He Said He Might Marry Her. Then He Disappeared

Hi Terry,

I've been trying to figure out how to post a question on your blog, but being completely clueless when it comes to blogs, I have no choice but to leave my post as a comment on this one... I hope that's ok?

I am a 34 year old woman (girl?) living in Mumbai, India. After a brief but very painful marriage I found myself building life from ground zero. I've no complaints about my life; it's seriously super. I have a successful business built from scratch, great friends, 3 adorable dogs and as many books as I can read.

But, I've essentially been single since my marriage ended 6 years ago. I'm physically very attractive (credited to good genes), funny, intelligent and an all-round good catch, or so my friends tell me.

I've interacted with a few guys over the years, but nothing really amounted to much. This is mostly in part to my being too needy and clingy around hem, and they being just not worth it.

Now, I've met this perfect man a few days ago. By perfect I mean perfect for ME.

We met, and sat and chatted (and a bit more) till 6:30 am... the next day he called when he said he would, made plans to see my that evening because I was supposed to leave for a holiday the next day.

The holiday didn't happen. But what did is that he talked about how he had given up on meeting someone he wanted to be with, and he had finally met that person (me). He didn't need to look any further now, and really wanted to get to know me, to be with me. Whether that would mean marriage would only be discerned after spending more time together, but he wanted me to know that was committed to at least exploring that option.

Whew! This man has been what I've been looking for in many ways, older than me, well-settled, successful in his own right, sorted in his head, very committed to his sons, fun, well-travelled, well-read... etc etc.

We were to go out Wednesday night with his friends, but he cancelled claiming exhaustion, seeing as both of us had been up for two nights and had been working through the day. We signed off with him saying he'll call me the next day...

It's been two days since then, and there's been no call.

I'm completely thrown by this, as most of the good stuff being said came from him, with no prompting from me. I did talk to him about not being interested in a fling, or being his bit on the side, and he said he understood.

In fact, when I told him that I wasn't leaving for Thailand till next week, he even suggested trying to work things at his end so he could come with me on holiday!

And that's followed by this complete silence. I feel like it's almost a test of some sort, to see if I freak out and get manic and call him 10 times, or then he needs space to think things, maybe he feels he's said too much.

I dont know!

I don't want to call him or text him... I just feel like that wouldn't be a good move... Call it instinct.

What would you say? I'd love some impersonal advice, and yours seems to always be spot on :-)

Thanks a ton,
C.

Dear C.-

First off, thanks for the kind words, and it's fine to leave a question in comments. You can also email questions to terry(at)marrysmart.com.

Your instincts are correct. Do not text or call this guy. He made the unbidden proclamation about you being the woman he's been waiting for, so let him pick up the phone.

You sound extremely self-aware when you say that your former relationships broke up because you were too clingy. This is a great thing to know because next time around, you can easily alter this behavior with a bit of self-control.

But, back to this guy, whom you didn't cling to: He seemed great. He looked great. Smelled great. Said all the right things. And then promptly disappeared.

I understand you must be incredibly disappointed. I mean, what a letdown. On the other hand, if he hasn't re-emerged with an excellent reason for his disappearance by now, he may have done you a favor. I don't know what his intentions were, of course, or if he scared himself.

All I know is that he said he was open to considering the possibility of marriage with you, AND HE'D ONLY JUST MET YOU.

Listen, if some guy I met last Wednesday told me he was open to the possibility of marrying me, I'd tell him:

"I don't even know you."

You don't know this Prince Charming who only seems to be "sorted in his head." And he doesn't know you. His comments about discerning whether he'd marry you one day would be considered presumptuous in the United States. Are they usual for men in India?

Whether the answer is yes or no, I'm going to ask you to be more discerning. When a man you just met tells you you're the one he's been waiting for, take a big step back, raise your eyebrow and say, "Oh, yeah? Why do you think so?"

(Furthermore, why is he presuming that you're going to jump into his arms when he tells you this?)

This is your life we're talking about here.

And look, you say you have a full life. You have good friends, a business of your own, and lots of good books. I know you want a good man at your side, so please hold out for him.

You sound as if you have a great deal to offer, and some man will be very lucky to have you. Don't allow yourself to be distracted by presumptuous characters who are all talk and no action.

He Didn't Call. Now What?

He said he'd call.

He didn't, and right now you're upset. You don't know why he didn't. All you know is, you were looking forward to seeing him again. You liked him. He seemed to like you. Heck, you KNOW he liked you.

So, why didn't he call?

Well, it probably had nothing to do with something you did or said, so stop worrying. If he said he'd call, it was up to him to live up to his word and actually do it. The fact that he didn't says more about him than it does about you.

So what now?

Here's what YOU WON'T do:

-Call him

-Text him

-Email him

-Get a friend to call him

-"Accidentally" bump into him in a club or bar where
you know he's apt to hang out.

