Terry-
My boyfriend popped the question that we should live together. Right afterward, I fell and broke my wrist. His come-on line was. "You like my house and my dog, right?" We have only been dating four months and I only see him once or twice a month. By the looks of things I probably won't see him until mid-October.
I never answered him when he asked me to move in. I just got really scared, and then I had the accident. I shattered two bones. He wanted me to have surgery in New York so he could take care of me. I wanted it at home where I could take care of myself. I felt like a prisoner in his home until he heard surgery was gonna cost me $2,500 US, and then he couldn't get me home fast enough.
He hasn't returned to see me since. He was supposed to come this weekend, but he had a prior engagement that was rescheduled for the same time, so now I probably won't be seeing him until mid-October.
He calls nightly. When I was recuperating, I didn't always take the call if I was resting. Honestly. The pain meds knocked me out. I was looking for a sign when we walked in the woods prior to my fall.
Was my fall a sign? If so, what did it mean?
-Clueless and Over the Border
Dear Over the Border-
I don't know if your accident was a sign from the universe, but clearly you have serious reservations about this individual. Listen to your intuition.
Why would you leave the country to move in with some guy you've met only a handful of times?
The line about you liking his house and dog was very romantic, by the way.
Terry
Thursday, October 01, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Are You Working Too Hard for Love?
How hard to you have work for love?
If you listen to pop radio, you have to work really, really hard for it. Right now, there's a hit single describing love as a battlefield (not to be confused with Pat Benetar's "Love is a Battlefield," which was a huge hit way back when in the Eighties).
I'm always hearing songs sung by well-lit young women describing their pain in love, and these songs usually become giant hits. And it's no wonder. They can be pretty catchy.
The problem is, a lot of women listen to them and come to the conclusion that love equals pain. If we're not feeling sad, if we're not feeling the drama, then we can't be in love.
Furthermore, a lot of us who are in bad relationships tell ourselves, "Hey, this is the way it's supposed to be. Love is work." This causes some women to put up with a lot of substandard behavior from the men they spend time with.
Please open yourself to the possibility that if you're feeling bad or sad in your relationship more than 20% of the time, you may be in the wrong relationship. You could be with the wrong guy.
Love is not a battlefield. It's supposed to be joyful, exciting, uplifting, full of mutual attraction, affection, consideration, and fun. (Does this mean you'll never have a doubt or a disagreement? No, of course not, but if you're crying more than you're laughing, something is seriously wrong.)
Love is supposed to be you making a special man's happiness your priority. He should be making your happiness his priority (that's where the work comes in; sometimes somebody has to make a sacrifice, and and it shouldn't always be the same somebody).
If your boyfriend often disappoints you, makes you feel less than special, and forces you to work for his affection and attention, you can do better.
Step back. Give yourself time to reconsider whether this person is someone who can make you happy in the long run.
Give yourself the gift of you. In other words, spend time with yourself. Care for yourself. Nurture yourself in the ways that are missing from your relationship. Allow yourself to be happy by yourself.
Decide whether it's time to move on and make room for a man who doesn't expect you to settle for crumbs.
If you listen to pop radio, you have to work really, really hard for it. Right now, there's a hit single describing love as a battlefield (not to be confused with Pat Benetar's "Love is a Battlefield," which was a huge hit way back when in the Eighties).
I'm always hearing songs sung by well-lit young women describing their pain in love, and these songs usually become giant hits. And it's no wonder. They can be pretty catchy.
The problem is, a lot of women listen to them and come to the conclusion that love equals pain. If we're not feeling sad, if we're not feeling the drama, then we can't be in love.
Furthermore, a lot of us who are in bad relationships tell ourselves, "Hey, this is the way it's supposed to be. Love is work." This causes some women to put up with a lot of substandard behavior from the men they spend time with.
Please open yourself to the possibility that if you're feeling bad or sad in your relationship more than 20% of the time, you may be in the wrong relationship. You could be with the wrong guy.
Love is not a battlefield. It's supposed to be joyful, exciting, uplifting, full of mutual attraction, affection, consideration, and fun. (Does this mean you'll never have a doubt or a disagreement? No, of course not, but if you're crying more than you're laughing, something is seriously wrong.)
Love is supposed to be you making a special man's happiness your priority. He should be making your happiness his priority (that's where the work comes in; sometimes somebody has to make a sacrifice, and and it shouldn't always be the same somebody).
If your boyfriend often disappoints you, makes you feel less than special, and forces you to work for his affection and attention, you can do better.
Step back. Give yourself time to reconsider whether this person is someone who can make you happy in the long run.
Give yourself the gift of you. In other words, spend time with yourself. Care for yourself. Nurture yourself in the ways that are missing from your relationship. Allow yourself to be happy by yourself.
Decide whether it's time to move on and make room for a man who doesn't expect you to settle for crumbs.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
SWR Blog Crawl: If You Feel Good About Yourself, DO IT!
Today is Day 4 of the first-ever Single Women Rule blog crawl (which is kind of like a pub crawl with blogs instead of pubs), so if this is your first time at Dating Advice (Almost) Daily, I hope you like what you see. Do come back!
It's my good fortune to post this article by Maryanne Comaroto, who says "great relationships come from within." If you've been with me for a while, you know it's a philosophy I live and breathe.
After you finish reading, do yourself a favor and check out Maryanne Live for more resources for creating fulfilling relationships, starting with that all-important relationship yourself.
If You Feel Good About Yourself - DO IT!
By Maryanne Comaroto
Ever notice when you’re with some people, you feel contracted, self-conscious, worried that who you are is somehow flawed or not enough? And then there are other folks, in whose presence you feel just the opposite. You feel relaxed, expanded, closer to the best version of yourself; natural, free and enough! What is it about the first group of people that entices us to still spend time with them? Or – and here's perhaps a more relevant dating question – why in the WORLD would ever choose to get into a relationship with the former? As a matter of fact, this perplexing twist turns out to be as simple as it is complex—and I am inclined to move towards the simple understanding in this moment.
I'll illustrate it with a story from one of my students who recently started dating again. Her self-care practice is stronger than ever. She knows who she is, what she wants and has a relationship plan and tools in her relationship tool belt. She is gainfully employed, has other work filled with her mission and purpose that she is building on the side, lives where she wants, takes care of her body, puts good things in her mind and prays for guidance. But, like all of us, she struggles from time to time when trying to decide who she wants to be with. Like many of us she is still attracted to what looks good and feels good, but perplexed about why that almost always leads to: “Makes me feel bad about myself in the morning.” And even though she has made her list of non-negotiables and written extensively about the character and makeup of her potential partner, she turns into a deer in the headlights when a certain type of person enters the scene. And forgets all that, as though she’s got temporary amnesia.
My student was confronted with just such a perfect example recently when she told me about two men she was attracted to and interested in:
One she had known casually over some years, the other she met randomly (although at the time she believed their meeting was serendipitous.) The first person was handsome, courteous, grounded, and his words were consistent with his actions.
The second gentleman, while their initial meeting was considerably more electric, was not entirely who he made himself out to be. Turns out, while he was interested in getting to know her, he was not available for a relationship, nor did he call when he said he would.
She shared with me the truth about their meeting, and that she could feel how this guy was like the type of guy she was traditionally attracted to. And at the same time as she recognized this, she also saw that she felt bad about herself almost immediately after meeting him. Whereas bachelor number one has been consistent, even and honest. Fortunately, because today she loves herself and wants a great relationship, she snapped out of it.
♥Sometimes we just got give up the flames for the slow burn!!!
I said this was going to be simple and really, honestly, it is.
Is it true these folks that “bring out the worst in us” have something to teach us? Yes. Or that they are mirroring a part of ourselves that perhaps we do not like? Yes, that is also true. Or that you don’t always, every second of the day, love or like who you are, so therefore it would be unrealistic to think that you would feel in love with yourself in this person’s presence every moment you are with them. Also true.
However—and this is a big however—Why choose your primary love relationship to be a battlefield of personal development if you don’t have to? In other words, if you want to “work on your issues” why not deal with your childhood wounds or mom/dad material head-on? You don’t have to find a mate that rings your bells. Go to therapy. Delve deeply into your subconscious mind and free yourself from these imprints, low self-esteem or self-worth issues. You don’t have to spend your precious time with, have sex with, move in with, or marry them.
Changing certain self-defeating behavior is, like I always say, like pulling a jet plane out of a nose dive. But do not fret. With enough persistence and a daily practice of self-love you are sure to eventually prevail and, like so many of us converts, ultimately make better and better relationship choices, in all areas of your life! And I will keep you posted on our hopeful bachelorette!
For more information on my daily practice and the seven essential truths for waking up and staying awake, check out www.maryannelive.com
Monday, September 21, 2009
He Said He Might Marry Her. Then He Disappeared
Hi Terry,
I've been trying to figure out how to post a question on your blog, but being completely clueless when it comes to blogs, I have no choice but to leave my post as a comment on this one... I hope that's ok?
