She's In No Rush to Get Married--Is She Weird, or What?

Hi Terry,

I guess that first I would like to commend you on the advice you give others with their pressing life's questions. You seem to analyze things the same way that I do, and I guess that's why I wanted to come foreward and ask you a question of my own.

First off I am only 21 years old (still very young I know), but I've recently found out that my views on marriage are so much more different than everyone else's that I have come across. I have been with my boyfriend, the love of my life and my best friend, for two and a half years, and unlike most people I am not expecting an engagement ring any time soon. I don't feel that we have been together long enough to receive such a gift.

I read about people wanting rings after only a year or sometimes even less and getting them, and it makes me nervous in my stomach. Forever is a very long time and to base so much on such a short time would make me uneasy.

But on another note there is no doubt that my boyfriend and I will be together forever as we tell each other often. We share dreams of having a home, children, dogs, and maybe even some day a cottage by a river. We sometimes lay awake a night and collectively daydream about what dreams we have the future (now if we can ever agree on a son's name lol). He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I cannot imagine my life without him. I feel like as long as I have him, and we continue working towards our future I'm happy and don't need anything else, and I know he feels the same.

But then there is the topic of marriage. Currently both of our parents are going through nasty separations. My parents are separating from a 22 year marriage and his mother is divorcing from her second marriage, this one of 16 years. Both of our mothers are already dating and have not had communication with us in almost a year. We're both going through the same thing, and so have been able to offer each other a lot of support. But I think that these ordeals have made us both afraid of marriage.

Through the past 2 and a half years with him I've realized that I don't need a ring to prove that he loves me or that I love him. That we don't need a piece of paper to stay together forever and to make each other happy. We both put equal parts into the relationship and keeping a happy home with our two cats. I realized that the only reason I would want to get married would be to have his last name and to wear that beautiful dress, and I really don't need either. As long as I have him to make me laugh, to share my dreams with, to hug me when I cry, and encourage me when I'm down I don't see why I need a ring and a rock. Am I completely crazy and off the radar that I'm not crying for a ring?

Sure some days I often think that the party would be fun and that our relationship wouldn't change with marriage (just because we're both so aware of what happens) but is it wrong or odd of me to not feel pressured to be married by society and family? For me to not become crushed if there's not a promise ring for me in a box under the tree (We always agreed promise ring before engagement ring and puppies before babies)? I almost feel like a black sheep.

When we talk about how we feel about marriage I feel fine but then when we're around all of our friends who are engaged and having children, they laugh at our idea and are taken back by the fact we're not in a rush to get married. Why does it make me feel like I'm weird? I read these questions about people ready to end a six-month relationship because they don't have a ring yet, and I can't help but wonder why I have no desire to get one. If he ever asks my answer is yes because I know we'll get through any problems together, but will we ever get over our fear of marriage?

I know its a long email but you seemed like the one person I could explain my problem to without any ridicule. There's multiple problems in this I know. The fear of marriage and the pressure of society. Its a small problem compared to some but I just need to know that I'm not weird (Which I use the word weird for lack of another more fitting word). I hope I didn't confuse you too much, and I hope I hear from you soon.

-T

Hello, T-

Thanks for the kind words.

Now, do I think you're weird? On the contrary, I think you're smart, self-aware, and show incredible wisdom for a person of any age, let alone 21 years.

Let's talk about your age. You're 21, and society chides you because you're in a relationship but not pining for a ring. You're barely out of school, finding your way in the world, deciding what's right and what's not right for you, and somehow this makes you weird.

But you're not. You haven't allowed other people to make decisions for you. You know your own mind. You are to be respected, not chided.

Now about the fear of marriage. Again, you're 21. Your parents and your boyfriend's mother are in the middle of what you term "nasty" divorces. Well, really, who in your position--and in her right mind-- wouldn't think twice before she legally bound herself to another person?

The truth is, many people don't get married because they're in love. They get married because "it's time" or "everybody else is doing it" or because they promised themselves they'd beat their sister, roommate, or cousin to the altar (seriously, some people do this).

It's insane.

You and your boyfriend, on the other hand, seem to be working out very carefully what you want out of life together. Believe me when I tell you that so many engaged and married people don't have the conversations you're having. They buy a ring, buy a dress, and wing the rest. They wake up a year or two years or five years later wondering if one or the other is ever going to want children, or if they're ever going to agree on when to swap the one-bedroom in the city for a house in the suburbs.

Eventually, a lot of them give up trying to convince the other and divorce.

Will you ever get over your fear of marriage? I don't know. You and your boyfriend might consider counseling to work through your very natural and intelligent concerns. Or you may just keep going at the pace that feels comfortable and see how things unfold.

All the very best to you,

Terry

It's Thanksgiving

I love Thanksgiving. It's fun and free of the pressure of having to run around and get just the right gift for everybody from Grandma to the doorman.

