better.

Susan at One-Woman Show said...

"I'd like to tell you I only met this guy once, but I'd by lying. I met him several times in various forms over the course of my single life, and I fell for him every time."

Oh, Writesome, Terry and Bewildered...I think we've all dated the same man/men! I can't tell you how many times I had my heart broken over false starts/promises. I honestly think some of these guys were living "in the moment" and meant the compliments/things they said to me at the time, but that only made it worse. Blech. Fortunately (or not), it happened enough that I finally saw what my friends were seeing, too.

We're all worth better than that, so Bewildered and Writesome don't lose hope. You deserve a man who takes the time to not only say the right things, but to *do* the right things to show you he cares about you.

Terry said...

"Bewildered," the writer of the question this post addressed asked me to post this comment for her:

"I have been unsuccessfully trying to post a comment in response to a question of mine that you answered for me on 5 Feb “ The guy who seemed to really, really like you”

I had wanted to comment by saying the following:

'Great comments every one. This was never an organized date though, and as we have mutual friends I am likely to see him again. I liked him as a person, so are you saying I should write him off altogether?

And… would you guys talk and chat with him now, and if not why not? If I don't, I feel that I would be advertising the fact to him that I care that he hasn't pursued me romantically.

I have tried 'flipping' this around, by imagining the same scenario occurring, him paying me all this attention and me not being romantically interested, but liking him as a friend.

Then I would have no qualms about calling him as a friend and including him in other activities. So shouldn’t I be doing this anyway?

Its a fine line..so where do you draw that line?

Terry said...

Sure, I'd chat with him casually if I got together with mutual friends, and he happened to be there. But I wouldn't dash over to speak to him. I would acknowledge his presence by making eye contact and smiling. Then I'd wait to see what kind of response I got. If he didn't come over to me, I wouldn't go over to him.

I wouldn't call him or go out of my way to see him, either. He'd need to make some sort of effort to see me.

Susan hit it on the head when she wrote, "You deserve a man who takes the time to not only say the right things, but to *do* the right things to show you he cares about you."