I am a 34 year old woman (girl?) living in Mumbai, India. After a brief but very painful marriage I found myself building life from ground zero. I've no complaints about my life; it's seriously super. I have a successful business built from scratch, great friends, 3 adorable dogs and as many books as I can read.
But, I've essentially been single since my marriage ended 6 years ago. I'm physically very attractive (credited to good genes), funny, intelligent and an all-round good catch, or so my friends tell me.
I've interacted with a few guys over the years, but nothing really amounted to much. This is mostly in part to my being too needy and clingy around hem, and they being just not worth it.
Now, I've met this perfect man a few days ago. By perfect I mean perfect for ME.
We met, and sat and chatted (and a bit more) till 6:30 am... the next day he called when he said he would, made plans to see my that evening because I was supposed to leave for a holiday the next day.
The holiday didn't happen. But what did is that he talked about how he had given up on meeting someone he wanted to be with, and he had finally met that person (me). He didn't need to look any further now, and really wanted to get to know me, to be with me. Whether that would mean marriage would only be discerned after spending more time together, but he wanted me to know that was committed to at least exploring that option.
Whew! This man has been what I've been looking for in many ways, older than me, well-settled, successful in his own right, sorted in his head, very committed to his sons, fun, well-travelled, well-read... etc etc.
We were to go out Wednesday night with his friends, but he cancelled claiming exhaustion, seeing as both of us had been up for two nights and had been working through the day. We signed off with him saying he'll call me the next day...
It's been two days since then, and there's been no call.
I'm completely thrown by this, as most of the good stuff being said came from him, with no prompting from me. I did talk to him about not being interested in a fling, or being his bit on the side, and he said he understood.
In fact, when I told him that I wasn't leaving for Thailand till next week, he even suggested trying to work things at his end so he could come with me on holiday!
And that's followed by this complete silence. I feel like it's almost a test of some sort, to see if I freak out and get manic and call him 10 times, or then he needs space to think things, maybe he feels he's said too much.
I dont know!
I don't want to call him or text him... I just feel like that wouldn't be a good move... Call it instinct.
What would you say? I'd love some impersonal advice, and yours seems to always be spot on :-)
Thanks a ton,
C.
Dear C.-
First off, thanks for the kind words, and it's fine to leave a question in comments. You can also email questions to terry(at)marrysmart.com.
Your instincts are correct. Do not text or call this guy. He made the unbidden proclamation about you being the woman he's been waiting for, so let him pick up the phone.
You sound extremely self-aware when you say that your former relationships broke up because you were too clingy. This is a great thing to know because next time around, you can easily alter this behavior with a bit of self-control.
But, back to this guy, whom you didn't cling to: He seemed great. He looked great. Smelled great. Said all the right things. And then promptly disappeared.
I understand you must be incredibly disappointed. I mean, what a letdown. On the other hand, if he hasn't re-emerged with an excellent reason for his disappearance by now, he may have done you a favor. I don't know what his intentions were, of course, or if he scared himself.
All I know is that he said he was open to considering the possibility of marriage with you, AND HE'D ONLY JUST MET YOU.
Listen, if some guy I met last Wednesday told me he was open to the possibility of marrying me, I'd tell him:
"I don't even know you."
You don't know this Prince Charming who only seems to be "sorted in his head." And he doesn't know you. His comments about discerning whether he'd marry you one day would be considered presumptuous in the United States. Are they usual for men in India?
Whether the answer is yes or no, I'm going to ask you to be more discerning. When a man you just met tells you you're the one he's been waiting for, take a big step back, raise your eyebrow and say, "Oh, yeah? Why do you think so?"
(Furthermore, why is he presuming that you're going to jump into his arms when he tells you this?)
This is your life we're talking about here.
And look, you say you have a full life. You have good friends, a business of your own, and lots of good books. I know you want a good man at your side, so please hold out for him.
You sound as if you have a great deal to offer, and some man will be very lucky to have you. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by presumptuous characters who are all talk and no action.
I've been trying to figure out how to post a question on your blog, but being completely clueless when it comes to blogs, I have no choice but to leave my post as a comment on this one... I hope that's ok?
I am a 34 year old woman (girl?) living in Mumbai, India. After a brief but very painful marriage I found myself building life from ground zero. I've no complaints about my life; it's seriously super. I have a successful business built from scratch, great friends, 3 adorable dogs and as many books as I can read.
But, I've essentially been single since my marriage ended 6 years ago. I'm physically very attractive (credited to good genes), funny, intelligent and an all-round good catch, or so my friends tell me.
I've interacted with a few guys over the years, but nothing really amounted to much. This is mostly in part to my being too needy and clingy around hem, and they being just not worth it.
Now, I've met this perfect man a few days ago. By perfect I mean perfect for ME.
We met, and sat and chatted (and a bit more) till 6:30 am... the next day he called when he said he would, made plans to see my that evening because I was supposed to leave for a holiday the next day.
The holiday didn't happen. But what did is that he talked about how he had given up on meeting someone he wanted to be with, and he had finally met that person (me). He didn't need to look any further now, and really wanted to get to know me, to be with me. Whether that would mean marriage would only be discerned after spending more time together, but he wanted me to know that was committed to at least exploring that option.
Whew! This man has been what I've been looking for in many ways, older than me, well-settled, successful in his own right, sorted in his head, very committed to his sons, fun, well-travelled, well-read... etc etc.
We were to go out Wednesday night with his friends, but he cancelled claiming exhaustion, seeing as both of us had been up for two nights and had been working through the day. We signed off with him saying he'll call me the next day...
It's been two days since then, and there's been no call.
I'm completely thrown by this, as most of the good stuff being said came from him, with no prompting from me. I did talk to him about not being interested in a fling, or being his bit on the side, and he said he understood.
In fact, when I told him that I wasn't leaving for Thailand till next week, he even suggested trying to work things at his end so he could come with me on holiday!
And that's followed by this complete silence. I feel like it's almost a test of some sort, to see if I freak out and get manic and call him 10 times, or then he needs space to think things, maybe he feels he's said too much.
I dont know!
I don't want to call him or text him... I just feel like that wouldn't be a good move... Call it instinct.
What would you say? I'd love some impersonal advice, and yours seems to always be spot on :-)
Thanks a ton,
C.
Dear C.-
First off, thanks for the kind words, and it's fine to leave a question in comments. You can also email questions to terry(at)marrysmart.com.
Your instincts are correct. Do not text or call this guy. He made the unbidden proclamation about you being the woman he's been waiting for, so let him pick up the phone.
You sound extremely self-aware when you say that your former relationships broke up because you were too clingy. This is a great thing to know because next time around, you can easily alter this behavior with a bit of self-control.
But, back to this guy, whom you didn't cling to: He seemed great. He looked great. Smelled great. Said all the right things. And then promptly disappeared.
I understand you must be incredibly disappointed. I mean, what a letdown. On the other hand, if he hasn't re-emerged with an excellent reason for his disappearance by now, he may have done you a favor. I don't know what his intentions were, of course, or if he scared himself.
All I know is that he said he was open to considering the possibility of marriage with you, AND HE'D ONLY JUST MET YOU.
Listen, if some guy I met last Wednesday told me he was open to the possibility of marrying me, I'd tell him:
"I don't even know you."
You don't know this Prince Charming who only seems to be "sorted in his head." And he doesn't know you. His comments about discerning whether he'd marry you one day would be considered presumptuous in the United States. Are they usual for men in India?
Whether the answer is yes or no, I'm going to ask you to be more discerning. When a man you just met tells you you're the one he's been waiting for, take a big step back, raise your eyebrow and say, "Oh, yeah? Why do you think so?"
(Furthermore, why is he presuming that you're going to jump into his arms when he tells you this?)
This is your life we're talking about here.
And look, you say you have a full life. You have good friends, a business of your own, and lots of good books. I know you want a good man at your side, so please hold out for him.
You sound as if you have a great deal to offer, and some man will be very lucky to have you. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by presumptuous characters who are all talk and no action.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
She Doesn't Want to Seem Too Eager
Hi Terry,
I have to say, after reading your (amazing!) e-book I feel like I've opened Pandora's box haha!. Seriously though, all my wishes and desires are manifesting almost magically and I couldn't be happier. So as to stay on the right track, I have a question about pacing.
I know that Mimi Tanner advocates going slow and playing "hard to get". I completely understand the thinking/purpose behind that in the long run. Here's my question, what do you say when you are newly dating a guy (about 1 month), have yet to have the relationship/exclusivity talk, and he begins asking questions about your past and/or feelings about marriage/kids etc.
Specifically, he is asking about my past marriage. My thoughts are to place things in a positive light and cite it as a learning experience. Of course, I don't want to seem anti-marriage in ANY way as I certainly AM NOT but I also don't want to seem too eager with someone so new. Do you see where I'm coming from? Please tell me Terry, how do I navigate these waters successfully and with grace?
Thank you SO much....I look forward to hearing your advice!
All the best,
Graceful
Dear Graceful-
Thanks for the kind and encouraging words. They mean a great deal to me.
