Is He Emotionally Unavailable?

Hi Terry,

I have been “seeing” this guy for about 6 months now. He lives about two hours away. I try to go there whenever I can but he has been working overtime, which means the weekends and only has one day off. I do not work on the weekends. I have been out there about 6 times or so, spending the weekend every time I am there. We talk on the phone almost everyday, and constantly text/email throughout the day. This past weekend I was invited to go with him to a wedding, and it was amazing. We spent all weekend together and among his closest friends who are either married and pregnant or engaged.

I am only 22 and he is 30, but that does not make a difference to us, age is only a number. Anyway, every time we try to have the “talk” nothing ever gets resolved.. its always like “well why ruin a good thing that we have right now?”

But I’m thinking.. it would not ruin anything it would just make it better or at least give me a peace of mind as to what is going on with us. I just do not understand why he doesn’t want to be serious, especially since he is at the age when it might be time to settle down and all of his friends are. He has told me that he has never been in love, wants to focus on his career right now, that were in different parts of our lives.. blah blah.. but I still do not get a definite answer as to whether we should stop talking/seeing each other or just continue down this confusing path.

So I am not sure what to do. I guess I should suck it up and just talk to him, tell him that I want things to progress or at least tell me what he wants and if were not in the same boat, then bail out when I can? I think I’ve put up with it for a while now, and I think any other girl would’ve been like no you either tell me you don’t want me or tell me you do. Maybe I should do the same. I really enjoy him, seeing each other for so long, so I def don’t want to lose that.

Best wishes,
A.


Hello, A.-


You're 22, he's 30. I don't see this as an issue at all; some people are more mature at 20 than some others are at 45. However, the fact that this man you're seeing is 30can perhaps make him even more attractive to you than he would be if he were, say, a guy your own age. Let's face it; when you're 22, dating a 30-year-old guy can seem downright glamorous.

Now, his friends are marrying and having babies, but he says he's never been in love. He says that you're in different parts of your lives. He says he wants to focus on his career.

Okay...

My advice to you is to stop wondering what to do. Sucking it up and talking to him will probably resolve nothing and will only distance him further from you.

(Here's an analogy: You're in a restaurant. You think you want the salmon, but the waiter keeps telling you to have the steak. You insist on the salmon. He insists on the steak. Eventually, you either throw your napkin on the table in a huff and leave, or you eat the steak just to make the waiter stop haranguing you. Neither is a good option. Don't be the waiter in your relationship with this man).

The only way this guy is going to see you for the attractive, smart, fun person you are is if you stand back enough to let him get a long look at you. In other words, be less available. Be pleasant about it, but definitely text less, phone less, visit less (yes, I know he lives two hours away, and your time together is limited as it is, but who's doing most of the traveling here? You or him?).

One of two things will happen. He will indeed realize what a great deal you are. He'll miss you. He won't want to lose you. No more nonsense about not ever having been in love!

Or...

He will not realize what a good deal you are. He will fade out of your life altogether. If this is the case, his disappearance would be a fabulous thing indeed because he was never capable of giving you the love you deserve in the first place. You will have saved yourself a great deal of time.

I hope I haven't ruined your day with this information, and I ask you to please consider the possibility that Mr. Not In Love is doing you a favor here. Have you met his family, for example? Do you know how his father treats his mother? How he treats his mother? (My mother taught me that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother!)

Project 10 years from now. If you were to marry this guy, would you be happy? Or would you stuck with a man who takes you for granted? Would you be soothing yourself with reality television and junk food you'd become too numb to taste?

Consider the possibility that you can do better than him. Revel in the possibilities that being 22 and having your whole life ahead of you affords you.

I truly hope this helps, A. Thank you for writing.

Terry

My Boyfriend, Bret Michaels

All right, you're not going to believe this (and I'm ashamed to admit it), but last night after watching Rock of Love 2 With Bret Michaels and then Law and Order SVU, I went to bed and had a dream about Bret Michaels.

Yes, it was that kind of dream!

I mean, it's 11:15 the next day, and I still haven't gotten over it.

I wonder what misfired in my subconscious to bring on such an event. It really was something, I must say, although Bret managed to keep his bandana on the whole time.

Which brings me to last night's show.

What is it with this man and headgear? He's increasingly dissatisfied to hide what we imagine is a bald spot with a mere bandana. Twice in last night's episode, he appeared wearing a brimmed hat on top of a bandana. Although he's done it before, I believe he used to limit this fashion statement to just once per episode.

Anyway, last night Bret revealed that he's falling in love with Daisy, who's in deep debt due to a boob job, according to Heather, an LSE from last season who's now "good friends" with Bret and was brought along to uncover the truth in "this house of lies."

Heather did her very best to get Daisy eliminated. It's clear that ol' Heather has a conflict of interest; she's still hot for Bret herself, but I do think that she'd be a great match for him. Their table manners are equally appalling.

As usual, with about 10 minutes or so left in the show, Bret threw up his hands. He announced that he was "done" for the evening with the fighting LSEs (at one point, the always-volatile Destiney threw a drink at Daisy) and left his whipping boy, the fawning and also bandana-ed John, to clean up the mess.

I thought Destiney would get the heave-ho after Bret voiced his fears that if she became his girlfriend, she might smack around some girl with a backstage pass after one of his shows. Heaven forbid Bret ever jeopardize his relationship with a girl with a backstage pass!

You'd think, though, that a 45-year-old guy who claims he wants to fall in love (instead of lust) would limit time with groupies, or maybe that's just crazy me.

After all, I'm the one who finds Bret repulsive, and then allowed him to visit me in my dreams.

He's the Touching Kind, Not the Marrying Kind

Hi, Terry-

Many people have advised never to ask where I stand with a guy, but I saw this particular man for 5 months. Then he broke it off because he can't see a future between us (his father and family would not approve of him marrying a woman from a different race). I stayed out of his way, and he stayed away for a while.

Then he came back.

Once he did, he repeatedly invited me for coffee.

Now he touches me unnecessarily and uses terms of endearment. He asked to come over to my house, saying he needed to borrow some items for work. I agreed, and soon after he arrived, he was all over me. I asked him what had caused this change in him, and he said nothing had changed.

He said he enjoys my company and having a laugh. I told him to get his hands off me, which he did, but after he left, he started calling me repeatedly. I ignored him for a while, but I missed him.

My friends say I should clarify with him about where I stand, but this seems to conflict with your advice not to ask a man about this. Do you think he's a player? He seems very confused about life in general.

What do you think?

-Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Should-

Every time I read your letter, I get a little madder. The guy you describe is flat-out ridiculous.

As for the advice not to ask where you stand, my feeling is a woman should always know where she stands. A man should be communicating this in a straightforward, honest fashion. If he does not, she should assume he is not worth her time.

Communication is a two-way street. It's not one person lying awake at night wondering what the other person meant when they said this and meant when they did that.

The man you describe is hardly being straightforward (touching you after telling you his father will not agree to a relationship with you, for example). He is not considering anybody else's feelings but his own. Take a step back and look at him objectively. His behavior is sad and unattractive.

(The father excuse is a cop-out of the most pathetic order, by the way.)

The fact that he acted hurt when you accused him of being a player is beyond annoying. I don't know if he's a player, but I certainly think you can do better than a man who is "all over you" but tells you he can't have a relationship because you come from a different race. (Forgive me; I'm repeating myself, but I still can't get past this nonsense.)

Clearly, you're attracted to this man, or you wouldn't have written. One way to kill attraction is to write down a list of things you don't like about him (making lame excuses about his inability to become involved with you can be Item #1, and his confusion about life can be Item #2).

Whip out this list and read it whenever you're tempted to think, "this guy really likes me, but he doesn't want to risk offending his family."

Please stay away from him. You don't owe him a single explanation. If you must, tell him, "I'm not getting involved with a man who can't stand up to his family." Or if that's too much, tell him, "Sorry, I can't get involved with a guy who doesn't know a good thing when he sees it."

The next time he says he wants a cup of coffee, give him directions to Starbucks. If he asks to borrow any of your belongings for work, tell him to try an office supply store.

-Terry

Why Did He Back Off?

Dear Terry-

There is this dude who I've known for about 3-5 years now. He's really sociable. We met through friends. Eventually, if we saw each other out and about, we'd strike up a conversation.

Within the last year, we started speaking on Facebook. Then we exchanged numbers, but still strictly as friends until only in the last three months have we started talking regularly.

At first there was a question about his intentions. . . being the sociable guy that he is I had to specifically ask him was he interested in me or just being friendly. I should have known because we were talking all day sometimes (like 6 hours at a time when neither one of us had to work), and we spoke every day as well.

Well, over the last three days, he has seemed distant to me, and I ignored it at first because he travels for work and had been out of town for a few days, he attended a funeral the previous week, and he might have wanted or spend time with his family for Easter.

But then I decided I couldn't ignore it: We weren't even connecting on the phone as we had been doing all along, and I felt the difference immediately after he'd told me I was being lazy for procrastinating on some work I had to do.

I was very offended because he did kind of pull my card. My procrastination is an issue that I deal with but at the same time, I am doing okay for myself. ( I'll be 26 in a month. Am student teaching as one of the final phases of a master degree I'm working on. I freelance as a fashion stylist in my spare time.)

I might just be on the offense but earlier today he made a comment about "Why do you have to wear makeup? Why don't you just go natural?" when I jokingly said, "I'm putting my face on," as I was on the phone with him and getting ready to go to the store.

He said it in a tone of disgust though so coupled with the comment about me being lazy - I'm thinking he's forming reasons not to be into me anymore ( too analytical?)

Back to the lazy comment: It really hurt because I know this is one of the traits that he hates in people. He loves a goal-oriented woman, and this is one of the things he once gave me props on.