Today we're headed to my brother and his fiancee's house to celebrate with all the Hernons (first time our schedules have allowed us to be in the same room together in a long time).

Whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or not, have a brilliant weekend. If you're so inclined, check out my article, Still Single for the Holidays? Lucky You.

Loving a Younger Man

Conventional wisdom used to say that only men like Jack Nicholson and Mick Jagger got away with dating much-younger members of the opposite sex, but everyday women are dating--and marrying--guys young enough to be their own sons in increasingly greater numbers.

The December issue of More magazine features a fascinating essay by E.D. Cohen, a woman who, at the age of 37, married a 21-year-old man.

Women like Cohen have become so prevalent that BBC America produced a documentary about relationships between younger men and older women called Sugar Mummies, to which the Today show devoted a segment last week. Meredith Vieira interviewed Linda Franklin of The Real Cougar Woman and Valerie Gibson, author of Cougar-A Guide For Older Women Dating Older Men.

The AARP reports that 30% of women over 40 are dating younger men.

Got you thinking? Dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan helps you figure out which type of younger man is right for you.

He's Cute, He Has a Great Job, But...

Hi Terry,

I met this guy three months ago who says he really likes me. He's 30 years old, handsome, and has a very nice well-paying job. When I met him, he was living in another town, but he said he has had no girlfriend since June last year. One day I told him that I would like to visit him, and he told me that I couldn't visit him there unless when he moves to a new town - which is where I live.

This guy is now in the same area where I live. His house should be about 10 minutes drive from my house, and yet he has never invited me or given me directions to his house. He calls me every few days just to say he likes me and is thinking about me. He passes through my house once in two weeks for about 30 minutes just to say hi. I have asked him whether he has a girlfriend, and he has said no. He says I am the one he would like to be his girlfriend. Since I am just coming out of an abusive relationship, I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I find his behavior very suspicious and would like to cut him out of my life before things progress.

His looks are very tempting, but I would rather consider his character and personality first since I was deceived by looks before. I ask myself why he hides his house-what else is he keeping me from knowing?

His behavior is suspicious, isn't it? I haven't called or returned his calls for over a week because of my suspicions.

Thanks.

M.

Dear M.-

Your instincts are excellent. This man's words do not match his actions, and I wouldn't waste another minute thinking about him until they do.

Since you've suffered an abusive relationship, you're right to be careful. I'm sending you an article about how one person got past a similar experience. I hope you'll find it useful.

Thank you for writing.

All the very best,

Terry

Is This It? She Wants to Feel More of an Attraction

Dear Terry,

You are so incredibly sweet and sound so genuine. I truly appreciate how much care and dedication you put in your writing. I wish you all the succcess in the world!

I have a question which I'm sure you have an answer for. You see, I'm currently in a relationship with a wonderful man! I love him dearly. He has so many wonderful qualities, not to mention being an excellent cook and musician. I know you always tell us "not to settle," which is excellent advice, and I don't think I'm necessarily settling in this instance (although I could be wrong), but one question pops up in my mind which I've been concerned about.

I have used the law of attraction to attract my honey; however, in that process I didn't always feel a surge of romantic passion emerge. Since God has blessed me with this wonderful person, my attraction towards him has grown considerably; however, it's weak in comparison to the attraction I've felt towards men who haven't treated me nicely in the past.

Do I have this relative feeling of low romance towards him because of my own insecurities? I think that I'm going through a transition phase at the moment, hence why I was able to attract this great guy into my life, but what I need to work on is loving myself more. In that case, do you think my attraction towards who I think is Mr. Right will continue to grow? I feel so silly for asking this since it seems like I've already figured it out but I just want a confirmation from someone who seems to have her act together in this area.

Also, do you have any suggestions, or is wanting to feel greater attraction for your significant other an act of settling? Though I don't think it is, any help on this matter is greatly appreciated. Also, I really do want to make this relationship work because I believe it's the right thing to do-we both share the same aspirations, attitude towards life, and like I said I do love him dearly. It's just that I want to feel a greater depth of attraction!

-Confused

Dear Confused:

Thanks for the extremely kind words.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned your attraction to men who didn't-- or don't-- treat you well. In a lot of cases, women do find themselves drawn to substandard men because they suffer from low self-esteem. Other women suffer from plain old fear of commitment. They dig bad boys because on a subconscious level, they know they'll never have to look at him every day for the rest of their lives.

So, now you have a happy relationship with a man with whom you have a lot in common. He treats you well. You love him. But still you have this nagging feeling: Is this all there is? And why am I still thinking about So-and-So?

Let me be clear about settling. I wouldn't settle for a man who doesn't love me. I wouldn't settle for a man I don't love. I wouldn't settle for a man to whom I'm attracted but mistreats me.

