The Man of Her Dreams? A Freaking Nightmare, is More Like It

Dear Terry,

I downloaded your interesting e-book How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams a while ago. I enjoyed the book a great deal and have been trying to attract the man of my dreams eagerly ever since.

I thought I already met the man of my dreams last year via Internet. He turned out to live in the neigborhood, a divorced man with 3 kids. He was handsome, kind, polite, well tempered, loving, caring, good in bed and in kissing, wealthy, sporty... there were so many good qualities in him and I felt that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It was so good to be in his company that I wanted to turn off the time so that I didn't have to be separated from him ever!

Then he e-mailed me that he wants to be alone. It was quite a shock to me. We met few times during the winter and phoned and e-mailed occasionally. Last April we met in the south of Finland. He told me there that he had met someone and had feelings for her. It was even harder shock to me, although it didn't prevent him spending a lovely evening and night with with me in his hotel room. I met him last time - so far - in the middle of June and he kept hugging and kissing and caressing me while we met and he told that he's seeing that woman whom he told me about in April. I wondered if he had told her about our meeting in April.

I love this guy a great deal, but I sense that he's is not so good as he first seemed. He has been lying to me more than once and it hurt a great deal that he rather slept with his 14-year-old girl than me while he was still living in the same municipality as me. The girl wanted to and of course Daddy couldn't say "no", because he can't say "no" to me, either, but only on e-mail or text-message, not ever face to face!

Any good advice? Probably not the man of my dreams? I loved him, respected and valued him, never was mean or disgusting, but always loving and caring as it's my nature. Eventually, he was distant and cool on emotional level and didn't return my feelings. I just don't know what did I do wrong. Love to hear your comments!

-R


Hi, R-

Thanks for your nice comments about my book.

Now, this fellow you wrote me about, the one you say that emailed you that he wants to be left alone, took up with another woman (but hit the sheets with you on the sly), slept with his 14-year-old (did I miss something here, or did you write that the dude slept with a 14-year-old?), hardly qualifies as anybody's dream man, let alone yours.

So he seemed to have great qualities at first, and oh yeah, he was good in bed (if I had a nickel for every woman lost her head over a guy who was good in bed!), but after a while he began to reveal himself for what he really is: A slimy bastard who may, if I understand you correctly, belong in jail.

Please read your letter again. Read it out loud.

This man is not for you, and you know it. Stop wasting your life thinking about him. The world is full of so many lovely men, and as long as you're fixated on this loser (I don't care what kind of job he has, how polite he is, what a great kisser he is, he's a loser!), you'll never meet the one who's right for you.

You say that this man was emotionally distant. How would it feel to attract a man who isn't emotionally distant, who returns your feelings, and lets you know it every day of your life? How would it feel? Think about it. Write it down. Do you feel any fear when you think about being with a man who truly values you? If so, why do you think that is? What's the downside of being in a truly affectionate relationship?

What does the perfect relationship feel like to you? Write that down. Visualize it. Incorporate all your senses and make it real for you. It doesn't matter if you don't have all the details at first (or even if you believe it's possible). Do this for a few minutes every day, and new details will start to emerge. Refer to How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams and write a script around what you come up with.

Put this clown out of your mind. Stop blaming yourself for doing something wrong. This guy wouldn't be right for you under any circumstances, so be grateful you found out sooner rather than later.

Please do the exercises I describe in the ebook faithfully. Idiots like the one you describe will eventually cease to clutter your path. Treat yourself like a treasure yet to be discovered, and one day, you'll attract a genuinely good man who's actually worthy of you.

To your happily ever after,

Terry

Running Up a Hill

Went in to see Mom yesterday. She was about the same, asleep most of the time and when her eyes were open, they were focused on something else, usually the crucifix over my father's bed.

Dad was extremely quiet, but then it was nearly 100 degrees. He hates air conditioning, so we sat in the heat and tried to read our newspapers. I wore a dress that kept sticking to my legs. I brought Dad the cottage cheese he asked me to pick up for lunch, but he ate a sandwich instead. After a while, I took his book of Irish short stories from the bookcase and read a funny but sad piece by Joseph O'Connor. I think it was called "All Mothers Were the Same."

