Are You Working Too Hard for Love?

How hard to you have work for love?

If you listen to pop radio, you have to work really, really hard for it. Right now, there's a hit single describing love as a battlefield (not to be confused with Pat Benetar's "Love is a Battlefield," which was a huge hit way back when in the Eighties).

I'm always hearing songs sung by well-lit young women describing their pain in love, and these songs usually become giant hits. And it's no wonder. They can be pretty catchy.

The problem is, a lot of women listen to them and come to the conclusion that love equals pain. If we're not feeling sad, if we're not feeling the drama, then we can't be in love.

Furthermore, a lot of us who are in bad relationships tell ourselves, "Hey, this is the way it's supposed to be. Love is work." This causes some women to put up with a lot of substandard behavior from the men they spend time with.

Please open yourself to the possibility that if you're feeling bad or sad in your relationship more than 20% of the time, you may be in the wrong relationship. You could be with the wrong guy.

Love is not a battlefield. It's supposed to be joyful, exciting, uplifting, full of mutual attraction, affection, consideration, and fun. (Does this mean you'll never have a doubt or a disagreement? No, of course not, but if you're crying more than you're laughing, something is seriously wrong.)

Love is supposed to be you making a special man's happiness your priority. He should be making your happiness his priority (that's where the work comes in; sometimes somebody has to make a sacrifice, and and it shouldn't always be the same somebody).

If your boyfriend often disappoints you, makes you feel less than special, and forces you to work for his affection and attention, you can do better.

Step back. Give yourself time to reconsider whether this person is someone who can make you happy in the long run.

Give yourself the gift of you. In other words, spend time with yourself. Care for yourself. Nurture yourself in the ways that are missing from your relationship. Allow yourself to be happy by yourself.

Decide whether it's time to move on and make room for a man who doesn't expect you to settle for crumbs.

In Some Relationships, There's Abuse and Then There's Abuse

Rihanna and Chris Brown are still big news here in the States.

Allegedly, Brown beat Rihanna, and she had to be had to be hospitalized. Now, according to reports, she's taken him back, and they're going to record a duet together.

It's dumbfounding. The girl's on top of the world (huge record sales, makes loads of money advertising products), and she's going to waste time with a guy who hit her?

While Brown's alleged treatment of his girlfriend is clearly abuse, a lot of times, women date men who hurt them in much subtler ways. These guys play head games, manipulate, cheat, tell the girlfriend she's "fat" or "ugly," and that nobody else will want her.

Other men try to separate girlfriends from friends and family in order to gain control over them. Some pester their girlfriends by cellphone, texting and calling constantly (even while they're at work, jeopardizing their jobs!), to keep tabs.

Other subtle forms of abuse: deliberately and repeatedly ogling other women, or comparing the girlfriend to other women in a way that demeans her and makes her feel insecure and unattractive. Still other ways include refusing to compliment her on her achievements, or to even notice them.

If you're in a relationship with a guy who repeatedly and deliberately makes you feel bad about yourself or tries to control you, tread carefully. This person may light you up every once in a while by assuring you how much he "needs" you and "loves" you, but his behavior has nothing to do with love.

Take a step back. Ask yourself, "Would I treat a person I love like this?" And then ask yourself, "Would a guy who genuinely loves a woman treat her like this?"

The correct answer is "no."

Here's the thing: You do not need a boyfriend like this. You will be better off on your own. Forget about not wanting to be single. You will be better off single.

Yes, the pressure to "be in a relationship" can sometimes be overwhelming. But, please know this: The only way you'll ever attract a man who'll love you properly is to love yourself first. And a woman who hangs around with a man who habitually hurts her doesn't love herself. She'd be better learning to love herself, be happily single, and open to meeting a man who will treat her well.

You're too smart to live your life looking over your shoulder.