The best thing about VH1's Rock of Love is witnessing the ease with which Bret Michaels spreads his affections. He kisses each and every one of the show's low self-esteemed contestants with heart-melting tenderness and passion. He tucks his chin and pours his eyes into the eyes of whomever happens to sit across from him.
A few years ago, Nicole Kidman won an Academy Award for playing Bret Michaels in Moulin Rouge.
Last night's Rock of Love, intended to tease us in TV Land into a froth for next week's finale (will it be Jes or Heather? I'm so excited I cannot breathe!), took us behind the scenes of earlier episodes.
One highlight showed 44-year-old Bret playing Butt Bongo Fiesta with "Rodeo," the personal trainer/clothing designer/single mother of a 7-year-old. In another memorable moment, crazy vegetarian Lacey tore chicken breasts with her bare hands and hid clumps in her rivals' pillows (better watch out, Lace; keep it up and PETA will take away your T-shirt).
The moneyshot, of course, featured the girl-on-girl action we all clamor for: Heather, the knucklehead with Bret's name tattooed on her neck, making out with some other knucklehead.
While I'll definitely tune in next week to see how this debacle ends, I'm not particularly interested in seeing which of the two remaining LSEs (or women with crushingly low self-esteem) Bret chooses. A recent Google search turned up an interview with our hero, in which he said that the relationship with the mother of his two daughters (you read that right; Butt Bongo Baldie is a father -- of girls!) "may have a future."
Clearly, Bret doesn't know his ass from his elbow, so say a prayer for his children and their mother. In the meantime, somebody please buy the poor bastard another beer bong.