A Guy With a Girlfriend is Not Good Boyfriend Material

Hi Terry,

Thanks for all your emails. Recently I started dating this guy that I really love, but he told me he had a girlfriend at the beginning of the relationship. He tells me he loves so much, and from time to time he puts me through tests, and I end up always failing his test.

I have tried to explain to him that am human and he can't put me through an emotional test and expect me to pass. He tells me on different occasions that I should be patient with him when I ask for commitment. I really love this guy, but recently I told him to give me a break, and he replied, "Baby, you are toooooo impatient. Well, if you want to call it off. It's okay. I appreciate you." This happened last Sunday and since then, he has called me, b ut we didn't really talk towards the relationship. I don't want to lose this guy. I really love him.

What do I do?

-Tested

Dear Tested-

You can't lose this guy because you never really had him. Whenever a man tells you he has a girlfriend, the correct response is, "Why are you talking to me?" Then walk away and stay away. You are not the first woman to make the mistake of falling for an unavailable man, and you won't be the last.

This guy sounds like a complete player. Please do call it off with him. Stop seeing him immediately. Stop taking his calls. Fill your calendar with fun activities and people who love you and make you laugh.

Yeah, I know you're attracted to this guy, and you don't think you can do it, but you can. Anyway, what kind of a future can you expect with a man who runs around on his girlfriend? If he likes you as much as he claims, what's the hold up? Why hasn't he been honest and ended it with her?

He's not honest. That's the problem.

And about these 'tests' he puts you through: What's up with that? It's not healthy behavior.

Please open yourself to the very real possibility that there's someone out there who's eager to treat you like gold. How does that make you feel? Happy? Or does it scare the heck out of you? Are you willing to make yourself available to a man who truly appreciates you and never lets you forget it?

If not, why not?

Please give this serious thought.

Law of Attraction to Get You Married

Hi, Terry-

I always enjoy your emails. I would like to know if you have anything on having trouble getting a man to marriage. I have no problem getting them to a relationship. They are even willing to live with me. But none so far want marriage. What is a good answer/comeback when they say, yes I want a relationship with you. Let's move in together. Let's buy a house together. Even have kids together. But NO to marriage.

Thanks
A.


Dear A.

You know what you want, and that's a good thing. You're not moving in with these people, pretending that you can change their minds about marriage after you've been living with them for a while.

Just because you're attracting men who are willing to do everything with you except make it legal doesn't mean all men reject the idea of marriage (not by a long shot). The next time someone refuses to marry you but suggests you bear his children, just say, "No, thank you. I want to get married, and I'm going to hold out for a man who wants to get married and spend the rest of his life with me."

Then walk away.

In the meantime, picture yourself being married, not to some clown who asked you to give birth to his children, but to a man who treasures you and makes your happiness a priority.

What would this marriage look like?

Feel like?

Taste like?

Sound like?

Smell like?

In other words, bring in all your senses and make it real in your imagination. 'See' a wedding ring on your finger. Feel yourself holding the hand of the man who wears the ring you gave him.

Keep saying 'no' to men who offer you less than what you want. Keep bringing a happy marriage to life in your imagination. Do it morning, noon, and night. Do it every day. Keep it up.

It's called using the Law of Attraction, and it's powerful. Use it and watch out! After a while, you'll find yourself attracting a man who wants the same things you do.

He Wants a Good Woman

Sometimes I get mail from women who insist that men don't want to commit, so it was interesting to find this bit from a guy who says he can't find a woman to settle down with. He calls himself healthy, attractive, and he says he has a well-paying job.

Get the whole story here.

He Said He Might Marry Her. Then He Disappeared

Hi Terry,

I've been trying to figure out how to post a question on your blog, but being completely clueless when it comes to blogs, I have no choice but to leave my post as a comment on this one... I hope that's ok?

I am a 34 year old woman (girl?) living in Mumbai, India. After a brief but very painful marriage I found myself building life from ground zero. I've no complaints about my life; it's seriously super. I have a successful business built from scratch, great friends, 3 adorable dogs and as many books as I can read.

But, I've essentially been single since my marriage ended 6 years ago. I'm physically very attractive (credited to good genes), funny, intelligent and an all-round good catch, or so my friends tell me.