I think your instincts are right. Do place your former marriage in a positive light and say that you learned from it. There's nothing eager about being clear about the fact that you're open to the possibility of getting married again, but you could say, "The next time I do it, I want it to be right. I learned a lot the last time around." And if you hope to have children one day, say so.
You're not telling the guy, "I WANT TO MARRY YOU. I WANT TO BE THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!" You're merely saying you're open to the idea of getting married to the right person in the future.
I hope this helps.
Terry
I have to say, after reading your (amazing!) e-book I feel like I've opened Pandora's box haha!. Seriously though, all my wishes and desires are manifesting almost magically and I couldn't be happier. So as to stay on the right track, I have a question about pacing.
I know that Mimi Tanner advocates going slow and playing "hard to get". I completely understand the thinking/purpose behind that in the long run. Here's my question, what do you say when you are newly dating a guy (about 1 month), have yet to have the relationship/exclusivity talk, and he begins asking questions about your past and/or feelings about marriage/kids etc.
Specifically, he is asking about my past marriage. My thoughts are to place things in a positive light and cite it as a learning experience. Of course, I don't want to seem anti-marriage in ANY way as I certainly AM NOT but I also don't want to seem too eager with someone so new. Do you see where I'm coming from? Please tell me Terry, how do I navigate these waters successfully and with grace?
Thank you SO much....I look forward to hearing your advice!
All the best,
Graceful
Dear Graceful-
Thanks for the kind and encouraging words. They mean a great deal to me.
I think your instincts are right. Do place your former marriage in a positive light and say that you learned from it. There's nothing eager about being clear about the fact that you're open to the possibility of getting married again, but you could say, "The next time I do it, I want it to be right. I learned a lot the last time around." And if you hope to have children one day, say so.
You're not telling the guy, "I WANT TO MARRY YOU. I WANT TO BE THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!" You're merely saying you're open to the idea of getting married to the right person in the future.
I hope this helps.
Terry
Monday, September 14, 2009
He Asked Her to Be 'Exclusive,' and Now He's Backing Off
Hi Terry!
I have scored the most perfect Prince Charming ever! The first couple months went great (it was all like you said - HE did everything! Decided for us to become exclusive, even started talking about marriage within the first month of dating) but as with all my relationships - a couple months later (about the 10 month point for this one) and the infatuation phase runs out. I know you say that backing off and giving him space will make him come back on his own and return as someone that wants you to be exclusive with him. But in my situation we're already exclusive! And he's still pulled back! Is there any advice for this? Is this normal?
PLEASE HELP!
-Exclusive
Dear Exclusive-
My heart goes out to you now because obviously you're hurt and confused.
Even though he asked to be exclusive, is it possible that he's come to take you for granted?
In other words, have you given him a reason to take you for granted? Have you ever broken plans with your friends to be with him? Do you call him or text him often? (I don't care if you're a man or a woman; too-frequent contact is a romance killer.) Are you doing too much for him? Making his dinner all the time, picking up his dry cleaning, returning his library books?
If so, you're not making yourself indispensible. You're smothering him.
If this is the case, please do yourself a favor and take a step back. Start filling your time with friends. Go out for drinks for colleagues. Let him be the adult he is and take care of his own laundry, meals, etc. Let him do some things for you. Men like to do things for women. They enjoy giving things to women. If you've taken those particular life's pleasures from him, please stop.
If you back off for a while, and he steps forward again, remember this: Being an exclusive couple is great, but your boyfriend was attracted to you because of YOU-- who you are, what you do, how you think, what makes you laugh, and so on. If you allow yourself to be half of a couple instead of a full person in a dynamic, loving relationship, you lose yourself.
And he loses you,
Without a complete picture of your relationship, my best suggestion is to return to being the full woman the man fell in love with; if you have any preconceived notions about how a full-time girlfriend is to behave (aside from kindly, honestly, and faithfully), please drop them.
Be the girl you used to be.
Good luck.
Terry
I have scored the most perfect Prince Charming ever! The first couple months went great (it was all like you said - HE did everything! Decided for us to become exclusive, even started talking about marriage within the first month of dating) but as with all my relationships - a couple months later (about the 10 month point for this one) and the infatuation phase runs out. I know you say that backing off and giving him space will make him come back on his own and return as someone that wants you to be exclusive with him. But in my situation we're already exclusive! And he's still pulled back! Is there any advice for this? Is this normal?
PLEASE HELP!
-Exclusive
Dear Exclusive-
My heart goes out to you now because obviously you're hurt and confused.
Even though he asked to be exclusive, is it possible that he's come to take you for granted?
In other words, have you given him a reason to take you for granted? Have you ever broken plans with your friends to be with him? Do you call him or text him often? (I don't care if you're a man or a woman; too-frequent contact is a romance killer.) Are you doing too much for him? Making his dinner all the time, picking up his dry cleaning, returning his library books?
If so, you're not making yourself indispensible. You're smothering him.
If this is the case, please do yourself a favor and take a step back. Start filling your time with friends. Go out for drinks for colleagues. Let him be the adult he is and take care of his own laundry, meals, etc. Let him do some things for you. Men like to do things for women. They enjoy giving things to women. If you've taken those particular life's pleasures from him, please stop.
If you back off for a while, and he steps forward again, remember this: Being an exclusive couple is great, but your boyfriend was attracted to you because of YOU-- who you are, what you do, how you think, what makes you laugh, and so on. If you allow yourself to be half of a couple instead of a full person in a dynamic, loving relationship, you lose yourself.
And he loses you,
Without a complete picture of your relationship, my best suggestion is to return to being the full woman the man fell in love with; if you have any preconceived notions about how a full-time girlfriend is to behave (aside from kindly, honestly, and faithfully), please drop them.
Be the girl you used to be.
Good luck.
Terry
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
She Worries About American Women
Dear Terry:
It disturbs me how much American women just LIVE for the big wedding day .. and being MARRIED. There is more to life than bouquets, champagne toasts, and a white dress and a wedding night.
After that -- comes LIFE. Kids, or infertility problems, or babies' deaths, or unemployment, or hurricanes and houses lost...
I LOVE your messages so don't get me wrong. You mean well. But there IS more in this life then THE BIG WEDDING day and getting a ring on your finger. This is not life.
Life is a committed, sane partner and even if there's no officially expensive big fiesta, it is good all the same. Why are American women so flipping OBSESSED with snaring a man "for life"?
The statistics recently show than 50% of marriages (first time) don't last ... And over 60% of 2nd marriages don't either.
We could maybe focus more on building a GREAT relationship, maybe a recomposed family etc without putting so much accentuation on THE RING...
Just food for thought :) Be good and enjoy your weekend !!
-Concerned Reader
Dear Concerned,
Thanks for writing.
I've been married for 17 years, so I do know that marriage is not all about champagne and engagement rings. Those things will never make anyone happy for very long. (I don't usually mention weddings or rings in my emails, and I didn't in the one to which you refer.)
My message is for women who want to be happy, and to be happy they've got to decide to enjoy life with or without a man. They have to be whole people, not half a person searching for that elusive other half. Let's face it; we're all responsible for our own happiness. That's why I hope to help some women to stop settling for less than they deserve in a relationship.
I've found that it's not just American women who obsess about getting married (and they obsess about getting married because society still mantains that a woman needs a man to be considered successful, which is a load of bunk in my opinion). I get mail from plenty of women in the UK and other places, too.
I also write for a website called SingleWomenRule.com, which is devoted to helping women enjoy everything life has to offer whether or not the 'knight in shining armor' ever shows up.
Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I do appreciate it.
-Terry
It disturbs me how much American women just LIVE for the big wedding day .. and being MARRIED. There is more to life than bouquets, champagne toasts, and a white dress and a wedding night.
After that -- comes LIFE. Kids, or infertility problems, or babies' deaths, or unemployment, or hurricanes and houses lost...
I LOVE your messages so don't get me wrong. You mean well. But there IS more in this life then THE BIG WEDDING day and getting a ring on your finger. This is not life.
Life is a committed, sane partner and even if there's no officially expensive big fiesta, it is good all the same. Why are American women so flipping OBSESSED with snaring a man "for life"?
The statistics recently show than 50% of marriages (first time) don't last ... And over 60% of 2nd marriages don't either.
We could maybe focus more on building a GREAT relationship, maybe a recomposed family etc without putting so much accentuation on THE RING...
Just food for thought :) Be good and enjoy your weekend !!
-Concerned Reader
Dear Concerned,
Thanks for writing.
I've been married for 17 years, so I do know that marriage is not all about champagne and engagement rings. Those things will never make anyone happy for very long. (I don't usually mention weddings or rings in my emails, and I didn't in the one to which you refer.)
My message is for women who want to be happy, and to be happy they've got to decide to enjoy life with or without a man. They have to be whole people, not half a person searching for that elusive other half. Let's face it; we're all responsible for our own happiness. That's why I hope to help some women to stop settling for less than they deserve in a relationship.