He himself is really focused on moving from the city and finding a good job out of state. Although I know it will probably be over once he leaves, I've been willing to follow my emotions because I haven't allowed myself to open up to anyone in so long, and since he slipped in as a friend it has been easier, the communication WAS free-er and it feels/felt good!

Also I was encouraged by a text he sent that said, "Don't say that. When and if I do leave doesn't mean you have to leave my life. I hope we don't stop." So here I am thinking we're on the same page -- as my friend he learned all about the kind of stuff I'd been through in relationships and vise versa. He even said to me something along the lines of, "I don't understand, you're a beautiful girl. You're smart. You seem cool, and easy to get along with, etc. . etc. " Just giving me all kinds of praise to the point where I had to ask him was he interested in me as more than a friend.

Today I finally said something about the distance I felt forming between us, and he kind of snapped (though he might say he didn't because I've told him to check his volume before - and I'm still learning the difference between him just getting excited on a subject, and getting like abrasive). First thing he says "man, i hate when ppl say that . . . so what are you saying, you wanna see me everyday. is that what you're saying" As a result, I feel like, this has been an issue before, and it isn't just me. He was taking something out on me from someone else he dated, and most important, we must not be on the same page far as what we want because i'm not unreasonable.

I'm fine with not seeing someone everyday - duh - but at the same time, if I like being around you and you've told me you like my company too, then why wouldn't my natural desire be to want to see you daily? Even if I am okay, and not going to trip about it if we don't.

My problem, that I can't seem to explain to him (verbal communication is hard for me) is not with not seeing him but that I'm not feeling the connection that I felt just a few days ago when he first got back in town.

I don't know if I've come on too strong and he is taking a step back and I should let it fade out and move on ( I did meet someone today when I forced myself to get out the house -- bought some paper clips, and file folders at the store) OR is there something I should or can say to him?

Thank you for your time. This got a lot longer than I expected it to.

-Too Lazy for Love?

Dear You're Not Lazy-

Please do me a favor and re-read your letter (I edited the first couple of paragraphs, but you still get the drift).

Here's a guy who kept you on the phone for six hours on his days off, and then blanched when he got the notion you'd be interested in seeing more of him in person.

You're finishing your Master's Degree, and you freelance as a fashion stylist. And this guy calls you lazy. And you wonder if you measure up to his expectations for a goal-oriented woman. Give me a break.

And then he makes a snide comment about your makeup. (First you're a "beautiful girl," and now you wear too much makeup). What is he going to comment about next? Your hair? Your weight?

It seems to me that this guy spends so much time on the phone and Facebook because he's got a problem. No woman is ever going to meet his expectations because he probably can't even meet his expectations for himself. (When he called you lazy was he really talking about you? Or about himself? Because he spends an awful amount of time on the phone to qualify as Action Jackson).

But enough about him.

I'm no psychologist, but several things concern me:

- You are utterly wrapped up in what this very critical guy thinks.

- You worried if he was being friendly, or if he was truly interested in you. You shouldn't have had to wonder. He's a big boy and should be able to clearly communicate his intentions. (If a guy isn't clear about his intentions, back away until he gets with the program.)

-You say you have trouble communicating yourself. I'm not getting a sense of this from your letter, but if you say so, I'll believe you. If this is truly the case, practice expressing your feelings. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Expect the same from other people.

You asked whether you should move on. Yes, by all means, do. Stay out there, keep meeting people, keep developing your communication skills, learn to expect better communication from the men you go out with. Expect encouragment from them, instead of sniping.

Since I was not in the room when this guy made the comments about you being lazy and wearing too much makeup, it's possible he was joking around. But it doesn't explain the "Man, I hate it when people say that..." comment.

It's a bit ridiculous for him to expect you to invest six hours of your day talking to him on the phone, and then he can't even get off his rump to meet you somewhere and look you in the eye for a couple of hours.

The majority of a relationship should be spend face-to-face, not online or on the phone (if you're in the same area; when you're not, both parties should make an effort to see one another whenever possible).

Oh, yes: He is moving out of state (or so he says). I don't care what he said about keeping you in his life, it's entirely possible you deserve much more than to be there. So keep your options open. If he calls you again, set an egg timer. After five minutes, give him the heave-ho.

Exciting Law of Attraction Resource

I enjoy reading the Good Vibe Blog by Law of Attraction Coach Jeannette Maw.

I came across two entries that may interest you. The first has to do with the Eliot Spitzer debacle, and the second discusses what Jesus might have made of deliberate creation (translation: getting what you want, whether it's a relationship or several thousand fish and loaves of bread).

Getting Past a Bad Face Day

I received this lovely response to my post about how to feel attractive when you just don't:

Excellent advice, Terry! I can confirm that what you have advised this reader really works. I'm 39 and all my colleagues thinks I'm much younger. When they make comments about age and "me being much younger" (they're mostly 40 or in their early 40s), I keep quiet and don't comment. I look much younger than most 35 year olds and many people actually think I'm younger than 35 too! I affirm every day that "I am a wise, sexy, and beautiful woman" and you know what happens? I FEEL like a sexy and beautiful woman! It really does work.

I was especially happy to receive this message yesterday when I, myself, was suffering a Bad Face Day of the highest order, having spent Easter weekend in a succession of restaurants. Let's face it; even some so-called better eateries boost the taste of their food with MSG and God-knows-what-else.

So I woke up yesterday looking like I'd been shot out of a cannon: Puffy eyes, swollen cheeks, a pimple the size of Michigan on my chin (I'm serious; you could stake a flagpole on it).

It's so easy to get down in the dumps about this stuff, especially since I had to go to the dentist yesterday morning and lie under a honking fluorescent light. But, as I sat in the waiting room, I leafed through one of those supermarket rags, Star, that I usually scoff at. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was attracted by the cover story, "Stars Without Their Makeup." (Did I mention that I'm ashamed to admit this?)

Most of the stars actually looked pretty much the way you'd expect them to without makeup, a little sleepy, perhaps, but not bad. However, two photos really struck me.

The first was of the biggest model in the universe today, and (again, not proud to admit this) it thrilled me to see that she really does benefit a great deal from the judicious application of makeup and false eyelashes.

The second photo was of a major reality TV star, who's normally downright bewitching. But, without makeup, her complexion is riddled with dark spots and shadows.

And then, when I got back to my computer, I found the lovely message from a reader, which really buoyed me and reminded me to take my own advice. Which I did.

I'm glad to report that I look and feel much better today, although the pimple remains stationed on my chin and will probably not retreat until the weekend. Eyes are no longer puffy and cheeks have deflated to their normal proportions, though, thank God.

Fie on restaurants who use MSG and chemical spices and hydrogenated oil! If that poison makes you look bad on the outside, what's it doing to you on the inside?

Stay far, far away.

Rolling that Rock of Love Off a Cliff

There's nothing like celebrating Easter with a little Rock of Love 2, starring hair band frontman Bret Michaels and an assortment of bandanas that I truly hope are American-made.

I spent much of the episode wondering if Bret has a soul. After watching him plead for donations to aid the victims of the 2003 Station nightclub fire in Rhode Island, I am beginning to think he might. However, it doesn't explain why he insists that the winner of the cheesy competition for his so-called love must not have any emotional or physical attachments to other men, while he remains free to spread his bodily fluids around with whomever will accept them.

To find out the truth about the contestants in the "house of lies," Bret summoned the former lovers of Ladies of Low Self-Esteem. In the hopes of getting the boys to rat out their exes, he tried to get them loaded at a bar in a mall. Judging by the expressions on some of their faces (particularly Ambre's friend, who seemed like a geniunely decent guy), they saw Bret for the poseur he truly is. I don't think hanging out in a mall bar jibed with their idea of the life of a rock star. Or even the life of a guy who pretends to be a rock star, like Bret.

At the end of the show, Bret eliminated Megan, the 22-year-old who calls everybody over the age of 30 -- except Bret -- "old." Last week, she sniped that 32-year-old Ambre couldn't keep up because, "What do you expect? She's an old lady."

Yeah, well, the old lady is still 13 years younger than Bret Michaels. Heck, she's probably younger than some of his bandanas.

Dating Advice From a Married Couple Who Met Online

It's great when you attract like-minded people into your orbit. I did just that this week when I found an email in my box from Scot McKay, a dating coach and blogger, introducing himself and his wife, Emily.

I gave Scot a call. He told me that he and Emily, who met online, are passionate about helping other people meet their matches and to "never, ever settle."

We discovered that we share several philosophies about what it really takes to meet the person of one's dreams, including a "treat others as you would have them treat you, and (every bit as important) have others treat you as you would treat them " approach to dating.

Emily has written a free 8-Part Mini-Course called "16 Generally Accepted But Disastrous Dating Principles." Click here to check it out.

I'm delighted that Scot posted my article, "Flirting 101 (For Men and Women)" to his dating advice blog today. It may take a couple of seconds to load, so if you'd like to read it, please be patient.

How to Feel Attractive to Men (When You Don't Feel Attractive)

Hi, Terry-

You know when you're over 40 (just, lol) and working, with loads of other responsibilities/drains on all resources? Well it can be very demanding just getting from one day to the next. Add to this the worry about how rapidly looks seem to fade, it's more difficult than ever to stay in top form when you meet someone and you're out there dating again.

Can you add some of your no-nonsense advice on this general theme. As you know, I'm going through changes in outlook and life, the excitement of following your advice is bringing all sorts of improvements, I'd just like something to help me stay on track during the more jaded times. It can be a real challenge not to fall back into the negative unhealthy patterns, and I've learnt that this thinking leads women (me) to make bad/desperate decisions.