I've interacted with a few guys over the years, but nothing really amounted to much. This is mostly in part to my being too needy and clingy around hem, and they being just not worth it.

Now, I've met this perfect man a few days ago. By perfect I mean perfect for ME.

We met, and sat and chatted (and a bit more) till 6:30 am... the next day he called when he said he would, made plans to see my that evening because I was supposed to leave for a holiday the next day.

The holiday didn't happen. But what did is that he talked about how he had given up on meeting someone he wanted to be with, and he had finally met that person (me). He didn't need to look any further now, and really wanted to get to know me, to be with me. Whether that would mean marriage would only be discerned after spending more time together, but he wanted me to know that was committed to at least exploring that option.

Whew! This man has been what I've been looking for in many ways, older than me, well-settled, successful in his own right, sorted in his head, very committed to his sons, fun, well-travelled, well-read... etc etc.

We were to go out Wednesday night with his friends, but he cancelled claiming exhaustion, seeing as both of us had been up for two nights and had been working through the day. We signed off with him saying he'll call me the next day...

It's been two days since then, and there's been no call.

I'm completely thrown by this, as most of the good stuff being said came from him, with no prompting from me. I did talk to him about not being interested in a fling, or being his bit on the side, and he said he understood.

In fact, when I told him that I wasn't leaving for Thailand till next week, he even suggested trying to work things at his end so he could come with me on holiday!

And that's followed by this complete silence. I feel like it's almost a test of some sort, to see if I freak out and get manic and call him 10 times, or then he needs space to think things, maybe he feels he's said too much.

I dont know!

I don't want to call him or text him... I just feel like that wouldn't be a good move... Call it instinct.

What would you say? I'd love some impersonal advice, and yours seems to always be spot on :-)

Thanks a ton,
C.

Dear C.-

First off, thanks for the kind words, and it's fine to leave a question in comments. You can also email questions to terry(at)marrysmart.com.

Your instincts are correct. Do not text or call this guy. He made the unbidden proclamation about you being the woman he's been waiting for, so let him pick up the phone.

You sound extremely self-aware when you say that your former relationships broke up because you were too clingy. This is a great thing to know because next time around, you can easily alter this behavior with a bit of self-control.

But, back to this guy, whom you didn't cling to: He seemed great. He looked great. Smelled great. Said all the right things. And then promptly disappeared.

I understand you must be incredibly disappointed. I mean, what a letdown. On the other hand, if he hasn't re-emerged with an excellent reason for his disappearance by now, he may have done you a favor. I don't know what his intentions were, of course, or if he scared himself.

All I know is that he said he was open to considering the possibility of marriage with you, AND HE'D ONLY JUST MET YOU.

Listen, if some guy I met last Wednesday told me he was open to the possibility of marrying me, I'd tell him:

"I don't even know you."

You don't know this Prince Charming who only seems to be "sorted in his head." And he doesn't know you. His comments about discerning whether he'd marry you one day would be considered presumptuous in the United States. Are they usual for men in India?

Whether the answer is yes or no, I'm going to ask you to be more discerning. When a man you just met tells you you're the one he's been waiting for, take a big step back, raise your eyebrow and say, "Oh, yeah? Why do you think so?"

(Furthermore, why is he presuming that you're going to jump into his arms when he tells you this?)

This is your life we're talking about here.

And look, you say you have a full life. You have good friends, a business of your own, and lots of good books. I know you want a good man at your side, so please hold out for him.

You sound as if you have a great deal to offer, and some man will be very lucky to have you. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by presumptuous characters who are all talk and no action.

He Asked Her to Be 'Exclusive,' and Now He's Backing Off

Hi Terry!

I have scored the most perfect Prince Charming ever! The first couple months went great (it was all like you said - HE did everything! Decided for us to become exclusive, even started talking about marriage within the first month of dating) but as with all my relationships - a couple months later (about the 10 month point for this one) and the infatuation phase runs out. I know you say that backing off and giving him space will make him come back on his own and return as someone that wants you to be exclusive with him. But in my situation we're already exclusive! And he's still pulled back! Is there any advice for this? Is this normal?

PLEASE HELP!

-Exclusive

Dear Exclusive-

My heart goes out to you now because obviously you're hurt and confused.