I've found that it's not just American women who obsess about getting married (and they obsess about getting married because society still mantains that a woman needs a man to be considered successful, which is a load of bunk in my opinion). I get mail from plenty of women in the UK and other places, too.
I also write for a website called SingleWomenRule.com, which is devoted to helping women enjoy everything life has to offer whether or not the 'knight in shining armor' ever shows up.
Thanks again for sharing your perspective. I do appreciate it.
-Terry
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
She Thinks She Has a Problem With Men
Hi, Terry-
Thanks for your emails. I’d really appreciate some advice from you.
I think I have a problem with guys – they always seem to be intimidated by me, no matter how hard I try to show them I’m an ordinary person. One problem I have, if you can call it a problem, is that I’m very intelligent. I was educated in the best universities and I’ve been a lecturer at a good university for the last three years.
When guys first meet me, they seem interested and ask me out. After we go out a few times, either they get scared off and slowly disappear or they stick around but become very careful with me and give me mixed signals. Too scared to kiss me, waiting for me to make the first move – which I never do because I think that’s the man’s job. I’m very traditional. This is sometimes prolonged. They flirt with me, take me out, call me a lot but when it’s time to show romantic interest, they play the ‘we are just friends’ card. This happened to me many times. Or I’m told ‘you are too nice, I don’t want to hurt you’ or that ‘if I go out with you, you’d be demanding and want serious commitment’. Or I’m told ‘I was never sure you were interested’, even though I may tell them and/or spend time going out with them a lot…
I know some of the guys I dated (if you can describe this behaviour as dating), felt very inferior and tried to put me down to show who is the man. They went on to find girlfriends they were more comfortable with (usually, less educated than them).
Another problem I have is that men never think I’m single. I’ve been told ‘you don’t act as if you are looking for someone’ or that ‘you are too good looking to be single/go out with me/date normal men’. Again, all this is rubbish.
Yes, I’m a clever, serious and hardworking person but I’m also very sociable and make friends very easily. I've always had many good male friends. So I don’t understand why this is happening to me all the time and men can't see me as a girlfriend. If anything, I think I’m actually too nice to men I like and I tolerate a lot, apart from jumping into bed with them. I want to wait to be in a serious relationship before I do that.
I’m not sure if that’s the problem at the end of the day – them feeling I’m not about to sleep with them without them putting in some effort. But I think I deserve the extra effort (extra being what every girl would want – not talking about spending money on me).
Sorry to go on like this. I’d be interested to hear what you have to say. I don’t know if this is of relevance, but I was brought up in a country different from the one I live and work. So that makes me a foreigner I guess.
-Too Smart For My Own Good?
Dear Smart-
Right off the bat, I'll tell you I am not as smart as you, haven't been to the best universities (although I did go to a decent one) and haven't taught at any, either.
Yet, on more than one occasion I came across a guy who'd tell me, "You're too smart." On one particular occasion, a dude told me, "You're very bright and attractive, but I'm looking for someone I can mold."
Seriously. He said that.
It goes without saying that I'd prefer not to date (or marry) any person who needs to mold me or who finds my intelligence intimidating. Life is too short to hang out with morons.
That said, I'd been told by some people that I could be perceived as "hard to get to know," "snobbish," and having a "superior attitude." The fact of the matter is that I was none of these things. I was shy, and it took me a while to learn not to stiffen up around people. I've always found it easier to be the person asking questions of other people, rather than have them ask them about me. And while it's true nobody wants to hang around some bore who goes on and on about herself, we do have to reveal some details about ourselves if people are ever going to feel close to us.
You say you come from a different culture than the one you're currently living in, and it's possible something is indeed getting lost in translation. But you make friends easily, and a lot of those friends are men. Would you feel comfortable saying to one of them, "You know, I'd really like to meet someone special, but I seem to have trouble getting things off the ground. Is there some advice you could give me?"
You may be embarrassed to ask for help, but people are usually glad to give it to you (and flattered that you asked).
When a man tells you you're too good looking to date, or that you don't appear to be looking for someone, put the ball back in his court. Look him in the eye, smile, and say, "Why do you say that?"
Let him tell you. His answer should tell you everything you need to know (whether he's got serious insecurity issues, for example, or if you seem unapproachable).
You say that you're too nice to guys sometimes and put up with too much. What are you putting up with, exactly? When you let a person treat you less than well, they come away with the impression that you're not much of a catch, no matter how smart or good-looking you are.
This may be why some men tell you "you're too nice," or that they expect you'll demand a commitment if they keep seeing you.
So...
I'm wondering if you're not smiling enough, being playful enough when you first meet a guy. And then, when you start dating him and things start to progress, you put up with too much nonsense, which lowers your value (think about it: when a guy accepts bad treatment, do you value him?).
I haven't seen you in action, so I'm just throwing things out here. You're attractive, smart, and make friends easily, so you definitely have what it takes to attract a great guy and enjoy a lasting relationship.
One more thing: Guys who need to let you know who "the man" is should be dismissed immediately. Right: You're a woman, and he's a man. That's a given. None of us should be marching around having to prove our gender all damn day.
A guy who's threatened by you in any way for any reason is a bad bet. We are what we are. We want to be loved for who we are.
How's this for an affirmation?
"I, _________________, am happily married to a loyal, loving, fun man who loves me just as I am and is thrilled by my intelligence."
Tweak it, if you like. Then, using all your senses, bring that man and that relationship to life in your imagination. It'll be sketchy at first, but with perseverance, details will fill themselves in. Keep bringing that relationship to life in your imagination several times a day.
I've asked my colleague, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, to weigh in on this question, so please watch the comments for her take.
Readers, if you have any suggestions for our friend, I'd love to hear them.
Thanks for your emails. I’d really appreciate some advice from you.
I think I have a problem with guys – they always seem to be intimidated by me, no matter how hard I try to show them I’m an ordinary person. One problem I have, if you can call it a problem, is that I’m very intelligent. I was educated in the best universities and I’ve been a lecturer at a good university for the last three years.
When guys first meet me, they seem interested and ask me out. After we go out a few times, either they get scared off and slowly disappear or they stick around but become very careful with me and give me mixed signals. Too scared to kiss me, waiting for me to make the first move – which I never do because I think that’s the man’s job. I’m very traditional. This is sometimes prolonged. They flirt with me, take me out, call me a lot but when it’s time to show romantic interest, they play the ‘we are just friends’ card. This happened to me many times. Or I’m told ‘you are too nice, I don’t want to hurt you’ or that ‘if I go out with you, you’d be demanding and want serious commitment’. Or I’m told ‘I was never sure you were interested’, even though I may tell them and/or spend time going out with them a lot…
I know some of the guys I dated (if you can describe this behaviour as dating), felt very inferior and tried to put me down to show who is the man. They went on to find girlfriends they were more comfortable with (usually, less educated than them).
Another problem I have is that men never think I’m single. I’ve been told ‘you don’t act as if you are looking for someone’ or that ‘you are too good looking to be single/go out with me/date normal men’. Again, all this is rubbish.
Yes, I’m a clever, serious and hardworking person but I’m also very sociable and make friends very easily. I've always had many good male friends. So I don’t understand why this is happening to me all the time and men can't see me as a girlfriend. If anything, I think I’m actually too nice to men I like and I tolerate a lot, apart from jumping into bed with them. I want to wait to be in a serious relationship before I do that.
I’m not sure if that’s the problem at the end of the day – them feeling I’m not about to sleep with them without them putting in some effort. But I think I deserve the extra effort (extra being what every girl would want – not talking about spending money on me).
Sorry to go on like this. I’d be interested to hear what you have to say. I don’t know if this is of relevance, but I was brought up in a country different from the one I live and work. So that makes me a foreigner I guess.
-Too Smart For My Own Good?
Dear Smart-
Right off the bat, I'll tell you I am not as smart as you, haven't been to the best universities (although I did go to a decent one) and haven't taught at any, either.
Yet, on more than one occasion I came across a guy who'd tell me, "You're too smart." On one particular occasion, a dude told me, "You're very bright and attractive, but I'm looking for someone I can mold."
Seriously. He said that.
It goes without saying that I'd prefer not to date (or marry) any person who needs to mold me or who finds my intelligence intimidating. Life is too short to hang out with morons.
That said, I'd been told by some people that I could be perceived as "hard to get to know," "snobbish," and having a "superior attitude." The fact of the matter is that I was none of these things. I was shy, and it took me a while to learn not to stiffen up around people. I've always found it easier to be the person asking questions of other people, rather than have them ask them about me. And while it's true nobody wants to hang around some bore who goes on and on about herself, we do have to reveal some details about ourselves if people are ever going to feel close to us.
You say you come from a different culture than the one you're currently living in, and it's possible something is indeed getting lost in translation. But you make friends easily, and a lot of those friends are men. Would you feel comfortable saying to one of them, "You know, I'd really like to meet someone special, but I seem to have trouble getting things off the ground. Is there some advice you could give me?"
You may be embarrassed to ask for help, but people are usually glad to give it to you (and flattered that you asked).