But feeling like a desirable, wonderful woman when you're worn out just surviving, well, I'm only hitting it in spots. I definitely feel older and see changes in my appearance and body, it's beginning to gnaw at me a bit regarding my attractiveness to men. Although, look at the plonkers I attracted when I was in my 20s and wrinkle free!

Thanks for your ongoing dedication to women and improved relationships.

Regards,

-C.

Hello, C.-

Thanks for a question I can really sink my teeth into.

When I was in my 20s, I read a fabulous book that seriously changed my life called The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy, PhD.

This fellow, Dr. Murphy, proposed:

"Your subconscious mind is conditioned by your thoughts. If your thoughts are constantly on the beautiful, the noble, and the good, you will remain young regardless of the chronological years."

I would like to add that you''ll look younger, too.

You may be 40 (just!), but what exactly does that mean? I read a critically-acclaimed and commercially successful novel last week that described a man of 45 as old.

I had a choice right there and then: To accept the idea that a person who's inhabited the planet for only 45 years is old (when a US weatherman says he's deluged with increasing numbers of letters from humans celebrating their one-hundredth years and can't fit them all into his "Happy Birthday" segment), or to reject that notion immediately.

So please change your beliefs about being whatever age you are.

If you tell yourself your looks are fading, trust me, you will act on that belief. It will show in your eyes and in your posture and in the way you wear your hair. Tell yourself instead, "I am younger and more beautiful every day." Close your eyes and feel it. Then open your eyes and say it to yourself in the mirror.

(I guarantee you will feel like a fool doing this, but keep it up. It will make a difference.)

Stop saying, "I'm 40." What if you were to pretend and say instead, "I'm 30?"

After my 35th birthday, after reading Dr. Murphy's book for the 60,000th time, I decided to tell myself, "I'm 25." And guess what? I realized I didn't feel a second over 35, so why should I be 35?

(NOTE: I don't advocate lying about one's age--or about anything else-- to other people, however. I'm also on the fence about keeping one's age to oneself; the beautiful 54-year-old model Christie Brinkley shouts her age to the world, but a 103-year-old woman I know used to keep hers quiet because she didn't want other people "limiting" her.)

I've known people who were old at 25, who cried about having reached the quarter-century mark. By the time they were 30, they were grunting when they got off a couch. Conversely, I know a 76-year-old man who used to go around telling himself, "I'm younger than springtime" when he was in his 40s and 50s (and he probably still does).

You should see him now.

He didn't retire until he was close to 72. Shortly before then, he got to talking to a much-younger man on the train. When the younger man discovered the older man's age, he couldn't believe it. He slapped the older man on the back and exclaimed, "Can you believe this guy? Can you believe he's over 70?"

Then he shook the older man's hand and thanked him for being an inspiration.

So, please change your beliefs. If your jawline looks a bit slack, tell yourself it's firming up. I'm sure plastic surgeons will take issue with this method, but your subconscious mind is powerful. Think young. Act young.

Also, if you find yourself waking up with puffy eyes and a sorry complexion, examine the food you eat. Stick with unprocessed food. Avoid MSG. A good friend of mine has been blessedly free of football eyes and sausage fingers ever since she discovered she's allergic to gluten.

Please avoid fast food, or anything made with partially-hydrogenated oil or high-fructose corn syrup.

Also, keep in mind the things you liked to do when you were young, and if you still like them, make time for them. Learning new things keeps you young, as well. Dr. Murphy wrote:

"My father learned the French language at 65 years of age and became an authority on it at 70. He made a study of Gaelic when he was over 60, and became an acknowledged and famous teacher of the subject. He assisted my sister in a school of higher learning and continued to do so until he passed away at 99. His mind was as clear at 99 as it was when he was 20. Moreover, his handwriting and his reasoning powers had improved with age. Truly, you are as old as you think and feel."

Here's another quote you may find helpful from The Power of Your Subconscious Mind:

"You are as young as you think you are. You are as strong as you think you are. You are as useful as you think you are. You are as young as your thoughts."

I'd like to add, "You're as attractive as you think you are." Keep telling yourself, "I am a wonderful, desirable woman. There's a man out there who'll be lucky to have me."

Marriage: Is He Running Out Excuses?

Dear Terry,

I've been trying to collect some courage to ask you something. Now maybe I can.

My story goes like this:

I've been going out now with my boyfriend for 3 years and living in for 2 years, and we know what we want, like getting married, having children, etc. A lot of his friends are getting married, some are pregnant and also a lot of my friends, really puts us under pressure.

Today he just wrote a friend an e-mail (I was in the distributions list) for some business stuff and also private stuff, like to go out for dinner once again.

So, my boyfriend's friends started teasing him about not getting married yet, then, my boyfriend agreed like, yes, he knows that and he's the only bachelor now in their circle of friends. He wrote he's running out of excuses. I didn't write any comment, just want to know what he meant about it, and how am I going to react on this one.

Thank you for your help.

-Concerned Girlfriend

Dear Concerned-

It's possible your boyfriend was joking. It's also possible that he wasn't.

But it's entirely possible that he was!

Let me ask you an important question:

Do you really want to get married, or are you happy with your current situation? If you're happy living together, then please don't let your friends pressure you into any marriage you may not be ready for.

However, if you do want to get married (truly, because you love this man and not because "it's time" or other silly stuff that presses people into doing things that aren't in their best interests), then you'll want to consider whether this man plans to ever meet you at the top of the aisle.

This is your life we're talking about, after all.

Since it's very possible your boyfriend was just joking around, make a joke about it yourself. Say, "Hey, about that comment you made about "running out of excuses" to your buddies on that email this morning --what the heck was that supposed to mean?"

Then stop talking. Look him in the eye. Listen to his answer. Then decide what you do from there.

Whatever it is, be sure to do it with grace and good humor.

Thank you for writing. I hope this helps, and I hope it finds you feeling much, much better.

Terry

Guys and Texting

Hello, Terry-

Do you think that depending on your age group, attitudes to texting etc. are different? I am observing that younger guys (35 and under) are less willing to phone or talk face-to-face and also are less proactive about inviting you out - they are used to the young women being more aggressive and hitting on them. So they tend to be more passive about this and wait for you to make the moves - but this doesn't necessarily mean they aren't interested. What do you think about this?

-Wondering

Hello, Wondering-

You ask an excellent question.

I talked to a young friend about this (she's in her teens). She said guys her age do most of the asking out, usually in person.

She did say that the shy ones do often prefer to text. That way, they don't have to rehearse a big speech, and if they get rejected, it's easier to take.

I asked her, "If a guy were to text you to ask you out, would he do it on the spur of the moment? Would he ask you to meet him in an hour or the next day, for example?"

She said, "No. He'd probably ask me to go out with him later on; he'd text on a Monday to go out on a Friday."

She said she definitely wouldn't go out with a guy who wanted to meet in an hour or even the next day.

She thinks that girls are more aggressive, but guys are definitely aggressive about going for what they want, too. They don't wait for women to make the moves.

I hope this answers your question.

Terry

Dating the Irish and People Who Like Them

This just in:

Got a tip on an "eclectic online community for people who already have a life" called IrishAbroad.com, which two Irish expats who live in San Francisco founded 10 years ago.

According to the website, "IrishAbroad.com is an Irish news and social networking website with over 240,000 members worldwide. The site is for Irish expats, descendants and any person wishing to travel to Ireland. Here, you will find news and information, community and friendship."

It also features free IrishAbroad Personals.

While I haven't used any of IrishAbroad's services myself, you may want to check them out.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Bret Really Liked Kristy Joe...

We suspend dating advice today to summarize a most helpful TV program, Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels, which does the public service of exhibiting the type of substandard man women do well to avoid.

In last night's episode, Poison warbler Bret Michaels admitted that he really liked "annoying" contestant Kristy Joe and was "emotionally destroyed" when she chose to leave the Rock of Love 2 harem. (In the previous installment, he was "physically and emotionally exhausted" about something else. He's a sensitive guy.)

Emotions aside, Bret managed to make out with both Ambre ("the best kisser in the house") and Megan ("I'm not feeling a connection, but I do feel like sucking face") in the same episode.

As usual, he took the winners of the week's challenge on "insanely awesome" (instead of merely awesome) dates that required the victims to watch him devour meals like a rabid orangutan. Nobody will ever mistake Bret Michaels for George Clooney.

"I need a woman who can dive into my music and into my life," rhapsodized our vinyl-haired Romeo at the start of last night's show.

The Women of Cripplingly Low-Self Esteem dived. And they'll keep right on diving.

Dating a Moody and Manipulative Man

Ever get a phone call from a guy that goes like this?

He says, "Hey."

You say, "Hey."

Uncomfortably long pause.

You say, "Is everything okay?"

He says, "Yep."

Uncomfortably long pause.

You say, "So what's going on?"

He says, "Not too much."

You say, "Is everything okay? You sound a little weird."

He says, "Why do you say that?"

You say, "I don't know, I...."

Uncomfortably long pause.

You say, "Listen, did I do something?"

He says, "Why do you say that? Did you do something?"

You say, "No, I-- I was just wondering. You seem a little weird, that's all. Is everything okay?"

He says, "You tell me."

And so on.

Unless you have indeed done something heinous (like sleeping with his brother, breaking into his safety-deposit box, killing his dog) to deserve this person's passive-aggressive treatment, your best bet is this:

Say, in your usual pleasant fashion, "Well, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later."

If he asks when, say, "I don't know." Then tell him goodbye and hang up.

Trust me, the worst thing that could ever happen to you is to get in any deeper with this man (or, heaven forbid, marry him!). His goal in life is either to make everything your fault, or to manipulate you into feeling you owe him something.

He will make you miserable for the rest of your life.

Run for the hills.

Emailing to Get a Man's Attention

Hi, Terry-

I notice in that you stress on "not calling a guy" if he himself promises to call...I think you're right about that.