Went home and drank a bunch of Guinesses with my amazing neighbor, V, who took the offspring to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while I was gone. She stir-fried asparagus and sesame seeds in her new wok and boiled some dumplings she got from Trader Joe's for dinner. Then Peter came over with some pizzas.

Today I took the girls to piano lessons and changed the sheets. Whenever I'm out of this place for a whole day, it takes me another day to catch up. I managed to cook dinner for the first time in almost a week. Didn't get any real writing done, though, which irritates me.

My cousin, Chris, just called me with the names of some restaurants in Westchester we'll consider for the reception after my Mother's burial. Sibling 2 asked him for them; she figures it's better that we make arrangements now, instead of trying to plan a menu between appearances at the wake.

Peter is home. I'm hungry. Let's eat.

My Mother

Spent Saturday night with Mom and Dad. The priest from their parish came over and said a Mass for them. Mom is still sleeping most of the time, and her breathing is often hard and labored. She talks but we can't understand what she's saying.

Was reading her New York Times and was heartened to see a byline by Maureen Dowd, who's been on book leave. She wrote a lovely piece for her mother who died last week.

I have been asked to write the eulogy for my mother when the time comes.

Run, Sienna Miller, Run!

Just logged on to my homepage and found the following headline: Jude Law Publicly Apologizes to Fiancee." If a guy is publicly apologizing about something, the story can't based on the type of half-baked speculation that follows Jennifer Aniston around these days. I had to check it out.

Turns out old Jude, who's engaged to his Alfie co-star Sienna Miller, has been banging one of his children's nannies. How very sad.

You know, there's nothing wrong with being single and having fun. Obviously, Jude isn't ready to be married (again!), so why doesn't he do all of womankind a favor and stop proposing to people.

Hey Jude, go out and have all the sex you want. Just don't do it while you're engaged to be married, you dumb slut.

On Bringing Back a Lost Love

Hi Terry!

There are many e-books that have been written about sure fire ways to bring back ex-loves, regardless of the circumstance. I would love to have your spin on their theories, or additional tips, as I really respect your opinion. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Regards,

L

Hi, L-

Thanks for writing and for the kind words.

I'm not familiar with the books you mention, but as far as bringing back a lost love is concerned it can certainly be done, as long as the man is willing.

It's definitely worth it, though, to sit down and write down exactly why you want him back. Then write down why you might not want him back. The goal is to remember realistically what the relationship was really like, and if it's worth having again.

In the news lately there have been lots of reports of people who've reunited with lost loves and had happy results (Donna Hanover, the former First Lady of New York and ex-wife of Rudy Giuliani, recently married an old schoolmate, for example). But, apparently, most of these people once had good relationships, which make great foundations for new ones.

But I worry about people who long for a lost love who once cheated on them, repeatedly disappointed them, and eventually left them in the dust, often for somebody else. A lot of the time we tend to romanticize "the one who got away" when he never deserved us in the first place.

Before you buy a book that instructs you how to bring back an old love, ask yourself if the person you long for is really worth it. If the answer is yes, go for it. There are no guarantees, of course. You risk rejection, but you'll still achieve peace of mind knowing whether or not the relationship was meant to be.

If you decide that the man is not worth it, ask yourself what kind of person would thrill you the way he once did. What qualities are you looking for? What kinds of things would you do together?

It helps to write a list of these things and contemplate it often. You can write an affirmation (don't ever discount the power of affirmations; they worked for me) like "I am now happily married (or dating) a loyal, loving, reliable, successful, fun man." Write it 10 times a day. Say it out loud before your feet hit the floor in the morning. Repeat it to yourself as you're dropping off to sleep at night.

Just replace the qualities I used for the ones you prefer and be sure to put your affirmation in the present tense. And make sure the guy you envision treats you well and has a sense of humor!


To your happily ever after,
Terry

On Dating, Tama Janowitz, Coldplay, and More

Just finished sending the newsletter. Am thinking of discontinuing it and starting a second blog devoted entirely to dating and relationships instead. What do you think?

Am almost finished with Mansfield Park, which is by far the best book I've read in a year. Next up, A Certain Age by Tama Janowitz and Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman. Saw Hotel Rwanda over the weekend, which renewed my desire to press my representatives to aid Dafur.

