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She's In No Rush to Get Married--Is She Weird, or What?

Hi Terry,

I guess that first I would like to commend you on the advice you give others with their pressing life's questions. You seem to analyze things the same way that I do, and I guess that's why I wanted to come foreward and ask you a question of my own.

First off I am only 21 years old (still very young I know), but I've recently found out that my views on marriage are so much more different than everyone else's that I have come across. I have been with my boyfriend, the love of my life and my best friend, for two and a half years, and unlike most people I am not expecting an engagement ring any time soon. I don't feel that we have been together long enough to receive such a gift.

I read about people wanting rings after only a year or sometimes even less and getting them, and it makes me nervous in my stomach. Forever is a very long time and to base so much on such a short time would make me uneasy.

But on another note there is no doubt that my boyfriend and I will be together forever as we tell each other often. We share dreams of having a home, children, dogs, and maybe even some day a cottage by a river. We sometimes lay awake a night and collectively daydream about what dreams we have the future (now if we can ever agree on a son's name lol). He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I cannot imagine my life without him. I feel like as long as I have him, and we continue working towards our future I'm happy and don't need anything else, and I know he feels the same.

But then there is the topic of marriage. Currently both of our parents are going through nasty separations. My parents are separating from a 22 year marriage and his mother is divorcing from her second marriage, this one of 16 years. Both of our mothers are already dating and have not had communication with us in almost a year. We're both going through the same thing, and so have been able to offer each other a lot of support. But I think that these ordeals have made us both afraid of marriage.

Through the past 2 and a half years with him I've realized that I don't need a ring to prove that he loves me or that I love him. That we don't need a piece of paper to stay together forever and to make each other happy. We both put equal parts into the relationship and keeping a happy home with our two cats. I realized that the only reason I would want to get married would be to have his last name and to wear that beautiful dress, and I really don't need either. As long as I have him to make me laugh, to share my dreams with, to hug me when I cry, and encourage me when I'm down I don't see why I need a ring and a rock. Am I completely crazy and off the radar that I'm not crying for a ring?

Sure some days I often think that the party would be fun and that our relationship wouldn't change with marriage (just because we're both so aware of what happens) but is it wrong or odd of me to not feel pressured to be married by society and family? For me to not become crushed if there's not a promise ring for me in a box under the tree (We always agreed promise ring before engagement ring and puppies before babies)? I almost feel like a black sheep.

When we talk about how we feel about marriage I feel fine but then when we're around all of our friends who are engaged and having children, they laugh at our idea and are taken back by the fact we're not in a rush to get married. Why does it make me feel like I'm weird? I read these questions about people ready to end a six-month relationship because they don't have a ring yet, and I can't help but wonder why I have no desire to get one. If he ever asks my answer is yes because I know we'll get through any problems together, but will we ever get over our fear of marriage?

I know its a long email but you seemed like the one person I could explain my problem to without any ridicule. There's multiple problems in this I know. The fear of marriage and the pressure of society. Its a small problem compared to some but I just need to know that I'm not weird (Which I use the word weird for lack of another more fitting word). I hope I didn't confuse you too much, and I hope I hear from you soon.

-T

Hello, T-

Thanks for the kind words.

Now, do I think you're weird? On the contrary, I think you're smart, self-aware, and show incredible wisdom for a person of any age, let alone 21 years.

Let's talk about your age. You're 21, and society chides you because you're in a relationship but not pining for a ring. You're barely out of school, finding your way in the world, deciding what's right and what's not right for you, and somehow this makes you weird.

But you're not. You haven't allowed other people to make decisions for you. You know your own mind. You are to be respected, not chided.

Now about the fear of marriage. Again, you're 21. Your parents and your boyfriend's mother are in the middle of what you term "nasty" divorces. Well, really, who in your position--and in her right mind-- wouldn't think twice before she legally bound herself to another person?

The truth is, many people don't get married because they're in love. They get married because "it's time" or "everybody else is doing it" or because they promised themselves they'd beat their sister, roommate, or cousin to the altar (seriously, some people do this).

It's insane.

You and your boyfriend, on the other hand, seem to be working out very carefully what you want out of life together. Believe me when I tell you that so many engaged and married people don't have the conversations you're having. They buy a ring, buy a dress, and wing the rest. They wake up a year or two years or five years later wondering if one or the other is ever going to want children, or if they're ever going to agree on when to swap the one-bedroom in the city for a house in the suburbs.