But I have to be honest that I am unsure about whether or not to make contact with a guy even if it's just to ask a question. I mean I am seeing someone new, and this morning I got this cute little email someone sent, and I thought this would be something nice to send to him, so I picked up the phone to call him and ask him for his email address...and then I thought, "You know what? I'd better not".

I used to have no problem picking up the phone if I wanted to talk to a guy....but men are fickle and I think I need to keep my guard up this time...I am 32 and I think I've learned enough not to give them too much attention....What do you think!?

-Curious


Hi, Curious-

I think your instincts are right.

It's tempting to pass on a cute email to a guy or call him to ask a question, but if he said he'll contact you, you're better off waiting to see if his word is any good.

If he said he'd contact you, he should contact you. Then you can ask a casual question, but even then I wouldn't ask him for his email address. What's the point? You want to go out with the guy, not send him jokes.

I'm not one of these people who believes in sitting by the phone and letting the guy call all the shots. However, I do believe that men want a prize in a woman, just as women want a prize in a man.

Don't make attempts to keep yourself on this particular guy's radar. Figure that if he's worth your time, he's going to make sure you know it.

Terry

Eliot Spitzer Needs a Slap in the Head

You may have heard that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has been busted after being "linked" (nice euphemism, eh?) to a prostitute who charged him as much as $5,000 for a good time.

What I want to know is what kind of sexual services can one receive for $5,000? Maybe they throw in a free trip to Europe.

But I'm concerned about this knucklehead's wife, Silda Wall Spitzer, and three teenage daughters. Joye Brown of Newsday said it beautifully:

"Tape of Spitzer's three daughters ran on television stations across the nation most of the day. And his wife, shellshocked and watery-eyed, had to stand before a bank of television cameras in very public humiliation."

Okay, this is what I need to know:

Why does any woman--who has been betrayed in such a stupid, unimaginative way by such a sad and selfish individual -- even stand in the room with him as he makes his TV apologies?

What's in it for her, exactly? I've read suggestions that Silda Wall Spitzer may be standing by her man for the sake of her daughters, but if I ever caught my husband with a hooker, I would disappear for the sake of my daughters. I'd want to send them a different message:

Don't stick around with a schmo who goes to prostitutes.

He Overcame His Fear of Intimacy

No new episode of Rock of Love 2 last night.

But I came across a wonderful "Modern Love" essay by Ben Karlin in yesterday's New York Times. Karlin is the former executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, one of my favorite shows of all time.

Karlin describes how he set out to "solve all my problems involving emotional intimacy." Read it here.

Online Romeo Wastes Her Time

Dear Terry-

I am confused about something.

I corresponded with a man for a while and asked him a lot of important questions, which he answered. He made me feel like he's the one. He even told me that I could be the one, and to tell my friends that I already have a boyfriend. We met online, of course.

He seemed to have everything I was looking for in a man, but he did not plan to meet me. He said he was going to be very busy and would not be able to give his full attention to a relationship. But then he spoke to me every day for at least 3/4 hours. He is in another state now but will return to my city in a about a year and a half. He is in active duty in the airforce.

Suddenly last week he told me he is going to be deployed to the mid-East for the war. After that, he started to distance himself. So weird.... So I called four days ago about what was the matter. He told me that he is going away, and he does not to be emotionally attached since he does not know what is going to happen. So he does not want to get close or get hurt!

After than, I wrote him an email and mentioned that understand although it is disheartening. He never wrote or called me since then. I felt I deserved a phone call at least, but nothing. So I am letting go. I am very shocked and upset.

Why did he do this?

-Deserving Better

Dear Deserving:

When a person signs up for an online dating service, it's fair to assume they want to meet new people. As soon as this guy told you that he didn't want to meet you due to some lame excuse (i.e., not being able to give his full attention to a relationship), that was your cue to say goodbye and cease taking his calls.

You say he spoke to you every day for three to four hours. I have to ask you: If you truly want a relationship, why would you waste that kind of time talking to a man who refused to meet you. I don't care that he said you could be "the one." And the fact that he told you to tell your friends that you have a boyfriend is flat-out ridiculous. Not to mention presumptuous.

And you should have told him so.

You say you deserve better than this treatment, and you do. So the next time you meet a man online, spend 10 or 12 minutes on the phone with him to determine whether you have anything in common, and if you can detect any repellent habits or attitudes.

The next step is to meet him. (If he lives out-of-state, sure, you can talk to him --briefly-- on the phone once in a while, but you should keep talking to other guys, as well. Keep your options open.)

Meet him in a neutral, public place. Keep the date fun but short. Be friendly and smile, be interested in him and get to know him, but, again, keep it short. It's human nature to want a prize, so be a prize by letting him know you have a full, happy life.

Don't brag or exaggerate. Simply smile warmly and thank him for a lovely time. Then drive yourself home.

If he says he's going to call you, let him call. Do not call him. Do not text him. Do not email him. When he contacts you, be your usual interested, warm, happy self. Again, keep the call to 10 minutes.

If you miss his call, and he leaves a message, call him back. But keep it short (yes, I know I keep repeating myself). If he's truly interested in you, he will make plans to meet you again. If he doesn't make plans, please don't confuse him with someone who's worth your time.

A guy should never get the impression that you are sitting next to the phone, so go about your life as usual. Continue to meet other men until you find yourself in a real relationship with a man who doesn't waste your valuable time with a lot of hot air.

Your first clue that he's full of hot air? He tells you he's going to be "very busy," or that he can't give his full attention to a relationship. As soon as a guy says that, you say, "Next!"

Remember this: Actions speak louder than words.

Jeff Mac from Manslations offers this brilliant advice about men: "When in doubt, start by drop everything he SAID and just look at what he DID."

More On Picturing the End Result

Found the following quote in my inbox today from the good folks at Nightingale-Conant. I'm using it here to hammer home the previous post.

"Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor,
play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between
reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually
think about eventually will manifest in our lives."

—author Robert Collier

Picturing the End Result

Dear Terry,

I have met men who either were never into me, or when they were, I wasn't into them. The former were the charming, successful ones, and the latter, you guessed it.

Now I am desperate to be loved and get married. My younger sister has found someone, and it's really painful to see myself all alone. Please help me and tell me if this system will work for me. Please assure me that it will.

Thank you.

-K.

Hi, K-

When you mention "a system," I imagine you're referring to my ebook and audio, which women have told me has completely changed their love lives around. It certainly changed my life around.

But, like any system, it only works if you work it. I've received letters from women who've complained the book is too short, only to find out later they never did the exercises it contains and didn't listen to the audio. So it didn't work for them.

But let's talk about you and your situation.

You say you're desperate to be loved. This is the wrong way to attract a man who will love you and make you happy.

Please be glad for your younger sister that she's found someone special. In 2008, I hope we've moved beyond the idea that an older sister is some kind of failure if she's "beaten to the altar" by a younger sister.

My youngest sister married before my other sister and me, but by the time she did, I'd learned to discount (and limit my time with) people who made stupid comments about us "not getting any younger." (And we were pretty young!)

One of the things that worked for me in attracting the right man was by picturing and feeling the end result.

I'd read about basketball players who'd won games by practicing in their mind's eye instead of on the court. They'd "see" themselves making the shot. They'd "feel" the ball leaving their hands. They'd "see" the ball slipping easily through the hoop. They'd "hear" the roar of the crowd.

I decided to use this method to lose weight. I "saw" myself thin in the mirror, "felt" myself slipping into a small dress, I'd "hear" people telling me how good I looked.

It worked.

I later used the method when I was ready to attract the right man. A lot of my friends were getting married, my sister was getting married. I'd attracted similar guys to the ones you describe, and I'd come to realize that my own ambivalence about relationships caused this.

I rightly figured that, on some level, marriage and relationships scared me. I set out to find out what scared me, and I faced those fears. By figuring out what I did not want in a marriage, I could easily see what I did want. And then I "saw" myself in such a marriage with the right man man, "felt" myself with him, "heard" him, and so on. I came to believe that I was actually in a relationship with such a person, and it came to pass.

This method works because you're operating from faith and expectation. You're not acting from desperation.

Desperation always brings bad results, whether you're looking for a new house, a job, a friend, or a partner. Not only will you attract substandard circumstances, you'll likely settle for them. So choose the opposite path.

I do recommend you limit exposure to so-called friends who suggest you're a failure because you've yet to hook a live one. Write a list of your best qualities and refer to it often. Always look your best. Remind yourself that you have much to offer. You should never settle for a man who's less than you deserve just to get gossips off your back.

Bret Michaels Plays the Hapless Victim

Rock of Love 2 is so sad I can barely force myself to watch it anymore.

I fell asleep during both broadcasts of the latest episode last night, so here I am in front of the TV for a third time, trying to wrap my brain around it.

For those of you who are just joining us, a dwindling group of scantily clad women is competing on national television for the affections of a has-been rock musician. Every week, the show's producers come up with fresh ideas for competitions to humiliate the women.

This episode's victorious duo entertained vets by reciting the Preamble to the Constitution while wiggling inside hula-hoops. Of course, they wore bikinis. To start their act, they gave each other a good slap on the rump with American flags. Now, that's taking patriotism to a new level.

Because women serve in the US military, the audience did contain a good number of females, some of whom laughed self-consciously. Others just looked horrified.

Afterwards, Bret, who has moved beyond covering his fat head with a bandana and now wears a hat on top of a bandana, sat down for dinner with his Ladies of Low Self-Esteem. He threw out a question: "In your opinion, which of the other girls is here for the wrong reason." Not wanting to betray another contestant, a couple of LSEs skirted the question.

Bret got angry. He demanded answers.