Here's what YOU WILL do:

-Tell yourself that a guy who doesn't keep promises might not be
too much of a loss

-Treat yourself really, really well; remind yourself you're a treasure
yet to be discovered.

Here's what YOU MIGHT do:

-Call a good friend and go out for dinner, a movie, coffee, a drink--
something fun. (No crying in your beer.)

-Rent a movie (Broken English is a good romantic drama, Forgetting
Sarah Marshall is hilarious, and The Holiday is good fun, too). Curl up with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn

Tomorrow morning, congratulate yourself for NOT contacting the guy. You haven't appeared insecure, needy, or desperate. Hold your head up.

Now, it's possible (wouldn't be the first time), he'll come to his senses and call you during the week. When he asks you out again, tell him sorry, but you're busy (and just to keep things honest, go out and make yourself busy!).

The worst thing you can do is be easily available to a person who said he'd call and didn't (put yourself in his place: You tell a guy you'll call. You don't. You finally get around to calling, and he drops everything to be with you. Turn on or turn off? You tell me).

Make him work a bit to see you again. Give yourself a few days to decide whether he's even worth it.

Now, if the guy doesn't ever call, once again consider the very real possibility he's done you a very big favor. A guy who doesn't keep his word is probably very poor boyfriend material.

And you can do better. What's more, you deserve better.

That Guy Who Seemed to Really, Really Like You

Hi Terry,

What’s your take on this type of guy behaviour?

Introduced through mutual friends, we spent an entire day together recently on a scenic trip to a beachside resort. Throughout the day he paid me heaps of compliments, was charming, stared into my eyes over lunch, told me he was looking for a long-term relationship, touched me gently on the back whilst guiding me in and out of doorways and then insisted on paying for everything, you get the drift.

It sure felt like I was on a date, even though I was the one who invited him along as purely a friend. It was such a fun day, but since then I have not heard from him…...and now of course he has sparked my interest…what’s a girl to do?

-Bewildered

P.S. Terry, forgot to mention that the the day I spent with him was just over 2 weeks ago. And according to my friend that knows him, he is not seeing any one.

Dear Bewildered-

Oh, my gosh. I met this guy, too! And I was utterly convinced that he was the one, that he'd call, that God had answered my prayers, and we'd live happily ever after. I knew it because he looked into my soul, and he got me. And I got him.

And then he said goodbye, and I never heard from him again.

I'd like to tell you I only met this guy once, but I'd by lying. I met him several times in various forms over the course of my single life, and I fell for him every time.

I am utterly humiliated to tell you that after being bewitched by one of these demons I did a bit of detective work (this was before the Internet, so I'll give myself credit for cleverness) and found out where he lived. And then-- and oh, how it shames me that I did not have the foresight to use a pseudonym before outing myself this way-- I left a letter in his mailbox.

To which he did respond several weeks later while very, very drunk.

As I said, I fell for a bunch of these types over the years, but after using the Law of Attraction, I stopped. I knew I'd been completely cured when I made the acquaintance of yet another guy so similar to the one you describe, a real charmer who made me laugh and laugh.

And then, suddenly, a voice thundered in my head. It said, "You've met this guy before."

And then a friend said to me, out loud, "You've met guys like this before."

I shook his hand and moved along.

But you asked for my take on male behavior, not a history of my dating experiences, so let's move on.

I'm not sure why some men act this way, but I have some theories:

-He did indeed like you, but he suffers from some sort of performance anxiety. He knocked you dead on your first meeting; he could be afraid of disappointing you on the next.

-He is the type of twisted maniac who enjoys collecting women's phone numbers and then tearing them up into little pieces (I knew a couple of guys who used to do this).

-He meant it when he said he wants a long-term relationship, but he suffers psychological blocks that prevent him from achieving it. Only a licensed professional will ever help him dig himself out of the mine.

Whatever his problem is, don't make it your problem. If he ever manages to call you, I strongly suggest you play it cool. In other words, "Oh, I've got plans this weekend, but Wednesday might work" will do.

And, even then, don't get your hopes up. If he tells you again that he's interested in a long-term relationship, change the subject. I never trust people who discuss long-term intentions on a first or second meeting, anyway. Think of it this way: If you met a woman at a party and hit it off, would you announce, "I'm looking for a best friend?" No, because she'd think you're weird, and you'd scare her off.

Friendships develop over time or they don't. The same goes for romantic relationships. You don't go around telling men you meet you want a long-term relationship, do you? Well, this guy shouldn't be making such statements, either.

If you do go out with him, be the picture of insouciance. Do you hear me? Insouciance! Think Audrey Hepburn before the jig was up in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Tra-la-la-la-la.

And keep your options open. Don't put all your eggs in this fellow's cracked basket. Decide what qualities you want and need in a man and measure him by them. Decide what qualities you want and need in a man and visualize yourself with such a man.

Consider this: Perhaps your day with this guy equaled a flagstone on your path to a better man, a forthright soul who never requires you to analyze his behavior.