Bret Michaels Plays the Hapless Victim

Rock of Love 2 is so sad I can barely force myself to watch it anymore.

I fell asleep during both broadcasts of the latest episode last night, so here I am in front of the TV for a third time, trying to wrap my brain around it.

For those of you who are just joining us, a dwindling group of scantily clad women is competing on national television for the affections of a has-been rock musician. Every week, the show's producers come up with fresh ideas for competitions to humiliate the women.

This episode's victorious duo entertained vets by reciting the Preamble to the Constitution while wiggling inside hula-hoops. Of course, they wore bikinis. To start their act, they gave each other a good slap on the rump with American flags. Now, that's taking patriotism to a new level.

Because women serve in the US military, the audience did contain a good number of females, some of whom laughed self-consciously. Others just looked horrified.

Afterwards, Bret, who has moved beyond covering his fat head with a bandana and now wears a hat on top of a bandana, sat down for dinner with his Ladies of Low Self-Esteem. He threw out a question: "In your opinion, which of the other girls is here for the wrong reason." Not wanting to betray another contestant, a couple of LSEs skirted the question.

Bret got angry. He demanded answers.

He maintained that he had to know who was in it for real (uh, like he's even in it for real), but clearly the guy was pushing for a fight.

Eventually, Ambre pointed her finger at Kristy Joe. Curses flew. Bret threw his napkin down and left the table. Later in the show, he claimed to be "physically and emotionally exhausted."

What a cretin.

I'm waiting for these women to smarten up and tell this guy to take a flying leap. Now there would be a drama I could stay awake to watch.

Getting Down in the Mud for Love

Last night, on Rock of Love 2, our vinyl-haired hero, Bret Michaels, presided over a rodeo.

The women contending for the grand prize of his love lassoed fake cattle and rode real horses, before the piece de resistance: getting down in the mud to wrestle bandanas off a passel of greased pigs.

Yee-hah.

After last week's episode, in which the Women of Low Self-Esteem were forced to battle each other -- barely dressed -- in a football game complicated by wind, rain, snow, and mud, I concluded that Bret really likes mud.

After last night's episode, we can safely conclude something else: He doesn't really like women.

The "winners" of this week's rodeo got to go on a date with him in some gimmick restaurant, where it was intentionally so dark Bret and the lasses had to form a congo line behind the maitre 'd to find their table. They couldn't see each other, let alone their food.

Nice date.

I don't know about you, but I like to see what I'm eating. If you've ever had the misfortune to find a hair in your salad at a 4-star restaurant, you know what I'm talking about.

But Bret's a happenin' guy. He likes to live on the edge.

Now, while he and the LSEs, Ambre, Kristy Joe, and Destiney (I think it was Destiney, anyway) couldn't see each other, technology allowed us in TV Land to see everything. Between gobbles of whatever was put in front of him, Bret (who possesses the table manners of a donkey) swapped saliva with Kristy Joe, unbeknownst to the other LSEs.

Eventually, Kristy Joe excused herself to go to the bathroom. Ambre identified herself and moved in, meeting no resistance from Bret. When it comes to sticking things in his mouth, our hero never discriminates.

Later on in the show, Bret eliminated Catherine, the "old" girl, who has been on the planet months longer than he has; and Peyton, the rocker girl he says he likes as a friend.

That leaves Bret with a bunch of kids who don't know a booby-prize when they see it, and Kristy Joe, the woman with restraining orders against her former and current husbands.

On another channel, in another universe, Jon Stewart made me laugh while hosting the Oscars.