He maintained that he had to know who was in it for real (uh, like he's even in it for real), but clearly the guy was pushing for a fight.

Eventually, Ambre pointed her finger at Kristy Joe. Curses flew. Bret threw his napkin down and left the table. Later in the show, he claimed to be "physically and emotionally exhausted."

What a cretin.

I'm waiting for these women to smarten up and tell this guy to take a flying leap. Now there would be a drama I could stay awake to watch.

Life Keeps Getting Better

We've all heard the garbage about a woman over age 35 meeting a decent man being about as likely as her dying in a plane crash. Yesterday, I met yet another woman who defied that nonsense.

She's 53, positive-minded, active, and an enthusiastic newlywed, but she could have been a real sad sack. She had plenty of cause to feel sorry for herself. In April 2007 (11 months ago), she was hit by a car and told she would ever walk again. Doctors said they'd have to amputate her right foot.

She refused to believe them. Call it faith in God, call it the Law of Attraction, call it whatever you want: She determined that a power mightier than modern medicine created her and would heal her foot. She would walk again.

Do I need to tell you that she did not lose her foot? That she was walking fluidly-- without a limp -- 11 months later? Now, I can't say what her foot looks like under the sleek high-heeled boot she wore; she did say it's been fortified with pins.

But whatever it looks like, it's not stopping her. As I said, she's newly married and clearly enjoying life. I wish I'd had the chance to ask her about her new husband, especially how she met him.

My guess is she did it the same way she healed her foot. She surely wouldn't be the first person who succeeded in meeting the man of her dreams this way. Click here to learn how another woman did it.

More About Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Hi Terry,

I picked up a magazine this weekend called The Atlantic. I never heard of it before, but there were a few articles on the front cover that got my attention; namely, an article called "Marry Him -The Case of Settling for Mr. Good Enough" - pg. 76. I would love to hear your feedback/point of view of this article. If I had your writing ability (maybe I do, but not the balls to blog about it maybe?), I would write about it. I have never heard anything like it. Very interesting. If you don't get the magazine where you are try www.theatlantic.com perhaps.

I really do hope you get a chance to read it and blog about it. I love your blogs.

Take care and have a great week!

-Curious

Dear Curious:

Thanks for writing.

I haven't read the article, but I did see its author being interviewed about it on the Today Show. (View the clip here.)

While I don't believe in settling for a guy who doesn't make you happy, let me start by saying nobody --not me, not you, or any man on the planet -- is perfect. So, at some point, we all have to settle on some points. The question is, how much will you settle?

For example:

Some women and men want to start families before they reach a certain age. They meet a person with the same priorities. They may not be passionately in love with this person, but they marry to achieve their primary goal, which is to have children.

Did this couple settle?

Well, not really. Their goal was to buy a house and raise children, not to fall madly in love and walk into the sunset together. They went into the marriage with a certain set of expectations, and they probably aren't going to be disappointed (unless one of them does eventually fall in love -- with someone else -- and leaves the marriage).

When we talk about settling, it helps to consider priorities.

Some people are less concerned about having children. These women and men want to fall in love. They want someone they can take care of, who'll take care of them. They want a Number One. They want to be a Number One.

In this case, it is settling if they marry a person who a) is still in love with someone else, b) mentally undresses individuals of the opposite sex at family weddings, or c) just wants to get married to have kids.

About children: If you do go the "walk into the sunset" route, know that children will change things, if you let them. They can't help but try to take over your life. If you want your marriage to remain exciting, it's important to do what it takes to keep it that way. But you have to marry a man who's also willing to do what it takes to keep it that way. Such men do exist.

Before you marry anybody, find out if the guy a) wants children, and b) how he would react if you learned you couldn't have them (unfortunately, this happens to couples every single day).

Find out how he feels about his responsibilities as a father and yours as a mother. Find out if he'd expect you to undergo procedures if you were to have difficulty getting or staying pregnant. Find out how he feels about adoption.

No need to interrogate the guy under a lightbulb here, but it's important to discuss these things if before you bind yourself legally to him.

If a happy marriage is your top priority (as opposed to a marriage as a means to having children), you settle if you marry a man who doesn't feel as you do. For me, marriage is the foundation of a family. The children are a product of it, not the reason for it.

Other have a right to feel differently, and they do. When it comes to "settling," determine what you want out of a relationship. Aim to marry a man with the same priorities. Proceed accordingly.

She Changed Her Thinking and Attracted a Good Man

When I opened this email the other day, it brought tears to my eyes. It's from a woman who used to settle for less than she deserved in relationships. I'm reprinting it here in case you're in a similar spot and searching for encouragement.

Thank you, C., for writing and sharing your inspiring story.

Hi, Terry:

I've met a lovely guy who lives nine miles away from me. He's kind, understanding, not too talky, great sense of humour. Looks a bit like a celebrity.

The *next man list* I made out which had about 100 qualities on it seems to have more ticked off it each time I meet him. He doesn't have a string of girlfriends, children, or an ex wife. Last night on about date 4, I discovered another favourite thing of mine, he has a hairy broad muscular chest. None of my friends can believe in this day and age I've met a single 40 year old man.

As I'm 5'10", I wanted a tall man, he's over 6ft. Of course, being well armed with knowledge from your information, I'm pacing it, he's ringing and can't get enough. It's empowering and I'm coming from a more balanced relaxed place. Because he's the only one ringing, no matter how many days go between, I know where I stand with him. If he tries anything slightly disrespectful, like trying to see me with no advance planning, he doesn't get away with it. In fact he didn't get to see me Valentine's Day because he didn't give me enough notice. That taught him a good lesson!!! He really upped his game after that.

You know the trouble I had with my previous 4 years on/off relationship, and the heartache I went through with upsets and unpredictability, me being the underdog. For over a year I read all your advice, would move on, and then keep going back to him. All my friends told me I looked (and I was) miserable. Yet when I finally let go of that rollercoaster relationship, and was totally honest about how dreadfully he was treating me, my life opened out.

Good things started to happen, instead of ever-decreasing circles, I began to find my world expanding and my confidence increasing. And I thank God since the breakup in January I've had none of the previous heartbreak associated with my ex.

I started making a list of what I wanted in a man and relationship about a year ago during yet another breakup. This year 2008, I really began to believe that when I let go of my ex, I would meet the new man on my list.

These are all difficult things to do when you listen to popular thinking like, a woman over 40 has only 1% chance of getting married, there are no good men left, coupled with fear of not meeting anyone again, men wanting younger women etc. Anyway, thanks for all the strong advice on how not to just settle, how to be my best feminine self, how to put myself first. The overall change in thinking didn't happen immediately but now it's becoming second nature.

Even if things don't work out with this new man, I KNOW there are plenty of fish in the sea and there is a perfect man for me out there. It's almost unnerving how many of the qualities in my list this new man has, and look at how soon I've met him. Last Saturday he said he has seen me before over the past few years, but hadn't the courage to ask me out. So as soon as I moved on from the going nowhere scenario, he appeared "as if by magic."

I hope stories like this encourage you to keep helping women, because there are a lot of women who really need to turn their thinking around. If you consistently hear a message with a truth in it, it will change your life.

My friend, who had lived a crazy life, taking speed and clubbing, has totally changed this year too. She says I've had an incredible influence on her. This past weekend she has had two men courting her attention, after years of being Miss-brought-home-from-the-nightout (never brought out)!

Another friend, who is 56, has ended a doormat type of relationship of 20 years since seeing the changes in me and my attitude about how I was too good for the lies, using and crap my ex doled out to me. She was living with this player type guy who golfed with my ex, even after 20 years with her, he wouldn't divorce his ex-wife or introduce her to his brothers and sisters! So you see, Terry, these are very positive knock-on effects in real lives you are having, and I really, really wanted you to know that :)

Thank you so much for all your time, for your dedication to improving women's self respect and their enjoyment of the wonder of their lives. Thank you for taking time to respond to me personally when I felt I was so confused and felt I was worth nothing. Take five minutes to appreciate some things happening on the other side of the world which are significantly better because of you.

XXXXXXXXXX

-C.

Getting Down in the Mud for Love

Last night, on Rock of Love 2, our vinyl-haired hero, Bret Michaels, presided over a rodeo.

The women contending for the grand prize of his love lassoed fake cattle and rode real horses, before the piece de resistance: getting down in the mud to wrestle bandanas off a passel of greased pigs.

Yee-hah.

After last week's episode, in which the Women of Low Self-Esteem were forced to battle each other -- barely dressed -- in a football game complicated by wind, rain, snow, and mud, I concluded that Bret really likes mud.

After last night's episode, we can safely conclude something else: He doesn't really like women.

The "winners" of this week's rodeo got to go on a date with him in some gimmick restaurant, where it was intentionally so dark Bret and the lasses had to form a congo line behind the maitre 'd to find their table. They couldn't see each other, let alone their food.

Nice date.

I don't know about you, but I like to see what I'm eating. If you've ever had the misfortune to find a hair in your salad at a 4-star restaurant, you know what I'm talking about.

But Bret's a happenin' guy. He likes to live on the edge.

Now, while he and the LSEs, Ambre, Kristy Joe, and Destiney (I think it was Destiney, anyway) couldn't see each other, technology allowed us in TV Land to see everything. Between gobbles of whatever was put in front of him, Bret (who possesses the table manners of a donkey) swapped saliva with Kristy Joe, unbeknownst to the other LSEs.

Eventually, Kristy Joe excused herself to go to the bathroom. Ambre identified herself and moved in, meeting no resistance from Bret. When it comes to sticking things in his mouth, our hero never discriminates.

Later on in the show, Bret eliminated Catherine, the "old" girl, who has been on the planet months longer than he has; and Peyton, the rocker girl he says he likes as a friend.