If you love this guy, and he loves you, and your attraction is growing, keep going. See where you're headed. It's not settling.

But ask yourself if you'd like him better if he treated you worse. Really think about this. You certainly wouldn't be the first person saddled with the I-Refuse-to-Join-Any-Club-That-Would-Have-Me-as-a-Member Syndrome.

If you decide you suffer from it, do this: Imagine yourself married to one of the yo-yos you mistreated you. Bring to mind all the things you did not like about him (you know, the ones we conveniently forget when we're in the throes of a pleasant memory). Perhaps he used to go around with hair coming out of his ears, or he liked to make up his own words. Or something. You get the idea.

How would you like waking up to that for the rest of your life? Or going to bed wondering if he and his hairy ears are ever coming home?

If you decide you don't suffer from the I-Refuse Syndrome, ask yourself if you harbor reservations about long-term relationships or marriage. A lot of us do and don't even realize it. We just walk around wondering why we keep being attracted to unsuitable guys.

Ask yourself, "What would marriage look like on a day-to-day basis?" This'll help you figure out if you fear ending up horribly bored, abused, or a miserable chain-smoker in track pants like Aunt Louise. Do some digging to root out any nagging concerns that could be distracting you from your current relationship.

Examine the horrifying scenarios you come up with, and then ask yourself, "Is something like this guaranteed to happen? Can something better happen? What would it be?" And focus on that. Some people are happily married all their lives. Is it possible that you and this fellow could be two of those people?

Finally, you say that your attraction is growing for him. So give it time. What's the rush? Maybe your attraction for him will keep growing. Or maybe you'll decide that he'd make a great friend, and your relationship will turn out to be a dress rehearsal for something else.

Again, give it time. By all means, work on loving yourself more. (And if we all work on being more loving in general, the world will be a better place.)

Take your relationship day by day. Enjoy it. Let it become what it will be. Above all, stop worrying so much about it.

Have fun.

-Terry

Should She Remain Friendly With an Ex?

I have a quick question, Terry....

Do you think women should stay friends with an ex..whether that be a guy they've only dated a few times or for a longer period? I mean when the guy has been the one to either not initiate a romance, or he's just moved on?

-Sian

Hi, Sian-

It all depends on how the woman feels about him.

If she's harboring feelings for the guy, it makes it really hard to stay friends. It might be best for her to merely smile and wave when she runs into him--and then keep moving. She shouldn't be unfriendly to the guy (unless he's been a real jerk), but if being around him makes her feel uncomfortable, sad, or woefully unattractive, there's no point in trying to be his buddy (especially if it distracts her from meeting someone else who would make her happy).

But if it doesn't bother her that the guy moved on after a couple of dates, or that she doesn't light him up, why shouldn't she befriend him? They could have great times together. He just might introduce her to other interesting people and invite her to excellent parties, as well.

-Terry

She Wants a Commitment

Dear Terry:

I'm a 50 year old single woman (who looks and acts 35!) and have been "seeing" a man 13 years younger than myself. He lives in another part of the state. We have been seeing each other for 5 1/2 years now, and he shows no signs of wanting a committed relationship.

He says he is not ready to be in a committed relationship, but that he loves my company, and that it would break his heart if I stopped seeing him. When we first started seeing each other, he used to tell me he loved me all the time, but he doesn't say it anymore. As you can tell, I have been 5 and 1/2 years patient. He is a kind and gentle man and very intelligent, which is a big turn on to me, not to mention the passion we have in the intimate department.

We call each other every two weeks or so, and visit each other once a month, more or less. Sometimes I want to tell him "I can't see you any more because I deserve to be loved by someone who loves me just as much or more than I love them....", but I feel like there is no one else out there for me. I go out dancing almost every week end with friends (love to country western dance!) but have not met any one worth giving time to. Any advice?

-Dancer

Dear Dancer:

You do deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love him, but there's no point in telling it to the guy you're seeing now.

If you've been with me for a while, you know I believe (from my own experience) that the best way to get what what you want is to know what you want. So far, the guy you've been with seems to have most of the qualities you want, minus one: The ability or the inclination to make a commitment.

If you decide to stop seeing him, I don't know that you have to make a big announcement about it. You might just taper off your calls and visits. If you decide to keep seeing him, ask yourself if your passion for him will hinder you from moving on to someone else who's hoping to meet a woman he can love and marry.

So, let's work on meeting that guy.

First, get over the belief that there's not another man out there for you. There is.

Then write an affirmation which includes the qualities you want in that man:

"I, _________________, am happily married to a faithful, fun, passionate, intelligent, (fill in the blanks) who loves me and never lets me forget it."

And feel it that "reality" with all your senses.