When a man tells you you're too good looking to date, or that you don't appear to be looking for someone, put the ball back in his court. Look him in the eye, smile, and say, "Why do you say that?"
Let him tell you. His answer should tell you everything you need to know (whether he's got serious insecurity issues, for example, or if you seem unapproachable).
You say that you're too nice to guys sometimes and put up with too much. What are you putting up with, exactly? When you let a person treat you less than well, they come away with the impression that you're not much of a catch, no matter how smart or good-looking you are.
This may be why some men tell you "you're too nice," or that they expect you'll demand a commitment if they keep seeing you.
So...
I'm wondering if you're not smiling enough, being playful enough when you first meet a guy. And then, when you start dating him and things start to progress, you put up with too much nonsense, which lowers your value (think about it: when a guy accepts bad treatment, do you value him?).
I haven't seen you in action, so I'm just throwing things out here. You're attractive, smart, and make friends easily, so you definitely have what it takes to attract a great guy and enjoy a lasting relationship.
One more thing: Guys who need to let you know who "the man" is should be dismissed immediately. Right: You're a woman, and he's a man. That's a given. None of us should be marching around having to prove our gender all damn day.
A guy who's threatened by you in any way for any reason is a bad bet. We are what we are. We want to be loved for who we are.
How's this for an affirmation?
"I, _________________, am happily married to a loyal, loving, fun man who loves me just as I am and is thrilled by my intelligence."
Tweak it, if you like. Then, using all your senses, bring that man and that relationship to life in your imagination. It'll be sketchy at first, but with perseverance, details will fill themselves in. Keep bringing that relationship to life in your imagination several times a day.
I've asked my colleague, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, to weigh in on this question, so please watch the comments for her take.
Readers, if you have any suggestions for our friend, I'd love to hear them.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Surviving a Break-Up
A reader wrote to recommend the following video, in which makeup artist Kandee Johnson gives advice on getting over an ex. Kandee's tips apply to both men and women, and it doesn't matter how old you are, either.
It's good stuff. Check it out:
It's good stuff. Check it out:
Monday, August 31, 2009
Online Dating: When Should He Offer to Pick Her Up?
Hi Terry!
I read your book, began visualizing, listing, etc., and lo and behold a seemingly nice guy has materialized (wow!). Ok, so my question is, since we met online, how many times should we meet (drive to our meeting spot separately) before I can expect him to offer to pick me up? Also, how do I even approach this? Ideally, shouldn't he be offering this at some point? Please let me know your thoughts.....thanks Terry!
-The Going's Good
Hi, Going-
Congratulations on meeting a seemingly nice guy!
Okay, it's possible that this fellow will be the one for you, but it's also possible that he's a dress rehearsal for someone even better.
So...
Drive separately to meet him in some public place until you are convinced that he really and truly is a "nice guy" and worthy of your time. Play it by ear. If things go well, I imagine that he'd suggest that you travel together after a few good dates.
Please don't put any pressure on yourself or on the situation for him to be "the one." Keep affirming and visualizing. Enjoy yourself, be yourself, and don't limit yourself until you're sure that any man is the right man for you.
In other words, keep your options open.
Thinking very good thoughts for you,
Terry
I read your book, began visualizing, listing, etc., and lo and behold a seemingly nice guy has materialized (wow!). Ok, so my question is, since we met online, how many times should we meet (drive to our meeting spot separately) before I can expect him to offer to pick me up? Also, how do I even approach this? Ideally, shouldn't he be offering this at some point? Please let me know your thoughts.....thanks Terry!
-The Going's Good
Hi, Going-
Congratulations on meeting a seemingly nice guy!
Okay, it's possible that this fellow will be the one for you, but it's also possible that he's a dress rehearsal for someone even better.
So...
Drive separately to meet him in some public place until you are convinced that he really and truly is a "nice guy" and worthy of your time. Play it by ear. If things go well, I imagine that he'd suggest that you travel together after a few good dates.
Please don't put any pressure on yourself or on the situation for him to be "the one." Keep affirming and visualizing. Enjoy yourself, be yourself, and don't limit yourself until you're sure that any man is the right man for you.
In other words, keep your options open.
Thinking very good thoughts for you,
Terry
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
She's Waiting For a Man to Get a Divorce and Marry Her
Hi, Terry-
I liked your book. It's simple and straightforward in the good sense.
I love it that you dispelled the American cultural myth of the men shortage. Before I came to America, I'd never heard of it either so I could very much relate to your Irish friend.
I have a question about my situation. I'm in my forties (yikes) and have been dating a great man for almost 2 years. I do want to get married and preferably to him because we've had a wonderful time and I love and like him a lot. He's separated, living in his own place, and says he wants to be with me for the rest of my life. He talks about future plans with me. But he still hasn't filed for divorce. He left her and the only contact they have is about the son. Even his mom who likes me asked him about the progress and wasn't very pleased that he had not taken any steps. Life threw a curveball, his son got very sick a month ago, and now he says that his plan had been to finalize his divorce this summer, and now it has to wait. And now he says it will be October until he gets to it. His son is still pretty ill and my bf is very stressed and occupied by this.
Now my part. I've let him know a year ago that I did want to get married. I get very down because I despair of his lack of actions. I'm too afraid to bring it up, probably because I think what he says are all excuses why he doesn't file for his divorce (you read that in all the books on dating, The Rules, it's always an excuse). I've been betrayed before and it does color how I see the situation and I might not be seeing it accurate. I also read too many scary advice emails, The Rules, and everything on the planet that makes it sound that getting married is more difficult than anything a woman could ever accomplish.
He brings up the status of his divorce progress repeatedly (I've asked him about it once) but it might just be out of guilt because he knows it's not right to put it off any longer. I never talk about the future or getting married. Should I? It's really not the same as the man doing it for me. I'm hopelessly confused. I want to get married because it's saying yes to being there for each other, to building a life together and I just can't give myself away to a man that doesn't give me this level of commitment. If he's as crazy about me as he says, then I don't get it that he doesn't move forward. My first husband married me within 3 weeks. In hindsight out of fear someone else would. Do I make it too easy on my bf by never saying anything? He's says all the right things and does the right things (calling me, planning dates), I'm his soulmate, etc. but without the action to get his divorce handled. what does it mean? Every time he says it now, I feel down and think "we'll see."
I'm confused and don't know what to do. I do have a life of my own, I seldom call him (I just can't, it feels better when he calls me), at my age I don't have men swarming around me but men do flirt with me occassionaly. According to the Rules it should progress but I don't feel it does. My fear of being betrayed which is a childhood thing doesn't help seeing what's going on. Let me know what you think. Have I given him the message he can be with me without marrying me? Thanks.
-Waiting
Dear Waiting-
Let me just say I don't think you've given him the "wrong message" about having you without being married to you. I don't think you're giving him a message at all.
A year ago, you told him you wanted to get married, but since then, you haven't brought it up. I don't care what The Rules says; this is your life we're talking about here, and you do have a right to communicate your feelings.
For all this man knows, you're not all that interested in getting married. You rarely call him, you don't make dates, and you've been trained by books like The Rules to say nothing and do nothing.
Yes, he could be making excuses. He may have no intentions of ever divorcing, and maybe all his proclamations about you being his soulmate are hot air. But how are you to know?
The next time he tells you how you light up his sky, why don't you say to him, "You know, I feel the same way about you. I'd like to build a life with you. How do you feel about it?"
Then listen. Watch his hands, his eyes, and open your ears. If he gives you another excuse, then it might be time to pull back a bit, not out of some manipulative The Rules way, but out of self-protection.
This means that you can be there for him some of the time, particularly now while he deals with the stress of his child's illness, but not all the time. Occasionally, when he calls to get together, you should be able to tell him you've already made plans. Fill your time with nourishing activities, whether it's going out with friends, going to a yoga class, catching a ballet by yourself, seeing a comedy. Whatever.
It's not necessary to break up with the guy, but it is a good idea to keep him at arm's length until he figures out what he wants to do with himself.The bonus? If he figures out he doesn't intend to get a divorce, you can settle further into an increasingly comfortable new reality that doesn't include him.
As for you being in your forties, big deal. If you're feeling less attractive about it, then by all means, find a new interest. Learn a new language or something. Learning is the fountain of youth, and developing new interests gives your life another fascinating facet, and it helps keep your mind off you-know-who.
Also: Your betrayal issues. If you find they're holding your back (I'm no psychiatrist, but is it possible that part of the attraction to this guy is the fact that he's not divorced, and therefore you don't really have to worry about a betrayal?), please seek the help of a good licensed therapist.
And, whatever you do, please stop reading The Rules (or any other book that make attracting a good husband sound impossible). The authors do have a point about not being overly available (everybody wants to work a little; women want to work a little for men, too), but the business about not returning calls is complete nonsense.
To me, it all comes down to treating the other person as you would have him treat you. Then ask yourself if he's treating you as you would treat him. If the answer is yes, great. If not, it's time to make an adjustment.
I liked your book. It's simple and straightforward in the good sense.