That leaves Bret with a bunch of kids who don't know a booby-prize when they see it, and Kristy Joe, the woman with restraining orders against her former and current husbands.

On another channel, in another universe, Jon Stewart made me laugh while hosting the Oscars.

How to Tell if He Likes You (Really)

Reading a guy's body language can be helpful (and entertaining) in the very beginning, but trying to read a guy's mind is a different story.

Don't do it.

If he says he'll call and doesn't, don't waste a single minute wondering why. If he says he likes you and then disappears, he's not worth your time. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, and then sticks his tongue in your mouth, he's not conflicted about his feelings.

He's a creep.

A man worth dating matches his words with his actions. If you're lying awake fretting about what he meant when he said one thing but did another, you're losing good sleep over a big fat zero.

You don't need any guy that badly.

If you're going to get involved with a man, he should never leave you in doubt about his feelings. He will value you. More important, you'll know it. If he says he'll call, he'll call. If he's going to be late, he'll apologize. If he wants a relationship, he'll say so. He won't chance losing a good thing.

But, you're thinking, maybe he's shy. Maybe he doesn't know how to express his feelings.

Shy men exist, sure, but by the time a man is an adult, he can usually figure out how to get what he wants. If he wants a promotion, he goes for it. If he wants a new pair of shoes, he goes out and buys them. If he wants a sandwich, he makes it.

If he wants to get to know a particular woman, he makes it happen.

And if he can't manage that much, do yourself a favor. Forget him. Hold out for a better man.

Better Men Through Reading

A lot of us go around saying things like, "All the good men are taken." Or, "All the good men are gay." Or, my particular favorite, "All the good men are married or in jail." (The woman who cleaned an office where I used to work came up with that one.)

And since our thoughts tend to determine own realities, we often turn out to be right.

It doesn't help when we're getting reinforcement all over the map about these limiting beliefs of ours. Movies, TV, magazines, and much of what is called "chick lit" continually remind us that men are lying, cheating, sex-obsessed serial disappointers--and we're doomed if we try to live without them.

Which, I've learned, is nonsense.

But if you want better men, it's critical to know that they truly exist. You can do this by surrounding yourself with them, even if you have to do it by reading about them. In the past year, I've read three books to help you along:

-A Widow's Walk by Marian Fontana. Fontana writes a beautiful, compelling, sad account about her husband's death in the 9/11 attacks. Without ever stooping to sentimentality, she makes it clear that New York City Firefighter Dave Fontana defied every negative stereotype about men. By the middle of the book, the reader can't help falling in love with him.

-Searching for the Sound: My Life with the Grateful Dead by Phil Lesh. Lesh reveals himself to be a smart, gentle man with a social conscience. He manages to tell a satisfying story of a rock-and-roll life, without ever maligning anyone or making excuses for his own mistakes.

After several romantic disappointments, he writes, he fell in love with the waitress who used to bring him breakfast near his home in Marin County. The way he describes this woman, to whom he's been happily married for over 20 years now, flies in the face of everything you've ever seen on, say, Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.

My favorite details about Phil: He washes dishes and used to drive his children to school.

-David Copperfield by Charles Dickens. Sure, David's not a real person, but supposedly Copperfield is the most autobiographical of Dickens books (not that I'm a scholar on this subject). David is, to me, the ultimate man. He's earnest, intelligent, funny, and increasingly successful. He respects people regardless of their class. He genuinely esteems women and seeks them not just for their beauty but for their wisdom and character. To create such a man, I think Dickens must have possessed at least some of David's sensibility.

He Suddenly Lost Interest

Terry-

I feel so sad - he used to be head over heels for me and do everything to try and get me, and he'd just be there all the time - and now it's so different. Why is this? What do I do? We go to the same school, and it's impossible for me not to see him everyday and we've been through so much together.

-M.


Dear M.-

First off, let me say how sorry I am for the rough time you're going through. I can't say why this guy went hot and cold on you, but believe me, most of us have experienced a passionate pursuer who suddenly lost interest.

And it hurts.

You don't say how old you are, but it's especially painful when you have to run into the creep who left you flat every single day at school or at the office.

My best advice is to stop asking yourself why the guy went cold. It probably doesn't have all that much to do with you, despite what you're telling yourself. Stop asking yourself what you said wrong, did wrong, wore wrong, ate wrong.

Give yourself a break.

Can you rekindle this guy's affection? Maybe, maybe not, and then you have to seriously ask yourself if it's even worth it. For instance, when you were together, did he have any annoying habits you chose to ignore?

Remind yourself of those annoying habits every time his cute face pops into your head.

Also:

Respond to his sudden lack of interest in kind. In other words, do not --under any circumstances --approach him. Do not email him or make excuses to talk to his friends.

Avoid him at all costs. When you do see him, keep your back straight. Smile, say hello, and keep moving.

One of two things will happen:

He'll realize he's made terrible a mistake and start coming around again. In this case, continue to treat him coolly. Do not allow yourself to become vulnerable until you're sure he won't drop you like an old shoe again. Keep yourself busy with friends and school until it's clear that he understands that you're the greatest thing to ever cross his path.

The other possibility is he won't come around again.

In this case, you will get over him in time. When that happens, it will become apparent that the poor guy isn't even in your league. You will run into him in the library and discover that his ears are too small for his head. You'll wonder what the heck you were ever thinking.

You'll move on to better things, and it'll be his loss.

How They Met

Here's a good one:

My aunt, who's in her 60s, and three friends from high school just came back from a vacation togther. They stayed with another friend, who lives in a magnificent house on a shimmering island. This friend has a husband who insisted on cooking meals for the five women.

"Was he any good?" I asked my aunt.

"Fantastic," she answered. "He's a fantastic guy altogether. You have to hear how he met my friend, though. It's too funny."

"Okay."

"My friend was a nun. For 10 years. She left the convent and took a job with a corporation. She said she didn't have any skills so they put her in the library. This guy kept coming in, saying he was doing research. He didn't mention that he was the CFO. They started dating. Then they got married, and they've been married ever since."

And living the good life on some island.

Truly, anything is possible.

Rock of Shove

Last night's episode of Rock of Love , featuring Poison singer Bret Michaels, saw the LSEs competing in a sadistic football game, the dopily named "Bret's Mud Bowl." The ladies were forced to show our hero their "athleticism" by beating the crap out of each other, while rolling under a sprinkler in cold mud and dressed in shorts and cropped tops.

After the game, the LSEs stood shivering. Ambre sought treatment for torn-up knees, but she suffered in vain: Her team lost, and Daisy, the opposing team's MVP, won top prize: the coveted Solo Date With Bret.

And where, pray tell, did our hero take Daisy to reward her for her "athleticism?"

Why, a lingerie store, of course.

After Daisy modeled a couple of numbers, Bret treated her to dinner right there in the store. Now that's every woman's dream, eh? One-stop shopping for fast-food and underwear.

Bret's idea (or VH1 producers' idea) of fun dates make me sleepy. I mean, these girls wear lingerie constantly, so where's the appeal in watching them model more of it? Now, if Bret were to take one of them to, say, an Obama rally, I might have reason to stay awake.

After the rockin' time at the lingerie store, Daisy and her temporary man returned to the castle, where he promptly started making out in the sloppiest fashion (seriously; my stomach turned) with Catherine, the 45-year-old he keeps finding himself drawn to.

I wonder if it's ever dawned on our hero that he's attracted to Catherine because she's the one "beautiful girl in the house," who's his age. He might even have something in common with her. Most of the other contestants are barely eligible to vote.

I can't tell you which of the LSEs got the axe this week because I couldn't keep my eyes open through the elimination phase. I fell asleep.

It's Valentine's Day

And the pressure is on.

I really like Jeff Mac's perspective on this Hallmark holiday, though. Click here to read it.

Her Husband Lived Like Tony Soprano

Hello Terry,

I would like to ask your opinion and advice. I was married 34 years to a man who I felt loved me tremendously, and I had a good life. In 2004, he became someone else and the result for me was emotional, mental, and financial abuse. I am now divorced since January 30, 2007.

I am 58 years young and in good shape and am told I look 45. I tell you this, because I have not dated during or after the divorce, almost three years. I am alone most of the time except for my children, night classes at college and a support group. Alone is fine for me, but feeling lonely hits sometimes. Since I had filed for divorce, people have chosen to inform me of my husband's last 34 years, and it's been more like a Tony Soprano storyline!

My question is do you think I'm 'hiding out,' avoiding any social situations to escape meeting someone? I would love to meet a man to share my life with, but I am doing nothing to make that happen. Do you think I'm so 'shell shocked' by the betrayal of my husband that I'm like that ostrich with its head in the sand, and what would your advice be to help myself?

Thank you,

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

P.S. I have had many invititations to dinner, lunch, drinks and whatever else they could do for me, but those invitations have been from married men!


Hello, Shy-

First off, let me offer you my condolences about this unthinkable ordeal. Do I think you're shell shocked? I'm not a psychologist, but I know this: I'd be devastated if I'd endured a tenth of what you did. Who wouldn't be rocked to their core after finding out that the man they loved for 34 years wasn't what he seemed?

And I can't imagine it helps when people come along to fill you in about his true character.

You may very well be 'hiding out,' and who could blame you? Your trust in the man you loved, not to mention your own instincts has been utterly shattered. You should congratulate yourself for making your best effort to move on by taking night classes and joining a support group. I respect that.

If you decide you really do want to meet someone, but you're terrified by the prospect, it might be a good idea to talk to a licensed therapist (get recommendations) to work your way through your very reasonable fears.

As for the married men asking you out all the time, well, they're not helping you to develop faith that a happy, trusting relationship is in the cards for you. Keep telling them to get lost.