Then act "as if:" What would your day look like if you were with such a person? More important, what would it feel like? What would it be like to wake up beside this person in the morning? What would you see? Hear? Smell? Taste? Touch?

You'll find that, with practice, your imagination will fill in the details. As time goes on, you'll convince your subconscious that this new man and this relationship is real in your life--and then watch out!

You've been wise to keep yourself busy by dancing with your friends, doing something you love, but why not shake things up a bit and add something new to your routine, as well. Why not check out an open mic night at a coffee shop or become a regular in a bookstore cafe? The great thing about bookstores: You will look perfectly normal hanging around there on your own.

By all means, keep dancing. But remember that wonderful men can show up anywhere: in the supermarket, at the bank, at the cleaners. Wonderful men can also turn out to be the friends, cousins, and brothers of the people you meet in those places.

So, be sure to spread love, kindness, and good humor as you go about your day. It will come back to you in kind.

Above all, don't worry about being 50. If you keep yourself in good shape and radiate a youthful attitude (and apparently you do), nobody really cares. If you're young at 50, chances are you're going to be young at 60, 70, and 80. (This will remain to be seen of a 30-year-old, who may think herself into old age by 40.)

Keep loving yourself, loving others, and getting out of the house, and you'll do just fine.

P.S. This just in: Check out Jeannette Maw's Good Vibe Blog to find out what Oprah had on her vision board. What a great Story!

Jerks Who Sometimes Show Up in Bars

Today's "Dear Abby" featured a letter from a psychologist who has lately been getting calls from men looking to talk to one particular woman.

Apparently, the woman meets these guys in bars. Either she's too timid to reject them outright or she's a sadist, and so she hands them a trusty phony phone number which, it turns out, belongs to the psychologist. Now the psychologist is rattled about having to field numerous texts and messages from Miss Chickenheart's ardent admirers.

I've known women who do this sort of thing, and I've heard there's even a phone service they can use to do their dirty work. They use some guy for free drinks all night and give him the service's number instead of their own. Then, when he calls, he gets some horrific canned message announcing that the object of his affection never wants hear from him again.

Not funny.

But guys pull this crap, too. A good friend of mine once seriously dated a guy who bragged about going to bars to see how many women's phone numbers he could collect. At the end of the night, he'd count them up and rip them into pieces. What a rush!

Seemed a bit psycho to me at the time, but the fact that he'd kept my friend's number made her feel like she'd bagged a shimmering prize. She continued dating him until she found out he was seeing someone else: His stepsister.

Which made me wonder if the stepsister was the type who imparted fake digits to unwitting admirers. Because a girl like that has something in common with the guy who collects phone numbers with the sole aim of destroying them.

They're jerks, and they deserve each other.

There is No Such Thing As Mr. Perfect

I found the following comment on the post Law of Attraction in Action and will address it here:

I am also quite fussy in choosing the right clothes, right college and now right person to date....ok I have lot of years still to meet Mr.
Perfect!...I have finished college and am now working in the corporate world and earning cool money but I am lonely at the end of the day! ...
And Boy! What all I have done to meet that Mr. Perfect...tried Facebook, MySpace, Match.com, but somehow in the end its always that I end up thinking that he is not good enough for me...Of late I have started using another site - as I heard that it's much better to help meet Mr. Perfect...so let's see what it does...

I sometimes hate myself to be so damn choosy...but I am like that since birth...I seek perfection ...what should I do?

-Choosy

Dear Choosy-

First off, stop hating yourself. Hating yourself always leads to making bad choices, which in your case may mean isolating yourself from people and experiences that might make you happy.

Or, it may not. It's entirely possible you're not ready for a relationship. As you said, you're young. Guess what? Today people marry later. A lot of us want to finish our educations and establish ourselves in careers before we bind ourselves to another human for life. This can be a good thing. Educated and financially sound people enjoy a lower divorce rate than their less educated and wealthy counterparts (please see the video below for more on this).

Now, you say you seek perfection, and you've scoured almost every available Internet source in search of it. But guess what? No man is perfect. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. It's not fair to expect perfection from another human being.

Sure, it's wise to know what you want in a man. Presumably, you want someone honest, kind, who values education as you do, and so on. Perhaps you also want someone who's funny because life, as I don't have to tell you, has its ups and downs, and we all need a laugh to get us through the bad times.

So, know what you want and don't settle for anything less. For example, if you want a kind man, don't settle for a guy who gets in the elevator and bangs the CLOSE button 10 times so he doesn't have to wait for the old lady humping along with a walker. Don't settle for a guy who lies or makes you wait in restaurants for him or doesn't call when he says he will.

But don't expect that the right man will never have a bad day, that he'll say or do the right thing in every situation, or that he'll look sharp when he's come down with a bad cold. Seek a man who you can love who'll love you and make your happiness a priority. Seek a best friend to whom you can be a best friend.