Even though he asked to be exclusive, is it possible that he's come to take you for granted?

In other words, have you given him a reason to take you for granted? Have you ever broken plans with your friends to be with him? Do you call him or text him often? (I don't care if you're a man or a woman; too-frequent contact is a romance killer.) Are you doing too much for him? Making his dinner all the time, picking up his dry cleaning, returning his library books?

If so, you're not making yourself indispensible. You're smothering him.

If this is the case, please do yourself a favor and take a step back. Start filling your time with friends. Go out for drinks for colleagues. Let him be the adult he is and take care of his own laundry, meals, etc. Let him do some things for you. Men like to do things for women. They enjoy giving things to women. If you've taken those particular life's pleasures from him, please stop.

If you back off for a while, and he steps forward again, remember this: Being an exclusive couple is great, but your boyfriend was attracted to you because of YOU-- who you are, what you do, how you think, what makes you laugh, and so on. If you allow yourself to be half of a couple instead of a full person in a dynamic, loving relationship, you lose yourself.

And he loses you,

Without a complete picture of your relationship, my best suggestion is to return to being the full woman the man fell in love with; if you have any preconceived notions about how a full-time girlfriend is to behave (aside from kindly, honestly, and faithfully), please drop them.

Be the girl you used to be.

Good luck.

Terry

She's Afraid of Commitment

Hi Terry,

I am commitmentphobic.

Why? Well, when I dated the guys who wanted to get married, they one had low-paying jobs, wanted to spend all day in church (please), wanted to get married within three months, or had mental health issues.

One man I dated had lost his job in NYC. I met him through Eharmony (or Eharmon-not). By the third date he told me he was madly in love with me. I was not in love with him. He started tell me about 9/11. Funny thing is, his story kept changing. He was always the hero of the story. Then he told me about how he would save different branches of the bank he worked for. The branches were always failing, and he would save the day.

I finally broke up with him when he demanded sex, and then said that we committed a sin and would have to get married. Right. Why I dated for a year is beyond me. I guess I kept hoping I would start to have some feeling for him. I guess I want to know what falling in love feels like. Never been there.

After the break up, things start to happen to me. Including my Dachshund being poisoned (he died). I think he was doing this things to get me to call him so he could save the day. HUMMMMM

Also, the man was always sick, had some new disease. He was always going to the doctor or Emergency Room. HUMMMM. I believe he had Munchausen Syndrome.

I am still commitmentphobic.

My question is how to I stop dating the mental cases? The guy I am dating now is kind and fun to be with. Marry him, I do not know.

-Help Me

Dear Help-

Once a man demonstrates psycho tendencies, it's time to say goodbye. The author Somerset Maugham said, "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."

It's the truth.

As soon a guy does something to seriously turn you off (like ask you to marry him after just meeting him, for example), it's time to smile sweetly and thank him for a lovely evening. It's uncanny; when you start saying 'no' to unacceptable people and circumstances, they tend not to show up as often.

You say you don't know why you hung around with the man you suspected of poisoning your dog for as long as you did. This is something you really, really need to think about.

As soon as the 9/11 stories started, I'd have put my guard up. I lived in New York at the time of the attacks, and I notice that most of the people who were really and truly witnesses to the event don't talk about it much. They're not eager to relive the experience.

Also, any person who casts himself as a hero is usually the one who knocked down an old lady while making a break for the stairwell.

About your fear of commitment: Well, at least you have the insight to recognize it. Ask yourself what bothers you about long-term relationships? What are you afraid of?

If you're happy being single, great. Two of the happiest women I know (and the most fun to be around) are in their 70s and have never been married. Men proposed, but the arrangement didn't interest them.

But if you're single, and you want to be married, and some unearthed reservation holds you back from giving your heart to a worthwhile recipient, you have to start digging.

Ask yourself, "How would my life be different if I woke up next to the same person every day? If I shared dinner with him every night?"

Figure out what attracts you to that situation. More important, figure out what repels you from that situation. Whatever it is (boredom, always being stuck cleaning the toilet), think about how you can turn that around.

Can you be open to the possibility of marrying a man who makes you laugh and considers it his responsiblity to clean the toilet once in a while?

Terry