I love it that you dispelled the American cultural myth of the men shortage. Before I came to America, I'd never heard of it either so I could very much relate to your Irish friend.
I have a question about my situation. I'm in my forties (yikes) and have been dating a great man for almost 2 years. I do want to get married and preferably to him because we've had a wonderful time and I love and like him a lot. He's separated, living in his own place, and says he wants to be with me for the rest of my life. He talks about future plans with me. But he still hasn't filed for divorce. He left her and the only contact they have is about the son. Even his mom who likes me asked him about the progress and wasn't very pleased that he had not taken any steps. Life threw a curveball, his son got very sick a month ago, and now he says that his plan had been to finalize his divorce this summer, and now it has to wait. And now he says it will be October until he gets to it. His son is still pretty ill and my bf is very stressed and occupied by this.
Now my part. I've let him know a year ago that I did want to get married. I get very down because I despair of his lack of actions. I'm too afraid to bring it up, probably because I think what he says are all excuses why he doesn't file for his divorce (you read that in all the books on dating, The Rules, it's always an excuse). I've been betrayed before and it does color how I see the situation and I might not be seeing it accurate. I also read too many scary advice emails, The Rules, and everything on the planet that makes it sound that getting married is more difficult than anything a woman could ever accomplish.
He brings up the status of his divorce progress repeatedly (I've asked him about it once) but it might just be out of guilt because he knows it's not right to put it off any longer. I never talk about the future or getting married. Should I? It's really not the same as the man doing it for me. I'm hopelessly confused. I want to get married because it's saying yes to being there for each other, to building a life together and I just can't give myself away to a man that doesn't give me this level of commitment. If he's as crazy about me as he says, then I don't get it that he doesn't move forward. My first husband married me within 3 weeks. In hindsight out of fear someone else would. Do I make it too easy on my bf by never saying anything? He's says all the right things and does the right things (calling me, planning dates), I'm his soulmate, etc. but without the action to get his divorce handled. what does it mean? Every time he says it now, I feel down and think "we'll see."
I'm confused and don't know what to do. I do have a life of my own, I seldom call him (I just can't, it feels better when he calls me), at my age I don't have men swarming around me but men do flirt with me occassionaly. According to the Rules it should progress but I don't feel it does. My fear of being betrayed which is a childhood thing doesn't help seeing what's going on. Let me know what you think. Have I given him the message he can be with me without marrying me? Thanks.
-Waiting
Dear Waiting-
Let me just say I don't think you've given him the "wrong message" about having you without being married to you. I don't think you're giving him a message at all.
A year ago, you told him you wanted to get married, but since then, you haven't brought it up. I don't care what The Rules says; this is your life we're talking about here, and you do have a right to communicate your feelings.
For all this man knows, you're not all that interested in getting married. You rarely call him, you don't make dates, and you've been trained by books like The Rules to say nothing and do nothing.
Yes, he could be making excuses. He may have no intentions of ever divorcing, and maybe all his proclamations about you being his soulmate are hot air. But how are you to know?
The next time he tells you how you light up his sky, why don't you say to him, "You know, I feel the same way about you. I'd like to build a life with you. How do you feel about it?"
Then listen. Watch his hands, his eyes, and open your ears. If he gives you another excuse, then it might be time to pull back a bit, not out of some manipulative The Rules way, but out of self-protection.
This means that you can be there for him some of the time, particularly now while he deals with the stress of his child's illness, but not all the time. Occasionally, when he calls to get together, you should be able to tell him you've already made plans. Fill your time with nourishing activities, whether it's going out with friends, going to a yoga class, catching a ballet by yourself, seeing a comedy. Whatever.
It's not necessary to break up with the guy, but it is a good idea to keep him at arm's length until he figures out what he wants to do with himself.The bonus? If he figures out he doesn't intend to get a divorce, you can settle further into an increasingly comfortable new reality that doesn't include him.
As for you being in your forties, big deal. If you're feeling less attractive about it, then by all means, find a new interest. Learn a new language or something. Learning is the fountain of youth, and developing new interests gives your life another fascinating facet, and it helps keep your mind off you-know-who.
Also: Your betrayal issues. If you find they're holding your back (I'm no psychiatrist, but is it possible that part of the attraction to this guy is the fact that he's not divorced, and therefore you don't really have to worry about a betrayal?), please seek the help of a good licensed therapist.
And, whatever you do, please stop reading The Rules (or any other book that make attracting a good husband sound impossible). The authors do have a point about not being overly available (everybody wants to work a little; women want to work a little for men, too), but the business about not returning calls is complete nonsense.
To me, it all comes down to treating the other person as you would have him treat you. Then ask yourself if he's treating you as you would treat him. If the answer is yes, great. If not, it's time to make an adjustment.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
How Does She Get Over Him?
Dear Terry,
I've a huge crush on this friend of mine. We initially met online through a music community we both signed up for.
He recently got divorced few months back,and is shattered by it. He got serious in his pursuit for music only after his divorce, and he has a great career in singing now, apart from being a manager during the day.
He said he'd like to marry again in the next year or two, but it doesn't matter who the girl is going to be, 'coz his first love will always be music because music is his first priority in life (he sings very well with a very beautiful and mesmerizing voice).
I'm not fine with being that 'any girl', as I've lot of great traits which could be cherished by a noble man who has a balanced life, and to whom family life is also a top priority.
His haunting voice is taking its toll on me now, and I don't want to think about him anymore. I think I'm on the right track, but I'm not sure how to get over him. He's a famous celebrity now in my city and gives performances that I always made it a routine to see to make my week-ends joyful.
I sometimes hate music now when I talk to him, didn't have any closure as we're only 'friends.' But I can tell he likes spending a lot of time with me and is attracted to me.
Can you please give me some advice on getting over him? Do I have to break the friendship to get over him?
-Keep Me Anonymous
Dear Keep Me-
You've made a decision to get over him, which puts you ahead of the game. A lot of us want to get over a guy but are not remotely interested in making the effort it requires (forcing attractive thoughts of him out of our heads, for example, and staying away from places we might find him).
You say you want a noble man who will cherish your very good qualities, and here you are ahead again: You know what you want and what you have to offer. You know you deserve better than a man who thinks he might marry again in a year or two to some girl or another.
The thing is, you say he's been through a bad divorce. He's been traumatized, and either he's going to take steps to make himself strong enough to be vulnerable again, or he isn't. Right now, it sounds like he'd rather immerse himself in the safety of his music.
Unfortunately, his music seems to be where you find him most attractive. It pains me to say it, but you're going to have to stay away from his performances until you get over him. You're going to have to force the mesmerizing sound of his voice out of your mind.
For the sake of your own happiness, I don't think you can be his friend right now. You're attracted to this guy, and the fact that he's attracted to you isn't making life any easier.
The weekend will soon be upon us, and he'll be onstage once again. Where will you be? Please make a fun plan now, so that you don't find yourself tempted to watch him perform. (I imagine it will be tough to have fun your first few times out, but it will get easier.)
Better yet, pull out a calendar and make plans for every weekend for the foreseeable future.
You know what you want. Please go for it.
Terry
I've a huge crush on this friend of mine. We initially met online through a music community we both signed up for.
He recently got divorced few months back,and is shattered by it. He got serious in his pursuit for music only after his divorce, and he has a great career in singing now, apart from being a manager during the day.
He said he'd like to marry again in the next year or two, but it doesn't matter who the girl is going to be, 'coz his first love will always be music because music is his first priority in life (he sings very well with a very beautiful and mesmerizing voice).
I'm not fine with being that 'any girl', as I've lot of great traits which could be cherished by a noble man who has a balanced life, and to whom family life is also a top priority.
His haunting voice is taking its toll on me now, and I don't want to think about him anymore. I think I'm on the right track, but I'm not sure how to get over him. He's a famous celebrity now in my city and gives performances that I always made it a routine to see to make my week-ends joyful.
I sometimes hate music now when I talk to him, didn't have any closure as we're only 'friends.' But I can tell he likes spending a lot of time with me and is attracted to me.
Can you please give me some advice on getting over him? Do I have to break the friendship to get over him?
-Keep Me Anonymous
Dear Keep Me-
You've made a decision to get over him, which puts you ahead of the game. A lot of us want to get over a guy but are not remotely interested in making the effort it requires (forcing attractive thoughts of him out of our heads, for example, and staying away from places we might find him).
You say you want a noble man who will cherish your very good qualities, and here you are ahead again: You know what you want and what you have to offer. You know you deserve better than a man who thinks he might marry again in a year or two to some girl or another.
The thing is, you say he's been through a bad divorce. He's been traumatized, and either he's going to take steps to make himself strong enough to be vulnerable again, or he isn't. Right now, it sounds like he'd rather immerse himself in the safety of his music.
Unfortunately, his music seems to be where you find him most attractive. It pains me to say it, but you're going to have to stay away from his performances until you get over him. You're going to have to force the mesmerizing sound of his voice out of your mind.
For the sake of your own happiness, I don't think you can be his friend right now. You're attracted to this guy, and the fact that he's attracted to you isn't making life any easier.
