Thursday, July 12, 2007

How to Keep a Man Faithful

A lot of women ask me how they can keep a man from cheating. They believe that some magic formula must exist, but the only formula I know of is to only ever get involved with a faithful man.

Yeah, I know you've read the crap in the media that men are "hardwired" to "spread their seed," and they can't help themselves from sleeping around, but it's garbage. Talk about lowering expectations!

Men are no more hardwired to cheat than we are. Recent data shows that women today step out on their mates much more than we used to. We work outside the home, so we have ample of opportunity for something on the side. Plenty of women go for it, but it doesn't make it right.

Some people cheat.

Some people do not.

It's that simple.

Unfortunately, often when a woman learns her partner's been slipping between the sheets with another lass, she blames herself. She thinks perhaps she's not pretty, sexy, smart, interesting, or whatever enough. She believes she's failed.

Or she blames the other woman. She reasons that a guy has a biological imperative to be unfaithful, and it's the female's fault for throwing herself at him: The girl's a slut.

(It's a terrible idea to call another woman a slut, by the way. If the guy cheated on me, I'd call him a slut.)

If a guy is unfaithful to you, please take comfort in the fact that he suffers from a major character defect: cowardice. Real men end relationships before they begin new ones. A coward will probably always be a coward. Say a prayer for the next woman he gets involved with.

When a woman cheats on a man, the guy rarely blames himself. Sure, he's hurt. He's probably closed the door and cried about it, but he usually ends the relationship and moves on.

Take B, a good male friend of mine and Peter's. After he learned his longtime girlfriend had a lengthy affair with her auto mechanic, we spent a lot of time talking him through it. The man was heartbroken. (I can't imagine what the hell she was thinking; he's funny, good looking, an excellent cook and gardener, handy around the house, a whiz at finance, and, oh yeah, faithful).

He broke off the relationship immediately. He gave himself time to mourn the loss. After a couple of months, he signed up for a cooking class and the Adirondack club, where he met new new people.

Today he's happily married to a woman who loves him. As far as we know, she resists impulses to sleep with her mechanic.

Have you ever seen the movie Father of the Bride with Elizabeth Taylor and Spencer Tracy? There's a scene where Elizabeth and her fiance have just had a fight. Spencer, who plays her father, asks if it was over another woman.

Elizabeth replies something to the effect of, "No, but I wish it was. That would be something I could sink my teeth into!"

For the life of me, I don't know what she meant. Why would anybody ever want to fight for a disloyal man's affection?

What a colossal waste of time.



Anonymous said...

I have a real problem I guess.. Since I don't see sexual infidelity to be THE problem in a relationship as itself.

It is a sign there is a real problem _IN_ the relationship even before other one cheats. You can't come between a tree and its bark.

Either you have chosen a wrong man (with whom you can't be emotionally intimate) or a void has grown between you... and then you are the part of the problem, (and solution too).
Why blame other (or oneself), if/when the relationship can still be saved? What is important is what to do next.

Getting out of relationship is one option, but it is the easy way.. You never need to admit that maybe you need to grow too.
Or you can put everything to the table, and start admitting your own responsibility in the situation. Playing victim is infertile approach.. THAT is YOUR problem, not cheating as such.

Oh, yes.. I have been cheated, but the original fault was in my relationship before it happened. I chose a wrong man for me, someone I never was properly attracted to. I started out with him because he was suitable, "nice" and people said to me "you don't know, you might fall in love". I never did, and end result was what what it was.. He felt slighted, and wanted to prove himself.. Or something? Who cares really, it was not meant to be.

I am sure he is happier now, and I know I am.
"Settling" is just not the way.
That I think is the profound reason for all cheating - you were taking the first suitable option (or you were it to your partner) instead of being really _into_ your partner (or he into you)..

I have seen it happen in so many other relationships too..
Shame really, that people can't handle being single. You can't meet the right person, if you are wasting your time with someone who just isn't the right one for you..

Margaret said...

Oh yes, anonymous, been there done that with the "nice" guy who just doesn't ring my bell!

Bottom line, we have to be willing to risk being alone to find the one who provides the whole nine yards: love, reliability, chemistry.