Treat others as you would have them treat you, and only hold them to the standards you can hold yourself. Again, not one of us is perfect. To pretend otherwise will only prevent you from enjoying life and the people who make it interesting.

Check out the video I mentioned:

How Can Emotional Freedom Technique Help You?

Here's what health authorities are saying about the easy-to-learn, easy-to-use technique that cured my insomnia:

"EFT offers great healing benefits."
-Deepak Chopra, MD

"EFT is at the forefront of the new healing movement."
Candace Pert, PhD
Author of Molecules of Emotion.

"By removing emotional trauma, EFT helps heal physical symptoms too."
Norm Shealy, MD
Author of Soul Medicine.

Click here for my Single Women Rule interview with EFT practitioner Alison Held. She'll explain how EFT can help you, too.

If you're suffering the loss of a loved one (or from a broken heart), trying to lose weight, or dealing with chronic physical or emotional pain, check out my interview with EFT practitioner and nutritional consultant, Alison Held.

EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. According to its founder Gary Craig, it's "an emotional, needle-free version of acupuncture that is based on new discoveries regarding the connection between your body's subtle energies, your emotions, and your health ...."

Alison helped me beat a bad case of insomnia and anxiety after the death of my mother. And, believe it or not, she did it in one session. The great thing about EFT is that you can do it yourself by yourself after using the free resources Alison suggests. Or, if you prefer to have someone walk you through it, Alison will offer listeners 20% off an initial consulation.

Click here to listen to my Single Women Rule interview with Alison.

Break Up Advice From a Reader

Terry-

Your newsletters on breaking up came at the perfect time.

The man I adore has gone quiet. This is not the first time he's "run away." But this time, I decided to simply let him go. Of course, my mind sees him everywhere, hear his voice in songs, etc.

When that happens, I simply hold him in my heart and silently say to myself, "I love you with all my heart, and I let you go." Sometimes there are a few tears, but always there is peace.

What is love, anyway, but being able to give the other person freedom without our "wanting" them to conform to our wishes and ideals?

-It works

Dear Works-

What is love, indeed?

You're an incredibly smart woman, and a lot of us will learn from your experience. Thank you so much for writing.

Terry

Office Romance: Should She Ask Her Boss Out?

Good afternoon, Ms. MacDonald-

Hope all is well. I love reading your articles, they definitely give me insights on how to move forward with relationships. Today, I need your advice. I am a single mom in my mid 40's and have had no luck in the love arena. I am very skeptical of starting relationships in today's corrupt society.

About a month ago, I went to a job interview and was sparked by the hiring manager; it was like an instant connection. Did not think anything of it afterwords because 99% of those individuals are married. However, within a few days of starting at my new job, I learned that my hiring manager was a single parent.

I feel very attracted to him but do not know if he even looks at me that way. I am one to believe that men are the ones that will make the move, but I am not sure if that will happen. What would be the protocol? What advice can I get from you on how to go about this? I have thought of dropping a line as a secret admirer but do not know if that is appropriate. Perhaps, I should just tell him how I feel but then, what is he going to think of me?

My other concern is how this could impact my job since he was my hiring manager, and I now work under him. Look forward to your words of wisdom and advice. Thank you for your time.

-New Hire

Dear New Hire:

Thanks for the kind words. Call me Terry, please, and congratulations on your new job.

My best advice is this: Don't make a move on him. The rules of romance are quite different when you're at work, especially when the man in question is your boss. It's possible the man is as attracted to you as you are to him; however, it's not in his best interests (or yours) to start something when you're brand new to a company. People are watching you to see how you shake out as an employee, and they're watching him to see if he's made a good hiring decision.

It's possible that months from now, when you're secure in your position, when the two of you have developed a rhythm in your work together, that things may change. But, right now, concentrate only on establishing yourself at the company. It won't be easy, but keep your mind on your work and not on your attraction to this man. It's possible that after working with him for a while, you'll realize you're not attracted much, anyway.

The first thing that popped out at me in your letter was this:

"I am very skeptical of starting relationships in today's corrupt society."

Let's examine this. I've been reading a bit of history lately, and one thing that hits me over and over is the fact that all societies have been corrupt. Read a couple of paragraphs in the Old Testament, and you'll see what I mean.

Evil people have existed since the beginning of time, as do others who operate only with their own best interests at heart. Clearly, you should not start a relationship with anybody like this.

But know that good people also exist. They always have, and they always will.

It really helps to know (put it in writing, please) some of the qualities you'd like in a person with whom you would enjoy a relationship. Often, women will say, "Well, he's got to be no shorter than 5'10, make a decent living, and have a great smile." (Seriously, they say this stuff.)

But a man who's 5'11, makes 150K+ per annum, smiles beautifully, yet can look another person in the eye and lie, who cheats, or is congenitally unable to pick his underwear off the floor probably won't cut it for you.