The weekend will soon be upon us, and he'll be onstage once again. Where will you be? Please make a fun plan now, so that you don't find yourself tempted to watch him perform. (I imagine it will be tough to have fun your first few times out, but it will get easier.)
Better yet, pull out a calendar and make plans for every weekend for the foreseeable future.
You know what you want. Please go for it.
Terry
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The Woodstock Couple, 40 Years Later
What a great story. Check it out.
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
It's Raining Men
Dear Terry,
I am findng that I am starting to attract kinder, more spiritual guys which is wonderful. The problem is I am still very cautious.
I am fearful that I will follow the practices in [your] book and choose the man of my dreams that may not be the "perfect guy for *me*", but the guy I *think* is right for me. Yet, how often in life am I surprised by how things turn out, things that did not go according to plan, only to find out I am very happy. How do we know that what we want for ourselves is best? Can we trust that?
Does it come from dating and seeing what we like and what we don't? There are a few men in my life that just sort of appeared. I had been waiting and waiting, and then all of the sudden 3 at once! Now what do I do? I am a one woman type of gal and am looking for a potential partner. I suppose I am jumping to conclusions. I don't even know what these guys are looking for. I am relying on my intution, but I don't know if I can trust it and well. I guess I am just confused!
Thanks, Terry. I hope that made sense.
Brightest blessings,
S.-
Hello, S.-
You're a one-man woman who's in a very good position: Three seemingly kind and spiritually-minded men have come out of the woodwork.
You wonder if you can trust your instincts. Well, sure. Sometimes. It's important to heed your intuition but not to rely on it exclusively. That's where experience comes in.
Which means you date these three guys and whoever else comes along. You spend time with them until you know who's the real deal and who isn't. The only thing you owe any man right now is honesty. You don't have to marry anybody.
You say you don't know what any of these men wants, anyway. Get to know them, and you're bound to find out.
Take the pressure off. Don't overthink this stuff.
The benefit of dating (and of socializing in general) is that, as you get to know people, you also get to know yourself. You become surer of what will make you happy in the long run.
I hope this helps.
I am findng that I am starting to attract kinder, more spiritual guys which is wonderful. The problem is I am still very cautious.
I am fearful that I will follow the practices in [your] book and choose the man of my dreams that may not be the "perfect guy for *me*", but the guy I *think* is right for me. Yet, how often in life am I surprised by how things turn out, things that did not go according to plan, only to find out I am very happy. How do we know that what we want for ourselves is best? Can we trust that?
Does it come from dating and seeing what we like and what we don't? There are a few men in my life that just sort of appeared. I had been waiting and waiting, and then all of the sudden 3 at once! Now what do I do? I am a one woman type of gal and am looking for a potential partner. I suppose I am jumping to conclusions. I don't even know what these guys are looking for. I am relying on my intution, but I don't know if I can trust it and well. I guess I am just confused!
Thanks, Terry. I hope that made sense.
Brightest blessings,
S.-
Hello, S.-
You're a one-man woman who's in a very good position: Three seemingly kind and spiritually-minded men have come out of the woodwork.
You wonder if you can trust your instincts. Well, sure. Sometimes. It's important to heed your intuition but not to rely on it exclusively. That's where experience comes in.
Which means you date these three guys and whoever else comes along. You spend time with them until you know who's the real deal and who isn't. The only thing you owe any man right now is honesty. You don't have to marry anybody.
You say you don't know what any of these men wants, anyway. Get to know them, and you're bound to find out.
Take the pressure off. Don't overthink this stuff.
The benefit of dating (and of socializing in general) is that, as you get to know people, you also get to know yourself. You become surer of what will make you happy in the long run.
I hope this helps.
Monday, August 10, 2009
When He Says He Needs Space
I apologize again for not posting as frequently as usual lately. I also apologized two months ago, and I'm still having trouble getting my act together. In addition to some other writing projects, I'm dealing with eye strain from sitting too much in front of a computer.
If anybody can give me some advice on how to deal with it, I'd really appreciate it. It's not good for productivity.
Somebody left the following comment on a previous post, How to Win Him Back:
This article is helpful, but I don't know how to be strong...
My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years, my first and ONLY anything, just broke up with me yesterday and I don't know how to deal. He said he needed "space" to find himself, which I know is true... but I can't seem to understand why he needs me to be out of the picture... this is so tragic...
And I say, yeah, it's definitely tragic when someone we love turns around after a number of happy dates, weeks, months, or years, and says, "I need space," but let me tell you: The best thing you can do is give him space.
(Just so you know, I've been there, and I really, really feel for you right now.)
If you call him, text him, IM him to implore him to remember the good times and plead with him to tell you exactly when things turn a wrong turn, it will only drive him further away.
(Once again, I've been there.)
Think about it. If you've ever been in the position where you're being pursued by someone you're not sure of at the moment, does it make him more or less attractive if he keeps pursuing you after you've politely asked him to back off?
It's entirely possible that the man in this scenario just needs time to figure out what he wants. It's possible he'll decide he wants this relationship to continue. It's possible that he'll decide he doesn't.
But the only way to know for sure is to give him what he's asked for: Space. In the meantime, ask yourself what's the worst thing that could happen here (he won't come back?). If he chooses not to come back, please be open to the possibility that better things lie ahead for you.
While you let him enjoy his space, make a point of enjoying yours. This means reaquainting yourself with the people, places, and things that made you happy that may have fallen by the wayside over the past four years. It means discovering new interests and making new friends. Most of all, it means taking excellent care of yourself.
I wish you every happiness.
If anybody can give me some advice on how to deal with it, I'd really appreciate it. It's not good for productivity.
Somebody left the following comment on a previous post, How to Win Him Back:
This article is helpful, but I don't know how to be strong...
My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years, my first and ONLY anything, just broke up with me yesterday and I don't know how to deal. He said he needed "space" to find himself, which I know is true... but I can't seem to understand why he needs me to be out of the picture... this is so tragic...
And I say, yeah, it's definitely tragic when someone we love turns around after a number of happy dates, weeks, months, or years, and says, "I need space," but let me tell you: The best thing you can do is give him space.
(Just so you know, I've been there, and I really, really feel for you right now.)
If you call him, text him, IM him to implore him to remember the good times and plead with him to tell you exactly when things turn a wrong turn, it will only drive him further away.
(Once again, I've been there.)
Think about it. If you've ever been in the position where you're being pursued by someone you're not sure of at the moment, does it make him more or less attractive if he keeps pursuing you after you've politely asked him to back off?
It's entirely possible that the man in this scenario just needs time to figure out what he wants. It's possible he'll decide he wants this relationship to continue. It's possible that he'll decide he doesn't.
But the only way to know for sure is to give him what he's asked for: Space. In the meantime, ask yourself what's the worst thing that could happen here (he won't come back?). If he chooses not to come back, please be open to the possibility that better things lie ahead for you.
While you let him enjoy his space, make a point of enjoying yours. This means reaquainting yourself with the people, places, and things that made you happy that may have fallen by the wayside over the past four years. It means discovering new interests and making new friends. Most of all, it means taking excellent care of yourself.
I wish you every happiness.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Radiating 'Specialness' to Attract Men
Hi Terry,
I love reading your somewhat daily e-mails and respect your opinion and advice. However, I recently located to a new city and state and have no idea what and where the hot spots are. Therefore, I am tempted to explore on-line dating. Do you have an opinion or any advice on creating profiles that radiate specialness and good qualities? Thanks. -A.
Hi, A.-
Internet dating is a great way to meet new people, but before you do anything, it's imperative that you know what kind of man you hope to meet before you sign up for any service.
This means sitting down and asking yourself, "What qualities does a man need for me to be a) attracted to him (very important) and b) joyful and happy in a relationship?"
A recently divorced woman did just this, perused the Internet profiles for a while, and ended up being introduced to a guy who met the most important specifications she came up with before she even joined a service. They're dating very happily, and things are looking very good for this relationship!
Does this mean you'll write a list, and Prince Charming will pop out of thin air? No, but it does mean you'll be much more likely to recognize him when he does show up. (And, because you're conditioning your subconscious to believe this man exists and is part of your life, it means he's MUCH more likely to show up.)
Writing a list worked for this woman, and it worked for me and countless others.
After you've written the list of qualities HE should have, write a list of YOUR very best qualities. Are you attractive? Well, so is just about everybody else writing a profile (or so they claim). Are you kind? Honest? Funny?
Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Are you athletic or bookish (or both?) Be specific about what you're looking for, as well:
"Kind-hearted, attractive woman who loves laughing, white-water rafting, and good wine seeks honest, fun-loving man for adventure and possible LTR."
And, remember, just because you're in a new state doesn't mean you won't meet a great guy at the dry cleaner's, the supermarket, or the post office. If your new town has a popular coffee house, become a regular there (our local cafe features a free jazz night, and it's hugely popular with people of all ages).
But, before you leave the house, do write that list. It can make the difference between success and failure in meeting Mr. Right!
