Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Glistening Needles and Tongues on 'Rock of Love'

I'm still scratching my head over Sunday's Rock of Love (actually, I've worked a hole into my scalp). Just when you think you can no longer be blown away by the absurdity of it, you look out the window to find your patio furniture flying across the yard.

This week's episode featured three of Poison singer Bret Michael's "superfans" (as he calls them) or groupies (as I call them), corralled to determine which of the remaining LSEs (or contestants who suffer from scarily low self-esteem) were worthy of competing to be his concubine.

Bret introduced the superfans to the girls (as he calls them). "This is Amy," he said of SF Number One. "I believe she still sleeps in the first t-shirt I ever threw her."

Bret may be short on hair, but he sure is long on ego.

The superfans started throwing their weight around. One of them warned, "As a rock star's girlfriend, you can't disappoint him in bed." She then ordered an LSE to demonstrate her proficiency at faking orgasms.

The episode only got better when LSE Heather decided to show her commitment to Bret by having his name tattooed onto the back of her neck.

"If Heather actually goes through with this," Brett said, "it would impress the shit out of me."

At the tattoo parlor, Heather lay down her neck, while Bret rhapsodized about the eroticism of submitting one's flesh to the needle. "I've had some of the best sex ever after getting tattoo work done."

Some women would kick a guy in the head for mentioning sex with other women after they'd had his name branded into their necks, but not Heather. Who knows? Maybe her devotion will pay off.

After the deed was done, Bret gushed, "Looking at my name on the back of Heather's neck made me feel close and romantic."

Apparently, not romantic enough. At the end of the show, Bret eliminated this week's reject, an LSE by the name of Sam, who'd been deemed "too sensitive." Heather and the rest of the hopefuls stood shifting uncomfortably while their man consoled Sensitive Sam with his tongue.

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