So, know what you want. What qualities exactly attract you to your new manager? Write them down. Do you want someone who's kind, has a sense of humor, is generous, faithful? Write that down, too.

It's amazing. When you know what you want, it's so much easier to recognize it when it shows up.

Also, since you're skeptical of starting new relationships, please be open to the possibility that so far you have chosen men who will confirm your suspicions by disappointing you. Ask yourself what scares you about waking up to the same person for the rest of your life. Boredom? Losing your identity? Infidelity? Fear of abandonment? Fear of being smothered?

These are all pretty normal fears, but if you can face them head on, you can get around them. If you're afraid of being bored to death, for example, ask yourself, "Is it possible I wouldn't be bored to death?" Think of examples of married or committed couples who still enjoy each others' company for inspiration.

If you can't think of any couples who fit the bill, write a scene between you and your perfect man and set it 10 or 20 years from now. What would you be doing? Would you be laughing? Would you be alone or surrounded by other people who love you?

Read this scene twice a day and bring it to life in your imagination. Use all your senses: What would you see? Hear? Taste? Feel? Smell?

Truly, what the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

A New Day in America

Well, I did it.

I voted, and I've got a warm feeling all over. Just hoping we'll know the results of the election tonight instead of sometime in December (can't go through that again. Noooooo....).

Election Day means the kiddies are home, and my aunt will stay for dinner. Instead of writing a proper post, I'll refer you to Single Women Rule, where today we discuss, "He stood you up? Here's how to handle it."

Should She Break Up with Him?

Hi, Terry-

How do I know if it is time to break up or make it work? I have feelings for S., but we have different beliefs and values in life. Sometimes he doesn't listen real well to me, and other times he just can't handle what I am sharing because he will not evaluate the evidence I bring. He doesn't want to know or believe the truth.

Despite all that he has good traits too. He is generous, faithful, makes good jokes, and a great hugger. We have bonded sexually and been faithful. I always thought that I would wait until marriage, but I didn't and now Steven and I feel bonded to each other. I am thinking that if had chosen to fall for someone with similar values and beliefs my life would be more fulfilling and productive. I don't know what to do.

I feel love for him, and he tells me he misses me when I am not there. He feels some love, too. Is it enough? Should I just focus on the good and ignore the bad, or should I move on?

-M.

Hi, M.-

You say you feel love for S., but you have different values and beliefs. You've had sex, so you feel "bonded" to him.

Okay, it's true that no relationship is perfect. Nobody is perfect. Now, S. seems to have some very desirable qualities, but you still this feeling nags you that he may not be the one. I think you need to listen to your instincts.

Picture yourself married to Steven ten years from now; maybe you're running one kid to soccer while he's running another to piano lessons, and you're trying to get his attention on your way out. Is he giving it to you? How does that make you feel? Do you think you'll be able to get through the day-to-day routine of married life happily, or will you resent having compromised your needs, beliefs, and values?

Ask yourself what's motivating you to stay with S., a man you're pretty unsure about. Is it that you have a faithful, generous man in your life, and you somehow feel ungrateful for questioning whether he's really the one? Do you worry that he's the best you can do, so you'd better hold onto him?

I can't answer these questions, but you can. They're worth exploring.

Would you consider putting a little space between you and S.? You don't have to break up with him, but maybe you would make more time for friends, family, and coworkers. Or you could go on a little weekend by yourself to sort your feelings out. It's possible you'll miss him enough that the things you thought you valued seem less important. Or, you'll realize that you're better off having S. for just a friend, instead of a boyfriend or potential husband.

One more thing: Just because you had sex with someone doesn't mean he's the right person for you.

Terry

Do All Men Want Threesomes?

Well, in television land they sure do.

But I stumbled upon a real guy's perspective here. Interestingly, it pretty much sums up what a guy friend of mine told me years ago.

Dumping a Bad Boy

The writer of the following email didn't ask for advice and probably doesn't need any. She's figured things out very well on her own:

Dear Terry:

I am coming out of a relationship which did nothing but take away from me. It's been six months since I left him. We got married two years ago, and he wasn't working then. He still isn't. Every job he finds, he loses. The longest he stays at a job is three months.

I took up responsibilities in terms of paying for all bills because I believed then that was the right thing to do. What did he do in return? He relaxed and stopped looking for a job. What he started looking for and finding were girls. He could change girls like shirts. When I was six months pregnant, he lied to me that he was visiting an aunt in another town for a week. That week turned to a month, and it just so happened that he wasn't even visiting his aunt. He was living with another girl.

When I found out I was so hurt, I almost had a miscarriage. However, I pulled though and delivered safely (thank God). Since the baby was born, he has had five other different girlfriends. I called it quits because I didn't want to have anything to do with him. It's been six months and I don't even miss him. I don't call him, and I consider him a closed chapter in my life, never to be reopened again. Now, he has no money, he can't keep a job, and he has no place to call home.