The new Coldplay CD is astounding and constantly running in my head. Their performance at Live 8 blew me away, and Madonna certainly silenced critics who've accused her of decaying into a boring housewife. The fellows who gathered around my barbecue table Saturday evening expressed undying admiration for her.

Will spend the weekend with Mommy, who is no longer responsive. The woman who takes care of her still manages to get her to eat, which is a miracle.

Don't Get Sucked In By a Bad Boy

Hi, Terry-

I know you said to stop seeing and cut off the person who is no good for you, but what if you have a child with that person? How do you not get sucked back in?

-m

Hello, M-

Sorry for the delay in responding. I was out of town.

You're in a tough spot. You want to put the guy out of your head, but you have to maintain some sort of relationship with him because you have a child. The best advice I can give you is to write down on a piece of paper exactly what what he's done (every single thing you can think of) that brought you to the conclusion that he is no good for you.

Carry that piece of paper around with you. Read it when you get up in the morning. Read it whenever a happy memory you shared together pops into your head. Read it before you drop off to sleep at night. Read it before he shows up at your house to visit your child. Go into the bathroom and read it after he gives you that smile that makes you want to forgive him for every bad thing he's ever done.

I don't think you should walk around harboring a grudge (because that's not good for your health), but being with a man who you know is not good for you is certainly not good for your health, either. So you do need to remind yourself-- constantly--why you want to break free of this guy.

I don't know if you signed your name with a lower case "M" because it's a style thing, or if subconsciously, you think you don't rate a capital letter. You do.

You deserve the best in life. Please start to think about what the "best in life" means to you in terms of a boyfriend or a husband. Start to formulate a picture of him in your mind. Treat yourself really, really well. Buy yourself flowers once in a while.

If you start treating yourself like the wonderful person you are, eventually other people will, too. And the people who don't (and didn't) will no longer appeal to you.

To your happily ever after,
Terry

Maybe Tom Cruise Isn't Crazy After All

Like the rest of the free world, I've been scratching my head over Tom Cruise's recent desperate attempts for attention. I don't buy the fairy tale romance with Katie Holmes, for instance, especially after his divorces from Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman. (He was really, really, really in love with them, too.)

But when I saw him battling it out about psychiatry and prescription drugs with Matt Lauer last week, I had a change of heart. The guy went whacko on Matt, shouting him down about psychiatry being a pseudoscience and, "Do you know about Adderall, Matt? Do you know about Ritalin?"

And Matt, instead of remaining calm and asking, "I guess I don't, Tom. Why don't you tell me about them?" got defensive. He didn't question Cruise about why he objects so strenuously to psychiatry. Later on in the broadcast, Al Roker remarked that Tom Cruise had been "rude" to Mr. Lauer. Maybe. But Matt definitely lost control of the interview.

When Tom was beating Matt over the head about psychiatry and prescription drugs, he reminded me exactly of a man I know who, as a child, had learning disabilities, and is now angry about the treatment he suffered as a result. Teachers told his mother he needed counseling, but they didn't harbor high hopes for him. In desperation, his mother traipsed him in and out of psychiatrists' offices, took him to "learning specialists" (ha!), "focusing doctors," and on and on and on.

None of them helped. They put him on Ritalin. It didn't help.

Today, through his own determination, the man is a college graduate and has worked, quite profitably, for the same company for almost 15 years. He owns an apartment in Manhattan and is a good deal more successful than the little bastard who used to taunt him on the Pee Wee soccer team.

So, when I see Tom Cruise freaking out about Ritalin and psychiatry, I wonder if he once had a similar experience. I have read that he suffered from learning disorders and dyslexia.

As for his comments about Brooke Shields, I don't agree.

But, interestingly, an AP report in yesterday's Newsday revealed that the FDA plans to strengthen warnings about Concerta, the slow-release version of Ritalin, because a routine review found more psychiatric reactions to the drug than had been previously stated.

Those reactions? Suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, and violent behavior.

This is especially interesting to me because both my children have been diagnosed with ADHD and were prescribed Concerta, after our pediatrician reassured us that Ritalin has been "used safely for 30 years."

I wonder if Matt Lauer will pick up on the AP report that seems to vindicate Tom Cruise. In the meantime, I'll tear up my children's prescription for a Concerta refill.