Love Is In the Air

I'm republishing my response to a reader comment on a previous post, "The Love of Her Future Life" here.

The reader's comment reads in part:

"Great blog. However, I still, more than one year after reading your book, am having trouble visualizing my man in as fine detail as you and your friend were able to do. How does one do that without "seeing" someone you may have known, thought was great, but is married or otherwise unavailable?"

Here's my response:

Before I started visualizing, I was flat-out crazy about an unavailable guy whose unavailability didn't stop him from stringing me along. Let me tell you, my attraction to him was all-consuming and relentless.

I took myself to one side: You're attracted to him, but he will not make you happy. Even if you did end up with him, you'd be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

I set out to use visualization to attract a new relationship. I knew how great the uavailable guy made me feel (when we were together, that is). The trick was to re-create that feeling with another, yet unseen, man.

I did not necessarily know what I'd be attracted to (as long as it stopped being the other guy). I knew what qualities I wanted and needed in a long-term partner, though. I wrote them down (writing is more effective than thinking; you're making it concrete).

As you know, Margaret, I wanted someone who was: loyal, loving, reliable, successful, and fun. So, I wrote the following affirmation every single day while listening to Kate Bush's The Sensual World:

"I am happily married to a loyal, loving, reliable, successful, fun man."

Now there are many men who possess those particular qualities; however, some of them are already married, or they're Mama's Boys, or they like to pick their noses at stop lights.

I didn't want to be attracted to them.

So what I did, when writing my affirmation, was to conjure the sense of excitement I got with the old guy with the new, unseen, one.

Now this can get tricky. At first you have very few details to go with. The guy in your imagination is like ether. You can't see him, feel him, and so on.

So, it's here, during your visualization (keep a pen in your hand if it helps you focus) that you start filling in the smell of his shirt, the warmth of his hand, and so on.

All the while you're bringing up that feeling you got when you were with Mr. Unavailable.

As for my friend, she's just coming out of the most awful marriage, so she's very clear about what she DOES NOT want. It's easy for her to tell you what she DOES WANT.

Now, she's listed the occupation of her future fellow, but you don't have to be that specific (I wasn't). It's the feeling she gets (let me emphasize that, the feeling) when she brings this guy to life in her imagination that will him into her life.

She's conditioning her subconscious to believe that she's capable of being in a relationship with someone who treats her well.

She's also conditioning herself to BE ATTRACTED TO someone who treats her well.

Let's face it: Some of us are walking around forever attracting and being attracted to men who do not treat us well, hence the girls-who-love-bad-boys syndrome. Or the girls-who-only-love-boys-they-cannot-have syndrome.

You don't have to predict what you'll be attracted to. You know what you're attracted to. So, if you're attracted to a married guy, what attracts you to him?

If it's that he's married, that's a problem. A lot of women are attracted to unavailable guys for their own reasons, usually because they'll never have to wake up to him for the rest of their lives. (If this sounds like you, determine what puts you off about marriage and create a marriage in your imagination that defies it. For example, I didn't like the idea of being stuck with all the housework, among other things.)

But if it's his sense of humor, the way he handles a car, the way he looks in a white button-down shirt, the sureness of his hands, you can re-create that in your new unseen man. You can certainly re-create the feeling you get.

Easy does it, Margaret. You know how you feel when you're with a guy you're attracted to.

Write down the qualities you want in your new guy, gel 'em with the feeling you got with the old guy. Write an affirmation in the present tense about your great new relationship.

Every day write a scene about you and the new guy: "Today my husband and I (feel it as you write it) went to IKEA to buy a new couch to put in front of the fireplace. When we got home, we ate onion bagels while we put the couch together. It came together in no time, so he lit a fire. We stood in front of the fireplace holding each other for a while, and then he poured some wine. We turned off the phone and slumped on our soft new couch together, his arm around me, my head on his shoulder, taking in the smell of burning wood. He kissed me..."

When you write your scene, engage all your senses. Be in it.

Do this every single day. Do it tomorrow: "Today my husband and I went to the park..." Keep bringing the relationship to life in your imagination.

It really doesn't help to do it once in a while. Get thee to Staples and buy a cheap spiral notebook and write a short scene every single day.

I hope this clarifies things.