I've learnt lessons through that experience:

1. I will never enter into any relationship because I feel sorry for a guy. The guy has to show his worth.
2. Once a guy is a loser, chances are he will probably never change. He will forever remain a loser. No need to stick with him. All he will ever do is take from you and deplete you.
3. The power to decide the kind of relationship I want depends entirely on me. I decide what kinds of men should or should not come in my life.
4. Never enter a relationship where from Day One, the woman pays the bills. Some men will take that for granted and expect the woman to do that her entire life.
5. A man has to show his worth (worth repeating).
6. A man who cannot remember your birthdays or special days should be dumped immediately. No need to keep hoping he will change because he won't.
7. Better to be uncommitted to anyone and happy than to be committed to someone and be miserable.
8. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and move on.
9. Don't call the guy you've broken up with. Consider him a closed chapter never to be reopened. He belongs to the past.
10. Live each day with renewed hope that the best is yet to come.
11. When you feel alone, pray and find confidence in God
12. Keep hoping, keep loving, and keep believing.

-Redeemed

Dear Redeemed-

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience. It's a sad commentary that a man like this can attract women he changes like shirts. Here's hoping they see the light.

All the very best to you and your little one.

Law of Attraction Newbie Shares Success Story

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I believe in and use the Law of Attraction.

So, I just loved reading about how Jeannette Maw's ex-husband used LoA to attract a beautiful dinner date (no problem here; he and Jeannette remain good friends). Click here to read the story.

It's Almost Halloween: What Would Audrey Hepburn Wear?

Halloween's a week away, and the pressure's on to find the perfect costume.

If you Google "women's Halloween costumes," you'll come up with myriad "sexy" (depending on your definition of sexy) items that manufacturers claim will make you the most desirable babe at the keg. According to the TV show Extra, short skirts, high heels, and cropped tops (be sure to show that navel) are de riguer.

Wear 'em or be square.

Funny thing is, since this hoochie Halloween trend heated up a few years ago, comedians have taken notice. "Halloween is an excuse for women to dress up like sluts," I've heard more than one male comic say.

Well, we all want to be noticed. We all want to be considered attractive. But it's becoming clear that showing up in the "Gangster Garter Dress with the Rhinestone Money Sign Clip Tie" is probably not the way to a man's heart. (On the other hand, it's definitely the way to some guy's nether region.)

A young friend of mine turned up last Halloween in an-up-to-there skirt and sky-high heels. I can't remember what she was supposed to be (a sexy pirate, a sexy candy striper, a sexy cop -- who the hell remembers?), but I do remember the effect she had on people. The night started badly. She stopped at a gas station, where a bystander requested sexual favors. For the rest of the evening, she continued to get the wrong kind of attention.

If you want love, look lovely. When all else fails, ask yourself: What kind of costume would Audrey Hepburn wear? But if you just want sex, by all means squeeze that hot bod of yours into a sexy cop costume.

Does Society Reward Promiscuous Men?

Every now and then a reader writes an email I can really sink my teeth into. I received one yesterday. It compelled me to respond because I used to have the very same feelings:

I have a question that might work for your dating blog.

As a woman, I feel like I am living in culture where men are rewarded for infidelity, and a man's greatest accomplishment is shagging as many women as he can.

It seems like every famous actor, musician, public figure, or wealthy or well-known man is a cheater or a playboy (Charlie Sheen, Mick Jagger, Hugh Hefner, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Colin Farrell, Warren Beatty, Dennis Quaid, Tommy Lee, etc.). There are so many cases where a woman divorced her famous husband because of cheating, usually with a much younger woman (like Christie Brinkley, etc.).

Popular culture seems to glorify and gratify promiscuity in men. Men with a lot of sex partners are the envy of other men.

Popular culture [promotes the idea] that every man who is remotely successful seems to be a cheater, and that only homely, unsuccessful, and unappealing guys are faithful. Coupled with the decline in marriage, the rising percentage of single people, and the general popularity of bachelorhood in big cities, it seems like the playing field is terrible for women.

Oh, Baby, are you singing my song.

Yes, pop culture definitely romanticizes bad boys, rogues, and playboys. If you believe what you see on Access Hollywood or even in the mainstream press, men are simply incapable of remaining faithful to one woman for very long (that's the successful ones; as you mentioned, the losers don't seem to have any choice).

I've given lots of thought to one of the men you mentioned: Mick Jagger. As recently as a couple of months ago, I read an article about him slyly sliding his hand (which probably looks like a boiled chicken at this point) along some woman's bottom while his current girlfriend's head was turned. All I could think of was, Ewwww.