Eventually, a lot of them give up trying to convince the other and divorce.

Will you ever get over your fear of marriage? I don't know. You and your boyfriend might consider counseling to work through your very natural and intelligent concerns. Or you may just keep going at the pace that feels comfortable and see how things unfold.

All the very best to you,

Terry

She Wants a Commitment

Dear Terry:

I'm a 50 year old single woman (who looks and acts 35!) and have been "seeing" a man 13 years younger than myself. He lives in another part of the state. We have been seeing each other for 5 1/2 years now, and he shows no signs of wanting a committed relationship.

He says he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, but that he loves my company, and that it would break his heart if I stopped seeing him. When we first started seeing each other, he used to tell me he loved me all the time, but he doesn't say it anymore. As you can tell, I have been 5 and 1/2 years patient. He is a kind and gentle man and very intelligent, which is a big turn on to me, not to mention the passion we have in the intimate department.

We call each other every two weeks or so, and visit each other once a month, more or less. Sometimes I want to tell him "I can't see you any more because I deserve to be loved by someone who loves me just as much or more than I love them....", but I feel like there is no one else out there for me. I go out dancing almost every week end with friends (love to country western dance!) but have not met any one worth giving time to. Any advice?

-Dancer

Dear Dancer:

You do deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love him, but there's no point in telling it to the guy you're seeing now.

If you've been with me for a while, you know I believe (from my own experience) that the best way to get what what you want is to know what you want. So far, the guy you've been with seems to have most of the qualities you want, minus one: The ability or the inclination to make a commitment.

If you decide to stop seeing him, I don't know that you have to make a big announcement about it. You might just taper off your calls and visits. If you decide to keep seeing him, ask yourself if your passion for him will hinder you from moving on to someone else who's hoping to meet a woman he can love and marry.

So, let's work on meeting that guy.

First, get over the belief that there's not another man out there for you. There is.

Then write an affirmation which includes the qualities you want in that man:

"I, _________________, am happily married to a faithful, fun, passionate, intelligent, (fill in the blanks) who loves me and never lets me forget it."

And feel it that "reality" with all your senses.

Then act "as if:" What would your day look like if you were with such a person? More important, what would it feel like? What would it be like to wake up beside this person in the morning? What would you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Touch?

You'll find that, with practice, your imagination will fill in the details. As time goes on, you'll convince your subconscious that this new man and this relationship is real in your life--and then watch out!

You've been wise to keep yourself busy by dancing with your friends, doing something you love, but why not shake things up a bit and add something new to your routine, as well. Why not check out an open mic night at a coffee shop or become a regular in a bookstore cafe? The great thing about bookstores: You will look perfectly normal hanging around there on your own.

By all means, keep dancing. But remember that wonderful men can show up anywhere: in the supermarket, at the bank, at the cleaners. Wonderful men can also turn out to be the friends, cousins, and brothers of the people you meet in those places.

So, be sure to spread love, kindness, and good humor as you go about your day. It will come back to you in kind.

Above all, don't worry about being 50. If you keep yourself in good shape and radiate a youthful attitude (and apparently you do), nobody really cares. If you're young at 50, chances are you're going to be young at 60, 70, and 80. (This will remain to be seen of a 30-year-old, who may think herself into old age by 40.)

Keep loving yourself, loving others, and getting out of the house, and you'll do just fine.

P.S. This just in: Check out Jeannette Maw's Good Vibe Blog to find out what Oprah had on her vision board. What a great Story!

Relationships Give Her Hives

Hi Terry,

Every time I date a man for more than a year I break out in hives. Not just a few, but enough to have the doctor put me on Valium and Hydroxzine. I do not know what causes this, but as soon as I break up with the guy I am fine.

What is causing this?

If any of your readers can help me, I would appreciate it.

-D.

Dear D.-

Well, my guess would be that you have a serious aversion to long-term relationships, but I'm just a girl who used to get freaked out by long-term relationships, so maybe I'm projecting.

Did the doctor who prescribed the medication offer any insight?

There are many therapies available to those of us who suffer from fears and phobias, ranging from psychotherapy to hypnosis to EFT (for more information about EFT, a technique that helped me overcome insomnia and anxiety attacks, click here). My best advice is to research them and invest in the services of a licensed practitioner who can help you resolve this problem.

Since you asked for readers' perspectives, I'll invite them to leave a comment here.

Thanks for writing and good luck.

Terry