I love reading your somewhat daily e-mails and respect your opinion and advice. However, I recently located to a new city and state and have no idea what and where the hot spots are. Therefore, I am tempted to explore on-line dating. Do you have an opinion or any advice on creating profiles that radiate specialness and good qualities? Thanks. -A.
Hi, A.-
Internet dating is a great way to meet new people, but before you do anything, it's imperative that you know what kind of man you hope to meet before you sign up for any service.
This means sitting down and asking yourself, "What qualities does a man need for me to be a) attracted to him (very important) and b) joyful and happy in a relationship?"
A recently divorced woman did just this, perused the Internet profiles for a while, and ended up being introduced to a guy who met the most important specifications she came up with before she even joined a service. They're dating very happily, and things are looking very good for this relationship!
Does this mean you'll write a list, and Prince Charming will pop out of thin air? No, but it does mean you'll be much more likely to recognize him when he does show up. (And, because you're conditioning your subconscious to believe this man exists and is part of your life, it means he's MUCH more likely to show up.)
Writing a list worked for this woman, and it worked for me and countless others.
After you've written the list of qualities HE should have, write a list of YOUR very best qualities. Are you attractive? Well, so is just about everybody else writing a profile (or so they claim). Are you kind? Honest? Funny?
Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Are you athletic or bookish (or both?) Be specific about what you're looking for, as well:
"Kind-hearted, attractive woman who loves laughing, white-water rafting, and good wine seeks honest, fun-loving man for adventure and possible LTR."
And, remember, just because you're in a new state doesn't mean you won't meet a great guy at the dry cleaner's, the supermarket, or the post office. If your new town has a popular coffee house, become a regular there (our local cafe features a free jazz night, and it's hugely popular with people of all ages).
But, before you leave the house, do write that list. It can make the difference between success and failure in meeting Mr. Right!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Great Cheap Date Ideas
Jim Wang of Bargaineering ran a list of ideas for cheap dates on his very excellent blog, which offers all kinds of tips for making the most of your money and your life.
His date suggestions are great for couples, but they should also work for singles who want to open themselves to the possibility of meeting new people.
His date suggestions are great for couples, but they should also work for singles who want to open themselves to the possibility of meeting new people.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Is He Worth It?
Dear Terry,
Love your blog and your perception of the bleedingly obvious..so hope you can help me.
I will keep it brief..I visualised and met the most amazing man..so good so far..except that he had a breakdown..and chose to deal with this on his own. He distanced himself from me by basically disappearing without giving me much of an explanation.
This was a year ago..since then he has written to me via email to apologise an offer an explanation. He has now divorced, overcome his depression with medication/psychotherapy and seems to be in a good emotional space.
After no contact for nearly a year, we arranged to meet recently. It was so good to see him again, but I was surprised to hear he is now seeing someone else. He painted a picture that said he was not that happy with this new woman. I came away feeling hurt that he chose to move on with someone else when we had a great thing going before his breakdown.
He was very interested to know if I was seeing anyone. I told him the truth that I was dating a few men at the moment, but nothing serious.
I feel I have maintained my dignity and been gracious throughout our year of no contact. He apologised and says he feels ashamed of how he acted. He wants to be friends now.
I like to always keep the door open, and to just let life flow. But another part of me wonders why he not only let me go..but pretty quickly moved onto someone else.
Have I answered my own question?
-Keep Me Anonymous
Hi, Anonymous-
A couple of things strike me about this "amazing" man:
He disappeared, got psychological help, divorced, and then resurfaced to inform you that he's got a new woman in his life, and he's not really happy with her.
Huh?
I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was separated (and that his wife was aware of the arrangement) when he started dating you. If I'm wrong, I dislike him immensely.
I get it that you were really, really attracted to this guy (otherwise, you wouldn't describe him as amazing), but you have to know you deserve so much better than this. Yeah, I'm sorry the guy had a breakdown, but what about the rest of it?
And now he want to be friends, but is he capable of being a friend (I don't know the answer to this, but you probably have a hunch)? Before you let him into your airspace again, ask yourself if it's worth it.
Being a friend means having someone you can share a laugh with, but it also means taking care of that other person. It means occasionally having to listen to them cry about their problems when you might rather be doing something else.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that, but will you end up having to tell him? Is he truly worthy of your time? Is he worthy of the time of the new woman he claims to be less than excited about?
I do think you answered your own question.
Love your blog and your perception of the bleedingly obvious..so hope you can help me.
I will keep it brief..I visualised and met the most amazing man..so good so far..except that he had a breakdown..and chose to deal with this on his own. He distanced himself from me by basically disappearing without giving me much of an explanation.
This was a year ago..since then he has written to me via email to apologise an offer an explanation. He has now divorced, overcome his depression with medication/psychotherapy and seems to be in a good emotional space.
After no contact for nearly a year, we arranged to meet recently. It was so good to see him again, but I was surprised to hear he is now seeing someone else. He painted a picture that said he was not that happy with this new woman. I came away feeling hurt that he chose to move on with someone else when we had a great thing going before his breakdown.
He was very interested to know if I was seeing anyone. I told him the truth that I was dating a few men at the moment, but nothing serious.
I feel I have maintained my dignity and been gracious throughout our year of no contact. He apologised and says he feels ashamed of how he acted. He wants to be friends now.
I like to always keep the door open, and to just let life flow. But another part of me wonders why he not only let me go..but pretty quickly moved onto someone else.
Have I answered my own question?
-Keep Me Anonymous
Hi, Anonymous-
A couple of things strike me about this "amazing" man:
He disappeared, got psychological help, divorced, and then resurfaced to inform you that he's got a new woman in his life, and he's not really happy with her.
Huh?
I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he was separated (and that his wife was aware of the arrangement) when he started dating you. If I'm wrong, I dislike him immensely.
I get it that you were really, really attracted to this guy (otherwise, you wouldn't describe him as amazing), but you have to know you deserve so much better than this. Yeah, I'm sorry the guy had a breakdown, but what about the rest of it?
And now he want to be friends, but is he capable of being a friend (I don't know the answer to this, but you probably have a hunch)? Before you let him into your airspace again, ask yourself if it's worth it.
Being a friend means having someone you can share a laugh with, but it also means taking care of that other person. It means occasionally having to listen to them cry about their problems when you might rather be doing something else.
I'm sure I don't have to tell you that, but will you end up having to tell him? Is he truly worthy of your time? Is he worthy of the time of the new woman he claims to be less than excited about?
I do think you answered your own question.
Friday, July 17, 2009
She's Visualizing Love But Getting No Takers
Hi Terry,
I've been practicing your visualization techniques daily (quite enjoyably I might say) and have no problem with that part. Here's the question, why is it that I get so few responses from men through online dating? I've posted what seems to me to be an inviting profile, but it seems that whenever I approach men I'm interested in...poof...nothing! It's puzzling as well as frustrating to say the least. Any tips you could share with me Terry?
Many Thanks!
-Puzzled
Dear Puzzled-
My best guess is that the men you're approaching are not the men you want to attract. In other words, if you're visualizing (and feeling) a happy relationship with a man who embodies certain qualities, it's quite possible that the men you've encountered so far are not that man.
When you decide what you want (as you have) and visualize it (as you are doing regularly), you are sending out a signal. The men you mention are not picking up that signal because it's not meant for them.
It's meant for someone else, who is out there, and who may or may not be profiled on an Internet dating site. For all you know, you could meet him at the dry cleaner's.
So keep visualizing and keep the faith. Sometimes people decide what they want, and it shows up right away. For others, it will take more time. Go about your day happily, knowing that the one you want is on his way to you.
(A frequent commenter, Jokah McPherson, made a good observation about attraction. Click here to read it.)
I'm thinking very good thoughts for you.
I've been practicing your visualization techniques daily (quite enjoyably I might say) and have no problem with that part. Here's the question, why is it that I get so few responses from men through online dating? I've posted what seems to me to be an inviting profile, but it seems that whenever I approach men I'm interested in...poof...nothing! It's puzzling as well as frustrating to say the least. Any tips you could share with me Terry?
Many Thanks!
-Puzzled
Dear Puzzled-
My best guess is that the men you're approaching are not the men you want to attract. In other words, if you're visualizing (and feeling) a happy relationship with a man who embodies certain qualities, it's quite possible that the men you've encountered so far are not that man.
When you decide what you want (as you have) and visualize it (as you are doing regularly), you are sending out a signal. The men you mention are not picking up that signal because it's not meant for them.
It's meant for someone else, who is out there, and who may or may not be profiled on an Internet dating site. For all you know, you could meet him at the dry cleaner's.
So keep visualizing and keep the faith. Sometimes people decide what they want, and it shows up right away. For others, it will take more time. Go about your day happily, knowing that the one you want is on his way to you.
(A frequent commenter, Jokah McPherson, made a good observation about attraction. Click here to read it.)
I'm thinking very good thoughts for you.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Leverage Your Inborn Attraction Skills
That's the advice Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan offers her clients. On her blog today, she tells you how to do it, too.
Click here to read all about it.
Click here to read all about it.
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