I mean, look at Mick Jagger. Look at him in 1964, for Pete's sake. Can you imagine shagging this guy? He's about as appealing as a coat hanger.

But as long as he has money, certain women will massage his ego and whatever else (check out a reality show on VH-1 to find out how far women of low self-esteem will go for money or to bask in somebody else's fame). They're not into him because he's loving, or kind, or generous, or funny. He has money. He's famous. He used to be really famous.

Big deal.

Like everybody else, he's going to die one day. What's his legacy? Shagging a bunch of women who didn't love him? Being in a band where the real talent was Keith Richards (for evidence, I submit Richards' solo CD Talk Is Cheap) and Charlie Watts?

Okay, I'm getting off the subject here. Pop culture does indeed glorify the promiscuous man, and I made the leap you're making: The playing field is bad for women. I went around pretty much expecting men to cheat on me. Guess what? They pretty much did.

And then I decided to have a good look around. Maybe if I could change my beliefs about men, I could change the type of man I attracted.

I did have one friend with the scary type of father who liked to ogle teenage girls, but just one. My own father (and his father) considered such behavior embarrassing and "disgusting." A man my father goes to Giant games maintains that a guy his age dating a much-younger woman is also "disgusting." (For the record, my father once caught a still-swinging single, age 50+ Warren Beatty in an interview. "I'm not listening to this schmuck," he said and changed the channel.)

So, not all men are buying this promiscuity-makes-the-man nonsense (oh, and in case you're wondering, my father and his friend absolutely don't qualify as homely or unsuccessful).

Before I became engaged to my husband, I asked him about his parents' marriage. Wanted to know how his father behaved while his mother wasn't around. Peter told me an anecdote that convinced him (and me) that his father not only didn't mess around, he didn't find it honorable or attractive, either.

Over the years, I've known men who feel its their God-given right to inhabit strip clubs and do as they please, but they always seem a bit desperate and unsatisfied. I had a good guy friend who used to sleep around to beat the band. He couldn't go home unless he'd found a woman to share his bed for the night. He had quite a reputation.

One night, I asked him about it. He said something to the effect that he did it to achieve some warped kind of acceptance, and that the sex was never very good. He also reported that he woke up feeling "empty."

Since I've been married, some of our friends have divorced. In only one case, male infidelity caused the rift in the marriage. We have one good male friend who broke up with his longtime live-in girlfriend after she cheated on (and devastated) him. A mutual male friend had this to say on the subject: "These idiots (meaning the guy's girlfriend) watch TV and see all these people having affairs, and they think it's real. They think it's normal."

But it's not.

During my lunch hour one day after I'd become engaged, I stood in a newspaper shop in the Empire State Building reading an article by Father Andrew Greeley, who addressed this subject. (I wish I had it to quote it now.) He wrote that media reports about infidelity are greatly exaggerated. Most married people don't cheat.

This gave me comfort then, and it gives me comfort now.

But here's the thing: If you truly desire a monogamous partner, believe that it's possible that a man exists who will be that monogamous partner. Look, all the attractive people in the world will not slide off the planet the day you get married. After you get married, you will be attracted to other people. Your husband will be attracted to other people. It's human nature.

But it's the nature of a good human to consider the feelings of one's husband or wife, and not to feed temptation. Believe that a human with this nature exists for you, will be faithful to you, and hopes you will remain faithful to him, too.

For more on this subject, click here. And here.

Single Women Rule

Dear Terry:

I found a man who understands me, loves me a lot, and always wants to be by my side. That is what I thought I wanted all this while, but now it's boring and bothering me.

-Disappointed

Dear Disappointed-

I see two possibilities here:

1) This guy isn't the right guy for you, or 2) you've allowed herself to be sold on the fairy tale of the knight in shining armor when you never really wanted it in the first place.

If this guy isn't the right one for you, let him down gently and move on. See how you feel without him at your elbow for a while. If you think you're ready to meet somebody else, circulate, but instead you may find you're relieved and happier on your own.

Either way, it's a great thing to know what you want in life. So many of us wander the planet unable to decide what's for dinner, let alone if we want to date a particular guy or even if we want to date at all.

If you determine that long-term relationships leave you cold, it's time to find your real passion in life. We all have one, so embark on the heady adventure of finding yours.

In the past few months, Keysha Whitaker and I have gotten together to develop a new website, Single Women Rule, which is definitely a work-in-progress. While the site does contain relationship advice, our mission is to encourage single women to revel in life's magic and be truly fulfilled whether or not the knight in shining (or newly refurbished) armor ever arrives.

One goal is to build a global network of single women who can call upon each other for fun, travel, friendship, careers, and whatever else that interests them. We're also partnering with businesses to offer our subscribers discounts, and we plan to do features on single women who live their passions every single day.

I hope you'll join us.