Although I never experienced a betrayal that ran as deep as yours, one way I was able to work through my fears about relationships was by writing the word "marriage" on the top of a piece of paper. Then I wrote, without stopping to edit myself, whatever words popped into my head about it.

Most of it wasn't pretty, but then I got to see in blue in white what exactly held me back from moving forward. Once I brought my fears to light, I worked through them.

I wish you all the best in working through yours.

Be patient with yourself. You've only been divorced 13 months, after all. Give yourself all the time you need to gather your strength. If people upset you with news of your former husband, shut your ears to them.

Criminal Background Checks, Online Dating, and the Rock of Love

Last month, the state of New Jersey enacted a law requiring online dating sites to reveal whether they do background checks on members. Apparently, Match.com doesn't do them, having concluded they don't offer extra protection. Another company, True.com, does.

Critics question whether background checks promote a false sense of security. For more information, click here.

Changing the subject, I did watch Rock of Love the other night. In this episode, our vinyl-haired hero made at least four headband changes (that I counted; I kept flipping back and forth to the Grammys).

Bret dealt with a couple of the LSEs who failed to meet the evening's challenge, which had something to do with motorcycles. To punish the women, he forced them to put on bikinis and clean his very own personal motorcycle with a toothbrush.

He truly is the type of man every parent hopes her daughter will grow up to marry.

As far as the Grammys went, I enjoyed seeing Ringo Starr and Tina Turner. The Foo Fighters blew me away. Amy Winehouse's speech made me cry. What stress that girl must be under! I hope she will recover, and I wish her the very best.

Settling for Mr. Good Enough

Once you get into your mid-30s, Atlantic writer Lori Gottlieb maintains that you should consider settling for a man who's less than what you really want. Kailen Rosenberg, a relationship expert, disagrees.

Watch the clip and decide for yourself.

Today I Need You

Pray for me.

No Marriage Is Divorce-Proof (and a Man is Not the Key to Happiness)

Anonymous directed this charming comment to my post of the other day:

"This is a bunch of hocus-pocus from someone who has not a clue as to what it is like to be over-35 and looking.

Hope Terry never has to find out. *No* marriage is divorce-proof, I am afraid. A lot of women are a bimbo away from divorce, especially if their husbands are decent looking and make a good income."

Well, I don't agree about the hocus-pocus part or the over 35-thing. I may get into that another time. However, I definitely agree with the observation that my marriage is not divorce-proof.

If I've given anybody the impression that Peter and I twirl around the place all day like Cinderella and Prince Charming, I've given you a bum steer.

Look, we're happy. We like each other. We love each other. We make an effort to to treat the other as we'd want the other to be treated. We pay attention to each other.

Not all the time, but most of the time.

Anybody who ever produced children know that they make demands. They're distracting. It's too easy to lose a marriage to children, or to let the marriage become all about the children. On occasion, we've teetered mightily close to that cliff.

Fortunately, one of us usually pulls the other back before we fall over.

After our first child was born, my mother insisted that date nights were critical for married people with children. But that's not very helpful if you're strapped to a man who wants to sit on the couch drinking Bud all night, or if he's picking up women on business trips. You need a partner who's willing. How many people are married to people who aren't willing?

And that's why making a list is important when you set out to meet that partner. Know what qualities will make you happy. A man may look fierce in a suit and make a million dollars, but if he makes his living selling questionable mortgages to people with limited English, he's probably not a good candidate.

If you know what you want, you improve your chances of getting it. But it doesn't matter if you attract the right partner if you suffer from low self-esteem. A man is not the key to happiness. Self-esteem is the key to happiness. Because even if you have the right guy, if you don't like yourself, it's eventually going to shipwreck your relationship.

But, back to my non-divorce-proof marriage: Is it possible that my husband will replace me one day with some bimbo? We went out for dinner last night, and we had a conversation about this reader's comment. He says no, but people wake up with chemical imbalances every day of the week. It could happen.

He noted the possibility that I could ditch him for a "himbo," too.

"Some women think all men are evil," I said.

"Some men are evil," he said. "A lot of women are evil, too."

Which is the truth (don't get me started on women who target a man in a particular tax bracket to pay for a lifestyle to compete with their sister's or college roommate's).

Did this conversation divorce-proof our marriage? No, because no marriage is divorce-proof.

And I'm not sure I'd ever want it to be.

As a good friend, who is going through a divorce as I write (and whose husband didn't leave her for a bimbo), noted, "Knowing that there's a possibility that a marriage could end makes it more valuable. It's like life. Some people don't want to think about death, but if you think about the fact that you're going to die someday, you're going to make your time count. The same goes for a marriage."

She's getting divorced because her husband didn't make the time count. And she likes herself far too much to allow herself to be taken for granted.

I'll tell you this much: If my husband ever does decide to take off, I'll tell him not to let the door hit him on his way out. I don't want to be with anyone who does not want to be with me. That's where the self-esteem thing kicks in.

And if we divorce, you will definitely be among the first to know.

How Do You Tell If He's the One?

Terry, I have a question here-

Say you've attracted a man that fits into what you've visualized. Or at least 90%. How do you know he's a "flagstone" in your path, or if he's the real one? Thanks!

-S

Hi, S-

Sorry for the delay in replying.

For me, it was a matter of paying more attention to what he did than what he said. I took notice of the way he treated not just me but other people, everybody from his mother to waitresses. I watched how he handled disappointment and conflict. I listened to the way he spoke about other people.

I spent time with his friends, male and female. You really can judge a person by the company they keep. Some women hate their boyfriends having female friends, but I think it's a good thing. Peter has a couple of great female friends, and their behavior and assessment of him provided a compass.

When we'd been dating a couple of months, a friend and I took a vacation to San Francisco and San Diego. It offered a great opportunity for all the old fears kick in: Will he pick me up at the airport as he promised? Is he too good to be true?

My friend and I went back to the hotel room after visiting Seaworld (those poor animals!) to rest up for the evening festivities. My friend snapped on Oprah (Oprah again!). The day's subject was men who had beaten their wives to death.

I lay there watching and wondering what the hell I was getting into. How many men beat their wives? According to Oprah, plenty. Had I become involved with such an individual? I had dated a smack-arounder once before.

My friend slumbered peacefully while I cranked myself into a fetal position, gasping through a panic attack. She woke up, and we went out. Had a lovely dinner, went to a comedy club, had a million drinks.

But then I remembered: I'd gotten to the point where I enjoyed being alone. If this guy didn't fit the bill, sure, I'd be disappointed, but I would most definitely live.

I'd like to tell you I stopped worrying about him picking me up at the airport, but I didn't. I had a history of dating unreliable people. On the flight, I tried to concentrate on Bonfire of the Vanities , but I didn't get far.

He did pick me up at the airport. The thing I like most about Peter is that he does what he says he's going to do. I guess if I could sum him up in one word it would be "earnest."

Also: At one point in the relatioship, I did say to him, "I've been hurt before. If this relationship isn't working for you, would you please let me know? I can take that, but I can't take the not calling and disappearing."

And then he asked the same thing of me, which gave me some peace of mind.

But in the end, I learned it's best to follow the advice of not only Jeff Mac of Manslations.com but my 3rd Grade teacher, Sr. Mary Maurice: "Actions speak louder than words."

Mr. Right Wants You, Too

I came home from my daughter's piano lesson yesterday to find one of my heroes, Louise Hay, being interviewed on Oprah, a show don't often watch. As you may already know, reading Louise Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life, marked a turning point in my life.

She and Oprah discussed affirmations, the Law of Attraction, and how they help you get what you want. O magazine writer Martha Beck also appeared to discuss her recent column about women who attracted the right man by writing a magic list.

Of course this thrilled me. I heartily recommend writing a list because it worked for me. One reader shared her list with me, and I went on to share it here. Another reader scoffed at her for getting into the nitty-gritty, but it helps to know what you want. One of the happily married women Oprah interviewed seemed to include as many details.

Dating a Widower

Dear Terry,

Love your emails. If you decide to answer my request for advice, feel free to share this question with your readers. Just don't use my real name.

I'm 47, he's 50. Met in March 07, he had been a widower for 6 months after wife's long terminal illness.

We got engaged in July and were going to move in together in Sept, we were both living in New York at the time. In August he breaks up with me, loves me, adores me, having anxiety can't do it. I move back to my house in S. Carolina.

In October we get back together. Long distance relationship now but we see each other every week. Go to France and Greece for three weeks in November, have the time of our lives, he says he can't live without me.

The next weekend, Dec. 1, he flies to S.Carolina and tells me he can't do it, we break up again.

Throughout, he text messages me and sends me emails and voicemails he loves me, etc. etc. I haven't seen him since 12/1. We just spoke briefly this weekend, 1/27. Continues to tell me he loves me.

I plan to surprise visit him in about a month. The plan is to show up at this house in the morning, pick up something he couldn't find to return to me. Be happy, looking like a million bucks, and then tell him "if you are not careful you will lose me forever." Then happily leave with no further conversation or when we will see each other next...

Is he commitmentphobic? Just emotionally not available and nothing can win him back?

What do you think?

Please advise.

Confused and hurt in S. Carolina

P.S. We are both highly accomplished people, very full lives. I adore him, have never loved anyone like I love him.

Dear Confused:

You're in a tough spot, and my heart goes out to you.

I do believe this man has deep feelings for you, but you haven't known him even a year. His wife died in September 2006, not 18 months ago.

For your sake (yes, for your sake), I beseech you to make a cup of tea, put your feet up, and relax. Please consider this situation carefully.

I don't know whether this man's marriage was happy, mediocre, or miserable, but I do know this: It takes time to get over the loss of a pet, let alone the loss of a human who shared your living space for a number of years.

I'm not a bereavement counselor, but I also know, having lost my mother to a long terminal illness in August 2005, that my father had a hard time the first year without her due to all the firsts:

His first Thanksgiving without her, his first Christmas, his first Easter, his first birthday. And each of those firsts was fraught with memories of the last (my mother suffered a siezure on her last Easter morning, and three of us screeched over to Lenox Hill Hospital with her in an ambulance). I suspect your former fiance is dealing with this kind of thing.

It's been my experience that widowed people need time to find their feet. Once they do, they're happy again and free to get on with their lives. But the grieving part is necessary.

This man proposed to you just 10 months after his wife's death, and part of him may fear he hasn't given her her due. His feelings may run deep for you, but he wonders if he isn't rushing things.

I'd like you to consider the same thing.

What happens if you do get married, and he wakes up one morning and tells you he's made a mistake? If you're confused and hurt now, you'll be far worse then.

This guy is truly doing you a favor by slowing things down; he says he's "having anxiety," which is absolutely normal, given his position. (I'd worry about him if he weren't a bit anxious.) If you're really worried about him, suggest he join a bereavement group or see a grief counselor, but do give him time to work out all his thrashing emotions.

Let me tell you another story:

Another widower, a relative, missed his wife's companionship. He started dating shortly after her death and soon became engaged. In July 2006, friends and family flew in for his wedding ceremony. In May 2007, he called around to announce that "the bird of happiness" had fallen from the tree, and he had filed for divorce.

I do not want this to happen to you.

Whatever you do, please do not surprise this man with a visit and tell him he's going to lose you if he's not careful. I suspect he already knows that, and that's why he leaves proclamations of love on your electronic devices. You don't mention if he has friends or children he confides in, but if you surprise him, they may tell him you're pushing too hard. They may warn him that you don't have his best interests at heart.

Take a deep breath.

If you can handle it, see him every now and then if the opportunity arises. By all means, look like a million bucks. You have a full life, so focus on it when you're not with him. Do your best to put him out of your mind. If you have to, go to a movie by yourself every night of the week to avoid sitting around thinking about him. If another attractive man comes along, feel free to date him.

Also, if the messages your former fiance leaves become too distracting or painful, ask him to stop. Say, "I respect the fact that you aren't ready to pursue our relationship. It's time to let me go."

To answer your last question, I don't think this man is commitmentphobic. I do think he's emotionally unavailable right now. He hasn't given himself time to get over his wife's death, and nobody can get him over it but him.

For the sake of your future happiness, let him do that.

-Terry

That Guy Who Seemed to Really, Really Like You

Hi Terry,

What’s your take on this type of guy behaviour?

Introduced through mutual friends, we spent an entire day together recently on a scenic trip to a beachside resort. Throughout the day he paid me heaps of compliments, was charming, stared into my eyes over lunch, told me he was looking for a long-term relationship, touched me gently on the back whilst guiding me in and out of doorways and then insisted on paying for everything, you get the drift.

It sure felt like I was on a date, even though I was the one who invited him along as purely a friend. It was such a fun day, but since then I have not heard from him…...and now of course he has sparked my interest…what’s a girl to do?

-Bewildered

P.S. Terry, forgot to mention that the the day I spent with him was just over 2 weeks ago. And according to my friend that knows him, he is not seeing any one.

Dear Bewildered-

Oh, my gosh. I met this guy, too! And I was utterly convinced that he was the one, that he'd call, that God had answered my prayers, and we'd live happily ever after. I knew it because he looked into my soul, and he got me. And I got him.

And then he said goodbye, and I never heard from him again.

I'd like to tell you I only met this guy once, but I'd by lying. I met him several times in various forms over the course of my single life, and I fell for him every time.

I am utterly humiliated to tell you that after being bewitched by one of these demons I did a bit of detective work (this was before the Internet, so I'll give myself credit for cleverness) and found out where he lived. And then-- and oh, how it shames me that I did not have the foresight to use a pseudonym before outing myself this way-- I left a letter in his mailbox.

To which he did respond several weeks later while very, very drunk.

As I said, I fell for a bunch of these types over the years, but after using the Law of Attraction, I stopped. I knew I'd been completely cured when I made the acquaintance of yet another guy so similar to the one you describe, a real charmer who made me laugh and laugh.

And then, suddenly, a voice thundered in my head. It said, "You've met this guy before."

And then a friend said to me, out loud, "You've met guys like this before."

I shook his hand and moved along.

But you asked for my take on male behavior, not a history of my dating experiences, so let's move on.

I'm not sure why some men act this way, but I have some theories:

-He did indeed like you, but he suffers from some sort of performance anxiety. He knocked you dead on your first meeting; he could be afraid of disappointing you on the next.

-He is the type of twisted maniac who enjoys collecting women's phone numbers and then tearing them up into little pieces (I knew a couple of guys who used to do this).

-He meant it when he said he wants a long-term relationship, but he suffers psychological blocks that prevent him from achieving it. Only a licensed professional will ever help him dig himself out of the mine.

Whatever his problem is, don't make it your problem. If he ever manages to call you, I strongly suggest you play it cool. In other words, "Oh, I've got plans this weekend, but Wednesday might work" will do.

And, even then, don't get your hopes up. If he tells you again that he's interested in a long-term relationship, change the subject. I never trust people who discuss long-term intentions on a first or second meeting, anyway. Think of it this way: If you met a woman at a party and hit it off, would you announce, "I'm looking for a best friend?" No, because she'd think you're weird, and you'd scare her off.

Friendships develop over time or they don't. The same goes for romantic relationships. You don't go around telling men you meet you want a long-term relationship, do you? Well, this guy shouldn't be making such statements, either.

If you do go out with him, be the picture of insouciance. Do you hear me? Insouciance! Think Audrey Hepburn before the jig was up in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Tra-la-la-la-la.

And keep your options open. Don't put all your eggs in this fellow's cracked basket. Decide what qualities you want and need in a man and measure him by them. Decide what qualities you want and need in a man and visualize yourself with such a man.

Consider this: Perhaps your day with this guy equaled a flagstone on your path to a better man, a forthright soul who never requires you to analyze his behavior.

Have You Tried Online Dating?

Whether you've already dived in or you're thinking about it, you must read Susan Courtad's experiences here.

The Millionaire Matchmaker

Since VH1 rightly figured that much of their Rock of Love 2 audience would probably be watching the Super Bowl (that would include me), they didn't run a new episode last night. But I did catch an episode later on of Bravo's The Millionaire Matchmaker, which dating expert Ronnie Ann Ryan recommends.

I admit I didn't have high hopes for this reality show, which stars an individual by the name of Patti Stanger, who makes her living matching millionaire men with attractive women. It struck me as depressing. But according to her bio on the Bravo website:

"Ms. Stanger believes if a man wants to woo and win a 'Perfect 10' female, he must himself become a 'Perfect 10' both internally and externally in order to reach his objective."

That's encouraging. I'm also happy to say that in the episode she did treat the women beautifully. And she had no qualms about telling the men why they'd had trouble finding love in the first place.

Interestingly, a reader named Model Elaine commented on my post of January 28th. She asked if a man who's dated a woman for as long as three years is likely to ever propose to her. I told her I've seen it happen more than once. After going to The Millionaire Matchmaker website, I found Patti Stengler's take on this question. She says:

"It takes four seasons to get to know someone well enough to delve into marriage. If a man doesn't propose to you by the end of one year, you must end the relationship and move on, unless he agrees to therapy."

I agree with her about the four seasons part, definitely, and a man over the age of 35 certainly should be able to make a commitment. But some of the younger ones who're still paying off student loans, finishing grad school, or establishing themselves in business might need longer than that (Stangler's dealing with millionaires who face none of these obstacles).

Do not rush into marriage with a guy who carries a lot of debt, or you'll surely learn that financial troubles are to love what the Giants are to the Patriots.

For Smiley, Who Wants a Certain Guy's Attention

It's Saturday morning and time to plan some serious fun. In the meantime, the writer of the following letter originally posted it in the comments area, where I answered it. I'm afraid she'll miss my response, so I'm reposting it here with a couple of additions:

Hi Terry,

You remind us time and again we are precious beings who deserve nothing but the best.

Hoping to seek your advice on something. There's this guy that I like. We've been going out in a big group with other friends for the past few months. We laugh, talk and have a lot of fun when we are out.

However, I am always the one to organise the big-group outings, and he has never asked me out on a single date. I suppose that means he's not interested in me in the romantic sense. Well, so how can I attract his attention, let him see me in a different light, and make the necessary moves?

-Smiley

Thanks for writing, Smiley. From the tone of your letter, it's easy to see that you are a special being who deserves nothing but the best.

You say that you have a lot of fun with this guy when you're in a big group. Now, do you make a special (but casual) effort to speak to him on his own? Are you smiling at him and making eye contact?

If so, and he's not picking up on it, you could be so bold as to say, "Hey, I have an extra ticket to ______________. Would you like to go with me?" (Since you're the one who's usually doing all the organizing, this wouldn't look at all outlandish.)

If he says yes, congratulations and good luck. You'll get that chance for him to see you in a special light. If he says no, it's his loss. Take another friend and have a great time!

Whatever happens, keep doing what you're doing. By taking the initiative in getting people together for fun, you exponentially increase your odds of meeting your perfect guy.

You're no down-on-your-luck complainer, that's for sure! You make things happen, and that's highly attractive.

I salute you.

-Terry

The Specter of Valentine's Day

Financial planner Bette Lynn Paez told me about a Valentine's Day party she and a bunch of single friends once threw. Every guest on the list had to a) be single, and b) bring along an unattached friend of the opposite sex.

To get conversations started, all of the attendees wore labels noting the last movie they'd seen or the location of their last vacation. I thought, wow, what a brilliant idea. Talk about taking a crappy Hallmark holiday and making it work for you.